New Relational Strategies For A Changing World

Tom Shrader addresses the modern paradox of increased networking but weakened relationships, examining how people build extensive contact lists while lacking deep connections. Drawing from Paul's example in 1 Thessalonians 2 and Jesus's parable of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10, he outlines four essential relational roles: being a giver like Timothy who puts others first, being a neighbor to those God places in our sphere, being a loyal friend who offers both support and honest correction, and being a lover within the covenant of marriage.

“You cannot fulfill either the great commandment or the great commission without people.”

— Tom Shrader

Series: How to Stay Afloat in a World Circling the Drain (2013)

Recorded: 2013 at Cannon Beach Conference Center

Duration: 1 hr 2 min

Themes: relationships, friendship, marriage, love, service, loyalty, community, connection, struggling with loneliness, building deep friendships, married couples, church members, isolated believers, new to community, seeking connection, relationship conflicts

Scripture: 1 Thessalonians 2:6-12, Luke 10:25-37, Philippians 2:3-5, Philippians 2:19-30, Philippians 4:9, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Proverbs 17:17, Proverbs 27:6, Proverbs 27:17, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Corinthians 7:1-5, Genesis 2:18

Theological Themes: biblical relationships, christian community, covenant marriage, agape love, servant leadership, discipleship, fellowship, biblical friendship

Full Transcript

Great to see you this morning, glad you're here. It seems weird that this is our last day. That split week goes really quickly, doesn't it? I hope you had a great 4th of July and everybody returned safely.

I want to address something from last night. When I left, I told Sandy that I don't think I did a very good job. I think we spent a lot of time distracted, and that's my fault. I was all over the map, I'm afraid. But if you look at the outlines from the first two days, you'll see that the last section in each case becomes the essence of a lesson. If you are a Sunday school teacher, if you're looking for something to do in a small group study or just a personal time, if you look at session one, there were those six things to think about while we're waiting in the midst of adversity. The pattern of these outlines is to set up the situation we see in the world and then see our response to them. So really those last six points last night about removing anxiety from your life become the key part of this.

Today you have an outline that says session six. This originally was an eight session series, and I selected four of them for us to examine in our time together. Today, under the same topic of how to stay afloat in a world that's circling the drain, we're going to talk about relationships.

The Timeless Nature of Our Struggles

You will see as you look that we're talking about Simon and Garfunkel and "I Am a Rock." I told you this series we originally developed in 1990. I thought about making some changes because my fear was very simple: you would think I was just pulling something off the shelf, didn't even take the time to redo it, dust it off, and just dump my load and away we go. That's not how I approach things.

The reason I didn't make the changes is I thought it was even more powerful to see that the things we're facing in 2013 are the same things we faced in 1990, maybe with a little different emphasis. But the issue is this: we turn to this book.

The Best How-To Book Ever Written

I love bookstores. At least down in our area, we're running out of them. All the Borders stores are gone. There's a couple of Barnes and Noble stores left. Barnes and Noble has decided to quit selling the Nook, which was their version of the Kindle. The fact that we describe it that way probably identifies the problem.

It always struck me as interesting that you'd walk into a Barnes and Noble and the first thing you'd see is them trying to sell you electronic books. That seems self-defeating to me. My suspicion would be that they're about to say, "Okay, Amazon wins." Those are gone now.

I love bookstores. I love to go in them and browse the different sections. Sandy and I just celebrated our anniversary down in Coronado, and there's a little bookstore there called Bay Books. It's run by an old curmudgeonly lady who's not very nice, but she does a great job of finding these amazing titles, these wonderful books. Every time I go in, I take my phone and get some great ideas for what to order off Amazon. So I am the problem. But there's always a how-to section, and we love that. I'm a sucker for lists: top 10 this, six of that.

The best how-to book ever written, however, is this one: How to Live. It's an owner's operating manual written by the manufacturer telling you and me how to get maximum effect and efficiency out of our life. God knows us primarily, I think, because He created us. He tells us how to get maximum efficiency out of this product.

A Personal Confession About Relationships

We come today to a topic that fascinates me, and I will confess up front, it's a difficult topic for me. It's relationships: new relational strategies for a changing world. I am not the most relational person in the world.

Sandy and I think alike about most things and feel alike. The best part of the day is when we're done with whatever it is we're doing, we eat dinner, and then we go in and put something on—a movie, a television show, Castle, The Mentalist, Frasier, a Seinfeld—and we just lay there and watch those until bedtime at 7:15 or 7:20, and then off we go. I don't know if it's because both of us are intensely involved in people all day, but I love the idea of being alone, in this case, of being alone together.

So when I talk about relationships, I am really telling you what I know to be true, and yet I struggle with it as well.

The Modern Relationship Paradox

Simon and Garfunkel wrote a song, "I Am a Rock." "I am a rock, I am an island. A rock feels no pain, an island never cries." It's this idea of, "I'm going to go it alone."

Here's what we've seen. We saw it in the 80s, 90s, and we see it now: people are building stronger networks, but they have weakened relationships. Especially now, it's amazing to me. I have something like 2,500 friends on Facebook, but I don't know any of them.

I was telling Sandy the other day about people who post stuff. It's amazing to me what they post, and it's amazing to me that they think I would be interested in what they post. I was telling Sandy about somebody in particular who's driving me a bit crazy, and Sandy says, "Well, unfriend them." I said, "I don't know what you mean." She said, "Push a button, and they're gone." What a great relationship. I said, "Try it."

button, and you're gone. And people with 300 people in their contact file, but nobody that they know well.

And it's one of the saddest conversations I ever had. I used to teach down in Tucson on Wednesday morning, and I'd get up at 3:30, drive down, get there about 6:30. I had a study that started at seven, and we started with about a dozen guys, and in two years, we had over 330 men coming. And it got so cool. Then what always happens in this is one of the gals will start to come. She's Rosa Parks. She breaks the barrier. And then before long, we have more women than men, because they're more relational, and they come in a covey of women. And then we had so many people that we started a luncheon study. And so I would stay down, and Wednesday was my Tucson day.

There was a guy that I had noticed that was coming in the morning, always by himself. He looked cool. I don't know what that means. He looked like me, I guess. He looked cool, except he was a little taller and a little more fit, a little younger. I understood that he was very successful in business. He drove this hot little sports car that he parked over so nobody could ding it, which made me want to park right next to him and just jam my door, but I didn't do it. His handicap was one or two at the course.

And one day, he said, I'd love to get together for breakfast. And I said, sure. And we got together, and he just seemed very sad. And the more we talked, the more I sensed there was something he wanted to say, but didn't know what it was. And I don't know that he did either. And finally, I said to him, if you were in trouble, who would you call?

The Power of Silence in Relationships

I learned it in business, that there's a time at which you've said everything there is to say, so be quiet. There's a tip for those of you that are salespeople. When you've said it all, be quiet. Don't talk yourself out of sales. That's what I used to find with the young guys I'd train. They couldn't handle the silence. They couldn't live with it. So they'd say something once they had the pressure on the guy.

So I said to him, who would you call? And I just took my food, and I'm eating my little burrito, and I look up, and he has a tear running down his cheek. And here's what he said: If I was in real trouble, I would have to call my dog. That's sad, but what's especially sad is some of you don't even have a dog.

But he had it all. He was the guy around town. He was the guy you wanted to come to your party. Lots of networks, but not many relationships.

The Isolation of Modern Life

Houses are closer together. Neighbors are further apart. That's one of the things you see when you come to Phoenix is everything is walled in. When I was a kid, you could start at one end of the block and go to the other end of the block. There were a few wire fences that you just bent down and jumped over, which made the owners sad, but you could get down.

You didn't have a garage door opener. It was interesting. I just spoke at a commencement address for a small Christian school, and I was trying to point out to them how fast things have changed, how things we use every day didn't exist when I was a kid. We didn't have a microwave. We didn't have a garage door opener. Now, technically, we did. My dad would say, get your butt out and open the garage door and walk, okay? But we didn't have a button that you push. Now, at about a half a block away, I push a button, my door goes up, my car goes into the garage. I'm out, I push another button, and I'm in without ever seeing anyone. Neighbors are closer together, but neighbors are falling apart.

The Dow is hitting an all-time high. There's a lot of dough around, yet friendships are low. Mergers, business-wise, are on the rise, but marriages are falling apart.

Relationship is Essential to Faith

To be a man or woman of God demands relationship. You cannot fulfill either the great commandment or the great commission without people. The great commandment: love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and your neighbor as yourself. Can't do that as an island. The great commission: go and make disciples, requires us interacting with people. And so for somebody like me, and I'm going to guess for many of you, when you talk about this, this is really difficult stuff.

You'll see in your outline four areas, four things in relationships: to be a giver, to be a neighbor, to be a friend, and in some cases, to be a lover.

To Be a Giver

If you have your Bibles, you can open them to 1 Thessalonians chapter two. I was in a meeting last week. It was unbelievably boring and dragging on, which makes it particularly sad as I was running the meeting. And so I must have felt that whatever needed to be said, needed to be said. So I was drifting as they were talking and I ended up in 1 Thessalonians.

To be a giver with the example of Paul. In 1 Thessalonians chapter two, verse six, Paul's writing to this church at Thessalonica. First lesson I ever taught in my life was 1 Thessalonians chapter one, which is just a great section of him talking about the intimacy he has with them.

Well, in chapter two, verse six, he said, "As apostles of Christ, we could have been a burden to you, but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God, but our lives as well. Because you had become so dear to us, surely you remember, brothers, our toil and hardship. We worked night and day in order not to be a burden to any one of you while we preach the gospel to you."

He said, we came to meet your needs. We had every right, by the way, to have you support us. This is a basic fundamental principle: support those who are teaching you. But he said, we decided not to do that. We remained, in our terms, bivocational. We raised our own support because we didn't want to be a burden to you. We came initially and loved you so much that we wanted

Living Life Together

To share not only the gospel with you, but our lives with you. Paul is writing another letter to the church at Philippi. At the end of that letter, Paul writes this in Philippians chapter four, verse nine: "The things that you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these."

This passage says the things you learned, received, heard, you saw in me. You know what that tells me? He was living with them. As you read through the gospels, we saw it last night in Luke chapter 12. Jesus encounters a man who says, "Here's a problem I have. Tell my brother to share his inheritance with me." Jesus tells a story and He turns to His disciples and begins to apply that.

What does that mean? That means He's hanging with them. You'll see that over and over again. Jesus will confront something, and then there's like this parenthetical insert in the story where Jesus looks to the disciples and says, "Well, boys, what'd you learn there? What can you teach me? What can I teach you there?" It's this example that you have to have in your life of hanging with people, of being with them.

The Timothy Example

Here's the example of Timothy in Philippians chapter two, verse 19. Paul's writing and he says to them, "I'm going to send you this guy. I hope in the Lord to send Timothy to you soon. I have no one else like him."

Imagine this. I'm trying to think of it this way. I'm trying to think of a teacher, somebody in the old days we'd say Chuck Swindoll. Let's say Swindoll - kind of everybody agrees on Swindoll. So imagine Swindoll has come through your church and you need a pastor and he says, "I'm going to send you somebody and I got nobody like him."

Can you imagine the conversation? What do you think this guy's going to be like? I'll bet he can really teach. He won't be Chuck, but he'll be close. I'll bet he's a visionary. I'll bet he's got vision. I'll bet he's an entrepreneurial guy, organizational guy.

Basically any enterprise falls into three categories. There's the originator, the organizer, the operator. Rarely can one person be all three. So Archie and Evangeline come along and they're the originators. Somehow they got a vision for this thing here. They take it to a certain level, but now somebody needs to come along and in some ways reoriginate, but mostly it becomes a matter of organization, operation.

What Makes Timothy Unique

Here's what sets Timothy apart. In your Bible, you underline, circle, you make a note, you come back to this. Paul says, "I have no one else like him." Verse 20: "No one of kindred spirit who will genuinely be concerned for your welfare, for they all seek after their own interest."

You want to be truly unique in a relationship in life? You think about something other than yourself.

The Natural Selfishness of Humanity

Sandy and I had Haley and Tyler's kids last weekend. Brayden's seven, Yale's five, Lucy's two and a half, Harmony's one. Lucy is just contagious. My fear would be that she has my personality, which means she's going to try to coast on her charm.

Well, she had some cards. Harmony's one, maybe one and a half. Harmony's lost in this whole equation. Everything's happening and she's just kind of watching it. She decides that she wants some of those cards that Lucy has. So she just starts to take them, not in a hostile way, simply takes them.

Harmony's kind of looking at Lucy and Lucy goes crazy. Sandy said, "Look at that." It's not that Harmony wants them. She's now taking the cards and kind of hiding them so Lucy can't get to them. And Lucy is screaming, "Mine, mine, mine!"

That's how you're born. Those are like the first words you learn. The first words a kid learns: no, mine. We grow through life and our entire time, we're just saying, "What about me?"

I used to travel a lot doing this. I would always try to bring something home. Usually they were t-shirts. If I got in the door and I gave a shirt to Haley, Sarah would say, "What about me?" If I gave a shirt to Sarah, Haley would say, "What about me?"

Then as we grow up, we become a little more sophisticated, but we're still saying, "What about me?" You live at a crisis point in the country right now.

There was something like 3 million entries when I Googled "leader," and there were something like 30,000 entries when I Googled "follower." And they were almost all followers of Christ. All I hear all the time is, we need leaders, we need leaders, we need leaders. And that sells.

What we need are followers. Everybody's at the trough saying, what about me? What about me? Not to be political, this is to try to illustrate this: you've got almost a $17 trillion deficit. Remember when it was 13 trillion like a week ago? Somehow they're going to have to cut something more than White House tours. And they're going to have to make real cuts. And they're sitting in Washington unable to do it because they're afraid that you won't let go. Your flinch is to say, what about me? And along comes Timothy and Timothy says, I'm here, what can I do for you?

Ronald Reagan used to have a little plaque on his desk that said, there's no limit to what you accomplish if you don't care who gets the credit. But we're fighting for that recognition. Along comes Timothy, here's the example.

The Foundation of Every Relationship

Look back earlier in chapter two of the book of Philippians, chapter two, verse three. This is great advice. And this is the key to any relationship. We're talking about friends, but any relationship. "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind, let each of you regard one another as more important than themselves. Don't merely look out for your own personal interest, but for the interest of other."

Note verse four: He said, don't merely look out for your own interest. What He's saying is, I know you're going to do that. Like when He says, love your neighbor as you love yourself. He's not saying, don't love yourself. He's saying, I know you're going to do that. I'm saying love them likewise. Don't look out for your own interest, but for the interest of others. And if you need a role model, Philippians two, five: "Have the attitude in you, which is also in Christ Jesus." And then He talks about Jesus becoming man, becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Be a giver, be a giver like Timothy. Here's the last example, like Epaphroditus. It's here in chapter two, verse 25. Epaphroditus is a guy that came to Paul apparently with a gift, with some financial support. He got there and then he got sick. And then the people who sent him became distressed that he was sick. And then he became sick that they were sick. There was this amazing example of saying, what can I do for you? And my life is totally invested in you.

Living as a Steward, Not an Owner

First and foremost, be a giver, not just of money, but of your life, your time, your energy, your effort. It's not your own. When we teach stewardship, we don't just talk about money. The last building campaign we did at church, here was my slogan: We have good news and bad news. The good news is we have all the money we need. The bad news is it's in your pocket. So that was our slogan.

And you need to give. And you need to figure out how to give. And you need—I'm talking to you now—you all need to understand this. When something like Cannon Beach comes along and they present an opportunity to you, it's not that you're doing them a favor by participating. They're doing you a favor by giving you an opportunity to share the things God's given you.

So when we say stewardship, you grab your wallet. I'm not talking about money. I'm talking about energy, time, your life. So that Paul says at the end of it, 2 Timothy 4, "My life is being poured out as a drink offering." I'm giving constantly.

You're going to be vulnerable in those relationships. Here's what I hear all the time: If I live that way, won't people take advantage of me? Here's the answer to that: Yes. Yes, they will, but that's okay. That's not your problem. That's their problem.

The Risk and Reward of Trust

I was with a guy who had been married a while and his wife left him. And he said, I'm never going to love like that again. I'm never going to give away this emotion and trust like I did there. Well, when you're living, when you're kind of half giving, you're never going to experience those highs.

Sandy and I have been married a year and a half. And so the thing that we get all the time is: how's that going? How's that working? And the answer is—and I always have a little trepidation because I can only give you my perspective. I pray it's hers as well. She says it is, but she's prone to lie, so I don't know if it's true or not. So I only give you mine.

My answer is it's going really well. And you know why? Every day it becomes easier and easier and easier. Here's the key to every relationship: to trust her. I trust her. So I don't need to hold anything back. Is she going to hurt me someday? I hope not intentionally. She might accidentally. But if I don't trust her, I'm never going to know the depth of that relationship. What it can possibly be. I love her more than I thought I could basically because I trust her more than I ever dreamt I would.

Being a Neighbor

You need to be friends. Here's the second thing: You need to be a neighbor. Look at Luke chapter 10, a story that's probably familiar to most of you, maybe even all of you. Luke chapter 10 verse 25. It's the story of the good Samaritan. "On one occasion, an expert of the law stood up to test Jesus. He said, 'Jesus, teacher, what should we do to inherit eternal life?'"

"'What is written?' Jesus replied. You've heard it said, 'Love your Lord, your God with all your heart, your soul, your mind, your strength. And love your neighbor as yourself.' You've answered correctly," Jesus said. "Do this and you will live."

Here's the problem. The man says, verse 29: "Well, who's my neighbor?" Here's my contention: Your neighbor is not necessarily somebody you share a property line with, but somebody with whom you share life. They may live in one end of town, you live in the other end of town, but you share a cubicle at work. You work out at the same place. Again, you can tell by looking—I haven't been at the gym recently.

But it was amazing. I mean, there was that comfort level there just because we saw each other.

Jesus tells the story now. He continues in verse 30: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho when he fell in the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going by on the same road. And when he saw the man, he passed to the other side."

This is a guy that should have stepped up. And then a Levite. When he came, he too passed to the other side. But now a Samaritan comes. This was that half-breed, half-Jewish, half-Assyrian—they hated each other. And he saw where the man was. He took pity on him.

Verse 34: "He went to him and bandaged his wounds, poured oil on them, wine, put the man on his donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. The next day, he took two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper and said, 'Look after him. And when I return, I'll reimburse you if there's any extra expense that you have.'"

"Which of these three men do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers? Now you go and you do likewise."

Building Community Through Routine

In this idea of relationship, there's this idea of community, of sharing life together. I'm big on routine—and more than routine, it may be a rut for me. But I think, for example, that you should go to the same coffee shop at the same time every day so that you have the same barista.

There's a restaurant in town that I used to go to all the time. And I would always, when I walked in, say, "You know, where is Cheryl? What's her station? Sit me there." And we developed just a relationship from life, just from spending time there. And all of a sudden, there's this friendship.

One day, I'm checking out, she's checking me out, and she didn't look very good. She looked like something was troubling her. And I said, "Are you okay?" And she said, "No, I'm not. My father died last night."

Well, I didn't know what to say. It seemed to me that a Bible verse wasn't what she needed at that moment. So I'm driving away, and I'm saying, "Boy, you know, you, pal, you didn't step up much there. What are you going to do?" And I went over to Fry's, and I got some flowers, and I went back like a doofus. Here's the flowers. And it changed our relationship.

God Places Your Neighbors

The neighbors are the people that God brings into your life. I'm a big sovereignty of God guy, okay? Now, you'd like to think anybody that's a Christian is, but I've learned that's not true. But I'm big on the sovereignty of God. My guys tend to isolate the sovereignty of God to the whole idea of salvation. So I believe God chooses, I believe God saves. But I also believe that God created you and placed you exactly where you are today.

He gave you that background. And some of it, you look back and you go, "This is just yucky stuff that He put me through." But He did it for a reason. He brought those neighbors next door to you.

The house next door to us has been empty. It was empty for three and a half years. Finally, some guy moved in. And I felt I needed to go meet him. So I went over, knocked on the door. I said, "I'm Tom, lived in a house just to the south." He said, "I'm Tom." So I should be able to remember that. And he said, "This is my wife, Helga."

I said, "Tom, I want to welcome you to the neighborhood. Do you have any kids?" And he said, "Nope." In fact, he said, "We live in Missouri. We'll only be here a week out of the month." I said, "Perfect. Do you have any pets that make noise?" He said, "No. We are quiet drunks." I said, "Welcome to the neighborhood. That's what our neighborhood needs—quiet people."

He said to me, "What do you do?" And I said, "Well, I teach Bible studies and some other stuff." He said, "What are you doing today?" That's what he meant. Once I heard that, he didn't want to hear any more. What are you doing today? I said, "My toilet in the master bedroom's not working." And he said, "Are you fixing it?" I said, "No, you don't understand me, Tom. I'm trying to ascertain the severity of the issue to know who to call."

About 15 minutes later, there's a knock on the door. I open the door, and there's Tom with his tool belt saying, "You want me to fix that toilet?" I'm saying a quiet neighbor with a tool belt—this is perfect.

The Paradox of Proximity and Relationship

Now, I have almost no relationship with Tom. Sandy, the other day, went out for a run and came back, and she said, "Did you see the pine? We have this giant pine tree in the front yard. It's huge. And we had some winds the other night. Did you see the pine needles?" And I said, "No, I didn't. The guys come today, they'll blow it." And she goes, "Not in our yard, in the neighbor's yard." I said, "No, no, no. His guy will come and blow it before he comes back from Missouri or something."

I don't have hardly any relationship with Tom at all. And we share the property line. But I have more relationship with a barista at Starbucks that I don't even know where he lives. See that? God brings these people into your sphere of influence. And He places you there so that you become salt and light in the midst of this.

Be a Friend: The Practical Benefits

It's really similar to the third thing in your outline, and that's to be a friend. Talk about the practical benefits, the emotional benefits, personal benefits. Let me give you these verses. Ecclesiastes chapter four, verse nine through 12—practical benefits.

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, a friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him. Also, if two lie down, they can keep warm. But how can one keep warm? And though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. And a cord of three strands is not easily broken.

There's a practical benefit to all of this. He said there's protection, there's warmth. In times of crisis, you have someone with you. You're not going it alone.

The Benefits of True Friendship

There's an emotional benefit. Proverbs chapter 17, verse 17: "A friend loves at all times. A brother is born for adversity." Let me string the second and the third together. The personal benefits. It's Proverbs 27, verse 17 and verse 6. You know this because every men's ministry has a t-shirt with it: "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." But Proverbs 27:6 says, "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."

There's something about loyal, constructive criticism. There's something about a friend who says, "I've got your back," and you don't have to wonder about either your back or the friend.

A Picture of Loyal Friendship

I did not, nor am I intrigued by the O.J. trial. I didn't watch 30 seconds of O.J. We just had the world's longest murder case down there with Jody, whatever her name is, where she killed the guy, but now we're trying to figure it out. I didn't watch 30 seconds of it. But there was a scene on television that I watched every minute, and what I didn't watch in person, I taped, and that was the Clarence Thomas hearings.

I became enthralled and mesmerized by Justice Thomas, and sitting behind him was Senator Danforth. They were buds, which I didn't know. Every minute that Thomas was there, Danforth was there. The end of those hearings was like at four o'clock in the morning our time, where nine ladies from Clarence Thomas's office testified that they hadn't seen anything that Anita Hill had seen.

I'm not taking sides on this. The illustration is not Justice Thomas and what happened. The illustration is really he and Senator Danforth. Then it was time to vote on this. I don't know what you were watching, but on my TV, it was split screen. On one side was Clarence Thomas's family in Pinpoint, Georgia. The other were some microphones set up outside of Clarence Thomas's condo.

He was confirmed, and his mom is standing up in Pinpoint, Georgia saying, "Praise Jesus." Then they're waiting for Clarence Thomas to come out, and out comes Clarence Thomas with his wife, and there's Senator Danforth. He was there every minute. Then what the reporters told us is, once he was confirmed, they went inside. You know what they did? They ordered pizza and smoked cigars.

Have you got a friend like that? Somebody that you will go to war with? Somebody who loves you so much that they will tell you the truth, and you don't question their motives? They're doing it for your benefit.

The Danger of Constant Criticism

See, our flinch is to be critical for the sake of being critical. One of our staff guys took six of our guys to a conference, and he did an assignment one day. He said, "I want each of the six of you to make 25 observations today. And at dinner tonight, we'll talk about it." So when they got back for dinner, they had 150 observations. Every one of them was a criticism.

He said, "I didn't tell you to have 25 critiques of the day. I said 25 observations. The lights were bright. The carpet was—what color is this? Beautiful. The carpet is used. The equipment is there." This is hugely practical. No relationship on earth can withstand a constant barrage of criticism. You can't do it. If every moment of every day, everything I say to Sandy is a criticism, or everything she says to me is a criticism, it's not going to survive.

Our day starts about the same every day. Her alarm goes off at 4:50. I don't have to set one. She'll roll over, and she'll say, "You look handsome." I'll say, "Well, sure." She'll say, "I love you," and I'll say, "I love you." We'll do a preview of the day. It starts the day on this whole incredible—here's a word I hate—trajectory. So that if Sandy says to me, "Hey, hey, pal, this isn't very good," that isn't coming out of left field and out of a vacuum. It's based on a relationship.

The Foundation for Truth-Telling

It's not to say that there isn't a place for criticism. Let me read it again: "Wounds from a friend can be trusted." I had a guy that came up to me one day after a Priority Living study, and he said to me, "Will you be my friend?" I said, "Sure, yeah, that's great." So about two weeks later, he came up and he said, "You're a crummy friend." I said, "I don't know what you mean." He said, "I mean, we haven't talked. I thought maybe we'd start to vacation together."

I said, "Whoa, my friend dance card at that level is full. What I thought you meant was if we go to lunch, you'll buy. That's what I thought you meant, my friend." He said, "No, I thought we'd start hanging out together."

See, I don't think you can have a bunch of these people in your life. If you have two, three, four people like that, where you can be—and I'm not silly. You're not going to be open and honest with everybody. Even with a friend, they don't know everything.

God's Perfect Knowledge and Love

That's what's amazing about God, by the way. He knows everything you've ever done, everything you've ever thought, everything you've ever said, everything you're going to do, say or think. You know what He says? "I love you anyway." There's never going to be this time where all of a sudden you do something and God says, "You know what? If I'd have known that about you..."

We hear that all the time. Here's a couple sitting in the office and they're getting along and one of them will say, "If I knew that about you, I would have never married you." God's never going to say, "If I knew that about you, I would have never brought you into the kingdom." But it's to find the best you can in a human context to be that friend.

Paul did four things to maintain friendships. Let me give them to you quickly.

One, he prayed for people. You see it through all of his letters: "I'm praying for you. We pray for you constantly."

Number two, he communicated with them. In that day and age, in writing. So it might be an email, it might be a text. I'm a big texter. Text is my favorite way to communicate because you can be brief, abrupt, even rude, and they cut you slack in the text. But it's communication. My son-in-law texted me this morning: "How are things going at the beach?" I said, "Great. Fourth of July was awesome. Parade was terrific. How are you doing?" So there's a communication.

Here's the third thing. He popped in, he visited unexpectedly. Sandy and I were doing a coaches conference for FCA a month ago or so. It was at 24th and Camelback, that's Central Phoenix. I have a friend who hired me as co-banker. We hardly talk all year long. On the second Friday of December each year, we meet at the same restaurant, Durant's, at 1:15. This year will be our 32nd year doing that. He had not met Sandy. So I said, "Hey, let's go by Wentworth's." We just pop in. No appointment or anything. Pop in, his son comes up. I said, "Is the old man back there?" And he said, "Yeah." I said, "Is he busy?" He said, "You know, just go back." And we go, and here's Jimmy. He said, "Come on, Sandy, I've heard so much about you. I want to meet you." The idea of popping in, staying in contact.

The last thing is, Paul was big on networking. Just what we saw a minute ago. Paul said, "I'm going to send somebody to you. His name is Timothy." I'm really big on this. We have a guy, he's a Young Life guy. His name is Marty Caldwell, and he's like the world's greatest Young Life guy. Marty's a friend of mine, and then my son-in-law, Tyler. So I'm having coffee with Marty. I know Marty called about something. I'm not sure what it was he wanted. We're having coffee, and I said, "Marty, you need to hang with my son-in-law, Tyler." Marty's traveling around the world and he didn't have time for this stuff. He's like, "I don't know." So I said to Tyler, "You need..." I said, "Well, I'm going to have him call you." And so I said to Tyler, "You need to call Marty." Well, this is a love connection. I knew it. You step back and you're putting people together. That's this idea of friends. You need friends.

The Importance of Being a Lover in Marriage

Here's the last thing. You need to be a lover. In the context I'm talking about now, this is marriage.

First of all, under this idea of being a lover is to understand that marriage is an honorable position. "Marriage should be honored by all" (Hebrews 13:4). It's amazing to me. When I was in high school and in college, we basically felt we didn't need marriage. We would say marriage is just what? A piece of paper. Now, the only people today that don't seem to feel that are the gay community, who seem to say, "No, this is really important." Here's what this is. This institution of marriage is important. Should be honored by all. It's a covenant. It's a vow.

My friend Larry Wright used to do a lot of marriage retreats with his wife Sue. Larry always had a session, and he would do it right before break when he would say this: "Sue and I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever get divorced." And then we'd take a break. People would go, "Are you with him?" And I'd say, "Yes." They'd go, "You better tell him not to say that." And I'd say, "Well, isn't that what he said when he got married? Better, worse, richer, poor, sickness, health." This is a covenant. This is a relationship. Sometimes that may be the only thing that's holding you together, is that you promised God.

Understanding the Covenant of Marriage

The vows themselves... I love to do funerals. I am, I say modestly, great at doing funerals. My weddings are not so hot. Primarily there's a lot of stuff going on and it's the bride's special day. There's all this... "Wait a minute. They're wasting all this money." Every one of them five years after takes the money instead of the... anyway, I get cynical.

But in the wedding, there's this point where I'll say, "Listen, we've met, we've talked, but let's be realistic here. These vows imply that there'll be problems. Better, worse, richer, poor, sickness, health. You're saying right now that you know those things are coming, though you don't fully understand them. Frankly, you think you're the exception." I've never married anybody where they said, "Oh, I think there'll be problems." But there is this idea here of an honorable institution that God's created.

Marriage Meets Practical Needs

The second thing, and sometimes people get a little bit upset about this, is that it meets a practical need. First Corinthians chapter seven, verse one. Paul said, "Now for the matter you wrote about, it is good for a man not to marry." You'd never know this if you came in the churches that we're in today. You'd never know this. Everybody in leadership is married. Paul says it's actually better if you're not married.

We have a tendency, and I'm sure it's not true at your church, but we have a tendency to look at those that aren't married and kind of think there's something odd about them. Get together and talk and say, "Well, you can see why they aren't married." Sandy deals a lot with young gals, and a lot of times there's this tension in marriage. I have two daughters, so I try to tell them, "Listen, other than Christ, the biggest decision you're going to make is this marriage."

Somebody sent me this the other day: "Madonna's 55, her boyfriend's 22. Tina Turner's 75, her boyfriend's 40. J-Lo's 42, her boyfriend's 26. Mariah Carey's 44, her husband's 32. Still single? Relax, your boyfriend hasn't been born yet."

So here's this context. Paul says it's better for you not to marry. Now, if that's the case, why are you getting married? You're going to get really quiet now. He said, but since there's so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, each wife her own husband, that the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. I would argue, and I've backed off subsequently because I've been in too many unnecessary arguments about it, I would say the chief reason to marry, but we'll say it's one of the top two or three, is sex. That's what he's saying.

Everybody comes along and says, "Oh, companionship." FYI, get a dog. But there's a sexual component to this. Sandy and I, though only married a short time, recently did this panel discussion on marriage, the two of us, about 100 people. The question was sex within a marriage. The question was posed to me: "Do you think you should have sex as often as you want it?" I said, "Well, is this a trick question?" He said, "Well, what is it?" I said, "Yeah, I would think so." And he said, "Well, that's not the way I meant it." Then they started to get into arbitrary things about how many times a day and all these different things.

Here's what I know. Sandy said it. Sandy said, "Listen, if there's a problem in the sexual area of your relationship, it's probably evident that there are problems in other areas of your relationship." In fact, here's what Paul says. He goes on and says the only reason to not be coming together physically is by mutual agreement for a time of prayer and fasting, but that better not be too long. Here's what he said: lest you provide Satan an opportunity to test you because you acknowledge when you get married that the main reason you're doing this is you can't keep your hands off each other. See how all that ties back together?

Sexual Intimacy and Practical Needs Change Over Time

As we get older, I get a bunch of questions. "Well, when do you think that changes?" I don't know, but at some time after 63 and a half, I know that. That's what he says. There's a practical need. Three guys, they're all in their late 80s, sitting on a porch. "What are you going to do this weekend?" "I don't know. What are you going to do this weekend?" "I don't know. What are you going to do this weekend?" "Well, I'm going to get married." "Wow. Is she a good person?" "I don't know." "Good cook?" "I don't know." "Fun to be with?" "I don't know." "Why are you marrying her?" "She can drive at night."

Now, as you get older, see, as you get older, these things become more and more important. I know at 87 the older you are, the more real that becomes. You're on that boat. "I don't think we should drive all the way to Portland. Stop in Beaverton or something." But there's that need.

Romantic Intimacy Is Imperative

This idea of romantic intimacy within a marriage is imperative. If that's not in place, I'm almost positive you got other problems, and you better get help. One of the things that, I don't do any marriage counseling. I used to do some, and I just wasn't very good at it, because I'd go, "All right, do we agree this is the problem? Yeah, that's what we're going to do." We don't need to meet again. That was kind of the way, so they needed more care than I could give it.

But I am stunned by the number of young men and women who will come in, and this question will come up, and they'll say, "We haven't been intimate in a year." I don't know what's normal, but I know that's not.

Marriage Solves Loneliness

Here's the last thing about it. It solves a prevalent problem. It's Genesis chapter two. The Lord said it's not good for man to be alone. "I'll make a helper for you." Why should I marry? Well, I think sex is a part of it, but it's also the desire for a deep relationship.

In an amazingly, and I know that I keep coming back to this, but I guess because I'm so grateful for it, in an amazingly short period of time, Sandy and I have entered into an extraordinarily deep relationship, and it's because we live life together. We text back and forth all day long, and I know it sounds stupid to even say it, and I know you're going, "Well, sure, you've only been married a year and a half. Give it two years. Let's see how that goes." I got it, but I'm saying I don't think that's going to change.

Summary: Be a Giver, Neighbor, Friend, and Lover

Here's what he's saying. In summary, I want you to be a giver, and a neighbor, and a friend, and in a marriage to be a lover.

How to Have and Be a Friend

If you don't have a friend, I'm going to give you a tip here. If you don't have a friend, then here's what you need to do, because I'll almost guarantee this: if you don't have a friend, something's wrong with you, because the whole world's out there looking for them.

I have a friend, and we have a mutual acquaintance, and we were talking about him the other day, and when he described him, I said, "That's perfect." He said, "After you're done talking with him, you feel like a car that's been left in the garage all night with the lights on." Is that you? This ID on the phone, so it'll come in, and it'll say the name, and then under it, I can go decline or accept. If the name comes up and you go decline, you get like one ring. If you're making a bunch of calls and get one ring and then voicemail, FYI, something's wrong with you.

If you want a friend, this is really simple. Make a list of all the things you want in a friend, and then be that. That's what you need. Are you trustworthy?

Warren Buffett on Success

I watched an interview the other day with Warren Buffett and Bill Gates, and I don't know much about Gates. You all up here, you're benefactors of his existence, I guess, and the question was, "What is success?" Gates had kind of a convoluted answer, and Melinda was part of it, and living in a small house was part of it, and all this stuff. They asked Buffett. Now, I'm not a, Buffett's living in the same house that he bought in 1947, and all of this kind of stuff, but he's doing fine. Here's what he said. He said, "If

At the end of your life, you have your family and a few people that love you, you're a success. How about that? In this world, you're not made to go it alone. You can't.

I'm a follower of Christ. You can't be a follower of Christ and be isolated from people, because you can't live the great commandment and the great commission. You have to have these people in your life.

Some of you, it's easy. My son-in-law, Tyler, he just thrives on relationships, meeting people. We'll be in the airport going somewhere, and he'll be off talking to some stranger, and I'm thinking, I just passed by 50 people I know. But that doesn't give me the privilege or an excuse to not be engaged in people's lives. Get that? I'm not asking you today to do it. I hope you do. But did we communicate clearly?

Spiritual Strategies For The Long Haul

Tonight, we're going to talk about spiritual strategies. What are those things I can do? I find this all the time, and to me it's fascinating. Somebody will come to Christ in repentance and faith, and we'll describe them as they are on fire. It's amazing to me that 10 or 15 years later, I'll run into them, still engaged, still followers of Christ, but that fire's gone out.

Doesn't it seem like it should be the other way around? Doesn't it seem like when I come to Christ in repentance and faith, there may be that moment where I'm going, "Yes, yes, I'm His." But I still don't know much. After 15 years of seeing all those things we talked about yesterday, shouldn't I be drawing even closer? We'll talk about spiritual strategies that'll carry you through the rest of your life. That's what we're going to talk about tonight.

Let me pray, and then Nemi will come close our time, and off we go for the afternoon.

Father, thank You for this awesome and amazing truth. God, we sense that we desperately need people. We aren't made to go this alone. God, let us find men and women with whom we can live life together. Put us in community, not just in our church, but in our neighborhood, at the gym, the golf course, at work. God, let us be hands and feet. Let us live this gospel in the lives of the people around us. We ask it in Christ's name, amen.