What I Learned on My Summer Vacation Part 2 (2004)

Tom Shrader opens with reflections on grace and deserving, pushing back against the cultural assumption that we are owed good things and grounding gratitude in the reality that God gives far more than anyone deserves. He then works through eleven common parenting mistakes—including living through children, refusing to discipline, giving material things instead of love, and holding on too tightly—drawing on Deuteronomy 6 as the foundation for teaching children to love God with all their heart. He closes with pastoral encouragement to parents in the thick of it, reading a letter from his own daughter as evidence that faithful, imperfect parenting done with love is worth the effort.

“God didn't give us what we deserve. He's given us a life that has meaning and purpose and direction and a reason to live.”

— Tom Shrader

Series: What I Learned on My Summer Vacation

Recorded: 2004 at East Valley Bible Church

Duration: 54 min

Themes: parenting, grace, gratitude, discipline, family, love, children, humility, parent, struggling with guilt, raising teenagers, mother, father, feeling overwhelmed, empty nester, young family

Scripture: Deuteronomy 6:4-7, Hebrews 12, 2 Samuel 6

Theological Themes: deuteronomy 6, covenant family, sanctification, grace, unmerited favor, biblical parenting, pastoral care, spiritual formation

Full Transcript

Introduction

If you are one of those people who say "I love East Valley Bible Church because it's chapter by chapter and verse by verse," we'll be there next week. Next week we continue our study in the life of Christ. We take the four Gospels and harmonize them, and we'll pick up exactly where we left off. Tonight is part two of "What I Learned on My Summer Vacation" — my opportunity to talk about what I heard, what I read, what I witnessed and experienced. It's often almost a shepherding moment, really, and I'm grateful they allow me to do this.

Cannon Beach

Part of what we did on summer vacation was spend some time at Cannon Beach, where we went to a Christian conference center and spoke and worked there. Last night we were at the game, and there was a rain delay, so we were upstairs eating and sitting around a table — five of us — and we started talking about different things. Church came up, and one of the guys said, "East Valley Bible Church." He said, "Oh, East Valley Bible Church — my sister was just at Cannon Beach and heard somebody from East Valley Bible Church teach up there, and said, 'I need to go to that church; the guy's really good.'" And I said, "Man, he's incredible. When you get there, you're going to love him."

One of the challenges at Cannon Beach is that when you go into a setting like that, you have people from all different churches — Baptists, Methodists, Lutherans, Presbyterians, Bible Church people, all sorts. It's very difficult to gauge that audience, so I just do my thing. I don't know what else to do.

Redneck Church

One thing I try to identify is whether anyone is from a redneck church, because we've never had anybody there from one. How would you know if you were at a redneck church? The finance committee refused to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knew how to play one. Baptism is referred to as branding. When the pastor said, "I'd like Bubba to help take up an offering," five guys and two women stood up. You know you're in a redneck church if finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable. And you know you're in a redneck church if people think rapture is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

We are East Valley Bible Church — we're glad you're here — and here we go.

Two Major Points

What I'm going to do tonight is take about four or five things and combine them into two major points. The first comes from a book I read while I was gone called *Tales from the Bed: Tales on Living, Dying, and Having It All*. It's a book about a woman named Jennifer Estes, written by her sister. Jennifer was 35 years old, on her way to a career — single, everything going great. She and her three sisters were very close, and they were just launching a new business together. She had been experiencing spasms, contractions, and shaking in her arms and legs, and finally it got to the point where she couldn't handle it anymore and went to the doctor. The doctor discovered she had Lou Gehrig's disease. The book covers the lead-up to that discovery, what happens afterward, and ultimately her passing — with her sister writing the very end.

Why Me?

There is a section I wanted to read to you. She writes this: "Why me? Have you asked that question? I have. My sisters have. Why us? Why did a fatal disease with no medicine break up our miraculous love and cut it short? I don't know. All I know is that everyone has a why me. Look at Christy Brinkley — you wouldn't think she has a why me, but I bet she does. Look at your parents and your friends. Look at your children. Look in the mirror. Everyone faces a challenge. Everyone asks, why me?" A little earlier, on page 42, there is a simple six-word sentence: "Unfairness is a fact of life."

When I read that, it struck me, because there is that "why me" I find all over with people. Why me? Why this?

You Deserve It

I want to contrast that with something. When I was getting ready to go on vacation, you all were so good and so gracious to me. As we were getting ready to leave, you'd say, "Are you ready for vacation?" — and you've all learned that taking that time off is a big deal for me. Then I'd come home for a meeting and go back out, and after vacation was over, there was a common comment many of you made. You would say, "You deserve it. You deserve that break."

Now, if you go back behind the stage, there's the music area, a little storage room, and the music offices. In one of those offices, one of those cubes, there is a little piece of paper displayed prominently that reads: "I deserve to burn in hell. Anything less than —"

We Are So Blessed

God has given us so much. While I was on vacation, I was having a sandwich with a guy, and he was just talking about all of the stuff we have. He said, "We are so spoiled." I told him, let me give you a better way to say that: we are so blessed. And to whom much is given, much is required.

God didn't give us what we deserve. That is always hard for us to get our arms around, because we tend to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt when it comes to the area of sin. As I read through Scripture, I find this pattern again and again.

Here is Adam. Adam eats a piece of fruit, and all of what we see around us is brought on by that very act. In my heart of hearts, when I first read that, I found myself thinking, God, that's not that big a deal. God, you're overreacting here just a little bit — all of this because he ate.

There are numerous examples of that through the Scripture. Consider David. David takes a census, and God says, "You need to be punished. I told you not to take a census." We look at that and think, what's the big deal? He counted some people, counted some horses. Yet God says punishment is required, gives three options, and David says, "You pick it, God." God kills 70,000 men. Reading that, I find myself thinking, what is the big deal?

Then I get to 2 Samuel 6 — moving the ark. God says He doesn't want anyone to touch it. The ark begins to shake and is on its way to the ground. A man dives for it, holds it up, and God strikes him dead. We read that and think, are you kidding me? This guy is trying to do You a favor, God. But we are never doing God a favor when we disobey Him.

What We Truly Deserve

We deserve hell. For those of us who are Christians, God has not given us anything less than a life that has meaning and purpose and direction and a reason to live. He has given us the ability to call Him Father. He has indwelled us with the Holy Spirit and transformed our lives. We don't deserve it, but we receive it with a grateful, thankful heart.

Freedom, Self-Knowledge, and Self-Acceptance

While I was gone I read a lot of periodicals, and I found an article on Jamie Lee Curtis. In this article, Jamie Lee Curtis said, "I'm freer today than ever before because I'm in control. Freedom to me means self-knowledge and self-acceptance." When I read that, I thought these ideas all come together in an interesting way.

She says she is freer because she is in control — but she isn't, and neither are we. We can control certain things, like our attitude, but generally our life is beyond our control. The idea that if you can conceive it you can achieve it sounds appealing, but it doesn't reflect reality.

She also says freedom means self-knowledge and self-acceptance. True self-knowledge and self-acceptance is understanding who we are in God's sight and how that translates into our relationship with Him. I will offer a small warning here: whether you are self-degrading or self-exalting, either position is wrong, because in both cases you are focused entirely on yourself.

How to Say No to Your Kids

I promised last week that we would spend the majority of time on this cover story from Newsweek: "How to Say No to Your Kids." I received an e-mail this week from a woman who wrote this:

"I think I understood you to say that you were going to talk about the importance of parents saying no to their kids. If so, that's great and really needed. I'm a junior high teacher, and I can't tell you how much parents need to hear this. I've been teaching for more than 20 years, and parenting skills are at an all-time low. Parents are becoming more and more permissive with their kids, and as a result the kids are getting harder and harder to teach. At parent-teacher conferences, it's sometimes hard to determine which one is the child and which is the parent. When I know I'm going to have to call a parent about Biff's behavior, my head starts to ache. I know I'll likely hear a boatload of excuses about why Biff can't be expected to behave, or that my expectations are simply too high for poor Biff. Many parents are just caving into their kids, and these kids are running the show. I feel like I want to get buttons made for my students that say, just say no."

That is exactly what this article is about. It says that if you say no to your children, there may be consequences — and it is worth taking the time to talk about that.

A Word About Controversial Topics

Let me offer a brief warning. There are probably two topics that tend to be controversial in the church. One of them is music, and there seem to be as many ideas about what music should be as there are people. If you want to make sure I get your opinion on it, apparently you just write a message and don't sign it. I don't think that is a good way to communicate, but I do read all the unsigned messages. This one was on my desk when I came in this afternoon, so it arrived this morning. It reads: "Your music does not need to be divisive. Simply abandon the rock and roll theme and return to a more serene and respectable musical format." Do you sense the problem? "Your music doesn't need to be divisive — just do what I like."

That is one issue. When we talk about parenting, however, it seems to generate even more reaction, more emotion, and more conflict than almost anything else.

Attempting to Live Through Your Children

Those of you who are parents are probably responding in a variety of ways. Some of you are looking for a system or a design and you want it. Others have a philosophy of parenting and believe that needs to be everyone's philosophy. And some of you have been parented in ways that haven't worked out very well, and you are motivated by guilt. What I am trying to do tonight is to be helpful and encouraging. I thought about not tackling this subject, but that is not right either. Let us just hit this head-on.

From a Newsweek article, an expert writes this: "It is almost like parents have lost their parenting skills. They want to be their kids' best friends and make sure they are having fun, but what the kids really need" — and this is a secular teacher saying this — "what the kids really need is for parents to be parents."

One last introductory comment. It is tempting to say, well, I know there are all sorts of problems out there, but not in here. They are here too. They are all over. So I am going to approach this a little differently. I am going to give you eleven things you can do to ruin your kids. You do these eleven things, and you will ruin your kids — I guarantee it.

Here is the first one: attempt to live your life through them. The only deep regret I really have in life is that maybe I would have liked to have had more kids. We only had two, and we only had girls, and the reason is that I was petrified we would have a boy. The public reason is that I am one, and I know what they are like, and the world does not need more of them. But privately, I was afraid I would ruin the kid. I was afraid that if I had a boy, I would try to make him into the baseball player I was not, or the golfer I was not, or the preacher I am not. And all of that flows from one undergirding principle — a repeating theme of pride.

Sarah had just finished first grade, and we got her Iowa Basic Skills scores in the mail. I opened them up and was absolutely stunned to discover she was average. So I sat her down and said, "Sarah, listen. According to these tests, you are average. Number one, that is from your mother's side of the family. Number two, we can work our way through this." But why did I even care about her Iowa Basic Skills scores? Pride. So often we want what is best for our kids not even for them, but for ourselves. You see those bumper stickers: "My kid's an honor roll student." What does that say to all the other kids? Pride. Look at my kid.

Refusing to Fulfill Your God-Given Role

Here is the second thing: refuse to fulfill your God-given role. I am talking about in marriage. Husbands do not lead. Wives battle for the leadership. If you want to ruin your kids, do not let them see a man who is leading his house.

Today, as I left the conference center at 10:30 and was coming back over here, I thought I had about twenty minutes, so I went and visited as many of the early childhood rooms as I could. In every single room I went into, there was a man. There are not many churches on this planet where you walk into a room with six-month-olds, six- to twelve-month-olds, and twelve- to eighteen-month-olds, and you see men there. The message to the kids and to everyone is this: men, lead. Take the lead. The kids need to see you in that role.

Moms, the kids need to see you submit to your husband. Now, I understand that in this room there are many single parents, and not all of this applies to you. You have an especially difficult job. If there is divorce involved and there is another parent in the picture — especially if that parent is not a believer — you may wonder what you can do. You let these kids see you. You let them see that you believe this and that it is true. You let them see Jesus transform your life. You cannot control the other situation or necessarily control the other person, but you can do that.

For those of you who do have a mom and dad together, let the kids see you love each other. Susan and I used to wrestle around, and we still do. The girls would say, "Oh, yuck, gross." But then it was always kind of, "Do it again, Dad." They loved to see that we loved one another. If you want to mess your kids up, do not let them see any affection between the two of you.

Giving Stuff Instead of Love

Here is the third thing: give them a bunch of stuff instead of love. From the same Newsweek article: "Despite their good intentions" — speaking of parents — "too many parents find themselves raising wanting machines who respond like Pavlov's dog to marketing that is aimed right at them. Even getting what they want doesn't satisfy these kids." And then there is this great little sentence: "Saying no is harder when you can afford to say yes."

I was trying to think back on my own childhood — and it is totally unfair, and I cannot fully recapture it — but I do not remember asking my mom and dad for a lot of stuff. I am sure we probably did, but the dynamic was simply different.

Saying No When You Could Say Yes

We understood the answer was going to be no because there wasn't any money to get things. It is pretty easy to say no when you don't have any money. But it is when you have the resources that saying no becomes the real test.

We had just left the business world and were teaching, and I had evidently communicated something to the girls that I didn't want to communicate. We were walking through Fiesta Mall, and the girls were five and seven years old. Haley said, "Boy, I'd like to get that," and Sarah replied, "You know we can't afford that anymore."

I sat them down right there — I could take you to the bench at Fiesta Mall — and I said, "Listen up, girls. We can afford that. We're just not spending money on that." If you want to mess a child up, give them a bunch of stuff with absolutely no connection to their behavior. Give it to them just because they cry.

A Lesson from Best Buy

A lot of what I'm going to talk about here flows from experience I've had. Two months ago, I had an encounter at Best Buy. Best Buy is a great store — a terrific store. However, if you're in management there, let me give you a tip: open more registers.

I got my CD and went to check out. Two registers were open — I knew that would be the case. One had five people in line. The other had a lady with a shopping cart, a six-year-old girl, a four-year-old girl running around on the ground, and what looked like a three-year-old boy, and no one behind them. I decided I would stand nearby and cut off anyone who came up, rather than commit to either line. That is the kind of thinking that goes into a CD purchase. That is why life is so hard for me.

As I watched, the girls in the shopping cart were hitting each other, poking each other in the head. The mom kept saying, "Leave him alone," and then turned away. One girl punched the other in the face. The boy was on the ground throwing things. They swiped the card and got to the electronic signature pad — and then the card didn't swipe. The whole process started over. Meanwhile, the mom was buying games and all sorts of things for the kids.

When they finally finished and got three or four feet away from the register, the children were still messing around. The mom called back, "I'm going to give all this stuff back if you don't stop." Then she left.

What Three Store Employees Already Knew

There were two young men at the checkout, probably around twenty years old, and a young woman at the door checking receipts. This had gone on for four or five minutes by the time they left. I turned to the guy at the register and said, "I'm exhausted. I'm wiped out. I don't know if I have the strength to get my MasterCard out."

One of the young men said to the other, "How bad is that?" The other replied, "It's awful. I don't understand it." The first one said, "They just need discipline. These kids don't have any discipline. Nobody ever disciplines them." The young woman at the door came over and said, "Why would you take them out in public? Why would you just give them more stuff?"

These were secular young people, and they saw it clearly. A secular psychologist quoted in a Newsweek article put it this way: children need limits on their behavior because they feel better and more secure when they live within structure. It is that simple. God disciplines His kids — isn't that what Hebrews 12 says? God loves His kids, and because He loves His kids, He disciplines His kids.

The Danger of No Consequences

If you want to ruin your child, don't discipline them. Let them do whatever they want to do. I know I've talked about this before, but I am stunned at how poor parenting has become. I watch parents at Costco with a child running around while they call out, "Johnny. Johnny, come here. Johnny. One, two, three. What are you doing?" and then hand the child something.

Here is a simple parenting tip: "Johnny, come here." No. Pop. We're done. We don't need to talk about it. We don't need to work our way through this. But if you want to ruin the child, don't discipline him — just let peer pressure drive your parenting.

Pride in the Parenting Comparison Game

I've told this story before, but it applies here. Sarah was around sixteen or seventeen months old. I was talking with a man at work who had a daughter about twelve or thirteen months old. We were talking about kids and raising them, and he said, "My daughter is potty trained." I said, "What?" He said, "My daughter is potty trained." I asked how old she was, and he said twelve or thirteen months.

I drove home thinking, Sarah is sixteen or seventeen months old and is not potty trained. We have issues. I said to Susan, "What are you going to do? We've got a kid with a problem." She said it wasn't a big deal. I said, "Susan, it's a huge deal. That man's child is potty trained and ours isn't." She told me to let it go. I said I wasn't letting it go — something was going wrong.

Then she said something pretty insightful. She said, "Is there anyone in your office who isn't potty trained?" I said, "Well, Jim Harper" — and we love you, man. And I thought, oh Tom, that was stupid.

What motivated all of that? Susan and I had gotten caught up in thinking we needed to fix something that wasn't broken. That was nothing but pride. Who cares? And you've done that too, haven't you? Maybe it isn't potty training. Maybe it's something else entirely.

Pride and Parenting

There it is again — pride raising its ugly head. It could be that your kid couldn't make the basket, couldn't play defense, or was an Iowa quarterback. It could be any of these things. Don't ever tell him you're sorry. That'll really mess him up.

Learning from Sarah

Most of my illustrations are from Sarah. Sarah and I are a lot alike. She's the oldest, and my heart goes out to those of you who are oldest in your family — I was the oldest too. It's like my dad had all this pent-up energy for discipline saved up for me, and by the time he got to the rest of them, he was pooped. Sarah experienced a little bit of that as well.

Because Sarah and I are so alike, we would sometimes go at it. If I came home having had a bad day and I saw Sarah, I would sometimes just launch on her — on her and on her and on her — until a father had provoked a child to anger. I remember one occasion where I'm on her, and finally she loses it, and I said, "Get down to your room and stay there."

Susan and I had an agreement not to argue in front of the kids. So once Sarah was in her room, I came back and Susan said, "Tom, what are you doing? Listen to what you said — you're wrong." I said, "Well, maybe I'm wrong." She said, "Tom, you're wrong. You ought to go tell her you're sorry."

Down I went, and those were painful times — lots of tears on my part — to walk in knowing I had exercised my authority in an inappropriate way. Sarah would be there with her little lip trembling, and I'd be crying, and I'd say, "Honey, I'm sorry." I've thought about it a lot. Sarah and I would go like that, but it never carried over into the next day — never in her attitude, never. I think it's for two reasons: number one, she knew how much I loved her, and number two, I was telling her all the time when I screwed up, "I'm sorry." So she assumed, and I think even to this day, that if we went like that, I at least thought I was right — and probably was right.

Seventh Thing: Don't Let Kids Make Up Their Own Minds on Spiritual Matters

Here is your seventh thing: teach your kids to be open-minded, especially regarding spiritual matters — let them make up their own mind. Periodically I run into people who ask what I do, and when I tell them I teach Bible studies and work in a church, they say, "Well, we're not particularly religious people, and what we're trying to do is just let our kids make up their own mind regarding religion." How silly. You don't let them just come home and say, "What do you want for dinner?" and when they answer "Twinkies," say, "All right, let me get you some." You wouldn't think to do that. You teach them what's true.

And here is another one that always ruffles a few feathers. When kids get to that junior high or high school point and they start to resist a little, particularly saying, "I don't want to go to church," I'll get the question: should I make them go? I don't know — do you make them go to math class when they don't want to? Well, yes. This is way more important than math. You put them in there because you don't know what God is going to do.

Don't Tear Your Kids Down with Words

Here is another one: don't restrain your mouth. Start telling those kids, "You're stupid, you're lazy, you'll never amount to anything." Some of you have heard that from your parents, and you carry around that pain. It hurts — and yet statistically, you're the ones most likely to turn around and do that to your own kids. Pretty soon it just sucks the life out of them. They become little robots moving around. It is so sad to see a third grader, a fourth grader, a fifth grader, a junior high or high school student who has had the life sucked out of them by a hard-nosed parent.

Again — Sarah. I came home one day and Susan said, "Sarah is so excited. She's been down in her room for two hours and comes out to check every five minutes. She wants you down there." I asked what it was about and Susan said, "Just go down there." I went down, and Sarah said, "Dad, look at this" — and she handed me a report card: five A's and a B. And I said to her, "What are you doing getting a B? I never got a B." I never got an A either, so she was already ahead of me. But I watched that excitement in that moment just turn to blank. And it was my fault.

The Two-Income Myth

Here is another one: accept the two-income myth. You hear it all the time — it takes two incomes to live. Well, yes, a certain lifestyle requires it. If you want all new everything, new cars, new everything, you're probably going to need two incomes. But one income will go a long way if you don't have to have new everything.

When Susan and I got married and had Sarah, we weren't Christians yet, but we thought it through and determined that what a child really needed was a mom. We couldn't afford it — at that point I could only make $1,200 a month as a trainee at Coldwell Banker. So there was a lot of sacrifice. We had one car and I had to take it to work. Susan used cloth diapers because it was about $10 a month cheaper and we didn't have the $10. Four days a week in those early years, I ate on 78 cents a day — two frozen burritos from Bash's — and once a week I could get a sandwich.

I'm not telling you this looking for sympathy. We thought mom being with the kids was really important. My personal opinion, if you were to trace back to the point —

car. My son got back into his seat. He didn't say a word. He buckled himself in and he stared straight ahead. And we drove in the most peaceful, pleasant silence we've experienced in three years. It was nothing short of a miracle.

That's funny, but it's also instructive. There are times when you are the boss, and the boss has to act like the boss.

The Role of Discipline

Here's what happens in discipline. The Scripture tells us clearly — and I know this is counter-cultural and I know it's going to get a reaction — the Scripture tells us that we ought to use the rod. You say, well, what does that mean? Does it mean I literally take a stick and beat my kid? Let me tell you something. When Scripture talks about the rod, it talks about a very specific thing. It talks about appropriate, measured, controlled physical correction of a child. It is not abuse. It is not out-of-control anger. It is not taking your frustration out on your kid. It is a measured, appropriate, controlled response. The Scripture is clear that there are times when physical discipline is appropriate, particularly for younger children.

Now, does that mean it's the only form of discipline? Absolutely not. There are many forms of discipline. There's time out. There's the removal of privileges. There's grounding. There's a host of things. But don't ever let someone tell you that physical discipline is necessarily abusive. The Scripture does not say that. What the Scripture says is that a parent who loves their child will discipline that child. Proverbs 13:24 says, "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." That's the Word of God. That's not my opinion. That's what the Scripture teaches.

Here's the other side of discipline. You can overdo it. Fathers — and the Scripture specifically addresses fathers here — Ephesians 6:4 says, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Don't exasperate your kids. Don't provoke them to wrath. Don't be so heavy-handed and so overbearing that what you produce in that child is either total rebellion or a broken, crushed spirit. There's a balance here. You're the boss, but you're a loving boss. You're a boss who is under the authority of Scripture, and everything you do is measured by the Word of God.

Parenting with Consistency and Love

The second positive thing I want to give you is this: be consistent. Kids need consistency. They need to know that when you say something, you mean it. One of the most destructive things you can do to a child is to threaten and not follow through. When you say, if you do that one more time, I'm going to — and then they do it one more time and you don't — you have just taught that child that your words mean nothing. And they will test that boundary again and again and again, because they've learned there's no consequence.

Consistency also means that both parents are on the same page. One of the most common things that happens in a home is that kids learn to play one parent against the other. Mom says no, so they go to Dad. Dad says no, so they go to Mom. You have to be united. You have to communicate. You have to support one another's decisions, even if you privately disagree. You work that out between yourselves, not in front of the kids. Because the moment a child sees a crack in that unity, they will drive a truck through it.

Here's the third positive thing: love them lavishly. Tell them you love them. Show them you love them. Spend time with them. Put down the phone, turn off the television, get off the computer, and be present with your kids. There is no substitute for your presence. You can give them every material thing in the world, and if you're not present, you have given them nothing of lasting value. What they need is you. They need to know that they matter to you, that they are a priority, that you would rather be with them than anywhere else in the world.

What Children Ultimately Need

And here's the most important thing I can tell you about parenting. It is not ultimately about behavior management. It is about the heart. You are not just trying to produce a well-behaved child. You are trying to raise a child who knows and loves God. That is the goal. Deuteronomy 6:5-7 says, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."

Do you see what that passage is saying? It starts with you. Before you can impress these things on your children, they have to be on your heart. You cannot give what you do not have. If you are not walking with God, if you are not in the Word, if you are not in prayer, if you are not in community with other believers, you do not have the spiritual resources to raise your children the way God intends. It starts with you.

And that means the most important thing you can do for your kids is to love God yourself. Let them see you pray. Let them see you read your Bible. Let them see you serve. Let them see you worship. Let them see you repent when you're wrong. Let them see you forgive when you've been hurt. Let them see what a life of faith actually looks like lived out in the real world, in the hard moments, in the moments of failure and struggle and pain. That is the curriculum. That is the classroom. It's your life.

No One-Size-Fits-All Approach

Before moving on, it is worth pausing on the topic of spanking. We are not advocating child abuse here. We are not talking about black and blue marks. We are talking about making rules and enforcing rules, and physical punishment is one alternative among many.

Here is the second thing: there is no one-size-fits-all approach. This is probably what generates the most response, because I am going to give you a great deal of freedom on this issue. People always want to know what East Valley Bible's position is on any given parenting question. Take schooling, for example. Whether it is Christian school, public school, or home school, I have seen kids come out of each with their lives in great shape, and I have seen kids come out of each as a complete mess.

I have seen kids from Christian school who are no more Christian than this pulpit, placed there because mom and dad were hoping the school could do something they had not been able to do. I have seen other kids come out of Christian school and go on to become important people in the body of Christ. I have seen public school kids strung out on drugs, and I have seen public school kids leading others to Christ and bringing friends to Oxygen and Fuel. I have seen home school kids who turned eighteen and were out the door, gothic, and months later pregnant, and I have seen home school kids on their way to medical school.

What is the lesson? Apparently there is no one-size-fits-all guarantee. You are the parent, and the same principle applies to how you run your home.

In our house, raising our kids, we never had a set time for devotions. We did not do daily devotions. There was no set time when we gathered around to pray or gathered around the table to sing a hymn. I am not saying you should not do those things, but I am also asking you not to tell me there is one single God-ordained way to raise a child and nothing else.

That is where so much of this tension comes from. All of a sudden, your way has to be my way, and my way has to be the way, and we define what the way is. There are many ways to accomplish this. We did not abdicate our role. We understood that we were there to train our kids, to teach them godly principles, and to help them understand what it means to be a godly woman. We just may not have done it the way you would, and I am not here to say your way is wrong and mine is right.

The tension I see is when people insist it has to be Christian school, or it has to be public school, or it has to be home school, or there must be daily devotions, or there must be scripture memorization. There has to be, there has to be, there has to be. I do not buy that. Those are things children need to learn, and I believe there are many ways to accomplish it. You are the parent. You figure it out. You know your child better than anyone else does.

Teach Them What Is Significant

Here is the third thing: when you do teach your children, teach them what is significant. The world has its own answer about what matters. At the end of the final night of American Idol last year, before the vote, they asked Simon Cowell what winning would mean to the person who took it all. He said, "They'll get what they have always wanted — fame, stardom, a ton of money. That's what it's all about."

Now fast forward to someone who actually had all of that. After his death, they replayed an interview Larry King had conducted with Marlon Brando — famous, no question about it. They called him the greatest actor who ever lived, which, I will be honest, I do not entirely understand. "Stella." I mean, I can do that. "Stella." I am not sure how hard that is. But here is what Brando said, a man who had everything the world promises: "The idea of being successful and having a lot of money and having all your dreams come true is completely crazy. I've had so much misery in my life being rich and famous."

So what do you teach your children instead? Deuteronomy 6. "Hear, O Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words I am commanding you today shall be on your heart, and you shall teach them to your children diligently." How? "When you sit in the house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise up." It is not just one single moment set aside on the calendar.

Susan could not have given our girls a better example of what it means to be a woman of God, and here is how she did it: she lived it. She turned the whole world into a classroom. She would turn a trip to Home Depot — God bless her — into a teaching experience for our kids. That is exactly what Deuteronomy 6 is describing.

Let me also point out the obvious. You cannot teach your children what you do not know yourself. I was talking with a man who said he was just a baby Christian. I asked how long he had been a Christian, and he said seven years. Seven years is not a baby Christian. By that point you ought to know a great deal, and if you do not, it is because you have not tried. Beyond that, your actions cannot be separated from your words. You cannot say one thing and do another.

Keeping Parenting in Perspective

Parenting can be way overestimated and way overemphasized. There is a tendency to raise it to some sublime level — as though parenting sits here, and then everything else in the Christian life sits far below it. I don't buy that. Parenting is another aspect of what we do. It is an important aspect — I am not saying it isn't — but it is not the one thing that causes everything else to fall away. I think you need to be careful about that tendency, especially at a place like East Valley Bible Church.

What kids do need is for you to be in their corner. This may not sound right to you, but it is tough to be a third grader. It is tough to be a junior higher. It is tough to be in high school.

A Note From Sarah

Sarah left Susan and me a card the day after the wedding, and I want to read it to you.

"Thank you for last night and letting me be your little girl one last time. I don't know where to really start — there's so much I want to say. I want to say thank you for all your hard work over the past 24 years. I know I'll always be your little girl. Thank you for loving me, for teaching me, for disciplining me, for guiding me, for watching me, for cheering for me, for being there, for loving each other."

Doesn't that sound a lot like what I've just been talking about? They get this.

"Thank you for giving me a wonderful friend and a great sister. Most of all, thank you for loving and teaching me about Jesus. Please know that Sarah Schrader isn't gone. There are times in my life that I hated that everyone was watching me. Girls grew up understanding you all watched everything — and you do. But now I understand God is gracious, and I don't want to be anyone else."

She goes on: "His mom always says she isn't a Schrader, she just married one." I don't know what that means, but I think that's a shot. I don't understand that sentence, and she doesn't say it when I'm there — she must say it to him in private.

"I love you both very much, and I always will be Sarah Ann Schrader. I praise the Lord for you. P.S. Thank you for never giving up on me."

It Is Worth It

I want to close, because there are a thousand emotions running through the room right now. The point here is to encourage you. For those of you in the middle of this, or at the beginning of this, or in those high school years — I am here to tell you it is worth it. I know it is tough. I know it is difficult. I know it is trying. I am telling you it is worth it.

You may never get a note like that. You may never get a thank you. It is still worth it, because you can stand before the Lord knowing you have done what is right.

A Word to the Students

Let me take a moment to speak directly to the junior high and high school students here. Your parents love you. They may not always know how to show it, and they may not always show it, and they may screw it up and not get it right — but they love you, and they care for you. Your responsibility is not to write comment cards on their parenting. Your responsibility is to obey your parents. Their authority comes from the Lord, and when you obey them, you obey Him.

I also want you to understand that we are here not to replace parents, but to supplement them. We do that from birth. On a typical Sunday we have 1,000 kids from birth through fifth grade, 500 kids at junior high and high school — 1,500 kids on this campus. It is very important for you to understand that we are here to reinforce the things you are already telling your kids. And kids, your parents love you, and we love you. While this is difficult because it demands consistency, we want what is best for you.

Closing Prayer

Pray with me, would you please?

Father, thank You for this day and for this time. Thank You for the awesome privilege of having and raising kids. God, we know that we will mess it up. When we do, give us the courage to confess it. God, I pray for the students who are here. I know that life can be tough and it doesn't always seem fair. So God, I pray that they would run for comfort — not to a friend who would give them worldly advice, not to sex or drugs or rebellion, but that they would run to You. And that You would wrap them in Your arms and love them. God, let us love one another. Let us do it in Jesus' name. Amen.