True Friendship
Tom Shrader walks through 1 Samuel 20, where David and Jonathan's covenant friendship serves as a model of deep, self-giving love that goes far beyond casual acquaintance. Drawing on Proverbs 17:17 and 1 Corinthians 13, Shrader argues that biblical friendship is rooted in unconditional love — bearing, believing, hoping, and enduring all things for another person's sake. He closes by calling listeners to pray for and become the kind of trustworthy, covenantal friend that David and Jonathan exemplified, while grounding that ideal ultimately in God as the only perfect Friend.
“Humanly, our preoccupation is with having friends. Biblically, the focus is on being a friend — and that makes all the difference in the world.”
— Tom Shrader
Series: Samuel
Recorded: 2009 at East Valley Bible Church
Duration: 36 min
Themes: friendship, loyalty, love, covenant, trust, sacrifice, community, relationships, feeling lonely, longing for deep friendship, navigating conflict, young adult, struggling to trust others, mentor, new believer, feeling betrayed
Scripture: 1 Samuel 18:3, 1 Samuel 18:9, 1 Samuel 18:29, 1 Samuel 19, 1 Samuel 20:1-42, 1 Samuel 23, Psalm 5, Psalm 6, Proverbs 17:17, John 15:13, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Theological Themes: covenant love, unconditional love, agape, biblical friendship, sanctification, self-giving love, God as friend, scriptural model
Full Transcript
Introduction: David and Jonathan
Two weeks ago, Tim was dealing with Saul in chapter 19. Saul is the king, and he has decided that he is going to destroy David. We are told back in chapter 18, verse 9, that Saul looked at David with suspicion from that day on. A little bit later, in chapter 18, verse 29, that Saul was David's enemy continually.
Saul is driven by jealousy. The people responded to David more so than Saul — it is not even that they pushed Saul away, they embraced David. In the midst of this, Saul determined that he would somehow eliminate David as an opponent. He would try to do it subtly, try to get somebody else to do it, and if need be, he would do it himself.
A Picture of True Friendship
When we get to 1 Samuel chapter 20, we have this amazing story of friendship — a deep friendship between David and Jonathan. These two have become a picture, a model, of what friendship is. Not only in Christian circles, but if you go to Wikipedia and type in David and Jonathan, the whole story is there, and the essence of it is a picture of friendship.
It is interesting to note that after chapter 20, until we get to chapter 23, there are only three verses that deal with Jonathan. We are pretty much done with Jonathan until he died. And yet this is a transforming relationship that these two men had. So what I want to do is make sure we get the essence of this story, but I also want to focus on genuine, real friendship.
The Human View Versus the Biblical View
There is a huge point to be made, and I want to make it now and again when we close. At the last Continuum — that is the women's ministry that meets once a month, formerly called Heartstrings — the goal was to summarize the year and preview the next year. Colleen spoke, and her topic was transforming friendship. I have listened to the recording twice, and I cannot improve on the practical aspects of what she gave you.
She talked about things like trust, long-suffering, communication, promoting the other person, slipping into the background, being brave, forgiving, and taking extreme measures. The application she offered is perfect. She began with a really good illustration, reading from Hallmark cards, and her point was this: Hallmark has a view of friendship, and Scripture has a view of friendship — and then she unpacks that difference.
Here is what I want you to see, and this is a gigantic point. Humanly, our preoccupation is with having friends. Biblically, the focus is on being a friend. And that makes all the difference in the world, because if I am focused on having a friend, the focus is going to be on me. If I am focused on being a friend, the focus is going to be on you — coming alongside from a perspective that says, I am here to serve you.
Look at verse 4 of the passage in front of us. Jonathan, the son of the king, the one who is rightly the heir to the throne but will be replaced by David — and he knows it — says this to David: "Whatever you say, I will do for you." That kind of commitment is far beyond what we would normally identify as friendship. That kind of commitment has life change attached to it.
When the girls were small, I remember one of them had one of those necklaces — the ones shaped like a broken heart, where each piece fits perfectly with a best friend's. We do have that kind of human, Hallmark description of friendship. But what the Bible talks about is a far deeper level of commitment that actually flows out of a right relationship with Christ.
Plunging Into the Story
In chapter 20, verse 1, David is trying to figure out what is going on. He says, "What have I done? What is my iniquity? What is my sin before your father that he is seeking my life?" David is talking to Jonathan and saying, I do not understand why he is trying to kill me. The implication is, at least if he knew what it was, perhaps he could fix it.
Jonathan responds and says, I do not think that is true. My father tells me everything — every great or small thing he discloses to me. So my father would not hide this from me, and I have not heard it or been in any planning meetings to destroy you.
In verse 3, David responds and says this: "Your father knows well that I have found favor in your sight, and he said, 'Do not let Jonathan know this, or he will be grieved.'" Here is what David is saying: your father knows that we are close, and he is not trusting you with this information. David is telling Jonathan, you need to understand that.
The Covenant of True Friendship
Put yourself in Jonathan's sandals at this moment. He's coming in and here is his friend David. According to chapter 18, their souls have already been knit together, and there is already a deep relationship between the two of them. In chapter 18, verse three, they had made a covenant because of their love for one another. These men are intimate in their commitment to one another.
We live in a world where all sorts of voices would suggest that this bond was something sexual. But what is knit together here is a profound friendship. It is entirely possible to have a deep love for another person and not have it be a sexual love. This is an unconditional love.
You see that love expressed in verse four. Jonathan says, in effect, whatever you say — you tell me — I'll do it. That sounds very similar to what Jonathan himself heard at his own time of need. Jonathan understands that David is in a deep crisis, and he is there to support him.
It is much like the armor bearer back in chapter 14, when Jonathan is trying to sort out what to do against the Philistines. All of Saul's troops are deserting, and the people are hiding in caves. The armor bearer said to Jonathan, "Do all that is in your heart. Turn yourself, and here I am with you according to your desires." He is saying, I have your back — you go, I'll cover you.
Have you ever experienced that kind of relationship? The word friendship almost trivializes it. Can you feel the energy that comes from it? You are David in the midst of crisis, trying to sort out what to do and where to turn, and along comes Jonathan. He does not ask for details. He does not ask for an explanation. He does not ask for a plan. He simply says, you tell me what to do and I will do it for you.
Being That Kind of Friend
That is transforming friendship. We are preoccupied with having that kind of relationship. The Bible says we need to be preoccupied with being that — with loving someone that deeply, with caring that much for another person. That is why it is so rare.
There is no shortage of words we use for friendship. A little research turns up quite a list: best friends, close friends, acquaintances, soulmates, pen pals, internet friends, comrades, colleagues, allies, friends with benefits, open friendship, roommates, imaginary friendship, spiritual friendship. The list goes deep. Each one even comes with a definition. A best friend is described as a friend with whom someone shares extremely strong interpersonal ties. An acquaintance is a friend without shared emotional ties. And so it goes, on and on.
Whatever those categories are worth, what is being described here between David and Jonathan is something else entirely. It is a deep love of one person for another — more than an implied or merely understood love.
The Test and the Covenant Word
David lays out a test in verse five. The following day is the feast of the new moon, and Saul will be holding a dinner. David's seat will be empty. Jonathan is to tell his father that David had to go to Bethlehem to be with his family. If Saul responds well, David will know he is safe. If Saul is angry, David will know that Saul has decided upon evil.
David then says in verse seven, "Deal kindly with your servant." That word — kindly — becomes the operative word of the passage. In verses 14 and 15, it is translated as "loving kindness." The word appears nearly 250 times in Scripture, and it is most often associated with God Himself. Woven into this depth of kindness is an idea of unconditional acceptance and love. David is saying, you deal kindly with me, for you have brought your servant into a covenant of the Lord.
This covenant between them is a formal agreement between two parties. It is structured and deliberate. But it does not lack emotion — not by any means. Look at verse 41 of chapter 20. The plan has unfolded, Jonathan has understood that his father truly intends to kill David, and the two men come to a moment of farewell. "David arose from the south side and fell on his face on the ground and bowed. And they kissed each other and wept together, and David wept even more."
This is not some cold, sterile contractual agreement. This is a formalizing of commitment — a stating before God, with God as witness: this is my commitment to you. You begin to see that this is far more than a casual relationship. There is a covenant agreement at its foundation.
The Plan Unfolds
So the test is set. Jonathan agrees to it. But David then asks, how will I know the outcome? In verse 11, Jonathan says to David —
The Plan Between Friends
Jonathan said to David, "The Lord, the God of Israel, be my witness. When I have sounded out my father about this time tomorrow or the third day, behold, if there is a good feeling toward you, David, shall I not then send it to you and make it known. And if it pleases my father to do you harm, may the Lord do so to Jonathan more also." What he is saying is this: if Saul is trying to destroy you, I will let you know. And I want you to know that I am with you — that if he is going to destroy you, he is going to destroy me as well, because anyone who is an enemy of yours is an enemy of mine.
What a kind of friendship that is. And there is this vow: "If I am still alive, will you not show me the loving kindness of the Lord?" Do you see how God is in the middle of this?
The Limits of Human Friendship
Let me tell you something you already know: no matter how deep your human friendships are, they are going to fail you. You have two sinful people who have covenanted together. Think for a moment — what does this kind of covenant agreement make you think of? Anything you see in life? It makes me think of "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part." That is the kind of covenant we perform right here in this room, where we do almost all the weddings.
And yet we know — I am in one of those, and some of you are in those — that there are times when Susan fails in this, and she has let me know there are times when I have failed in this as well. Ultimately, this kind of love and protection and care that I need so desperately comes from my relationship with the Lord, not from another person.
David's Psalms of Pain
David is here in the midst of real pain. In a staff meeting the other day, we were praying and going through scripture, and I was thinking about this very scene. I was thinking of David as he pens these words.
Consider this. He has Jonathan. He has had people around him. And yet he writes: "Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my groaning. Heed the sound of my cry for help, my King, O my God, for I pray to You. In the morning, O Lord, You will hear my voice. In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch." That is Psalm 5.
Then Psalm 6: "Be gracious to me, O Lord." Listen to the pain here. "For I am pining away. Heal me, O Lord, for my bones are dismayed. My soul is greatly dismayed. But You, O Lord — oh, how long? O Lord, rescue my soul. Save me because of" — here is the word — "Your loving kindness."
That is the call we are to have toward one another. God knows that the only perfect relationship we will ever have on that other end comes from Him. But in the midst of this, He knows we need skin on skin — we need people around us.
The Signal and the Test
Jonathan and David make their agreement with God at the center of it, and they settle on a simple plan. After Jonathan's father reveals his intentions, Jonathan will go out into the field. David will be hiding. Jonathan will fire an arrow. If he tells the runner to go pick it up nearby, David will know it is safe to come back. If he fires the arrow beyond that point and says to the boy, "The arrow is beyond you," David will know he is not safe.
So away they go. It is time. David is hidden in the field — verse twenty-four — and the king sits in his usual place, and Jonathan sits down. Verse twenty-six tells us that nevertheless, Saul did not speak that day. He notices David's place is empty, but he thinks it was an accident: "Surely he is not clean. He is not prepared for the feast."
Then came the next day, the second day of the new moon, and David's place was still empty. So Saul said to Jonathan his son, "Why has the son of Jesse not come to the meal, either yesterday or today?" Jonathan answered that David had earnestly asked leave to go to Bethlehem, saying, "Please let me go, since our family has a sacrifice in the city and my brother has commanded me to attend. For this reason he has not come to the king's table."
Saul's Rage and the Farewell
Saul's anger burned — and notice, not against David, but against Jonathan. He says things to him that are not very flattering about him or his mother. Then, in verse thirty-three, he hurls his spear to strike him.
The second part of verse thirty-three is something of an understatement: "So Jonathan knew that his father had decided to put David to death." If he is going to throw a spear at me, I am going to guess he will throw one at David as well. Jonathan arose from the table in fierce anger. He did not eat food. He was grieved over David because his father had dishonored him.
The test comes the next morning in the field. Jonathan goes out, fires the arrow, and tells the boy to go find it beyond where it landed — communicating to David that it is not safe. In verse forty he sends the lad into the city. When the boy is gone, David reveals himself. There is this emotional moment we looked at earlier: they embrace, they kiss, they weep. It is striking that David weeps even more. There is a deep brokenness on his part.
God as the Bond
Then Jonathan said to David, "Go in safety. And as much as we have sworn to each other in the name of the Lord, the Lord will be between you and me." The Lord is in the midst of this.
Here is how Eugene Peterson paraphrases verse forty-two: "Go in peace. The two of us have vowed friendship in God's name, saying, 'God will be the bond between you and me, between my children and your children forever.'"
The Gap Between Having a Friend and Being One
We would be remiss if we didn't point out this incredible thing called friendship — this relationship that needs a great deal of definition. A guy came up to me one time and said, somewhat oddly, "Will you be my friend?" I said, "Yeah, alright." About three months later he came back and said, "You're really a lousy friend." I asked why, and he said our families hadn't been out to dinner, we hadn't vacationed together. I said, "Whoa — I thought you meant we'd go to lunch and I'd let you buy. I'm not looking for team travel or anything here." That man walked away, and I saw right then that there is a really big, huge gap in what a friend is.
If you're a child, a friend is somebody who will play with you. As a teenager, it may be somebody you hang out with. But as you age, you understand that a friend is a person willing to go to the armor-bearer, Jonathan's length for you — someone willing to be inconvenienced.
There is a gigantic difference between a preoccupation with having a friend and being a friend. If I'm preoccupied with having a friend, I'm obsessed with myself — what about me, what are my needs, here's my laundry list, can you meet them? But if I'm concerned about being a friend, it's totally different. I come not concerned about myself, but concerned about you — about what your needs are and how I can help you. When you frame it that way, it's a whole different perspective, and it's costly.
A Drastic Drop in Deep Friendship
Statistics bear this out, and I know it also from instinct and from spending time with people: we are seeing a drastic drop in real, deep interpersonal friendships. Recent studies show that over the last twenty years the number of people who consider themselves to have real friends has dropped by a third, and about twenty-five percent of people say they have a genuine friend. If you want wonderful practical insights on that, go to the website and listen to Colleen's teaching — she just nails point after point.
But I want to state the big picture for just a moment. The book of Proverbs, chapter 17, verse 17 — Solomon writes: "A friend loves at all times, and is a brother born for adversity." What the author is doing there is using a tool called parallelism, making a general observation and then expanding or explaining it.
In that one verse we see three things about friendship. First, a friend is one who loves at all times — they continue to love, they show love regardless of circumstances. Second, it is born for adversity — not my adversity, but your adversity; not you being there for me, but me being there for you. And third, it is like a brother, like family. The only way you can get out of it is to die. That is what Scripture begins to talk about when it talks about friendship.
Loyalty, Honesty, and the Cost of Real Friendship
This doesn't exist in a vacuum. The moment I read chapter 20, verse 4 — "Whatever you say, I'll do it" — I immediately want to ask about the ifs and the disclaimers. Scripture tells us it's important to have a friend who is loyal but also honest, and that the words of a friend, though they sting, are better than the kisses of an enemy.
A guy came to see me this week and wanted to kindly, wonderfully chastise me for something. Then I got an incredible email from him yesterday saying he wanted to remember, the next time someone came to him with similar comments, how I had responded. I consider the man an acquaintance and friend — not in the best-friend category — but what he says still matters. A friend is something. And the closest word I can get to it is love.
Jesus frames the context this way in John 15:13: "Greater love has no one than this, than one will lay down his life for a friend." My suspicion is that none of you have taken a bullet for a friend or risked your life for a friend — but you will risk at least inconvenience. I used to think people didn't want friends because it was awkward or difficult. I am convinced more and more that we don't want friends because there is a real hassle associated with it.
The One Twenty-Nine Text Message
Three months ago I had a cell phone with no voicemail — I didn't carry it or answer it. Now I have this iPhone and I can't put the thing down. I have it around all the time, charging at night right by the bed, and I've decided to leave the little bell on that tells me when a text message comes in. About every third night I'll get a text message after one o'clock. I got one last night at one twenty-nine in the morning, and the last line was: "Not sure what to do."
If you really care about a person — and I would say this is what a friend does — you have to take that one twenty-nine text message. You have to have those things around. You have to be willing to listen. Are you?
Love as Defined in First Corinthians 13
We turn now to First Corinthians chapter 13. You all know, the moment you hear First Corinthians—
Bearing All Things
When we talk about this kind of friendship, we are really talking about love. When I taught 1 Corinthians 13, I spent three weeks on verses four, five, six, and seven. In verse five, it says this love does not seek its own. Doesn't that sound like what we've been talking about?
When I taught verse seven, God changed my life. He is talking about love, and in his summary he says love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. If you want to put the word "friend" in there, I am fine with that. A friend bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
A Friend Bears All Things
A friend bears all things. That word basically means to cover, to support, to protect. A friend bears all things by protecting others from exposure, ridicule, and harm. Genuine friendship doesn't gossip or listen to gossip.
I hate the way we use our tongues. We love to rip people down. We love to destroy people. A friend refuses to engage in that and doesn't entertain it. Now, they're not naive — if someone comes with a serious allegation against somebody, you listen to it. But most often it is just frivolous conversation.
A Friend Believes All Things
In addition to bearing all things, a friend believes all things. This friendship is not suspicious or cynical. When there is a wrongdoing, a friend believes the best — the best outcome for the one who has done wrong, that the wrong will be confessed and forgiven and the Lord will restore it. If there is any doubt about a person's guilt or motivation, a friend will always opt for a favorable position. Believe the best, not the worst.
A Friend Hopes All Things
Even when belief in a loved one's goodness or repentance is shattered, friendship still hopes. When it runs out of faith, it holds on to hope. As long as God's grace is operative, human failure is never fatal. God would not take Israel's failures as final. Jesus would not take Peter's failures as final. Paul would not take the Corinthians' failures as final. You and I should not take our friends' failures as final.
A Friend Endures All Things
1 Corinthians 13 says love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. "Endures" is a military term — it pictures an army holding a vital position at all costs. It endures hardship and suffering in order to hold fast. Friendship holds fast to those it loves at all costs. It stands against overwhelming opposition and refuses to stop bearing, believing, or hoping. Friendship never stops loving.
Here is the closing paragraph from John MacArthur's commentary on this section, and it is just money. He writes: "Love bears what otherwise is unbearable. It believes what is otherwise unbelievable. It hopes what is otherwise hopeless. It endures when anything less than love would give up. After love bears, it believes. After it believes, it hopes. After it hopes, it endures. And there is no after endurance, for endurance is the unending climax of love." That is friendship.
The Rarity and Necessity of True Friendship
I am telling you, you simply cannot have many of these friendships in your life. But oh, do we need them. This is something truly worth praying about — God, give me one of these. Maybe two. If you are married, you would love to have a spouse like that.
I will tell you, there are so many things I admire about Susan, but by far — and this isn't even close — the characteristic most important to me in our relationship is that I trust her. There is not a chance on God's green earth that she would betray a trust. She would not take something I have told her and violate it in a million years. The result of that is we can have a much more honest exchange of ideas than we could have ever had otherwise.
That is what has to be at the core of this kind of friendship — an absolute sense of trust. Because when I trust you, I can be open with you. I know that information is going to stop there. I know you are not going to use it against me. I have some really dark thoughts in this brain, and I have no problem telling you that, because I know you do too. But I would never tell them to someone if I knew there was the slightest chance they would come back at me, or that the person would suddenly become suspicious and cynical.
Going Deeper Than a Hallmark Card
I have read a great deal about David and Jonathan and friendship. Though it is full of Bible verses and all of that, it isn't a whole lot better than a Hallmark card. We are talking about a deep level of relationship. Ideally, if you are married, you can have it with a spouse, and then you might find it with one or two other people if you are fortunate.
Why does that matter? Because God knows that though He is the perfect friend and He will never leave us or forsake us, we cannot get through this life alone. We desperately need those people around us. It is a worthy prayer for you to pray: God, let me be that kind of person. Here is one small tip — if people know they can tell you something and it will not be repeated, that alone is enough. They will beat a path to your door.
Closing Prayer
Father, help us see that amazing truth. I know today that there are people here who are absolutely lonely, who would love a friend. And for now, that friend has to be You, until You bring along someone here in the flesh. God, there are all sorts of hurts —
A Community That Prays Together
Someone stopped me this morning right before this service and said, "Will you pray about a healing that I need?" That is exactly why we have these people in the front here of the chapel and of the conference center. Those of you who need a staff person to come and pray with you, they are here — here to pray, to be with you, to serve you.
Closing Prayer
Father, I pray that You would move us. You would knit our hearts together, that You would give us a person or two in our life where we can covenant, no matter what. Imagine those words — to be able to say, "Whatever you say, I'll do that." Bring those people into our lives. We ask it in Christ's name. Amen.
Have a great week. We will see you next week.