New Relational Strategies For A Changing World

Tom Shrader addresses the tension between American individualism and God's call to live in community. Drawing from examples in Philippians 2 of Paul, Timothy, and Epaphroditus, he outlines four relational strategies: being a giver who serves others without agenda, being a neighbor who shows mercy to those around us, being a friend who provides practical and emotional support, and being a lover who honors marriage. He emphasizes that while living vulnerably in relationships means risking being taken advantage of, this is the pathway to experiencing true biblical community.

“If you approach every relationship this way, with this spirit of humility, this spirit that says, listen, I'm not concerned about what I'm going to get out of this. I'm concerned about where God's brought you in my life and how I can serve you. It transforms relationships.”

— Tom Shrader

Series: How to Stay Afloat in a World Circling the Drain (2013)

Recorded: 2013 at Cannon Beach Conference Center

Duration: 55 min

Themes: relationships, community, service, friendship, marriage, vulnerability, individualism, giving, struggling with isolation, new to community, married couples, feeling disconnected, friend, neighbor, young adult, seeking deeper relationships

Scripture: Philippians 2:6, Philippians 2:19, Philippians 2:25, Luke 10:25, Luke 10:30, Ecclesiastes 4:9, Proverbs 17:17, Proverbs 27:6, Proverbs 27:17, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Corinthians 7:1-3, Genesis 2

Theological Themes: ecclesiology, biblical community, servant leadership, christian fellowship, covenant relationships, spiritual maturity, sacrificial love, discipleship

Full Transcript

I don't know if you noticed, Dave, but the band and us is that Patrick and Jeff both left. So they've trusted us. This is like going to the grown-ups table at Thanksgiving. This is a big deal that we're in here without their supervision. So this is exciting. So don't mess it up, speaking to myself.

If we were to summarize where we are, you just really sang it. We talked about anxiety and adversity. The idea is we're so grateful, He's so faithful. That's what we come back to really again and again. I ask Sandy every time that I finish, I ask her, how was that? So last night when I was done, I said, how was that? And she said, it was pretty dark. I mean, you've got guys blowing their brains out and you paint a dark picture. That is the world we live in.

Jeff and I were talking about it this morning, that's the struggle. As you get older, I think you become a little more cynical and maybe a little more jaded. Since there's really nothing new, Sandy and I were down in Coronado when we were out on a deck getting some sun and getting something to eat. This guy walked by and he looked at me really odd. I thought, oh my gosh, he thinks I'm Tom Cruise or something. Then he went over and he was talking to his wife and then the two of them were doing this. I thought, oh my God, he's going to want autographs. This is going to be awful.

An Unexpected Encounter

So he came over and he said, is your name Tom? And I said, yes. He said, we go to Arcadia. So we have, our church has six campuses. They're at our Arcadia campus. He said, I don't want to interrupt. I said, really? But you just did. I mean, I don't understand that. But he said, I don't want to interrupt or bother you. I just wanted to say hi. I said, come over. We'd like to meet you.

His name was Christoph. Her name was Shauna Kaiser, like the role. I'm working hard to remember their names because I know I'll see them again. They were this cool couple. They're living in downtown Phoenix in the urban area. When we say urban, they don't mean depressed urban area. They mean the hip urban area. He had on one of the old Seiko watches, the old digital ones, like the first ones. Everything old is new again. You start to see that for a while.

I find myself prefacing so many of my comments by saying, you know, I'm not a crotchety old man. But I've now said it enough that people are beginning to think I'm a crotchety old man. But you see those things. I don't ever want to paint a picture of darkness and hopelessness for those of us who know Christ. I hope you got that in the sense of even talking about how to deal with that. I don't mind at all painting the picture that the world is a dark place.

The Reality of Our Dark World

All you have to do is put, I have a USA Today app on my phone. I love the app because it gives you a lot of fast stuff quick. But there's never a week and rarely a day goes by that there isn't, there was a 99-year-old lady the other day beaten up, robbed and killed. You just see this stuff. You say, well, it's the presence of sin in this world. So we are grateful. He is faithful.

Then as Dave said, he dropped a bomb on you really. If you're an old church person, he dropped a bomb on you. That there's nothing you can do to make God love you more or nothing you can do to have God cause God to love you less. So it's not about your performance. He loves you.

The Performance Trap

My dad was a great guy, but he was not prone toward compliments. He just wasn't. I learned early on, baseball was my sport. It's hard to look at me, but I was an incredible athlete. That's not true. I went out for basketball, but they already had one, so that didn't work. Baseball was my sport.

I told the guys this morning, this is how big I was when I was 13, tall. So I was left-handed and played first base, and I was a good baseball player. But I noticed the ride home was very different if I went 0 for 4, then I went 3 for 4. I learned early on that I needed to perform, that it mattered.

Part of it is that generation. Those people that are 85 and 90, they didn't. I mean, I love you. That wasn't something they said. They couldn't read it off a card to you. My dad would say, I fed you and let you stay here. I would think that would show you some love.

I don't have any bitterness against my dad, I don't have it at all. I just was raised in an environment, and it seemed like even in school and everywhere, that performance is what defined relationship. Now I come to God and He said, you know what? It's not about that. I love you. I love you in spite of you, and I love you knowing that I know everything there is to know about you. That's why His love is so refreshing to us.

Grace and Response

That enters us into grace, and that gets into really scary territory because you start to go, wait a minute. If He can't love me more, He can't love me less. Can't I do whatever I want to do? Yes, but because He loves you, you want to reciprocate. If you love me, you'll keep my commandments. So that's what we've talked about in the two or three sessions we've had.

A New Direction: Relational Strategies

Today we turn a corner a little bit. You have an outline in front of you. The series is How to Stay Afloat in a World that's Circling the Drain, and today it's New Relational Strategies for a Changing World, and then you see me quoting Simon and Garfunkel. Now that's not cool or hip, but this series was originally developed in 1990, and I was going to make some appropriate changes. It's not because I'm lazy, though I am. It's not because I'm lazy that I didn't make the changes. I think there's something powerful about reading dated stuff but seeing it as fresh as today because the human condition doesn't really change.

So Simon and Garfunkel came along and they wrote a song, I Am a Rock. Let me read you some of the lyrics. It's dark.

I built walls and a fortress deep and mighty that none may penetrate. I have no friendship. Friendship causes pain. It's laughter and it's loving I disdain. I'm a rock, I'm an island. I have my books and my poetry to protect me. I'm a shield in my armor hiding in my room, safe within my room. I touch no one and no one touches me. I'm a rock, I'm an island. A rock feels no pain. An island never cries.

You live in this wonderful country, United States of America, that I believe strongly in—in terms of systems, free markets, capitalism, rugged individualism. So much so that my fear becomes we miss the fact that God has called us to live in community.

God's Call to Community

Think about it. Take the great commandment, the great commission. The great commandment: love God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, love your neighbor as yourself. I can't live that out if I'm not in community. The great commission, which I used to think was 5% on raw land and 6% on finished product, but the great commission is really go and make disciples. He left you here for a reason. God is going to, perhaps, touch the community you live in, the neighbor you live near, the gym where you go.

Some of this will overlap into a few things we talked about with the guys this morning, but I believe, and you've been taught clearly this week by Art before I ever got up here, I would reinforce it in the sovereignty of God. But not just the sovereignty of God for salvation, but God's sovereign. He puts you in this family you're in, in this relationship you're in.

So the lady said that they enjoyed Sandy's time, which you kind of got to say, right? I don't mean that. You just do. You're not going to say, "Boy, she was awful. Why did you bring her?" But you enjoyed Sandy's time. But here's what they said: I enjoyed her story. I enjoyed hearing about her journey, where God has brought her. It's a stunning story.

When I first met her, she'd been in our church for like five years, but we'd never really talked other than a hello or whatever. It's a long story, but I ended up with the two of us in a conversation. It was a first night afternoon coffee, end of the day coffee, that morphed into a five and a half hour conversation. I just asked her a lot of questions, and for whatever reason, she just told me her story and all of the details of it. She becomes this amazing display case for the work of God, but she's not unique. That's all of us.

The Problem with Rugged Individualism

So we live in this world that says, pull yourself up by your bootstraps. I'm listening to one of the radio talk show guys the other day, which is toxic in and of itself most of the time. He's saying, "Listen, pull yourself up by your own bootstraps." Well, there are a whole bunch of people in this country who don't have bootstraps to pull themselves up by. But we come along and we help and we live together.

Some of the things we've seen through the 80s and 90s, and I think now, there are four things there: people built stronger networks. So on your iPhone, you've got contacts, and it goes on and on and on. You have a birthday party, and there's more people than you ever dreamt of. I have on Facebook something like 3,000 friends, and 2,995 of them, I don't know who they are.

That's part of the problem we have now with friendship—friendship has become... I was complaining, because there's a lot of people on there that are starting to drive me nuts. So Sandy said, "Well, just unfriend them." I said, "Wow, is it that easy?" I mean, this is how this has become. You're my friend, I don't know you, you're useful. Oh, I'm done, you're unfriended.

Closer Together but Further Apart

So you've got Christmas cards stacked this high, but your relationships are weak. Houses are closer together down in our place. I don't know what they're like here, but in Phoenix, if your house is here and the other house is there, that's a big lot. We go in, and we have these things now.

I did a commencement address at a high school graduation this year. I said, "You know, things are different now. When I was in high school, Nike was a Greek goddess. We didn't have the most common things. Like, we didn't have a microwave. We had a garage door opener, but it went like this: 'Hey, Tom, get your butt out and open the garage door.' That's how that worked. We didn't press buttons, we didn't have that."

But now I can come by—that's the way it was. Now I come by, and about four houses away, I push a button, my door goes up, I get in, I push a button, it goes down, and I don't have to see anybody. So we're closer together, but neighbors are further apart. Economics are at an all-time high, friendships at an all-time low, mergers are on the rise, but marriages decline. That's kind of the situation we're in.

Time for Retraining

So I want to talk about time for retraining in the 90s and the 2000s and the 2012s and forever. I want to talk about being a giver, being a neighbor, being a friend, and being a lover. We'll start with being a giver. If you have Bibles, you can open them to Philippians 2. That's where we're going to end up. With three examples: one of Paul, one of Timothy, one of Epaphroditus.

Of Paul, I'll read to you this. I did not put the Scripture references on there, so let me give them to you, because some of you will be driving me crazy afterwards wanting them, and let's avoid that. Philippians 2, verse 6 is for Paul.

Paul says, "As apostles of Christ, we could have been a burden to you, but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel, but our lives as well."

Here's what He's saying: we came to serve you, and we could have been a burden to you financially, but we chose not to be. We chose to come among you, and not take from you, but to be a giver to you. You see Paul, in His ministry, regularly doing this. Going into a city, and having every right to ask the church there...

to support him, but saying, no. I'm going to value you, and my serving you, over any sort of agenda. I mentioned last night, I never took a salary from the church, and there were a bunch of reasons for that, but one of them, I had this super disdain for the idea that somehow I was serving at the church for the money. I never needed the job. I was a commercial real estate guy, and my first year in full-time ministry, and by that I mean full-time paid ministry. I hate it when somebody says, you're in the full-time ministry. Everybody who's a Christian is in full-time ministry. Some just get paid for it. The first year that I was teaching the studies, and making my living, my salary was less than I paid in taxes the year before. So it wasn't a financial thing, but I wanted to take that away, because people are skeptical of that. They're always looking for the other shoe to drop.

The Problem of Mixed Motives in Ministry

My life changed radically several months ago. I made the move from cable TV to direct TV, and I'm a TV guy, and now I have 400 channels, but there's a little section in there, begins in 363 and runs to 377, that are the religious channels. There's a church channel, and the non-church channel, and Daystar, and TBN, and I don't even know what all these channels are. They're guys running all day, and it feels like many of them have money as a driver.

There's a setup they have. Let's say from 7 to 7:30, but by 7:20, they're done with whatever teaching there was going to be, and there's jet fuel to buy. One of the guys the other day said, I need, and I'm not making this up, a new jet. And that's bold. Here's why: My jet doesn't have the capacity to go from the United States to Africa, and God's called me to go to Africa. I'm thinking, American Airlines does that, Delta does that, but I'm suspicious.

Paul's saying, listen, here's the example: I'm not in it for the dough. I'll get these calls all the time. Tom, can we have coffee? Yes. I don't have an agenda, they'll say. Really? You just randomly picked me out of the phone book, and called, and you want to have coffee, and you want something. See, that's what we're always looking at. In a relationship, I kind of enter into it, wondering, what am I going to get out of it? Can you get me tickets to the game that's sold out, or the concert? Paul says, listen, I'm a giver, and we loved you so much, that we were delighted, not just to share with you the gospel, but our whole lives. We were to present ourselves, and the best we could to serve you.

The Example of Timothy's Genuine Care

Then there's the example of Timothy. You're there in Philippians chapter 2. I mentioned this this morning. This is one of those, to me, revolutionary passages. Paul's writing to the church at Philippi, and they have sent a guy from Philippi, who's brought a gift to Paul, and Paul's going to send that guy back. But in the interim, Paul said, let them know some stuff about you.

It's not like now, where you pull up your phone, and you start punching buttons, and my kids, Haley, is at home. The boys are in school. So she FaceTimes me yesterday, and there's Lucy and Harmony, and they're jumping in and out of a box, and there's that connection. Paul doesn't have that. So He said, I'm going to send a guy to you, and He's a special guy, and I don't have anyone else like him.

That's one of those that kind of grabs your attention. I remember the first time I read it, I thought, wow, this is big. I don't want to use a name, because the minute I use a name, they'll go, I don't like that guy. So there's a guy, a guy you respect, and He says, I'm going to send a new pastor to you, and I don't have anybody else like him. What's your brain go? Well, you go, boy, I bet this guy can preach. I'll bet He can lead.

Paul says, I got nobody like him. Philippians 2, verse 19, "I hope in the Lord to send Timothy to you soon that I also may be cheered up when I receive news about you. I have no one else like him who takes a genuine interest in your welfare." That's what separates him from everybody else. In fact, He goes on, He says, "Everyone else looks out for their own interest, not for those of Christ. But you know Timothy, He's proven himself, because as a son with a father, He has served me in the work of the gospel," and I hope to send him to you.

The Power of Humility in Relationships

Think about that quality, and it comes in that chapter in Philippians 2, where Paul has said, have the mind in you that's also in Christ Jesus. He describes Himself as the humble servant, and He's talking about humility. We talk a lot about love. I'm a love guy, but humility is that characteristic that's so rare and yet essential in every relationship.

You're never going to have the marriage that you could have unless you approach it in a spirit of humility. I try the best I can. I try to approach things that deal with Sandy and say what's best for her, because ultimately it will be best for me. If you approach every relationship this way, with this spirit of humility, this spirit that says, listen, I'm not concerned about what I'm going to get out of this. I'm concerned about where God's brought you in my life and how I can serve you. It transforms relationships.

The Example of Epaphroditus

Let me give you one more and then talk exactly about what's going on in your mind. It's Philippians 2, verse 25. Paul says, "But I think it's necessary to send back to you Epaphroditus, my brother, my fellow worker, fellow soldier, who is also your messenger, whom you sent to take care of my needs, for He longs for all of you and is distressed because you heard He was ill."

The church at Philippi had sent Epaphroditus with a gift to Paul and He arrived and then He got sick. Paul says, Epaphroditus is sick because you're worried about him being sick and I want you to experience him again. Therefore, He says, verse

Learning Through Relationship

I am all the more eager to send him to you so that when you see him again, you may be glad and have less anxiety. Welcome him with great joy.

Paul writes at the end of Philippians, chapter 4, verse 9: "The things which you learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things." Paul said you learned him, you saw him, you received him. There's this time together.

I'm like the old Rockford Files. You ever watch Rockford? I love Rockford Files. Watch them now. Every Rockford File would be radically changed if Jimmy had a cell phone. If you watch the Rockford Files and now you're five minutes in and you go, man, if he could just call Rocky, everything would be okay.

Well, Jimmy has in his car this machine where he prints cards, right? Calling cards. There'll be Jim this and Bob this. Well, I have these cards. I have a card that just says Tom Schrader with an address. I have some old lead pastor cards and senior pastor cards and cards from Priority Living. So I get access to all sorts of things.

The Reality About People in Ministry

The business guys welcome me in. They go, you're one of us, which is interesting because I haven't done a deal since '78. But I get to these senior pastors and they're an odd group of people. When you're not around, they'll say things like this: "I'd love my job if it wasn't for what? The people."

I want to say, "You idiot, your job is people." That's like a mailman saying, "I'd love my job if I didn't have to walk." Well, you have to walk. We are about people.

Now, here's what should rise up in you: "If I live this way, aren't people going to take advantage of me?" The answer to that is yes, they will. Absolutely. But that doesn't matter. We're grateful. He's faithful. He'll protect. It's to yield. It's to give. It's to be vulnerable.

The Risk of Love

I'm with a guy a while ago who went through a divorce. He said to me, "I may get married again, but I'll never love like that again." I said, "That's kind of sad, because if you're not willing to risk that love, you'll never experience that kind of love."

Sandy and I have been married 15 months, and I said to her the other day—I don't remember the context—but I said, "I am so vulnerable with you. I mean, I love you so much, and I tell you so much that you could rip my heart out in a second if you wanted to." Now, we're hoping you don't. That's not a goal or a prayer request. But unless you're vulnerable like that, you're never going to experience the joy of that relationship.

So in this life, you need to be a giver.

Being a Neighbor

Here's the second thing: you need to be a neighbor. I'm not going to spend a ton of time on this, because this, along with friendship, kind of fold together.

Luke chapter 10, verse 25: "On one occasion, an expert of the law stood to test Jesus. 'Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?' He said, 'What is written?' He said, 'Well, you've read it. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself.' 'You've answered correctly. Now go and do this.'" It's to be a lover to our neighbor.

Well, it raises a problem. Verse 29: "And he said, 'Who's my neighbor?'" Now I think we answer this now a little differently than perhaps in the old days, because it's not necessarily defined geographically anymore. It's defined more relationally to me. So I would say to you that the guy or gal that's in the cubicle next to you at work may be more of a neighbor to you than the guy who has the house next door. You spend 8, 9, 10, 11 hours with them.

The Good Samaritan Example

Well, how are we supposed to live? The practice He lays out—you know it. It's in Luke chapter 10, verse 30: "A man was on his way from Jerusalem to Jericho. He fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him, went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened by, went to the other side of the road. A Levite, holy man, other side of the road. A Samaritan, a half-breed, half Jew, half Assyrian, traveled by. He came upon the man. He saw him. He took pity on him."

Verse 34: "He went to him, bandaged the wounds, pouring oil and wine on him. Then he put the man on his donkey, took him to an inn, and he said, 'Take care of him.' The next day he took out two silver coins, gave it to the innkeeper. He said, 'Look after him. When I return, I'll reimburse you for any extra expense.'"

Jesus says, "Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell to the robbers?" And they said, "Well, obviously the one who had mercy on him." And He says, "Go and do likewise."

Building Relationships Through Routine

God has called you into a right relationship with Him, and He's placed you in this relational part. It may be the guy... I'm big on routine. So I encourage you to go and get coffee at the same place and the same time every day, because chances are you're going to see the same barista every day. Over a period of time, you're going to build—it may be superficial. It may be a caramel macchiato and "here's your change" relationship, but you're going to be there. Go to the same restaurant.

There's a place by our house, and I used to go there two, three times a week for breakfast. I would always say, they'd say, "How many?" And I'd say, "Well, I want a table in Jen's section." So I had the same server every time. Pretty soon, after a period of time, we started to talk and know each other.

I'm in there one day, and she does not look good. I said, "Are you okay?" "No, not really." She started to talk. I said, "Well, can we order first?" "No." She started talking. She said, "My dad died last night. He's in North Carolina." I said, "Was he sick?" She said, "No. I didn't know what to do." She had a Bible verse tattooed on her arm. So I went down to the grocery store and came back with some flowers.

It changed my relationship with her. She doesn't work there anymore and moved back home, and I've lost track of her. But it changed the relationship because of proximity, because of sensitivity to...

the people around you. There was a pub up by our house that I used to go to. It's like the Cheers where they knew your name. I'm in there one night, and I got to know the people that worked there pretty well. There was one girl who was there, and we're talking. There's nobody else in it. She had what I thought was a new tattoo, and I said, tell me about that. She describes it, and we talk about different things. I said, where do you live? She said, I live here in Gilbert, but I'm moving. I said, why are you moving? She said, because Gilbert is filled with conservative Republican Christians. That was her answer.

I said, well, that's me. Then she said what might be the nicest thing in the world that anybody's ever said to me other than something that Sandy said. She said, oh, that's not you. You're not that. She had this picture of what a conservative Christian would look like, and she said, that can't be you. That opened all sorts of discussion.

I'm in there one night, and the place is jammed, and I'm sitting with some friends, and she came over, and she said, can you come with me for a second? I said, yeah, I guess. I came over, and she said, I want you to meet my mother. She's visiting from California. I said, hi, I'm Tom. She said, I've heard so much about you. I've had no meaningful conversation with her beyond this, but over the course of years, the girls in particular from the restaurant, one of the girls at the bar, went to our church, began to show up at church. That's being a neighbor.

Be a Friend

Here's the third thing: Be a friend. Ecclesiastes 4:9 says, "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. Pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up. Also, if two lie down together, they can keep warm. How can you keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord is three strands. It's not quickly broken."

Here's the practical benefits of it. When you're hurting, there's someone there for you. I'm probably weird in the stuff that interests me. We had a big trial - Jodi Arias. You guys saw that trial went on for four and a half years or something. She stabbed her boyfriend 27 times and then shot him five times, but she was trying to plead not guilty, though she said she did it. I mean, it was a long trial. It went on a long time. I didn't watch 30 seconds of that. OJ's trial, I didn't watch 30 seconds of it. Stuff like that doesn't interest me.

But there was one thing that captivated me years ago, and it was the Clarence Thomas hearings. I started to watch them and became interested in the hearings themselves and in what was being said, but I became fascinated by Judge Danforth, now Senator Danforth that was there, his friend. I watched every minute of those. The last night was a Sunday night, and I had to go to church and preach and tape it, and I watched it all the way into 4, 5, 6 o'clock in the morning. There's Clarence Thomas, and there's Judge Danforth.

Then it was time to go and vote. He was voted onto the Supreme Court, and they had a split screen. He was from Pinpoint, Georgia, and they had a split screen of Pinpoint, Georgia, and of his condo in Washington. When he was passed and appointed to the Supreme Court, there was this joy of the family gathered together in Pinpoint. One of the ladies was yelling, "Praise Jesus, praise Jesus." It was a great moment. Then Clarence Thomas came out, and with him was his wife, and there's Judge Danforth again. Afterwards, they wrote about it. They said once he was elected onto the Supreme Court, they ordered pizza and spent the night eating pizza and smoking cigars and talking. I thought, that's a friend.

The Nature of True Friendship

The problem with any of these illustrations is they get all political, and you miss the point. Forget the politics. Listen, one of the two of them is not telling the truth. I don't know. All I know is when he says this is an electronic lynching, he's getting brutalized in this, and there's his buddy standing right by him. Come hell or high water. That's a friend. That's the practical benefit of it. When you're in trouble, there's somebody to call.

Then there's an emotional benefit. Proverbs 17:17: "A friend loves at all times. A brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 27:6: "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy." There's an emotional benefit. In the midst of adversity, there's that person who comes along who says, listen, I'm with you.

Then there's a personal benefit. Proverbs 27:17: "As iron sharpens iron, so one sharpens another." We read it: "Wounds of a friend can be trusted, but an enemy has multiple kisses." It's not just constructive criticism. I don't know about you. I know about me. I tend to be a very critical person. My observation is most people, though they don't like to admit it, are critical.

So when Patrick, I think the other night, or maybe Kevin, said we have these evaluation forms in the back. Would you evaluate them and drop them off, and we'll give you a free drink, like you need more to drink and eat. Most of those observations are going to be criticisms. I had one of our staff guys take five guys to a conference, and they would meet in the morning to kick the day off and summarize at the end. As an exercise, he said to the five guys, I want you to give me 25 observations of the day, today, the conference. They got together that night, and there were 125 criticisms. He didn't say give me a critique. It could have been "the screen is clear." There's a place for constructive criticism, but that's based on trust.

Question today, so my assumption is several of you flinched with it, which is good, because that's why I say stuff like that. But I said I'm not big on accountability. I don't mean I don't want to be held accountable. I think that there's this wave that went through, probably out of promise keepers, where all these guys were artificially going to get together with this list of eight questions. Did you look at pornography this week? Were you unfaithful to your wife? Did you do this? And then the last one, did you lie to me? Well, if I lied about those, I can lie about that.

Accountability, it turned out that accountability was you holding me accountable to your agenda for my life. That's really not, to me, accountability. I don't need an accountability group. I need a friend. That's what this is about, friendship.

True Friendship Includes Honest Feedback

And it's not just constructive criticism, but I'm fine with that. When I said to Sandy last night, how was that lesson, and she said it was dark, that immediately, in my mind, formulated how I needed to start today and go back and clean that up. But sometimes you need somebody to say, you know what, you really do this well.

I told the guys this story this morning. We have a guy on our staff who cannot preach and teach. He stinks. I don't know what you think of me, but I'm a 20 compared to this guy. He's awful. And so in our group, we have a lot of young guys, guys that aspire to teach, and they want input. I'm not good at it. I don't know how to.

So we have, man, you better get ready. You better have thick skin because when you're done, they're going to come in and they're going to say, well, hey, let's critique this. And they're going to be honest with it. And so he's getting killed. It's honest, but he's getting killed.

And so we're out of time. And I said, hey, what do you think about that? And he said, I know it wasn't very good. But here was his solution. If I preach more, I'll get better. And I said, if you preach more, we're going to have to sell the property because there ain't nobody left here. You're no good. I mean, you're no good.

And that sounds harsh, but there's a context there. See, by the way, a friendship requires trust.

Trust Is The Foundation of Real Friendship

One day, this was years ago, I have a husband and wife, and I used to do counseling. I don't do much counseling. I'm not a very good counselor. Is this the problem? Yeah, here's what we do to fix it. That's five minutes. We don't need much more time, I don't think. I know it's more than that. I'm just not good at it.

So I end up with this couple, and this gal is going on and on and on and on. And, you know, I wanted to go, you married him, didn't you? I mean, you picked him. I did that one time because I used to go, tell me about how you met. You didn't just wake up and you were married.

And I had this one couple say, that's exactly what happened. We were in Vegas. I learned not to. But usually at the beginning there was something good at the beginning.

So she said, here's what he said to me this morning. And she went, bing, bing, bing, bing. And I went, oh, my gosh. That's exactly what I had said that morning to my wife. And I thought, how is it they're here in counseling and I'm not? And it's because there has to be a trust.

A friendship is based on trust. So if I come in and I say something to Sandy and it's not right, her flinch is going to be, you know, he's just having a bad day. We're going to have to let that one go. Or she's going to go, hey, pal, let's review that statement. But the relationship is strong enough based on trust that you can be that. You need that.

Friends Balance Truth With Encouragement

So I come along to that guy. I want to come back to him. And his guys are around. And he knows. It breaks his heart because he wants to teach. He can't. It would be like me. I'd love to lead worship. But that wouldn't be a very pleasant experience for anybody. I can't sing. I don't play an instrument.

But we come along and say, you can't teach. But in that context, we say, but let me tell you what you do well. Sometimes as a friend, that's what you need to tell people. You're an amazing, here you go, if you're a mom, you're a stay-at-home mom, you've got nobody telling you you're doing well.

Well, Sarah's got four girls. So Gracie's six, Reagan's five, and Brooklyn's two and a half, and McKinley's three months. Well, Gracie's six but has never spoken. Sarah's not getting a lot of strokes. Haley has boys seven and now six. Gail was six last week. And then Lucy's two and a half and Harmony's one and a quarter. So she's got two kids in diapers that are home all day.

You never, there you go, she changes diapers all day long. And this is exactly how it goes. She'll change a diaper and that kid will go away and she'll go over and she'll be changing this other diaper and she'll hear from over in the corner and she goes back and forth. And here's what never, not one time, not one time has one of those kids got up and said, wow, mom, look at that. Nothing's getting out of there. Thanks, mom. Great job.

A mom to me has the hardest job from just that alone. It's so hard and you get no strokes. You get no thank you. I remember coming home and Susan would say, all I've heard all day long is mom, mom, mom, and all I've said all day is no, no, no. I'm dying to talk to an adult. Talk to me. And I said, what's for dinner? But that, I mean, that was her life. That was the life she had.

In this context, in this context of friendship and accountability, it's not just you stink at this, it's you do that well. And that's what I said to him. I said, listen, you're just not a very good teacher. It doesn't even matter why. You're not, but here's what you do well, and you can make a contribution to our team in that role. Outside of that role, it ain't going to work.

Be a Good Lover in Marriage

Here's the last point, is to be a good lover. This is in the context of marriage. Hebrews 13.4 says marriage should be honored by all. When I was in college, we looked at marriage with disdain, and we said, after all,

Marriage as Covenant, Not Just Paper

Marriage is just what? A piece of paper. Well, the gay community doesn't view it that way. It's to be honored for the institution that it is. It's not just a piece of paper. It's a covenant. It's a promise. And sometimes that's all that's going to keep you together.

I've said to you, I don't like those things. I do like when we get to the vows: for better or worse, rich or poor, sickness, health, until death do you part. I love to say, do you hear that? And you're not the exception. Rich or poor, sickness, health. The vows anticipate difficulty and hardship.

This idea of being a lover in the context of marriage is to honor the position. It also meets a practical need.

The Primary Purpose of Marriage

1 Corinthians 7, verses 1 through 3: "Now for the matters you wrote about, it is good for a man not to marry. But since there's so much immorality, each should have his own wife, each wife her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duties to the wife, and likewise the wife to the husband."

Now I've tempered this statement over the years because I got such a pushback. So if you want to push back on it, I've already heard the arguments, and you don't need to do that. I'd rather have you email me than stop me downtown to talk about it. But I would argue, and I think you could argue, that the primary reason to marry is sex.

Oh, what about companionship? Get a dog. Better yet, get a goldfish because they die way before you get tired of them. So there's a companionship element to it. I'm not denying the companionship, but Paul's saying it's better not to be married. So think about that. So He's saying singleness is better than marriage. Why? Well, because I'm free to serve. Well, because there's immorality. Listen, that's the way it is. He's just saying for most people, the urgent need for sex and satisfaction there is going to require a partner, and that relationship needs to take place in the context of marriage.

The Problem of Sexless Marriages

Now, I will tell you one of the things that I see that's incredibly alarming. I see sexually active singles and celibate married couples. We have these couples that will come in, and she's like a pen, and he's this rock-hard, it's like looking in the mirror for me, he's this rock-hard body guy, and they'll sit down, and they'll start to talk, and they'll say we haven't had sex in like a year. Really?

What Paul says is it's better to come together and to have sex. He said it's okay if by mutual agreement for a time, so it's mutually agreed upon, for a time for prayer and fasting. But then you come back together, and He said here's why: lest you give Satan an opportunity. Because you've acknowledged at the beginning of the relationship that the reason you're getting married has a sexual component to it.

And I will tell you, Sandy and I did a panel. It seems so odd that we're married 15 months, and four or five months ago we did a panel on marriage, and Sandy was making the point, and I think it's a great point. If you're having problems, especially in the absence of sex in the relationship, it almost guarantees that there are other problems in the relationship.

Marriage as Helper and Friend

So all of a sudden, I'm this lover that meets this practical need, and it solves a prevalent problem. It's Genesis 2. The Lord said it's not good for man to be alone. I'll make him a helper. I'll make him a friend. There is that sense in which that spouse becomes this helper, rounds you out.

Sandy and I are so different in so many different ways, but we think alike as we look at world views. And one of the things that's been helpful to me is, for 20-however many years, I'm fairly high profile in our community, and it's Tom this and Tom that. It's been cool for me to come alongside Sandy and help Sandy now to get ready to launch two or three ministries that she's working in and teaching. And hopefully she's a better person, but a better teacher because of that.

And so it's not just Sandy facilitating me. It's me facilitating Sandy and His companionship and His friendship.

The Importance of Cross-Generational Friendship

So let me close. We've got to go. You've got lunch to eat and carnivals to go to, but this friendship is really important. And I would suggest to you that you need men and women, men with men, women with women. You need friends that are older than you. It's going to be hard for some of you. Older than you and younger than you.

So I've got a lot of young friends. We have a birthday party. When we get back, 6 o'clock, we arrive at 5:51. And so everybody in my family will be at that birthday party. So I said to Sandy, I don't know what we're going to do. I hate taking a cab. And she said, call Eugene. Eugene is a young man, happens to be African American. He writes for our local newspaper. He has become a friend.

Building Relationships Across Generations

He and I spend a lot of time together. It would be interesting to debrief Martin Luther King in the speech, but we spend time talking about race issues and J.D. I'm a little intrigued by Jay-Z and Beyoncé, and he tries to explain to me some of that, gives me stuff to read. We talk about politics. We talk about life. He'll send me emails.

I've had four emails while I've been here from young guys under 30 saying, I know you're out of town. When you get back, can we meet? You need that. You need to have those younger guys around you that you can come alongside, and every sentence starts with, I know I'm the old man, but.

So a guy like Tristan, you've got a 17-year-old that's where this cat is right now. Somebody, and I presume it's these guys here, needs to grab hold of him and pour into His life, because this guy's got a ton to offer to the body of Christ.

Learning from Older Men

But you need old guys too. I used to do a Bible study, and in it were two men who landed on D-Day in Normandy. And we would meet, and they would open up to me the sacrifice that was made in World War II. And they would talk, because they were both hard guys, hard drinking, hard charging, smoking guys. And then God saved them. And they would talk about, here's what I did...

With my kids, and it was wrong. You need that friendship in your life.

So they put that all together, is that you need a relational profile in your life to be a friend and to be a lover, to come alongside and be a neighbor, to be a giver. Tonight, last night together, we're going to talk about spiritual strategies. We're going to pull that together.

Closing Prayer

So let me pray as Dave comes and closes our time, the band comes. Father, thank You for these awesome truths, for using them in our lives. You made us for relationship. And that's messy and sloppy, and it's costly, and it demands us yielding. And it means that we'll be disappointed and taken advantage of. But that's okay, because we look to You to fulfill our needs ultimately.

God, thank You for the people You put in our life. Make us sensitive to those around us. Use us, we pray in Christ's name. Amen.