Taming the Tongue

Tom Shrader teaches from Ephesians 4:29, breaking the verse into four qualities of godly speech: positive, constructive, perceptive, and effective. He illustrates through personal stories how words carry the power of life and death, and challenges listeners to become intentional, laser-focused listeners who speak according to the real needs of others. Rooting the call in Ephesians 4:30-32, Shrader argues that taming the tongue is ultimately a spiritual issue made possible not by human effort but by the transforming work of the Holy Spirit.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue — you have the power in your tongue to put wind in people's sails.”

— Tom Shrader

Series: Scottsdale Bible Church

Recorded: 2017 at Scottsdale Bible Church

Duration: 35 min

Themes: taming the tongue, words, speech, communication, listening, encouragement, self-control, Holy Spirit, struggling with anger, navigating conflict, hurtful words, parent, mentor, husband, new believer, young adult

Scripture: James 3:8, Ephesians 4:29, Ephesians 4:30-32, Proverbs 18:21, 1 Corinthians 8:1, 1 Corinthians 13:1-7, 2 Corinthians 5:14

Theological Themes: sanctification, becoming holy, pneumatology, work of the Holy Spirit, biblical ethics, spiritual transformation, scripture application, practical theology

Full Transcript

Introduction

Thank you, and good morning. It is great to see you this morning. I am glad you are here. It is summertime, and as I was walking around the room greeting people and asking how the summer was going, I got a rude awakening Friday. Out in Gilbert, the Chandler schools start school this week. The summer blew by. Here is what is really significant: six weeks from yesterday, Iowa football starts, so we are ready for that, ready for the football season.

I am honored to be here. I love to come to SBC. There is nowhere I go, including my own church, that makes me feel as welcome as you do here. I love to come and visit, to see old friends, and to make new friends, so thank you for that.

The challenge is always to come up with what we are going to talk about. Today I decided to go very practical — that is not to say it is not doctrinal, but it seems like often you hear a message, you take notes, and you wonder what you do with those notes and whether you can ever use the material. We are going to talk about something today that you can use by the time you get to the parking lot.

Taming the Tongue

The title today is Taming the Tongue. Now, those of you who know me, especially a few years ago, might agree that I am not the most likely person to teach this message. My tongue was pretty fast. This will give you an idea — it was not that long ago, but I went through a phase where I had my hair longer. It was down on my shoulders and a third of the way down my back, and it was a source of frustration for people. I look back on the pictures and I do not know what I was thinking.

One day I was walking into church and there was a man I had never seen before. He looked at me, I looked at him, he got this smirk on his face, and he said to me, "If I give you twenty bucks, will you cut your hair?" I looked him up and down and said, "If I give you twenty bucks, will you join a gym?" That was the way it was with me. But this issue is not unique to me.

James chapter 3, verse 8 says, "But no one can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil and full of deadly poison." No one can tame the tongue. So I go back to the title — Taming the Tongue. Am I asking you to do something that is impossible? The answer is no. No one on their own can tame the tongue. No one naturally can tame the tongue. But we do not live naturally — we live supernaturally.

If you have your Bibles, open them to Ephesians chapter 4, verse 29. There is an insert with an outline of four points from this verse. I will read it from the NIV: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that they may benefit those who listen." This verse is about communication and the tongue, and I see four points in it. They are very similar, they build on one another, and they overlap, but they build toward a conclusion.

Point One: Your Speech Is Positive

The first point is this: your speech is positive. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth." Now, when Paul uses the word unwholesome here, he is not only referring to crude language, vulgarity, and profanity — though it clearly includes that.

When God saved me in 1980, I had a very foul mouth. I had a word that was my very favorite word — a utilitarian word I could work into almost every sentence. One day, years later, we were negotiating a deal. I had been a Christian for five or six years at that point. I had not made a decision to quit swearing; it had just gradually changed, unbeknownst to me, over time.

So we were in this negotiation, and the man across the table was trying to make a point. What I discovered was that my old favorite word was his favorite word — except I thought I was good at it, and he was far better. He could use it as a noun, a verb, and an adjective. We were in the middle of this negotiation and he just let it fly. Then he said, "Pardon my French."

I learned two things at that moment. Number one, I learned I am bilingual — I did not know I spoke French, but apparently I know one word of it. But the second thing, and most importantly, is that God had changed me, and that was now my reputation. When he said "Pardon my French," he was acknowledging — perhaps unconsciously — that there was something different about me. My tongue was beginning to be tamed, not by me, but by the Holy Spirit in me.

The word translated unwholesome could also be rendered rotten. Think of a piece of fruit. We used to have in our backyard the most prolific tangerine tree. It was a decorative tangerine tree — why you would have a decorative one, I do not know — but it produced thousands of tangerines. It was impossible, at least for me, to keep it clean. One day the kids were out in the backyard nearly knee-deep in leaves and debris and I thought I ought to do something about it.

So I went out, and there was that tangerine smell, and I started cleaning up. I reached down to pick up a pile of leaves, and there were rotten tangerines in there, just dripping through my fingers. That is this word. Do not let your speech be like that.

The Power of the Tongue

Our speech is to be constructive. The point is not simply to blow smoke at people or offer empty flattery, but to be genuinely constructive. James says, in James chapter 3 — the longest contiguous passage in the Scriptures on the tongue — that just like the rudder is a small part of the ship but controls the whole ship, so it is with the tongue. Just like fire can be a small thing we use to warm ourselves or cook, it can also, as we know here in Arizona this time of year, be out of control and destructive.

Proverbs chapter 18, verse 21 tells us, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." That is the power you have. I want to illustrate this in two ways: the power of death, and the power of life.

The Power of Death: Miss Julie

With school starting, I have a granddaughter named Harmony who starts kindergarten in two weeks, which will be an interesting experience for everyone. It reminded me of when I was in kindergarten. My kindergarten teacher was a person by the name of Miss Julie. We had a small room — about the size of the extension of the platform here — with four or five rectangular tables arranged in a kind of V, and Miss Julie was at the front. Miss Julie was in control.

One day we were coloring a picture of two kids playing in the snow. We were to color it and turn it in, so I colored it and turned it in, and we moved on to the next task. All of a sudden, Miss Julie said, "Everybody look up here." She held the picture up and said, "Who colored this?" It was mine. I said, "I did." She said, "You're Tom?" I said yes. And she said, "Everybody look at this. Tom colored this. See how he has one kid in an orange snowsuit and the other in a red snowsuit. Don't you ever, ever, ever put red and orange together. Ever."

That was 62 years ago, and it is as fresh as yesterday. I have lost track of Miss Julie. I presume by now she is in hell, eternally chained to a kid in an orange snowsuit and a red one. I don't want to blame my whole life on Miss Julie, but that thing has stuck in my mind. Those of you who are parents, if you are telling your child they are fat, dumb, and lazy, you need to understand you are going to get a fat, dumb, and lazy kid — or an unhealthy perfectionist overachiever.

The Power of Life: Strength Therapy

Conversely, consider the power of life. I am now in something called strength therapy, which is designed for people 60 and older. It begins with 15 minutes of aerobic activity — nothing strenuous, but it gets the heart rate going. The last 15 minutes are weight training, though that is deceptive. My shoulder is a bit weak, so I am working with nine pounds. In the middle is the stretching portion, which may be the most beneficial part.

We do one exercise called bird dog. You are down on your hands and knees, and you extend your left hand and your right leg, then alternate. It is all about balance, which is the big deal for older people. Every 19 seconds, an elder in this country goes to the emergency room as a result of a fall. Every 29 minutes, an elder dies as a result of a fall. So balance is enormously important, and the bird dog helps with that.

One day while we were doing the bird dog, our instructor Shelly said, "Everybody look at Tom. He's doing it perfectly." As she said it, I could feel that back leg extending even further. It is such a simple thing. I am 67 years old. But she literally spoke life into me. My speech is to be constructive, to build others up.

Speech Couched in Love

I would suggest that constructive speech ought to be couched in love. That is what Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 8:1 — that love builds up. And that classic passage on love, 1 Corinthians 13, tells us love is patient and love is kind. Verse 5 of 1 Corinthians 13 is the linchpin that holds the whole idea of love together: love does not seek its own.

Sandy was here last night, though she is not here today — once was enough for her. But I love Sandy, and we have been married five years now. Here is how I show her I love her: when I am not worried about me but worried about her, I am honoring her. In Eugene Peterson's paraphrase in The Message, 1 Corinthians chapter 13 reads: "Love doesn't give up. Love cares more for others than themselves. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut. Love doesn't have a swelled head. Love doesn't force itself on others. It isn't always me first." And verse 7: "Love puts up with anything, trusts God, always looks for the best, never looks back."

A Culture of Destructive Speech

This whole idea of speech is, I think, a comment on the culture we live in. Speech has become not constructive but destructive. I watch news shows — though I have almost eliminated them — and they are not really news shows. They are opinion shows. Sandy tells me to turn them off. I cannot hear very well anymore, so I have a set of TV ears that I use to keep the volume down while I still watch. But I cannot take it anymore.

The Power of Words to Build Up

Everything today obliterates rather than builds up — it tears down. You have the power in your tongue to put wind in people's sails. I don't mean this in a superficial way. Shelly had no idea, I don't think, what she was doing when she said, "Tom's doing it perfectly." It changed my attitude toward her, toward that stretch and exercise, toward that class.

Speech Must Be Perceptive

Here is the third thing: our tongue and our speech are to be perceptive. This is a point you might not have expected in a discussion on taming the tongue, but I think it is really important. It is a linchpin, right in the middle of the passage: "according to their needs." My instinct is to build you up according to what I think you need. But if I am going to build somebody up according to their needs, I am going to have to listen.

Last Christmas, Sandy gave me three books. I don't know why she gave me books — I don't like people to give me books. It's like clothes; I pick out my own stuff. Well, she gave me a book, and I couldn't help but think there must be some message in this. The name of the book is *The Listening Life*.

I didn't get very far — only the first paragraph of the introduction — but this is what it said: "Listening comes first. In this life, you listen even before you're aware of it. From within the womb, an unborn child is already listening to the voice of her parents. After her birth, she will spend the next months hearing the words they speak, whisper, sing to her, until one day she will start echoing those words, one imperfect syllable at a time." Then, skipping ahead, this sentence caught my attention from an overall perspective: "Hearing is an act of the senses. Listening is an act of the will. Disciples are walking listeners."

Hearing is passive. Listening is intentional — it is different.

Learning to Listen

It seems like every time I am here I am outlining all my physical problems, but my latest one is that I can't hear. The right ear is now essentially completely gone, and the left ear is at either forty or sixty percent — I couldn't hear the doctor when he was telling me what it was. I have an appointment with Dr. Lindsay Schreuer, and it looks like at the end of August I will have an implant that will help. In the meantime, I am learning what it feels like to be disconnected from the world around me. I walk through a room, someone starts talking, and I just try to fill in the blanks of what I think they are saying — I nod and do the best I can.

Sandy and I went out for our anniversary, and this is a perfect example of what I mean about listening. A delightful server came up and I heard her say, "Welcome to DC Steakhouse." Then she said something else, and I said, "I'll have an iced tea, kind of watered down with a lot of ice." She looked at me a bit strangely, said something to Sandy, and walked away. Sandy asked, "Did you hear her?" I said yes. She asked, "What did she say after the welcome?" I said I assumed she asked what we would like to drink — because that is what comes next. Here is how it actually went: "Welcome to DC Steakhouse. I understand it's your anniversary — happy anniversary." To which I responded, "I'll have an iced tea, watered down with a lot of ice." I could hear through the senses, but that is not the same as listening.

Becoming a Laser Listener

If I am going to build you up according to your needs, I need to become what I call a laser listener. I have seven doctors I see right now, and I have an appointment tomorrow morning with Lindsay. The Mayo Clinic did a study and discovered that within twenty-two seconds of a doctor asking "How are you doing?" he or she will interrupt the patient — and that has largely been my experience. Lindsay is unlike any other. She will say, "Mr. Schreuer, how are you doing?" and when I start talking, she locks in on my eyes. Her head bows. She laughs when something is funny. She could tell me almost anything, because she literally opens me up. I have deeper conversations with her about whatever we are there for, and the entire reason is that she is listening.

Here is the odd thing: the way we abuse this most is with the people we are closest to. People say, "Oh, they've been married so long they finish each other's sentences." But what if the other person was going to say something entirely different? We begin to assume we already know what someone is going to say, and so we stop truly listening.

How Our Devices Are Destroying Communication

These phones are destroying our ability to communicate one-on-one. I have developed a rather annoying habit of not taking mine with me, and it is not just a problem among young people. I was at a restaurant recently, waiting for someone, and there was a couple sitting nearby. He had to be seventy-five; she was about the same age. The entire time, both of them were on their phones. The only time they stopped was when the food came — because the one thing we do worse than listen is that we love to eat. They powered through their food, and the moment they were done, they were back on their phones. That is not communication. If I am going to have speech and interaction that builds people up according to their needs, it has to begin with genuinely listening to them.

The Effect of Our Words

The end result of speech that is positive and constructive is that it is effective. There is a benefit. Even if it has been a tough, confrontational discussion, you walk away edified. You benefit from it.

How are you in this conversation thing? How do people feel when they see you coming? When their phone buzzes and they pick it up and the caller ID has your name on it, and they have a decline and an accept button — which button are they pressing? Are you getting a lot of calls where it rings once and then goes to voicemail?

I have people in my life where I can see them coming and I think, "Oh my gosh — right now would be a good time to have a mild heart attack. Not a big one, but a mild one. Anything but talk to them." I have a friend who asked me, "Do you know so-and-so?" I said yes. He said, "Do you enjoy him?" I said, "Well, I'm not with him very often." And then he said this — and it's a great word picture — "When I'm done talking to him, I feel like a car that sat all night with the lights on. My battery is just drained."

When somebody is done talking to you, it ought to be the opposite — that thing is cranked and ready to go. My hero, Larry Wright, was that kind of person. Every time I was done talking to him, I was floating on cloud nine. I would call him — we didn't have caller ID in those days — and he'd answer, "Yellow." And everything got better. Even if I knew it was going to be a tough conversation, or I was coming to him with a problem, or he was coming to me with one, at the end of the day you were energized.

So your speech should be positive and constructive, perceptive, and effective.

Speech as a Spiritual Issue

Some of you might be saying at this point, "That's practical, but I expected something a little heavier on a Sunday morning." Let me tell you why I am talking about this: this is a spiritual issue. If you want to understand how you are doing spiritually, one of the big indicators is going to be your speech.

In a church like this — a solid Bible-teaching church — when somebody asks how you are doing spiritually, you will tend to say, "Well, I just read..." But I did not ask what you read. I asked how you are doing spiritually. Part of it is reading, but you can have all the head knowledge in the world and if your tongue is ripping apart your relationships, that matters. Whether you are a mom, a dad, or a child, are you showing respect? How are you doing with one another? This is a spiritual issue.

The Larger Context: Ephesians 4:29–32

Let me put this in the larger context of the passage, Ephesians 4:29–32. In verse 30, Paul says, "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption." Verse 31: "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." Live in peace with one another. Live in harmony. Bring civility into the world.

Then verse 32: "Be kind and compassionate to one another." If I stop right there, there is a sense in which I think, "I don't know that I can do that. I don't know that I can get rid of all the bitterness and rage and be compassionate." But look at that little phrase at the end of verse 32: "just as in Christ, God forgave you." Not because you deserved it. Not because you earned it.

Every time I have had the privilege of being here, I have used the phrase: God saved you in spite of you, not because of you. God did not save you because you are basically a good little girl or a good little boy. Next week I am speaking at a church and they assigned me the topic of total depravity. I feel better equipped to teach that topic than taming the tongue — but that is what we were. We forget this. We were totally depraved. We did not like God, we were not attracted to God, we were repulsed by God. But God reaches in and takes out our heart of stone and gives us a heart of flesh and draws us to Himself.

The Love That Compels Us

It is the love of Christ — 2 Corinthians 5:14 — that compels us. There should be a sense in which we look to the cross every day and understand that He died for us. And if that is too general, let us narrow it down: He died for you.

I heard a lady make the point that if you were the only person who had ever lived, Jesus would have died for you. I am not certain whether that is exactly so, but consider it this way: if you were the only person who had ever lived and Jesus died for you, then it would have had to be you who was driving the nails into His hands. As you were nailing them, He would be dying for the very person shoving the spear into His side. That is the love God has for you.

If He has forgiven you, what Paul is saying is that you now turn around and love and forgive others. And you can do this — not naturally, but supernaturally. The Spirit of God in your life produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. The taming of the tongue. It is a spiritual issue.

Putting It Into Practice

I hope you can see that you can put this to work in your life today. I am not talking about lying or blowing smoke at people. I am talking about consciously trying to bring wholesome talk that is constructive, customized to their needs, so that it will build them up.

Father, thank you for these truths. Put them to work in our lives. Use them. Use us. It is such a practical thing, but it literally gives us an opportunity hundreds of times each day.

The transcript provided appears to be only a closing prayer and introduction snippet — it doesn't contain the actual sermon content. Could you please provide the full sermon transcript? Once you share the complete text, I'll clean and format it into a polished blog post following all the rules you've outlined.