1 Peter 2 - Your Approach to Conflict Resolution

Tom Shrader concludes his six-part series on being exceptional in an average world by addressing conflict resolution. Using 1 Peter 2 as his foundation, he argues that most conflict is internal and begins with our relationship with God. He outlines practical steps from Matthew 18 for approaching conflict: taking initiative, handling matters privately, and pursuing restoration rather than winning arguments.

“When you're sinned against, you tend to respond sinfully.”

— Tom Shrader

Series: How to be Exceptional in an Average World

Recorded: April 28, 2011

Duration: 38 min

Themes: conflict, resolution, peace, relationships, forgiveness, reconciliation, character, initiative, navigating conflict, struggling relationships, workplace disputes, family tension, neighbor problems, church conflict, married couples, community leader

Scripture: 1 Peter 2:13-25, Matthew 5:9, Matthew 18:15, Romans 5:1, Romans 12:18

Theological Themes: sanctification, spiritual maturity, biblical peacemaking, christian living, pastoral care, discipleship, biblical counseling, restoration

Full Transcript

Today we have session six of a six-session series and we've been looking at how to be exceptional in an average world. The premise of the series is real simple: we are addicted to mediocrity. We want to know what does it take to get by, what grade point average do I need to graduate, what's the minimum effort I can give to this to get by. We've talked about mastering the mundane, how do I just slug it out in the ordinariness of life. Change, how do we handle it. Today we're going to talk about conflict resolution.

Most of you have in your life experienced some level of this. You've got a homeowners association, you disagree. You've got a neighbor with a barking dog. So you've got conflict. If you can't get along with people you're going to find this aggravation, conflict, you get a little bit of a chump complex where everybody's an idiot, you're the only one that's got it figured out.

FDR said there's nothing I love as much as a good fight and that strikes me as extraordinarily stupid. I mean that's a great thing if you're a boxer, that's a great thing if you're a general. But the idea of combat, that's even kind of it when you get in the whole discussion of culture warrior and all those terms, they're so combative. I'm not sure that's the answer though it is kind of like warfare.

The Goal: Stability in Difficult Circumstances

What we're striving for in this whole process is this idea of stability in the midst of difficult circumstances and that can be either relational human beings or circumstances around us. Webster defines conflict as emotional disturbance resulting from a clash of opposing impulses. My friend Bob Shank defines it this way and I kind of like this: it's the absence of personal peace. So that right there kind of gives you a hint of where we're heading in this whole process.

Circumstances, two latin words, and the idea of stances is the idea of all the things that are standing all around us. So they can be huge things, which my experience is most of us do well with the big things, or it can be little things. So these things that come into our lives, people, places, things that begin to test us, they do two things. They reveal character and they build character all at the same time.

A Framework for Conflict Resolution

Here's what we were talking about in terms of conflict resolution. It revolves around being in touch with our own emotions. You get personal inventory here determining whether this matter that's a conflict is public or private. That's huge by the way, we're going to talk about it in a minute. Discovering the cause behind this and then pursuing a course of action.

I've got three options, you'll probably find more if you do, feel free to email me those because I can't wait to get them. Number one is to live with resolved conflict. That's what most of you do, a little bit of denial, a little bit of just go away. The second one is to wait for somebody else to take the initiative. I'll just wait. She must know what she did. He has to know that he's done this. So I assume that then I gin up all of this anger against them or to seize the responsibility and to go and to take responsibility for taking care of this yourself.

Most of the conflict doesn't involve other people. So here's what we're saying to you and this is where we're going with this whole lesson is we want to start with, it should make you happy because we're talking about your favorite subject, it starts with and ends with you. This is an internal issue. That's where we're going to go first.

Five Battlefields of Conflict

We've listed there five circumstances that can be battlefields and number one, two, three, and four are all internal. The fifth is external. When my authority is challenged, when my expectations are unmet, when my accomplishments are exceeded, when my deficiencies are discovered, then kind of external when our rights are violated. So this whole idea of really taking the time to look inside to understand how destructive these things can be inside and actually how you can control the situation.

We have a gal at church, two gals, BFF, best friends forever. But I noticed that because it was like they were shadows. One day I don't see them together and all of a sudden it occurs to me I hadn't seen them together for a while. So I said to the one gal, how is so-and-so? And she said, I don't know, I don't see her anymore. I said, really? That's too bad. I thought you guys were best friends. We are. And I said, you know, it's none of my business, but what's the problem? Here's what she said. She said, our eight-year-olds have irreconcilable differences. And I said, oh, really? So there's an opportunity to teach them, to take them through.

When People Become Irrational

I see this all the time. Somebody will get sideways. I see this a lot. Whenever we deal with people and their kids, people become irrational. Our staff knows your kid better than you. And we clearly can see if you're raising a punk or not. And it's amazing how often we'll go to the parent and go, you know, Biff here is just not quite the kid you think he is. Oh, you don't understand him. Oh, everybody picks on him.

We got a real problem with this one girl. Here's her father's answer. She's just too pretty. She's prettier than all the other girls. That's the problem. And I said, oh, my gosh. You know, and she's very attractive. She's very attractive. And that's a little bit because if you're pretty, life is going to give you a lot of leeway. You know, if you're handsome, I've learned this. Being short and fat, I've learned nobody cuts me any slack. I'm not angry about it. I'm just sharing these things with you.

The Good News and Bad News

And so in the midst of that, here's our contention in this whole process is good news, bad news. The bad news is in most of these situations, you're the problem. The good news is because you're the problem, we can fix it. When my father was alive, I would go back every September and almost essentially just to see my dad, but

to play golf with him. So we're over Kansas at thirty-three thousand feet and I'm coming back. I played golf every day for a week, which is a lot for me.

I have this thought: as it relates to golf, I'm either going to get better or I'm going to quit. I can't handle this. I don't play golf very often. I'm probably not a ton of fun to play with because I get fairly serious about it. I said, I can't handle it. I can't go out and play like I just played.

So I'm flying back and I said, I'm going to get better or I'm going to quit. I called Duff and said, I just need you to - I don't know if I need a lesson or something. Can you meet me at the driving range?

Golf Lessons and Life Fundamentals

We go up and he said, get a club you're hitting well. I said, if I was hitting a club well, we wouldn't be here. That's obvious. He said, well, get your favorite club. I said, just tell me what to get. He said, get a seven iron. I said, all right.

I said, you want to see my swing? He said, no, let's see your grip. So I put the club down and I show him and he said, all right, look at this. Get that hand over just a bit. This hand's creeping this way. This hand's creeping this way. Just fix that a little bit. That's perfect.

Want to see my swing? He said, no, set up over the ball. I said, all right, so I'm set up. He said, look at your feet. Your stance is open. You got your stance open like this. You got to close it. There's no way you're going to hit the ball straight. The only way you're going to hit it straight is if you take your swing and just kind of move it around and get it all funky. Just square your feet up. I said, all right.

Want to see me swing? He said, no, look at your shoulders. Now you got your feet square and your shoulders are open. I said, you got to help me here. So I'm all set up. Classic, perfect swing setup. I said, you want to see my swing? He said, okay. I said, what should I think about? And he said, just swing it.

The Power of Getting the Basics Right

It was an incredibly freeing moment for me. I went back and read some stuff where Jack Nicklaus said 90 percent of bad shots occur before the club's taken back from the ball. So it really is. If your feet are square and your hands are right and your shoulders are right and you have just a little bit of athletic ability, all you got to do is take it back and bring it through. Now, it's not that simple - I get it. But it's that base.

What we're doing today is the same thing. Going back and saying, how's your grip? How's your stance? How are your shoulders? I mean, we've got half an hour left. The chances of you hearing something new now are almost zero. If you walk out here and go, wow, that was revolutionary, then we confirm two things. Number one, you're from Tucson.

I met my computer - this is about a year ago. I have a mouse and I'm moving, and nothing happens. I hate - I'm just not a real computer guy, and I hate it. So I call our support guy and I said, I got a problem. He said, what's the problem? I said, the thing's locked up. And he said, well, check. I said, I can't check it, it's locked up. It's locked.

He said, I'm right in the middle of a huge transition here. How important is it? And I said, how important is your job? I mean, that's the way to sort these things through. So the next thing I know - and I said, hey, listen, it's me, it doesn't matter, just whenever you can get to it. He said, let me do some stuff and be over. I said, no problem.

Simple Solutions to Complex Problems

So he comes over, and my mouse - we're going to - is a remote mouse. He said, did you check the battery? And I said, what, I don't know, what battery? The battery in the mouse. I said, well, I don't know there's a battery. All I've ever done is move it around, and it moves. How would I know there's a battery? And he said, well, look at the bottom. Take the battery out, put a new battery in. Oh, look, it moves.

Now, here's what's really a good ending to that. About seven or eight months later, my computer wasn't working. I took the mouse, took out the batteries, put new batteries in, and the mouse worked again. See, I find that really encouraging, because that's what we're trying to do. Really basic stuff that once you get it, you'll be fine.

Authority and Anger in Relationships

So when somebody pushes back on your authority, you tend to respond. You tend to get angry. I'm struck, as I read through the Bible, very little instruction on how to raise kids. We seem to write volumes about it, but very little instruction there. And the one kind of stated in the negative is, fathers don't provoke your children to anger.

I've thought about that a lot, and I think part of it is, for guys, as things are out of control, the one thing we feel we can control, or at least dominate for some period of time, is our kids. I found it in my life, that if life was tough, I tended to be shorter-fused with my kids. A little bit of pushback, and who are you to challenge me?

The Problem of Unmet Expectations

So the idea of expectations. In most instances, unmet expectations are a huge issue. I'm going to give you a tip. You can't meet expectations if they aren't defined.

We said that - we did something different Friday night, I think I told you about it. We were doing Good Friday outside, one group, all together. So we were sitting down and debriefing it, and my question was, because we determined it was good, but I thought it was interesting, we never said ahead of time what would make it good. It didn't rain, you know, that kind of thing.

So in a relationship, this is my classic. I had a guy from one of these studies, a business guy, come up one day and said, will you be my friend? I said, sure. So like two months later, he calls, he's very upset, can I come and...

Unmet Expectations Create Conflict

I had an interesting encounter with a guy who came out of a meeting and said, "I'm very disappointed in you." When I asked why, he said, "You're not a very good friend." I said, "Really? Because I've returned every phone call, we've gone to lunch twice and I let you buy. I think that meets all my standards of friendship."

But he said, "No, when I said be my friend, I thought our wives would have dinner together." I said, "No, no, no, no. Pal, I'm not looking for friends. I don't need friends, I don't want any more friends. I got all the friends I want. I got more friends than I want." His expectation was very different from mine. I told him I was really sorry and that I just assumed when he said friend, he meant what I said—we'd return calls, see one another periodically. But he was very upset because I didn't have time for what he expected.

When Our Buttons Get Pushed

Conflict often erupts when someone discovers our weaknesses or pushes our buttons. I got a call one night around one or two in the morning: "Can you come to so-and-so's house? The husband has locked himself in the bedroom and he's got a gun." I drove over, the police were there, and they asked if I was going to talk to him. I said, "Well, where's the gun?" This guy wasn't my friend, and they said they had secured the gun.

So I went in and we talked. The police left, and though it was late, the couple wanted to talk right then. He sat over here, she sat over here, and she started telling a story. I'd heard these same stories a thousand times and was probably drifting off a little. All of a sudden, this guy went nuts. I said, "Wait, wait, wait," because obviously I was missing something.

I said, "Listen, sweetie, that's a very complicated story. Can you tell it again?" So I watched, and she hit the same point—which I still didn't see—and he went nuts again. When we settled down, here's what he said: "It's like she has a remote control. She knows all my buttons, she knows what to push." You're going to react when somebody pushes your buttons and exposes your deficiencies. And then lastly, of course, when your rights are violated.

The Call to Be Peacemakers

If you have Bibles, you can open them to 1 Peter 2, where we're going to focus. Jesus makes this appeal in the beginning of the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew chapter 5, verse 9: "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God."

When Jesus talks about peacemakers here, He's not necessarily talking about how we interact with the world. In that beginning of the Sermon on the Mount, I think He's giving us a description of how a Christian should live, especially in relationship with Him. What makes me be called a son of God? Because the Bible teaches by nature we're children of wrath, by nature we're in rebellion. How do I move from this rebellious kid to a son of God? By making peace with God. It's coming in faith. It's where we find salvation. We find salvation in Christ and Christ alone.

The Exclusivity of Christ

Clearly coming off of last weekend, Good Friday, Easter, you hear that message, you see that. If you're in a church, and at Good Friday and Easter, they didn't talk about Jesus dying for your sin and Jesus rising from the dead—if they gave that some sort of allegorical meaning—then I don't care what church it is, get out of it.

O'Reilly was on the other night trying to deal with the cover story from Time Magazine about Rob Bell's book, where Rob Bell is contending there is no hell. He found some liberal theologian from South Carolina or North Carolina, so they started talking about hell. Here's the thing about O'Reilly: Him talking about theology is like George Clooney talking about politics. It's not good. Bill O'Reilly doesn't know anything about theology. He's a Catholic, and I don't think he understands even what they believe.

One of my go-to phrases to demonstrate grace is that Gandhi's the nicest man in hell. I base this on Gandhi's own testimony, where Gandhi says, "I reject Jesus Christ. I accept His teaching, I accept Him as a role model, but I refuse to believe that Jesus died for my sin." So based on Gandhi's own testimony—he could have changed his mind, we don't know that—but based on that statement, we have to conclude that Gandhi's in hell.

The World's Struggle with Grace

This theologian said, "There are even evangelicals out there that would say Gandhi's in hell." O'Reilly said, "That's nuts. That's crazy." Then he read Catholic doctrine about baptism by desire—that if somebody doesn't know Jesus, but they desire to follow God, that's as good as being baptized. I almost wrote my very first email to O'Reilly. I wanted to say, "Gandhi knows the Catholic doctrine better than you do. Gandhi rejected Jesus."

I'm not trying to judge Gandhi here, but I'm telling you, this is what he said. If Jesus is the only way, why are we trying to get Gandhi into heaven? We have to deal with these things all the time, and they're very difficult. But either Jesus is the only way, or He isn't. If He's the only way, and Gandhi says, "I read the gospels every day, but I reject Jesus," then Gandhi's the nicest guy in hell.

O'Reilly represents the world. They have no box for grace. As human beings, we don't get grace. I talk to Jamie a lot, and I know Jamie's been teaching through grace. I can tell you, every time I teach grace, I get flack from both sides. One side has that O'Reilly kind of view that says, "But he's a good guy, she's a good guy." You go to the other side, and they'll say, "Grace? Wait a minute, what about obedience and all of this stuff?"

Peace with God is set by my relationship with Jesus. Romans chapter five, verse one: I have faith, and my faith puts me in a position where I now have peace with God through Christ. And because I have peace with God, I can now have what we want so much, which is the peace of God.

Approaching Conflict with Superiors

In this whole conflict resolution, as you look on your outline upper right-hand corner, as we talk about the approach with superiors, we're talking about work. Number one: accept the chain of command.

Submit—it's 1 Peter 2:13, the beginning of that verse: "Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men." So we just celebrated April 15th. What's the relationship between the Christian and the IRS? On April 15th, two things: pay and pray. Pay them what you owe them. Don't pay them any more. Don't pay them any less. Pay them what you owe them and then pray for them.

It's the same thing. Wives, submit to your husband. Well, what if he's an idiot? Well, number one, that calls your judgment into question because you married the idiot—you picked him. Husbands love your wife. But she's not lovable. Okay, pal, you said you wanted her. Children, obey your parents. This is very simple.

What if my parents are wrong? We get this a lot. This is an interesting thing because we'll get this a lot as we deal with students. Your stereotypical thing is you got parents dragging their teenagers to church. We have a lot of teenagers that drag their parents to church. We have a lot of teenagers who are really being parented poorly, whose parents are making huge, stupid mistakes that even the 13 or 14-year-old can see.

And you've got to go, that's your mom, that's your dad. When they say to do something, unless it's illegal, unless they're commanding you to do something God forbids, or forbidding you to do something God commands, then you have to obey them. If you're disobedient—well, do this. It's easy because it removes it. Parents, children, we can kind of get it out of the way here. If that child is disobedient to the parent, the child's disobedient to God.

I'm talking to a guy at his church—they're in the middle of a building program—and he said, "I don't really agree with what they're building or how they're building it, but I'm giving to it because that's their responsibility, not mine." Listen, they're the elders. If you can't follow them, get out of the church. You don't need to get your friends together and try to unpack all this thing. God didn't put you in charge of that church.

Accept Occasional Injustices

Here's the second thing: accept occasional injustices. "Slaves, submit yourselves therefore to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate." I made a profound statement two weeks ago that you should have written down, and it should be your screensaver. It said this: expect bad things daily. And everybody goes, "You're pessimistic." No, I'm a fortune teller. I'm just telling you how this is going down.

So there are going to be those injustices. There's going to be those times where you feel like you've been dealt dirty, and maybe even have, but you have to be very careful in the midst of all of this.

When I get into parenting, I can tell you how we did it. I would never say to you, this is how you should do it. So at our house, we had no rules, no chores, we had no curfew, and I insisted my daughters not get jobs. Now, I know most of you, it's always the other way. I'm fine with that.

Here's what I discovered: them getting a job all it did was screw up our family dynamic. They weren't making any money. You throw them in and got them working at a Taco Bell with 14 drug dealers—what sense does that make? But that's just me. I mean, I'm just saying that's how I approach it.

So I would say, but we didn't have any chores, and we didn't have any things, and they had total control in their room. Do whatever you want in there. Don't bring it out here, but do whatever you want in there.

So Sarah finally gets her first job. She goes to school, gets her job. So I take her out to lunch—she's been there two weeks. I said, "How's it going?" She said, "Not very well." And I said, "What's the problem?" She goes, "Dad, this guy doesn't know what he's doing." I said, "What guy?" "The guy running the department." "The guy with three PhDs, that one?" "Yeah, he doesn't know what he's doing. I've had two years of training now."

I said, "All right, here's the deal, sweetie. You may be right, but he's the boss. And he may be making stupid decisions, and he may not even be treating you fairly, but as long as you're there, if you're disobedient to him, you're disobedient to God."

Develop Thick Skin

The third thing is, you need to develop a little bit of thick skin. "It is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God." And there's going to be hardship. And frankly, I don't think we do very well at this.

I'm reading an article, and they're talking about—and I can't remember, it was an African country—they were persecuting the Christians, and they were transporting them from one jail to the other. They didn't handcuff them. Here's what they did. They took barbed wire, and they wrapped it loosely around their neck, and then went to the next guy and wrapped it around his neck. And so they said, probably they're not going to be running in a lot of different directions. That's going on all around the world.

At our church, we have a really nice little chapel. We decorated, designed, reoriented it a few years ago. Took out very comfortable pews, put in chairs, allowed us to get more people in, changed the front. So I got this guy—he comes up, and he lights me up like a Christmas tree, and his primary concern is—it's not unlike the chairs you're in right now. These are not terribly comfortable chairs. They hold you up for 45 minutes, but he said, "These chairs are awful. I don't have any space, there's no place to put my Bible, they're very uncomfortable." I said,

I don't know what to do. I'm not going to rip them out. Maybe you need to find another church with big, fluffy chairs. So two weeks later, he comes up, and he said, "If I give you a book, will you read it?" And I said, "Probably not, because everybody gives me books, and I don't hardly read any of them ever."

So he gives me this book, and he starts to walk away. It's a book on the persecuted church. I said, "Hey, pal, come here a minute. What's this book about?" And he said, "It's about suffering, persecution, Christians dying for the faith." I said, "Really? Did they make them sit in awful chairs like this? Is that the point? Did, for an hour and a half, they not give them all the air conditioning they needed, and the music was too loud? Is that the torture, or did they endure something even worse than that?" That makes life easy.

But you have to understand, in the midst of this, that this suffering, just take it, especially as you get older. Older people get very crotchety, and that's clearly people in this room, very crotchety and picky, and I see that in my own life. I see that in my own life. I kind of get like my dad - whenever we would be together as a family, if we were inside, he was outside. If we were outside, he'd go inside, and I always thought that was very weird. I just thought, "This just seems strange to me."

Except, having now been in this situation with six grandkids, and the oldest is five, when they move inside, I tend to move outside. When they move outside, I tend to move inside. I had Yale the other day. I said, "Yale, come here, man." He said, "What do you want?" And I said, "Where's the volume on you? Where's the switch to just turn you down a little bit?" He said, "I don't know what you mean, Papa." I said, "Nothing, it just made me feel better. Go play, I guess."

Following Christ's Example in Suffering

But it's just that you're going to get screwed. You're going to get taken advantage of. If you submit to Him, will there be time? Sure. If you love her unconditionally, will there be time? Sure. But you follow Christ's example. Here's what Peter writes in 1 Peter 2:21: "To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example that you should follow in His steps. He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in His mouth. When they hurled insults at Him, He didn't retaliate. When He suffered, He made no threats. Instead, He entrusted Himself to those who judged justly."

God will figure it out. It's Romans chapter 12: "Vengeance is mine," said the Lord.

The Matthew 18 Approach to Conflict

Well, what about those situations, and you'll see them there, that we reference Matthew 18. When you think Matthew 18, those of you who have been around will go, "Oh, that's church discipline." Yes, it is. It's a prescription for us dealing with sin in the church. But what I've discovered over the years is it's pretty good advice to you in your relationships.

So you're in a relationship - it could be husband, wife, parent, child, friends, neighbors, people at church, I don't know. What do you do in this conflict situation? How do you approach others?

Step one: you take the initiative. Matthew 18:15: "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault." It's just between the two of you. It's the second point, and it's kind of the extension: do it privately. "If your brother sins against you, go, show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you've won a brother over."

I got two emails - this was terrific. I got two emails yesterday morning. This rarely happens, because usually it's me writing these. Both of them apologizing for - one was just a gal, Easter, you know, like your church, every church, just a lot of people. And I went over and I said hello to this gal. She was talking to someone else. And so I kind of interrupted a little bit. And then I just went away. And she sent me an email saying, "I think I was rude to you, I'm sorry."

But all of this - here you go. Just for the sake of discussion, why don't you give people the benefit of the doubt? Why do we have to go through all this stuff as absolute war? If you're going to confront somebody, do it privately.

The Problem with Gossip Instead of Direct Confrontation

So somebody would come to me and say, "I'd like to talk to you about so-and-so," and I said, "Well, I don't know that I need to hear this, but I want you to tell me that you'll hold this conversation in confidentiality." Never. I'll never make that promise to you. Because you may tell me something that needs to be acted upon or whatever, and then I'll go, "Okay, well, I'm going to tell you anyway." I said, "All right, I'm going to stop you if we get..." So they start, "Here's what she did." Stop. "Did you go to her?" "No." "Okay. Pal, here's what's going to happen."

And you've got to get this, all of you that write stuff down, this is something that's worth writing down, okay. This is one, you've got to get this. This is like a key. If you get this, you're going to understand your heart and human relationships.

The Key to Understanding Human Conflict

When you're sinned against, you tend to respond sinfully. That is gigantic in unpacking human relationship. Let's say Susan sins against me - my flinch is to respond sinfully to her. If you get that, I'm telling you, you can take a - if you've got a hundred situations where you're like this, I'll bet you can get rid of 90 of them just with that premise. When somebody responds and sins to you, you tend to come back with a sinful response. Now, you'll go and say, "But my sin's not as big as theirs." We're not measuring these babies, I'm just telling you, they sin against you, you tend to respond against them.

So you go to them, you go to them privately, and that's what I said, I said, "If you haven't talked, why are you doing - why are you talking to her friends? Why are you talking to everybody around you?" But one thing that drives me nuts in the church is the way people yap. They can't shut up. They talk and talk and talk. They don't like this, they don't like that. They don't go to the person, they go to - and then they go, like in this situation, here's what this...

Someone came up to me recently thinking, "I'll pull rank on her. Tom will fix it." I said, "Listen, have you gone to her? No, you are in the process now of sinning against her, and here's what's going to happen. This happens all the time. That's going to get fixed, and you're still going to be in sin."

If a brother sins against you, go and show him his fault. It's just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you've won a brother over.

Practical Tips for Confrontation

When you go to them, these are little tips. I used to think I didn't need to give them, but I've learned I do. When you speak to them, don't use words like stupid or idiot. That won't help. Don't use phrases like "you always," "you never," or "every time."

It's very hard, and I never have been very good at this, but the objective here is to focus on the sin, not the sinner. Now, the problem is the sin's wrapped up in the sinner. Most people, when you come to them and say, "Here's what you're doing, and it's wrong," they resent that and they push back. That's their problem. I'm not interested here in how this turns out. I'm interested in the process. Our objective is to restore a relationship.

Living in Peace When Possible

The ultimate objective is Romans 12:18. This is another one of those verses that when I first came upon it, I went, "Wow, I should make a list of verses like that." If it's possible, as far as it depends on you, live in peace with everyone.

I think that's very realistic. If it's possible. You're not going to fix every one of these. I've got two, three, four people in my life that - this is my assessment now, they might see it different - they're really messed up, and there's no way to fix it. I've gone to them, I've talked to them, kind of acknowledge it, can't get fixed. Here's what I do: as best I can, I live in peace with them.

I've got a guy here in town, another pastor, and we go at it all the time over doctrine. I get very frustrated. I don't know how you can't see this. This seems very clear to me. He'll come back and say, "But if that's true, what..." And I say, "Stop, that's not a legitimate argument. That's a discussion question. Let's discuss whether it's true, not if it's true, what does it mean?"

Choosing Peace Over Winning

So we're going at it the other day. We reach a point - this is what I do in every stress situation - I said, "Let's go eat. At least you're going to have to shut up some of the time." I gave a big hug and said, "I love you, man, you're a terrific guy. I don't know how you don't see it." He said, "I don't know how you see it that way." I said, "You need to know, if you ever need anything, any time, you are my friend. You can call me."

It's a spirit - you don't need to win. Even when you start talking about winning the argument, what's the point? Life's too short to be fighting about all these things that don't matter.

Tex Earnhardt said something I don't quote often, but they were asking him what he's learned and how you deal with things. He said, "I tell people the five-year rule. When two people are disputing, you have to ask yourself, am I going to care about this in five years or not? And if I do, then I probably ought to fight it."

Learning When to Engage

I'm in a really interesting situation in my life because I'm trying to exit, not in any hurried way, but transfer more and more responsibility around church and the things we do. I'm trying to learn the dance of when to speak into things and when not to.

I've said it's like raising my kids. If my daughter came to me and said, "I want to get a tattoo," I'd say, "Well, where are you going to put it?" "On the lower part of my back." I'd say, "Okay. I don't know why you'd want to do that. It's going to hurt. It's going to be expensive. I'm not going to pay for this. But if you want to put a tattoo on your lower back, go ahead. Whatever."

What if she said, "I'm going to put it on my cheek"? I'd say, "You ought to talk to Mike Tyson. This just does not work out well. This is not a good long-term decision."

Most of the stuff we're fighting over doesn't even matter.

Five Quick Tips

Let me give you five tips real quickly:

Perform conflict inventories constantly. My friend Larry Wright did this. Every time Larry and I were done when we were together, every time there was nothing left unsaid. He died suddenly. I've had so many people say, "Isn't there something you want to tell Larry?" No. Every time we were done, we were done with that conversation. There was never unfinished business left. So you're looking at your life constantly.

Process inner conflict privately. If you've got a problem with somebody, then you need to go to them. By the way, I'm not saying it's wrong to pull in a counselor. I'm saying it's wrong to pull in all your friends on this stuff.

Appraise external conflict accurately. Chart a careful course of confrontation. Always pursue peace.

The Foundation: Peace with God

When we're talking about conflict resolution, the beginning point is to resolve our conflict with God. We're naturally at war with God. When we have peace with God, we can begin to experience the peace of God.

We're in a climate right now - you know this, I don't need to tell you - jobs are tight, money's tight, things are tight, pressure's on. It feels like everything's different. You're watching the debt clock. Everything has this intensity to it.

Next week, we're going to look at - for some of you, it's too late, but we're going to start talking about money. This is really good stuff. We've been teaching the same stuff for 25 years. If you follow it, this is just God's plan for you.

Father, thank You that we can know You and love You. Thank You for the peace that we can have.

We find in your Son, Jesus. We pray to You in His name, amen.