The Definition of Love, Part 2

Tom Shrader continues his exposition of 1 Corinthians 13, focusing on verses 5 and 6 and the negative characteristics that genuine agape love refuses to embrace. He walks through love's rejection of rudeness, self-seeking, uncontrolled anger, and keeping a record of wrongs, arguing that most relational conflict dissolves when believers stop scoring offenses against one another. Grounding forgiveness in Ephesians 4 and the reality of how much God has already forgiven each believer, Shrader calls the congregation to pursue a supernaturally produced love that does not celebrate gossip or unrighteousness but rejoices instead in biblical truth.

“You want to become a great forgiver? All you have to do, Paul says, is understand how much forgiveness you've already received.”

— Tom Shrader

Series: The Definition of Love

Recorded: 2001 at East Valley Bible Church

Duration: 35 min

Themes: love, forgiveness, anger, conflict, relationships, bitterness, kindness, gossip, struggling with anger, navigating conflict, holding grudges, husband, wife, dealing with offense, new believer, young adult

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:1-7, 1 Corinthians 4:18, 1 Corinthians 5:11, Romans 4:8, Romans 12:18, 2 Corinthians 5:19, Acts 3:19, Ephesians 4:1, Ephesians 4:29, Ephesians 4:31-32, Isaiah 5:20, Matthew 18, Matthew 20:28

Theological Themes: agape love, sanctification, 1 corinthians 13, biblical forgiveness, ephesians 4, fruit of the spirit, unconditional love, scripture exposition

Full Transcript

Introduction: The Supremacy of Love

We are in 1 Corinthians chapter 13, the love chapter. When Paul talks about love here, he is not talking about the erotic love we feel, or the brotherly love and friendship we experience, but an unconditional love — a concept that is really foreign to us. The chapter divides easily: verses 1 through 3 address the necessity of love, verses 4 through 7 address the definition of love, and verses 8 through 13 address the permanence of love.

In those first three verses, Paul says that regardless of your gifts, no matter what they may be, if you don't have love, you are nothing. In verse 3 he says, "If I give all my possessions to feed the poor" — and the word "give" there is important; it means to systematically divest oneself of possessions, not to be swept away in some emotional response, but to consciously and deliberately give away all that one has. If I do that, and give my body even to be burned, to be martyred, but I don't have love, it is of no benefit. Paul is not in any way diminishing gifts here. He is talking about the superiority, the supremacy of love.

When Paul talks about love, he is talking about self-sacrificing, selfless love — the love that Christ modeled for us on the cross. Now Paul begins to define that love for us in verses 4 through 7.

Review of Last Week: Patience and Kindness

Let's read the passage we'll be working through. Paul says this: "Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous and does not brag, is not arrogant. Love does not act unbecomingly, it does not seek its own, it is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices in truth. Love bears all things, love believes all things, love hopes all things and love endures all things." That is Paul's definition of love.

Last week we looked at verse 4. Love is patient — long-suffering — and it is active. That idea of patience deals primarily with people, not circumstances. Paul is saying that people who truly love in this supernatural, agape way accept inconvenience and accept being taken advantage of. Not only are they patient, but love is kind — useful for serving. The phrase we used last week was that it is sweet to all, courteous and pleasant to all people. We said the best test of whether you are a kind person is not out in the marketplace but at home, with the ones with whom you are most comfortable.

After those two positive attributes, Paul turns to the negative form. Love is not jealous — and jealousy means strong desire, which comes in two ways. The first is the way we typically think of it: I want what you have. But something far more hideous is the second form: it's not that I want what you have, I just wish you didn't have it. Love does not brag — a word that appears only this once in the entire New Testament. It doesn't puff itself up or try to lift oneself up in another's eyes, thereby putting the other person in a lower position, and if need be, putting them down. It may even be that the bragging is done with the intent of making others jealous.

Love is also not arrogant — meaning overbearing or haughty, a synonym for proud. This was a specific problem for the people in Corinth. In 1 Corinthians 4:18, Paul had said, "Now some of you have become arrogant." The person who most modeled the opposite of this — who modeled humility for us, humanly speaking, not Christ but John the Baptist — did so when he said of Christ, "He must increase and I must decrease." That is the opposite of the arrogance Paul says must not be in our hearts if we are truly lovers.

Love Does Not Act Unbecomingly

Today we look at verse 5, and it begins with this: love does not act unbecomingly. It means poor manners — love doesn't act rudely. It seems to me, and this is something of a personal concern, that rudeness and poor manners have reached epidemic proportions in the world in which we live. I cannot think of the last time I made a purchase and somebody said "thank you" to me. What I hear instead is, "Have a good one." That's it. You buy something and that's what you get — "Have a good one." I'm looking for "thank you." Just common courtesy.

At the bookstore — and this is not something that happens once in a while, or some of the time, or even most of the time, but every time I'm there — I will be standing looking at a shelf of books, and somebody will walk directly between me and the shelf. Now, I understand it is sometimes unavoidable. I do it myself. I'll be walking down an aisle, see someone there, try to go around, but sometimes there's no other way through. What I cannot understand is going between someone and a shelf without saying "excuse me." It got to me this past summer — it was probably the heat — but I was in Borders and it happened so often that finally, when a man walked right between me and the shelf, I said out loud, in a voice he could apparently hear, "Am I invisible?"

Just the other day I was walking through a hotel with my arms absolutely full, and a man ahead of me saw me coming, looked me right in the eye, and did not hold the door. I cannot fathom that. Last Friday I went to the football game —

Love Does Not Act Unbecomingly

Many Christians have forfeited the opportunity for witnessing by rudeness to an unbeliever who offends them by a habit that Christians consider improper. Love is much more than being gracious and considerate, but it is never less. To the extent that our living is ungracious and inconsiderate, it is also unloving and unchristian. Self-righteous rudeness by Christians can turn people away from Christ before they have even had a chance to hear the gospel. Love does not do that.

I was reminded of this recently at a football game. I had not been to a game in a long time, but a friend offered loge seats and a parking pass right across the street, so I thought it would be fine. Before the first series of downs was over, the man sitting behind me — absolutely drunk — was ready to fight the man next to me. He was a small man, bombed out of his mind, mouthing off to a large man who stood up, and I found myself thinking two things: first, that he was going to get killed, and second, that it was a little too much like déjà vu. The game ended with two teams battling it out for eighth place in the Pac-10, and then a fight broke out on the field. On the way to the car, another fight broke out. The man I was with said — and I think he was right — that a football game is a license to be stupid. Take a country that has lost civility, add a little alcohol, and that is what you are going to get.

Graciousness begins with fellow believers, but it extends beyond that. Love does not act unbecomingly.

Love Does Not Seek Its Own

It seems to me that in a single phrase, this is the key to everything Paul is saying about love. As Paul works through this entire definition, it all could be summed up in the idea of not seeking its own. Love is patient, it is kind, it is not jealous, it does not brag, it is not arrogant, it does not act unbecomingly — in short, it does not seek its own. It is not out looking for its own good.

Most of us are very comfortable when everything is going our way. Larry captured this in a poem he shared here about a month ago. He wrote: "How easy it is to be loving, to be kind, tenderhearted each day. I'm so wonderfully easy to live with when things are going my way. When things are going my way, I'm as sweet as sweetness can be. I can't understand as hard as I try why others aren't caring like me. Be careful that you don't upset me, don't cross me or cause me dismay, or I won't love you the way that I do when things are going my way." Most of us are pretty loving when everything is going our way. That is not the test.

Paul says a characteristic of somebody who is truly a lover is that they are not stubborn, not inflexible, and they do not make everyone around them adjust to accommodate them. One author writes: "In the last analysis, there are in this world only two kinds of people. Those who are continually thinking of their rights and those who are continually thinking of their duties. Those who always insist upon their privilege and those who always remember their responsibilities. Those who are always thinking of what life owes them and those who never forget what they owe life." That is what Jesus said in Matthew 20:28 — "The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve."

The moment we begin to focus on rights over responsibilities, something sick and dark happens. John F. Kennedy wrote in his diary in 1946 — not when he was thinking of presidential politics — "Mr. Roosevelt has contributed to the end of capitalism in our own country. He has done this not through the laws he sponsored or were passed during his presidency, but rather through the emphasis he put on rights rather than responsibilities." Love is not out seeking its own rights. It is trying to fulfill its responsibilities.

Love Is Not Provoked

There are four more characteristics to consider today, and they speak to the dark side of man. The first is that love is not provoked. To be provoked means to have one's anger aroused, to become irritated, to be upset. Scripture obviously allows for righteous indignation — we saw that with Jesus and the money changers. But Paul is speaking here of an uncontrollable anger, an irritability that often sits just under the surface, ready to explode.

What amazes me is how often this appears in quiet men. Quiet men are intimidating to me to begin with, but it is remarkable how frequently the nice, quiet ones come in and say they need help controlling their anger. It sits right under the surface. They quickly try to justify it by saying they get very angry but get over it fast — that they explode and then it is over. To which I always say: that is a little like Hiroshima — a quick pop, and then it is over, and then we spend thirty years cleaning it up. Love does not just fly off the handle.

The great preacher and theologian Jonathan Edwards had a daughter with an uncontrollable temper. A man fell in love with her and asked Edwards if he might have her hand in marriage. Edwards said he could not. The man protested that he and the daughter loved each other. It does not matter, Edwards insisted. When asked why, he said, "Because she is —"

Love Does Not Keep Score

Love does not take into account a wrong that is suffered. Let's first understand what that phrase "take into account" means. It is a bookkeeping term that means to calculate or reckon, to figure out an entry in a ledger — it is an accounting term. One author writes that the purpose of the entry is to make a permanent record that can be consulted whenever needed. In business, that practice is necessary, but in personal matters, it is not only unnecessary, it is harmful.

Keeping track of things done against us is a sure way to unhappiness — ours and the person on whom we are keeping records. Don't keep accounts. Romans 4:8 says, "Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will not take into account." 2 Corinthians 5:19 says, "God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them." Acts 3:19 says, "Repent therefore and return, that your sins may be wiped away."

The Danger of Keeping Records in Relationships

In relationships — and I am going to talk about husband-wife relationships, though this applies equally to any human relationship — it is absolutely essential to keep short accounts. Maybe you have heard the old joke about the man who says that when he fights with his wife, she does not get hysterical, she gets historical. "Remember in '73 when you…" That is what Paul is talking about here: letting things build and build and build until suddenly you are keeping score and never clearing the ledger.

I feel so passionately about this because I am convinced that for ninety percent of the couples who come to see us with problems, if they could grasp this one truth, those problems would go away. Love does not take into account a wrong that is suffered. It assumes someone is taking advantage of you. It assumes you are right and the other person is wrong. What Paul is saying is there is no time and no place to keep score — let it go. And the best place to do it is right when the event occurs.

A Sandwich and a Moment of Grace

The greatest illustration of this for me comes from my own life, from a time when Susan and I had a difference of opinion. It was a Saturday morning about twelve years ago. I had planned on watching football — just a nice, quiet Saturday. The Iowa game was coming on around noon, and I was watching an earlier game, Toledo and Dayton, Bowling Green, a game that did not really matter, but I was watching it.

Susan came in and asked what I would like for lunch. I said it did not matter. She asked again, and I said, "Honey, it doesn't matter. You've been getting sandwiches from that Subway place down the street — why don't you just go get some sandwiches? That would be great." So she went and got them. She came back and set the sandwiches out on the countertop — our house has a family room, then a countertop and a cabinet that opens into the kitchen, and then a wall and a dining room beyond that. She set the sandwiches out and said they were ready.

I went over, got my sandwich, came back, and sat down to eat. I had about this much of the sandwich left on the counter when the kids came through with some friends and went into the dining room. I got up to go get the rest of my sandwich, and Susan said, "Oh, Tom, don't eat that. The girls brought some friends over and I'm not sure I have enough food. Don't eat that." Really? All right.

So I went into the dining room and said hello to the kids. I even suggested they drink some soda pop to fill up their little bellies with carbonation. They declined. I went back out, and I said to Susan, "I don't understand this. I'm not asking you to do brain surgery. I'm not asking you to go to the moon. I'm not asking you to do a heart transplant. We're talking about a sandwich. Is it that hard? What does it take — money? We have money. We have money everywhere. We have credit cards. Is it money you needed? You know I'm in the middle of a growing spurt." Ouch.

I sat down. About five minutes later the kids came through and said they were going outside, and they were gone. Susan looked at me, went over and got the sandwich, picked it up, brought it over — and there are many ways to set a sandwich down. She set it in my lap, went over and sat on the couch. We had arrived at a very important point. Many of you have been there, because you know that the next one who speaks loses.

So Susan said, "Can I get you some chips? Would you like a Coke? Tom, I just thought — I know you want to see the Iowa game — I just thought I'd get the kids and get them out of here for a couple of hours so nothing would bother you."

What Paul Is Talking About

Isn't that interesting? Here is a situation absolutely filled with tension — you could feel it in the room — and it was gone. How did it get gone? Susan simply let it go. That is a perfect application of this passage. I was wrong, she was right. Many people would have stood up and said, "What kind of a jerk are you? Who are you to talk to me that way?" There were plenty of cheap shots available to her. She did not take them. That is what Paul is talking about. Paul is not talking about keeping score.

Love Does Not Keep Score

Paul, in Ephesians chapter 4, is trying to tell us how to live. He writes in verse 1, "I, the prisoner of the Lord, entreat you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you've been called." In other words, you have been called as a Christian — now live like it. He describes what that means and builds to a crescendo, talking about putting off the old and putting on the new.

Look at verse 29: "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment that it may give grace to the one who hears." That is very hard. What this verse says is that I am to speak in a way that is exactly what the listener needs. That means I have to know what they need — I have to stop and listen, be sensitive, be aware, and speak in a way that edifies them.

Then Paul writes: "Let all bitterness and wrath, anger and clamor along with any slander be put away from you along with all malice." Notice how it builds. It starts with bitterness sitting inside, seething, and it becomes wrath, then anger, then clamor, and now it is slander. It just builds and builds and builds, but it all starts with that thing inside — that moment when you kept score.

It may be a big thing or it may be a little thing, something that has just crept into your heart. It may seem so small that you are not even going to bring it up, but you do not let it go either. It sits in there, takes root, grabs hold of your heart, and then all of a sudden it explodes out of you. That is why sometimes you are talking to someone and they go off the deep end, and you are saying, "I did not say that — how did that happen?" They are not responding to what you just said; they are responding to something that happened a long time ago. Do not keep score. Let it go.

The Power of Received Forgiveness

You might say, "I could never do that." That is exactly why verse 32 is so important: "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." There is the key right there. Do you want to become a great forgiver? Paul says all you have to do is understand how much forgiveness you have already received. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. How can you hold anything against anyone?

Now, there is sin, and we have to deal with sin. We are not saying you ignore it — we have the prescription in Matthew 18 for dealing with sin, and even in this letter, back in chapter 5 verse 11, Paul said, "I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he should be an immoral person, not to even eat with one." Paul is not saying we gloss over sin. He is saying that in relationships, he is moving toward forgiveness as quickly as he can. Next week we will look at how, as Paul reaches the end of this passage, he speaks of how love bears all, believes all, hopes all, and endures all — in a phrase, love gives the benefit of the doubt again and again and again.

Love Does Not Rejoice in Unrighteousness

There are two more things to consider — one negative, one positive. First the negative: love does not rejoice in unrighteousness. That means it takes no satisfaction from sin. Isaiah 5:20 says, "Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness, who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter." This can mean a couple of things, one of which is that we do not laugh at things God would call evil.

Also encompassed in this idea of not rejoicing in unrighteousness is the matter of entertaining information being passed on to us — what we might call gossip. There is something in us that loves the dark side of things. We would rather hear something dark and sinful about somebody than something good. That is why that kind of material sells.

I was in a Circle K the other day, checking out, and I had a moment to stand there and look at the magazines on the rack. I found myself thinking, who buys this? Who could possibly buy this stuff — and why? The answer is simple. We want everyone torn down. We do not want any heroes. We want the dark side of Camelot. We want the dark side of everything. That is why gossip is so appealing.

The Wickedness of Gossip

I want to quote John MacArthur on this. He says gossip is one of the most common forms of sin, and it would do little harm if there were not so many eager listeners. This sin, which many Christians treat lightly, is wicked not only because it uncaringly reveals the weakness and sin of others and therefore hurts rather than helps them, but because the heart of gossip is rejoicing in evil. Gossip that is true is still gossip. It is the way unfavorable truth is passed on — and often simply the fact that it is passed on — that makes gossip gossip. It has been defined as vice enjoyed vicariously.

It is devastating, and it is a real concern of mine. A few years ago a man came up to me and said he needed to apologize and asked for my forgiveness. I told him he had it, and then asked what he had done. He said that for five years he had slandered me all over the valley. I asked what I had done to him, and he said it was a little embarrassing to explain — but he had come to realize something.

Love Rejoices in Truth

The other night, we were at a game and I was sitting with the guy next to me. I said, "Tom Schrader?" He said, "Yeah." I described what he does, and the man said, "Arrogant — I can't stand him. Look at him sitting down there." I said, "Well, that's not Schrader." He said, "Yes it is." I said, "No it isn't." He finally admitted, "I didn't realize that. For five years I thought you were somebody else." I said, "Really? Now, I'm a really good forgiver, but do you have any clue who you shared this with over the last five years — so you could go back to them?" It's a terrible thing. I think MacArthur is exactly right: it wouldn't do so much harm if there weren't so many eager listeners. We love that. I don't know if it's that we think we have some inside information, but we are drawn to it.

Here is the flip side of that, and we close with it today. Love rejoices with truth — that is, it rejoices with God's truth, with biblical doctrine. I've tried in the last month to keep this in front of you and to address you as missionaries. You are missionaries — missionaries to this culture. So you need to understand the culture you live in, and one of the things you need to understand is that it is hostile toward biblical truth.

We've seen this illustrated many times. As long as you talk about God with people, everybody is fine. But if you go further and say, "We mean the God who is defined in the Bible — we believe this is truth," and then say that God did not participate in the writing of the Koran, or the works of Confucius, or the Book of Mormon, all of a sudden you get resentment. What people try to do is find the minimum amount of truth everyone can agree on so we can all just get along. That is not healthy.

As long as you talk about God in some broad, ethereal way, everything is acceptable. But once you bring it to Christ, to the cross, to His substitutionary death on the cross, all of a sudden you are narrow-minded and intolerant. Let me help you as you go out into the marketplace and people call you those things: being narrow-minded and intolerant is a good thing when it comes to truth.

The next time you get on a plane, you want a narrow-minded pilot. You want a man who says, every time, "I like to land it with the wheels down. I'm not into trying it some other way." When they say "vector Charlie, 48 degrees," I want a pilot who flies 48 degrees — not someone who rounds it up, or decides runway one and runway seven are all the same because it's all just concrete. When it comes to truth, we cannot waver. It is important that we communicate in love, but real love rejoices in the proclamation of God's Word.

Paul's Summary: The Pattern of Love

Paul begins now to summarize it all in verse seven. Love bears all, believes all, hopes all, and endures all. We will look at those next week, but you can already see a pattern. In essence, Paul is saying there are three positive things. You see it in verse four: love is patient and love is kind. Then in the second part of verse six: love rejoices in truth. And then it bears, believes, hopes, and endures all things. In essence, love is patient, love is kind, and love is honest.

Here is what love is not. It is not jealous. It does not brag. It is not arrogant. It does not act unbecomingly. It does not seek its own. It does not provoke. It does not take into account a wrong that has been suffered. And it does not rejoice in unrighteousness.

The Question of How You Have Responded

What we are driving toward — and we get there next week — is this: you have to figure out whether you have this biblical love or not. The question is not whether somebody has wronged you. It is not whether you have been dealt wrong. It is not whether life has been unfair — I assume it has. The question is, how have you responded to that?

If you are like me, you have to be getting to the point where you say, "I can't do this." And that is exactly right. That is why the fruit of the Spirit is love. That is why we say to an unbeliever: a non-Christian could never love this way. This is something that is supernaturally produced. What Paul says is that it is the supreme mark of the Christian.

So do you love as Christ loved? That becomes the issue. We will define it further next week as we close out this section.

Closing Prayer

Father, help us be people who are patient and who are kind. As we look at our lives, help us answer this question: Are we jealous? Do we brag? Are we arrogant? Do we act rudely? Are we concerned about ourselves and nothing else? Are we keeping score so we can get even? Do we love to hear juicy gossip? Do we celebrate and rejoice in the truth? Those are the marks of love.

It is our prayer that we would be individuals and a body that would love You. As we leave this place, Father, let us be real lovers — by Your definition, not by some worldly standard. Let us love the way You would have us love, as Christ loved. That is our prayer, offered to You in Jesus' name, amen.