God's Practical Advice For Marriage Part 2

A quick aside: the recording for part 1 of this series has been lost over the years.

Tom Shrader addresses the second key to a healthy marriage: having realistic expectations. Drawing from 1 Timothy 6:6-8, he explains that godliness plus contentment equals great gain, and warns against expecting our spouse to meet all our needs—something only God can do. He applies this principle of contentment to material possessions, family relationships, and parenting, arguing that our culture of discontentment pulls us away from God's design for marriage and family life.

“I was asking Susan to do something she could never do—I was asking Susan to be something and to do something that only God could do.”

— Tom Shrader

Series: God's Advice for Marriage

Recorded: 2000 at Cannon Beach Conference Center

Duration: 1 hr 2 min

Themes: marriage, contentment, expectations, love, sacrifice, materialism, family, parenting, married couples, newlyweds, struggling marriages, parents, materialistic struggles, unrealistic expectations, seeking fulfillment, discontented spouses

Scripture: 1 Timothy 6:6-8, Philippians 4:11, 2 Timothy 2:4, Ephesians 5

Theological Themes: godliness, sanctification, biblical marriage, stewardship, christian living, discipleship, covenant relationship, spiritual maturity

Full Transcript

Perfect song to reinforce what we were talking about last night. When we talk about the Christian faith and we talk about love, we have to talk about the cross. We see people today almost anywhere you go, and I mean anywhere from church to the MTV Music Awards, whatever it is you're watching, you will see people who have on a cross. You'll see Madonna wear one, you'll see little old ladies in church wear one, you'll see guys wear one. It's interesting for us - we're almost anesthetized to it.

But if you would have walked around at the time of Christ with a cross around your neck, that's the equivalent - I think we lose this - that's the equivalent of us walking around with a little gas chamber or an electric chair on a chain. It was not a symbol of love. It was a horrific way to die.

The Reality of Crucifixion

I don't know how much you know about death by crucifixion. I think typically, because Christ hung on that cross for but a few hours, we just assume that's how they died. That's not the case at all. Crucifixion was designed to be a horrific way to die, and it was designed to literally last as long as the executioners wanted it to last. People would hang on that cross for days. The birds of the air and even the wild beasts, if they weren't kept away, would come and begin to pick away at the body.

That's why I think you understand that when Christ was crucified, He was crucified with His feet, but there was also this little ledge that they would hang on, and that ledge is what they would sit on. When they died of crucifixion, typically - I hope we realize - it was by suffocation. That's why they broke their legs, because they couldn't breathe for a while. Then they'd push up, and that's how they got their breath. So when they broke their legs, they'd hang and they'd suffocate. It was a horrific way to die.

But only a loving God could take that horrific symbol of death and turn it into this magnificent symbol of love. When we see the cross - and that's why a point I was trying to make last night, and I don't know if I made it very well - but the point was that when we talk about Christianity, it's really important for us to talk about the cross. We got a whole bunch of people who want to talk about the teaching of Christ. How many people want to talk about the different aspects of Christianity, but without the cross, none of that means anything. Christ did not die on the cross, He's not our Redeemer, and that's what we're interested in and all about.

Prayer and Introduction

So, kind of a somber way to start a second morning here. I hope you did indeed sleep well. I've got a little t-shirt this morning that says I survived cracked wheat, and so I ate it all.

Let's pray this morning. Father, help us see the truth that You have for us today. God, we pray that we would have our eyes open and heart softened, if need be, to understand what You have for us. You are a God who so loves His people that You gave Your Son to die so we have eternal life, and that eternal life begins today, and what great strength and power we have. How do we pray that to You this morning, in Jesus' name? Amen.

God's Design for Marriage

We are looking at, for these four sessions we're together, marriage and the different things that really affect us as couples. Let me reinforce a couple of things from last night. When we look at marriage, we understand that God has a design for it. Very important, I think, that when we talk about marriage, we talk about it with the understanding of the designer.

When I mentioned Boeing last night, there were Boeing people here. Well, if I have a Boeing engine that I'm working on, or a Boeing part or something that's manufactured by Boeing, if I want to understand how to get maximum efficiency out of that Boeing product, I need to have a Boeing rep or a Boeing manual. In other words, I want to know what the manufacturer, what the creator says.

The same thing is true when it comes to marriage. Marriage is not something that the United States of America invented or instituted. It's something that God instituted. So when we talk about marriage, it's real simple. We just need to know what God has to say about it.

Contemporary Challenges to God's Design

So we have all sorts - I don't know what it's like up here. I sense that the state of Oregon and - I could be dead wrong - but I sense the state of Oregon and Washington are a little more liberal perhaps than we are in Arizona. I'm not saying that's good or bad. It's just self-evidently bad, and so I don't have to say anything about it.

But I know some states - I don't know that it's up here yet - but I know that certainly some states are looking, certainly Vermont leading the way, Hawaii, we're going to wait to legalize same-sex marriages. And the opposition to that's real simple to me. It's what's the designer saying?

The Four Elements of Marriage

We looked at last night that marriage has basically four elements to it. Number one, it is to be heterosexual - a man and a woman. Number two, and I think I didn't talk about this last night, it's also relational. A man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. When you create in marriage, a couple coming together, you create a new family. And so that new family, in a sense - and I mean this in the best sense of the word - supersedes the existing family. My primary relationship on this planet is no longer with my mother and father, but with my wife.

This is particularly hard because we have two girls - 20, soon to be 21 on New Year's Eve, it'll be 21 New Year's Eve - and a daughter 19. And as these girls grow up and they, I would assume, one day would date and find spouses and marry, that marriage replaces, in a sense, our family. Their primary relationship is with their husband.

The third thing about marriage that we need to understand is that there's such a degree of intimacy that's there - the two will become one flesh. When we were getting ready to come up, Susan sent me an email, and she emailed and just said, "You know, I'm looking forward, you know, it would be a great time to get away," and then she just signed it "XOXOXOXOXO."

which I presume means she can't spell Susan. What she would have thought by now she could do so. I just emailed back. I was in my office. I've been under really a lot of just intense pressure, but pressure only because of scheduling—just a lot of meetings and stuff. We're going through trying to plant a church at the same time we're trying to build more on ours, and it's just hard stuff.

So I came back and there was email and I smiled. So I emailed her back and I just said I'm really looking forward to the time because we book-ended it. We got an extra day in the front. We're gonna get an extra day or two in the back. I said, "I'm really looking forward to the time to get together and grow even closer," and so I put XOXOXOXO back.

And then so she mailed me back and she just said, "What do you mean get closer? XOXOXOXO."

Well, being the man of God that I am, I emailed back and said, "The two shall become one flesh. XOXOXOXO."

The Intimacy of Marriage

Well, there's an intimacy—there's something about... and let me... There is within the marriage, at least by design, it's designed to be the most intimate relationship you can have humanly. Now I'm gonna run the risk here of offending some of you, but I don't want to.

But that's where the sexual aspect comes into this—the idea of being naked and laying or sitting or standing next to a person who is also naked. The idea there is the most intimate human—we've broken even the barrier of clothing in the intimacy of this relationship. That's what marriage is designed to be.

I want to talk about sex this morning. And then here's the third aspect of it. Why are you shaking your head? What's your deal?

And there's a fourth thing: it's designed to be stable. Here's what Jesus said: "What God's joined together, let no man separate." Now I understand context around it, but that was God's original intent. Does God allow in His word biblical reasons for us to divorce? Sure. Not based on a flaw in His design, but based on sin and man's life.

So all that to make sure we understand that's God's design.

Realistic Expectations in Marriage

We're going to look today at least at the second point. Maybe the third point as well. And the second point is that as I approach marriage, I'm to have realistic expectations.

Let me read to you what I say in the course of the marriage ceremony. And then we'll come back: "Resist the temptation to expect your spouse to meet all your needs. That is not humanly possible. Only God can do that. Only He can meet all your needs and He promises to do so. Paul commands us to let our gentleness be evident, knowing the Lord is near. He comforts us with these words: 'Be anxious for nothing, but pray about everything. By prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your request to God, and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.'"

So here's the second point: as I come to this marriage, I need realistic expectations.

A Personal Story from 1991

I am at Priority Living. What I do is about every three and a half or four years I repeat my curriculum. Guys, I don't have time to create new stuff. Most people are in and out, and most of it frankly is good enough that it withstands the test of three or four years. And I'm doing a series now called "Don't Worry Be Happy," and it's a series that I haven't done since 1991.

So I'm going back to listen to the tape just to see what it was I said in 1991. And in there I'm talking about Susan and I. And I do not remember this circumstance, but I know I would not make it up, so it must be true.

Susan and I are walking through the mall when Susan said to me, "What first attracted you to me?"

Now as a guy, we're treading into a loser-loser proposition here. Okay? There's no way. There's no place this is going. But I'm also trying to be honest the best I can and diplomatic at the same time, so I said to her, "Well, let's think about it. What first attracted me to you? I had not yet heard you speak. I had not yet had any sort of encounter. What first attracted me to you is very simple: it was your body and your face. I fell in lust immediately. And you were gorgeous, and you swept me away."

Now on the surface that sounds harsh, but in there as you examine it is an extraordinary compliment. So that must have pacified her because she thought for a moment, and then there was a second question.

And the second question was, "Why did you marry me?"

And again, a bit of a loser conversation. But I answered her with probably the answer that most people, if they're honest, would give when they get married: I married her because I thought she would make me happy.

The Wedding Day

I remember the day very vividly. I remember standing there and waiting for her to come down this aisle. She came down and—I'm honest—when I asked her to marry me, I wasn't sure that she'd say yes, but she did. And I'm standing there that day and the preacher says, "You, Tom, do you take Susan to be your wife, to have and hold this day, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?" I said, "I do."

And he said, "Susan, do you take Tom to be your husband, to have and hold this day, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?" And I'm not exaggerating—I literally held my breath because I thought, you know, we've come a long way, but I'm not really sure she'll say yes.

And she said yes. And when we walked down that aisle, I was as happy as I could ever imagine myself being, because I had in my life the person that I desired most.

The Reality of Unmet Expectations

But what happened very quickly was this: I realized that I was asking Susan to do something she could never do.

In fact, I came home one day, not too many months into this marriage, and I said, "I'm not very happy. I'm not very happy at all. You're not making me very happy."

And she said, "Well, let me tell you something: I'm not a walk in the park either, pal."

And then we were just stuck. And in reality, stuck in a position that we could never get out of, because we were asking each other—and I'm going to keep the focus on me, not on Susan—I was asking Susan to be something and to do something...

The Missing Ingredient in Most Lives

That only God could do. I'm going to spend the bulk of my time this morning talking about what I'm convinced is the missing ingredient in most people's lives.

In fact, open your Bibles to First Timothy chapter 6. I love this passage. I love this thought because I think aside from just the gospel message, it is the most important message that many of us can listen to.

First Timothy chapter 6, verse 6. Paul writes to Timothy—he's giving this young man advice. The relationship that they have is an extraordinary relationship. Paul says at one point that there's nobody on this planet who has a kindred spirit with me like Timothy. He's an extraordinary man. I believe from what we have that Paul's favorite person on this planet is Timothy. I think he loved Timothy with an extraordinary love. He trusted Timothy. He left Timothy in charge of what is arguably his favorite church, the church at Ephesus.

Paul's Equation for Great Gain

Paul writes then to Timothy to basically tell him how to handle his life, how to handle a church. He says in First Timothy 6:6, "But godliness is actually a means of great gain when it's accompanied by contentment. We brought nothing into the world, we take nothing out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content."

Now here's what I want you to see—this is very important. Godliness plus contentment equals, in God's economy, great gain. Let's put it in the form of an equation. Godliness plus contentment equals great gain.

Let's assign numerical value, and it doesn't even matter. Let's say godliness is a 9 and contentment is a 1, but what we're trying to get to is 10. Godliness plus contentment equals great gain. So let me do it this way: godliness apart from contentment could not equal great gain.

The Problem with Our Focus on Godliness Alone

So you can go all over these churches all around and you'll hear message after message after message on godliness. We got godliness down, and I don't mean this in a critical way—it's obviously important. If you go down into the bookstore right now, you'll find volumes on godliness. I'll bet you won't find one book on contentment.

Yet if what Paul says is true—if godliness apart from contentment can't get you to great gain—we're missing something. So maybe the assumption is we're all just naturally content? Well, we got a problem here.

Philippians 4:11—Paul says, "I have learned this secret. I found the secret to life. I've learned what it is to be content." See, he didn't say, "I came into life and it was a natural thing and I just got it." No, "I learned it." It's something that we learn. We learn to be content.

The Culture of Discontent

You and I live at a time and in a culture that just bombards us, pulling us toward discontent. Radio Shack's running an ad right now, and they have this great ad. They got all the gadgets, and the tagline at the end—listen to this. This is why I love doing this kind of stuff, because this is stuff you hear all the time. Understand, this has spiritual consequence. The tagline is this: "We have thousands of things you never knew you needed."

What? Thousands of them. An automatic potato peeler—I never knew I needed that. See, all of these things. We live in this time where we got all this stuff that you need, and God says, "No, not really." This contentment thing is a huge deal.

A Different Perspective on Christians Today

Maybe it's just me, but what I observed—one of the great things for me is when I became a Christian, I was a bit of a tabula rasa, a blank slate, in the sense that I didn't come with baggage. I'm still around when people start talking about denominations and stuff—I don't know much about them and I don't really care to know.

So I'm just kind of walking into this Christian thing looking around and going, "What's going on?" I wasn't around very long, and I'm in some meeting and some guy said, "You know, the problem with us Christians today—we're so heavenly minded, we're no earthly good." And I thought, "Well, you know what? That's not what I see. I see people who are so earthly minded, they're no heavenly good." That's what I see. I see people who are absorbed with the stuff of this world so much so that it's distracted them from the things of God.

A Universal Question: How Much Is Enough?

Whenever I get a chance—this would be one of them—this is where I go. Let me show you. Last night I was in Houston speaking to a totally secular group. In fact, at the break I was talking to different people who had wares there they were selling, and I was talking to a guy from Playboy and a guy from Anheuser-Busch. Totally secular group. The assignment, the topic they gave me: Contentment. Perfect.

So I go into that area and I just start talking about it, and see, this just cuts across chords because everybody senses it. Everybody's asking that kind of question, even in their own mind if not from others: "How much is enough?" There's not a parent around who at some point in their life doesn't feel like a human ATM, with the kids coming up and punching the buttons and just pulling the money right out of their belly. Every parent feels that. They don't know how much is enough.

"What do you mean, you're the most selfish person?" And they go, "Yeah, Daddy, I learned it from you." And that's where they get this kind of stuff.

Contentment Versus Apathy

That's why I love this: godliness plus contentment equals great gain. When I take godliness and I put it with contentment—not apathy. Apathy means lack of emotion. But that's Webster's definition. Apathy means literally "whatever."

Contentment means I'm satisfied. In fact, Webster goes on in one of his definitions to define it as being satisfied though not every want is met. I know I don't have everything, but I think—

My love and desire for the Lord—there should never be an ultimate satisfaction there. I should always be straining there. But what we're talking about is in the things of the world around us: godliness plus contentment equals great gain.

See, there has to—in fact, let me look at what you got in front of you. Let's read it: godliness plus contentment equals great gain. Verse 7: We brought nothing into the world. We can't take anything out of it either. Verse 8: if we have food and covering, with those we should be content.

Now let's be honest. Doesn't this read better if you skip verse 7? It really does. Godliness plus contentment equals great gain. If we have food and covering, with those we should be content. And I spent a lot of time going, "Why in the world?" Because we know it's right. We know God wrote it, so we know it's right. So we know it's there for a reason.

I spent a lot of time thinking, "Well, why would He put verse 7 there?" And then one day it dawned on me. That's the ticket to contentment. The ticket to contentment is this: knowing I came in with nothing and I'm going to leave with nothing. It doesn't make sense to get attached to the things of this world.

The Navy Suit Story

Ray Steadman—many of you would know Ray Steadman. In fact, I was at a conference at Multnomah years ago where Ray was there and we had a chance to just go out to some little Bible church. I don't know where we were and listen to Ray teach. It was just such a great privilege to listen to Him.

Steadman tells a magnificent story about going to speak at a conference in Boston. He arrives in Boston and His luggage doesn't. So He's got what He's wearing, and it's a kind of a Christian conference where coat and tie is kind of accepted. Yet if I remember this story, there were some problems in that it was a Saturday—I'm not sure exactly that—and He gets out from the hotel and He starts walking.

He comes by this window and there's this beautiful Navy suit in the window. He wasn't aware it was a clothing store. He looks up and it was a pawn shop. He goes in and He says, "You know, I know this is not much of a chance, but what size is that?" And He said, "What's a 44 long?" And He said, "Well, I'm a 42 regular." He said, "So?" He said, "No, no, we got a whole bunch of suits. Come on back here."

And He takes Him back and here's racks of Navy suits. And He said, "How's a pawn shop going to have racks of Navy suits?" And the guy said, "Well, it's kind of weird, but one of the mortuaries in town just went out of business. And apparently people who don't care what they look like in life do want to look good when they're dead, I guess—which is stupid. And so they want a Navy suit. So," He said, "they went out of business, so I bought these Navy suits." And He said, "There's suits that the pawn shop or that the mortuary just has made for Him, and they just have racks of them, so I bought Him."

And He said, "Well, if you got a 42 regular in there." And He said, "Sure, I think so." He said, "Yeah." He said, "Well, it needs some work." And He said, "Well, there's a tailor. There's a gal right around the corner. Let me call her and maybe she can get in and get it fixed. I understand the circumstances." Lo and behold: bam, bam, cut, boom. He's ready to go.

The next morning He gets up and He puts on His shirt. He stops at the store, puts on a tie, puts on His pants, and He goes to get His stuff off—the wallets and stuff—and He goes to put Him in the pants. No pockets. Because a dead man doesn't need pockets.

The Lesson About Possessions

That's a great story. See, it's just a great reminder. It's just a real simple, great reminder that you came into the world with nothing and you leave with nothing. So let's ask the question that stops us from laughing: then why do we bust our pick trying to get stuff that we can't stick into pockets?

See, and it's not just—and I'm not—let me help you out here. I am NOT anti-material stuff. I'm pro-material stuff. I'm anti-materialism. Materialism meaning, in materialism, that's where I find my meaning. That's where I find my place. That's where I find my value. And the reason that I care about this at all is because lack of contentment in the areas where we're dissatisfied is pulling us away from the true things.

Jim Elliot's Example

There is a book that I love to read: Shadow of the Almighty, which is the life and testament—the diary—of Jim Elliot. Some of you are familiar with Jim Elliot's story. He was a young man who was an absolute incredible man by all accounts who went to Wheaton and out of Wheaton became a missionary. On their first excursion to reach an Indian tribe in South America, He was killed. So many, of course, would look at that and say, "What a waste." But in reality, God has used Him in a powerful way.

Jim Elliot tells the story in here at different ages about just different things that He says and does. He's probably most known for that statement: "He is no fool who gives what He cannot keep to gain what He cannot lose." He made that in 1949 at age 22. That's pretty impressive.

Elizabeth Elliot tells the story about walking across the Wheaton campus, and here comes Jim Elliot. He was the hot guy on campus. So she had a yearbook there and she went up and she said, "You know, would you sign my yearbook, please?" And He signed it. "Sure. Jim Elliot, 2 Timothy chapter 2, verse 4." So she was convinced that this was some sort of a secret subliminal message that she was the gal.

Then she raced home to look up 2 Timothy chapter 2, verse 4. Here's what it says: "No soldier in active duty entangles themselves in the affairs of everyday life, so He may please the one who enlisted Him." Stay away from me, Jim Elliot—that's what He said. "I don't have time to be diddling around with girls."

At age 22, here's what Jim Elliot wrote as He—like any guy—He's 22 years old, He's trying to figure out life. Part of that is male-female, chicks, guys, the whole deal. Here's what He wrote: "I've been musing lately on the..."

The Dangerous Multiplication of Material Needs

I want to share with you something that illustrates the extremely dangerous cumulative effect of earthly things. One may have good reason, for example, to want a wife, and he may have her legitimately. But with a wife comes Peter the pumpkin eater's proverbial dilemma: he must find a place to keep her. Most wives will not stay on such terms as Peter proposed, so a wife demands a house. A house in turn requires curtains, rugs, washing machine, etc. A house with these things must soon become a home, and children are the intended outcome.

Now listen to this guy - he's 22 years old. Listen to this phrase because it's contrary to what you think, but it's right: the needs multiply as they're met. In other words, we think we meet a need and then it goes away, but he said no. Let me give you a perfect example you'll never forget with this illustration.

One day the girls go "Ah!" Our girls are really afraid of bugs, so they're going "Ah!" But having been trained in this, they then go "Mom! Mom!" They know I don't want to deal with it either. So they go "Mom! Mom!" and they go, "Well, there's a spider out front," and Susan said, "Tom, go out and get it." So I go out and here's this spider - this gigantic spider. So I knock it down on the ground and I go like this. When I hit it, a million little baby spiders poured out of this thing. When I thought of this very phrase when I did it: as needs are met, they multiply. As I meet a need, it multiplies.

Now listen: a car demands a garage, a garage demands land, land a garden, a garden tools, tools need to be sharpened. Whoa to the man who would live a disentangled life in this century! I have learned from this that the wisest life is the simplest one, lived in the fulfillment of only the basic requirements of life: shelter, food, and covering. Even these can become productive of other needs if one does not heed: be on guard, oh my soul, of complicating your environment so that you have neither time nor room for growth.

Knowing the Jim Elliot story, these next two sentences have nothing to do with what went before or after, but listen - it's almost prophetic as he writes this: "I must not think it strange if God takes in youth those whom I would have kept on earth until they were older. God is peopling eternity, and I must not restrict Him to old men and old women." Incredible.

The Foundation of Contentment

Here's our focus though: it's contentment. I think Jim Elliot's exactly right - my needs multiply as I meet them to live a disentangled life. Here's what I'm talking about: contentment in all areas of life, first in the area of material things - being content with what God's given you.

It sounds almost un-American. In fact, I have never thought of writing a book, and I don't write, but I'm close to doing a book on contentment. The reason is I don't see a lot of people talking about it. I think it's such a critical part of spiritual growth.

When we talk about material things, what we have to do is understand that there is a point where we say enough is enough. That's why I say realistic expectations. In the same way with material things, many of you in this room have achieved a level of success that 15 years ago you said was adequate. But because you never defined it, you've caught the car and you don't realize it.

The Las Vegas Illustration

Las Vegas is what I use. In the old days, I used to go to Vegas all the time. On the way up I would inevitably hear somebody say this: "When I lose a thousand dollars, I'll quit." I'd hear it every time I'm going to Vegas - "When I lose a thousand bucks, I'll quit." I would oftentimes see that person and they would be up a thousand or two. When they're up a thousand or two, you know what they say? "Give me the dice, I'm hot!"

Besides that, they have a goal. What's their goal? To lose a thousand bucks, and they're not going to stop till they do. There's nothing going to detour them because they're going to keep playing until they lose this thousand bucks.

I want you to understand this: if you would have said to this person on the way up, "If you could win a thousand dollars, would you be happy?" they'd say, "Absolutely! I'd be the happiest guy in Las Vegas, Nevada, because I've never won. I'd love to win a thousand bucks." Here's what I want you to see: they had achieved what they said would make them happy. But because it was never defined, they didn't understand it.

The Moving Finish Line

So what we do is, since it's not defined and agreed upon, we say, "Well, this will make us happy," but we don't agree upon it. So the minute we get there, we say, "This will make us happy," and then "This will make us happy," and then "This will make us happy." So we're running a marathon race, and in a sense, the finish line is on casters. The closer we get, the more they move the line away, so we never break the tape.

The Orange County Register did a study a few years ago and asked, "How much money would it take to make you happy?" Here's what they discovered: those making $45,000 a year said $55,000. Those making $55,000 said $65,000. Those making $65,000 said $75,000. Very interesting - in the $70,000 to $80,000 range, they found that to be a time where you were really vulnerable. That tended to be a time when people were more willing to take on more debt for whatever reason. The people making $80,000 said $90,000. $90,000 said $100,000. $100,000 said $120,000.

Here's what I've concluded from that: we're all starving at our own level. We're all at our own level and we're not happy with it. Well, if I'm not happy materially, what happens is I will put myself further in debt, further in trouble. So now I have to work even harder. We've got people working 70 hours a week, 60 hours a week, to pay for what they think they really need, but in reality they don't need it at all.

Guys, because the guys don't go, "Yeah, you hear what he's saying? We need a budget!" And here's what happens there, so now they get a budget...

Finding Contentment Materially

The problem with a budget isn't unique to one gender. The gals will blow it and get a dress, the guys will get a boat. But it's a sense of contentment in a material sense, and I believe you have to have this. I believe you have to get to a point where you go, "You know what? It's okay."

My car right now is a great car, the best car I've ever had - a 1991 Pathfinder with a hundred and forty thousand miles on it. I've got people saying we got to get a new car. Why would I get a new car? Well, that one's ten years old. I got socks older than that. What do I care?

It doesn't matter to me. Well, what they're saying is it looks a little bumpy out in the parking lot. Everybody else has new cars. There's a Lexus there and a Lexus there, or as we say at our church, we have Lexi everywhere. Well, we got all these Lexi around, so you got to have one too.

I don't need one. All of a sudden I'm gonna have to insure it and I'm gonna have to buy the plates for it and I'm gonna have to maintain it, and I don't want to spend the money. It's not that I'm tight - I'd rather spend it somewhere else. You and I have to reach a point where we say materially, enough is enough.

Let me go on with this just a little bit because it's real easy to beat each other up materially. There's a big thing: you have to be content with the spouse God's given you. Really gotta be.

Understanding What Men Need Most

What happens, and it happens on two ends, you'll see the gals and they'll typically - I watch this - I watch these gals come along and humiliate their husbands. Let me tell you the number one thing a guy needs, gals, and I believe this. I believe that men - and I know you gals, you know - but men understand women better than women understand men. Let me explain to you why.

There's been 40,000 books written into guys about how women think. Now we may not do anything about it, but we understand it better. And I believe it. By the way, there's a prejudice against the guys on this, and I'll give you the perfect example.

You watch - here's what they do. Every year on Mother's Day, every year in the church on Mother's Day, they do this: "Blah mother," they give them flowers, they fall all over them, tell them how great they are, all this stuff. What do they do on Father's Day? "Men, you need to step to the pump. You're not leading. You're not doing what you're designed to be." That drives me crazy.

So what I did two years ago, my Mother's Day message was "Wives, submit to your husband." I don't stir this up. Well gals, since you don't know what guys need, let me tell you the number one thing a guy needs more than anything else: respect. He needs respect.

The Power of Respect in Marriage

There's a great scene in "On Golden Pond" where Henry Fonda is going out to pick berries. He's this guy that's been very successful, and now he can't even pick berries. He comes back and he's sitting in the chair, just sitting there, breathing hard and feeling like a failure. Katherine Hepburn comes out and says, "What's wrong?" He says, "I can't even get berries." She puts her arms around him and says - and you guys kind of see him go, "Really?"

See, guys are 90% ego. So this is what they want to hear. By the way, we don't need to go to Cosmopolitan and get a survey. That's why God says wives submit to your husband. A guy's number one need is respect. God's ordained him the leader of the house.

We have a couple I'm dealing with right now. They have a 50-50 marriage. I said, "Really? How's that working out for you?" "Great, right honey?" And he goes, "Yeah, yeah, it's working out good." Okay, we got a 50-50 marriage. So what do you do when you disagree? "Well, we don't disagree. We talk it through until we agree." What do you do when you can't agree?

Now listen to this - this is how they resolve it: whoever feels the strongest about their position wins. Really? So now I know that the rules are I've got to feel strong about my position to win. Can you see them resolving these issues?

God's Design for Marriage Authority

Listen, God never said marriage is a 50-50 deal. He said husbands are the head of the house as Christ is the head of the church. Wives, submit to your husbands. If you want to rip that, ladies, if you want to rip that out of the Bible, don't stop tearing there - go right to the next verse that says husband, love your wife, because they all go together. That's the way God - now are there abuses to that? Yeah, I got all that figured out, but I'm saying to you that's God's design.

You're in here going, "I love God's design for marriage." Well, then just take that - that's part of it too.

What Wives Need Most

Guys, what a wife needs more than anything else - and by the way, I do husband, I sometimes say man and woman, but it's really husband and wife, we need to be clear on this as well - what a wife needs more than anything else is love. That's why God says love and nurture and cherish it.

The problem with this is defining this love thing because they have kind of an odd view of what love is. So we have at our house one of the things that Susan talks about regularly to me - we have what we call NST: non-sexual touching. Sounds like an oxymoron to me. It's kind of like Rapid City, South Dakota - they just don't go together. Doesn't work. I don't like that one.

So non-sexual touching. Well, I'm in the middle of this discussion and Gary Smalley comes out - I don't know where Smalley, Smalley's done more to set me back with these studies. I don't know where Smalley does this, but Smalley says a woman needs twelve non-sexual hugs a day. I'm behind a little bit, but when I am thinking about it, what I try to do is come to go, "Oh yeah, one, two, three, four, five." But that's at night. And again, gals, I assume you understand when guys think -

Understanding What Each Spouse Needs Most

When men and women think of love, they see it differently. If you say to a guy, "Does your wife really love you?" he'll go, "Oh, you should see her..." If you say to a gal, "Does your husband really love you?" she'll go, "Oh, he got me this thing with this wheel and it's a heart and it says 'A heart is at home.' He really loved me a lot." Well, his secretary picked it out at lunch. That's how he got it. But nonetheless, he thought to do it.

You see, that's what a wife needs more than anything else—love. Did you notice that in neither of those answers was stuff? It's being content with the spouse that's given you—God's given you this. To nurture them and to understand them, to live in an understanding way. This is a very difficult thing to do, and it gets very difficult on both ends.

How Wives Can Destroy Their Husbands

Here's how gals abuse this: all of a sudden you'll hear them literally verbally castrate their husbands in public. Here's what they'll say: "Well, boy, they don't have a house. Did you see the house they had? Did you see the car they had? You know what he's like, you know. What would you say at that office today? I know you said..." I watch gals do this.

I'm in a bookstore one day and this gal comes up to me and she said, "You're Tom Schrader, aren't you?" I said, "Yeah, I am." I've never seen this gal ever in my life. She establishes who I am. Here's what she says: "You know the problem with men today?" I look down—she has a wedding ring. I said, "No ma'am, I don't know the problem men have today." She said, "They're wimps."

Well, I'll tell you what—she's dead right. Most guys are. Most guys are because they finally reached a point where they just said, "Listen, you take it all—it's yours."

The Confusion About Male Leadership

Men are going to do whatever they think is the path of least resistance. That's why we just went through this whole thing in this society. Our society can't figure it out—God figured it out, society can't. So we went through this time where women are saying, "We want sensitive men. We want understanding guys, gentle, nice guys." Okay, guys should be sensitive and understanding, but now they're going, "But you've got to lead too." Very complicated, very difficult.

So gals, when you talk about your husband that way, you're just destroying him. What he'll do is just say, "Fine. You go ahead and lead. You go ahead and lead. You figure it out. You take care of it."

The Challenge Men Face as They Age

Guys, the other end of it becomes a challenge as we get older, especially physically, because we're so physical in our viewpoint. As our wives change, sometimes we put them in positions where they can't possibly win. Perfect example: you're watching television. As God ordained, the man has the flipper. If you're a real man—see, I don't go to Home Depot and I don't care about tools—a real man has 200 channels on his TV.

So you're flipping through, just going along, flipping along, and everything's flipping. You're flipping through there and all of a sudden you come to the ESPN, "The Making of the 2000 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar." You've been flipping a while—your thumb needs a rest. You need to shake that thing out.

The Impossible Comparison

After a while, here's what happens: you're in your chair, she's in hers, and you're watching this. All of a sudden you're going, "Wow, I wonder if they're the same species?" Here's the problem, gentlemen: she cannot measure up to some 22-year-old gal. It ain't going to happen. Number one, you're too tight to spend the money on the surgery. Number two, it's the nature.

Somebody has said women marry men hoping they'll change and they don't. Men marry women hoping they'll never change and they do. Here's my favorite—Susan hates it when I do this—it's always a guy like this. It's always a guy that goes, "Well, the problem with her is she's let herself go."

Being Content with Your Children

Being content with a spouse, guys, give me being content with the kids. My girls are involved—we're no longer involved, but we were involved in cheerleading. So I went to thousands of games that I didn't care about. At least most parents are there because their kids are playing, but I'm there going, "Somebody take a timeout so we can have a cheer."

I'm kind of a sports guy, so I went to a game one time. The halftime score was 34 to 4 in basketball. The final score was 62 to 4. This other team didn't score in the second half. What makes this really bad? That's not the game I was there for—I'm there for the next game afterwards.

I'm out because nobody knows me in this setting, so I'm listening to this guy and he's talking to his kid. He says, "That Billy can really jump. That Billy can really shoot. Did you see Billy play defense? You see Billy rebound? That Billy can really dribble." The kid...

The Problem of Misplaced Expectations

I wish you were Billy. I believe that children ought to obey their parents and I don't think they should talk back to them. I'm very strict, but this is one time where I'd like the kid to talk back and say, "Let me tell you something. I can't dribble like Billy or jump like Billy or rebound like Billy or shoot like Billy or pass like Billy because I got your genes and not Billy's dad's genes." That's the problem.

I mentioned yesterday this book. I obviously had no intention of reading from this book. In fact, I didn't buy it thinking there'd be anything particularly spiritual about it. It's written by a guy, Harry Stein. He is not a Christian. In fact, in the jacket it says, "Harry Stein's liberal left credentials are spotless. As a journalist in an industry populated by liberals, he carried His left-wing banner in His life, in His work. The transformation of Harry Stein began when he became a father, and nothing in His wildest dreams could have prepared Him for what was to come." The book is titled "How I Accidentally Joined the Vast White Right-Wing Conspiracy."

A Parent's Awakening to Cultural Neglect

In this, Stein's talking and he's very clear—not a Christian, obviously a Jewish fellow at least by birth. I don't know what he practices; I'm not that far in the book yet, a few pages left. He's talking about now he and his wife have a child, and this is a passion of mine. Let me just read it, and obviously I've edited this, so it may seem disconnected, but you'll get the drift.

"By millions, American parents have neglected their children—if not materially, then in ways that arguably matter even more, involving emotional safety, security, and the legacy of a world worth inheriting." William Damon, director of Stanford Center on Adolescence, puts it this way in the New York Times. Now listen to this. We have a culture where we're so concerned—and I know we're in the Northwest and environment is so important—and I'm with you, okay. But let me tell you something way more important than the environment: the environment and the culture we're dumping on these kids.

This is a Stanford guy. Here's what he says: "There has never in the history of the civilized world been a cohort of kids that is so little affected by adult guidance and so attuned to the peer world." In His book "The Culture of Narcissism," the author Christopher Lasch writes, "This is a profoundly anti-child culture"—he's talking about the world you live in.

The Loss of Purpose and Obligation

This is chapters later when Stein's talking about trying to find daycare for kids. As he's talking about it, he writes, "Instruction by example in honorable behavior is a vital part of training for inheriting the world. Once, before it became the rage to live to the fullest and never stop thinking young, that was simply understood. You had obligations in life and you met them. This gave daily existence both rhythm and a larger meaning. In fact, it was presumed your primary purpose on earth was to see that your kids were prepared to grow into adulthood. What you did to earn a living or whether you were fulfilled didn't matter a damn."

He adds—this non-Christian guy, by the way—in this next sentence exactly this: "Here's the irony: by such a process, chances were you were fulfilled, likely far more deeply than most today who so aggressively pursue it."

Helen Hayes' Regret

Then he reads a story of Helen Hayes. In this, as she talks about at the end of her life as an old lady, she talks about her grandmother and what a profound effect her grandmother had—much more than her mother. She said my mother wanted nothing more than a stage career. This is Helen Hayes now at the end of her life.

Let me just read you what she says: "I know that for all the deep satisfaction it gave me, my career was not a good thing for us or for our children, for the children suffered also. Even my little girl Mary was a wise soul. I'll never forget something she said when she was six or seven. We were walking hand in hand to the front door as I was headed off on another tour. 'Mommy, I want to go everywhere with you.' It's so easy to shut those things out, to race out, to get lost in one's own life. But I knew it was an outcry from that little heart that still haunts me. I don't know—my life is spoken of as a great success, but it's been a long time, and I still feel Charlie and Mary's absence so acutely. They're both with me all the time. I only wish I'd given it more thought before, when it would have made a difference."

The Modern Parenting Crisis

He writes on page 162 as he continues—this theme just keeps coming back into His mind. He said, "In our little upscale suburb, the nanny-mother ratio at the local park has gone in the past years from 50-50 to more like 80-20. While a lot of these kids are really dressed well—corporate salaries will do it—it hardly compensates for the fact that many of the nannies seem to interact with their charges hardly at all. Indeed, many of them speak no English."

Listen to this: "Then there was the woman I know at a nearby daycare facility who matter-of-factly reports that some of her three and four-year-olds don't even know how to use silverware. 'They've been raised on burgers and chicken McNuggets,' quote."

Misguided Political Priorities

He closes this chapter: "This is what's so disheartening—to hear politicians signal their concern for children by pushing increased government spending for affordable childcare and tax relief for working parents. One recent plan proposed $240 monthly in cash and tax incentives for workers who would carpool, use mass transit, or bikes to get to work, yet suggested a tax credit for stay-at-home moms of just $14.83 a month. It's not that the politicians are insincere"—I would disagree with them there. It's not that the politicians...

It doesn't take a village to raise a child. It takes loving, responsible, committed parents—ideally two of them together for the duration. This is so important.

We are literally in our neighborhood—when Susan was home raising the girls during the day and decided to stay home, she was, except for the gal across the street, the only stay-at-home mom in our entire neighborhood. Ladies, maybe you're in that position where you are a stay-at-home mom. I want to encourage you. Maybe you're a lady that works.

I think one of the great lies and myths perpetrated on the American public is that it takes two incomes to survive. I don't think it does. I think that's a lie. It takes two incomes to survive if I need a place to go and vacation and the other thing. Well, it means we'll go without, so what? And I don't mean to put a guilt trip on you. I know how vulnerable people are in this.

The Reality of One-Income Living

I would come home some days and Susan's there with these kids, and we only had one car because we didn't have any money. I'm only making fourteen thousand four hundred dollars a year. That's what we're living on, and we made a decision—she's not going to go to work. So we only have one car and I've got it, and she's got two kids, two girls about seventeen, eighteen months apart. And I'd come home and she'd say, "Say something to me. All day, all I've heard is 'out' and 'out' and 'out.' Say something." And I said, "What's for dinner?" You idiot.

I'll tell you, and I believe this—once you say we're going to have these kids, I think the social contract that you have implied is your life goes on hold. And that's your obligation. You brought them into the world and you nurture them.

The Daycare Question

I had a secretary who was going to have a baby and then wanted to come back to work. And I wasn't going to let her come back to work. Now, there's no way she wasn't going to come back, and she said, "Tom, I just—help. How I—I want to come back." And I said, "Let me ask you this," and I said, "I don't mean this in a flip way. Let me ask you this: a new baby needs—it's multiple choice. Please don't answer now, but go home and think about it. A new baby needs: A, Jeep; B, a vacation; C, a mom."

There's no way—if you think you can put your kid in daycare and that—I don't care how good you say it is. There was just a story where a gal, a career gal, gets pregnant. She's going to stay at work and she wants to do daycare. She goes to her city, she goes to the best daycare in the city, and she gets a job there for a week just to see what it's like. After two days, she left and said, "There's no way I'd put my child in there. There's no way."

You're taking the most precious gift God's given you. By the way, let me remind you—they're His kids, not yours. You are a steward of these children. They're not your kids, they're His kids. And as a steward, you have a fiduciary trust responsibility, and the responsibility is to raise them in the admonition of the Lord.

The Problem with Delegating Parenting

And you take those kids and you give them to workers who are minimum wage, sixteen and seventeen and eighteen-year-old girls to raise. There's no way. And we are—did you hear what he said, the guy from Stanford? We're at a time where the adult influence is gone and we're affected by our peers.

I get this all the time: "Talk to my kids about peer pressure." You talk to them about peer pressure. They're your kids. You can't say we're going to put them in here and then bring them in at night. And then you got everything going now—you got two jobs.

There's a gal, listening to this the other day—they're interviewing this gal and they said, "Well, who you going to vote for, the 2000 election?" And she said, "Well, I don't really know. I'm really torn." And he said, "Okay, who'd you vote for at ninety-six?" And she said, "I didn't vote." "Who'd you vote for in ninety-two?" She said, "I didn't vote." They said, "You didn't vote in the last two presidential elections?" Here's what she said: "I was too busy."

The Cost of Busyness

Okay, which is why I hope she doesn't vote in 2000. Okay, everybody talks about voter turnout. I'd be happy if one person voted in the whole election—that was me. I'd be the happiest guy on the planet. I don't care whether everybody votes or not. Are you nuts? And by the way, neither do the parties. The Democrats don't call the Republicans and say, "Let us give you a ride to the polls." Republicans don't call—they want their own party turnout. You understand that.

Too busy to vote? Well, think of the strain this puts on your marriage. Think of the strain it puts on your relationship to have two people working.

I know how unpopular, by the way, what I'm telling you is. You were very happy until about three minutes ago as a group, okay? But I know how unpopular this is. What I'm telling you is it's true.

The Rental Car Principle

Here you go. Susan and I have in that parking lot a rental car. Hey, I've rented a lot of cars. I have not one time—and I mean never in the history of my car rental experience—washed the car before I took it back. It's not mine. And I don't care how much these people say they love kids—they're not theirs. And they are not going to give them the love and nurture and admonition and security that they need.

The Fruit of Investment

So we got a call this morning at nine-thirty. Sarah called—our daughter. And I think most parents would be panicked, and Susan left. I knew exactly what it was. She's just calling to say, "Hey, what's going on? You know, let's talk." Then Susan comes back. I said, "Was it anything?" She said, "Yeah, hey, Sarah said that Haley was going to try to sleep late and she just wanted to talk." So they just chit-chat back and forth.

You know what that comes from? That comes from a mother who's dumped her life into her kid. And I'm not saying she loves her kids more than you love yours. What I'm saying is she understood the extraordinary responsibility that she has. And I'm saying to you, I got credibility on this issue, pal, because we had nothing when we did this. And yet we did, and we were pagans. But we understood the basic truth: it doesn't take a village. It takes parents.

Contentment in Marriage

A mom and a dad who loved that kid more than they love the things of this world - that's contentment. Now that's a sour note. I'll give you something to talk about at lunch. But I like the way that we closed the session last night, and I'm going to suggest we do it tonight. And maybe for our sessions together, I'm going to ask Lisa to come and sing, and then I'll close us in prayer and adjourn us.

Father, thank You that in this world You have given us a spouse. As we commit to one another, we know that humanly we will fail each other. But we also know that we are sinful people saved by Your grace and that our love for one another is not perfect, and it's not unconditional, though it should be.

What we do know is that Your love is unconditional for us. Your love is perfect for us. When we fail one another and we disappoint one another and we begin to think about ourselves instead of our mate, Father, help us rest comfortably in the knowledge that You are here for us. You'll never leave us, and You'll never forsake us.

We can find contentment in this life because we are content in You, God. We pray that to You this morning in Jesus' name. Amen. Have a great afternoon. Have a lot of fun.