Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
Tom Shrader addresses the reality that families have changed dramatically since the idealized 1950s sitcom era, and with that change comes new challenges for holiday gatherings. He provides practical biblical wisdom for three common holiday scenarios: what to do if you have no place to go, how to handle too many invitations, and most importantly, how to deal with family situations you're dreading. Drawing from various scripture passages, he emphasizes the importance of understanding the root causes of family conflict, managing expectations realistically, and choosing to be a peacemaker while maintaining healthy boundaries.
“Some people, including family, you just get along with some better than others. You just like them better. You just do. It's an easier mix.”
— Tom Shrader
Series: Christmas (2015)
Recorded: December 10, 2015
Duration: 39 min
Themes: family, conflict, boundaries, peacemaking, expectations, forgiveness, relationships, holidays, dreading family gatherings, divorced parents, blended families, adult children, empty nesters, estranged relatives, holiday stress, family dysfunction
Scripture: Luke 10, Acts 18, John 11, Matthew 19, Genesis 2, Genesis 16, Genesis 25, Genesis 27, 2 Kings 5, Acts 15, Acts 7, Romans 12:18, Philippians 4
Theological Themes: biblical wisdom, practical theology, christian living, relational theology, conflict resolution, pastoral care, family ministry, biblical counseling
Full Transcript
The Reality of Modern Families
Today is really practical. We titled this, we wrote this 20 years ago and it's called Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? What we're anticipating is the inevitability of this time of the year that you will be getting together with family and friends. In the course of that, there are issues.
So we start with three questions for today. What do you do if you have no place to go? What do you do if you have too many places to go? And then this is the one that's really good. What if you don't want to go? We're going to talk about those almost always in the context of family.
One of the things that's been really significant to get our arms around is that families are different than they used to be. I walked in the other night and Susan had on Leave it to Beaver and they were debriefing Beaver's Sunday school class. The chances of you seeing anything like that in this day and age are zero. It was a whole different world. It was a whole different time.
The Old Days of Community
You had essentially parents who were, if they weren't, they were at least portrayed as healthy. There was a freedom of life. I just remember watching Ozzy and Harriet and always assuming Ozzy was a consultant because I never saw him go to work.
This is interesting sociologically and it has impact on the church as well. There was something that was in place, let's stay with Ozzy and Harriet for a second, in their life that is a huge buzzword today. It was community. So you had Thorny and Doc and Joe and Ozzy and they said, "What are you going to do this weekend?" "I don't know, I'm going to go fishing." And then they'd go fishing. That's a huge buzzword now. We spend a ton of time at church talking about reestablishing community.
The family was, again, essentially healthy. There would be a problem, maybe Ricky would have two dates for the prom. That was kind of what you dealt with. But if you had problems, they were the exception, not the rule.
Today's Family Breakdown
If you look at families more now, by contrast, you'll even see in some of the sitcoms on television, you'll see the parents portrayed as having even more problems than the kids. You see kids that are out of control. You'll see an eight-year-old shoot his dad. All you have to do is make one simple trip to a toy store or stand by the checkout line at the grocery store and you will see that kids are out of control.
I'm in church Sunday and we're all done and these kids are running all over and I'm thinking, and we kind of semi-sort of have our stuff together at church and some of the people there do and I'm thinking, who owns these kids? This is a five-year-old number. 24% of kids in the country are living with both biological parents. So three out of four kids are not living with both biological parents.
Let me be positive here. This will be the one little thing for the day I'll be positive about. Neighborhoods do seem to be coming together again. But essentially, the last time you talked to your neighbor is when you said, "You got your car parked in front of my house." Maybe I'm too autobiographical here. Or "Your dog's barking" or "Turn that down."
The Dramatic Change
The problems now are not the exception, they're the rule. I was thinking about this in preparation for this. In my eighth grade class, I was trying to remember how many kids were in our eighth grade class and I'm going to guess around 38. I know class size now is 23, but if you have a nun, you can do 38.
Think about this now. There was not one kid in our eighth grade class who came from a broken family. Now I grant you that's 44 years ago. The point is things have changed. Relationships now tend to be much more surface than ever. It's against that backdrop that we ask these questions.
When You Have No Place to Go
What do you do if you have no place to go? It's Thanksgiving, it's Christmas. Oftentimes, especially if you're single, these are huge issues. You have nowhere to go. I remember my first Christmas down here, 1975, and I'm driving over the Mill Street Bridge and I'd never seen palm trees with Christmas lights on them. And there they were and the radio's on and it's playing "I'll Be Home for Christmas." I remember pulling over into Monty's parking lot and sitting there and just crying like a baby with no place to go and I didn't know anybody.
What do you do if you're in that equation? Well, let me give you two ideas, and they're absolutely radically different.
Option One: Get Together with Similar People
One is get together with similar people. I'll give you a reference, we're not going to turn there. Luke 10. What happens there is Jesus, and we don't often think of Him this way, was an adult single man. What He was doing so often, if you look at, and cut me slack on terms, free time, you see Him hanging out with Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. Those were the guys that were together, and they were these four adult singles hanging together and living life together.
So don't be afraid if you have nothing to do to look around with people who are in similar situations and you become the catalyst for getting these people together. In 1979, Susan and I were married. She is, on Christmas Eve, a week away from delivering Sarah, and a friend of ours that I worked with invited us to what she called Orphan's Christmas. It was at her house where she invited everybody she knew, and her husband knew, that didn't know anyone to come there Christmas Eve.
I wasn't sure, and we went, and it was a really cool time. They had chili and soup and all sorts of stuff, and we sat around and they had gifts and candy for all the kids, and it gave us a place to go when we had nowhere else to go. If you have no place to go, you might consider being the catalyst of it.
Option Two: Accept Invitations from Others
Here's the flip side. Accept invitations from other people. In Acts 18, where Jesus is hanging out with similar people, meaning state of life, Mary, Martha, Lazarus, in Acts 18, Paul hooks up with Priscilla and Aquila. Here's this married couple, and all he has with them, now they have faith, other than that, what they have in common is
They're in the same industry. By the way, footnote - stop the tape. Because we talk so much about marriage and family, if you were going to look in the New Testament trying to find a couple to model life after, it's going to be a really hard deal, because there aren't many of them in the New Testament. You've got Ananias and Sapphira, that didn't work out so well, so I wouldn't go that way. And then you've got Priscilla and Aquila.
A friend of mine one time - and it may have been the greatest lesson I've ever heard, in that I just sat there in awe of the way he put this lesson together - took Priscilla and Aquila and just traced three or four instances where we see them in Scripture and what they were doing, and it was an amazing lesson. You could do it yourself. Just look at what they were doing at that point in time and how God would have that for you.
So here you go. If you've got no place to go: one, you'd be the catalyst to get together. Two, be open to accepting other offers.
When You Have Too Many Places to Go
Here's the second thing. What if you are coming to this time of the year and you have too many places to go? And so, there's all these phone calls with these invitations, and some of them - we're going to talk a lot about family now - some of them, the phone call itself and the invitation itself equals an obligation.
So they're calling and they're saying, "Are you coming over for Christmas? Well, this could be Nana's last Christmas." Now, forget the fact that they've been saying this since '76 and this old bag won't die. But this could be Nana's last Christmas. "Well, then she won't know if I'm there or not." I mean, you've got to have a little resolve here, man.
Relationships and families tend to be goofy, and at this time of the year, they're at their goofiest. So if you've got too many places to go this time of year, this is really helpful stuff. You need to take control of the situation.
This is probably a huge stretch. But in John chapter 11, the word comes to Jesus that Lazarus is sick, and Jesus doesn't go because He has a higher purpose. Now, I understand there's something radically different. My point to you is just because somebody calls and invites you and even expects you to go doesn't mean you need to go.
The Challenge of Multiple Families
And it used to be really difficult because you would have this new family - you're now married and you've got these in-laws. But now, you don't even have in-laws. You don't have just two sets of them. You now have like four sets of these and eight sets of these.
Don't be afraid to say no, one. And then two, I'm going to tell you this, and a lot from experience today. When you say no, you have to have the resolve that when they go, "Well, I guess you just don't really love us," you say, "We love you, just not enough to spend Christmas Eve with you." So you've got to tell them that.
Establishing Your Own Traditions
Here's the second thing. And I see this a lot in relationships. You've got to establish your own traditions. Jesus quotes in Matthew 19 from Genesis 2 where He said, "For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother, be united with his wife, and the two become one flesh. So no longer two, but one. And therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate."
There are these new families that are sprouting up. When I leave my mom and dad, to form this new marriage, that relationship supersedes all others. That's my primary responsibility. I love my mom, I love my dad, but I love Susan more. My responsibility is to Susan more.
My responsibility to Susan - I love Susan more than I love my kids, and I love my kids a lot, but I told them from the time they were little dinky kids, "You understand that I love your mom more than you. Don't jack around with me on this, because she's more important to me than you. You all are going to leave. I'm stuck with her forever. So I'm throwing a lot of energy into that relationship, because this one's going to go away." And they proved me right. They both deserted me and started new families.
When that new family starts, don't be afraid to begin those new traditions. Susan and I have done a great job of freeing our kids up to say, "You don't need to be here. You don't need to be here on Thanksgiving. You don't need to be here on Christmas. You don't need to be here." It's far more important that we're hanging out 364 days of the year than everybody getting together for some stupid picture on Christmas Eve and pretending that this is really healthy.
I had a guy in this study years ago, and I said, "What are you doing for the holiday?" And he said, it was like slow motion, and he said, "I told my kids I'm not going to be around much longer. You need to begin your own traditions."
So if you have too many places to go, don't you be afraid to take control of that situation.
When You Don't Want to Go
I want to give you some advice. This is the third thing, and we're going to hang here for the rest of our time. What if you don't have any desire to go to these things? You've been dreading this since June. You're already role-playing it. You're going to knock on the door. They're going to open the door, and your first words are going to be, "We can't stay long. The kids need a nap, and they really need to be in their own bed."
"When's their nap time?"
"Oh, like 11 minutes from now."
Now, this has holiday ramifications. That's why we do it. But this works in all relationships through all year long. Here's what you need to do. If you got places you don't want to go, here's what you need to do.
Determining the Basis for Conflict
You need to determine the basis for this whole conflict. Why do I feel this way? You need to sort that out. You need to think this baby through. Here's some possibilities.
Number one, divided loyalties. Genesis chapter 16 is this great story. I'm going to invite you to turn there. Genesis chapter 16, verse one.
God has made this promise to Abraham and Sarah. You are going to have these kids and descendants as many as the stars. Abraham's now bumping up toward 100. Sarah's 90, doesn't look like this is going to work out.
Sarah, Genesis 16:1: "Abraham's wife had borne him no children, but she had an Egyptian maidservant named Hagar. So she said to Abraham, 'The Lord has kept me from having children. Go sleep with my maidservant. Perhaps I can build my family through her.'" So what Sarah does is exercise really a cultural prerogative of that day and says, "Let's build the family that way."
Now, it doesn't say this here, but here's what I think happened. Sarah says to Abraham, "You need to go sleep with Hagar." He said, "I could never do that. Which one's Hagar? That one? I could never do that. That tall, thin one with the dark hair, that one? I could never... oh, okay." So that's how that went. I don't know that, because it doesn't say it, but I sensed it had that element to it.
Abraham agreed, and after Abraham had been living in Canaan 10 years, Sarah took Hagar and gave her to His wife. He slept with her, she conceived. And when she was pregnant, she despised her mistress. And Sarah said, "Abraham, you are responsible for the wrong I'm suffering. I put my servant in your arms. I know that she's pregnant. She despises me. May the Lord judge you."
Complicated Family Dynamics
All of a sudden, there may be these divided loyalties. It may be that in these relationships, you have at this core, "I never liked you. I liked your first husband better. We never got along as kids."
Let me just say this. I want to say it out loud so you feel the freedom. Some people, including family, you just get along with some better than others. You just like them better. You just do. It's an easier mix. It could be a whole variety of things, why it's that way, it just is.
So remember the context now, because I'm going to go back to this again. We're talking about, "I don't want to go." I'm saying you better figure out why you don't want to go, and we're going to try to address it that way.
Different Temperaments and Personalities
Here's the second thing that could be at play. Turn to Genesis 25. It could be that we're dealing with just different temperaments, different personalities.
"When the time came for her to give birth, there were twins in her womb" (Genesis 25:24). "The first came out red, and his whole body was like a hairy garment, so they named him Esau. And after this, his brother came out. His hand grasping Esau's heel, so he was called Jacob. Isaac was 60 years old when Rebekah gave birth to them. And the boys grew up. Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob, a quiet man, staying among the tents. Isaac, who had taste for wild game, loved Esau. Rebekah loved Jacob."
Let's look at this. These kids popped out of the womb different.
A Personal Story About Different Approaches to Life
Years ago, my dad is visiting, and I'm working, and we're working on a deal, and we're going to go play golf or something. I don't remember that part of it. And I said to him, "We need to go by the office." So we went by the office. I said, "You want to come in?" He said, "I'd love to come in."
And so we end up in this room on a conference call talking about, with a bunch of lawyers, so you know, for me, at that point, there's problems. And we're trying to negotiate a deal. It's going back and forth and back and forth. Nothing's going right. And finally, the guy says, "I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to do it. I'm not willing to do it. We're done." And it was like, click, click, click, click.
So we get in the car, and my dad doesn't say a word. We get in the car, and my dad said, "It doesn't sound like that deal's going to make." I said, "No, it doesn't sound like that deal's going to make." He said, "How long have you been working on that?" I said, "Oh, about six months. Are you going to get paid?" I said, "Well, they have this kind of stupid tradition here that you actually have to close the deal before they pay you. So, no, I won't get paid."
And he said this. It was just a great moment. He said, "I could never live that way." Now, if you get into His camp, he graduated from college on a Sunday. And my parents got married on a Monday.
Reflections on Stability Versus Risk
And I remember talking to my mom about this when my dad died, I went back, and we were looking at a bunch of stuff, and I asked about that. And she was saying, in that day, it was very common to get married on Mondays, which I don't remember that, but several people have said they remember that as a tradition. They got married on a Monday, went on the train to Pike's Peak on Tuesday. He came back the following Monday, went to work at Davenport Bank, 1948, and worked there like 43 years.
And I remember saying to him in the car that day, "I could never live the way you live."
Different People, Even in the Same Family
You know what's really important here, and I'm just telling you, again, from experience, and you know this, even in families, and I love this story, because you've got same mom, same dad, twins. They are different. They're different physically in this instance. And beyond that, they're just different people.
Do you see it? The boys grow up, Esau's a skillful hunter, a man of the outdoors, John Wayne. Jacob's a quiet man staying in the tents, Woody Allen. They're just different.
The Problem of Favoritism
Now, look how complicated the next sentence makes it. Isaac, who loved the outdoors, favored Esau, Rebecca had her little baby Jacob.
Let me tell you something else. And I'll just go ahead and say it out loud so you all can be comfortable with it. If you've got kids, it's not at all unusual for you to favor one over the other. There's just no question. We tease my mom about it all the time, but there's just no question that John was her favorite of the four of us. There's no question. And we tease about it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He's the baby, et cetera.
I want you to get this. There is no problem, I got no problem at all that Isaac connects with Esau and doesn't connect near as well with Jacob. The problem is not that he favors one more than the other. The problem is if they know it. The problem is if you demonstrate it. The problem is if they can declare it.
Unresolved Conflicts
Remember what we're talking about? Basis for conflict. Look at Genesis 27. Here, it could be basis for conflict, unresolved conflicts. Genesis...
Genesis 27, verse 41, begins with this phrase: Esau held a grudge against Jacob. This goes way back from when Jacob really robbed him of his birthright. What's happening now is Isaac, the father, is ready to die. What Esau has determined is the minute he dies, he's going to go and get Jacob and settle a score. Then the story unfolds from there.
If you don't want to go to these things—and again, we get way beyond Thanksgiving and Christmas—the reason may be you've got unresolved conflict. Now my assumption is you don't want to live that way, so there's really only two things you can do, in my mind. One, and this is my first choice, just stuff it. Just forget it. Just let it go. I will tell you, and I rarely hold myself up as a good model, I am world-class at this. I'm really good at this. Let it go.
If you can't let it go, you gotta confront it. You gotta deal with it. Or just live with the misery of this. Just let it be like this forever. But if you're going to do that, quit whining. If you're not going to confront it, quit whining.
Choosing to Confront the Issue
I got a call the other day, sitting in my office, and the phone rings. This guy I don't even know said, "You know, you don't know me, but Thanksgiving's coming, we've got this family issue, can you give me some advice on how to deal with it?" I said, "Well, why don't you just let it go?" He said, "I can't let it go." I said, "Okay, then you need to confront it, and what you need to figure out is what's the best path. Is it get everybody in the room? Is it to have a cup of coffee with the key player? Is it to send a letter?"
I will tell you this—I found the letter stuff, it sounds cold and impersonal, to be the easiest way to get the conversation started. Because if you're talking, you're immediately thinking of a response. In a letter, you're just looking at this piece of paper. Oftentimes, it's a little easier to get angry at the paper, throw it down, step on it, and then begin to process it.
From my life, I had a lady that came to me, and she said, "I am so sorry about the letter I sent you." I said, "Well, I don't remember the letter." She said, "It's been five or six years." I said, "Well, I don't remember the letter." She said, "Well, I am so sorry about this letter." I said, "No problem." I'm thinking, let it go, lady.
She said, "I'm so proud." I said, "Well, what was the letter about?" She started to tell me the story, and now I'm remembering. It was amazing. We're all done with this conversation. She said, "I feel so good about having this conversation. I've been carrying this around, and every time I hear your name or see your face, all I think of is this letter and how I screwed this thing up."
Now, let me tell you something—I'll give you a little warning here. Results may vary, okay? Not every one of these end up this way. If you're serious about trying to deal with this, you have to go ahead and confront. The word sounds combative, and I don't mean it that way, but you unpack it. You gotta deal with this situation.
The Problem of Unrealistic Expectations
Here could be a huge thing of why you don't want to go: unrealistic expectations. So here you go. Your family's nuts. Every Christmas since Carter was president has been a disaster. Why would this one be different? Why would this one be any different than that? Every time you get together, there's a problem, and then you throw a little eggnog on top of it—it's not going to have this Currier and Ives moment.
Here's what I've learned about expectations: to the best of your ability, you need to talk about them, hash them out, and define them. I'm going to give you two or three from my own life.
A guy came up, standing down at the Phoenix Women's Club. I was just done teaching a lesson. The guy said, "I'm very lonely." I knew Him relationally. I wouldn't call Him a friend at all, but I knew Him as a friend. He came up and said, "Would you be my friend?" I said, "Yeah, sure."
About a month later, he said, "You're a lousy friend." I said, "Wait a minute, what did I do?" He said, "You haven't called me. We haven't got our wives out for dinner. We haven't done anything as a family." Well, when he said, "Will you be my friend?" that's what he was thinking. I'm thinking, I'll return your call and let you buy dinner. Okay, that's what I'm thinking. That, to me, is a friend.
I said, "Wait a minute, my dance card's full. I don't need more people to go to dinner with. Our family doesn't—we're not looking for people to go vacation with. We have people that we hang with." It was a great moment. This guy was devastated. I said, "I really need to apologize to you because you were thinking that, and I just didn't ask. I should not have ever said, 'I'll be your friend.'"
A Vacation Expectations Disaster
The girls were about 12, and we went on the greatest vacation of all time. San Diego, the zoo, SeaWorld, Coronado, drove up the coast, got into LA, Disneyland, Knott's Berry Farm. A friend of ours had a friend who was in the cast of the Phantom of the Opera, so we had cast tickets, these incredible seats at Phantom of the Opera. Went up further to the Bay Area. Great America, hanging out in San Francisco, up to Sea Ranch for two weeks.
We're driving home. We're driving through Palm Springs, right where you see all the thing—turn your air conditioner off, right there. I said to the girls, "How was vacation?" They're sitting in the back. They said, "We really didn't do much."
I'm swinging—I didn't care which one I hit, just if I could hit one of them. I have a tendency, when I get mad or whatever, I tend to shut down, not explode. I tend to shut down. So we're now to Buckeye, and I haven't said anything. Susan said, "You upset?" And I—
said, I'm so mad at these two, I would leave them right here if there weren't legal ramifications. The next year, and this is really brilliant. The next year before vacation, I said, girls, I want to meet with you tonight, bring a legal pad. So we sat down and I said, you got your legal pads? Yeah. I said, I want you to write on that legal pad, because we're getting ready to leave for three weeks or two weeks, whatever it was. I want you to write on that legal pad, everything you want to do on vacation, write everything down. So they made a list. I said, that's not near big enough. I want you to take that pad. And for the next week, I want you to list everything you want to do.
We go on vacation, we're driving back, we're coming through Palm Springs. We get right to where it says, turn on your air conditioner. I said, girls, how was your vacation? They said, dad, it was the best vacation. We did so much. Here's what I did. As we do things, I'd have them cross them off their list. And about three or four days before vacation was over, I said to them, hey, we didn't do this. Is that all right? And they said, that's okay. I said, all right, initial that. Put your initials right by that. Now, I'm telling you something. We did about half of the things that year that we did the year before, but it was defined. We agreed upon it. Realistic expectations, defined expectations.
Learning from Naaman's Misplaced Expectations
Second Kings chapter five. You don't have to turn there, but this is like one of those great moments. There's a guy by the name of Naaman, and he's got leprosy. And so he's got body parts falling off. He's high-ranking, and he's got lots of problems. He hears that there's a guy named Elisha who can heal.
Second Kings 5:9. So Naaman went with his horses and chariots and stopped at the door of Elisha's house. Elisha sent a messenger out to him and said, go wash yourself seven times in the Jordan. Your flesh will be restored. You'll be cleansed. So he's going for healing. Elisha tells him, go do this. What would your reaction be?
Naaman went away angry. He's mad. Why? Because there's the guy that can heal, and he just tells him, just go do this. So you would think, right, if I go do this, I'm going to be healed. They at least want to give it a shot and then get mad. He's mad. He went away angry. Why? I thought he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord as God and wave His hand over the spots and cure me of my leprosy. His expectations were all wrong.
This is really something. He almost misses a healing here over his expectations. Here's what he thought would happen. He thought CNN would be there. TVN would be there. And out would come Elisha. And he'd have Benny Hinn with him. And all these other guys. And he'd lay his hands. He'd call upon the name of the Lord. He'd shout. He'd do all these things. And bam! The leprosy would be gone and they'd all have this celebratory moment and tell you the phone lines were available. That's what he thought. Well, it didn't happen that way.
Even when he goes now and he's washing in the Jordan. Do you remember the story? Dunk seven times. One, two, three, four, five, six. And he comes up after the sixth time and he says to his servant, this is stupid. Even then, why? Well, he's thinking like I would. I'm going to dunk seven times. One, I should be 14% cleansed. Two, I should be 28% cleansed. Right? But nothing's happening. So he said to his servant, this is stupid. I feel like an idiot. This is dumb. Let's go. And the servant said, you're already dumb and stupid. Let's do it one more time like he said. Boom! And his skin is fresh as a baby's skin. Do you see that? This is misplaced expectations. You need to have defined, realistic expectations.
Like I said, if Christmas is a disaster every year, it's going to be a disaster this year. I have a friend who used to get so mad on Father's Day because his kids did not provide for him what he thought they should on Father's Day. And we're sitting there one day, and I said, why are you putting yourself through this? You've got a decade of them not making it. Did you tell them? No. So you're not going to tell them. You're waiting for them to do it. They clearly either don't know what to do, or can't do it, or won't do it. Why are you getting angry?
When Contrary Philosophies Create Conflict
Let me get two more big things on basis for conflict. And that is, you have contrary philosophies. In Acts chapter 15, verse 36, sometime later, Paul said to Barnabas, let's go back and visit all the brothers in all the towns where we preach the word of the Lord and see how they're doing. And Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with him. Paul did not think it was wise to take him because he deserted them at Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. And they had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus. Paul took Silas. They left and were commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord.
Do you see what's happening here? You've got two godly guys looking at the same guy and arriving at two radically different conclusions. So strong were these conclusions that they broke communion over this or broke union over this. So here's John Mark, who blew out of the first missionary trip. And Paul's saying, listen, Barnabas, this is tough work. We can't be taking along weak guys and pulling them along on this. We gave him a shot. It didn't work out. Maybe somewhere along the way, somebody else, but not us, not now. Barnabas says, Paul, the guy's a young guy. How's he going to learn if we don't take him? Give him a shot. Give him an opportunity. And these guys end up unable to resolve this, and they split.
Now, God gets two wonderful missionary teams. I just think He would have preferred to have them without this sharp disagreement. Let me tell you something about Christmas and Thanksgiving and all the times. You can get together and have two very differing views. You can be
a liberal Democrat and have a brother or sister who's a conservative Republican. If you start talking about this stuff at Christmas, you're not going to resolve it. You have to determine whether it's more important that you stand up for your Republicanism or being a Democrat or politics or whatever it is. You better figure it out. Is that more important than a relationship with these people?
If every time you talk about it, it ends up in some sort of disagreement and yelling and a sharp exchange, then you better understand that the source of this conflict is you. Two people, good people, see the same thing differently.
Fighting Over Non-Biblical Issues
I did a lesson Sunday. I got more negative response to my lesson last Sunday than I've ever gotten to any lesson I've ever taught. Here's basically what I taught: we live under grace. So I thought I'd get a lot of response to grace. I didn't.
Here's what I said. We as Christians are taking things that are not biblical, that are not mandates, and elevating them to a level where we're putting them on par with scripture itself and we're cutting off people along the way. You just had in this election, I had all sorts of people say to me, "I don't think you could be a Christian and vote for that person or for that proposition." I would say to them, "I got to disagree with you. I know Christians. I may violently disagree with them about philosophies of government and these things, but I certainly don't question their Christian faith."
I got guys emailing me about fairness doctrine and gun control and taxes and Social Security and school choice. I don't know what Jesus' view is on the fairness doctrine. I don't even care. I don't think there is one. I understand there's some big issues, but we are fighting a bunch of battles over stuff that I'm telling you ain't worth fighting over. I'm not talking about abandoning the faith or the non-negotiables, but we are dividing and arguing. We're so polarized that we can't get anything done.
Witnessing to Family Members
You've got contrary philosophies or, and this is a big one and we got to close, contrasting faith. This is the time of year where people will say to me over and over again, "Listen, how do I witness to my family?" So God saved you as an adult. You're going back into a family situation that's either hostile to the faith or it's a religious background that would be anti what we think is biblical Christianity. So what do you do? How do I witness to my family?
In Acts chapter 7, there's a guy by the name of Stephen. Here's how he starts his witnessing: "You stiff-necked people with uncircumcised hearts and ears." Now you can go down that road. By the way, that didn't work out for him very well. They stoned him at the end of this.
You can go in with all your Jesus stuff and your Bible verses, give them another Bible for Christmas with their name imprinted on it. That is not winsome. The toughest place for people to share their faith is with family and the reason typically is they know you.
The Challenge of Family Witness
The first time with one of my brothers, the first time I ever shared my faith, he started laughing at me and said, "Do you remember the time you got drunk and passed out on third street and the pizza driver brought you home?" I said, "I remember waking up smelling like pepperoni, but I'm foggy on some of the details." That's a huge obstacle to overcome.
It's funny, if you experience that story, that's way different than me telling you that story and saying, "but now I'm a new creature." If you hear that story and now you're a new creature, it seems easier to digest than if you know it.
I will tell you how I think is the best way in most instances for you to witness and share with your family. That is to let them see that you're different and then to speak the truth boldly. If you reverse that process, rarely does it work. It's a debate, it's exchange of books and websites and all the other stuff, and that just isn't generally profitable.
Witnessing Through Different Response to Difficulty
If all of a sudden you're back in a family dynamic, let me just tell you, as you sit in this economic situation that you're in right now, that is very bad, and then there's all sorts of views on what's going to happen and then there's the right view, my view, which is it's going to get way worse. We aren't even near any of the end of this stuff. We aren't even sniffing the end of this.
Ninety percent of the houses in Northern California, American Express is all of a sudden a bank, why? This is hard to figure out. In the midst of this, as people, there is this heaviness. You go ahead and acknowledge this. Here's what I'm going to teach Sunday at church: What are you afraid of? There's a heaviness. There is this sense that, except for Walmart, profits were up 10%, why? All of a sudden a lot of Nordstrom's people are hanging out at Walmart, and that's okay.
In the middle of this, you want to be a strong witness. You let people watch you, and you're going through the same thing they're going through. They see a different response, and you say, "You know what, I'm just as concerned. I'm just as worried. I've had the same thing happen to me that's happened to you, but I know this, God's on the throne, and Jesus is Lord." And now you begin to share that. That's how you deal with that.
Resolve to Be a Peacemaker
Let me give you just two things on the way out. You need to resolve to be a peacemaker in the midst of this. So Paul writes in Romans 12:18, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Again, it doesn't mean rollover. It doesn't mean you're compromising. We're so afraid that if we extend grace and mercy, and if we don't argue over every point of every issue, that somehow we've compromised.
I will tell you that for many of you at this point, you're going to say, "I don't think I can do that." My point at that is, you probably can't. That's why Paul wrote in Philippians 4, "Let all your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but pray about
Finding Peace in Uncertain Times
Everything. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. I just wrote a little note yesterday to some Priority Living people, giving them kind of an update on where we are. And that was my closing thought.
MSNBC had a headline, one of their articles the other day: "Things are out of control." And it's just really important for us to understand they're beyond our control, but they're not out of control. And God's on the throne.
You know what? This will probably be really, really good for us and for the church, because perhaps a little economic calamity can do for us what prosperity didn't. And that is make us serious about our faith in our Lord and how we're going to interact with one another. And I'm not minimizing this. I feel your pain, my friend. I'm just saying, I still think that there's a peace that transcends it, and it's of knowing Him.
So what do you do if you got no place to go, too many places to go, or don't want to go? There's your help.