Sex in Marriage
Tom Shrader wraps up his series on sexuality by design, teaching from 1 Corinthians 7 that God created sexuality as a beautiful gift to be celebrated within marriage, not withheld as a weapon or tool of control. He addresses the different needs of men and women in marriage, emphasizing that sexual intimacy requires trust, communication, and mutual selflessness rather than scorekeeping.
“At the core of every divorce is selfishness on somebody's part.”
— Tom Shrader
Series: Sexuality by Design (2007)
Recorded: March 22, 2007
Duration: 44 min
Themes: marriage, sexuality, intimacy, communication, trust, selflessness, boundaries, forgiveness, married couple, struggling with intimacy, sexual temptation, marital conflict, newlywed, husband, wife, pastor counseling
Scripture: 1 Corinthians 7:2-5, Hebrews 13:4
Theological Themes: biblical sexuality, sexual purity, marital covenant, god's design, sexual ethics, creation ordinance, biblical marriage, sanctification
Full Transcript
Today is the wrap—session 8 of an 8-session series entitled "Sexuality by Design." Let me summarize to make sure we understand this. When we're talking about sexuality by design, here's what we're saying: God created you, and creation wasn't an afterthought. When He made you, He didn't say, "Oh, I forgot something, let me add on this sex thing," or somehow it just got part of the mix. He designed you with all sorts of appetites, and sexuality is one of them. Created that way by God, not an afterthought.
But He also said there is a way in which I express that sexuality. So here's what we've said: sexuality, our sex life is good within the confines that He's given us. Now where I bump up against the problem is when I hear a word like confines or limitations. What God is saying is, "I want you to have this freedom of expression within the rules and regulations that I've given you." In this case, really within the institution of marriage—that's what He's talking about.
Understanding God's Sexual Boundaries
In this series we've talked about all sorts of different things. We talked about really the hot issues of the day: homosexuality, abortion, pornography. But we also talked about adultery, meaning somebody who's married having sex with someone other than their partner, and fornication, which is people who are not married having sex. And we said—this is really important—we said all of those are a perversion of God's plan.
I think sometimes we reserve that designation maybe for one aspect of that. But if you are married and having sex with somebody other than your wife, in God's economy you're a pervert. That was fun to say—pervert. Say that: pervert. But do you see that? That's really an important concept. Because what we can do, like in the Christian world, we have a tendency to put a hierarchy of those things and say, "Oh this one's really bad, this one's bad but not as bad, and this one, well that's just part of what happens in life." No, those are a perversion of God's plan.
And we want to run right in behind it, because once you sit down with somebody—I just had one of these meetings this week—once you sit down with somebody and say, "Listen, what you're doing is wrong, it's sin, you need to address that," you've got to come right back in, because now the battle's on. You've got to come right in and say, "But that's not the unpardonable sin and God will forgive you. So why don't we work on that?" That's the message that we try to deliver throughout this entire series.
God Is Pro-Sex Within Marriage
God is not anti-sex. Nor are we, by the way. Every once in a while somebody says, "You're such a prude," and I'm saying, "Susan doesn't think so." I don't think I'm a prude at all. But I'm pro-sex within, again, the limits and boundaries God's given us.
One author offers this observation: "Sex has become one of the most discussed issues and subjects of modern times. The Victorians pretended it did not exist. The moderns pretend nothing else exists." And that's where we are. We're going to give you a test today—six questions, true or false. Don't answer out loud, and we'll get there in a minute.
Different Perspectives on Sexual Intimacy
Let me just say, regarding sexual intimacy, two things. When women look at sexual intimacy, they say there's something lacking. When men look at it, they say there's something lacking, but they're two different things. When women look at sexual intimacy, they say what's lacking is typically the quality. Their word might be more on the intimacy part. When men—let's see how sharp you are—when men look at this, they say what's lacking is what? "Is that all you people think about?" Quantity.
Yesterday I had a really interesting experience. I've really been working long hours and hard. Yesterday, once a year I go in and speak to our women's group, and yesterday was my day. They gave me the topic, "How to impress a man," which I said to them, "I've never tried to do that, but I'll figure it out."
The Foundation: Men and Women Are Different
What I did with the ladies was to come in and start with this principle, and we touched on it last week. This is so important. These are certain things that as you study them, you go, "You've got to get this. If you don't get this, nothing else makes sense." Again, it's to me a little bit like a golf game. I know, I'm not playing hardly at all, but I know this: if I hit a few balls ahead of time, what I want to do is make sure I check my grip and make sure I check my setup. I've got to do that. Because if my grip's wrong or my setup's wrong, nothing else makes any difference. I'm never going to get it. I can work on everything else after that. It doesn't matter if I'm laying the club off or whatever. I've got to get set up right and get it gripped right.
Here's the thing you've got to get. If you're going to talk about sexual intimacy, husband, wife, marriage, you've got to get this. Got it? You've got to get this. Men and women are different. You've got to get that, and I mean it. You've got to understand that. God created them different.
Questions for Women About Marriage
So when I was with the ladies yesterday, here's what I said to them. I said, "Rather than have me give you this, let me just give you some questions for you to think about as it relates to your marriage. Are you happy you married a man? If the answer's yes, then why are you trying to turn him into a woman?" I don't get it.
And so I just asked them a whole bunch of questions. I said, "These are just things to think about. Do you talk too much? Because he doesn't want to hear this stuff." And they had a similar reaction. But hang in there with me because I think this is a great point.
If I come home and Susan said, "How was your golf game?" and I said, "It was really good," and she'll go, "That was terrific." But if I come home and say, "Let me tell you something. First hole's a dogleg..."
Understanding the Fundamental Differences
A woman's looking for intimacy. There's a romance part of it. The guy's not oblivious to that, but there's a physical part of it to that whole relationship. Now you bring the two of these together.
In a sense, this is the capstone of these eight weeks together. We talk about sex and all sorts of things. Don't do this. Shouldn't do this. Now we're saying this is what you should do. This is what God has in place for a husband and wife.
But when you bring two people together and you start with the premise they are different, wired different, completely different, all the stuff that goes with it, you bring them together, you're going to have some level of tension. They're not going to see things the same way. But the problems are not insurmountable.
The Essential Requirements: Trust and Talking
They do require two things. Trust and talking. You've got to trust each other, and you've got to talk.
One of my basic things - Susan and I weren't married very long. I came in one day. I said, "How are you doing?" "Fine." I said, "Oh, good." She walked away, and a little bit later she said, "I'm not doing fine." And I said, "Then why would you tell me you were? I'm not bilingual. I don't speak English and read body language. If you say to me fine, I'm done. I'm not going to try to figure out what did she really mean. You mean fine."
You've got to trust and you've got to talk. Well, now in this area of sex, now we really have to spend a little bit of time and understand the difference.
Intercourse and Intimacy: Related but Not Redundant
Let me set some things. We're going to go all over the map and we'll have fun for the next 35 minutes. First question, one's true, one's false. In fact, just to save us all the embarrassment of being wrong, the second one is always true. Just so you don't have to wonder. I don't know why they don't do college this way. I would have been a valedictorian.
Intercourse and intimacy are not redundant, but they're related. One author says it this way: Love may or may not include sexual attraction. It may be expressed in sexual desire, but sexual desire is not love necessarily. You have all sorts of people who are having sex, but love is not at the center part of it. But intimacy and sexuality, those are related issues.
So a man, we laid this out for you last week, a man will give love to get sex. A woman tends to give sex to get love, but they're not interchangeable.
The Tragic Example of Amnon and Tamar
There's a classic example in the Old Testament, a guy named Amnon, who is the son of David, falls in love with Tamar, the sister of Absalom's son, David. So he's in love with his sister. In the midst of all of this, he's in love to the point where he's sick. She brings him chicken soup. She's trying to help him through this.
He took her and he said, "Come to bed with me." She resisted, he brought her in, he raped her, and then he hated her with intensity. There was the intimacy that he desired physically, but not the emotional intimacy. It's really important.
And maybe more guys than gals at this one. Guys, to understand, just because you're having sex doesn't mean it's intimate on her end. This is not just an exchange of bodily fluids. This is not just a physical function. This becomes an expression of a physical oneness, leave, cleave, the two become one, but there's intimacy that needs to be associated with it.
God's Emphasis on Marital Sexuality
Here's the second thing. The Bible doesn't downplay sexuality and marriage, but it emphasizes it. It's not like God said, "All right, I made them sexual creatures, and I have to talk about this, but I don't want to really make it a big deal. Let's put it somewhere where they'll never find it. Let's hide it in the Old Testament." God doesn't say that.
God says in the New Testament, all the way through this, in Hebrews 13, verse four, "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." God's saying, listen, there's a marriage bed, there's this picture here of sex, really important here, not just for procreation, but for recreation.
Addressing the Perpetual Virginity Question
I'm born and raised Catholic background. And in the Catholic background, at the center of this, and I don't want to misrepresent this, but certainly at a centerpiece, I probably get more, when we talk about Catholics, I probably get more questions about this than anything else. At the centerpiece of this is Mary. Do I pray to Mary, do I worship, all this other stuff. Mary co-redemptus, all those things, I get them all.
Well, here's the deal, here's the thing with Mary. The Catholic Church teaches, and it's biblically accurate, that Mary was a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus, right? Virgin birth, core element of our faith. Where they get off base, and non-biblical, is to say, now think about this, that Mary remained a perpetual virgin. Here's the problem. In scripture, we're introduced, at a couple of different
times, to Jesus' brothers, and if I remember correctly—and I didn't check—there were four of them who were named. Jesus' brothers are named, the four of them, and sisters, plural. Now, I don't want to be crass, but I want you to get this. That means Mary and Joseph did it at least six times, if they're scoring it 100% here.
I went to Holy Family grade school, and when we came in to the school, there were statues of the Holy Family. So there'd be Joseph, and Mary, and little baby Jesus. And I always wondered, why on that statue, Joseph had such a frustrated look. Well, now I understand it. He's married, but nothing is going on. Now, what message does that say? This is the ideal relationship? That's not biblical.
God says, no, no, no. Sex is not just about procreation. It's not dirty, it's not disgusting, it's not ugly—it's a beautiful thing that's to be celebrated. Single, celibate, married, celebration. It's a wonderful thing.
The Goal Is Not Control
Here's the third thing. The goal of intimacy is not to retain control, but to relinquish control. In other words, in a relationship, neither party should be using sex as an instrument or a weapon in some sort of battle here for control and authority. Neither party.
So one of the questions I asked the ladies yesterday: are there any things you're doing to get revenge? Because if you are, that typically comes in one of two ways. Either A, you do something to provoke him. You know his buttons, so you sit back there with a remote control, and you push it, and then he explodes, and you go, "Oh my God, I didn't mean to do anything." Well, you little wench. You knew exactly what you were doing. You're just pushing those buttons, and you know you're going to set him off. Doesn't mean you don't have a discussion, but that's no way to deal with it.
The other way that you try to get revenge or punish somebody is not to do something, but withhold something. That kind of an attitude. And oftentimes, it's sexual in its nature. That leads to all sorts of problems.
What Scripture Says About Sexual Obligations
Look at 1 Corinthians—in fact, I think the only time today I'll say open your Bibles. But if you have them, because this is so huge. 1 Corinthians chapter seven. 1 Corinthians chapter seven, verse two: "Since there's so much immorality, each person should have his own wife, and each wife her own husband. The wife should fulfill his marital duty to the husband, and husband to the wife. The wife's body does not belong to her alone, but also to her husband, in the same way the husband's body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife."
Here's what we're trying to get at. "Do not deprive each other, except by mutual consent, for a time, so that you may devote yourself to prayer. Then, come back together again, so that Satan will not tempt you, because of lack of self-control." This is huge, we're going to hang on this a little bit.
Here's what Paul's saying, in this whole context. He's saying, you're better off like me, single. But one of the important things that helps you make the decision—should you get married, and we talked about it last week, who should get married—is that you say, "I've got this sexual desire, and I need to find an expression for it, and the only legitimate expression for that is within marriage."
Understanding the Biblical Logic
So here's what Paul's saying. If that's the case, it's really good for you to get married. But let's acknowledge that at least one of the key movers in you getting married is this sexual need. So consequently, He said, "Don't deprive each other, don't stop having sex, except by mutual consent, then for a specific period of time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer."
Now this is really powerful. Here's what He's saying. If we're going to stop this sexual activity, it ought to have two things about it. Number one, it is bilateral, it's mutual agreement. It's not just, "Okay, we're going to set this aside." And then the motivating factor He gives is not because you need your free time, it's so you can be praying, and fasting, and focusing on God.
And then He comes right back and says, "This is for a specific time." Why? Well, it makes total sense. Because if I stay in that position very long, I'm going to give Satan an opportunity to get in there and tempt, why? Because I've acknowledged that the sexual part is a big part of me getting married. Isn't that beautiful, the way it comes together?
The Reality of Sexual Needs
So God's saying, "Listen, by the very idea of marrying, what you're saying is, the physical aspect of this is really important, and you need to understand that." I don't know—stunned might be too strong a word—but I'm certainly surprised at how many couples are not sexually active. We got sexually active singles in celibate marriage. We got guys and gals that are having sex when the consumer price index comes out. That's about the only time.
It makes no sense to me, it's crazy. Let me tell you something, gals, it's a big deal. I've never met a guy who'd rather sit and look at an internet porno site than make love to his wife. You've got to understand that—this is a big deal. This is a big deal for a guy. And that's what we're saying here. If we're using sex as control, this is not about control.
When I developed the whole thing that I was doing yesterday for the ladies, I sat down with Susan, and I said, "Here's what I'm thinking about doing." And I started reading her these questions. And she reacted really funny. And she said, "I've got to take a shower." So she went in and took a shower, and she came back out, and I'm sitting outside, and she said, "I don't like those questions." And I said, "Oh, okay. It's a little late, because I don't have time to do something else. But tell me, what's the problem?" She goes, "When I read them, I see how far short I fall."
Marriage as Selfless Service
When I was reading these questions to Susan as a wife, I know what she's thinking. She's going, "Well, he doesn't do any of this stuff on his end." And it was this moment where I came together and said, "That's why our marriage works." She didn't say, "Do you talk to him? I just go, 'Who are you to talk to me? This is what I need.'" She's going, "Oh, my gosh." And every question, "Oh, my gosh." And I'm reading them and going, "Oh, my gosh." And that's why the marriage works. Because she's not sitting there going, "Well, I'll do that if he does this" or "Tom doesn't fill those needs, so I'll do..." Uh-uh.
And I'm looking at him saying, "Even if she doesn't, this is how I want to be." That's what this is about. Marriage at its core is about you, not thinking about you. One of the questions I had yesterday is, "Does your husband have enough free time?" You say you need it—well, so does he. And it's question after question after question. If your mindset is, "I want my rights," then you're not going to go anywhere.
Honest Self-Evaluation
My question was this. I said, "I want to end with two questions. Number one, would you want to come home to you? Number two, would you want to be married to you?" Then you better deal with it. And if the answer is really, "I wouldn't want to be married to me"—and I'm open about that—I'm a great date, I'm a lousy husband. I'd rather date me, I'm a great date. I wouldn't want to live with me. But I have to ask those questions.
Man, and if the answer's no, "I wouldn't want to come home to me," again, it's just all sorts of thinking. I said, "You spend more time getting dressed up and looking nice to meet your girlfriend for coffee than your husband when you come home." If he comes home and you look all frumpy, what's that say to him? Well, you don't even think highly about yourself. These are huge issues. And I try to give them an insight into how men think. Well, this is not about control.
The Energy Contest
I see that all the time. I'm a little tangential here, but I had a cup of coffee and I never have coffee. That could be my mistake today. But I hear husband and wife—I hear the husband go home and say, "I'm tired," and the wife go, "I'm tireder. I'm really busy." "I'm busier." It's like this contest to see who's the most depleted of energy and who has nothing left to offer. It doesn't make sense. And then you say, "Well, I don't understand why this doesn't work."
I can tell you why it doesn't work. I can almost tell you why any relationship doesn't work, because one of the two parties is selfish. At the core of every divorce is selfishness on somebody's part. May not be you, but it's the other person. And I'm always asking myself, "Why are they reacting that way?" My assumption is I've done something.
True Monogamy vs. Sequential Monogamy
Here's the next question. Sexual fulfillment requires multiple relationships or monogamous relationships? I hope that we would answer monogamous relationships. Marriage is about monogamy, not celibacy. Again, I'll see it a lot, because you have to understand here, we're talking not just about marriage, but sexuality in its totality.
I'll see a lot of singles and they'll go, "Well, I'm just with this person right now, and it's an exclusive relationship, we're monogamous." And then they'll break that relationship, then they'll have another relationship that's monogamous. The term I use is they're sequentially monogamous. So at the end of the year, they've been monogamous to 12 different people. You don't need—is variety important? Yeah, but it's not a different person.
Women Taking Initiative
I can tell, and women aren't always receptive to this. I think at your core, you know this is true. The key to this, gals, if you want to crank up this sex thing, the key to it is for you to be the aggressor. You take charge, you initiate. There ain't a guy in the world who's going to go, "Oh, I have a headache." It ain't going to happen. It's just not there, man. And you take the initiative.
Modest Dress and Marriage Intimacy
Should you—we're coming into summertime. Every summertime, I have to deal with the same issue with church. I'm so sick of this, but I know I do. We need to dress modestly. Part of it is, it's 120 degrees. So the less clothes I can wear, the better off I am. You should dress modestly. But not at home. At home, there should be a little something going on here. There's a whole dance to this, man. And you're in control.
Hey, there's nothing wrong—and I hear this, again, I understand it. But I'll hear a gal say, "Oh, I don't look like I used to. Oh, if I put on something and it's kind of see-through, you're going to see rolls and bumps." Whatever, here's the deal.
Realistic Expectations and Acceptance
Let me tell you, since—and I told somebody this the other day, Al asked me about it today, and it's true. I've put on 50 pounds since I got married. That's pretty bad. I weighed last month, and I don't know what I weighed out, but last month I weighed 193 pounds. I got married at 143. I'm not expecting Susan to be exact. When I married her, she was a zero. Just about a two, a zero two in her size. She isn't going to be that at age 50, whatever it is, after two kids and just life and surgeries and everything. It isn't going to be that way. I don't really care. You're my girl. I don't care how that is.
And the fact that you would actually—this was, again, one of the questions yesterday. Do you spend more creative energy planning a baby shower than dealing with your marriage? Oh, we have to get the bows just right, the centerpieces—those are great deals. When it comes to your husband, it's just going to kind of happen.
The Power of Intentional Romance
If I come in and she's dressed in a certain way, I'm not stupid. There are just certain outfits. When I see them, I'm going, "Oh my gosh. Take the phone off the hook. It's going to be a good night." I know we have stuff happening. Put the necktie on the front door because there's something about to happen here tonight. And I'm telling you, I don't care how tired I am. I got a burst of energy. I'm popping vitamins, drinking coffee. I'm doing whatever it takes to make this thing work.
So here you go. You do that. Here's what's going to happen. You do that. And again, it sounds all one way. This cuts back, we'll talk about guys in a minute. But all of a sudden, your husband's going to be happier, content, satisfied, and here's the thing you want, and he's going to feel closer to you. Well, if I respond that way, he's going to want to do this more often. Yeah. And he's going to be satisfied, content, and he's going to feel closer to you. Why would you not want that? Why would you not want that?
You say you love this guy. You picked him. He's yours. Why would you not give him what he wants? You say, well, that's selfish. Then it's just as selfish for you to say, he needs to give me hugs and kisses and flowers.
Men Have Responsibilities Too
And guys, here's the other side. You know, while that's a part of it, there's so much more that a woman needs, and you know that, and you are responsible to fulfill that, even if she's not coming to the door in this see-through thing with steaks on the grill. But I'm telling you, ladies, you can argue all you want. You're the key to this deal. You're the key to the relationship.
Here's the thing. Men are really simple. Therefore, they're easy to fix. You're complicated. That's a little tougher. Guys are really simple. A guy the other day said to me, here you go. I'm saying, I'm doing this thing in a marriage thing. What do you want? He said, here's what I want. If I'm not horny, make me a sandwich. Okay, this is what he said. Now, that may sound, I know how that sounds, but it's the same thing.
Guys, these gals, they want to love you, but they're just empty. You got to pump them up, not blow smoke at them. You got to love them, hold them, care for them.
Real Love in Action
We're watching TV the other night, Susan and I, and we're watching this thing, and it's on John Edwards' wife, and it's on this cancer thing, and so we're just there. We kind of have an L thing looking at the TV, and she's here, I'm here. And they're talking to a doctor, and they start talking about it, and they say, what she has is treatable, but not curable, that's Susan. Once it's in the bone, which is where it is, then we know it's a matter of time. So we can't give you a time, but it may be a year. Now, he's talking about John Edwards' wife.
Well, I'm laying there. I know what she's thinking. I know what she's doing. At that moment, I'm not going, well, you know what, I got this sexual desire. I simply got up, walked over, laid down next to her, and just held her. She didn't need words. She didn't need to say anything. She just needed me to know, man, you're it. I don't care how much surgery. I don't care how sick you get. I don't care about any of those things. You're my girl. I don't care what else happened.
I love you. I want to be intimate with you, and if the sexual part is there, great, and if that can't happen, whatever. I love you for you. My love for her is deeper now than it's ever been. It's different, but it's deeper.
If you want to, and I say this all the time, if you want to talk about love, there is that time, walking down the beach, holding hands, and that's exciting, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and you're tingly, all that stuff. That's great, but you want to see love, real love, you rent the movie, The Notebook, and watch it. That's love. I'm loving you even when this isn't working.
Love Without Conditions
So I'm loving you, here you go, guys, because it sounds like maybe we've been focusing, here's what a guy needs. We'll talk about the guys. Guys, you're loving her even if she is using sex as a weapon. You're loving her even if she's not meeting needs. Ladies, I want to come back to it. Ladies, I don't know if you understand how simple it is to get your husband to be the man you want him to be.
He just wants you to, they're little baby boys. Tyler's doing this thing on how to raise a boy, and he's reading this stuff, and this guy said, men, when they're little boys, they just need the approval of their mom and dad and when they grow up they just need the approval and appreciation of their wife.
The Power of Appreciation
I had this day the other day and I'm telling you I had no time, no time for nothing which is a problem because I got the bladder the size of a pea and so I'm in and out and I'm grinding and I'm going you know what I got two minutes here I call Susan in the middle afternoon I said hey Suze how are you? Good. How you feeling? I feel pretty good and she said I know you're really busy where you going to be home and I said I think it's going to be one of those you know five in the morning till nine at night days and she said okay she and I said okay I'll talk to you said Tom and I said yeah she goes thanks for calling that means a lot to me that you take time to call that's pretty cool. I hung up you know what happened I called her two more times. It was just I was like a little dog when she said I mean I really you appreciate I'm saying for you to say you had to be thinking of ways to say hey and it's both.
Susan came out the other day and she had on this thing I said man you look beautiful you really look great. She said I don't feel good. I said you know what I do looking at you man do you look great. I wasn't trying to manipulate her but you know what I know she needs to hear that. She's sucking gas she doesn't feel like a beautiful woman and she is.
This is really simple if you don't give a rip in this and you're not sitting back keep it score trying to figure out you owe me this and I said three nice things to you you're two behind. If that's your attitude it is never going to work but if you're really saying I want to meet your needs I want to be the guy that you need I want I want to be the gal you need there's no way that doesn't work.
The Importance of Communication
A couple of more things here intimacy is upgraded when it's discussed and I'll let you kind of work your way through this passage but this is the whole idea of again expressing verbally what needs to take place what's happening not just sexually but again in life.
Ladies, the key to communication when you're playing that game—and he said "how you doing?" "fine," and it's not fine—and then you end up sitting in my office and we're talking and you go "well, he knows it isn't fine." I'm telling you something: he doesn't know. "Well, he's got to know." No, he's dumb as a brick. You said fine, he heard fine, he isn't looking for more information. Subtle, not spoken—that's what I want to communicate.
If you're not fine, I told Susan early on, you need to tell me because if you say fine, I'm going to go "she's fine." If you're not fine, tell me because we can fix it. In this whole process of life and intimacy as well, this has to be talked about.
So I'll sit with a guy and say, and our gal, I'll say "one to ten, how's your marriage?" and she'll say "four." "Are you going to ask him?" "Yeah." Well then I'll say "six." I'll say to the guy "how's your marriage, one to ten?" "Nine, nine and a half." I mean, you got issues here, you got problems here. How does that happen? You got to know, you got to talk.
Ladies, don't assume that he knows what you're thinking. Guys, you got to listen to her. I know that there's a lot of stuff you got to sometimes get through to hear it, but you got to get to the core. You got to ask questions, you got to make an effort. What do you really mean?
God Encourages Quality Intimacy
God encourages the quality of intimacy—sexual intimacy. Solomon in Song of Solomon: "Eat, old friends, and drink and drink, your fellow lovers." What He's talking about here is a vibrant, wonderful relationship, not just sexually, but in a marriage.
I was talking to a guy and here's what he said: "Six years ago I was in a newly married Bible study—nine newly married couples. Six years ago. The study broke up. I ran into a guy the other day and between the two of us we were able to figure out that of the nine marriages, ours are the only two that are still together." Well, tell me what that message is to a lost and dying world. Come to Christ, you'll have a new life, things will be different—you can't even keep a marriage together. Five of them out the door.
Practical Steps for Sexual Intimacy
You want practical things? Here they are:
Number one: commit to experience sexual intimacy. This is important. It's the idea that, and again back to First Corinthians 7, I got to understand that this marriage relationship has its component. I understand it's romantic, but sex is part of it.
Number two: trash your taboos and unleash your creativity. Sometimes, and maybe you've been raised in this Christian home and somehow you got in your head that sex is dirty, disgusting—it isn't. And there may be these things that that mindset is playing in there, and that needs to be just abolished.
Number three: find out how to meet your partner's needs. Now let me tell you how you're going to find out—you're going to ask. The other night we had what I thought was really wonderful at the church. We had Max McLean in and a little bit of staff that he brought to perform The Screwtape Letters. After Friday night's performance we went out and had dinner, and these guys debriefed the whole thing. "Lighting was wrong, cue is wrong, here's what you need to do."
The Importance of Communication in Intimacy
And this is a little awkward, but when you're done with this whole sex thing, you got to say "how was that for you? How'd that work for you? That pretty good?" And not a "yeah, okay, you're really a man." You got to have the conversation. I want to—I don't know anybody—let me tell you something: I want to know because I want to do this right.
If I'm buying a new driver, I'm going out to Ping and we're going to spend an hour trying to figure out spin ratios and angle launches and all this other stuff. Well, I don't give a rip about that compared to this, baby. What's your spin ratio and how was the angle launch? Because I want to know, I want to be—if we're doing this and I don't mind talking about it while it's going on, I'm fine with that. If you're saying to me it needs to be a little bit to the left, I'm left-handed—I'm over there in a nanosecond. Tell me! This is important.
And I'm telling you, this will free up all sorts of other areas of your life. It is stupid to have something this important and then when you're done go "how was that?" "Fine." And I just roll over and go to sleep. I want to know. I want a great—I want you—I'm going to put a little sign you can hold up: "7.5." I'm fine with that, I don't care. And this is really important.
And gals, you may not even—and this may be too honest, and if it is I apologize—but in the whole sexual thing, it's as important to me, I get as excited watching Susan get satisfied as being satisfied myself. Maybe that's sick, I don't know. So I want to know. You got to tell me because I think I'm really great at this, but if I'm not, I'm open to criticism. Give me a little constructive—I'm a worker bee, man. You just tell me what we need to be doing and I'm doing it. Because you know what? Because the better it is for you, the more we're going to do it.
Confirming Commitment to Fidelity
Here's the fourth thing: confirm your commitment to sexual fidelity. I don't think there is a smidgen of doubt in Susan's mind that I would be anything but faithful to her. And I got to tell her that.
You know, I really have to tell it, and kind of in the middle—as I said, we got two and a half years of this and now every five or six surgeries or whatever we've been through—I got to tell her, "You know what? You know, I don't feel like a woman." "You look like one to me. You're a woman, you're my girl. 3.5 billion women out there, 3.5 billion fish in the sea, and you be my tuna. You are it."
I got—I don't care about these other gals. Are there girls that are skinnier than you? Yep. Are there girls with bigger breasts than you? Yep. Are there girls that have better smiles than you? Yep. Are there girls that look prettier than you? Yep. Do I want any of them? No. I want you. You're the one I want, you're it. You don't need to—there's a lot of things to worry about. You ought to worry about global warming, but you don't need to worry about me being unfaithful.
Don't you be worrying about me being faithful to you because here I am like your little dog and I'm telling you. You know what the idea is? I'll tell her that one time and then we're done. No, I keep having to give. I get a little tired of this, but I have to keep saying it to her: you're it, baby.
I can tell I can look at her and say, you know, she just needs some reassurance. We're walking through the mall the other day and there is this lady walking toward us and she is really pretty. I would guess probably about another three years left on her warranty, that'd be my guess. She's walking toward us and I'm going, all right, I got to make sure I'm not looking. I got to make sure I'm not looking. I got to make sure I'm not looking. I don't know how to not look. I know Susan, she's going, well, she's pretty. And I'm saying, yeah, I know that. But you got something she doesn't have. What's that? Right here, baby. Right here. She doesn't have that. She wishes she had it, but she doesn't have it.
That may sound stupid and silly to you, but you got to hear that. Gals, just like your guys got to hear, you know what? I really appreciate what you're doing. I know it's tough out there. I know it's really difficult out there. But man, I really appreciate you just beating your head against the wall so that we can have this. All we got is hot dogs, but man, they're our hot dogs.
Here's number five. Express your excitement every chance you get. That's the culmination of what we talk about. Then number six, follow God's directions and expect the best.
God's Standard is the Norm, Not the Ideal
I got the idea that what I'm talking about seems to be an ideal. Here's my point: no, it's supposed to be the norm. Let me say it again, then we're done. This is what God calls you to be.
If you say you're a follower of Christ, then gentlemen, your desire ought to be to love and nurture and cherish and protect your wife. Ladies, it ought to be to respect. This guy needs respect. Does He need sex? Sure. But this guy needs respect as much as anything. He needs your approval. He needs to know you're my knight in shining armor. Man, you're incredible.
Now, you get two people, and you put them in a relationship like that, are you going to have problems? Yeah, but they're going to get ironed out real fast. Because all you're looking at in that economy now, all you're looking for is solutions. You're not looking for explanations. You're not looking to place blame.
That's my thing. Susan and I will start something, and I'm always trying to figure out who's to blame. She goes, Tom, why do you care? Why do you care who's to blame? Why do you have to blame somebody when you look at it? I said, I don't know. I guess I have to blame. Well, let's not worry about who's to blame. Let's just fix this. I said, all right. But part of fixing it is figuring out who's to blame. So, no.
You get all that? Sexuality by design. That's God's plan.
Looking Ahead
Now, next week, really important. If you've got friends in your sphere of influence, you're talking to them about Jesus. You want them to hear who Christ is, why this is important. Four weeks. You get four weeks out of them. You say, I'm going to buy you breakfast for four weeks. I need four weeks for you to come and hear this. This is really important. You need to be getting yourself ready then to be able to talk to them about it when they start asking you questions.
Let's pray. Father, thank You for this truth. You made us, wonderfully made us. You brought us together, husband, wives, male, female, different as can be, but really united in our desire to serve You, to glorify You, to honor You. I love this practical stuff that flows from Your word.
Here's what I pray, Father, for every single that hears this and every single in the room that they would understand that You have a design: single celibacy. For every married person: married celebration. For every woman in a relationship, a marriage, who does naturally want to say, but my, but, but, but, my rights, but, but, but. I pray You give them eyes to look at their own life. For every guy who said, you know, a lot of work. I don't know. I don't want to respond. What about me? She's not meeting my needs. That He'd be focused on Himself and what He needs to do in this marriage.
Then You put in the middle of that, Your Spirit and Your word, and You've got a marriage that nothing can break apart. Nothing can separate. Father, thank You that You'd take the time in Your word to preserve this truth and that we would sit here today and listen to that. We pray Your Spirit would open our eyes to see the truth of it. We pray to You in Jesus' name, amen.
Have a great week. We'll see you next week.