Judges 14-16 - Mistaking Lusts for Love
Tom Shrader teaches on the third 'dumb mistake' - confusing lust and love - using Samson's tragic relationships with the Philistine woman and Delilah from Judges 14-16. He explains that true love is primarily a commitment from which feelings flow, not the reverse, and provides practical guidance for both married couples experiencing lost feelings and singles seeking godly relationships.
“Love is primarily a commitment from which feelings flow - if you reverse that process, you got problems.”
— Tom Shrader
Series: Dumb Mistakes: How to Avoid Them (2004)
Recorded: March 11, 2004
Duration: 44 min
Themes: love, lust, marriage, relationships, temptation, commitment, wisdom, consequences, dating singles, struggling marriage, relationship confusion, young adult, married couple, sexual temptation, choosing spouse, marital conflict
Scripture: Judges 14:1-4, Judges 16:1-3, Judges 16:15-21, Hebrews 11, Hebrews 12, 1 Peter 3, 2 Corinthians 6:14
Theological Themes: biblical wisdom, sanctification, holy living, covenant marriage, sexual purity, biblical relationships, spiritual discernment, godly commitment
Full Transcript
Here we go, week three. You have the outline in front of you—week three in a series titled "Dumb Mistakes." Don't miss the subtitle because the subtitle is key: "How to Avoid Them."
Basically, here's what we're saying in the premise. Let me remind you because we missed last week. There are three ways to learn. There's the intuitive book way—you grab a book, you take a class, you learn. That's one way to learn. There's a second way to learn, and that's to go through the school of hard knocks. You just experience things, and life has a way of beating you up, but hopefully you'll learn from that.
There's another way to learn—I would call it my favorite way to learn. The tuition is far lower than either of the other two, and the yield can be very high. That is by observing other people, by learning from others. Whether it's good and you begin to model that behavior, or it's bad and you begin to avoid that behavior. That's what we're trying to capitalize on in this series.
Our Pattern for This Series
We're going to follow that same outline pattern all the way through the series. We're going to take this idea of looking at a mistake, getting some background, analyzing the mistake, looking at the results, looking at a principle, and focusing on a solution. I like that because it takes us all the way through. It doesn't do you a lot—at least for me, I don't like it when they just identify a problem and then leave you hanging. But to develop that all the way through—that's what we're doing. That's the premise of the series.
We said that to get it down to eight mistakes was a hard thing to do. To pick the first mistake was an easy thing to do. If you screw this one up, then none of the other stuff matters. The first one is to fear God. By that, we mean to understand who God is, to have a reverential awe of God and who He is, to understand the Creator God, the God of the Bible. Not God as you wish He was, not God as you hope He would be, not God as you'd like Him to be, not a God that's made in your image, not a God that's some puppet that you use and manipulate, but God as you find Him in the scripture. The first dumb mistake is to fear God. Obviously, the solution in our context is to come to Him in repentance and faith through His Son, Jesus Christ.
Review of Previous Mistake
Last time, we looked at dumb mistake number two: thinking a couple of drinks won't hurt you. We looked at the principle—whether it's booze or drugs or whatever it is, you could really just take any vice in there and apply it, and take it out and extend it out and say these things can be damaging, these things can be destroying.
I mentioned to you—and I did not plant him—but I have a friend who was in the Tuesday study two weeks ago, and he's a cop. In fact, he was the assistant chief of police in Tempe. Many of you know Les Taylor. I didn't set it up, I didn't say anything. I said, "In all the times that you've been to domestic violence calls, how many times did you see alcohol involved?" Listen to this answer: He said, "I never made a call on domestic violence where there was not alcohol involved."
That's a huge issue. I don't know what we do with that. We talked about it at length. We talked about whether it's all right to have a drink, and we went through that whole process. I'm not going to make you relive all those moments. But I do think there's something there. I mean, the whole anti-smoking—no kid's going to climb in a cigarette and stick it into my car and kill me with a cigarette. But you've got this booze stuff—it's serious stuff. Big bucks involved in that deal. But we're done with it.
Today's Focus: Mistake Number Three
Mistake number three. There are only two groups of people that need to hear this today. Those of you that are married, and those of you that are single. Everybody else, you're out of this thing. So grab your coffee and head to the door. But if you're married or if you're single, we've got something to talk to you about today.
I have watched successful CEOs, I've watched prominent business people, sports people, wonderful moms, devoted Sunday school teachers throw away a life because they missed this mistake. Dumb mistake number three: to confuse lust and love. To confuse lust and love.
In fact, here you go. You know, those of you that love music and love songs—there are so many great love songs written. We gave you one right there in your introduction. I mean, what a great love song. "There she was just walking down the street, singing doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo." And herein lies the problem: "She looked good, she looked fine, and I nearly lost my mind." Here's the problem: "Before I knew it, she was walking next to me, singing doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo"—meet my attorney. I just added that, but then goes the story.
Samson's Story Begins
Dumb mistake number three: confuse lust and love. If you've got Bibles with you, we'd invite you to open them to the book of Judges, the 14th chapter. We'll work our way through chapter 14 a little bit, then chapter 16. A guy, a character that you're probably very familiar with—his name is Samson.
You may not know a ton about Samson. At Samson's birth, he was dedicated to the Lord. He was given a Nazirite vow. That meant that he would never have alcohol touch his lips, he would never cut his hair, and this symbolized that he was set apart for God. He was set apart—he was God's man.
Here's the story: "Samson went down and saw there was a young Philistine woman. When he returned, he said to his father and mother"—and dads and moms would be involved in arranging marriages and so forth—said, "I have seen a Philistine woman in Timnah, now get her for me as my wife. Go get her." There she is, I've seen her. Key word here: he sees her. You're going to see that mistake repeated again and again and again.
She was, just walking down the street, looked good, looked fine, and I nearly lost my mind. Boy, there's a lot of wisdom in that song, and his parents say to him, maybe what your parents said to you when you came home with this prospective spouse, "Isn't there an acceptable woman among your relatives or all your people?" In other words, you can do better than this. This isn't, you can do a lot better than this, Samson. But Samson said to his father, "Get her for me, she's the right one."
Now I personally love the next verse, it makes me laugh, it makes me think of my own life. Then he went down and talked with her, and he liked her. He sees her, she's looking good, he's already made up his mind, she's the one, that's the one I want, that's my wife. And then subsequently, he talks to her and likes her too.
The reason I laugh at this, is this, this is exactly how I met Susan. When I have, every guy, I mean I know you talk about different things, every guy has a physical type that they like. They may like long hair, whatever, some physical characteristic, fill in the blank. I like skinny girls. I like Twiggy, when I was a young kid, Twiggy, I loved Twiggy, Twiggy was too thick for me. I like skinny girls, I always liked skinny girls.
When I saw Susan, and Susan was moving in next door, she's carrying this stuff up, when I first met Susan, she was probably a 0-2 size, 1-2. So here's this skinny little girl carrying this big thing upstairs, I'm saying hearty stock but skinny, I like this, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with that girl, right there. And literally, it took me a while, but it was two or three days later, when I was able to really corner her, to ask her out, and I remember when she talked, that was to me like an add-on, it was like air conditioning CD player. It never occurred to me to have dialogue with her, that was never part of what I was thinking in the process. So when I read Samson's story, I loved it, for me, I just chuckled when I read the story. He saw her, he said, I want her, and then she could talk, he said, oh, I like her too.
A Rocky Start to Marriage
Now, here's the rest of the story, they get married. The reception, as it would in that context, lasted seven days. Lots of problems now in this relationship. This is Jerry Springer to the 400th power. She then kills 30 of her family members during the reception. That's not good. That's a rocky start. Her father goes and gets the best man and has the best man come and sleep with the bride and kind of consummate the marriage. So things are falling apart here.
Now there's a little verse tucked away in chapter 14, verse 4. Chapter 14, verse 4 tells us that God's in charge of all this. That God's going to deal harshly with the Philistines. And the way that God's going to deal harshly with these Philistines is through Samson.
The Pattern Continues
So, now these guys come together, here's this wedding, here's this marriage, he's sorry, he's in love. We pick up the story in chapter 16. There's now hatred between the Philistines and Samson. They hate him. He's killing him. At this point, he's killed about a thousand Philistines.
See if you see a pattern. One day, Samson went to Gaza, where he saw a prostitute. His eyes keep getting him in trouble. There it is again. There she was, just walking down the street. Looked good, looked fine. It's over and over again. And he went in to spend the night with her.
And the people of Gaza were told Samson's here. So they surrounded the place, and they lay in waiting for him. They're going to wait the whole night. And they made no move during the night, and they said, here's what's going to happen at dawn, we'll kill him. So here's the strategy. He's in there with this woman. He's going to let them go the whole night. He's going to do their thing the whole night. And then he'll be in a weakened condition, because they've got a problem with his strength. He'll be in a weakened condition. And then in the morning, they'll get him.
My sense is, the night apparently didn't go as great as Samson had hoped. Look at here in verse 2 and 3 and 4. "Samson lay there only until midnight. Then he got up, took hold of the door of the city gate, together with two posts, tore them loose, took the bar and all, lifted it on his shoulders, and carried them to the top of the hill that faces Hebron." Now, what I'm saying is, he apparently didn't expend as much energy as he thought, because he took the gate, the post, the door, threw them on his back, and ran 38 miles uphill. So it didn't go as hard as he would like it to have been. So their plot is foiled.
God's Patience and Protection
Look at how God's protecting Samson. God keeps intervening and protecting him. We hear this all the time. I don't like that God of the Old Testament. I don't like that God of the Old Testament. He's so judgmental. We see God wait hundreds of years. We see God wait again and again and again and again and again and again and again.
I'm in a prayer group one time, and there's a guy praying through, and he says, "God, thank you for your infinite patience." God does not have infinite patience. God is not a God that's going to sit passively and allow these things to take place. That He allows you and I as sinners to draw one breath is a demonstration of His patience.
You and I live in a world that has almost no understanding of who God is anymore because we've gotten away from what the Scripture teaches about God, and we create God in our own image. So we talk about God as we'd like Him to be. Or here you go. Here's a great way to edit God. Here's how you edit God. You take one of God's legitimate attributes and exaggerate it beyond all the others.
So in this culture we're in, here's what you would hear. I think God's a God of love. Love, love, love, love, love, love, love. Is God a God of love? Sure He is. Does God love? Absolutely. But God is also a God of wrath and judgment. He's a God that's patient. But He's also, here's an attribute you don't think of God, a jealous God.
God's a jealous God. He's jealous of his people. So all these things start to come into play.
Meeting Delilah
Sometime later, now we meet the new character. When you think of Samson, you think of somebody else. Who do you think of? My, my, my, my, my Delilah. I've got music going today.
So here you go. Sometime later he fell in love with a woman. Here he goes again. And this whole idea of falling in love. We hear that all the time. I fell in love. I fell out of love. I fell in love like I fall in mud or something. Like I get the measles. I fell in love. This capricious nature it is. Driven by feeling.
He fell in love with this woman named Delilah. And the ruler of the Philistines went to her and said, "See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his strength and how we can overpower him so we can tie him up and subdue him. Each of us will give you 1,100 shekels of silver." Five rulers. What they're saying is we'll give you a boatload of money here. You just turn him over. Find the secret.
The Secret of His Strength
Now this next verse, it's been a long time. Susan and I have been married 25 and a half years. We dated a couple years before that. So it's been a long time since I've dated. But reading this verse just brings back a ton of memories for me. I cannot tell you how many times a girl would come up to me and say this. Let me read it: "Tell me the secret of your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued." I heard that all the time.
Samson said, "If somebody ties me up with seven fresh thongs that haven't been dried, I become as weak as any other man." Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes Pee Wee Herman if we just tie him up like this. The rulers of the Philistines brought her these things, tied him up, and now here he is. They're hidden in the room and she calls out. Here's her little call: "Samson." This is her wake-up call. "Samson, the Philistines are upon you." He snapped these thongs. They broke like string when it comes close to a flame. And the secret wasn't discovered.
Dumb Mistake Number Three: Confusing Lust and Love
Now all that background to get to dumb mistake number three. He confuses lust and love. Look at Judges 16, verse 15. Then she said to him: "How can you say you love me when you won't confide in me? You say you love me but you never talk to me. I feel like there's secrets between us. You never really tell me what's going on. We never really have meaningful conversation. You just never really talk, Samson. You say but you don't. This is the third time that you've made a fool of me and you haven't told me your secret."
Now listen to this next verse: "With such nagging, she prodded him day after day until he was tired to death." Some of your translations will say she pestered him. She got on him and she rode him day and night. Night and day. Relentless. Never let up.
So he told her everything. Here's the secret: "No razor's ever been used on my head because I've been a Nazirite set apart to God since birth. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me and I'd become as weak as any other man." Now you've got to understand there's nothing inherently powerful about his hair, but what his hair symbolizes is his relationship to the Lord, his closeness to the Lord, his being set apart for God. Here's what he's saying: the strength that I have is a gift from God. That strength finds its source in God. And if that symbol's broken, that relationship, now my strength is gone.
The Betrayal
When Delilah saw that he had told her everything, and I find that is a fascinating phrase. How'd she know? How could she look at him? She must have been very, very experienced in reading men. Must have been somebody who'd been with a whole bunch of them. Somehow she intuitively knew at this moment that he told her everything.
And she went to the Philistine rulers. She said, "Come back one more time. He's told me everything." So the rulers of the Philistines returned with silver in their hands. Having put him to sleep in her lap. So there he is. He's laying down. She's stroking that long hair. Got a little Barry White playing. Got a little Julio Iglesias. She's stroking that hair. He's dozing off. Dan Rather has the same effect on me. He's dozing off. Sound asleep.
All of a sudden she called to the men. In he comes, shaves off the hair, began to subdue him, and all his strength left him.
The Spiritual Failure
Dumb mistake number three: confuse lust and love. Here's the result: there's spiritual failure. Now you see the repercussions of this. And she cried out, here's the wake-up call: "Samson, the Philistines are upon you." So he woke up from his sleep and thought, "I'll go out as before and shake free." But he did not know that the Lord had left him.
Now, we've got to understand, in our context, the Lord's never going to leave you or forsake you, right? The Lord's never going to abandon you. Make sure you understand because this, to me, is one of the all-time great confusing things in all of Scripture. If I fast forward to the book of Hebrews, to the 11th chapter, to the Hall of Fame of Faith, these are the guys: Abraham, Moses, David, Joseph, these giants, Enoch, these giants of the faith. Samson's in the group. I don't understand it.
When we talk about God leaving him, God didn't abandon him. Don't you think for a second now, if you're a Christian, now we're going to get down and dirty. If you're a Christian, what does that mean? That means if you know Jesus Christ in a personal way, if you've come to Him in repentance and faith, if you're trusting Him and Him alone for your salvation. Just as I was coming in today, I'm listening to the radio and they're talking about Ramadan and they're talking about the Islam faith and they're saying that during Ramadan they fast, they believe if they adhere to a strict fast during Ramadan, it wipes out their sins for the previous year. And in churches, many
of you, have some version of Ramadan. You've got something that you do. You do this, it wipes out the sin. You do this, it obliterates the sin. The guilt is gone.
There's nothing you can do. There's no church you can join. There's nothing you can do. Salvation is of Christ and Christ alone. It's to come to Him in repentance and faith. Here's what I say: it's to believe that Jesus is who He said He was, that you are who Jesus says you are, and that He died to remedy that situation.
The True Meaning of Christ's Death
The Passion - I'm going to guess by this point a lot of people in here have seen that movie. I've got all sorts of reactions to it. I liked it, which is weird for me because I don't like violence. I didn't think it was violent. I really didn't. I thought the violence had context and it made sense.
But here's what that movie didn't do. That movie didn't tell you why He died. It alluded to it at the beginning, but it didn't tell you why He died. Why did He die? Why did He have to go through that? Why was He beaten like that?
I think you understand this. All the savagery He experienced, hundreds of thousands of people have experienced that much pain. Thousands of people died in crucifixion. What made His death unique was not all that beating that you saw. It's that moment on the cross where now the wrath of God is poured out on Him. That's the agony of the cross. That's what made that death so horrific - not the physical part of it. Lots of people died that way, maybe worse. What made it horrific is the God who had never sinned was now treated as though He was guilty of our sin. He the God who hates sin experienced the wrath of God at that moment. That's the horrific nature of that.
The Security of Our Salvation
If you've understood that, if you're a Christian, if you're here today and genuinely converted, there is no way that God is ever going to leave you or abandon you. There's no way that you'll miss heaven. If you're genuinely converted, if you today would die and go to heaven, then I don't care if you live another hundred years, I guarantee you're saved because that's what the scripture teaches. Our union with God is unbreakable.
However, our communion with God may not be so vibrant. That's going to depend on one thing - not Him, on you. On your obedience and on your response.
Samson's Final Humiliation
So He left them and the Philistines seized Him and the Philistines now do a huge favor for Samson. They gouge out His eyes. These eyes have been bugging Him. These eyes have gotten Him in trouble. These eyes have done Him no favor. God says, "You know what, let's see if we can eliminate that." And they're gone. They gouge out His eyes and they took Him down, put Him in shackles and He's grinding. In the prison, they got Him in the most humiliating circumstances possible.
Result: spiritual failure. Here's the principle. When you're trying to figure out this whole relationship - male, female, who to marry, not to marry, all this stuff - you submit yourself to God's standards, not man's standards.
God's Discipline for His Children
Those of you who are Christians, if you are in the midst of sin, God is going to discipline you. If you're in the midst of sin and God has not yet disciplined you, you've got one of two possibilities. I'll give you two pieces of advice. One, duck. It's coming. Or two, this is worse - maybe you're not His kid.
In all my life, I hesitate to say it because it's always misunderstood. I'm not huge on kids. I never wanted any kids. I certainly never wanted any of my own. I never wanted any kids. I never saw any that I liked. There was nothing that I saw that made me want to have these kids. Susan wanted to have a couple of kids and I said, "All right, I guess let's do this, get it over with."
Now, I love my kids and I mean I'm great with my kids. I would die for my kids and I'll do something even bigger than die for my kids. I live for my kids. There's a little personal pronoun in there that makes that sentence particularly powerful. My kids. I'm not that bent out of shape about yours.
The Principle of Parental Discipline
I'll see all sorts of kids acting up that absolutely need to experience a little punishment, but I've never once disciplined them. My kids, I discipline and I discipline them hard. In fact, people have said that Susan and I are strict disciplinarians.
Let me put this in context. I'll give you a little child rearing advice. When our kids were small and every time I say this, I get in trouble and I frankly don't understand the reaction. Raising a kid is no different than breaking a puppy. It's the same principle.
Here's what you do. Here's a boundary. Here's a boundary. You do whatever you want in the boundary. When you get to the boundary, there's repercussions. The toughest job on the planet is parenting. The reason is it's 24-7 and it demands a vigilant consistency.
You don't want to do it. You cannot say, "Here's the boundary," let them creep over it and say, "Now I told you, don't you do that again." Here's what you've taught Him. That delayed obedience is okay. You got a whole society that says, "Three strikes and you're out." We're there like this. You hit this, bam.
Now I say I'm a strict disciplinarian. Let me tell you something. I've got two kids and I have one daughter that I never spanked.
So how strict could I have been? I got another daughter that I spanked some. By the time they were nine or ten, there were almost no boundaries. We had teenage girls with no rules.
Here's what I find with all my friends - they get all philosophical and read all this garbage. When their kids are young, they're trying to love them and care for them and be their friend and do all these things. So they have no boundaries. Just let Biff do whatever he wants to do. He runs through Toys R Us and pulls stuff off. "Isn't that cute? Isn't that sweet?" That's cute? No, you're training a delinquent here.
So they have no boundaries. Then they get a fifteen-year-old and they put boundaries like this on them. It's not going to work, my friend. You've taught that kid to rebel. You're going to reap what you sow.
We got fourteen-year-old girls, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen with no rules. We had no curfews. Our kids would come to us and say, "Dad, what time you want me home?" And it'd be 7:30. I said, "What time you want me home?" I said, "What are you going to do?" "We're just going to go get something to eat." "I'll be home by nine." "Nine? All right. 8:45. Okay, I don't care. You got anything to do?"
See, if you got an eleven o'clock curfew, this kid's running around for three and a half hours with nothing to do. I'll have the same kid the next night and I'll say be in by nine. The next night I'll say, "What are you going to do?" "Well, there's a ball game. The guys are going to shower. Then we're going to go eat. Then we're going to go to a movie." I'll say, "All right, be in by two." To me, that makes great sense rather than eleven. It's dumb.
That's like saying you can date when you're sixteen. No, you can date when you're ready. I know thirty-eight-year-olds that aren't ready. You don't date because you get to be sixteen. I just think that's stupid.
Love Requires Boundaries and Discipline
Now, all that to say, you got these boundaries. If I love my kids, I'll do it. James Dobson says the number one problem that people make in child rearing is thinking if you love your kid enough, you don't have to discipline them. God's the same way. God's your Father. He loves you. And because He loves you, let me tell you something - He's going to take you to the woodshed. He's going to thump you.
So you look around at all these people that are out there sinning, sinning, sinning, sinning, sinning, and you're going, "How come there's no justice? How come they don't get their comeuppance?" They're not His kids. He's not going to discipline them. He's just going to let them die. When they die, they go to hell. There's an ultimate time to pay. Do you see that principle? That's really important.
When you get to Hebrews 11, you've got the hall of fame of faith. Then you go to chapter 12 and He says, "Listen, the ones that God loved, He disciplined and you ought to embrace that discipline and you ought to learn from that discipline." So if you're a Christian, you understand this principle. He loves you. He disciplined you.
Understanding Love in Marriage
If you're married, now we're dealing with lust and love. If you're married, you've got to understand this idea that love is primarily a commitment from which feelings flow. If you reverse that process, you got problems.
I'm going to tell you something here. This is for your own advice as you counsel others, because you'll run into people who say, "I don't love my spouse anymore." Tell me what you mean. "Well, I don't love them anymore." Well, what does that mean? "Well, they don't make me tingle. I don't feel like I'm not in love with them. I was in love with them."
A lot of times when they would come in and they'd be all yelling at each other and all that stuff, I'd say, "Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop," because I try to find common ground. I'd say, "Tell me how you met." Because usually there's something good there. "Tell me how you met. You just didn't wake up one morning and you were married." I used to say that all the time. One time, a guy said, "That's exactly what happened. I woke up in Vegas and this broad was next to me." So I threw that out.
Reversing the Process: From Feelings to Commitment
But generally speaking, you see how this works. When the feelings are gone, I'm going to tell you right now how to get those feelings back. And I guarantee they can come back. You understand the process.
Susan and me, I saw her. I had these feelings. I tingled. I was excited. I was stimulated. I saw her. So there were feelings. Then I acted on them. I went up and said, "Hey, want to go out and go to a movie? Want to go out and have fun? Want to go out and eat?" Then one day, June 1978, we stood and we made a commitment.
When the feelings are gone, you got to reverse the process. You start with the commitment. Every man in here could be married to a ten. All you got to do is look at your wife and say she's a ten.
So you start with a commitment. "I'm here, babe. I said better or worse. Never thought it was going to be this bad, but I said better or worse. And here we are. I'm here for you. There's nothing you're going to do to get me out of this. I love you. And I'm not just going to suck it up and endure it. I love you. I'm committed."
Now I act like it. Now I treat her like a ten. Now I treat him like a ten. Now I respond to him that way. And I'm telling you, what was the engine on the one end - the feelings were driving the action or the caboose was the commitment. Now you flip it. You do the commitment and the actions. Now the caboose comes - the feelings come back. Not this week. Maybe not in a month.
We have got a couple - these are my poster kids. They hated each other. They used to fantasize, and they'll tell you this, about the other one dying. How great it would be if she would only die.
I couldn't wait for him to die at the funeral. I'd be this sympathetic widow. I can't wait for him to die. If you saw him now, you would think that these two people have been in love all their life. They giggle. They laugh.
Here's what happened. She dug it. She wanted to leave him. She came to me and she said, "I want out." And I said, "Well, that's not an option." "Well, what do I do?" And I said, "Go home, feed him, make love to him." That's my answer to everything. That seemed to fix it—at least somebody's happy at that point. Somebody's smiling.
Go back, feed him. And that's what she did. She committed. And here's what happens. All of a sudden this guy says, "Wait a minute. Something's different here." What's the difference? Well, Jesus is in her life. He said, "Well, I want that too. I don't want her to have all the fun." Now you've got two people committed, loving the Lord. Bam, they come together. It's an incredible thing.
Don't Play with Fire in Marriage
If you're married, I'm telling you, don't be messing around. Don't be playing with fire. Don't be following your feelings. Don't be playing this non-dating, dating game at the office. Don't be running into this gal or this guy just kind of incidentally. And now you've got a conversation. And now, here you go.
Susan and I were watching TV the other day and here's what they said. The new hotbed for marital infidelity is the office. I've been saying this for 20 years. They're all excited because they got some new study. You don't need to study to figure this out.
If you're married, that's God's prescription. If you're single, here's what God says. And you're looking for a spouse, you want God's standard. Here you go: "Don't be yoked together with an unbeliever. What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? We're a temple of the living God. You're bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body."
God's Standards for Dating
If you're single and you start this dating process, you have to have standards. I'm going to confess to you something. There's a show I used to watch and I love this show—The Dating Game. I loved The Dating Game. I'd have it on in the background because I didn't care much about it, but there was a moment I always loved. It was the best moment of the show.
All of a sudden, Jim Lang would say, "Let's first meet the bachelors you didn't choose." I loved it. And then they'd come out and say, "Bachelor number one is a brain surgeon. He's a bodybuilder. He loves French cuisine. The people he admires most are Plato and Socrates. Meet bachelor number one." And this guy would come strutting out. And over he'd go.
"Now, here's another bachelor you didn't pick. You didn't pick bachelor number two. He's a corporate attorney who loves flying his own Learjet. He loves international cuisine. When asked who he admires most, Mozart and Churchill. Meet bachelor number two." And he'd come out.
Then he would say this—this is the best part of the whole show—"Let's meet the bachelor you did choose." And the whole audience would go, "Oh!" "Bachelor number three is a trainee at Circle K. He loves a double whopper with cheese. When asked who he admired most, he said Gilligan. Here's bachelor number three." And out would come this guy. I loved it. I just loved that moment. How do you pick them?
The World's Shallow Standards
Here you go. We have five minutes here. Here's a typical list, secular list, average person. Here's what they're looking for—five things. Number one: Do you turn me on? I love all these. In fact, I was watching some show a couple of months ago on what women really want in a date. And here's what they said: "Here's what we want more than anything else. We want a guy with a sense of humor."
I would not have spent all my Friday nights alone if that were true. They're not looking for humor. Don't let them kid you. They're as into the flesh as you are, boys. They want a stud muffin. Here's the first thing: Does he turn me on?
Then you get into the whole thing. Is the job better? Do you have a house? Is there any debt? I'm thinking about this relationship here. Is that BMW leased? Is it paid for? You've got to tell me this. Any baggage? When I came to pick you up tonight, I thought I heard a little voice say, "Hi, Uncle Bill." Does that come with you? What do we got here? What are the other things that are in place here? And am I going to have to commit?
God's Standards for Relationships
So we're starting this relationship. Here's what you ought to be looking for in a guy or a gal. Do they share your faith? Do they love the Lord? Are they really Christians?
Three weeks from tomorrow night, my daughter Sarah gets married. And we'll stand there and I'll do the vows. And I'll say—and I do it every time at every wedding—you're going to swear here now: sickness and health, death do you part, better or worse. Do you understand that those vows anticipate sickness, health, and better and worse? It's going to happen. And that's what you're climbing into here.
And I'm telling you, all of you know this. Any of you that have lived for any length of time, you know that even in here, you love, love, love—"love will keep us together. Nothing can separate us. We love each other. We'll do anything." And now you're into this thing and all of a sudden stuff comes that you never anticipated. And what's going to power you through there is not just your commitment to the other person, but your commitment to the Lord.
Two Essential Questions
So if you're—and if you're married, you need to listen to this because the single guys and gals are going to come to you for advice. So the first thing is: Does this person share your faith? And when I say share your faith, I just don't mean they go, "Yeah, I'm a Christian." I mean, are they growing in your faith?
Here's the second thing: Are you free to commit and are they free to commit? Now, I'm very happy there's only three or four minutes left because it gets dicey here. You're running around a world where you got all these divorced people.
Is that person biblically free to remarry? Is the divorce that they experienced a biblical divorce? The last thing you want to do is start a relationship with somebody who in fact in God's eyes and biblically is still married to somebody else. So are there biblical grounds for this? Was there sexual immorality involved?
Just to say he was abusive to me verbally is not a reason for divorce. She didn't meet my needs. None of them do. That's not a reason for divorce. The scripture is very, very clear on this.
Can You Submit to This Person?
Now, can you see yourself with this person forever? I talk about this all the time. The scripture is clear. Wives submit to your husbands. Here's what that says. If you're dating this guy and you're going to marry him and you're going to have a biblical marriage, a biblical life, you have to submit to this guy. Is he a guy you can submit to?
I'm just telling you, if you're dating this guy and you're standing at Fuddruckers and the line is going out the door because he can't figure out whether to get a double cheeseburger or a chicken, dump the guy. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with this guy. You don't want to submit to this guy. If he can't figure out navy slacks or gray slacks, you have to follow this guy.
Husbands love your wives. I'm going to tell you a great story. I am really, really non-confrontational. I may be harsh in the front, but you get me alone, I'm a wuss. I'm doing this premarital thing. God spare me, I don't do it anymore. It's the only time I've ever done this, this is so uncharacteristic.
A Premarital Counseling Disaster
This gal was driving me nuts in this premarital. She was canceling meetings, canceling appointments, she was awful. She was absolutely awful. She canceled a meeting, then showed up, and they came in, and finally, here's what I said. I said, I can't do this anymore. I'm not going to marry you.
She started to cry. I said, you know what, save it. I mean like that, she stopped crying. That should have scared this guy to death. I said, let me tell you something, I've had it with you. You are the most selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed person I've ever been around in my life. I've never been treated the way you treat me. No man on earth should be harnessed with you. I said, listen, the Kleenex are down the hall, go get the Kleenex if you want them.
Because I wanted to talk to this guy, and I said to this guy, what are you thinking? Now, you know what he's thinking, because I'm going to fill in the gap. She was beautiful. She had this olive skin, and these brown eyes, and this perfect hair, and this perfect little moon unit, Zappa body, and she was unbelievable. She was unbelievable.
I said to her, pal, what are you doing? You're nuts. Here's what he said. Have you ever looked in her eyes? I said, yeah. I know what you're thinking. I know exactly what you're thinking. Every guy on the planet, if he saw her at Fashion Square, Circle K, anywhere, every guy on the planet's going to fall in love with her. But the minute you're with her, she's awful. She's terrible. She's so selfish.
The Hard Truth About Beauty and Character
I said, let me tell you. I can't say this because she's going to be back here in 30 seconds, although I don't mind saying it in front of her, but I said, you have to understand something here. I'm telling you two things. I know what you're thinking. Everybody's going to look at you, and she's a trophy, and they're going to think you're a little stud because you got her, and you're thinking the sex is going to be great, and I'm telling you, it's not. She's too selfish to have good sex. It's going to be awful. This is hell. Run from this thing as fast as you can.
I know you want to know how it ended. They went down. Well, I just said, there's no way. I don't care. You can cry buckets of tears. I wouldn't marry you. I wouldn't recommend you marry her. I wouldn't give you another name to marry you. If somebody called me, I wouldn't let them marry you, and so they went away and got married down in Tucson, so that's exactly what happens. That's what you would expect. These are God's standards now for a relationship.
The Biblical Standard for Beauty
So what's the solution? Well, it's 1 Peter 3, and that is, Peter's saying, listen, and we talk about beauty is only skin deep. What Peter's saying is, look, don't get swayed with the braids and the curls and the outside. There is an inner gentleness, and there's a peace in their love, and that's what I'm to strive for.
Demonstration number three is to confuse lust and love. By the way, and I want to emphasize this, I have no problems with feelings. Feelings are great, but these feelings flow from the love. If your relationship, and I don't care what it is, you fill in the blank. If your relationship with work, here you go. If you only went to work on the days you felt like going to work, if you only exercised on the day you felt like exercising, if you were just driven by feelings, you're up and down. It's erratic.
Love Is a Commitment
It's a commitment. Love is a commitment. Love is a commitment where sometimes I'm driven more by the commitment than the feelings, but I'll tell you this. The feelings will come, and the feelings should be there, and you should be committed to your Lord and in love with your Lord. There should be moments when you're overwhelmed by the love of God. I don't mean His love for you, although that's the overwhelming love. I mean your love for Him.
Don't confuse these two. Don't be like just blowing in the wind. These are all hearted. All of a sudden, you're just being controlled by your feelings, controlled by commitment. Next week, Don't Mistake, number four.
Father, thank You for these truths. Thanks for Samson, for what he teaches us. God use this in our life. We pray in Jesus' name, amen. Have a great week. We'll see you next week.