How to Empower People Through the Family
Tom Shrader examines the fourth institution God uses to transfer power: the family. He teaches that the mission of parenting is to empower children to become empowered adults who can relate to others and realize their potential in this life and eternity. Using the POWER acronym (Proficiency, Ownership, Work, Encouragement, Release), he shows how parents should make children independent of them but dependent on God.
“When you make them independent of you and you release them, they need you even more and more.”
— Tom Shrader
Series: Power Broker
Recorded: June 01, 2006
Duration: 46 min
Themes: parenting, family, empowerment, authority, independence, responsibility, encouragement, release, parent, father, mother, raising teenagers, empty nester, struggling with control, new parent, adult child
Scripture: Genesis 25:27-28, James 3, Genesis 25, Genesis 26, Genesis 27
Theological Themes: biblical parenting, stewardship, discipleship, sanctification, spiritual formation, godly authority, kingdom principles, divine calling
Full Transcript
Today's session 9 for us, 9 of 10, so we're winding this down. I hope it's been an interesting series for me. There's a little bit of frustration for me in that there's not the Bible that I would like to be in there. I like it when we get a passage and work our way through that. This seems to have a little bit less of that. Today, by the way, is no exception. It seems to have a little bit less of that, but it also has these nuggets.
I am surprised frankly and thrilled by the response to this series. It's been really interesting. People, I think, responded because there's just so much practical stuff to it and there are these little gems in here. Hopefully it's been helpful to you. If it's been miserable, you only have to endure one more after today. So it worked out for you either way.
The World's View vs. God's View of Power
Here's the topic and every time we get together, we do a little bit of a summary. Today is not the exception. The topic is power. The world says, listen, you get power, get people, get whatever you need, get the power, suck them dry, when you're done with them, that's it. You get it, use it, keep it, use it, exploit it.
God says, listen, I'm the source of all power. I transfer power to you certainly to use, not to abuse, but to use, but also to pass on. Now, how does that begin to flesh itself out?
What we said at the beginning is there are four avenues God uses to translate power. Government, we looked at that and that's probably the most difficult. To be really honest, that's the most difficult discussion for us because that's pretty hard to relate to. Work, we talked about that last week. I want you to get hands-on on this and we just take these principles all the way through.
Today may be, in some ways, the most easily illustrated of this principle because we're going to talk about family. So we're going to talk about get this power, find out the members of that family, empower them, pass it on. Next week, we're going to talk about an organization that you all ought to be part of. If you're not, you need to understand that it should be a crucial part of your life and that's church.
The POWER Acronym
When we talked about power, we said here's this little acronym. P is for proficiency. That is me being in the right person at the right place. It's understanding that God made you a certain way. Although I think God can transform lives, He tends to not change personalities. He may change behavior. I can speak for my own life and I was an absolute mess. All the stuff that you associate with being a mess and God stopped that. December 11th, 1980, last time I had a drink and just all sorts of other stuff that I used to do behaviorally that are gone.
But there's kind of that behavior mindset behind it. I'm kind of compulsive. I'm moderately competitive. I have some issues. As I've said it a million times, the only thing I've ever done in moderation is work. Everything else I do to excess. That's just the way I am. Well, I see that and I see what God's done with that as it relates, for example, to teaching and reading and understanding. Throwing myself into that. So right person, right place. When you're doing something, remember what we said? What you can do, what you want to do, what you're paid to do or you have the authority to do, bam, you're in that zone.
Ownership: A Revolutionary Principle
Ownership. This is a revolutionary principle. This will radically change your life. When you get this, you will never be the same. Ownership. God transfers temporary possession to you of all your assets, time, energy, effort, and money, but not ownership. You're a manager. You're a steward. You aren't an owner.
So when I'm starting to figure out my life, I'm trying to figure out what am I going to do? I'm trying to figure out this day, this time, this 24-hour period, what am I going to do with this? That's something you need to steward. When we typically hear steward, you put your hands in your pocket and grab your wallet, make sure we don't talk about money. Well, listen, relax. That's part of it, by the way. That's part of it. If your dough is not flowing where you say your heart is, then you got an issue, but since that could get in the way and be an obstacle to you hearing this, I'm talking about your time and your energy.
I seem to have, this is my sense, a little less energy than I had five or six years ago, and I'm starting to say, you know what? I can't afford to spend that much time and energy on this project because this is more important. I find myself having to more and more frequently say no to really good things so that I can do the great things.
Work and Encouragement
Work. You need to have a meaningful assignment. You need to understand where you fit. You need to understand why you do what you do and how it works.
Then, E, encouragement. I was talking to a guy the other day, and he is a man's man. I never know exactly what that means, but he's a man's man. He's a tough guy. He is not a wimp. He's a tough boy, and he said to me, I really don't need more information to help me understand what I believe, but boy, could I use a little encouragement. I've just discovered the power of that, the power of the word, positive, negative, constructive, destructive. It's one of the greatest forces on earth, and that's what James says in James chapter three.
Then now, the last thing, because I can have somebody, right person, right place. They've got ownership. They've got work. They're encouraged. Now, I've got to release them to let them go.
Family: The Best Illustration of Power
Probably, in this entire process, so there's your acronym power. Probably, in this entire process, it seems to me family is the best illustration of all of that. What we're going to talk about today is we're going to talk about family, and primarily, we're going to talk about parenting.
Now, let me stop because some of you are going to say, well, I don't have any kids. I don't need to hear this. I'm out.
Well, number one, that would be rude. Number two, lots of conversations you have are with people who do have kids, and though they may look at you and say, "Well, you don't have kids. You don't know anything about it." You can say, "No, but I know somebody who's brilliant on the topic," and then you can tell them what I tell you, so there's one option.
It may be that you now have grandkids. Here's what I'm learning. I'm only six months into this grandkid thing, but I'm learning that I have a real opportunity here to shape this kid, to really have input in his life, not to replace his mom and dad, but to come alongside. I'm learning it already. I'm working with him. Every time I work with him because I want him to say, "Hello, Tom." "Hello, Tom," and he just smiles and shakes his head. "Hello, Tom." We were at the ASU game the other night, and I just took him for an inning, and I'm just walking around, and I'm just talking to him. I'm saying, "Look at that guy. He's a jerk. We don't act that way." I know he's six months, but I'm talking to him all the time.
As a grandparent, what you have is you got a little more money than you used to have, and a little more time maybe even than mom and dad, and you can really have an effect.
Different Parenting Situations
Now, those two categories are easy. There's another category, and that's those of you that are in the middle of this parenting thing, and every time we talk about it, it's like picking at a scab because it hasn't worked very well for you, and you just feel guilt. My intention today is to not dump more guilt on you, but maybe even help you understand why it didn't work the way it did or the way you'd like it to and maybe give you some concepts on how you can go back and even try to correct it, though it's very difficult to go back and undo it.
If you are somewhere where you're at the front end of this thing, and you're just having these kids, you are here at the perfect time. All you got to do is listen to what I give you here today and do it, and your life will be easy. I don't know about the last part, but all you got to do is listen.
The last time I talked about kids, and I don't want to damage this, somebody took a placemat and tore off this little piece of a placemat. It was a lady, and she wrote this and gave it to me, and I clipped it in here, and I use it frequently, but I save it here. She said, "The decision to have a child means that for the rest of your life, your heart will be walking around outside your body." The minute I have this kid, everything changes, if I'm any sort of a person at all. So I understand all that.
Those are just trying to set the table for today. Here's what I want to do. I want to go through, and I'm going to follow your outline, and I want to go through the points, and then at the end, we're going to show you that even a guy who's in the Hall of Fame of Faith, a guy like Jacob, can mess up the parenting thing. So we're going to kind of look at, what's it really mean? How do we get here? Why wouldn't we? If this parenting thing is so obvious, and these things are so clear, why wouldn't we do them? Those kind of discussions, very similar to the pattern we've had.
The Mission of the Family
Here's what we're saying is the mission of the family, as it relates to kids. To empower children to become empowered adults who are capable of relating to others, and realizing their potential in this life and eternity. Having kids who are well adjusted, socially adjusted. They're people who can get along with other people. They're paying their taxes. They're working at what God's designed them to do. They're getting ready to pass that on. They're concerned not just about the temporal, but about the eternal.
When Susan and I had Sarah, we were not Christians. And so we didn't really know at all what we were doing. And we sat down and tried to figure this out. Three months into Sarah's life, God saved me. And three or four months later, God saved Susan. When that happened, our whole view of raising kids really began to change.
And here's why. Because your Christian life should be affecting everything you do. Not looking for people who say, "Boy, I go to church on Sunday, but it doesn't affect the way I live through the rest of the week." If that's you, you're a hypocrite. And I can tell you, nobody likes you. Because everybody hates a hypocrite. This Christianity is not a box. This Christian faith permeates every area of my life. So all of a sudden, we said, listen, God's done this work in our life. What does God have to say?
Biblical Guidance on Parenting
Now, in spite of what you think, when you go to the Christian bookstore and see all of these sections on family and all this, the New Testament in particular doesn't give us a lot of information about family, really. If you want to really get to, "I'm biblical in this." Well, there's not a lot in there. It says, "Fathers, don't provoke your children to anger," and "Children, obey your parents." And we're kind of done, really, after that. Now, we get some Old Testament principles. So we're going to take those things, and then we're going to bring them along and say, well, what would I want to do with this kid?
Here's what Susan and I struck on. Here's what we said. Here's our mission. And I go back to what we talked about earlier. These aren't our kids. These are God's kids that He's entrusted to us. We've had to sit down with the kids over and over again and say, "How many people are in our family?" And they'll say, "Four." We'll say, "No, two, your mom and me. You two just dropped in, and then you're going to blow out. You're going to be here a couple of decades, maybe come back, we hope not, and then you're going to be gone. You're stable, you're doing your thing."
And that's where they are. Got two husbands, they moved out, now they're having their own kids. That's the way God designed it. And then someday, someday what's going to happen to them is then those kids they have are going to move out and they're going to be here.
I got to talk to the 20-somethings the other night. By the way, this is a great book title and I think I could do this book, but I'd have to work at it so it won't happen. Here's the thing: You are not the exception. You're not the exception. I know you don't want to hear this. I know you hate this. I know you say you won't, but you will. In about five years, you're going to drive a minivan. Oh, there's no way. Yes, you're going to do it. Or one of those really ugly box things, which are the same thing, utilitarian. You're not the exception to this. That's God's design.
So here's what we knew. We wanted to take these kids, make them independent of us and dependent upon God. That was our strategy. We want you to use us and need us less and less and less and need God more and more and more. Some parents can't handle that. That's a little too much. I don't want that kid to need me. Here's a funny little weird secret: when you make them independent of you and you release them, they need you even more and more. Our kids will call literally three and four times a day still. And that's because Susan primarily and God's grace did a wonderful job in these kids' lives. We have two wonderful kids.
Now I know that's not everybody's experience, but let's talk about these principles.
Whose Responsibility Is It?
Whose responsibility is it to empower the kids? Well, if we look at these four institutions we've talked about, it's not the workplace. It's not the church. We get people that have problems with their kids, they bring them to us and just kind of like fix them. I'm getting ready to take 875 junior high and high school kids to camp, right? And a bunch of these kids don't want to be there and their parents are sending them because they think we can fix them. And I'm saying, how can we undo in a couple of hours what you've spent 15 years doing? The job of the church is not to fix your kids or replace you, it's to come alongside. It's not their responsibility.
How about the government? I'm sure not looking for the government to fix this. Though they want to do it more and more. By almost any standard, we'd say schools aren't working. I mean, if four out of 10 kids aren't graduating, not working, if Ford is making a car, well, maybe they are, making cars and four out of 10 don't run, we got problems. If I got a school and I'm giving you 10 kids and only six of them get through it, it isn't working. And the answer is, we need to have your kids earlier. Now we want them at age three? I don't think so.
Here's whose job it is to make these kids and empower these kids and make them responsible: It's yours. You had them. When you had them, you said, this is it. Now, I'm not talking about child-based parenting, but understand what I'm saying. At that point, you put their needs above yours. That's the contract you make. They can't do anything for themselves. And that's the role that you play.
Disempowering Words
Let me ask you these. Are these words that seem empowering to you? Because these are things that kids hear all the time: My kid can't find his niche. Doesn't know where he fits. My kid's on his own. Nobody ever gave me anything. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps. My kid can't be trusted with any responsibility. He can't even cut the grass. My kid and I can't even talk without an argument.
It blows me away. I got to tell you this, because I have a lot of people, for whatever reason, that sometimes just use me as their priest, and they want to just dump their stuff on me, which is fine. Makes my shoulders stoop, but they stand straighter when the conversation's over, so that's okay. And they'll say, it's incredible with this teenager. I don't even talk to him. Well, that's your fault. If he just goes and closes himself in his room, take the door off the room. Take the stuff out of the room. Put yourself in an environment where you're going to force this kid to communicate with you. Make it miserable for both of you. Don't you just be miserable alone. You're the dad. You're the mom. Set the rules. That's not acceptable behavior.
Starting Early With Clear Boundaries
Now, here's what I know from personal experience: If you wait till they're 13 to do that, you got issues. When our kids were young, I used to get criticized pretty regularly that I was too strict with our girls, which I, frankly, never saw at all. But we had a lot of rules, in the sense that they were really tightly defined. Here were the boundaries. Do whatever you want in here. Step over there, you lose a finger. Then another finger. Then a hand. Then an arm. Somewhere along the way you'll get it. And this is how it did.
And I'm telling you, our friends would go, oh, they're just a year old. Oh, they're just two. He's just being a boy. No. Saying you're a boy is not a license to run around and throw stuff around and just act like a jerk. If you start over here and say, oh, I don't want to warp his little lid, and so there's very little rules of responsibility, here's what happens. Now they get older, and you start trying to tighten that down, it doesn't work so well.
We started here, and literally by the time they were 12, we had no rules in our house. We never had rules. I mean, ongoing rules. We never had a curfew. We never had when you're 16 you can date. Now let me just tell you, that's one of the dumbest things you could say. I know a lot of people who are ready to date at 14, and I know people who aren't ready to date at 35. And to say arbitrarily at 16, you become magic on that date. They give you a driver's permit, and we let you date. Stuck on stupid in my mind, but you do whatever you want to do. We didn't have those kind of rules.
We didn't have a curfew. That's what we would do, the girls would come in, this happened back-to-back weeks. Sarah came in and said, we're going out at seven o'clock, we're going out, what time do you want me home? I'd say, where are you going? She said, we're going to go get something to eat. I said, what else? That's it. I said, well, I've seen
This guy you're dating can eat in about 30 seconds. So you should be home at about 7:15, I would say, or 7:20. "Oh, that's not realistic." I'd say, "Okay, nine o'clock." "Nine o'clock?" I said, "Yeah, nine o'clock." And she would say stuff that your kids would say. "Well, anything we're going to do ought to be 11, you know?" "And I don't want you at 11. Anything we're going to do in there we could do before that." And I'd say, "Ah, Sarah, what are you doing to me? 7:30 then." I mean, no, this isn't working.
The next night she'd come in and say, "Okay, what time do you want me home on Friday?" "What are you going to do?" "There's a ball game, football game, the guy's got to shower, we're going to go to dinner, we want to go to a movie." And I'd say, "What time does the movie start? Twelve? When it's over, 1:30? You ought to be home by two." Now, to me, that makes real sense, rather than say, "It's 11. But that's you, I don't care, you figure it out." Here was my point: we started real tight and it just naturally flows because they learn responsibility. We created an environment.
Creating Connection Through Intentional Environments
I understood my girls didn't naturally want to talk to me, so I'd put them in two places and they would just talk. I couldn't get them to shut up. One would be in the car. Of course, they'd reach right for that radio and I'd go, "Oh, no, we aren't turning on the radio." They could not handle looking at that dashboard and not saying something, and they'd just start talking, whether it was about, "Well, look at that building," I don't care, and then we would go on walks.
I would take a pipe or a cigar—pipe was better because I was always messing around trying to get it cleaned and loaded and everything—and they couldn't handle it. They would just start talking. And pretty soon, they'd tell you about their whole day, and it started a dialogue. To this day, they'll call and say, "Listen, we're thinking about this, what do you think?"
When Does Parental Responsibility End?
I've heard that: "My kid turns 18 next week and out the door he goes." I understand it, but let me ask you the question: When is the parent's responsibility done? When the kid graduates from high school or college or turns 18 or he leaves home or he gets married? There's one sense in which it's never done. But the answer is, I think your responsibility kind of ends when you empower this kid and prepare this kid—prepare him for life.
What does it mean to take a kid and successfully parent him? It's when the kid says this, and I've got five things for you here.
Five Marks of Successful Parenting
Number one: My parents helped me discover my calling in life. My parents allowed me to figure out who I really am.
I have a young lady in a study, and she came to me and said, "I've got a problem, Mr. Schrader." I said, "What's your problem, babe?" She said, "My problem is I'm graduating from college next week." I said, "Well, that doesn't sound like a problem to me. Can you not get a job?" She said, "I can get a bunch of jobs." I said, "Okay, that's great. I don't see the problem." She said, "The problem is I trained to do this, and I don't want to do it. And my dad spent a lot of money on this, and he's going to kill me. What should I do?"
I said, "Well, number one, you should thank God you're not my kid. That's a good thing, because this would frustrate me. But here's what you should do. You should sit down with your dad and tell him, 'Dad, I really am grateful for you and your generosity, but I don't want to do this.' Give him some time to blow off some steam and talk to you about how much money he spent and all that other stuff. Then if he really loves you, he's going to say, 'What do you want to do, sweetie, and how do we make that happen?'"
It's way easier when you're not in the ring on that one, isn't it? I mean, it's way easier. I give these kids advice, and it's way easier for me when they're not mine. But that's right. I mean, you got to wonder when you spend 150 grand on an education, and the kid comes home and says, "I want to open a shirt shop." We could have done that four years ago, Biff, and we could have fed it with this 150 grand, but we didn't do that. But that's your job.
Providing the Right Resources and Skills
Here's the second thing: My parents helped me acquire the resources I needed, the skills I needed. And you know what that probably isn't? It isn't probably learning how to shoot a ball or throw a ball or do ballet. You got a girl that's 5'10", 175—she's not going to be a ballerina. That ain't going to happen. Why is she going through these lessons? It isn't going to work.
No, the resources they need for life. You know, if you got a kid and the kid wants to play football, I think you should make him play golf, too, or tennis, too, or something, too. You rarely see 35-year-olds over at the park tackling each other. I mean, that's not true. New Year's Day morning and Thanksgiving Day, right on their way to the emergency room, you see them out there.
Expanding Responsibility and Growing Independence
Here you go: My parents entrusted me with expanding responsibility. They let me grow. They let me develop.
I always get in trouble on this one: "Should my kid have a job?" I'll get that question. Our girls never had jobs. And Susan and I, initially, really disagreed. They didn't even have chores. I mean, now you're looking and going, "You guys weren't very good parents," and I got that. I understand it, because I said to Susan, "These kids need to have chores or something. We always had chores."
She said, "Tom, let them be kids." I said, "I don't even know what that means." She said, "Just let them enjoy life." I said, "But they got to understand what it's really—" And she said, "They're going to realize that when they get there." I said, "Is this going to work?" She said, "Yeah, this will work."
So I'd come in—and I don't want to be sexist here, but we had girls—and I come in one day, and she's teaching one to bake and the other to iron. And I thought, "Keep them out of the pool halls. That's not bad." So the next day, I'm talking—
to Susan, and one of them comes in and says, "I don't have anything to wear." And Susan said, "It's really good that you learned to iron the other day." Didn't have a chore, just kind of learned the responsibility. I mean, she's brilliant.
What are those jobs about in the teenage years? Really, responsibility, not money. And all of a sudden, I'm allowing them that freedom. I'm letting them make that transition. Here you go. My parents energized me. They encouraged me. They gave me freedom. And they gave me friendship.
The Right Time for Friendship
I have no problem that you are a friend to this kid at the appropriate age. I'm talking to this guy, and it's a guy out of one of the studies. And I just didn't—I mean, and you've got to know, I mean, I hope this doesn't sound bad, but I just didn't like the guy. I just didn't like the way he talked to me. I didn't know him. I just didn't like the guy.
But I have to be nice, and the Bible says I have to be nice. So I'm being nice, and he's talking to me and talking to me, and he kept saying, "My boy and I are buddies. My boy and I are friends. My boy and I are buddies." And I thought, well, this is driving me crazy, and I said, "How old is this kid?" Because he didn't look—he said, "He's eight." And I said, "Your eight-year-old doesn't need you as a buddy. He needs you as a dad. He doesn't need a buddy. He's got buddies. You dress alike and go to the park. This is stupid. You're not his buddy. You're his dad."
And you know what? If you're a dad and a mom, and you're raising kids, there are going to be times when they are not very happy with you, because you're doing your job. And there may be times when you aren't very happy with them, but that's the nature of it.
Now, as I go through these steps, and I raise them, and now I release them, I'm telling you what happens. Now there's a time to be buddies. Haley called yesterday, and she said, "Today's a big day, Dad." And I said, "What is this?" And she said, "Today we're putting the baby on a breakfast, lunch, dinner. We're changing feeding schedules. This is a big day. And I just fed him breakfast, and I think he's going to explode. He's never eaten as much food in his life. He looks like you, Dad."
So last night, I mean, I'm dead tired last night. The last thing I did was I went to the bathroom, and I said, "Did the kid explode any time today, because I didn't get a call?" She said, "I introduced him to applesauce today." Well, I mean, now you've got this friend thing going. You're always a parent, but don't go to buddy too soon.
Why Parents Don't Empower
Here's what we've done in these other things. If this stuff is so clear, why wouldn't you as a parent do it? I've got five reasons.
Number one, you were never empowered. Nobody did this to you. You had parents that just didn't get it. And that's a generational thing. If you go to my dad's generation, they didn't know much about having kids. I mean, they knew how to have them, but it was just different. It was just a different deal.
Most guys my age never heard their parents say, "I love you." And I know guys that are traumatized by that. And my point is, they told you they loved you every day. They gave you a place to sleep, something to eat. That's the way they did it. Their parents were even quieter than them.
Then you get to like my generation, and they now have some level of understanding and probably begin to do a pretty decent job. And the generation now are so concerned about loving and feeling and caring. And I've said it before, a kid going for a bike ride looks like Spartacus going in the ring. It drives me nuts. Let him fall down and break his arm and crack his head. That's what you do. I mean, I don't get it. We don't want anybody to have any pain.
Well, if you never had any of this, it's pretty tough to pass it on. But since you never had it, why don't you draw a line in the sand and say, "From this generation on, we're going to have family that functions."
Starting Over When You've Messed Up
Here's the second thing. You turn the process upside down. That's what I talked about earlier. You got it way too easy at the beginning, and now you've got a 15-year-old and you're trying to put restriction on him. You've got the toothpaste-back-in-the-tube kind of idea. It's just really hard to do.
Can it be done? Yeah, but it's going to be pretty painful. There's going to be blood and body parts all over the room. But you have to do it.
If that's you, and you've got this kid, and it isn't working, and you know you screwed it up, here's what you've got to do. You've got to sit down with him and say, "Listen, buddy, here's the deal. I screwed this up. I messed you up. This is my responsibility. I should have done this. I didn't. And so what you learned was goofy behavior. Now here's what I want you to do. Let's count to ten. I'm going to give you ten seconds to rebel. And then we're done, because now there's a new sheriff in town. And here's how we're going to do this."
When he hears it, he's going to moan. She's going to moan. She's going to complain. He's going to whine. They're going to test you, and you're going to be firm. But I'm telling you, that's what they're waiting for from you. They're waiting for you to be dad and mom.
The Problem of Delegating Responsibility
Here's the third thing. You don't get it because you've delegated the responsibility to others. Let me give you this. Wall Street Journal reports that 85% of the parents in the survey say that the school is responsible for teaching values.
In a public school system, and I love the teachers in the public school system. Some of them. Some of them aren't very good. Just like some pastors aren't very good. That's the nature of it. They're tenured, but they're not very good. But the problem is the system.
You're asking the system to teach values when the system is saying, "We're value neutral. We don't have a value," but you want us to teach values? And then you go, "How come this doesn't get done?" I don't need a
report or a study from Stanford to figure that out.
Elevated Priorities Above Kids
Number four, you elevated priorities above kids. This always frustrates people a little bit when I say it. I believe that most people don't love their kids. Really? How would you say that? Here's how I would draw that conclusion.
If I'm sitting with a husband and wife, and they're coming to see me because they've got problems, I'll say, what's the problem? You never start with a guy because he doesn't know. So you start with a gal, and you say, what's the problem? And she said, here's the fundamental problem. He doesn't love me.
So I'll say to him, hey, do you love her? Yeah. Well, he says he loves you. Well, I understand that. But he doesn't really tell me that all the time. Do you tell her you love her? Well, not enough. He says he tells you that he loves you. And then she will say this. He says he loves me, but he doesn't what? Show it.
I can't imagine anybody with the gall to say I don't love my kids. So the fact you say I love your kids, that's a pretty low baseline. I would say, would you show it? Well, what would that look like? That would look like a little self-restraint. That would look like me being willing to say, you know what? Maybe I'm responsible to raise this kid.
Love Must Be Demonstrated
I love the guys that say, I have breakfast with my kid, and I watch them. They'll come in. They'll set the kid down. They'll get the kid all settled. They'll get Him the crayons and the paper, and the guy will read the newspaper. And then he'll go to office and say, oh, I hung out with my kid today. No, you didn't. The kid was just there while you read the paper.
I take my kids to Disneyland every year. That's great. But rather than go on the Peter Pan ride, what's better is if you read them Peter Pan 300 nights a year. Well, that's a lot of work. That's my point, my friend. You don't love them. Because if you love them, you do what's a lot of work.
I don't mean to beat Him up, but it's His autobiography. When you read that Barry Goldwater autobiography, there's a real interesting section in there where he's talking about His kids. He's talking really about we go down to Colorado every year, and maybe the kids liked it. I don't know. My assumption is Barry did. They would do these big things every year. And then he wants to run for president. They say no. He goes anyway. And then he talks about being away from home. Then he talks about all this stuff.
Literally, like 12 pages later, he said, I don't understand why my family didn't work. I'm thinking, what, did you ghost write this thing? Did you not read the previous 15 pages? I can explain to you why it didn't work. I'm not beating Him up. I'm just saying this is just real obvious. You don't love the kids. Because if you love the kids, if I love somebody, they're going to know it. They're going to see it. They're going to feel it.
Placing Your Own Interest Above the Kids
Here's the last thing. You place your own interest above the kids. It's better for us to divorce. It'll be better for the kids. No, it won't. It'll be better if the two of you work it out. Well, it'll be, no, it won't be easier. The easier thing for you, every divorce I've ever been through has somebody who's selfish, and usually two people. It would be better for you if you were selfless instead of selfish, and you work this out, and you would put the kids' interest above yours.
I'm talking to a guy one day, and we're talking about this stuff. He starts to cry. He's 40 years old. We're sitting in a restaurant. He's bawling like a baby. So I get Him all settled down, and then I said, what? He said, when I was 20 years old. So now listen to this. He's 40. When he was 20, His parents who'd been married 25 years got a divorce.
He's 40 years old. So when you tell Him, because almost every time when somebody's split up and there's kids, I'll say, how are you doing? How are the kids? The kids are great. No, they aren't. They're getting a lot of attention now that they didn't get before. They got you trying to win them to your side and her trying to win them to their side, so they're pretty happy right now because they're getting a lot of stuff. They're on a sugar high, but they're pretty happy right now.
Most of the experts say it takes about 18 months to really begin to see the effects of this, and that's all because you're selfish. Are there exceptions? Sure.
An Old Testament Example
Here's an Old Testament. We only have five minutes, and I want to give you some solutions, but let me give you a great Old Testament illustration here. It's Isaac. When he's 40, he married Rebekah, and she was barren. They prayed for kids, and they got two. They got Jacob and Esau.
Look at Genesis 25, verse 27. The boys grew up. Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country. Jacob was a quiet man staying among the tent. Isaac, who had a taste for game, loved Esau. Rebekah loved Jacob.
Here's the problem. Do you get it? Twin boys. You got Esau, Mel Gibson, Jacob, Woody Allen. You got these two boys. Dad naturally goes, me like boy, tough like man, hunter. Just like you do. If I got a kid and he wants to play baseball, I like baseball. He's into the Suns. Great. What if he says, you know what, Dad? I really think Mozart's cool. You go, really? Why don't you talk to your mom about that? Now you got problems.
That's exactly what begins to happen. Jacob is loved by His mom. Esau is loved by His dad. What happens is the young boy, Jacob, cons His dad out of the birthright. He cons, first of all, His brother, who sells it to Him. Then he lies to His dad under the guise and direction of His mom, so much so that His brother comes to kill Him, and now he's on the run. They can read about that in Genesis 25, 6, 7, and beyond.
My point is these guys put the fun in dysfunctional, this family. Jacob ends up in the Hall of Fame of Faith, and we're talking about Isaac. We're talking about major players here. You're not exempt from
Here's what you need to do, and then we're out the door. Help your kid discover their divine design. What were they made to do? What's their gifts? What's their talents? Not what do you want them to be. What do you wish they were? What did God design them to do?
Here's the second thing. Give your kids what they need, not just what they want. That's really tough because they don't cooperate here very well because they just keep telling you what they want. I want this. I want this.
We were at dinner last night, and at the table next to us is a mom and dad, and I would guess this kid was about 10 or 11, and he was a punk. He just has punk written all over him. Got a straight hat to the side and all the stuff you do, but I don't care about any of that. He's got the attitude that goes with it, and his parents are saying, "We are not going to give you that," and I'm thinking, why are you ruining dinner with this discussion? I didn't get what the "that" was. I came in and wanted to go and say, "Pardon me, I missed the that. Could you tell me what the that was? Because that would make the illustration tomorrow morning better if you told me what that was." But we're not getting that. We're not getting it. It isn't going to happen.
And you saw the kid pout. By the end of the discussion, they said, "Well, we'll talk about it when we get home." What are we going to talk about? I thought we weren't going to get it. Are there enough bad lessons in this one little five-minute snippet at dinner that you can figure? And you want to know why that family screwed up? If they went to a real professional, they could probably really help them with this.
Protecting Kids from Idleness
Here's the third thing. You need to protect your kids from the addiction of idleness. This may sound weird to you when I talked about our kids didn't work. But what I'm saying is they may not work, but they need to be busy. They need to have stuff to do.
Sit them down and say, "Well, listen, here's what we're going to do, man. We're going to read this book." "I don't want to read a book." "OK, then we're going to watch a video." I read a lot, but I learn, I think, better in that. I'm telling you, you set these kids down and put on a video about sacrifice in World War II. And I'm telling you, these boys will watch it and listen. They'll moan and groan, but get them with their grandma and grandpa or an old neighbor or something like that and let them start to listen about what it was really like.
I think I told you this the last time, not this year, the year before when my parents went down, we're at dinner, all of us, the kids, the husbands, everybody. And I said to my folks, "When's the first time you ate dinner out?" And they were absolutely stumped. They said, "We didn't have restaurants. There were restaurants in the hotels, and there were like some around." And they said, "I don't know." Now we ask, "When's the last time you ate at home?" But when's the last? And all of a sudden, the boys are asking my mom and dad all these questions about, how did you meet in the war and all this stuff? Just set the table so that you can have this kind of discussion and you can get kids busy and interested.
Being Your Child's Cheerleader
Two more things. You need to become your kids' leading cheerleader. You need to be there and be there for them. I coach fourth grade girls' basketball. And so we're in this game, and we're done. We win. We won every game but one in two years. I was the John Wooden of girls' basketball.
We're in a huddle afterwards, and I said, "All right, girls, we'll be practicing on Monday." And one of them said, "Who do we play next week, Mr. Schrader?" And I said, because all the teams were colored teams, I said, "The brown team." And the one girl said, "Which one is the brown team?" And the other girl said, "That's the team where none of the parents come to the game." You don't think they're watching? That isn't even their parents. They're watching the other kids' parents. They need you there, my man.
And it is amazing to me. Let me give you one more. It is amazing to me that Bud Selig can sit in his office and schedule arbitrarily 80 home games, and you'll go to him. And if Curt Schilling's in town and pitching, you'll readjust your schedule to get there, but you can't get to a Little League game? What's that tell the kid? What's the message there? I can tell you what it says. Curt Schilling's more important than me. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. That's the message you're sending.
Preparing Them to Fly
Here's the last thing. And get them to that point of transition where you say, "You know what? You're ready to fly." This will sound really weird, maybe, but we have 24 ducklings in our backyard right now. And it's been really, I hadn't seen them in a week, and I saw them the other day, and man, are they getting big.
And it's been really interesting. When they first started, here was the mom duck, and those little babies, and everywhere that that mom went, these eight, nine, 10 little babies would be right with them. I mean, they were right there. If the mom went there, the babies went there. They were all over them.
And then after a while, they would get lost a little bit. And the mom would, and then literally, they would line up like ducks. The mom would be here, and there'd be a line. You know what I noticed the other day? They're kind of all over now. They're getting their feathers. And the mom would go over here, and one would drift over there, and the mom would go, "Wah, wah, wah, wah." And then this one would go, "Wah, wah, wah." And then if they got far enough away, they'd scoot back a little more.
But here's what I can see. By the time we're at the end of the summer, these ducks are going to be gone. That's my point. That's what nature's doing. That's what you and I need to do as we're raising kids.
So here you go. Number one, this isn't hopeless.
If you've messed it up, this is the path to get it right. It's going to be difficult, but it's worth it. If you never got any of this, and you know how much it hurts to not have it, you need to go pass it on. You need to break the cycle. It'll be difficult, but it's worth it.
A Word of Encouragement
Let me talk about something that always gets overlooked. If you're in the process of this, and you're doing a good job, can I say something to you you don't hear very often? Congratulations. We spend so much time trying to correct that we sometimes fail to encourage. If you're doing a good job, congratulations. Keep it up.
I know it's tough, but I'll tell you this. I know it's worth it. When we're talking about power, that's as clear an illustration of what we've talked about for nine weeks as we could have.
Looking Ahead to the Church
One more structure we need to look at, and we'll look at it next time, and that is the church. How does this work in the church? You're going, "I'm not part of the church." Well, if you're not part of the church, you need to be here to talk about it. But if you are part of the church, here's God's design for how this church should work. We'll look at it next time we're together.
Father, thank You for this. This is stuff that is difficult. If there are people who are listening to this, and they're just going, "Man, this hurts," God, let them know that I hurt with them. Let them understand that this isn't just some short, fat guy mouthing off. This is just talking about what really works and what I think You'd have us do and live. I know that it's tough. I know that there are reasons that it's difficult. I know that there are challenges, but God, remind us that it's worth it every step of the way.
God, remind us also that as followers of Your Son, Jesus, we're not alone, and we have a Spirit that indwells us. We pray that Spirit would empower us and encourage us. We pray this in Jesus' name, amen. Have a great week.