Reflections on Parenting
Tom Shrader provides practical biblical guidance for parents, emphasizing that children belong to God and are entrusted to parents for training. He highlights the importance of establishing boundaries early, modeling godly marriage, and being present with consistent attention rather than substituting material things. Shrader identifies ten common parenting mistakes including trying to live through children, failing to discipline out of fear, and not exposing kids to biblical teaching consistently.
“These aren't your kids - these are God's kids that He's entrusted to you.”
— Tom Shrader
Series: Miscellaneous
Recorded: 2002
Duration: 42 min
Themes: parenting, discipline, boundaries, children, family, guidance, training, stewardship, new parent, struggling with discipline, raising young children, grandparent, father, mother, family challenges, parenting mistakes
Scripture: Deuteronomy 6:4-7, Ecclesiastes 12:13
Theological Themes: biblical parenting, child training, godly discipline, covenant children, stewardship, biblical authority, sanctification, discipleship
Full Transcript
The Foundation of Biblical Parenting
Let me talk about parenting and share a couple of things as we start. If you have young children or you're thinking about getting married or you're thinking about having kids, this is really good stuff for you. If you have older kids, I think this is very beneficial. If you're a grandparent, I think this is great stuff for you to have at your disposal.
More and more parenting is being done by grandparents. Susan and I were at Cannon Beach last week at a family conference, and they said one of the phenomena they're seeing—and they're seeing it at Forest Home and other places—is that it's the grandparents that are bringing the kids to camp now. I have a little bit of a suspicion why. There's a good thing there: grandparents are involved. There's a bad thing: mom and dad aren't.
These are random thoughts. This was put together with not much sleep and not much thought—there's a great introduction that ought to light you on fire! I see now, having done it, I see how I could rework this into a pretty good talk, but I didn't change anything. I make some comments, and then I come back and talk about the ten most common mistakes that I see in parenting. Let this just be kind of a parenthesis in our relationship here, you and me.
Parenting Is Really Hard Work
Here's the first thing. It's so obvious: parenting is really hard. It's a 24-7 job. There's no job tougher in the world, I don't think. Part of it is, somebody said this, once you have a child, it's like a piece of your heart is out walking around. That's exactly right. There's an emotional part of this that I don't know how you get by. You're not designed to get by it.
It is extraordinarily hard work, and I believe your greatest asset in it, aside from the scripture and your relationship with the Lord and those things, is common sense. Now, the problem is, you and I live at a time when common sense is not so common. Common sense and hard work.
And this helps, too: these aren't your kids. These are God's kids that He's entrusted to you. They're not your children. I remember one time when the girls were small, it was after I'd done some thinking, and we were in the car one day, and I said, "You know how many people are in our family?" And they said, "Four." And I said, "No, two. Your mom and me have been through this thing. You guys are just moving on through."
I think that's become real clear to us. Some of you can understand that. That's become clear to Susan and me lately. It has dawned on us just recently we are going to start spending a whole lot of time together. One of us is a little more excited about that than the other.
Take Control Early and Establish Boundaries
Here's the second thing. And this is for those of you who have small children: take control early and establish boundaries early. When the girls were small, we used to get a lot of criticism from people who said we were too strict with our kids. And I never saw it. We were really defined, and the girls had boundaries. If they varied from that, there were consequences to it.
But I always thought that people respond better when there's consequences. I just think it's easier to give consequences to a three-year-old than a thirteen-year-old. And then you loosen the reins. I think in our house, we virtually had no rules. And imagine that: you've got a strict mom, a strict dad, and two teenage girls, and no rules. So you would think it's chaos. It's just exactly the opposite.
All of this is under God's grace. Doing these things doesn't ensure the right outcome. Let me tell you, there's people in this room that did all this thing, and then they go through this hardship. All I'm saying is these are principles.
The Beauty of Flexible Boundaries
We didn't have many rules. I'll give you a great example: we didn't have curfew. So here's what would happen. The girls would come in, and they'd say at seven o'clock, "Well, what time do you want us home?" And I'd say, "Where are you going?" And they'd say, "Well, we're going to go get something to eat." I'd say, "We'll be home by nine." "Nine?" I'd say, "All right, 8:45." "All right, nine o'clock." "How come we've got to be home by nine?" I'd say, "You're going to eat. I watch you eat every night. You eat in five minutes. I should say 7:15 is what I should be saying. I'm cutting you slack to give you nine o'clock."
The other side of the coin is literally the next night, they'd come in, and they'd say, "Hey, there's a ball game, and then the guys are going to shower, then we're going to go eat. There's a movie that starts at eleven, 11:30, and it's over at 1:30. What time do you want us home?" And I'd say, "Two." And I see that as perfectly consistent.
Whenever you say, "Oh, we've got a curfew at eleven," you've just done away with that whole ebb and flow. You just gave them two extra hours to get into trouble, and now you've got some rule you've got to get an act of Congress to move, to make a reasonable thing, which is to say, if there's a movie and a game, let them go.
I'm not big on rules, and here's why: if you're going to have rules, my word, you better enforce them. That's my view. So anyway, that's what we would do.
Now, some of you—and again, not necessarily in this room, but those who are listening on tape—you didn't have a bunch of rules early, and now you've got a fifteen-year-old, and you're trying to clamp rules on it. It's really hard to do. Now, if you're in that situation, then what I think you do is you sit down and you say, "Listen, buddy, I blew it. I screwed up, but we're going to parent correctly now, and here are the new rules, and understand that." But it's really tough.
The Security of a Godly Marriage
Here's the third thing: let them experience the security that comes from seeing a godly marriage. I don't remember which girl it was or what grade they were in—they were really young—but one of them came home and said, "Are you and Mom going to get a divorce?" And I said, "What in the world has your mother been saying to you? I mean, what are you talking about?" And you know this because your kids experienced it.
happened over the last two or three weeks. Two or three of their friends had discovered their parents were going to get a divorce, and they were asking, is that the norm? What they wanted to hear was no. When I understood that, I said, absolutely not. I love your mom. We've got some quirks we've got to work out, but I love your mom. I remember when Larry Wright used to say that Sue and I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever get divorced. People go, be careful. Well, that's the rule. That's the commitment.
Making the Best of Your Situation
Some of you need to make the best of your situation. You're not in a very good situation. We used to talk about Dad as a role model, and I used to say Ozzie. Now we've got to say Nelson because it doesn't work that way anymore. Hey, Ozzie and Harriet, not Ozzie and Sharon. But some of you have more like the Osbournes than the Nelsons.
Some of you are married to a jerk. He's a jerk, you're a jerk, she's a jerk, who knows, you're jerks. You've got problems, and you've got issues, and you married this person, and now you're converted and they're not, and you're in an awful situation. Here's what I'm saying to you: don't get out.
Just as I was pulling in today, this is the only day I listen to talk radio. I've been delivered pretty much from talk radio because all it does is frustrate me. So I just listen to Christian music basically, which sounds like a wimp, but that's what I do. But I listen to Rush usually on Thursday. Rush took a break, so I flipped over to David Liebowitz. David Liebowitz was talking about a new study that says if you're in a marriage that's a bad marriage, your chances of being happier in five years are to stay in the marriage, not get divorced.
I think that's absolutely true. It's to stay in there. It's to work the things out. You know that. Second marriages fail at a higher rate than first. Third at a higher rate than second. You're just trading your problems. Fix them. Don't just trade them, fix them.
If you're in a bad situation, then here's what you'll learn. That person isn't designed to meet all your needs. Your husband can't meet all your needs. Your wife can't meet all your needs. Only God can. Now you're in a lousy situation, so spiritually you're in a great place. You rely on Him. Hang in there. Let the kids see this.
Teach What's Significant
Here's the fifth principle: teach them what's significant. Here's Solomon at the end of his life. Solomon had it all. Whatever you think will make you happy, Solomon had. Whatever you had in your life, you said, boy, if I just have that, I'll be happy—Solomon had it. Wisdom, power, sex. He's the one that had the 700 wives and 300 concubines. I love to use that because I always get to use my line: that's the original 700 club.
He had whatever it was he had. So Solomon's seeing three women a day. Sunday's off. Three women a day for a whole year and he never sees the same girl twice. You're saying, oh man, if I just had another gal—he's been there. At the end of his life, with all of this, Solomon says this. You've got it in front of you. Ecclesiastes 12:13: "When the conclusion has all been heard, fear God and keep His commandments because this applies to every person." There's no exception here.
The Game of Life
A couple of weeks ago, we had one of the players from the Cardinals die. It's a tragedy. The last thing I want to do is do anything that would diminish from that. Here's a guy, apparently a great family guy, great teammate, great guy. The next day, the players are commenting, and after about the fourth comment, I have to admit, I chuckled. Because here's what they're saying: boy, this is a great reminder that it's just a game.
I guess they thought, well, we won't even play to win anymore, we'll just tie. That's what we'll do. But here's what they said: we're out of pitchers. One of those guys are going to hurt themselves. Whatever. It doesn't matter. It's an exhibition game. Who cares? The fact you paid $175 a ticket, what difference should it make to you?
Here's my point. About the fourth ballplayer says, boy, this has just taught us it's a game. And I laugh for this reason: that's the same thing they said September 12th. They just got done September 12th saying, well, we can't even play. And I'm not demeaning—we can't even play. This is so dramatic. We just went through this. This is just a game. Here's perspective. Remember, the next Sunday, the NFL didn't even have games. The churches and temples were filled. The stadiums were empty.
Here we are eight months later, and we're going, we needed a reminder. How many reminders do you need? How many times do you need to go through this exercise? How many times do you have to experience this? Here's Solomon. He had everything you say will make you happy, and he said this applies to everybody: you better fear God and keep His commandments. What that means to us is we better understand that word, understand who God is, and obey what He says.
Your Responsibility as Parents
The next three principles go together. You can't teach them what you don't know. That's kind of obvious. Really important, please get this: these are your kids. They're not mine. They're not the government's. They're yours. It's your responsibility to raise them and to teach them and to teach them what's really important, which is God's word, God's truth, and a relationship with a living God through His Son Jesus Christ. That's your job.
You don't take them to church and have church do it. That's your job. They're your kids. When you fill out your income tax, you claim them as a deduction. I don't. They're yours. Don't bring them to us to fix them. We can help.
Here's what God says: "Hear, O Israel, the Lord your God is one. You'll love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your might. Put these..."
things in your heart and teach them diligently when they sit, when they walk, when they lie down, when they rise up. What that says is you turn all of life into a classroom.
Nobody that I've ever been around did it better than Susan. When Susan had the girls there, she was teaching them constantly biblical truths through life experience. Whether you sit, whether you stand, you don't just teach them when you got a Bible open in front of them and it's a quiet time on a Saturday morning. You're teaching 24-7 constantly.
It's your responsibility. Please get this. This is your responsibility, your job, your mission, your duty, your privilege. I don't care what word you use, it's you. You're the one who's responsible for it.
Values are caught, not taught, which means if you're teaching them and they're caught, not taught, it means you say them, but you live them, which means you have to be with them. I was coaching Sarah's basketball team one year, fourth grade, I think. We finish a game, and I used to say, it doesn't matter if we win. We just got done killing this team. So it doesn't matter if we win, I said, all right, girls, we killed them. Now, I said, all right, here we go. Any questions? And one girl said, who do we play next? I said, the brown team. The next girl said, who's the brown team? And before I could answer, one of the girls said, that's the team where none of the parents come to the game.
Your Kids Are Always Watching
They're watching this. I'm just telling you, I don't care how nonchalant they are. I can't stand going to these high school basketball games, because these kids talk about attitude. These guys come out like they're Michael Jordan, and they've got all this action going on, but here's what I watch. They run to the back of the line, and I don't care how cool they are, their heads are going like this. And I don't think they're just looking to see if the cheerleaders are looking. I think they're looking to see if mom and dad are there.
And if you think I'm lying to you, go to a program with 100 kids, first and second graders on a stage, and when they bring them all in to sing, you know, "This is the book for me" or whatever, watch them. They come in, and all 100 of them are going like this. They're looking for mom and dad. They want you there. No matter what they say.
They Need to Know You're in Their Corner
The last thing is, they need to know you're in their corner. We have a tendency to think that life is tough for us. We're adults, we're grown up, life is tough. It is. You know, if you're a stockbroker right now, it's hard. I'm thinking pretty soon, if you're about anything, except airport security, it's going to be pretty hard. But I tend to be pessimistic anyway. But I think it's going to be really hard. Except for real estate. I keep thinking that's where the money's going to land this time. But I don't know that. I don't have a timing on it yet. But it's got to go somewhere.
It doesn't matter. I have a feeling we have a hard day. Do you understand, and my sense is you probably don't, a third grader has a hard day too. Our tendency is to dismiss it. These kids come home, and stuff's pretty tough. They need to know you're in their corner.
After Haley and Tyler left on their honeymoon, Susan and I found a card that Haley had written. I don't want to read it all to you because some of it, again, could appear very self-serving and I don't want to do that. But it was just terrific. You cannot see it, but she's covered every inch of this in writing. She's cramming everything she wants to say into this. And so this is a point where you're going to say something that makes it, I would assume that's important to you.
She said this, and she's talking about thanks for a lot of stuff and how much I love you and all that stuff, that you would kind of expect at that moment. This I didn't expect. "You are my biggest fans and supporters. Thank you for all you did to make today possible. Thanks for loving Tyler and truly making him part of the family. Thanks for never giving up on me, even when I had already given up on myself."
Isn't that interesting at that moment? As she flashes over all those things, she didn't write, "thank you for the big screen TV." She wrote, "thank you for being in my corner." Because there's just times when you need to know that there's somebody there who cares.
Ten Most Common Parenting Mistakes
All that, we got about 20 minutes left. Let me talk to you about the 10 most common mistakes I see, and let me give them to you. I'm going to put the first two kind of together. Correcting your failures through the lives of your kids, and then setting standards for your kids based on what others will think. Both of those are kind of driven by pride.
I will tell you this, and I mean it with all my heart. I look at my life, I've made so many mistakes, you can't even list them. But the greatest regret I have is that we only had two kids. I really wish we'd have had more. And I sensed that at the time, but I didn't know it. I mean, it's a hard thing.
I didn't want any. And I said to Susan, I said, I don't want any. Have you seen these kids that are around? And she said, ours will be different. And I said, no, they won't be different. And I can't imagine how empty my life would be without Sarah and Haley. It would be awful.
But I didn't want to have a boy. I am one. I know what they're like. I didn't want to have any of them. They're just awful, grimy creatures. And I looked at our life, and I'm going to acknowledge to you a very selfish thing. I looked at our life, and there was Sarah, and there was Haley, and there's Susan, and there's me. And we got this perfect family, and I think, I just don't want to screw this up. And part of it, boy, I learned a lot about Tyler. Tyler is a terrific young man, and some of you in the
room have had a chance to meet him and know him. He's an extraordinary man. Very gentle, very soft, and yet a guy's guy, baseball player, played baseball at ASU. He's a man's man. He's a natural leader. People follow him. But he became a Christian in high school, and I learned some things about him that kind of preceded that, that reinforced this boy thing.
I learned two stories that we learned. One of them, there were about six kids, and they're trying to figure out who's the bravest. So they've got a hill, big hill out in front of their house, so the contest is, we're going to ride our big wheels down this hill as fast as we can. So they go through it, and most of them made it. So they said, well, we've got to do something else. So they said, we're going to ride them down with our feet in the air as fast as we can. So a few dropped out.
Then they said, we're going to ride down with our feet in the air and our hands in the air. And some of them made it. And then Ty said, I'll do it with my feet in the air, hands in the air, and my eyes closed. So Tyler goes down the hill and hits a car. So as they tell the story, they go and get his mom, and he's got blood all over. His mom is going, wow. One of the kids went into their house and got one of their dad's bowling trophies or some trophy and came out and said, Tyler, you win. You're the bravest. I would add, not the smartest, but the bravest.
They take him to the emergency room in the hospital. The doctor that they get to stitch him up is shaking his head because the day before he'd taken a bunch of stitches out of this side of his head. So this is reinforcing this boy thing with me.
The other story that's my favorite here is that Ty and his buddy across the street got a BB gun. I don't know. They were 12 or 13. And they had all the rules. Mom, don't let anybody point at anybody. Don't let anybody walk in front. So they're out there. And after about a week of shooting cans, they're bored. So Tyler said, I wonder what it would feel like to get shot with a BB gun. And he said, well, Tyler, we're not going to do this.
And he said, I'm going to walk down here and you just shoot me and just see what this feels like. And he said, well, I can't do this. Tyler said, I'm going down here. I'm going to bend over. You shoot me and let's see what it's like. So as the story finishes, Tyler goes down about 30 yards. This guy's, as he's aiming, his mom sees this and comes out and stops him. And what makes me laugh is this, because I can see this in my mind. Tyler doesn't know that's going on. So Tyler's crouched down going, shoot me, just shoot me, get it over with.
I could use both of those to reinforce why I didn't want boys. But let me tell you the honest reason. I was afraid I'd screw them up. I was afraid I would try to make this little kid the ball player I never was, or the businessman I couldn't be, or in this case now the teacher I'll never. I was afraid I'd screw the kid up, because I was going to make my life count through his. And it really didn't matter what he did or what he thought.
Making Our Lives Count Through Our Kids
Huge mistake, trying to correct your failures or live your life through your kids. That's the second thing, setting standards for your kids based on what others think. The reason I couple these together, they're both driven by pride.
This is a great story, two of them. They're both from Sarah. And I'm going to screw the time up, but I think Sarah was 18 months. It doesn't matter. 20 months. It doesn't matter. 18 months. And she's not potty trained. And I'm at Coal Banker talking to one of the sales guys, and they're talking about their kid who's 16 months, and I said, she's potty trained. And I said, are you kidding? He said, no. And he says, is Sarah potty trained? And I said, almost.
I went home and I said, Susan, what are you doing with Sarah on the potty training? She said, what do you mean? And I said, so and so's kid's potty training. She said, who cares? And I said, no, you've got to be doing something wrong. And she said, Tom, at your office, and this is so Susan, at your office, is there anybody there still wearing diapers? And I said, no. What's going to happen? It doesn't matter. And I remember thinking, I don't care whether she's potty trained or not for her, this is all about me.
She got her Iowa basic skills scores back at the end of her first grade. And I opened them up and she was essentially average, just slightly above the line. And I'm traumatized by this. So I call, I got to get everybody in for a meeting. So I said, first of all, Sarah, I got bad news for you. You're average. I got good news for you. It comes from your mom's side of the family, though. The averageness. And I didn't, I'm exaggerating there, I didn't have a meeting. I go in, I'm talking to Susan, and it's kind of the same, she goes, what do you care?
See it wasn't about what was best for Sarah. It was about what I thought people would think about me. So I could go into the office and say, look at my kids' Iowa basic skills score. To give people yet one more reason to hate me. That's one of those you got to think about a little bit, isn't it? But it's pretty good. But it's pride. It's that thing that drives all of life.
Pride Drives Everything
It's that thing that drives, it's that, I look at this, and I got to tell you, and maybe I'm unique on this, but I, these WorldCom guys, and these Enron guys, and these Arthur Andersen guys, if they were wrong, they ought to string these guys up. I'd hunt them down like I did Bin Laden. That's how I would, I mean, I would be painting this picture this way. And I'd try to scare the snot out of everyone.
I see these WorldCom guys' house, and I'm thinking, how much, and maybe I'm just too small a thinker. But if you're making 30 million or 40 million, what's the difference? Who cares, why would you sell, and I'm assuming guilt here, and I know that's not the American way.
But why would you compromise your character for this? I'll tell you why. It's real subtle how this works. I'm going to tell you a story. This is a great story.
About four months ago, Susan and I needed to go to San Diego. A friend of ours says, "I'll fly you over. I have a new jet." Now the reason I don't like telling you this story is I don't want you thinking I am a jet setter. This is not the time to quit giving money to Priority Living because they have a jet. We don't have a jet. This is a guy who says he's going to fly us in his jet.
I said, "Oh wow, that would be incredible." So we drive out to Williams Field, we pull up, we load the bags, and literally in five minutes it's wheels up and we're gone. We land in San Diego, and they roll out a car. Well, you're in this. I don't care who you are. It's not my plane. I don't know anything about it. After a while, you're going, "This is pretty cool. This is pretty good. We got a little jet. The guy we pull up to won't know if it's my jet or this guy's jet. He might think I'm pretty something." I'm processing this and playing cards with my mom and whatever.
The Reality Check
We pull in, and there's this big, honking jet next to us with stewardesses and everything. I could just see their jet going like this to our jet, just kind of lifting its leg, peeing right on my jet. I could just see it. I could close my eyes and see that puny little jet you got there. That was exactly the word picture I saw. I could literally see their jet doing that.
It's just all pride. That's what drives the world, whatever it is, or the guy in your office. It's all pride. Men and women, as long as you're driven by this unhealthy, sick pride, there's no end to it. You'll cheat. You'll steal. You'll ruin your kids. You'll ruin your life for nothing, for something that's going to drip right through your fingers.
Failure to Provide a Biblical Model for Marriage
Here's the third mistake: failure to provide your kids a biblical model for marriage. I'm not going to spend any time on it because we talked about it a little bit before. It says this, especially guys: step up and lead in the home. You're the leader. God ordained you to be the head of the house. Guys, love your wives. Nurture your wives. Let your kids see that. Wives, submit to your husbands. That's the model.
Substituting Material Things for Attention
Number four is attempting to substitute material things for—and here's a key word you might want to circle or underline—consistent attention and love.
I want to read to you from Barry Goldwater's autobiography. I presume here this is accurate, although it's important to remember that Charles Barkley said he was misquoted in his autobiography. So anything could happen here. Here's what the senator wrote, and it's out of context and everything else, but just listen to it.
"My wife was always pleased when our family was together. Every laugh from our children and grandchildren brought a smile to her face. I was pleased she was so happy." Now I just think that's a weird way to say that, but I'll give that the benefit of the doubt and just assume he's trying to share something that brought joy. Looking at her made me think back through the years. Then he talks about the kids being raised, the kids being born, and he's gone at military service. Nothing you can do about that.
The Cost of Success
Even after I came home, the hours at the store were long and local politics took more time away from the family. I tried to make it up to Peggy and the children by taking them on camping and rafting and photography trips. But Peg and I were happiest alone.
Nine pages later, he says this: "I've thought long and hard about my relationship" with two of his kids he names. "They're both stubborn and headstrong like their father. They're outspoken. But none of this explains the distance that increased between us."
I can explain it. It's nine pages earlier. You spent long hours at the store and you were involved in local politics. You can't throw a rafting trip at them or a hiking trip or a trip to Disneyland and think that's going to replace consistent attention and love. That's what they need.
Quality Time and Lots of It
When Haley was small, I was doing some talk. These things are fads, but at the time it was quantity time or quality time. So I went to Haley and I said, "Do you need quality time or quantity time?" She said, "I don't know what you mean, Dad." I said, "Well, quantity time would be just amounts, to spend a lot of time together. Quality time is when we're interacting and talking and reading and doing that." Here's what she said: "I need quality time and lots of it."
I think maybe you've reached a point in our culture where you can't be a senator and be a dad. Don't know that's true, but I think maybe you've reached that point, that the demands are just too high. It may be that you've reached a point where you can't be the CEO and still be the dad you're supposed to be. I don't know. I know that's scary to say that stuff, but if you've got something that's 80 hours a week and you've got two or three little kids, there's no way those kids are getting what they need from you.
But here you go: they'll name Terminal 4 after you, but your kids don't talk to you. Now, most people, I think, would take "name Terminal 4 after me" because that's a bigger deal. They'll be fighting over whether to freeze you or cremate you. They won't even know what to do with you when you die. They'll be puzzled over it. Why? You're never there. That's the team where none of the parents come. Oh, they take them. Oh, they took them on a two-week trip through Europe, but they haven't seen them for the 50 weeks leading up to it.
up to it. I don't know. I think you've got to count the cost. My personal view is, once you have these kids, you have a social contract that says their life supersedes yours. And if you don't get to the top of the ladder, so be it. Cut the top rungs off and say you're at the top. Who cares?
Career Pursuits at Children's Expense
Number five, since we've alienated you, we might as well drive a stake in the heart of it here. And I knew when I wrote this that I would have to say it in here on a Thursday, but moms who pursue careers outside the home at the expense of your kids. I don't want to get into a long discussion on this. Let me give you the facts. There's not a minimum wage child care provider who is going to love your kid the way you do. It's not going to happen. And there's that giant lie that says somehow the kids will make it on their own. They won't.
Let me ask you this. What does a kid need? A Jeep, a swimming pool, a mom. It's just the way it is. Working Mother magazine says something like 85% of the full-time wives and mothers would prefer to be home. I don't know if that's true or not. I'll tell you what I'm seeing. I'm seeing a wave back of gals who are leaving the workplace and going back home. And there are big smiles on their face.
Some of you have to work. I understand that. That's the lot life's giving you. And I just understand how painful it is. Some of you are working just to have a cabin in the mountains or to be able to have tickets to the ball game or to have a new car. I don't think that's legitimate.
The Power of Words to Deflate
Number six, using your mouth to deflate your kids. I am the father that said to one of his daughters when she brought home a report card with four A's and a B, how could you possibly get a B? So I watch my girls, and I know that I have the ability to deflate them through stupid things that I say and things that are said are so painful. You can take a kid that's sky high, and you can just rip them apart, and some of it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You've always been a pain. You'll always be a pain. You've always been slow. You'll always be slow.
I went to school with a kid. I won't give you his name, because somehow, who knows, somebody might hear the tape someday. And he was told early on, you're in dumb English. You're dumb. You're a problem. If he was in school today, they'd have him so doped up that he wouldn't know what day it was, not because he had a disease, but he was a sinful kid bouncing around. They told him he's stupid. High school, they put him in stupid English. Last I heard, he's getting his PhD from the University of Michigan. It took him about 10 years to undo what the nuns had done to him.
Love Without Boundaries
Number seven, thinking if you love your kids enough, you don't have to discipline them. Jim Dobson says that's the number one mistake we make in child rearing. See how this builds. See if this doesn't make sense. You've got a dad that's not there. You've got mom that's out of the house. You've got parenting that's going in big spurts, big things. I'm substituting material things for real love.
Now Junior goes sideways, and I'm afraid to jerk his chain. I don't want to drive him away. At the very time, he needs you or she needs you to come back in and say, there's a boundary. There's a boundary. There's a boundary. There's a boundary. You're afraid you're going to scare the kid away? And I know it's not my kid, so I know it's easy to say. So be it. You're better off scaring the kid away than raising a delinquent. Can we get this learned today? You're responsible for this kid. This is your responsibility.
The Importance of Apologizing
Number eight, never apologizing to your kids when you're wrong. That's a mistake. Came home one day, hard day. I screwed up a bunch of stuff. I come in. I see Sarah. She's about five. I jump all over Sarah and say, get down to your room. Get down to your room. Stay in your room. You may die in that room. Get down there.
And ladies, here's how you correct your husband. Susan waits until Sarah's gone, gets me at the other end of the house, and in a quiet, rational manner says, Tom, you blew that. That was you. You were wrong. Not really. Well, you see the mistake. So we had this for a while. And I said, what do you think I should do? And she said, I don't know. What do you think? And I said, I should say I'm sorry. She said, she's down in her room. She's going to die there, remember?
I said, all right. So I go down. And our girls, I don't know, the straighter girls are, for whatever reason, they're just pretty tough girls. I mean, they're emotionally sensitive and all this stuff. But they're not big criers. And Sarah is sitting on her bed. She wouldn't cry. She wouldn't give you that satisfaction. Just a little tears. So I walk in. I said, Sarah, I really screwed that up. I'm sorry. She said, nah, it's OK. I said, no, it's not OK. It's not OK for me to talk to you like that. I went over to hug her. And now I'm crying. And she's kind of crying. I said, I'm really sorry. She said, that's OK. She said, Dad, you do that all the time. I said, I know.
I will tell you this. We got three minutes here. And I want to use all of it. I'll tell you this. When you screw up and tell them you're sorry and they know you love them, you can screw up and screw up and screw up. They really can. I see marriages where they've got these huge problems. And they're arguing over these things. And I'm saying, this is something I do to Susan all the time. But there's no trust left there. And that trust, once it's gone, it's pretty hard to get it back. But when you just say, she already knows I screwed up. I'm not losing anything on this. All I'm gaining is her confidence.
The Critical Foundation of Faith
Here's the ninth thing. It's a huge one. Making certain your kids are not continually exposed to biblical teaching and a Christian worldview. I see this when kids become teenagers. All of a sudden, for whatever reason, mom and dad back off. Look, I don't want to go to church. It's boring. I don't want to go—
Teaching Priorities vs. Preferences
Here's what you need to say to that kid: "Get in church and sit there respectfully and listen." First of all, if they can't do that, they've got a rebellious spirit, and you've got a rebellious kid, and you need to know that. But I'm telling you, they can look as disinterested as possible, and they hear every word.
I was just at summer camp with 550 of them, and some of them were disinterested. The ones that I thought were drifting away oftentimes could come up and repeat everything I said, because they were thinking about something. You keep this stuff in front of them.
You know how you do that? As long as you live in this house, you'll never... Well, add "not go to church" to that list.
Holding Too Tightly to Your Kids
Here's the last thing: holding too tightly to your kids. It's the antithesis of all these other things. Some of you are holding on so tight, you're afraid it's going to happen.
When the kids were small, Sarah was much more prone to ride the big rides than Haley. Haley never liked big rides. Now she loves it. We're on our third trip probably to Disneyland. This is the day that Haley is going to go on Splash Mountain.
So we're sitting in the log. She's in front of me and I've got her there and I'm holding on to her a little bit. You can hear in the distance, "Ahhh." She said, "Oh dad, this is scary." I said, "Well, we'll be alright. Nobody's gotten hurt on this ride yet. We're going to be fine."
It gets a little closer. "Ahhh." She said, "Dad, I'm really scared. How long is it?" I said, "Well, there's the light up there." Here's what she started saying: "Hold me tight, daddy. Hold me tight, daddy. Don't let me go. Daddy, hold me tight, dad. Don't let me go, dad. Hold me tight."
The Wedding Moment
I remember that like it was yesterday. Friday at the wedding, I'm now standing there and there's Haley, there's Tyler. They're singing. Great song. "Listen to my heart." As we're watching the song, I'm looking at Haley. I hear her say, "Hold me tight, daddy. Hold me tight, daddy."
The problem is, that's not the cycle of life anymore. That was cute when you were six. But now you're 26. Time to go?
It is amazing to me, and I don't know how to articulate it, and I certainly couldn't write about it. I can't describe that moment. There was a moment at the end of it – no way I'll get through this – where I'm just getting ready to say, "Let me introduce to you Mr. and Mrs. Tyler Johnson."
Passing the Baton
So there they are, and I said, "Let me introduce to you Mr. and Mrs...." Haley turns around, and I had no idea, and just walks up to me and hugs me. What we were talking about last night, because several people have asked her when she thought of that, and she said it was totally spontaneous.
There was that moment when I knew, and it was clear, we're passing a baton here. It was good, and it was right, and it was proper. When I had to go into my outlook and change Haley Schrader to Haley Johnson. But that's how God designed it.
You're screwing these kids up if you're holding on to them too tight. I have some very serious mixed emotions, and one of them is I love Haley and the way our life has been so much. But I'll tell you, I can't wait to see what Haley and Tyler do as a team. It's different than before, but it already has been better.
Closing
Here's my close, and you've been indulging me a couple of extra minutes. Thanks. I won't do it to you again. It's a difficult job, but it's just worth it.