Mothers' Day

Tom Shrader shares personal reflections and biblical principles on parenting in a Mother's Day message, drawing primarily from Ecclesiastes 12:13 and Deuteronomy 6:4-9 to argue that the most essential thing parents can pass on is a fear of God and love for His commandments. He challenges parents to take charge with consistent, loving discipline rather than friendship-driven permissiveness, to align their words and actions, and to make faith a lifestyle woven into everyday moments rather than a separate compartment. Shrader closes by urging parents to see their children as God's stewards entrusted to them, investing in their children's independence rather than fostering unhealthy dependence.

“The conclusion, when all is heard, is fear God and keep his commandments, because that applies to every person — so there are all sorts of things you want to pass on to your kids, but nothing is more important than that.”

— Tom Shrader

Series: Standalone Teachings

Recorded: 2012 at East Valley Bible Church

Duration: 39 min

Themes: parenting, motherhood, discipline, faith at home, fear of God, raising children, family, godly living, mother, parent, single parent, blended family, raising young children, raising teenagers, struggling with parenting, new parent

Scripture: Ecclesiastes 12:13, Deuteronomy 6:4-9, Ephesians 6:4, James 3

Theological Themes: deuteronomy 6, shema, fear of the lord, biblical parenting, stewardship, imago dei, sanctification, covenant family

Full Transcript

Today and next week for Father's Day, we want to talk about some variation of parenting. We've given each campus freedom in how to handle it. What I want to do today on Mother's Day is share some general advice, comments, and observations on parenting. I'll be honest with you — I don't know that there's much in here you haven't heard before if you've been around. If you're new, this is really good stuff, and hopefully you can learn from it and benefit.

Father's Day we're going to spend some time on the biblical view and role of manhood. I think we live in a culture, even within the church, where the biblical view of manhood has been lost, and that's one of the challenges we hear over and over again — especially from guys in the 22-to-32 range. We see a lot of guys there who, for whatever reason, just aren't growing up. They're still playing video games, may have jobs, and it's just a sad state of affairs. We want to talk about that.

In terms of resources, two books. Shepherding Your Child's Heart — some of you have been through Ted Tripp's work. The other is Give Them Grace, with the wonderful subtitle Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus by Elise Fitzpatrick. Both are great parenting books and resources. They'll order more copies this week, so you can reserve a copy, wait until next week, or call the bookstore.

Setting the Stage

What I want to do today is take 30 to 35 minutes and talk to you from my own experience — some general ideas about parenting. These are principles that Susan and I used in raising our kids. We did it well a lot of the time, and we messed it up some. I am under absolutely no illusion that Susan was the major, significant influence in the kids' lives. She spent the majority of time with them. I might have gotten best supporting actor every once in a while, but I was never under the illusion that I was the main character, though I had responsibilities.

Every time I talk about parenting, I've learned it's a difficult topic — it's a little like picking a scab. There are all sorts of theories and opinions, and the settings are different. Some of you today are here as biological mom and dad with your biological kids all living together. By the way, that now comprises about 12% of households in the country. So when you start to think about family breakdown and challenges, there you go. Then you have blended families and single parents. Some of what I share you may look at and say it doesn't apply to you, and I'm fine with that.

My intention today is not to give you the way to parent, but a way — the way that Susan and I did it. The scripture obviously speaks to parenting, although I'm not sure there's all that much that specifically addresses it. Certainly there are principles we can draw out of it. But a lot of parenting is really a combination of common sense, hard work, and basic understanding. It amazes me sometimes when studies are reported like big news and you look at them and think: you needed a study from Harvard to figure out that kids need their moms and dads to be with them?

You're in Charge — So Take Charge

The first point: you're in charge, so take charge as parents. A woman who helped found a parent support group called the Parent Engagement Network in Boulder, Colorado, commented on this. She said it's almost like parents have lost their parenting skills. They want to be the kid's best friend and make sure they're having fun, but what the child really needs is for parents to be parents.

That's one of the things I see more and more, and I think it's complicated — many of these points mesh together. As lives have become busier, as moms have moved into the workplace, as time together has become scarcer, a lot of parenting is now driven by guilt and driven by fear. One of the fears parents sometimes have is: if I discipline, I'll push the child away — so what they really need is a friend. To give you a sense of how far this can go, 47% of kids who smoke their first joint do so with their mom or dad.

When our kids were small, Susan and I took an awful lot of criticism for how narrow and defined our boundaries were, and how disciplined we were. But our plan was this: the boundaries were really narrow when they were small, and they just got wider and wider over time. I have friends who tried to reverse that — who started wide and then at age 14 decided to bring things in tight. That's not impossible, but it's very hard to do.

So we set a boundary, and if a child stepped over it — even just a little — we were right there and pushed them back. If you watch Dog Whisperer, raising kids works on about the same principle, really. That's why it's hard work: you have to be present and consistent.

Parenting Without Arbitrary Rules

We had, as far as I can remember, no rules, no curfews, we never gave them allowance, and they didn't have choice. That's very different than the way I was raised, and it's very different than the way many of you raise your kids. There are probably a bunch of kids right now thinking, hey, they didn't have any rules, they didn't have anything. Well, let me tell you why we could do that: we had really good kids. So before you get all over your parents, you need to understand what's going on.

Because of how we approached it, I'm just not a rules guy. I don't like rules — I hate rules. My view of rules is, if you're going to have them, you're going to enforce them, and I didn't want to be enforcing a bunch of stupid laws and rules.

I tried to parent the way I would want my dad to have parented me — not as a friend, but as a parent. Take curfew, for example. My kids would come in and say, "We're going to go out Friday night, what time do you want us home?" Rather than just say midnight, I would ask, "Well, what are you going to do?" "We're going to go eat." "What time are you leaving?" "Seven." "What are you going to do after you eat?" "Hang out." "What time do you want to be home?"

I'd say, "Nine." "Nine? That's not fair. You eat in five minutes." I should have said 7:15, but I was showing them grace to get them to nine. They'd say, "Anything we're going to do by nine, we could be doing at seven." I'd say, "Then stay home. I don't care. You're not going out just roaming around like a pack of dogs."

Now, the same kid, literally the next week, would come to me and I'd ask when they'd be home. "There's a football game, the boys have to shower, then we're going to a movie." I'd say, "All right, two o'clock is fair." I trusted my kids. I never understood all these arbitrary rules — that midnight is the curfew, or that you can't date until you're 16. What if they're 16 and not ready to date? I know 30-year-olds who shouldn't be dating. Why does turning 16 automatically mean a kid is ready? That never made sense to me.

Values Are Caught and Taught

Values are — and you know this — caught and taught. Therefore your words and actions need to match up, and you need to allow your kids to see you living out those values. One of the best things you can do for your kids is love one another. They should see hugs and kisses, even embarrassingly affectionate moments, where they say, "Mom, Dad, get a room." Our response: "We've got a room — a whole house. We just can't wait till then." Look at your mom. Your mom looks great. That's the kind of thing that gives kids security.

One of our kids came home one day and asked, "Do you think you and mom will get divorced?" I thought, what on earth is your mom telling you? But it wasn't that at all. She had just heard about so many divorces in her class that she assumed this was an epidemic that everyone experienced. That question revealed the security she felt at home — and by the way, that security means you have to communicate carefully.

One of the nicest things anyone ever said to me came from Jerry Smith, someone I met with regularly for many years. After 25 years of very intimate conversations, he said, "I've never heard you say a critical thing about Susan." I believe my kids would say the same. If you're dealing with a situation and you tell your child, "Yeah, I get it, your dad's kind of dumb and I wouldn't do it this way, but you know how he is" — you have castrated your husband as he tries to lead the family, and that makes things very, very difficult. Remember to live in the roles that God gives you.

Leading Without Provoking

Ladies, you know what your role means in terms of love, care, and support. Gentlemen, your role means to lead — not in a "me Tarzan, you Jane" way, but to genuinely lead. There is not much in Scripture specifically on this point, but what we do have is Ephesians chapter 6, verse 4: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger." Notice it's specific to fathers — it doesn't say parents. That's because men have a tendency to do exactly that. Things aren't going well at the office, so you come home, and the first person you see is one of the kids. You have absolute authority and domain over them, so you tend to take it out on them.

I know all sorts of kids who have gone off in rebellion. That is ultimately their responsibility — they need to deal with it. But looking at it humanly, you could often see it coming. They were parented toward rebellion. Either the parents were so tight that the child couldn't breathe, or so loose that the child's mind was wide open and anything that came in one ear went straight out the other. There was never the space to let that kid be loved, nurtured, and served.

Keeping the Marriage Central

I would tell our girls, "How many people are in our family?" "Four." "No. Two — Mom and me. You two came in for what I'm sure is going to be a limited engagement, and then you're gone." I love your mom more than I love you. I love you a lot, but I love her more. I chose her. I didn't have any choice with you — I was stuck with you, and I'm good about it, but that's exactly how it is.

Sarah, when she was around 21 or 22, built her own house and moved out. Haley would have been happy living at home forever — and then she met Tyler, and that was the end of that. I remember when Haley moved out, thinking, "Holy cow, it's the two of us forever." I was really glad that I had stayed in close relationship with Susan along the way, and that the kids got to see that.

The Most Important Thing to Teach Your Children

There is a whole bunch of stuff you want to teach your kids, but nothing is more important than Ecclesiastes 12:13. Solomon, at the end of his life, writes: "The conclusion, when

Passing on What Matters Most

"Fear God and keep His commandments" applies to every person. There are all sorts of things parents want to pass on to their kids. Dads will say, "I'm going to teach my boy to fish," or "I'm going to teach my boy to play baseball." That's all fine. But the big thing to teach them is to fear God and keep His commandments — to understand who God is.

That is done through relationship, time, involvement, and participation in their lives. Deuteronomy 6:4–9 is a passage we talk about all the time, but let me read it from The Message: *"Attention, Israel! God, our God! God the one and only! Love God, your God, with your whole heart: love him with all that's in you, love him with all you've got! Write these commandments that I've given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night."*

Turning the World into a Bible Lesson

This is really lifestyle evangelism, and it creates endless opportunities. Susan was an amazing mother and she did so many things, but the thing I look at and think, "Wow," is that she turned the whole world into a Bible lesson.

Each of the girls operates a little differently. I was down one night at Tyler and Haley's, and it was Jesus time — time to sing songs and focus on the Lord. I had been on the computer and started to play a song that certainly wasn't about Jesus, and Brayden said, "Stop. This is Jesus time. We don't listen to that now." I thought, well, this isn't working so well for me. That's not exactly how we did things, and I'm not saying one approach is better than another. But I'm not criticizing any of it either — that's your job to figure out.

Your job is to make sure they hear it. God's job is to make sure they hear enough so the Spirit can help them get it. If you have a dedicated study time and it doesn't connect with the rest of life, it's largely a waste of time — and you end up teaching your kids to segregate their faith from everything else. Susan made a trip to the store, a difficult interaction with someone who was rude or abrupt — everything became a Bible lesson. "What do you think God would have us do? What do you feel like doing?" — because what you feel like doing is probably going to be the sinful response. Tim Monn has a great line: the easiest thing to pass on to your kids is sin. You have to intentionally teach them what God says.

You Can't Teach What You Don't Know

Two obvious things follow from this. First, you can't teach what you don't know, so you have to know it. That's scary. When Jeremy talks about providing a packet of material, some of you are saying "Amen" because you already have a ten or twelve year old who knows more Bible than you do and you feel intimidated. Don't be intimidated — learn.

Second, and I speak on behalf of the church when I say this: it is your job to raise your kids, not ours. It is not the school's job either. One of the big problems today is that we are asking schools to be the child's parent. We look at all the things parents aren't doing and conclude the school has to do them. Now the school is teaching all sorts of things that may be fine and helpful, but meanwhile children can't read, do math, or know history. That's a generalization, but it's generally true.

The School Is Not the Parent

Teachers will give you great stories about this. A kindergarten teacher told me about a couple who brought in their son Bobby and said, "I want you to understand, I don't want the other sixteen kids in the class holding Bobby back. Bobby's gifted." The teacher noted that every one of the other sixteen parents had said the same thing. When she sat down with Bobby, he didn't know his colors. Now let me take some pressure off: I seriously doubt you have a gifted kid. The way I know this is that I've met you. Unless it all skips a generation, you don't have Einstein going to kindergarten. To send a child to kindergarten without knowing his colors — what are you doing? It is your job to make sure your child can read and write and learn the basics, not the school's. The school can help, but it starts with you.

The same principle applies here at the church. We cannot, in an hour and a half each week, undo what you do the other 166 and a half hours. We can play a role, and that role matters. You do want people outside the family to influence your kids. But we are here to reinforce what they should already be learning at home.

Your Kids Are Your Responsibility

These are your kids, not ours. We want to come alongside you and help. But I firmly believe that once you decide to have children, you enter into a kind of contract with them — a contract where many of your own wishes, desires, hopes, and dreams go on the back burner. This is your child to raise, not the culture's and not the church's. Since values are both caught and taught, it means you have to spend time with them.

Being Present

I don't know how old Sarah was at the time, but I was doing something on parenting, so obviously I was carried away with it. I said to her — she was about six or seven — "Do you need, with Mom and me, quality time or quantity time?" She said she didn't know what I meant. I explained that quantity is about amounts, and quality is where we're really talking and engaged. Here's what she said: "I need quality time, and lots of it."

You can't do that if you aren't together. You can't be a passive, part-time participant in your kid's life. I was coaching third-grade basketball — girls — and I thought I was John Wooden and we were UCLA. They thought it was a fashion show: what ribbons will we wear next week? We finished a game and I said, "All right, we're going to practice Tuesday." One kid asked who we play next. Another said it was the Brown team. Another asked who that was. Before I could answer — and these are kids observing the other team — one of them said, "That's the team where none of the parents come to the game."

I was talking to a guy the other day about his kid. He said he had just seen his dad at one of his games. He played high school baseball — that was his best sport — and then played local slow-pitch softball for a long time until he moved down here. He said, almost embarrassed, "I'm 26 years old, and hey, my dad's over in the corner watching." I said, isn't that amazing? But in a way, he told me, it was kind of cool to look out and see him there. I don't think you ever really outgrow that, honestly.

Pride, Fear, and Parenting

Here's something important: don't let your pride and fear of man dictate how you raise your kids, because they will. You'll do a lot of stupid things out of pride and fear of man.

There was a guy in the office whose wife had a baby around the same time Susan and I had Sarah. I was talking to him one day at lunch and said, "How's Biff doing?" He said, "He's amazing — he got potty trained last week." I thought, we are nowhere near this. So I went home, called Susan, said I had something to talk about. She asked what the emergency was. I said I wasn't sure it was an emergency, but Sarah wasn't potty trained — we weren't even close. She said we'd get there eventually. I said, "What do you mean, get there? Do you know their kid is potty trained?" She said okay, whatever. But do you understand? I felt like we had a kid who wasn't potty trained and that must mean something was wrong. She asked me a question — she was very good at questions. She said, "Is there anyone in your office who's not potty trained?" I said, well, there's one guy I'm a little suspicious about.

Why did it matter so much to me? Because all of a sudden, my child's progress was a reflection on me. When Sarah got her first Iowa Basic Skills test results, it was traumatic to discover she was essentially average in everything. I had to sit down with her and go through it. I said, "Okay, listen, we need to talk about this. Number one, this comes from your mother's side of the family. Number two, we can outgrow this, we can power through this." But what did I really care? As a parent, I think most of the time we want our kids to succeed because we don't want to deal with the hassle of failure — and because we want to be able to say, "That's my kid."

My biggest regret as a parent is that I never had any more kids. I never had a boy because I was afraid of what that would mean. I had two girls and I love my girls. But I didn't want the hassle of a boy, and I was also afraid I would ruin a son by trying to make him the hitter I never was, the quarterback I never was, the student I never was — all the things I never was.

Feeding Your Child's Passion, Not Yours

Here's the point: you need to feed your kid's passion, not your passion for that kid. If you were a big basketball player and your kid doesn't want to play basketball, then you find out what turns that kid's crank. One-size-fits-all parenting isn't going to work. Sarah and Haley are different, and I treated them differently because they responded differently.

Don't Parent Out of Guilt

A couple more things — we have about ten minutes. Don't let your parenting be driven by guilt or fear. If you're not there, or you're feeling guilty about things you didn't do, some of you are in catch-up mode. The tendency when you're feeling that guilt is that kids can smell it. They're going to work you and manipulate you. They'll say things like, "All the other kids get to," or "If you were a good mom," or they'll bring up something you already apologized for and use it against you. Once you show that "I'm sorry," they'll come back and say things would have been better if you hadn't blown it back then.

Once they light up that guilt, your instinct is going to be to substitute stuff for real, loving care and discipline. There's already pressure to keep up with the Joneses, and then on top of that comes the guilt. James Dobson says the number one mistake we make as parents is thinking that if we love our kids enough, we don't have to discipline them. Part of parenting is exposing your children to biblical truth, and that means there are going to be times when you have to parent them.

Can I read you what the expert said? I read this before, but I'll read it again: parents want to be their kids' best friend, making sure they're having fun, but what the kid really needs is for —

Breaking the Will Without Breaking the Spirit

Parents need to be parents — not their child's friend. Disappoint them in love; don't punish them in anger. The goal, and the earlier you pursue it the better, is to break their will without breaking their spirit.

I taught a parenting series at Grace Community Church almost thirty years ago. One Sunday, Susan and I came in separate cars, and afterward I told Sarah to come with me and Haley to go with her mom. Sarah said no. There were people all around, so I said, "Come on, honey, you come with me." No. "Give me your hand, let's go." No. I picked her up, and I spanked her. Now keep in mind — I had just finished teaching on parenting, and a crowd was gathering.

I said, "Come on, let's go." No. I thought, seriously, we're going through this again? I spanked her a second time. "Come on, let's go." No. I said, "Wow, you are so much like your mother." This went on for a while, and then finally she just gave me her hand and away we went. I never had that experience with her again.

That is exactly where children are going to challenge you — out in public, where it is most uncomfortable. They know. I don't know how they know, but they know. You have to be tough in the middle of it.

At the same time, you have to have humility, because you are going to mess up. I made more mistakes with Sarah. Part of it was that Sarah was a lot like me, and part of it was that she was the firstborn.

Be Your Child's Cheerleader, Not Their Critic

I came home one day and Susan met me in the kitchen. She said Sarah had been waiting for two hours and was so excited to see me. I went in, and Sarah handed me a report card — five A's and a B. I said, "Sarah, how can you get a B? How can you get a B?" I never got any B's. Of course, I never got any A's either, but we hadn't told her that. I walked out, and Susan was standing in the hall. She said, "Tom, that is as bad as you have ever done with the kids."

After a while I went back down, held Sarah, and told her I was really, really sorry. She said, "That's okay." I said, "No, I'm really sorry." And here was her way of comforting me: "That's okay — you do it all the time." I think that was her flesh getting back at me, to be honest.

"Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me." That is as dumb as it gets. I never told my kids they were dumb, ugly, or would never amount to anything. But I meet people all the time who were told exactly that, and one of two things happens. Either they accept it — "I'll never be anything, so it won't take much effort" — or they become hyperachievers. A lot of overachievers are simply little boys and girls who are still trying to make mom and dad happy.

If you tell a child they are dumb, pretty soon they believe they are dumb. I spoke with someone last week — a very pretty lady — who told me her father said she was ugly, her ex-husband said she was ugly, and so she believes she is ugly. You need to be your child's number one cheerleader.

On the morning Haley was married, she sent Susan and me a card. Part of it read: "I thank God for allowing me to be blessed by being a part of this family that loves me. You're my biggest fans and supporters. Thank you for all you did to make this day possible." The last line was: "Thanks for never giving up on me, even when I already had."

Here is a note Sarah sent me when she was a twenty-seven-year-old mother and wife, responding to some things I had taught in a parenting message. The last line reads: "I'm so thankful for having you as my cheerleader, my coach, my fan, and most of all, my dad. I love you."

I am not talking about blowing smoke. Think about yourself — don't you need to hear "good job"? Don't you just need to be noticed? You don't need a plaque. You have the ability with your tongue — it is James 3 — to build up or tear down, to construct or destruct.

Parenting Is an Investment, Not a Sacrifice

Let me bring this toward a close. Parenting is a long-term, continuing investment — and I chose those words carefully. Not a sacrifice. I want to be sick every time I hear a parent talk about all the sacrifices they are making. They are not sacrifices; they are investments. You may say, "I have a finite resource, so I am investing it here and not there," but it is not as though you are left lacking, because God is always going to give you everything you need. I give my children everything they need, but not necessarily everything they want. And that means really getting control of a family.

Providing for Your Family

The best daycare worker or babysitter in the world won't love your kids as much as you do. So when a mother goes to work, she is making an investment — and that investment comes at a cost. Working Mother Magazine did a survey and found that 83% of working mothers said they would rather stay at home. When we talk to men about not feeling fulfilled in their jobs, we have to ask: why would you expect your wife to feel any differently? What mothers say is that the reason they are working is not because they want to or because they need to, but because their husbands tell them they need to. Boys, it is time to step up and provide.

When Susan and I were married, we had no money. I ate on 78 cents a day — two frozen burritos in a microwave — and God forbid I drank tap water. That is what we had. We had one car, I drove it, and Susan was at home with one child and then quickly another, with no way to get out. We weren't even believers at the time, but we understood something that is not very hard to understand: what does a baby need? A baby needs Mom. Not a swimming pool, not a Jeep, not four bedrooms — Mom. And for those who think that is impossible, here is a revolutionary concept: you can put two kids in one bedroom.

Holding On Too Tightly

The reverse of all of this is holding onto your kids too tightly. Parenting is important, but I have been around many situations where I think parenting is overemphasized — as though it is the only thing you have to do. When you understand that these are not even your kids, everything shifts. Sarah and Haley are my daughters, and I will call them that, but in reality Susan and I always knew they are God's kids entrusted to us. We are stewards, not owners. Because of that, we never raised our kids to be dependent upon us, but dependent upon God and independent of us.

Haley is an interesting person — she has always been the last one to come around on things like rides and new restaurants, but then becomes the biggest advocate once she does. At Disneyland, we could not get her on the Peter Pan ride, which is about as simple as it gets. By the end of the day, with nobody left in the park, we finally got on Peter Pan and rode it all day.

About two years later, it was Splash Mountain. We talked about it the whole way there, and she agreed she was going to go. But as we got close enough to hear the screams, Haley started to waver. We went through the whole day and finally it was time. You put two people in a log, and I got separated from Sarah and Susan, so I had Haley. She was saying she did not think she could do it. I told her to sit down and hold on, and she grabbed me tight. We went through the ride — and if you have been on Splash Mountain, you know there is a small dip early on. She said, "Well, that wasn't so bad." I told her I did not think that was it, and that there was more to come. Then you hear the roar, you see the light, and it gets bigger and bigger. In those last few moments — from here to the piano — it was, "Hold me tight, Daddy, hold me tight, Daddy, hold me tight, Daddy."

That is really sweet when she is six. It is not so sweet when she is 26.

Letting Go

Fast-forward to Haley and Tyler's wedding. We had finished all the vows, taken communion, and they were singing. I had done my part and it was over. And in that moment I could almost hear her voice saying, "Hold me tight, Daddy." But what I had to do in that moment was look at Tyler and say, "She's yours." And I said to Haley: unless it is a clear moral issue where we can go to the Bible, if he says something and I say something different, he is right and I am wrong.

Growing Up

Let me tell you something we are seeing over and over again, and it genuinely troubles me. We are seeing boys who graduated from college living with their mom and dad. If you are 26 years old, grow up and get a job. If you say there are no jobs, find one — get three. If you are 26 and your mother is still doing your laundry, something is wrong. And if you are the parent allowing it, give them a five-day plan to get out.

I notice it is a smattering of applause — it is the silent hands that concern me. But this is real: the economy is tough, and the answer is to figure it out and make decisions along the way. You may have to work two or three jobs. What difference does it make? You are 26, you have nothing else to do. No woman is going to marry a man who is playing video games all day. Grow up. As a parent, to facilitate that kind of dependence is genuinely wrong. Help your kids grow up — make them grow up.

There is more to say on the flip side of all of this, and we will pick up there next time.

A Prayer for Mothers and Parents

Father, we know that ultimately You are the Father, the perfect Father. We as parents will mess this up. Let us experience forgiveness, not just from You, but from our kids as we confess our sins and mistakes, and then You knit us together. God, I pray especially for moms today, that You would help them in this incredibly difficult task. God, we pray to You in Christ's name, amen.