Sex in Marriage
Tom Shrader concludes an eight-week series on sexuality by design, focusing on God's plan for sexual intimacy within marriage. He addresses common misconceptions, emphasizing that sex and love are related but not identical, and that the Bible encourages rather than downplays sexuality in marriage. Using Scripture from 1 Corinthians 7, Song of Solomon, and other passages, he provides practical guidance for couples on communication, mutual fulfillment, and avoiding the manipulation or control that can damage marital intimacy.
“All sex, other than between a husband and wife, is a perversion of God's plan, and He's going to deal with that.”
— Tom Shrader
Series: Sexuality by Design (1999)
Recorded: December 02, 1999
Duration: 42 min
Themes: marriage, intimacy, sexuality, communication, love, fulfillment, relationship, design, married couples, newlyweds, struggling marriages, husband, wife, engaged couples, marital conflict, intimacy issues
Scripture: 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, 2 Samuel 13, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Timothy 4:1-3, 2 Timothy 3, Song of Solomon 2:3-6, Song of Solomon 4:10-11, Song of Solomon 8:14, Proverbs 5:15-19
Theological Themes: biblical sexuality, covenant marriage, sexual purity, marital intimacy, gods design, biblical relationships, sexual ethics, marriage theology
Full Transcript
This is the last week of an eight-week session series dealing with this issue of sexuality by design. Let me remind you real quickly of the premise, and it's encompassed in the title and subtitle: Ground Rules for Healthy Relationships.
When we talk about our sexuality, we are not talking about something that is an add-on. It's not like at the end of creation God said, "Oh my, here's this sex thing, I'd better deal with it." God designed us in a way that there is a sexual side to our being. But He also designed for us a way in which that sexuality is to be fulfilled, and it's within the context and the confines of marriage.
God's Design vs. Human Perversions
Throughout this series, we've talked about pornography and abortion. We talked about fornication—sex between singles. We talked about adultery—sex between married people other than with their partner. And we talked about homosexuality.
Here's a really important point, and I'm sure this is something we'll make a couple times today: Any of those are a perversion of God's design for your sexual expression. Among a group like this, most of you would identify yourself as conservative, evangelical people, if not politically, in terms of a lot of your thought. So you focus in and you go at this homosexual issue and you go, "Okay, this is wrong, this is a perversion." That diagnosis is correct as far as it goes. But just as perverted as homosexuality is adultery or fornication.
You can take the biggest, dumbest, stump-in-the-world person who's got no creativity in anything in life until it comes to sin, and all of a sudden, they are incredibly creative. We find enormous ways to rationalize our sin. So we've got this gigantic way of focusing in on this sin and missing this one over here. All of these that we've talked about—all of that sexual expression outside of marriage—is a perversion of God's plan. Equally perverted and equally repulsive in God's economy.
So we got that out of the way. We don't want to fit into this stereotypical view of being against everything. We are not against sex. We are for this! We started this whole series by saying sex is good—do I hear an amen?—within the confines of marriage, God's design.
Whether it's sex or whether it's money, whether it's power, whether it's parent-child relationships, whether it's friendship, business, it doesn't matter. When I violate God's plan for that, I will pay a price. I sin, and there are consequences to it.
The Modern View of Sex
When we talk about sex, that's just one of those topics to get everyone. One author wrote this: "Sex has become one of the most discussed subjects of modern times. The Victorians pretended it didn't exist. The moderns pretend nothing else exists."
That's what we're going to look at today. We're going to end the day and end this series by doing something we've never done before, and that's to give you a test. We're going to ask you, encourage you, in fact demand from you that you not answer these out loud. Save yourself the embarrassment and me the embarrassment as well.
What Should Sex Look Like in Marriage?
As we talk about today, we talk about sex in marriage. What should sex look like within marriage? We've said God's reserved sex for the context that it's to be filled out in—in the context of marriage. What's it to look like in there?
There's a book called Marriage Personalities, and they have a whole bunch of issues, but one of them was to talk to women and say, "Speaking of sex, what disappoints you the most?" And then to guys, "What disappoints you the most?" So they went to the women, and these are generalizations. We got lots of generalizations today. Now they are generally true—you may be the exception to it, but they're generally true. That's how they're called and identified as generalizations.
Women most frequently lament the lack of quality in sex. Let's see how sharp you are. Men most frequently lament the lack of quantity in sex, and there goes the issue. So when you talk to women in general, they'll describe their husband, and they'll say He's oversexed—that's all He wants to do. You talk to the guy, and He'll say, "She's frigid."
Understanding Men and Women
I have this theory. I have a lot of theories, but this is a theory about male-female relationships. I believe, and ladies, I believe this is true, even though you're going to reject this at first, but once you think about it, you'll realize it's true too. Men understand women better than women understand men. Oh, the guys go, "Yeah!" But see, here's why. For the last thirty years, all we've been told as men is, "Here's what women are, here's what women need." We don't do anything about it, but we understand it better than women understand men.
Ladies, I'm telling you, I find there's kind of a tip of the hat that this is true, but you've got to understand men generally are absolutely driven in this area of sex. I had a guy, and you know I don't make this stuff up, I had a guy in my office. Here's what He said to me: "My wife is pulling away from me sexually."
I said, "Really? How do you know that?" Now here's what He said, and He looked me right in the eye and said this: "We are having sex only six nights a week."
Now what's really cool is, I was just getting ready, because I hadn't seen Him in a while, I was just getting ready to say to Him, "Man, you've lost a lot of weight and you look pretty good." And all of a sudden, I said to myself—I didn't say anything, but I did go home and say to Susan—"I think I know why I'm fat."
I'm just telling you. Ladies, you cannot—I know you think that these guys are just people, pigs, who think about nothing but sex, but you don't yet have your view of them low enough. It's lower than that. This is a driving force in men's lives.
The Vulnerability of Sexual Differences
This issue makes a relationship very vulnerable and allows Satan to begin to work on couples. It puts in them a temptation to violate even the role that God has for them in this issue. This will come out real clear today.
When you take two people who view sex—just this one issue—so differently, you see how you have almost infinite opportunities for misunderstanding. We're going to look at some true-false questions to explore this further.
True or False: Intercourse and Intimacy Are the Same
Here's the first question: True or false? Intercourse and intimacy are redundant—that is, they are the same. Or, intercourse and intimacy are related issues. The true answer is the second one.
Intercourse and intimacy, sex and love, are not the same thing. I can be involved in all sorts of sexual activity and never be in love with that person. Maybe some of you in this room have fallen victim to that or victimized someone else in that relationship. Just because I'm having sex does not mean I'm in love. And just because I'm in love, especially if you're single, does not mean that I'm having sex. They are not equal. They are typically related, but frequently we see that one does not necessarily lead to the other, especially when we lead with intimacy.
The Story of Amnon and Tamar
There's a guy who provides a great illustration for us. His name is Amnon. You find him in 2 Samuel. "In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David." So you've got a little incest going on here as well. "Amnon became frustrated to the point of illness on account of his sister Tamar."
Amnon is literally lovesick. All he thinks about is Tamar. He thinks about her day and night, and what he thinks about is having her physically. Finally, one day, she's literally on a mission of mercy to him to bring him something to try to restore his strength. He grabs her and says, "Come to bed with me." She says, "Don't do this. It shouldn't be done." He refuses to listen, and he rapes her.
Now, you would think at that moment, if intimacy and love are equal, that this ought to spawn him into this terrific relationship. But look at the result: he hated her all the more. In fact, he hated her more than he ever loved her, and he said, "Get up and get out of here." Maybe some of you ladies in this room have heard that. Here's this guy who's wined and dined you, said all the right things, couldn't have anything but you—your eyes, your this, your that. And now he finally does, and he says, "Get up and get out," because there's no relationship here in terms of one-for-one equality between sexual intimacy and love.
He sends her away, bars the door, and says to the servants, "Get this woman out of here." Our first point to you is intimacy and love are not always connected.
The Bible's View of Sexuality in Marriage
Here's the second point: Does the Bible downplay sexuality in marriage, or does the Bible emphasize sexuality in marriage? Some of us are raised in an environment where we thought the Bible kind of says, "Shh, don't talk about it. Put it in the Old Testament—they'll never find it there." It's that kind of mentality: move it back there where nobody will ever read it anyway.
But the Bible doesn't shy away from this issue. The Bible doesn't downplay our sexuality in marriage—it emphasizes this. In the book of Hebrews, the author says, "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."
Let me make the point again: if you are involved in anything that's sexually immoral—and what the Bible says is anything outside of sex in marriage is immoral—God's going to deal with that. All sex other than between a husband and wife is a perversion of God's plan, and He's going to deal with that. God says this whole area of sexuality is important.
Religious Distortions of God's Design
Some people, especially religious people, have a tendency to distort that. As Paul writes to Timothy in 1 Timothy 4, he says, "In later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits." One of the two things they'll do is "forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods."
See, religion—that's what religion does. God hates religion. God can't stand religion, when by religion we mean this meaningless ritual that we go through where we think we can do this, this, and this to please a holy God and somehow earn pleasure in His eyes or earn grace or merit.
That's why legalism, as awful as it is, is so appealing. When you come to the great commandment—love God with all your heart, love your neighbor as yourself—that is hard. The first thing I want to know is, what does that mean? Tell me what to do. Because if you can give me five things, fifteen, even fifty things, at least I can go bing, bing, bing, bing, bing—got them done, I'm there. But here's the command: love your neighbor as you love yourself. When am I done? Never in this process.
The Last Days and Self-Absorption
Legalism comes in, and one of the things that false religion does—Paul goes on in 2 Timothy 3 to describe what He calls the last days. He says, "In the last days, men will be weird." Humankind will be absorbed with self. In 2 Timothy chapter 3, you ought to take a look at that: "Men will love themselves..."
The Danger of Denying God's Design for Marriage
In 2 Timothy 3, Paul warns about people in the last days who will have abnormal loves. Women will love, and mothers love themselves more than their children. But in the context there, it says they will hold to a form of godliness. That is, by the way, right where we are right now in the culture. We have this emphasis on spirituality. If spirituality was a stock, it's way up right now.
Everybody's talking about spirituality, but Timothy points out they'll talk about religion, and they'll even talk about God, but they'll deny the power. The power is in the person of Christ. That's why I can sit, and we can go down, and we can have endless discussions about God, and everybody's okay. That's not the dividing point. The dividing point - 96% of the American people believe in God. Here's why you start to find out where everybody is: when you say, what do you think about Christ?
The Bible emphasizes for us the importance of sex within marriage, and to start to come in and deny this, and say somehow it's more godly - and I know this will be misunderstood, but it's certainly not meant to be - but when you take something like Mary, the mother of Jesus, and you make her not just a virgin at the time of Jesus' birth, for indeed she was, and the Bible supports that, but you say, as for example the Roman Catholics do, that she was forever a virgin, you have two problems here. Number one, it denies Scripture. Scripture lists for us His brothers, Jesus' brothers and sisters. So you have just a biblical problem.
I'll tell you what else you have. You've got a goofy, idealistic system of husband and wife. So all of a sudden, the epitome of a great wife is forever virgin. That's a distortion, and it falls right into this. Paul says, watch out for this. When people come along and forbid you to marry and say that's bad, here you go.
Sex: For Recreation and Procreation
Here's the principle in this. Sex is not just for procreation. It's for recreation. It's not just we're one generation away from annihilation, we've got to have these kids. No, that's a great part of it, and there's great gifting kids and all that go with it, but sex is given to a husband and wife to fulfill and bring pleasure to one another. It's for recreation as much as procreation.
The Goal of Intimacy: Relinquishing Control
The goal of intimacy - and this gets really into some practical stuff - one statement's true, one's false. We'll go right to the true. By now you know it's always the second one. The goal of intimacy is to relinquish control, not to retain control. We're talking about in a husband-wife relationship.
So often people will come in, and it tends to be - and I don't mean to be, but these are just the facts - it tends to be the woman who will use sex in a manipulative way to maneuver her husband to accomplish what she wants from him, to alter his behavior. She'll use this as a control mechanism. We've got, for example, right now in the body of Christ - it just drives me nuts - we've got incredibly sexually active singles, and that's easy to identify.
What we have, and we see it more and more now as we deal with couples, are couples who are basically abstaining from sex. It is not at all unusual to have a husband-wife be in the midst of this talking through some issues to have them say, we have sex once a quarter. Whenever the consumer price index comes out, we have sex, if it's good. That's about it. Maybe every six months. That's not God's design.
When you see that, I'll just give you a little tip here. If you're married and you're in one of these systems where sex has become further and further apart in terms of frequency, you got a problem. You may not want to talk about it, and you may not want to admit it, but you got a problem. That's a symptom of it.
How Sexual Manipulation Undermines Leadership
Ladies, I come back to this. Men are so driven in this area of sexuality that they'll even yield their leadership in order to get the sex. I think I've told this story in here before, but I'm standing one day in a Christian bookstore, just standing there. I'm not bothering anybody. I'm just looking at a book, and this lady came up to me and said, you're Tom Schrader, aren't you? And I said - and you always know that's a problem. And I said, yes, I am.
She said, and again, I've never seen this gal, she said, you know the problem with men today? And she had on a wedding ring, and I can think, well, I know the problem one guy's got. I don't know about the rest of them, but I said, I don't know the problem with men today. She said, the problem with men today is their wimps. I happen to think that's true. I happen to think that guys have fallen into this trap.
It goes back to Genesis 3, where there's this struggle for leadership that's set in place, where as difficult as it is in our culture to be able to say this, the Scripture's clear, the man is the head of the house, the woman is in submission to the man, in the godly sense, the way we understand it, not in some I'm Tarzan, and you're Jane. It's not that. It's to love and to nurture, and that's the way God designed it, but men will - that's what's happened in the culture. Guys have fallen into this.
Guys dating now are so confused. They don't know what they're even supposed to be. They're trying to be sensitive, and they're trying to be understanding, and they're trying to be all these things, and they don't - they've just given up their role. God didn't wire guys - are there guys who are sensitive? Yeah, some of them. Most of them paired off a long time ago, but there aren't a lot of sensitive guys. That's not a guy's default position. That's just not there. Are we to be loving and understanding? Absolutely, and you know that, but there's a design there, and the guy in the marriage relationship is frequently so driven by this idea of sex that he will yield and—
I see couples where there is this constant yield and yield. I obviously deal with so many couples, even in social settings, and you can just pick out these dominant, strong wives. I'm not saying you want a housemouse. That's not the point here. When you get Susan and I together, you will see a give-and-take where Mrs. Schrader more than holds her own. That's not what we're talking about.
We're not talking about somebody that just sits quietly with their eyes down and waiting to be spoken to. We're talking about a fight for leadership, and frequently, sex becomes the issue. It's used to control or manipulate the other person.
Paul's Teaching on Marital Sexual Duty
Here again is what Paul writes. Paul says this: since there's so much immorality, it's good for a husband to have a wife and a wife to have her husband, and within those confines, for the husband to fulfill his duty to the wife and the wife to the husband, and the context here is sex. The wife's body doesn't belong to hers alone. Husband's body doesn't belong to him alone. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent for a time so that you may devote yourself to prayer.
Here's what he's saying. He's saying, look, because there's so much immorality, because there's so many people... We looked at this the last couple weeks. Why should I marry? Why should a person get married? I put forth, and you reacted way too strongly to this, that the primary reason to marry is sex. So I softened my statement and said it's one of the top two or three reasons to marry, but it's really the primary reason, but I'll go with the other statement just so you're happy.
The point here is Paul says it's better to be single than to be married. But the reason to be married is because I'm burning with lust. I need sex. My sexual drive so demands fulfillment, and I can't have that in God's design outside the marriage relationship, so now I marry. So one of the driving forces in marriage, and to be married, is to have sex.
The Danger of Sexual Deprivation
So Paul says, listen, stop depriving each other except, not unilaterally, but bilaterally, for a specific period of time, mutually agreed upon, and only then to pursue spiritual things. Prayer and those things that go with it. Prayer and fasting and all of those things. And look how beautiful it is. We talk about knowing man and knowing the inner being of man and all this stuff. No one knows man better than God.
And look how He closes the circle. Then, come together again. In other words, you've pulled apart, there's no sexual activity, I want you to come back again, and here's why. Otherwise, Satan's going to tempt you because you lack self-control. It's what you said at the beginning when you got married.
When you got married, you made the statement, the obvious statement, that sexuality was an important part of that. That was the driving force in marriage. If you are not getting, in that marriage, in the area of sex and romance, if that isn't happening, you are vulnerable to Satan's temptation.
Understanding Gender Differences in Intimacy
Let me talk first to you guys. When we talk in the area of intimacy and sex, a woman tends to emphasize more the romantic side of it, the flowers, the cards, the words. Those are the things that need to be said. And she needs that from you, especially in this culture where you're sending that woman into the marketplace.
If she doesn't get it from you, she's going to get it somewhere. Somebody in the course of the day is going to say, and gals, you know this, "Boy, that's a beautiful dress, did you pick that cubicle so that that light would just hit your hair the way it does? And it just picks up the red that's in there." And you know he's lying to you, but you're starving for this, and this jerk you're married to hasn't said anything but, "What's for dinner," in so long that you thought... Now am I relieving the lady from the responsibility to go...
How Men Manipulate Women
I used to work with a guy, again, this will give you an insight into the heart of men. This is in my pre-Christian days, this is about 22 years ago. And he said, "You point out a woman, I don't care who it is, pick out any woman and within 30 days I can get her to bed." And he wasn't some stud. This guy understood how to work women.
And gals, these guys, they're testing you all day. They'll have a comment that's just a little bit off color and they're waiting to see how you respond. And if they get a buy signal, they're going to stay on this. And then they're going to turn into this sensitive guy, and they're going to start this, "Oh, you know, I can just talk to you. You're so easy to talk to. You know, my wife is just, we don't talk. We can't really, you know, when I open up to her, she doesn't, I don't know, nobody really seems to understand me like you do."
He's trying to get you in the rack. I don't know how else to tell you this. He doesn't care. He's working you. He's manipulating you. And all of a sudden, this emotional connection takes place, you're in trouble.
The Vulnerability of Unfulfilled Men
Conversely, gals, let me tell you. If the guy is not having those sexual needs met at home, he's vulnerable to the marketplace. Am I excusing him? Obviously not. But that's the whole point here. God's saying, I put you together to meet each other's needs, husbands to love your wives, wives to submit to your husbands, to this context, this beautiful relationship of intimacy and sex and love, and if it isn't happening, you need to understand something, Satan's going to get in there. And you acknowledge that, at least by definition, when you agree to marriage in the first place.
Sexual Fulfillment and Monogamy
Three more questions. We've got to go quick. Sexual fulfillment requires a monogamous relationship. That is true. You know, we look at this situation that we see around us now. I watched The Donald the other night, I'm one of the few people in the world, I love The Donald. I find him recreationally humorous, and I love The Donald. And The Donald's talking about, it's interesting, all the things he
hates, but he does them. I hate abortion, he said. I just hate. On that interview, on Meet the Press, he must have said, I hate abortion ten times. But then he said, but of course, I defend the woman's right to have it. I hate divorce. I'm not kidding. He said the other night, again, ten times, I hate divorce. It's so off. I hate these divorces. Yes, well, I've had two of them, yes. And prenuptial, I hate these prenuptials. He said, these prenuptials, I hate these prenuptials. They're awful, but you've got to have one.
It's interesting. All these things you hate. And here's The Donald, and now he's got this new lady, the first lady, he wants her to be the first lady, and he's got this new lady, and we see people going from person to person to person to person to person, and we think there's going to be fulfillment. There's going to be happiness. That's not God's design. Fulfillment takes place in the confines of a monogamous relationship.
The Problem of Sequential Monogamy
Let me talk to those of you that are single and sexually active. You've got problems to start with because you're sexually active, but at least here's what you say: I'll be monogamous. But what you mean is, as long as I'm in this relationship, I'm monogamous. You're in this relationship for a month, and then it's over, and you go to the next one, and now you're monogamous in this. So at the end of the year, you've been monogamous with 12 different people. It's what I call sequential monogamy. You're monogamous? No.
Here's what the author of Proverbs writes, and again, it's allegory, and I always mess up allegory, but even an idiot like me can see this one. It's all in the context here of sexuality and the relationship. "Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets or your streams, and the water public squares, let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers." Here, that's how we would say it: Hey, Ruby, don't take your love to town. It's a focus here on this relationship.
Here's how sex is to be fulfilled: "May the fountain be blessed. May you rejoice in the wife of your youth, a loving doe, a graceful deer. May her breast satisfy you always. May you be captivated by her love." This is God's picture of a healthy relationship. It's monogamous. It's the body. It's the person of your youth that you grow old together, and you love one another, and you stay together, and there's an exclusivity to this relationship.
Communication Upgrades Intimacy
Intimacy is upgraded when it's discussed. This is good. We hear all the time, number one problem in marriage is communication. Then let's talk, and let's talk about sex. See, we talk about communication in all these words, but we also talk about communication in terms of the romance.
This from the Song of Solomon, the woman speaks, and then the man. Here's what the woman says: "Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is the lover among the young men. My guy. There he is. There's one that stands out. That's Him. I delight to sit in His shade." I smile at that, because Susan says that to me almost every... well, she says it differently. She said, "We've got more shade now, Tommy, than we've ever had, little guy." "His fruit is sweet. Listen to this. He's taken me to the banquet hall. His banner over me is love. He strengthens me with raisins. He refreshes me. He feeds me. I faint with love."
This is terrific. Now, I want you to get this: "His left arm is under my head. His right arm embraces me." Most people, right-handed. His left arm is under me. His right hand is working all over the place. It's free to roam, and that's the imagery here, and this is what she's talking about.
He responds, and he says, "How delightful is your love, my bride. How much more pleasing is your love than wine. The fragrance of your perfume is like a spice. Your lips drip sweetness as honeycomb. My bride, milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like that of Lebanon." This is before the bombing. This is in ancient times. Lebanon was a place that was renowned for these beautiful flowers and these trees with these magnificent fragrance and aroma. You could smell the city prior to even arriving there. "You are beautiful, my darling. There is no flaw in you."
Men Don't Get It Without Communication
We talk about communication, not just communication in the context here of all of life, but all of life, including sex, to dialogue about it, to talk about it. And I think, and this is a big point for me, gals, I come to you again with this issue. If you don't talk with guys about stuff, they're not going to get it.
I can take almost any couple in here, and here's what we'll do. We'll set you in here, put the guy in a soundproof booth. I'll take the gal, and I'll say, "On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your marriage? One being, it's awful, it stinks, ten being it couldn't be any better." And the gal generally will go, "Hmm, four, four and a half, are you going to ask him this question?" "Yes." "Oh, I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'll say five." And she spends a half hour to get to that.
Now you bring the guy in, and you say, "I got a question for you." "What is it?" "On a scale of one to ten, one being awful, ten being sublime, how's your marriage?" He doesn't even think. He goes, "Eight and a half, nine, I don't know, nine, nine and a half. She'd probably say nine and a half." He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand. How do you get that read? Well, how do you deal with that? Well, you've got to talk about this stuff. You have to communicate about these things.
God Encourages Quality Sexual Intimacy
And then the last point that we would make to you, before we start to summarize, is that God encourages the quality of your sexual intimacy. At the close of the Song of Solomon, speaking of sex, using, again, a picture here. This is the picture of an all-you-can-eat buffet. This is this gigantic, eat—
friends, and drink, and drink your fill, oh, lovers." He said, sexually, here's the phrase I use, speaking of the holiday we just had, you are to be thanksgiving full, just the way you were last Thanksgiving. You go, "Well, I can't eat. I've got to go watch a game. I can't eat anything else." Now, it's another two hours before you're back for the pie. "But I can't eat anything else." That's the way that my sexual relationship is to be lived out.
Marriage as Evangelism
Now, why this is important for you and for me is because, as Christians, our marriage is one of the primary ways we evangelize the lost world. I was talking to a guy who was in this newlyweds class. There were nine couples. He ran in, five years after he left the class, he ran into another guy, and as close as they could tell between the two of them, comparing notes, seven of the nine couples in this newlyweds Sunday school class at church were divorced.
What's that say to the world? We say as Christians, or at least I do, we've got answers. They're not my answers, they're God's answers. And when you take God's answers, you apply them to your life, now your life works. And they say, "Really? How's it working? Is it working real well? Here's seven out of nine couples that couldn't make their marriage work." If you can't even make your marriage work, then you might as well take the rest of this stuff and push it away.
Our marriages should be pictures that people point to. And they don't just say, "Oh, gee, they get along." They got to look at them and say, "That's how I want to be." And a key part of that is a sense that there is fulfillment in every aspect of your life.
I make no bones about it. Susan turns my crank. You may look at her, and when I see her, there are times, and it's not always, you know, but there are times when I just tingle. When I'm sitting, it doesn't even matter where we are. But every once in a while, she'll do it to me in church, and I think it's just to bug me. She'll reach over, and she'll just touch me. She'll touch my leg or put her hand on my shoulder, and I'm telling you, I can just feel it go inside. I mean, it just excites me so much. And I think to the world when they see us together, they pick up on that, and they go, "Wow, look at that." And it's not something you can fake or should fake. It's something that happens.
Five Specific Instructions for Sexual Intimacy
Here you go. Here's five specific pieces of instruction in four minutes. Number one, commit your experience to this sexual intimacy. You need to be committed to this. Secondly, you need to get rid of these taboos. If you're walking around with a bunch of guilt because somebody told you, "Sex is yucky, don't be involved in this."
Ladies, I brought these brochures in today. Al has them in the back. Ladies at our church are sponsoring a conference in January. This is to be Super Bowl weekend. It's "Intimate Issues." Guys, I'm telling you, ladies, you ought to be there. Guys, this would be a great little Christmas gift to give to yourself, I think.
Here are the topics they talk about. How does God really feel about sex? Can I be godly and sensuous? How can I shift into sexual gear? How do I deal with the guilt of the past? Here's what they get to Saturday afternoon. What do I do when I don't want to do it? What do I do when I get there? Why is he a microwave and I'm a crockpot? Why is this thing, he's asleep, and you're saying, "How was it?" And he's... Why is that going on? What's not okay in bed? And I think you're going to find out not very many things. Pretty limited list. And how can I recapture that passion?
These are important things to talk about. And I think the church has done a pathetic job of not dealing with these. And it's so helpful to be able to have ladies talk to ladies especially, as we talk to men as well about this. I would encourage you, and obviously it's open attendance, but you need to register. Those brochures are with Al. Al will be in the back.
Communication and Coaching
Guys, you ought to be taking a look at this. You ought to figure out how to meet your partner's needs. You got to talk about this. You go in, it's interesting. You make a sales call, and you're driving back to the office, and you debrief it. "How'd you go? How was that? What'd you say? How'd he say?" I would say, not a bad thing to do after the sexual thing. "How was that? How'd that work?" Because my... And you just get your ego out of the way. I don't want to know. I want to... Hey, my thing here is to make you happy and please you. "What feels good? Did that feel good?" "Well, no, it really didn't." "Wow, I thought it did." "Well, you're close. A little more to the left, and you got it." "Okay, bam, I'm there."
I want to know. Coach me. Coach me. I'm a coachable kid. I want to know. What's going to work here? And because I'm involved in this, I find... And maybe... This is too autobiographical. Maybe. Go ahead. It's too autobiographical, perhaps. But I find, sexually, I find as much pleasure seeing and being part of Susan being satisfied than my own satisfaction, which is goofy. But that's because I want to be... I'm doing this, and I want to meet your needs. That's a big part of it.
The Commitment to Sexual Fidelity
Three more pieces of advice real quickly. Commit yourself, big deal, to sexual fidelity. I tell Susan over and over again, there never has been, there is not now, and through God's grace, there never will be any other gal. You're it, baby. You're it. 2.5 billion fish in the sea, and you're the tuna I picked. It's you and me, baby. And there's nobody else. You can count on me. And you need to hear that. It's not... I need to hear that over and over again. There has to be that trust in that relationship. And she knows it.
One thing Susan knows, she can trust me. He may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, and he may say a lot of stupid things, but I'll tell you one thing, he's faithful to me. He loves me. I'm more important to him than any other person on the earth. Even when the kids are in the room, I say, "Kids, you're really great, but
I love your mom more than you. Your mom's more important to me than you. You're going to be gone. You're 19 and 20. In a year or two, you're gone. We're going to miss you, but she and I are going to be together forever. That needs to be communicated. Express this excitement. Let it be known.
Following God's Design
Then follow God's direction. This is advice you could write down for any issue: Follow what God has to say, and understand He'll work through this. When it comes to this area of sex, I've got to understand that it's to take place in the confines of marriage, and it's there for pleasure.
My desire here is not to manipulate someone with it, but to minister. That may sound silly to you in a Christian context, but even to minister to that other person sexually—it's an absolutely beautiful concept.
Looking Ahead
Well, next week, we move and continue really in a very practical gear. As the holidays come, we deal with this issue of family. What about family? Not all the families are like they used to be. It's not all Ward and June and Wally and the beaver anymore. How do we deal with all those different issues? We'll look at them next week.
Closing Prayer
Father, help us see this. Help us see how important this is, even something that in our minds we might view as something that belongs to us, an issue that's just us, and we can't even imagine anything spiritual about it. Father, help us understand that for us, sexuality is a spiritual issue, that You've given us instructions.
God, soften our hearts, those hearts that are bitter and hard that are here. We ask You to soften them. I pray for the guys that You would especially put in their heart a desire to romance and to love and to nourish their wives. In the gal's heart, a desire to be used by You to minister in a sexual way to these guys. Father, please do that.
Even when we deal with something like sex, what we're also often dealing with is a condition of our heart, a heart toward You. God, help us understand You put us here to minister and to live for one another, not for ourselves. Father, help us see that. We pray that to You in Jesus' name, amen.
See you next week.