1 Peter 3 - Marriage and Women

Tom Shrader examines 1 Peter 3:1-7 within the broader context of living counterculturally as Christians. He teaches that wives are called to submit to their husbands even when they are unbelieving, trusting God to use their godly behavior as a witness. Husbands are called to love their wives with understanding and honor, recognizing marriage as an opportunity to reflect Christ's character in difficult circumstances.

“If two spouses each say, I'm going to treat my self-centeredness as the main problem in marriage, you have the prospect of a truly great marriage.”

— Tom Shrader

Series: 1 Peter

Recorded: 2012

Duration: 51 min

Themes: submission, marriage, obedience, witness, character, honor, respect, godliness, married to unbeliever, wife, husband, struggling marriage, marital conflict, seeking godly marriage, new wife, christian couples

Scripture: 1 Peter 3:1-7, 1 Peter 2:11, Matthew 5:16, Isaiah 53:7, Luke 23:46, Ephesians 5, Psalm 23, Isaiah 53

Theological Themes: biblical submission, christian marriage, sanctification, becoming holy, christian witness, spiritual authority, biblical womanhood, marital roles

Full Transcript

Open your Bibles to first Peter and we're going to begin in chapter 3. If you don't have a Bible, raise your hand. If you don't have a Bible at all, feel free to take that Bible with you. Otherwise, maybe you don't have a Bible with you for whatever reason today. You need to borrow one of those, do it and then leave it behind so we can reuse that.

With Tim taking the time last week to talk about the Gilbert campus, we missed what would have been chapter 3 verses 1 through 6. So technically today should be verse 7. But my task is to combine these and I will tell you in terms of timing I did not do a very good job first hour. I had a lot that potentially could have been brought into this that I didn't, so I want to move along. I want to increase the pace a little bit.

Let's read this passage and make some observations maybe as we go or when we're done and then just kind of get into it. So first Peter chapter 3 verse 1: "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely"—and you'll notice that's in italics, that means that word was not in the translation literally but was added by the translator—"but not merely your external braiding of the hair and wearing of gold and jewelry and putting on dresses, but let it be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of the Lord."

"For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear."

Verse 7: "So there's six verses that are devoted here to the wife, one to the husband. Shouldn't take anything or read anything into that. He's just simply making a point here: You husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman, and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered."

The Larger Context of Christian Living

Now just in a quick read-through, you would immediately think that this is one of those Sundays where we talk about marriage and husbands and wives, wives submit, husbands love, and there may be some of that. Clearly we can pull some principles out of it. But I think in the larger context he's not trying to give us a bunch of instruction about marriage. As I said, we'll talk about it, but he's really focusing on something that began back in chapter 2 verse 11.

I taught that I don't know three or four weeks ago. He said, "Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly desires which wage war against your soul." He said I don't want you to live naturally. I want you to live supernaturally. "Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles, so that in the thing in which they slander you as evildoers, they may because of your good deeds, as they observe them, glorify God in the day of visitation."

So we see now after that, Peter illustrates this through government and citizens, through slave and master workplace, and through family. But the greater context here is the call for those of us who have come to Christ in repentance and faith to live in a way that astounds the people around you.

Living as Light in a Dark World

Now I have this convergence today of this passage with Matthew chapter 5 verse 16, which we quote often. It's Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount and He's saying—see if you don't see the similarity here—"Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works," exactly what He's saying, "and glorify your Father in heaven."

I add to that a series that I'm doing right now in priority living. It's called "How to Stay Straight in a Crooked World." The crooked world we're talking about is not so much a moral issue as much as a society where things that were taboo 30 years ago and they were on the fringes 15 years ago are mainstream today and will be almost passé in another 15 or 30 years. How do I find my compass?

So we begin by talking about the Word of God as our final authority. We want to learn that word and make decisions according to that word. Then there's this moment in this series about week five where we pivot a little bit and we make this point: our faith is a deeply personal matter, but it's not a private matter. It's not something that we relegate to Sunday on this campus or maybe all day Sunday as a church day and at night with the kids before bed, but in terms of work and the other things it has no place there. I would argue no, everything that you do is driven by the fact that you have this personal relationship with Christ. So it affects everything.

Submission in Difficult Circumstances

That's exactly what Peter is saying, and he's saying it affects us in the most difficult circumstances. It affects your relationship with the government. And so he says in verse 13, "Submit yourself for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether to a king as the one in authority, or to governors." Why? Verse 15: "Such is the will of God that by doing good you may silence the ignorance of foolish men." He said you're not submitting to them because it's great government—it's Nero. You're not submitting to them because they're doing everything right and in fact they're supportive of you. They're not, they're persecuting you, they mock you, they belittle you. But you submit to them and he's saying there's something about this that may silence them.

Same thing is true. He gives us really four illustrations here. He says the same thing is true with servants. Verse 18: "Servants, be submissive to your masters."

all respect. Not only to those who are good in general, but also to those who are unreasonable. He says you submit to him.

Now I don't want you to pull this card where you go, "I'll submit to him because he's really good, but you don't know my master." You can almost use that phrase in any of these illustrations. You don't know my government. Submit to my husband? You don't know this guy. Love my wife? You don't know this witch.

He's saying that's not the issue. The issue isn't them. The issue is you. So he says this over and over and over again.

The Pattern of Submission

He said this is the picture here. This issue of submission is critical in all of these areas, and he seems to follow this pattern. He gives you a command: submit to every institution in verse 15. Why? Well, there's the motive: you may silence them. Verse 18: submit to them. Why? Well, you may find favor in them. Verse 19: for the sake of the conscious toward God, a person bears up under the sorrows when he suffers unjustly.

Verse 1 of chapter 3: wives, submit to your husbands, to your own husbands. Why? Well, even those that are disobedient to the word may be won without a word by the behavior of your wives. You submit to them and they're going to go, "This is something supernatural, not natural," and that may be the instrument God uses to soften their hearts.

And again, you talk about counterculture. The same is here. He says husbands, live with their wives in an understanding way as somebody who's a weaker vessel. The motive here is so your prayers will not be hindered. He said this is the situation.

Christ as Our Example

Well, talked in the middle of this is Him telling us a little bit of an example. Tim talked about it two weeks ago, verse 21 through the end of chapter 2. So it's chapter 2 verse 21 through chapter 2 verse 25. He said, "For you have been called for this purpose"—so this is part of the purpose that God saved you—"and since Christ also suffered for you, leaving for you an example for you to follow in His footsteps."

He said I want you to suffer, and Christ is your example. The idea there is literally "to trace." I remember as a young kid we would take a picture and put another piece of paper over it, a thinner piece, and you would trace the outline. That's the idea here of the word "example," and you're following in His steps.

I was about 12 years old and we had one of these snowstorms that we would get, maybe one or two every year that were really bad. This was a blizzard. You went to bed as a kid, you went to bed knowing that there was a good shot—no school, boy. That's the one time you've participated in 22 years. I think everybody, even as an adult, you still feel that: no school.

I remember getting up the next day and turning on the radio and they said all of the schools are closed. There's none of them that are open, all closed. And so I thought, this is perfect. And my dad came in and he said, "Listen, you and I are going to go to mass." And I said, "There's nothing open." My dad wasn't into dialogue or due process. He wasn't into either. And so I said, "All right."

Following in His Footsteps

So we're going down. We walk—we can't drive. So we walk a couple of blocks. We get to Locust, which is a busy street. It would be like Elliott with more traffic, and nothing. There's nothing out there. There's nothing. There hasn't been anything down there. And I'm walking. My dad and I are walking. And all of a sudden, I realize this is stupid. And the snow's deep. And I move behind him. And all I did was literally put my feet in the very place that he had been.

That's what this "in His steps" literally means. It means literally footprints or tracks. I want you, He says, to be like Christ. He's the example. "He who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in Him. And while He was being reviled," verse 23, "He didn't revile in return. And while suffering, He uttered no threats. But He kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously."

He said this was the pattern. And never was there a greater injustice in the history of mankind than the way Jesus was treated. He was perfect. He didn't revile. Isaiah 53:7: "He was oppressed and He was afflicted, yet He didn't open His mouth like a lamb being led to slaughter and like sheep that are silenced before the shears. So He did not open His mouth."

The Response of Jesus

He didn't revile. It's the idea of abusive language, to pile abusive language on somebody. In fact, while He was suffering, He didn't threaten them. He didn't say, "Boy, we'll get this back. We'll make this even." Just the opposite. He said, "Father, forgive him."

And He kept—a great phrase—He kept, verse 23, entrusting Himself to Him who judges. The idea of entrusting is to commit or to hand over. And the tense would indicate it's a repeated past action. We see this in Jesus' life. Jesus was always handing Himself over to the Father. Luke 23, verse 46: "Father, into your hands I commit My spirit."

He's entrusting everything into His hands—all that He is, all of the circumstances, all of life, all the situations. It's for us to say, "God, we're going to take everything that we have, and we're going to understand and entrust you with it because you are a better judge than we are. We're going to trust that what you've called us to do is to do the right thing, and then we're going to trust you for the outcome and the results."

Entrusting What Is His

And in reality, all we're doing is entrusting what is His back to Him. You know that, right? The language already betrays me because I say, when I reach into my pocket—here is my money, more importantly, my credit card. But here's my money, my credit card, and the card that gets me in the building. This is my wallet. That's not very impressive, is it? I used to use rubber bands, but they kept breaking. So I went to these.

So we come back to this over again and say this is a life-changing principle: when I can understand that this

is not my money but God's money, it changes my complete relationship with it. I'm not an owner. I'm a steward, not a master. So when Tim talked last week about the church and the future and the issues that we want to keep in front of you that are on this card, the essential elements that go before the church—God's word and prayer and intentional evangelism and biblical community and serving the church and generosity—all of a sudden, what we understand is when we get to generosity, it's all of life. It's to say, God, You own all of this. Money is part of it.

So as we talk about giving or we talk about a building and we talk about raising money, those are always potentially difficult circumstances. But what I need to understand is all of that is a theological issue. Sandy and I are having the conversations right now. There's a building coming and money coming. And end of year, the end of every year, I reevaluate my giving and try to increase it. Now it's our giving. And how do you feel? And how do we work this through? And we do the very same thing. We don't ask, how much money should we give? We ask, how much of God's money should I keep? And that changes the answer every time.

Stewarding God's Children

And that's what He's saying here. He's saying, I don't own it all. God, this is Yours. I'm going to do what I think is right. Here's my life. I'm going to invest it the way I think is right. And my kids. So when Susan and I were raising the girls, our philosophy was this: we wanted to make them independent of us and dependent upon God. That fleshed itself out in a whole variety of ways.

So there's all sorts of theories. There's something that's called raising kids God's way. And I always had a bit—although there's a lot of really good stuff in there—I always had a bit of an issue with the arrogance of it that says, boy, we know God's singular way to do it, and this is the only way. I come up with a better name. Here's what we did. And I stood right here with both of them, ultimately, because we raised them.

All the way along, we said from the very beginning, here you go, you're God's kids, not our kids. And someday, we're going to be held accountable, judged, for how we stewarded your life. And we don't want you just to do stuff to make us happy, though we'd love to be happy. We want you to please God and understand He's the authority in your life. Because we're not always going to be there. You're going to be in different circumstances. You'll be adult women living in the world, living on your own, or you'll be married, which is going to change that context even more. And you need to understand the whole nuance of that, and some of it's not so nuanced.

So I said to both girls, ultimately, in the ceremony, you know, I've said to this point, I'm the man in your life, and I'm the authority figure in your life. But now, it's not me, it's Tim, it's Tyler. And if they say something, and I say something, unless it's a moral issue and he's asking you to disobey, then he's right for you, not me. And you submitting to him is more important than obeying me. It's a new relationship.

The Challenge of Trust

So He said, and how do you do that? Because sometimes that's a scary thing to do, to entrust everything into it. I felt so bad for Sandy. We've been married like 25 weeks now, about six, almost six months. And I felt so bad for her when I was so sick in August. Literally, I'm laying in bed, we're at Cannon Beach in this beautiful spot, and I'm feeling so sorry for her. And it was a time when I even started to say, you didn't sign up for this.

Well, she did. She's the one who said, for better or worse, rich or poor, sickness and health. She didn't know it was coming in 10 weeks. But that's the—it's a scary thing. It's a scary thing, wife, to submit to a husband. It's a scary thing for a husband to love your wife, live with her in an understanding, nurturing, cherishing way. It's scary to submit to a master, a boss. Scary to submit to a government. But He said, don't worry about that. You do what I'm calling you to do, and trust Me for the outcome.

Christ as Our Model and Savior

Verse 24: "He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness." Now, here's what Peter has said. Let Jesus be your model or your example. He's not in verse 24—He's not calling you to die for somebody else's salvation. You can't die for someone else's salvation. You couldn't even take care of your own salvation. Christ died, and that's the gospel. That's what we come back to again and again and again.

And because that's true, because I understand that gospel, because I've come in repentance and faith to Christ, because He's called me His kid and changed my designation from sinner to saint, because that's true, now He's saying live this way. We're calling you to live this way.

Let me take just a little bit of a side trip here, maybe five minutes or so. I'll read you a quote from Leon Morris and try to drive this home. He's talking about Jesus suffering for our salvation, not the process of it, not being reviled and not reviling back, not that, but the salvation that's talked about in verse 24.

The Gospel Foundation

Morris writes this: "Redemption is substitutionary, for it means that Christ paid the price that we could not pay. He paid it in our stead, we go free. Justification interprets our salvation judiciously. As the New Testament sees it, Christ took our legal liability, He took it in our stead. This is a great thought. Reconciliation means the making of people to be one by the taking away of the cause of the hostility."

So we're reconciled to the Father through the Son. He took away the cause of the hostility. In this case, the cause is sin, and Christ removed the cause for us. We couldn't deal with sin. He could and did, and did it in such a way that it was reckoned to us. Propitiation points us to the removal of the divine wrath, and Christ has done this by

bearing the wrath for us. It was our sin which drew it down, and it was He who bore it. Was there a price to be paid? He paid it. Was there a victory to be won? He won it. Was there a penalty to be borne? He bore it. Was there a judgment to be faced? He faced it.

The verse continues. To put it bluntly and plainly, if Christ is not my substitute, I still occupy the place of a condemned sinner, for my sins and my guilt are not transferred to Him. If He did not take them upon Himself, then surely they will remain with me. If He did not deal with sins, I must face their consequence. If my penalty was not borne by Him, it still hangs over me.

So he's making the point, verse 24, that Christ died in our place. That's what a Christian is. He's a man, woman, student, boy, girl, who comes to the realization that they're a sinner, their sin has separated them from God, and there's nothing they can do to make it right. All of those things that Morris talks about. There is a wrath to be borne, and a penalty to be paid, and a judgment to be faced. And Christ did it. Any effort we make is insufficient. But Christ made it. Christ died. He died in your place.

The Response of Gratitude

Now, that aside, just if we hit the pause button right there, that aside should produce a great sense of gratitude, satisfaction, joy in your life. There should be a desire to respond to that as I begin to contemplate it, and as that gets bigger and bigger and bigger in my mind, I begin to see my sin, and I see the situation I was in, and I was rescued, and I was delivered, and I understand that.

He says, "For you are continually straying like sheep, but now you've returned to the Lord and to the guardian of your soul." That's what you used to be. You used to be like sheep. Isaiah 53: "All of us are like sheep have gone astray. Each of us has turned to his own way, but the Lord has caused the iniquity of all of us to fall on Him."

He died in your place, but now you've returned. The idea there is the idea of repentance, and He's the shepherd. He's the perfect shepherd. He's the guardian. He's the one who oversees, and He's the one who cares for you.

The Living Psalm

My friend, Larry Wright, had a distinct phobia. For the way that generally we use the 23rd Psalm. It drove Larry crazy that he would go to funerals, and they would talk about the 23rd Psalm, and he would say, "But this is a psalm about living, and not a psalm about dying." Finally, it reached this point one day. Sue was invited to speak at a women's conference, and she said she'd be happy to do it. They called and said, "What's the topic? We want to build a theme around it." She said, "Well, I'm going to talk about the 23rd Psalm," and the person on the phone said, "Well, nobody died, okay?"

Larry was at a funeral, finally, and it was kind of a country, western, general, you know, ridden hard, and the 23rd Psalm was there, and he said, "That's it." Finally, he decided to teach the 23rd Psalm. I'm going to read it to you from the perspective, first of all, from the Message, so it's a paraphrase, but from the perspective not about somebody who's dead, not a little card that you're looking at a shepherd on one side at a funeral with the 23rd Psalm on the other. What about you?

Just the very beginning, the 23rd Psalm, verse one: "God is my shepherd, I don't need a thing." His grace is sufficient. He's everything that we need. "You've bedded me down in lush meadows, and you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction. Even when the way goes through the death valley, I'm not afraid, you walk beside me. Your shepherd's crook makes me feel secure. You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies. You revive my drooping head. My cup brims with blessing. Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life."

Suffering as Witness

He's talking about suffering, and he's talking about suffering is not something that isn't going to take place in the world. It's going to take place in your world, and because you say Jesus is Lord, there's going to be different aspects to suffering that the average person isn't necessarily going to experience.

One of the authors writes this: "When one is suffering unjustly, trust in God and obedience to Him is not easy, but they are deepened through the undeserved affliction, and God is thereby more glorified." So you're in the midst of this incredible situation, and it's unjust, and it's unfair. You're being mistreated, and He says submit.

Marriage in Context

Now, husband-wives. "In the same way," and that's what we say. Here's the connection. I do think if we want to study husband-wife relationship, if I were going to do that, primary passage would be Ephesians five, and then we might come in here to fill in some blanks. I don't think that's the main thrust here is husband-wife relationship for us to expound on it, but we do want to mention it.

It's in the context of "in the same way," just like with the slaves, just like with the citizens. Chapter three, verse seven, "You husbands in the same way." So he's continuing this thought, and it's about submitting, and it's about serving in a way that isn't always fair.

It's in the context here, it's counterculture of government and of workplace, and now husbands-wives. Peter seems to see this impossible, difficult situation in the Christian's life as an opportunity to bear witness to Christ. So the same thing is here in the wife relationship, husband too. "In the same way, be submissive," chapter three, verse one, "to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives as they observe you." They see that you're chaste, they see the respect, they see the

When Submission Becomes Real

This submission is not implying that somehow women are morally, intellectually, or spiritually inferior in the family. He's going to acknowledge it in verse seven - there's a weaker vessel there. It is a matter of role, not necessarily a matter of status, and we can see it. I give you a beautiful biblical illustration: we see it in the Trinity. The Son wants to do the will of the Father.

Like I said, I don't know how much football I watched yesterday. When they get into the huddle, in theory, there's one guy speaking and it's the quarterback. A huddle, although the University of Iowa may not be going this way right now, but a huddle in a college game is not a matter of the quarterback saying, "Okay, we're going to run a sweep left," and the guard goes, "I'd like to add an item. No, if it's a sweep, I have to pull. I don't feel like pulling. I pulled last play - I'm tired. I don't want to do that." It's not something where we're coming in there and talking it through. There's the quarterback. All the players equal in status, different in role and function.

To submit means to line up under. The idea: wives, submit to your own husbands. John MacArthur writes, "Peter refers specifically to their own husbands, indicating the intimacy of marriage and points out that he was not commanding women to be subservient to men in every context." To submit to him, and he says, live with them in an understanding way - and all of a sudden we realize that this is a guy who may be totally oblivious to the word of God. He's rejected the gospel. He's rejected all of the standards.

A Real-Life Confrontation

I had a situation. I was still pastoring over here, so it was years ago, so you'd have to try to figure out who these people are. It's a waste of time - they've long since left the church. I got a call, and they wanted to meet, and it was regarding a sermon that I had done the week before, and it was on the topic of wives submit to husbands. We hadn't yet got to - because we were doing them week by week - husbands submit to wives.

They came in, a husband, a wife, and again, it sounds incredibly judgmental, but it was correct: she was very assertive, and he was very passive. He walked in somewhat sheepishly. I said, "It's nice to meet you. We don't normally get to meet everybody, and this worked out great." So I said, "Well, why are you here? What can I do for you?" Nothing. So I said to him, "You know, why are you here?" And she said, "Tell them why we're here." And I said, "Yes, please do. Tell me why you're here."

"Well, we don't like the way you taught wives to submit to their husbands." I said, "Really?" "We don't." And I said, "Do you have any objections? Because next week is 'Husbands Love Your Wives.' I know - I'm preparing it. Do you have any objection to that?" "Oh, no, that's fine." "Okay. I knew it would be."

The 50-50 Marriage Myth

So we talked a little bit and he - I mean, it was like Edgar Bergen with a little puppet on his lap. And I mean that disrespectfully, I think. But I said, "How does this marriage of yours work? I'm curious then. No leader. It's a 50-50 marriage." I said, "Well, how does that work?" Of course, then it just degenerates from there. But he said, "I want you to know," because he said, "I don't - you know, it doesn't feel like you're respecting my position."

I said, "Why am I respecting your position? It's an interesting position and it works well at Starbucks, but it doesn't work well when I lay it next to the scripture, which becomes the issue." And he said, "Well, why don't you - here's what he said. Now I can't imagine a guy saying this. He said, "My wife is submissive to me when I'm right and loving and kind."

I said, "Okay." So I said to her, "How often does this happen? That he's loving?" And at this point we realized there isn't any counseling going to go on. It's them announcing they're going to leave for whatever, for this reason. And she said, "You know, just sometimes."

The True Test of Submission

And I said, "Well, isn't that interesting? Because I - and I said, I just want to take you to one passage. I don't want to confuse the whole thing with a Bible, but I want to take you to one passage." And I get it. I understand the difficulty and I understand the challenge, but the test of submission is not when he's right. The test of submitting to government is not when there's this great government that says, "Now let's get rid of taxes and everybody do what they want." It's not a boss that says, "You make out your own schedule."

Submission isn't an issue until I'm called to submit to something I violently disagree with, or I see as blatantly unjust. It's like the fruit of the spirit. The series I'm doing right now has this element to it: my faith is personal, but not private. So now as I live, this is how it ties into this. My task is to make the invisible God visible and speak the truth boldly.

When Virtue Is Tested

The way I tend to make the invisible God visible is not through coming to church and Bible study and getting a small group. Those are all good - need to do it. But it's the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. And the first four of those - love, joy, peace, patience - require very difficult circumstances to know if I have them or not.

I don't know if I'm loving until I come against somebody who's unlovable. We're not talking about happiness. Any fool can be happy if the market's up, if everything's quiet at the house. Joy is not happiness. Peace transcends circumstances. It's not the absence of turmoil - it's the presence of God. Patience - and I know this is really simplistic, but to me, it's just a great illustration - I don't know if I'm a patient driver if every light is green. That doesn't prove patience. "Look at the way he drove home. Everything was perfect. Everything's green."

So the whole idea of submission to this is the idea here, and that's the picture that Peter paints: this is a husband who's unbelieving. He's rejected the gospel.

He's rejected the standards. And He's writing to encourage us in general, in this case wives, to accept the reproach for Jesus' sake. John Stott writes, "Christian wives can have an important part in the church's witness. That witness may not be easy. Their husbands may have resisted the claim of the gospel. They may ridicule the message and insult their wives. So strong may be their hostility that it is no longer possible for their wives to even speak to them about the Lord, to make the invisible God visible and to speak the truth boldly."

Now, I've watched in three instances 1 Peter 3:1 just come true, and probably more than that, but three come to mind. My friend Larry Wright—that was Larry's testimony. Sue became a Christian before Larry. She began to employ and implement this truth in her life. And Larry responded and said, "I know what's going on here. It's reverse psychology. You're trying to be nice to me." So rather than respond positively to it, he was tougher and tougher on her until Larry said, in his own words, "I couldn't deny it. This was not the person I married." That was one.

Two, there was a lady that used to come to church here, and her husband was an unbeliever. And this is her testimony, not mine. She hated him. She despised him. And this isn't odd—I'm not sure God's going to answer every prayer we fire up. She prayed every day he would die in a tragic way so that everybody would throw all their attention on her and feel sorry for her. That was her prayer.

When Love Seems Impossible

So she came to me, and ultimately, you're at rock bottom at this point. She said, "What should I do with this?" And so we talked, and I kind of gave her some counsel, and I'm going to take her here. And I said, "You know, I think you should make him a fabulous dinner and make love to him." Which fixes, in my mind, that fixes almost everything. And if you add television to that, you have the trifecta. And she said, "I knew you'd say that." I said, "I'm not going to say that, but I'm saying you've got to love this guy. There it is, 1 Peter 3. You are a classic illustration of 1 Peter 3." And that's what happened.

It was like two, three months later, as I remember it, that her husband said—you know, she's getting ready to go to church, and he said, "I'll go to church with you." And they came in, and driving home, it's that tense moment. Some of you ladies, or maybe men too, have been there, where you don't want to ask, "What do you think?" And so she said, kind of sheepishly, "What did you think?" And he said, "Well, I didn't like"—and it was me—he said, "I didn't like him, but you know what? It wasn't that bad." And so he said, "He's starting this study. I'll come with you through this study." Well, it was the Gospel of John. We spent three and a half years in it. I know. And he was true to his word. And in chapter three, he was saved. And that was an amazing marriage transformation. And I go back and say, that's just what it was.

A Personal Testimony

One of the ladies of the church thought Tim would be teaching today. So she sent him an email. He sent back and said, "I'm not. Tom is. Can I forward it to him?" She said, "Sure." So this coming week, she writes, will be tough for a kind pastor, which you are. So I'll remind you—she's writing to Tim, not to me. I never got these kind words—to preach on, but I beg you to really go for it. As a counselor in both the church and as an outreach, this is no small item.

Now she's talking specifically about this section. "We women scoff at this until"—she has in all caps—"WE SEE THE RESULT OF DOING IT. God is faithful. My husband's salvation was based on the Almighty using an unsubmissive wife"—she's talking about herself now—"and a heart that was changed to love him, to submit to him when he was not godly. And after a period of time with complete dependence upon God, He saved my husband. My salvation is amazing, but nothing like my love for my husband's salvation. God said to love my husband when it was impossible for me to do, yet I stood firm to obey the One who I love most, though imperfectly, and watched my husband's heart melt. God won my husband to Himself. My family will never be the same. Amazing grace. Go for it, Tim. Tom. Tell us wives that this is God's way and that He may just use it to win our husbands."

The Power of Godly Character

Frankly, I have never seen a situation where an entire family wasn't completely impacted by the wife's submission, not necessarily saved. God's calling you to do what's right, to live in a way that he may be won. You may be the very instrument that God uses. There's something powerful about it. It's undeniable.

And I'm comfortable broadening that beyond a husband-wife relationship. People, your friends see you, and they see you in the most difficult circumstances, and they see love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control. It's compelling, because in their own mind, they're going, "I could never do that. How do you do that?" Then you have the privilege to tell them about Jesus.

True Adornment

Verse three: "Your adornment must not be merely external, braiding hair and wearing gold jewelry and putting on dresses." He is not here talking about not being sensitive to style and clothing. What was happening in that culture is that the women were obsessed with adornment. They would wear their best costumes, and they'd dye their hair in outlandish—it's not unlike now, really—in outlandish colors, and jewelry, and it was all about, "Look at me. Aren't I beautiful?" And He's saying, that's not good.

It's not a license, by the way, to not care. Again, John MacArthur writes, "It's certainly possible for a woman's appearance to be so unkempt and so unadorned that it embarrasses or discourages her husband." This is not something to say it's not important how you look, or style doesn't matter. He's talking about an obsession with it. I have a talk that I do to ladies. I haven't been invited lately, so it's time to do it again, but I'll—

I went to teach a class on "What's the role of a wife?" Before I said anything, I asked the ladies what they thought the role of a Christian wife is. There was quiet for a moment, then hands started going up. Within three to five minutes, they had laid out everything I had planned to cover in my talk. I realized the issue isn't really knowledge—it's motivation. You know what to do. You have Bibles that are all marked up with arrows and highlights. You've been to numerous studies on biblical womanhood. The knowledge is there.

So I changed my approach and asked a different question: "Would you want to come home to you?" I think that's a really important question. Take a look in the mirror. How do you look? I'm not talking about having a messy house. One of the things Susan was awesome at, and Sandy continues, is making home really a sanctuary—a special place. These things matter, but they shouldn't become an obsession. The thing to be obsessed about, according to verse four, is the hidden person and the gentle spirit.

Understanding Your Wife

Unfortunately, we're almost out of time, but let's look at verse seven. "You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone who is a weaker vessel." The motivation is to get your prayers answered, not to have them hindered. He's talking to us men now, and He says He wants you to live with her in an understanding way.

This command is equally counterculture—especially in that culture—as the call for wives to be submissive. It was radical for a man to be sensitive and considerate of his wife's deepest needs, to live with her in an understanding way. Luke is teaching this passage today at the Gateway Campus, and he has written in his notes: "A husband's selflessly understanding his wife. This is INSANELY counterculture in Peter's day."

Here's what He's saying to us guys: We should be able to understand our wives' likes and dislikes, passions, dreams, hopes, fears, strengths, weaknesses, and insecurities. It means you're going to have to ask her, because you're not going to get it on your own. I've been around enough ladies to know that she'll say, "I don't have to say it—he should know it." Maybe he should, but he doesn't. Do you know it? No. And you have to go from there.

Learning to Understand

This is surfacing all sorts of things for me because I'm in a really odd situation. I have 32 years of marriage on one hand and 25 weeks on the other. I feel like I understand all this, yet I feel like I'm figuring it out too. With Susan, after 32 years, you just kind of knew. Now I'm trying to figure it out, and I have to ask, and she has to tell me.

That's step one—I have to ask. Step two—I have to see it and figure out what those needs are. Step three—I have to act on it, and I have to understand verse four regardless of her response.

The idea of "weaker vessel" doesn't mean inferior. Mark Driscoll writes: "Think of it this way. Generally speaking, a wife is like a fine crystal glass. A man is like a thermos. One is not better than the other, but they're different. If you slam them together, the thermos wins almost every time."

A Different Approach to Weakness

Men are taught throughout their lives, from sports to business, to find a weakness and exploit it. Yesterday I was watching a game where a safety went down, and the commentator said, "Watch them go for that. They're going to exploit that weakness in the secondary." Men are taught to find weakness and exploit it.

But that kind of thinking, while fine in some areas of life, will destroy a wife and destroy a marriage. It's for me to understand her. It's for me to say, "These are her strengths, and I want to put her in that place of strength. I want to protect against those weaknesses." That's my calling. If we were going to study this completely, we'd be back in Ephesians five, but it's my responsibility and privilege to protect her, cherish her, and nurture her.

The Reality of Modern Marriage

Tim Keller writes: "Isn't it ironic? Older views of marriage are considered to be traditional and oppressive, while the newer view of the 'me marriage' seems so liberating. And yet, it is the newer view that has led us to a steep decline in marriage and to an oppressive sense of hopelessness with regard to it. To conduct a 'me marriage' requires two completely well-adjusted, happy individuals with very little in the way of emotional neediness of their own or character flaws that need a lot of work. The problem is, there's almost no one like that out there to be married."

Another author writes: "We always marry the wrong person. We never know who we marry—we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it time and he or she will change. For marriage, being the enormous thing that it is, means that we are not the same person after we've entered into it. The primary problem is learning how to live and care for a stranger to whom you find yourself married."

One wise person said: "It's not about marrying the right person; it's about being the right person."

Tim Keller writes, and we'll close with this: "If two spouses each say, 'I'm going to treat my self-centeredness as the main problem in marriage,' you have the prospect of a truly great marriage." I know this is not theory for me—I'm deeply involved in sorting this out.

trying to understand Sandy and to understand in the midst of all this, if there's a conflict, I'm willing to flinch and understand my main problem in this marriage, exactly what Keller says, is going to be my self-centeredness. And so, if I can get closer to Him, I'll get closer to Sandy.

I did a men's retreat a while ago, and there seemed to be a general disappointment in the fact that I didn't talk about marriage and I didn't talk about kids. And I said to the guy, because he shared this after most of it was over, I had one session left, and I said, "You know, your ace here shared with me that there's a general dissatisfaction, I get it, apologize, I wasn't told, I said, I wasn't told to talk about marriage and kids. I was told it was a men's conference. I didn't know that the perennial, eternal, ubiquitous problem with men is marriage, apparently. I didn't know that."

And I said, "I'll give you a little secret. I'm a better husband when I'm closer to Jesus. And I've observed that my wife seems to be a better wife when she's closer to Jesus." And the more I understand God and who He is, and the more I understand, I'm not saying don't talk about this, but I'm saying that's what Peter's saying.

The Supernatural Nature of God's Commands

He's saying, "Listen, you're not going to ever pull this off. You're not going to pull off this submit to government or submit to your master or submit to your husband or love your wife. Those are supernatural things, and you're not going to do them."

Now, here's what I do know. Some of you are sitting there right today and you're struggling, I got it. I would really encourage you, first of all, everything I said I believe is true. I'm totally confident it flows from the scripture. And you may be in a situation where you're just barely hanging on.

I would really encourage you to get some help, to talk to the men and the women that are here in the front of either the chapel or the conference center after service. Have them pray with you. Contact the church. Let us come along and help you.

The Power of Communion

Because if you're about to take communion, Justin's going to come and lead communion. When Justin leads communion, if you're going to take communion, here's what I know, you've got the power in you to submit to that husband and love that wife, because it's supernatural.

Not only is it true, I know it. I taught through the book of Ephesians and I hit that passage in Ephesians chapter five in Husband's Life. I'm done, this old lady comes up, she was really old, and she said, "We've been married 60 years." I said, "60 years ago, what's the secret?" And she said, you can see her look at me and you can see the respect melt away.

And here's what she wanted to say. Here's what she said with her body language: "Well, you jerk, you just taught it." That's what she was saying to me. "You moron, why are you asking me for some sort of antidote that you can plug into your next message?" It's true. But the issue is not whether it works, the issue is whether it's true. And God's called you to that. And to take that seriously.

I'll pick up right there, I'm teaching next week, I'll pick up right there next week.

Father, take these words and just drill them deep into our heart. Let us love You in a way that is beyond anything we could have imagined and let us fulfill the role You have for us, whether it's in government or society or the family. God, when You do the work in our life, thank You for Jesus. We pray to You in His name. Amen.