Marriage
Tom Shrader presents six essential principles for a thriving marriage: unconditional vows, realistic expectations, unselfishness, shared dreams, forgiveness, and growing in knowledge of God. He emphasizes that marriage vows presuppose problems and require a commitment to meet your spouse's needs regardless of whether your own needs are met. Shrader argues that successful marriage depends not on your spouse's behavior but on your own faithfulness to these biblical principles.
“Marriage vows are unconditional - they presuppose problems and assume difficulties, saying 'for better, for worse, no matter what.'”
— Tom Shrader
Series: Miscellaneous
Recorded: July 23, 1998
Duration: 44 min
Themes: marriage, commitment, vows, forgiveness, selflessness, expectations, faithfulness, love, married couples, newlyweds, struggling marriage, husband, wife, marriage counselor, relationship problems, commitment issues
Scripture: 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, Ecclesiastes 5, Ephesians 4:28-32, Ephesians 5, Genesis 2, Romans 5:8
Theological Themes: biblical marriage, covenant relationship, sanctification, becoming holy, unconditional love, agape love, biblical foundations, christian living
Full Transcript
Marriage: Six Biblical Foundations
Next week we'll take a little parenthesis and look at two issues that I just had a chance to talk to a group of men and women about over at Forest Home. We're going to look next week at a study that Tony Campolo reported about where 50 people who were at least 90 years of age were asked if they had their life to live over again, what would they do differently? It just seems to me that's a great way to approach it and we'll look at that next week.
Today we look at the topic of marriage and the focus is on the institution of marriage. While I have friends who suggest the institution is in trouble, it seems to me the institution is fine. The people in the institution seem troubled and that's what we want to address today.
Just to help you so you're not coming and then listening to something and trapped again, if you attend East Valley Bible Church, this is the message we'll be doing there a week from Sunday and the message we do next week we'll do there August 23rd. I just say that so you don't walk into that church and say, "Oh man, I've got to hear this again" because that is so awful when you get up and leave. That hurts. That's painful.
The Genesis of This Message
This came out of an invitation that I received last February to come and speak one night, 40 minutes, on the topic of marriage and I thought how do you do that? Everybody automatically goes to Ephesians 5 or some variation of that and I thought I would do something. I was trying to figure it out.
At the same time I was getting ready to do a wedding and I thought that's what I'll do. I'm going to take the comments that I made at that wedding and just make them to you unless you were married by a justice of the peace or unless you were married in some civil ceremony. You heard words similar to this.
A couple of things. There were some single people who were there yesterday who really want to get married and I found this to be a very discouraging message to them and I told them that at the beginning. I said if you're single this will remind you why.
Why This Matters to You
One of my motives is very pure and it's this. Every one of you served the role of marriage counselor somewhere almost every week. Somebody in a restaurant, somebody at work, somebody that you're working out with, a friend, a brother, a sister, somebody's talking about marriage. A lot of times my advice is to ignore their advice and I say this because often times they're emotionally involved with you or you're emotionally involved with them so your view's slanted.
If you are of an opposite sex to the other person there's no way you're going to provide good counsel. You almost always screw that up and if it's a relative you have agendas all over the place. I have six points for you today.
Six points that I made in this talk at this wedding and they are absolutely rock solid. You may want to add something to the list but you don't really need to add anything to the list. If you follow these six things you cannot possibly have a marriage that fails. It's absolutely impossible. It cannot happen.
This Is About You
One more thing by way of disclaimer. As we talk about these, I'm just telling you, I think like you do. So as we talk about these, all these objections are going to come up in your mind. All these things are going to say, "If he did this I would," "If she did this I would," "You don't know him," "You don't know her."
This is not about, we're going to talk about marriage, very important. We're talking about marriage but this isn't about you and your partner. This is about you. It's not about them.
I don't want you to go, "Boy, I can't wait to get this tape because boy, my husband needs to hear it. My wife needs to hear this." We did a thing on Father's Day this year where I did what a woman really needs from a man. And since women buy more tapes and books by far, I'm not kidding you. We had it, it was the most requested tape we've ever done because all the gals were loving it. They couldn't wait to give this to their husband.
Well, unbeknownst to them, what I did when I bought the tape was put on side one a talk I just did, what a man needs from a woman. So we kind of did a little bait and switch on them. The talk they wanted was there but they had to listen to this one to get to it. And the reason is, I know how this works. You want to deflect this to the other person. We're talking about you here.
God's Design for Marriage
Six things. Here's what I said to them. At the beginning, we always do this little thing on marriage. From the very beginning of the human race, marriage is an important part of our history. Marriage is inseparably linked to God's original act of creation.
Here's what marriage is. I'll give it to you. I'll net it out. Marriage has three characteristics to it in terms of design. It's monogamous, it's heterosexual, it's permanent.
So when somebody says, "What do you think about gay marriages?" It really doesn't matter what I think about gay marriages. Here's what God says: monogamous, heterosexual, permanent. God designed it, so God defined it. And that's how He defined it. But that's not what we're going to talk about.
Foundation One: These Promises Are Unconditional
Here's what I said to them. You're about to take these vows, and here's some things that are going to help you understand these vows. Number one, these promises are unconditional.
In just a few moments, you will vow to have and to hold each other from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish as long as you both shall live. You will no longer be two, but you will become one flesh, and what God has joined together is designed to be inseparable.
Here's the first thing you need to understand. These marriage vows are unconditional. Now, any time we talk about raising kids, or any time we talk about marriage, there are all sorts of defense mechanisms that come up in the listener. Because many of you, this brings back so much guilt, so many problems.
In this room have been through divorce. This is not to somehow beat you up. This is not to make you feel bad. What we're trying to say is, if you're in a relationship now, grab this truth. The vows that you made are serious.
Ecclesiastes chapter 5, Solomon writes about a vow, and he writes it in the context of a warning. Here's what he says: "Do not be quick with your mouth. Do not be hasty in your heart to do anything before God. God is in heaven." By the way, this is a great thing to remember. God is in heaven, and you're on earth. "When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools. Fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Don't let your mouth lead you into sin."
In other words, when you vow, promise before God, God takes it very seriously. My good friend Larry Wright has a thing that he does in his marriage seminars where he goes, "Sue and I will never, never, never, never, never, never get divorced." When he does this, people go crazy. They say, "He shouldn't be saying those things. Satan's going to want to tempt him and break him apart."
Let me net it out for you. That's exactly what you said the day you got married. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, sickness and health, till death do us part. That sounds an awful lot like we'll never, never, never get divorced, doesn't it?
The Vows Presuppose Problems
Here's what happened to me. When I started not just reading these vows, but listening to them, the way I would approach the scripture in terms of listening and understanding it, something struck me in this. Let me read the vows to you and see, don't say it out loud, see if something just jumps off the page at you. Let me read you the vows again. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, in love and to cherish as long as you both shall live.
Here's what struck me. The vows presuppose problems. The vows assume the problems. They say for better, which would be nice, or worse. In sickness, in health. Richer, poorer. As long as you both, no matter what, that's what it says.
Life changes. One has said, every day the world rolls over someone who just a moment before was sitting on top of it. Every day things are changing, that I'm up, things are going good, business is going great. If I could just get, when business is bad, here's what I think. If I could just get my business fixed, everything would be okay. And almost always, the price I pay to get my business fixed is to flush all my interpersonal relationships so that when my business is fixed, my life is flushed. So now I've got to come over here, see, it's always in a state of flux.
You Picked Your Spouse
The vow, very important. I don't say they're unconditional and then you say, "But you don't know this guy." Let's get this out of the way. I will grant you this. Some of you picked spouses that I would never pick. I wouldn't marry her. I've been through this as I've, would I marry her? No, I wouldn't. But there were 2.5 billion fish in the sea and this is the tuna you picked. And you better understand this. You picked her. You picked him. You looked at all these people, and then I'll hear, "But I didn't know." That's not my fault. That's your fault.
When you said, "I do," at that moment, that is God's person for you. Unconditional. Better, worse. Richer for poor. I understand there's going to be problems. They presuppose problems. I expect problems. I anticipate problems. I know there's going to be difficulties. But I look and I go, no matter what.
Susan doesn't know much about me for certain. In terms of, I'm, in some sense, relatively unpredictable. But she knows this, no matter what, I'm there. There is nothing she could do that would make me leave. If she said to me, "Leave," I wouldn't leave.
If she said to me, "Are there grounds for divorce?" We know this. There's two biblical grounds for divorce. You know them. One, if there's sexual immorality, you have a ground for divorce. Two, if you're married to an unbeliever, the unbeliever leaves, you have grounds for divorce. I'm telling you this. And I know you're going to say, "You wouldn't know this," nor do I want to know it. But if Susan said to me, "I'll tell you what, Tom, I'm having an affair," that would not send me out the door. Would I have the right to go? Yeah, I have the right to go, but He doesn't say you've got to do it. She knows this, no matter what, I'm there. And I tell her that over and over again. Sometimes I feel like this is really stupid, because if she knows this, she may know it, but she needs to hear it. Our vows are unconditional.
Realistic Expectations in Marriage
Here's the second thing. Approach marriage. This is me talking to this couple on their wedding day. Approach your marriage with realistic expectations. Resist the temptation to expect your spouse to meet all your needs. It's not humanly possible. Only God can do that. Only He can meet all your needs, and He promises to do so. Paul commands us to let our gentleness be evident, knowing that God is near.
Here's the second thing. I've got to look at my spouse and this relationship with realistic expectations. This, by the way, comes into play in every human relationship. That means I've got to know what I want out of this, and I've got to define what it is.
I've got a situation once where there's this couple getting ready. They're going to be married. I'm not going to marry them, but they were out on one of the studies, and they asked if I would meet with them. So I met with them once or twice, I don't remember, and they were married a month almost to the day after they were married, the phone rang. There was a person just sobbing uncontrollably on the other end, and I had no idea. I said, "Who is this? What is this? What's going on?" It was this girl, and she said, "We need to see you," and I said, "Okay," and I rarely ask what it's about, and I didn't ask her what it was about. You know, it could have been a variety
She said they needed to meet with me because "this just isn't going to work." So I've been through this a few times before. The door opens. She walks in, and she looks like she's been crying for the whole month, which I would have expected. He walks in also with the look I expected, going "I don't know."
We went in and sat down, got everything calmed down, got the Kleenex, and did their deal. I don't even go to him first because I know that's not what we need to do to start with. I said to her, "Honey, tell us what's wrong." She said, "This isn't going to work." I said, "Why? Tell me what's happening." "It's not going to work. We've been at it a month. It's not going to work. I can tell you now it's not going to work."
The Problem with Undefined Expectations
We went through a bunch of stuff. I said, "Tell me what the problem is." And she said, "The problem is he's not a godly man. I thought I was marrying a godly man. He's not a godly man." So I said to him, "Are you a godly man?" And he said, "I thought I was until I married her. I thought I was a godly guy. But I guess I'm not. I don't know."
Now I know I'm done with him. There's nothing that's going to enlighten this thing coming from this guy. So you just kind of put him on hold. You go back over here and you say, "Okay, tell me about that. What does that mean? Why?" And she said, "Well, let me tell you how it's been for this month. We never pray together in the morning and at night. We only pray together at night. We never pray together in the morning. Just once in a while. We study the Bible as a couple only on Fridays and on Saturday and Sunday because that's the weekend. We never study the Bible in a small setting, intimate setting other than that. We're involved in church, but we're right now not involved in anyone else's life."
You know what? That guy's a godly guy. Here's the problem. And I'll tell you who screwed this up. This is very, very important. I screwed this up. Because here's what I said to her before they got married. I said, "Number one quality you're looking for in a guy." She said, "A godly husband." What I never said was, "What does that mean?" Almost every woman in here would say, "Forget all the physical and all the emotional and intellectual and all the other stuff. Get all that out of the way. I'll take that guy right there. That's godly enough for me." But see, the problem is it has to be defined. What's the definition?
In every human relationship, I've got to say this. Here's the problem. When you've got people in conflict frequently, here's what you've got: same word, different dictionary. They're saying the same word, but it's not defined.
The Need for Clear Definitions
A guy came up to me—it takes a certain level of fortitude to do this—and he said, "I don't have a friend. Will you be my friend?" And I said, "Yeah, I mean, I guess, yeah, sure." About six months later, he came up. He said, "You are an awful friend." And I said, "What do you mean? I return your phone calls. I mean, that's something." He said, "A friend is somebody who goes out to dinner once a week. The families go on vacation together." I said, "No, no, wait. I go on vacation to get away from people I know, not to go spend time with people I know." That's my personal preference. And all of a sudden it was same word, different dictionary.
You've got to have some level of realistic expectation in the midst of all of this stuff. And part of that expectation is to define it and then understand that that other person cannot, will not—let me go out on a limb here—should not meet all your needs. That need can only be met by Christ. It can only be met by the indwelling Holy Spirit. You've got needs. Those gut, visceral needs that you have, carried out to their logical extension, are impossible to meet humanly. God wants you dependent upon Him.
Susan and I did this. We're married, we're not a week into it—literally a week into it—and she said, "This is never going to work." And I said, "This stinks." And the problem was, I thought I married her so she'd make me happy. She thought she married me so I'd make her happy. It was like, for her, it was a total physical attraction. I mean, not total. I just saw Zorro, and I think I look like this Antonio Banderas.
Marriage Requires Unselfishness
So I got these expectations. She can't meet them. And in a sense, that's good. It flips right into the third point, which is this: Marriage demands that you are not selfish. Here's what I said: Marriage requires unselfishness.
Listen to these words in 1 Corinthians 7: "Let the husband fulfill His marital duties to the wife, and likewise the wife to the husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone, but also to the husband. In the same way the husband's body doesn't belong to Him alone, but also to the wife." Now, really important here, we'll spend a second on this. "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent for a time, so you may devote yourself to prayer and fasting."
Here's what He's talking about. The context in 1 Corinthians 7 is primarily sexual. God's got a lot to say about sex and marriage. Though this passage speaks primarily of sexual intimacy, the application touches all areas of marriage. You're now one. You're to set aside the concerns about your rights and the concerns about meeting your needs and meet the needs and wants of your mate.
So in this marriage situation, my object is to get the personal pronouns out of the vocabulary as much as I can. I don't want to be using words like "my" and "I."
I and my, except to say, I'm sorry, it's my fault, what can I do, how can I help you? That's how I use it. So marriage requires this sense of unselfishness. And you have to go into it without reservation.
This is why, and I always get in a little trouble here, and I don't mean it in any way, I just see it as a bad sign. For example, when a woman says, hyphenate my name, I want to keep my name. There's a new thing going on now. Here's what they used to do. Remember they used to have this unity candle? So you had the two candles, you know the gig. You have the two candles, you take the one, you light the one in the middle, that symbolizes your one, and you blow out the other two.
You go to the marriages, the weddings now, they don't blow out the other two. This is the new deal now. The new deal is to symbolize, though we're one, we're two separate people. I'm telling you what, you're screwed if that's your thinking. Because you're going into it saying, I want to keep my own identity. No, you don't. If you want your own identity, stay single.
Becoming One Team
Once you're married, the two become one. We're a team. You talk to me, you talk to Susan, you talk to Susan, you talk to me. We are in this thing together. This is tough enough without me having my own turf.
So should a guy have his own checking account, a gal have her own? I don't know. Seems to me like a gal ought to have five or ten bucks to buy a new dress. And a guy should have four or five hundred dollars for a titanium driver. But that seems fair to me. That's the way I divide it up. But no, is it nice? I think it is nice. I think it is cute to have this little mad money, have this little stuff tucked away.
But you got a real problem when you start going, that's mine, that's yours, that's mine. Label this up, that's my couch, I brought that in, let's mark the things I brought. Because what you're anticipating is there's a day coming when we're going to divide it. And it gets silly.
Setting Aside Your Rights
And I've got to get an attitude developed in my heart that says, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to set aside my rights. A friend of mine asked me a question not long ago that was fascinating to me. He said, I've watched you and Susan, we've been married 20 years. And he said, I've never seen you have a fight.
And Susan and I have had disagreements. But let me tell you how this works. Susan has an unbelievable ability, I don't know what it is. We can be in the middle of something, she goes to sleep. When she gets up in the morning, it's like it never happened. We have never had this gigantic blow-up that takes place over a period of a couple of days. Our kids have never seen us fight.
I'll tell you why. Because somebody backs off. We see it heating up. And somebody says, you know what, it's not worth it. When I do something really stupid and I do something that really hurts her, you know what she knows? It goes back to this first one. She knows that I love her and she knows I care for her. And she knows that I may have done something and it may be really stupid and it may be hurtful, but it's not how I really feel about her. See, that's a huge key.
The Danger of Fighting for Your Turf
If I'm in there fighting for my turf, I'm fighting for... We got in a deal the other day. We're laying in bed and I said to her, get your legs on my side of the bed. And she said, no, it isn't. I said, it is, it's bugging me. You got your knee, but you're bothered. Get that knee off my side of the bed.
And she said, well, it's your hugging pillow. Your hugging pillow's got all the room over there. And I said, no, it's your knee. Don't move. Don't move. I'm turning on the light because I'm going to see where you are in this thing. Don't move. So I couldn't reach the light and hold her leg at the same time.
But all of a sudden, she said, you know, this is just nothing more than what... You know, this is nothing more than just you carrying on from what you were talking about earlier today. And I'm going now, what was that? And then I said, no, I said, you're on my side. You know what she... Here's what she did. She said, I got to go to the bathroom. I don't think she had to go to the bathroom. I think she knew that we were about to say a bunch of really stupid things. And she's saying, this is really stupid. I'm going to the john and hopefully you'll either be asleep or come to your senses by the time I get back.
But see how that's stupid? And it's stupid, but look how it started. Get your knee off my side of the bed. There can't be a my in yours. I got to be consumed with meeting your needs and meeting your wants the best I can.
Meeting Each Other's Needs
Here you go. Here's the ticket. Because most people are going to go, yep. Here's the problem. I'll do it based on the fact that you're meeting my needs. I'll do it for a week. You can't avoid the sex part of this thing.
So really, gals, you need to listen to this. Guys, you don't particularly need to listen to this part. But this sex thing is huge in marriage. I want you to see, here's how He closes the loop here. Here's what He says. It's better to be single than married. Those are pretty strong words. We don't talk about this very often. He says you're better off single than married.
Here's why. Because there's no distractions so you can serve Me better if you're single than if you're married. That's what He said. Right? That's what He said. How do you debate? You can't debate it. That's why you don't answer. Now, He says, but if there is this sexual desire that needs to be fulfilled, then you go ahead and you take a wife or you go ahead and you take a husband.
The Importance of Physical Intimacy
Now, that's the premise. I get all this other stuff. We're rounding out each other's needs and we're back to Genesis 2 and all. Fine and dandy. I'm telling you, sex is a big part of it. Everything that Susan does in our house, I could find done by somebody else except the sex part. And the same thing she could say of me. So, as much as you want to diminish this, it's a huge issue.
Well, look at how God... He says, here's
How big it is. Don't deprive each other. In other words, don't stop having sex except by mutual consent. That's the two of you agree upon it. For a specific time for prayer and fasting. Now, look how smart God is. The next sentence is, here's why I'm telling you this. He says, here's why I say you got to have sex except by mutual consent, except for a specific time, except for prayer and fasting. Because, come together again so that Satan will not tempt you.
See how God understands it? He said, wait a minute, you got into this marriage thing because you said sex was important. You got into this marriage thing because you said the sex was critical. That's what you said. Because I told you it's better to be single than married. And you said, I can't stand it. I've got to be sexually active.
So now, I get into the marriage. We've got a really weird thing going on. We've got all these sexually active single and all these celibate married people. Exactly the opposite of what God says. God says, here's what. Once you get into here, it's time. And I believe this. Gals, I'm just telling you because the guy, he's ready. He's ready right now. He's pretty much ready to go. All you got to say is something like, how you doing? And he's ready. I'm ready. That's ready. That's my love language.
Freedom and Responsibility in Intimacy
The woman is going to drive this thing. The woman is going to determine, I think, the frequency and the quantity and the quality and all this stuff. But I think there ought to be great freedom in there. And I think God's given you great freedom in there. And unless the Bible says don't do it, I think within that sexual context, gals, guys, everything goes. So it eliminates the family pet. And that's about it. There aren't a lot of things in there that can't be involved in this thing.
The point here is in the context of freedom. The point here is in the context of sex that I have great freedom. And I ought to understand that.
Now, guys, I got to say this, this is all in the context of unselfishness. So I can't sit there as a guy saying, here's what you need, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. I can't be there as a guy saying, you got to do this, you got to do this, you got to meet this, you got to do this. Because my concern is to meet your needs. Gals, I can't get into a situation where I say, well, I'm not going to be involved sexually because you haven't met my needs. Because your job is not to respond whether your needs are met or not. Your job is to meet the other person's needs and to meet the other person's wants.
That's the key to the whole deal. It all comes tumbling down if I'm starting to do this on a quid pro quo basis because it won't work.
Share Dreams
Number four, you got to share dreams. I'm talking to this couple here. To this point in your relationship, you've communicated openly, honestly, regularly with one another. Don't stop now. Communication is the key to a successful marriage. You must continue to listen to one another, to share your thoughts, your dreams, your ideas, your feelings. This idea of where do you think we are? Where do you think we're headed? How are we going to get there? Where are we going to go? What's going to happen?
I think I've used the illustration in here, but it's so perfect. When Susan and I were dating and then when we were first married, we were talking all the time. And part of this is just the natural ebb and flow of life, frankly. We're talking, what do you think life will have kids? What do you think they'll look like? How short will they be? We never ask how tall do you think they'll get. We always say, how short do you think they'll be? Do you think they'll be smart? Do you think they'll be girls? Do you think they'll be guys? What would you like? What do you think they'll go to school? What do you think they'll do? What do you think will happen? Where will we live? Where will we retire? What will happen?
So we would drive to Tucson, and I mean literally, we would talk the whole way. We have the capacity to get in the car now and about Toltec. I'll say, you need to go to the bathroom? And she'll, and that's about the extent of our dream. I'll say, you want to get a cup of coffee? You want to go coke? What do you want?
When Dreams Come Alive Again
Something happened that drove this point home to me a couple of years ago. I came home one day and Susan said, look at the ceiling in the family room. And I looked, and there were water stains, and I said, the roof's leaking. And she said, well, I know that. And I said, well, did you go up and see what it was? And she said, no, I didn't go up and see what it was. I thought you'd do that. And I said, well, I'm not going to do that. Call the roof guy. I don't know who our roof guy is, but somebody we know will know somebody.
And so the roof guy comes out, and he beat around up there, and he came down, and he said, the roof's leaking. And I said, well, we figured it out. What are we going to do? And he said, well, you don't have a lot of choices. These roofs in here are all about 25 years old. They're the shaked shingle. They're all rotten. Every one of these are rotting. And the way that they're laid out is you've got some major changes that you're going to have to make here. And I said, well, is there something you can do? And he said, we can put some metal shingles under there that may help for a while. I don't know.
And then he said this. How long are you going to live in this house? And I said, I don't know. I'll get back to you. I said to Susan, how long do you think we're going to live here? And she said, I don't know. And all of a sudden, we started talking, and it was like all these dreams all over again. All of a sudden, we're talking
about, well, the kids are going to go away. Kids are going to get married and leave town. Do we want to have a bedroom? How many bedrooms do we want? If we're going to move to a condo or something, that's what I'd like to do. I'd like to just get out of here, I think, and into a condo. I'd like to just make one move to get there, and then the next call be night. And then the next call be 911 to get me out of there. That's kind of my plan - I'm not into a lot of movement now. That's where I am.
So now we're going, well, how many bedrooms? Because if the kids come home, and they've got the grandkids, aren't we going to want them to stay here? And I said, I wouldn't think so. I would think we'd want them out of here. And I've been through this already. So I don't know. So we're trying to think.
But here's the point. All of a sudden, it was all those dreams. All of a sudden, we're talking about our life again. All of a sudden, we understand that unless God intervenes in terms of something health-wise, we're going to live to be 75, 80 years old. We've got another 30 years of this thing. Where are we going to go with this? What are we going to do? There constantly has to be that read: where are we? Where are we headed? How are we going to get there? Or where are we? Where are we headed? Is that where we want to go? Huge deal.
Marriage Requires Forgiving One Another
Here's the fifth one. This becomes, again, a key important part of this. Marriage requires forgiving one another. Every marriage, in fact, every relationship provides infinite opportunities for forgiveness. In your marriage, there'll be mistakes, failures, even wrongs. Decide now you'll forgive each other.
Again, some helpful advice from the apostle. He writes, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building each other up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Get rid of all bitterness, and rage, and anger, and brawling, and slander, and every form of malice." Now here you go. Here's the Christian walk. He says, here's what I want you to get rid of. Take the bitterness, the rage, the anger. Christian walk. Get rid of all that stuff.
Here's the next verse. "Be kindhearted and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other." Now I forgive. That's what Paul says out of Ephesians 4. The end of it, Ephesians 4, verse 28. Here's what Paul's talking about in there, the Christian walk. He says, don't lie, but tell the truth. It's not just a series of don'ts. There is that. He says, don't do this, but I want you doing this. When it comes to this issue of marriage, it is critical for us to get rid of all of that rage, and that bitterness, and that anger, and begin to forgive one another.
I don't do this very often. I probably am more prone to point my weaknesses out to you than my strengths. I have some things I do pretty well, some things I do very well. I have one thing that I do world class well. I do it as well as any person I've ever met. I am the world's greatest forgiver. I love to forgive. I am a great forgiving guy. You can screw me over one day, and the next day, we'll start as though it were nothing new. I may be a little more cautious in my dealing, but I will forgive you, and forgive, and forgive, and forgive.
You know why? I know why. Because I didn't used to be this way. I used to be the guy that said, I don't get mad, I get even. I used to be the guy that said, don't start messing around with me, because you can't win that game. You'll never have another night's sleep, because you don't know when I'm going to come. You don't know when I'm going to get you. Every creak in the floor, every little twitch could be me or one of my guys coming to get you. I'll cut your heart out. You may be bigger than me, you may be stronger than me, but you aren't smarter than me, and I will destroy you somehow if you mess with me. In my own little way, probably a little bit intimidating in that way, I don't know. But I know this: what I was never going to do was forgive you.
The Key to Forgiveness
But something happened to me in March of 1980. It's the key to this. Here's what He says. "Be kindhearted, be compassionate to one another, forgiving each other." Here's the key. "Just as in Christ, God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32. I don't forgive the other person because they deserve it.
We got into some discussion the other day. Can you forgive somebody that doesn't ask? To me, we're just dancing around. I don't know, whatever. I know this. If I'm bitter and angry at you, and I harbor that bitter and anger at you, and I carry that bitter and anger around, it's going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you.
How do you forgive somebody when they've taken advantage of you? In fact, this ties it all together in the sense that, wait a minute, if I'm unselfish, and I set aside my rights, and all I try to do is meet my spouse's needs and my spouse's wants, if I'm just there doing nothing but meeting their needs, aren't they going to take advantage of me? Absolutely! They're going to. Let's get all the pressure off. Are they going to take advantage of you? Yeah, they are. Part of the deal.
Now, in the midst of this, here's what's even more amazing to me. As they take advantage of you, now you forgive them. Not because they deserve it. Not because they've earned that forgiveness, but because in Christ, look how He forgave you.
I happen to believe that the Bible teaches pretty clearly. And I think, my view, I think almost beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if you're a Christian today, you're a Christian because God chose you before the foundations of the earth. I think if you read that scripture, here's what it says. It says, before you were even born, God had a plan for you, and that plan included your salvation. That God's the one who initiated salvation from beginning to end. That God, while you... here's what Romans 5:8 says, "while we were yet sinners, Christ"
died for us. While we hated Christ, He died for us. While I spit in His face, He died for me. He forgave me. Not because I deserve it, but because He determined He was going to forgive me. And that's the attitude I carry in the marriage. I'm coming in saying, I'm sorry. I forgive. There's no baggage. There's unselfishness. Let's go.
Now when you look at this, it's like this in this Ephesians 4 section. Ephesians 4 here goes on to Ephesians 5, it talks about wives submit to husbands, husband loves your wife, slaves obey your parents, masters obey your slaves, slaves obey your masters, masters treat your slaves with love. There's a sense in which you read this where you're saying, I can't possibly do that.
That's why in Ephesians 6, He says, now put on the spiritual armor, because you're in the middle of warfare, pal. See, when you're in a marriage, you're in the midst of this, and you're laying aside your needs, and you're laying aside your wants, because you want to meet that other person's needs.
The Battle for Your Rights
There are a thousand things that are going to come along and say, I ought to defend my rights. There are going to be those people that are going to come along and say, I wouldn't put up with that stuff from him. I wouldn't put up with that stuff from her. You have sex how often? Once every six months? And you're five years behind? I wouldn't put up with that. He talks to you like that? I wouldn't put up with that. He doesn't take out the garbage? I wouldn't put up with that.
And all of a sudden, you've got all this, because the world's going to tell you, stand up for your rights. Especially in the context of marriage. And I think God says, do you have rights? Yeah. But here's the noble thing to do. Voluntarily lay them aside.
What comes screaming out of me is, I can't do it, which is my sixth point. That's to grow in your knowledge and love of God and of His Son, Jesus Christ. It's to begin to take this Word and study this Word and fall in love with this Word and care about this Word and let it be supreme.
Marriage as a Picture of Your Relationship with God
See, if you are in your marriage situation, my relationship with my wife is nothing more than a physical picture of my relationship with my God. There you go, guys. Don't tell me you love your Lord if you don't love your wife. Because you're supposed to love your wife as Christ loved the church.
Gals, don't start with me that you've got a great spiritual life and quiet time if you're not submitting to your husband. Because you're submitting to your husband is a picture of you submitting to your Lord.
When we're talking about marriage, we want to get into all this stuff. We've got these marriage problems. We're going to say, we're going to figure this out. We're going to define this. How did you do? What did your dad do? What did your sister do? Did you get M&Ms with peanuts or chocolate? We're going to take all these things and try to define them until we're blue.
I don't want to minimize that. If your parents locked you in a closet and sexually abused you, I understand there's going to be some harm with that. But even there, at some point, we reach the point where we go, you know, you've got to suck it up and get on with it. And I don't mean to be insensitive, but how long are we going to carry this around?
The Primary Focus
When we get to the marriage thing, netting it all out, I've got to understand that in this marriage, my number one concern is my relationship with my Lord. From that, it's my relationship on how I serve my spouse, and whether I get my needs met or not is irrelevant.
Here you go. How many times have you heard it? In every relationship, at every moment, you're doing one of two things. You are either ministering to that person or you're manipulating that person. At every moment of every time, in every minute, I'm either ministering to you or I'm manipulating you.
Here's what I've got to do. I've got to get a point where I'm worshiping my Lord and ministering to my spouse, and that's all I need. Now here's the deal. If I meet your need, and I meet your need, and I meet your need, here's what's going to happen. You're going to meet mine.
The Principle of Giving and Receiving
Somebody the other day said, I don't go to that meeting. I said, well, how come you don't go? They said, because I don't get anything out of it. Not speaking about this, speaking about something we were going to. How many meetings do you think I go to where I don't get anything out of? My whole daytime is filled with meetings I don't get anything out of. I've got meeting to meeting to meeting I don't get anything out of. Going into them, I don't get anything out of. I don't go into them to get anything out of. I go into them to bring something to it, and when I bring something to it, I get something out of it.
When you're saying, I don't get anything out of church, I don't get anything out of worship, I guarantee you, it's because you don't put anything into it. You ought to hit that church on Sunday. I presume you're going to church. I presume it's a decent church. You're going to that church. You're there ready to worship. You're there ready to praise God. You're there ready to adore Him. You're there ready to see is He going to speak to you through the message today? Is He going to say something to you today? When you put something into it, something comes back out of it.
Bottom line netting it out for marriage. My concern is to meet that other person's wants and that other person's needs. I'm into this thing forever. Susan and I know one thing. We aren't going to get divorced. We're in this thing forever. Now, we can decide that it's going to be lousy, or it's going to be status quo, or let's see how great we can make it.
Our object here is to not see your marriage survive. You know what started to happen that's kind of neat now? It happened the first time you were kind of taken aback by it. But I met with a couple about six months ago, and here's what they said. They said, we want to have a marriage like
When we get old like you and Susan, we want to have a marriage like yours. That's what you want. Not to survive, but to thrive.
How Marriage Thrives
Here's how that happens. You understand the vows are unconditional. You begin to move in an area where there are realistic expectations. I begin to move with an attitude that's not selfish. I begin to share dreams and forgive one another, grow close to my Lord, and at that moment, nothing can stop that marriage.
You've got two people together whose prime concern is meeting one another's needs. There's no way you can break that marriage up. That can't do anything but thrive.
"Oh, that's ideal!" Robert Young died yesterday and finally it's symbolic. We can put an end to this Father Knows Best era. I don't buy that for a minute. This is exactly how marriage is supposed to look. And it can look that way. And it depends upon you.
You can make it work even if the other spouse doesn't. Because it's not about them, it's about you and your Lord.
I love to stop and think, what's life going to be like? Fifty people who are at least 90 years of age said to Him, "What would you do if you could live your life over again?" Next week we look at that.
Prayer
Father, please take these truths, and we know in a room like this, we know there's hurt and pain. We know that this discussion brings up so many different questions. God, give us the capacity to listen to this truth and to digest it through Your grid, not through ours. Through Your eyes, not through ours. Apply it to our heart. Soften our heart. Break our heart. Let us meet the needs and the wants.