New Relational Strategies for a Changing World

Tom Shrader examines the relational design of God for human flourishing through four key roles: being a giver who serves others' interests like Paul and Timothy, being a neighbor who engages with people God places in your life, being a friend who provides practical and emotional support, and for some, being a lover in marriage. He emphasizes that authentic relationships require vulnerability and selflessness, warning that while people may take advantage of givers, this is acceptable because God uses generous hearts in powerful ways.

“You are wired, and by the way, even as a follower of Christ, the very idea of following Christ demands people to fulfill the great commandment, love God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, love your neighbor as yourself, and to fill the great commission, go and make disciples.”

— Tom Shrader

Series: How to Stay Afloat in a World That's Circling the Drain (2008)

Recorded: February 21, 2008

Duration: 39 min

Themes: relationships, friendship, love, service, community, vulnerability, generosity, connection, feeling lonely, building friendships, young adult, struggling with isolation, new to community, single person, married couple, seeking connection

Scripture: 1 Thessalonians 2:6-9, Philippians 4:9, Philippians 2:3-4, Philippians 2:19-21, Philippians 1:29, Luke 10:25-37, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Proverbs 17:17, Proverbs 27:6, 1 Corinthians 7:1, Genesis 2:18, Hebrews 13:4

Theological Themes: relational theology, biblical community, stewardship, christian love, agape, fellowship, koinonia, neighbor love

Handout Link

Full Transcript

Session 5: Building Meaningful Relationships

This is session 5. The last time that I taught this, somebody sent me this email, and though it is dated July 23, 2002, the principle is interesting. Let me read it to you. Some investing advice: If you bought $1,000 worth of Nortel stock a year ago, it's now worth $49.90. With Enron, the original investment of $1,000 is now worth $16.50. Worldcom is less than $5.50. If you bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser, the beer, not the stock, a year ago, drank all the beer, turned in the cans for 10 cents deposit, you'd have $214. So based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. That makes sense. That's timeless advice. I mean, that's from 2002.

We have in this series talked about anxiety and adversity and surviving those. We talked along some general themes as well. We talked about career. Today we're going to talk more about relationships and more specifically really about you in four areas, and you see them on your outline. We're going to talk about being a giver, being a neighbor, being a friend, and for some of you, in some instances, about being a lover.

The Problem: Weak Relationships Despite Strong Networks

I have not altered the outline, and though the principles are almost two decades old now, they're pretty interesting. Most lives that we see typically are what we've outlined there: People have built strong networks, but relationships continue to be weak. So you can have 150 people at your birthday party, but if you're in trouble, you really don't have anyone to call. You can have a Christmas card list that goes on and on, and yet if really push comes to shove, you don't have anybody that you can really rely on.

I remember sitting with a fellow, really a successful business guy, young guy, really a stud-looking guy. I mean, just a real athlete, and he had all the stuff. I remember at breakfast, he's the one who initiated it. They wanted to get together, and we're talking, and I didn't understand why, and I asked him a question. I said, if you got in real trouble, who would you call? I've learned over the years, when you ask a question, to be quiet, so they can answer it.

So I asked the question, and then I started playing with my eggs and moving my tortilla around, and I looked up, and he had tears coming down his cheeks. He said, it's just a classic answer, he said, I guess I'd have to call my dog, meaning I don't have a person to call. But a whole bunch of people that he could get to play golf with him, or go to Club Med with him or something.

Here's the second thing: Houses got closer together, but neighbors have grown further apart. Here's the third thing: Although economics are high, friendships are low. Money is good, but people tend to be friendless. And mergers are on the rise, putting companies together, but people aren't getting together. During the 1980s, the average age for first-time marriages rose five years. That's huge.

We're Wired for People

Well, we're built and we're wired for people. You're not wired to go this alone. You are wired, and by the way, even as a follower of Christ, the very idea of following Christ demands people to fulfill the great commandment: love God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, love your neighbor as yourself, and to fulfill the great commission: go and make disciples. Those two things demand relationship.

Now, one of the wonderful things that I see about the generation that's 20 to 30-ish, one of the great things about them is they are really relational. I mean, they really get relation. And I will tell you, if Jesus doesn't come again, the church—I'm talking now not about a single church, the church in this country—is going to be so much better off when these guys are in charge than it is now. They get it, they get the gospel better, they get relationship better, they're just way better than we are. That's my personal view. And so I'm excited. I can't wait to die and let them have it. Hopefully that'll happen soon. But until they do, we're still in charge.

God Designed You to Be a Giver

We've got four things. Number one, God designed you to be a giver, and by that, I don't want you to think money. Just like when we say stewardship, you think money, I think that's part of it, but it's stewarding your whole life, your time, your energy, your effort, and your money.

There are three examples we're going to use here. One, if you have Bibles, you can open them to 1 Thessalonians chapter 2. I was sitting in a meeting last week, and it was slow, and I was running it, which is an embarrassment, but it was so slow, and points apparently needed to be made, that I was letting them go on. And it was slow, and I went back and I had my Bible, so I just read again 1 Thessalonians. And this is a really interesting little book. It's one of Paul's earlier writings to this wonderful church. It's a book of great encouragement.

One of the points he makes here in chapter 2 verses 6-9 is that he had every right to ask them to support him. One of the core principles that we see in Scripture is that you and I are to give double honor, and that doesn't just mean respect, but that means goods as well to those who teach or to those who minister to me. But Paul said, I didn't take that. I didn't do that. He said, "We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the Gospel, but our lives, because you become so dear to us. Surely you remember, brothers, our toil and hardship. We worked night and day in order not to be a burden to anyone while you preached the Gospel of God to you."

He said, we were working all day, so we'd have enough money so that we could be used by God to preach this Gospel to you, and to try to remove every sort of obstacle that might come before us. One of those could be money. It's one of the things we talk about. And Larry taught me this a long time ago, in Abundant Life, and the principle is the same here at Priority Living, because so often we'll get people who aren't church...

People will be leery of anything that could be an obstacle to them. The reason we give you all the teaching materials, though they cost us 40 to 50 thousand dollars a year, is so you don't think we're trying to get your money. The reason we don't take a collection, the reason we don't talk about money is because those of you who are coming are skeptical and looking for the hook.

I can't tell you how many people have said, "I came for months waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the hook, waiting for the basket, waiting for the plea." And it isn't there. Not that there aren't needs, but if you want to be part of that, you'll figure it out. We got that model from Larry, and I realize he got it from Paul, who said, "I've got every right to talk about that, but I don't want that to get in the way."

Here's what Paul says: "We were delighted to share our life with you." In Philippians chapter 4, verse 9, Paul's closing this book and he said, "The things that you learned, received, and heard, and seen in me, practice these." You know what that means? That means Paul's with these people. I can't learn something, receive something, hear it, and see it if there isn't a context for that to take place.

You Are to Be a Giver

You are to be a giver. A giver of your time. A giver of your life. Your life is not yours. That's what Paul writes. We were bought at a price. We are no longer our own. And then the wisdom: don't enslave yourself to men. So you were bought at a price, and everybody's going to serve somebody. He says you're either going to serve God and His agenda, or man and the world's agenda. Be a giver.

Right there in Philippians, which you just turn a little bit to the left there, in Philippians chapter 2, this is incredible. Paul writes to the church at Philippi, verse 19, and he said, "I hope in the Lord Jesus to send Timothy to you, that I might be cheered up when I receive news about you. I have no one else like him."

Now I want to stop there. You're sitting in Philippi. You know Paul. He writes and he says, "I'm sending you a guy, and I don't have anybody like this guy." You know, pick somebody you might respect today as a preacher or teacher. Take a Chuck Swindoll. And you're going, "Man, we love Chuck. Here you go, Chuck. We got an opening, and we know you've been through here, and you did a men's conference here and some other things. You had a real impact on your church. We'd love to have you."

The Anticipation and the Surprise

And he says, "I can't get there, but I'm sending you a guy, and I don't have anybody else like this guy." Oh my goodness. Listen to the buzz in the locker room. Here comes a guy. I'll bet he's incredible. And then we'd start to guess: what's he going to be like?

I'll bet he can really preach. I'll bet this guy can really teach. And if he can't teach, I'll bet he's just an evangelist on fire. And if it's not that, I'll bet he can sing. Or I'll bet he's one of those three key roles. He's either an originator or an organizer or an operator. Because you've got to have those. You've got to have the originator of the dream, but usually those guys can't figure out where they left the car keys. So somebody needs to come together and organize it and put it together. And then that guy who organizes it sometimes goes, "All right, I'm bored. I need a new deal." And he needs just a guy to manage it.

So you get the word. Chuck Swindoll says, "I'm sending you a guy and I have nobody like him." Paul says, "Hey, Philippi, I'm sending you a guy, I don't have anybody like him." And then he tells you what separates him: "I have no one else like him who takes a genuine interest in your welfare. For everyone looks out for his own interests, not the interests of Christ."

The Real Problem in Philippi

Paul, as he writes to this church at Philippi, is telling them, "Look, you've got a problem." And we learn at the end of the book here in Philippians 4, verse 2, that you've got two ladies, Euodia and Syntyche, who are somehow not getting along. I suspect the choir's involved, but I don't know.

Well, earlier, he says, "I don't want you to live that way. I want you to live in harmony. I want you to be of one mind." Here's the key. Philippians 2:3: "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than themselves. Do not merely look out for your own personal interest, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in you which was also in Christ Jesus." And then it talks about Him emptying Himself of that throne in heaven and coming to earth and becoming obedient to the point of death, even the most cruel, vile, horrific death ever invented by man: crucifixion.

The Rare Commodity of True Concern

This is a rare commodity to be a giver who's concerned about other people. It's the absolute key to living a Christian life. You'll never serve with a true heart. You may serve out of duty, but you'll never serve out of a true heart if you're looking down on people. You may serve them, but only out of duty.

John Ashcroft, former Attorney General, one time said this: "I used to think I was better than everybody else, and then I realized I am everybody else." There's nobody better. What you want more than anything else is that person who's looking out for the other person's interest.

No relationship can survive without this, whether it's a marriage, whether it's a business partnership, whether it's a political system, whether it's a whole country. I'm reading just kind of a huge overview of how we got the Constitution, and I'm intrigued by that because I can't get guys from the church to sit in the room and agree on a vision statement. So how'd you get these 13 colonies with all sorts of different things? How'd you get them into one? Well, one of the things you did is you said, "All right, here's a big elephant in the room: slavery, and we just won't talk about that one." So part of it is you compromised a little.

But you got everybody in the room, and ultimately what you had to do is you had to get people who had a meeting of the mind and came along and said, "It's about something other than me."

Let me tell you why the Patriots are the way they are. If you listen to them talk, they have—and whether it's true or not, I don't know this—but they bought into this idea that it's not about me as a quarterback or me as a receiver, it's about us as a team. That's really huge. You know what God's going to do in your life? When you start to think that way, He's going to open all sorts of doors for you, how you can minister to people. It's really incredible.

Epaphroditus: Vulnerable Service

And then He gives us a third example here, and it's Epaphroditus, right there in the book of Philippians. Epaphroditus is a guy that actually brought to Paul a gift—some, we think, financial resources from the church at Philippi. When he was there with Paul, he got sick. And Paul says that he longs for all of you because he is distressed that you heard he was ill. Indeed, he was ill and he almost died, but God, through His grace and mercy, saved him.

Here's what's really cool. Here's what he's saying. He got sick. When you heard he was sick, he got sick to his sickness. You get what he's saying? He said, "I felt sick, then I heard how you were responding to that, and that made me even sicker." This is how much he cared.

I just want to make this point. When you live as a giver, here's the number one thing I hear: "I don't know if I could do that." And then I'll hear, "If I live that way, won't people take advantage of me?" Here's the answer: Yes. Yes, they will. That's okay. Now, you're not a doormat. I mean, use your head here. But I don't think that's going to be your problem, is it, being a doormat? I think you'll do all right fending for your rights. God will use you in an incredible way if you just give time, energy, effort, resource, money. It's really important. He said, "I can't wait to see you." You've got to be vulnerable.

Learning Vulnerability Through Crisis

Sarah was born New Year's Eve, 1979. And I was working at Coal Banker at the time, came home about a week later—I think it was exactly one week later—and Susan said, "Something's not right here with Sarah. Something's wrong."

I said, "What's the problem? Give me the symptoms."

"Well, she just doesn't cry. She's just kind of laying there."

I said, "Oh my gosh, God gave us a good baby." I didn't say God, because I wasn't a Christian. "We've got a good baby. Just be happy with this."

About two hours later, so it's Friday night now, she said, "Something's not right here." And we had this little old lady that lived next door. We had no money. We knew enough not to go in debt, so we just would go to zero every month and then just kind of try to figure it out. But we were living in this little condo, right, not too far from here, and there was a little old lady next door, a little grandma, and we went over there.

I said, "I feel like a doofus here, but, you know, Susan's concerned. She's got this baby and she's not crying or anything. I think she's just a good baby."

So she took her and looked at her and said, "Why don't you take her to the emergency room?"

I said, "Oh my gosh, I don't want to do that. I don't want to go to the emergency room and have them say she's okay. Like, if I'm going to go to the emergency room, I want to have a tumor. I mean, I want something wrong with me." My insurance guy would always say, "Buy this insurance and nothing happens." He'd say, "What would you like? Catastrophic incident? You want to lose a limb? Would that make you feel better?" I said, "I don't know, but something seems wrong. I don't want to go to the emergency room. If I go to the emergency room, I want a problem."

God's Perfect Timing

So we go to the emergency room and the guy takes—the doctor that's on duty takes Sarah and messes with her. He comes back and he said, "She's not retaining her body temperature, but these blankets are synthetic blankets. They're not wool blankets. And I think that's it. Get some wool blankets."

And I said, "What year did you graduate from med school down in Tucson?" I mean, this makes no sense. She's got 500 blankets. He said, "No, it's the blanket."

So you want to see God work? Here's a great example. It's now 10:30 on a Friday night in the emergency room. Here's who you never see there is like a pediatrician. We're walking out and our pediatrician walks in. And she said, "What are you guys doing here?"

And I said, well, we told her. She said, "Well, let me see Sarah." And she was gone about a half hour and she came out and she said, "Here's what we've done. Here's this bag. In this bag is a spinal tap and some x-rays. And we've already checked her in. We're going to get an ambulance, but you guys can take her down. We'll take her down to Good Sam. We already checked her in to intensive care because something's wrong. Something's really wrong."

So we go blowing down there and we get her all checked in and they take her and they suit me down. I've never been in this situation, but I hear so much complaints about the healthcare system. We have such a wonderful healthcare system. And does it have its issues? I understand it's got its issues, but my gosh, they do a great job by and large. For as complicated as it is in moments of crisis. And they really loved on us. And they said, "Listen, when you see her next now, because we're going to feed her in through her head and there's going to be some wires and stuff. So be ready for it."

So we saw her and she was there and we kind of had this moment. And I said, "Susan, I have to go." And I went downstairs and I just started crying. Right out the door, there's a pay phone. And I remember sitting there saying, "I don't even know if you're real God, but here's the one thing I want. Don't ever let me have another kid. I don't want to hurt like this again."

Now think about the height of selfishness. I should have been upstairs with Susan.

I wasn't even concerned about Sarah. I'm saying, "Oh God, don't let me hurt like this again." How pathetic a human being am I? By the way, you don't have to come up afterwards and ask what it was - they never found out what it was. About three months later, God saved me and changed that way of thinking completely.

Here's my point: I didn't want to hurt like that. Think if God would have answered that prayer. If God would have answered that prayer, there'd be no Haley. If there was no Haley, this world would be a screwed up place. But it was all about me - I don't want to hurt like that.

I hear this from people, some of you probably in this room, who've been hurt in relationships. And you say, "You know what? I may get married again, but I'm never going to love like this again because it's too painful." If you say you're never going to love like that again, you're never going to give your heart and soul to a person again. You're never going to be committed to them again. And you're never going to have those mountaintops. I understand the hurt and pain, but do you see that? Will people take advantage of it? Yeah, but that's okay.

Be a Neighbor

Here's the second thing: be a neighbor. Luke 10. On one occasion, an expert of the law came to Jesus and said, "Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" Jesus said, "What's written in the law? How do you read it?" And the man said this: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, all your mind. Love your neighbor as yourself." "You've answered correctly. Now, go and do this."

Now, is Jesus telling us how to get to heaven? Well, I guess yes in one sense. If you could love your neighbor as yourself, if you could love God with all your heart, soul, mind - yeah, I guess you'd go to heaven. Here's the problem: you can't, you never have. You've never had a single minute when you've been able to love God with all your heart - all of it. Jesus is trying to point out to him, just like when He says in another instance, "What should I do to inherit eternal life?" He said, "Keep the commandments." You point out, you can't do that.

So this guy said, "Well, who's my neighbor?" Good question. Jesus said, "That reminds me of a story." And He tells a story that we come to know in Luke 10, verse 30, as the Good Samaritan.

So a priest passes by, a Levite passes by - the conservative religious people of the day pass by. This is a man who's been beaten, robbed. They don't stop. But the Samaritan man - now, to the Jew, the Samaritan was someone they hated. They were half-breed, kind of half Assyrian, half Jewish - and he stops. He binds the wounds. Takes him to the innkeeper. He says, "Here's some money, and I'll stop back. And if it takes more than this, I'll be back next week and pay for it." Jesus says, "Okay, now you go do this."

What It Means to Be a Neighbor

Here's the point: you and I need to be neighbors. And neighbor is defined more by relationship than geography, I think. Your neighbor may indeed be the person who shares a lot line with you. But it also may be a person who shares a cube with you. A neighbor are the people that God drops into your life, and what Jesus is saying is, you need to be involved in their life. You need to come along and minister to them.

Have you ever heard the term the sovereignty of God? When we talk about the sovereignty of God, we mean basically that God is God. He does as He pleases. He's restricted only by His own nature. There's no limits on Him. He's God. You're not, I'm not. And we talk about it typically in relationship to how He saves us.

God's Gifts: Belief and Suffering

That's one of those things. Philippians 1, verse 29. And what Paul is saying to this church at Philippi in that verse, let me read it to you: "For to you it has been granted" - this term granted is it's been given to you, from this we get to this whole idea of grace - "it's been granted or given to you. Why? For Christ's sake."

So something's been given to us. And he's going to tell us in a minute there's two things. There's two things that have been given to us for Christ's sake. "Not only to believe" - so it's been granted to us that we would believe the Gospel. If you're here today and you say, "Jesus, Lord, Jesus, Savior," there's only one reason that happened: because God opened your eyes to see it.

How come you and not somebody else in your family? Or how come you and a buddy? I've had a ton of stories in Priority Living where two people come in, maybe two gals together, they're buddies, or two guys, and they kind of somehow end up here. And one, all of a sudden, God just changes their life and they become devout followers of Christ. The other falls away. Why's that happen? Right here. Because God's granted us not only to believe - so that's pretty cool, right? He's granted to us to believe. That's cool, thank you, Jesus.

"But also to suffer for His sake." Think with me for a second here. This is huge. Not only did He grant you to believe, and that's a gift from Him, He granted you to suffer and that's a gift from Him. Why? The answer's right there: for His sake.

I have a tendency to look and go, "I'm not in prison like Paul, I guess I'm not suffering." Paul does not say that your suffering will be identical to his. He does say it will be for identical purpose and that's God's glory.

The Purpose of Our Suffering

Why are you going through - and then you fill in the blank? I don't know what it is. It may be a physical pain, it may be an emotional pain, it's something, it's suffering, it hurts. And you may suck it up to get through a meeting like this. You're a big macho guy, you're John Wayne or whoever. But when you're alone, you go, "This really hurts." Why am I suffering? I can tell you why you're suffering: for His sake.

So that when people see you suffer, they look at you, they see your response. I hear that all the time from people who come in contact with Susan: "I can't believe the way she responds." And she would say, "Not me, Christ in me." Why would He allow

you to suffer? So we could look at you and you become this magnificent display case for God's grace and mercy. That's huge. Philippians 1:29 will absolutely rattle your world when you start to unpack that. And He puts these people in your lives so you can be engaged in their lives.

Be a Friend

Here's a third thing: to be a friend. When we talk about friendship in this context, we want to talk about the practical benefits, the emotional benefits, and the personal benefits.

Here are the practical benefits. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12: "Two are better than one because they have good return for their work. If one falls down, a friend can pick him up. Pity the man who falls down and no one there to help him. If two lie down together, they can keep warm. How can one keep warm? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. And a cord of three strands is not easily broken."

This is the idea of friendship. There's the practical benefit: in times of crisis, in times of need, there's somebody there for you. Imagine if your friend was Roger Clemens. Imagine if a buddy of yours is Jimmy Swaggart or Jim Bakker.

I was reading something—I think it's 10 years now since the whole Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky thing. They were doing a little retrospective on it the other day. There's one person who hasn't rebounded from this, and it's Monica Lewinsky. Everybody else is moving on. You're paying the president $200,000, $300,000, $400,000 to come and spend an hour to talk to you. He's doing okay, thank you. But here's this woman. I've heard a couple of interviews where she said, "Who's going to take me home to meet their mom?"

Imagine if that's your buddy. Talk about needing a friend. You think Britney Spears needs a friend? She needs a friend bad. So do you. You may not go through your experience on national television, but you're going to go through it. That's the practical benefit.

Emotional and Personal Benefits

Here's the emotional benefit. Proverbs 17:17: "A friend loves at all times. A brother is born for adversity." They're there for you, man. I've got your back. It means I'm going to come alongside you.

Let me tie these two points together. The personal benefit as well: iron sharpens iron. That's on every men's ministry. But listen to this. Proverbs 27:6: "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." It's this thing of constructive criticism. You need those people in your life, man. You need somebody to tell you your dog's ugly. Somebody's got to be able to tell you that in 14 different languages.

We had this wonderful discussion, and it's funny—it came from the girls. They said, "Do you think people with ugly babies know their baby's ugly?" And I said, "Have you seen yours?" No, I'm kidding. But what they're saying is, would you tell them? Then they got into this discussion. There's a Seinfeld episode on this, by the way. There's a Seinfeld episode on all of these.

But if you were at a friend's house, and there's the baby, and she said, "Don't you think the baby's cute?" What would you say? "Yeah." Well, let's remove it from that because it's too personal. But if you've got this giant blind spot, one of the things that makes blind spots so rough on us is that they are what? Blind.

I remember asking Larry one time, "Do you have blind spots?" "Yeah, what are they?" And he said, "Well, you idiot. If I knew what it was, it wouldn't be a blind spot." Well, that makes sense. Just testing you to see if you're still all right. Can you still go like this? Yes, I'm just testing. You need that. You need constructive criticism.

Our Critical Culture

The environment that we operate in now is so critical. By critical, I don't mean important. I mean critical—criticizing. A friend of mine took six guys to a conference. He said, "Here's what I want you to do today." They'd meet for breakfast, debrief at night. So it's the last day. He said, "Here's what I want you to do. I want you to make 25 observations today."

They got together that night. So there's 150 observations that were made by this group. Every one of them was a criticism. He said, "Now, here's the biggest lesson. I didn't say to you go and criticize. I said make 25 observations. The rug is red. I didn't say criticism." But do you see how that exposes you? That's how we think.

I got a note Sunday after church saying, "It's too cold in the room." I just love that note. Do you understand that there are 700 people in this room who all have a very different view? Do you think I can possibly get this room? Is it cold? I guess so. But honestly, that's your biggest thing. You come to church, and your biggest thing is, "It's too cold"? Are you kidding me?

And almost always, this is one of the ones that have the big Bible that's memorized all the verses. That's what you got out of this. You studied this book, and what you got out of this is that after a Sunday morning, what I need more than anything else is to understand what the temperature in the room is. Are you kidding me? Would you like me to come up to you and say, "That is just a flat-out ugly shirt"? I don't get it.

You know the problem is I'm riddled with guilt because I lived that way for a long time. Just criticize and cut. I'm just telling you, man, we are slicing this nation apart, criticizing everybody. I welcome a battle of ideas. But we aren't arguing about ideas. We're arguing about style, and age, and background. Can't work.

You need a friend, man. You need someone that's there for you. I use the illustration all the time of Judge Senator Danforth and Justice Thomas during Justice Thomas's hearings. Again, I don't want to make a comment on that.

The Power of Loyalty in Relationships

One thing I know about those hearings—I did not watch 30 seconds of the O.J. trial. They could have that in my living room, and I wouldn't go in to watch it. I just don't care. I watched every second of the Thomas hearing.

I know this: somebody's lying, big time. And I don't know if you remember how that ended. It ended at 4 o'clock in the morning, roughly, Washington time. It had gone on for days, and it was so intensive. There was Justice Thomas, and by this time, he was mad. There was Senator Danforth, and then the last testimony was given by nine women who'd worked with him. All nine said, "I didn't see any of this that happened."

When they announced the confirmation, the station I was watching split the screen. On this side was Justice Thomas and a picture of the condo and the reporters. On this side was his mom and family in Pinpoint, Georgia. I don't know if you remember this, but when he was confirmed and they announced it, his mom stood up and said, "Thank you, Jesus." They began to hold hands and sing songs in praise.

When Justice Thomas came out, he came out with Senator Danforth and Clarence Thomas' wife. Thomas, just like he does now, just doesn't say that much. They reported afterwards when they were done—do you remember what they did? They went in, ordered pizza, sat down and smoked cigars. I'll guarantee you that conversation wasn't, "Well, give me that view on constitutional law." The conversation was, "Hey, man, that was rugged. Thanks. I owe you." "Well, I didn't do it so you'd owe me." "I know. That's why I want to be there for you."

Standing by Each Other Through Everything

You need people like that in your life. You need people around you who are just going to go down. Even when you're wrong—even when you're wrong—they need to come alongside and say, "Hey, buddy, I know you're wrong."

I sat through some meetings the other day, and at the end of the meetings, my conclusion was this: what we've just exposed is essentially every weakness in my life. And they said, "Oh, yeah, Tom, we all knew they were there. Let's go. Let's go on. Lead us." That's a good team. You want to go to war with those boys.

I mentioned the other day that book, *Lone Survivor*. I don't know if you've read that, but especially guys—ladies, it might be a little rough in some of the language. We are not endorsing this. I'm so sick of doing disclaimers. Jesus is mentioned regularly but not always in the most positive light, and there's some words in there that aren't great.

But you've got four Navy SEALs that drop into Afghanistan and within a short period of time are surrounded by 200 to 300 guys. Four of them. This guy survives. That whole thing is about covering each other's backside and how that works. To the point that these guys all gave their—one guy, they needed to call in help. The only way to do it, all they had left was a cell phone. He had to get out in the middle to do it. To get out there and make that call, he knew that they're just all going to shoot at him. And that's what he did.

You need people like that in your life.

God's Design for Marriage

Here's the last thing, and we'll just touch on it briefly. In some instances, because we're talking about relationship, I need to get that in—the idea of marriage. Marriage is ordained by God. Marriage should be honored by all (Hebrews 13:4). Marriage has a practical component to it, and that's the sexual component.

I want to read you something that Paul writes that may shock you. Paul writes this in 1 Corinthians 7:1: "Now for the matters you wrote about, it is good for a man—now get ready—not to marry."

If you walk into any church, everybody that's in leadership, everybody that's around, they're all married, all of them. In fact, if you're not, they kind of go, "What's wrong with you?" Well, what's wrong with them may be nothing at all. God may have wired him to be single.

I was talking to this wonderful person the other day who was asking about the benefits of being married and saying that they thought that a relationship like marriage might be too high maintenance for them. God may have some things that He wants them to do, and marriage might get in the way. That's exactly Paul's point.

The Practical Reasons for Marriage

If that's true, then why would almost all of us get married? He'd say, because you've got a sexual issue. You've got this sex thing, and that ought to manifest itself only within the confines—and I choose that word wisely—the confines of marriage.

Now there's a practical side to it as well. Genesis 2: it's not good for a man to be alone. I'll make a helper suitable to Him. There's a practical side.

I was talking to an older guy the other day and he said there's three guys, 87 years old, they're sitting around talking. "What are you going to do this weekend?" "Oh, I don't know." "What are you going to do this weekend?" "I don't know." "What are you going to do?" "I'm getting married." "Married? Why are you getting married? Is she really a nice person?" "Eh, not really." "Well, gosh, is she really a great conversationalist?" "Not really." "Is she really smart?" "Not really." "Why are you marrying her?" "She can drive at night."

OK, well, there's an advantage. That is a strategically age-graded joke. The older you are, the more you laugh. When you're 30, you're going, "I don't get it. What's the difference?" You'll know.

But there's a practical side to that. We just need to understand, God made us male and female. There's a sexual component. He's saying, within relationship, we're going to talk about them. We talk about giver and neighbor and all these things, friend. We need to talk about this as well.

The World's View vs. God's Design

Here's the message. You've got the world that's out there that basically says, the only reason to get in relationship is to figure out what you can get out of it. So I want to be your friend based on the fact that I think you've got—

One of my great blessings in life is that I really do feel like I've got a half a dozen to a dozen guys who, if I needed anything, I could call them. And if they could meet the need, they'd meet it almost without asking. What do you need? Why?

I'll have guys that will call me. I love this. "Tom, I saw you the other day. You don't look very good." I'm always leery of that as an intro. "But you don't look very good. Is there something wrong?" "Oh, I don't think so." "Is there anything I can do for you?" "I'll let you know."

You've got to have those people in your life. And if you're going, "I don't have them," then here's how you get them. You be one of those in somebody else's life. That's all you've got to do.

Be the Friend You Want to Have

The whole world's looking for them. Who doesn't want a person like that around them? If you want a friend, you be a friend. You'll find them. There are a lot of lonely people. Like I said, they can't have a birthday party with 150 people there, but they couldn't get anybody around.

All you've got to do is listen to the stories. I've been with enough men who have had a lot of money and then lost it, or had some political power and then lost it, or had some prestige with the community and lost it. And every one of them will say, right away, "I figured out who my friends were. Right away, I understood who my friends were."

Learning from Warren Buffett and Bill Gates

I watched an interview the other day. Give me two extra minutes here. I watched PBS do this thing from the University of Nebraska with Bill Gates and Warren Buffett. They're there at the business school talking. How many of you have seen that? Some of you have seen that? It's really good. It's just really good. And I really love the questions. The college men and women ask some wonderful questions.

But one of them was about what's success. And it was just kind of interesting, the contrast between the two. Buffett's still living in the same house he bought in like 1957 for $33,000. Now, I'm sure $33,000, it's a nice house. Gates is living in a house that he just paid $119 million for. So I mean, there's a little contrast there.

But they ask about success. And Buffett's answer was, "You know what? If at the end of your life, you can really feel like you've got people who love you. If your family loved you and a few people around you loved you, I think you're successful." He said, "I got lots of friends that have buildings named after me, but they know that these people don't like them. They know, but they're not their friends."

What Really Matters at the End

A rare commodity. And I'm telling you, it's what ultimately matters. At the end of this whole thing, if God grants you time to be alert mentally, and to be on your deathbed, and to articulate it, all you're going to care about is your faith, and your family, and your friends. That's all that's going to matter. The rest of the stuff may pop up, but it's incidental.

We'll have one more session. We'll finish next week.

Father, thank You for these wonderful truths. And God, even when we are all alone, we can have a relationship with You, the Creator God. Wow. God, thank You that You are a Father to the fatherless. And thank You, Father, that we can call You friend. What an amazing truth that is. God, we love You. We worship You. In Christ's name, amen.