Sex, Communications, And Forgiveness

Tom Shrader addresses three key areas for healthy marriage: sexual intimacy, communication, and forgiveness. From 1 Corinthians 7, he teaches that sexual intimacy is a primary reason for marriage and that spouses should not deprive each other except by mutual consent for prayer. He emphasizes the importance of continuing to share dreams and communicate openly throughout marriage, and from Ephesians 4, he calls couples to forgive each other just as God has forgiven them, warning against the root of bitterness that destroys relationships.

“Godliness plus contentment equals great gain, and you can have all the godliness in the world according to this verse, but if there's not a sense of contentment, you'll never experience true gain in God's economy.”

— Tom Shrader

Series: Marriage (2002)

Recorded: 2002 at Cannon Beach Conference Center

Duration: 52 min

Themes: marriage, intimacy, communication, forgiveness, contentment, sexuality, relationships, bitterness, married couples, struggling marriages, communication problems, sexual difficulties, unforgiveness, bitter spouses, relationship conflict, marital discord

Scripture: 1 Timothy 6:6-10, 1 Corinthians 7, 1 Corinthians 7:1, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, 1 Corinthians 7:8, 1 Corinthians 7:9, 1 Corinthians 7:28, 1 Corinthians 7:37-38, Ephesians 4:29-32, Job

Theological Themes: biblical marriage, sexual ethics, ephesians, corinthians, marital intimacy, spiritual contentment, biblical forgiveness, sanctification

Full Transcript

Let's pray together tonight. Father, we thank you for the opportunity to be here and we pray tonight that as we look at your word and what you have for us God, we pray that you would use this time to bring honor and glory to yourself. Father, we pray that in Jesus name. Amen.

Well, good evening. It's good to see you. Hope that you had a good afternoon. We did. We had a chance to go out with Janet a little bit and she's building a new house. So we got a chance to get in and see her house, which was kind of cool. That was fun. Then I took a nap and Susan went shopping. So I got a feeling I was working out right at the time.

A Passage I Return to Again and Again

I want to finish up something I talked about this morning. Open your Bibles to 1st Timothy 6 and I'm going to give you this and then not spend hardly any time on it. I just want to make certain that this doesn't get away from us.

I imagine that everyone who teaches or has the opportunity to teach has a passage that they go to again and again and again. Obviously those for me would be revolving around the idea of the gospel. But there's a passage in 1st Timothy 6 that I go to every time I doubt. This is our third or fourth time at Cannon Beach. Each one has been a terrific time and I know each one that we've been here, we've talked about it. Every men's retreat I do, I talk about it. Every time I'm invited in if I have one opportunity to speak to a group of people who are indeed Christians, I talk about it. So why wouldn't we do this tonight? Let me spend just two or three minutes on it. I just want you to grab it because I think it's really important.

1st Timothy chapter 6, verse 6 and I mentioned it this morning: "Godliness is actually a means of great gain when it's accompanied by contentment. For we brought nothing into the world so we can't take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with those we shall be content." You get the sense that what Paul's talking about here is contentment.

He goes on to really write one of the verses that's so familiar and so popular that I've even seen it on a Jeopardy question, and that's verse 10: "For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith." Paul's talking about contentment. That's obviously what he's talking about.

A Culture That Thrives on Discontentment

I just want to make a pitch for that in the sense that you live in a culture that not only is discontent, but it thrives on making you discontent. About two years ago, maybe three years ago now, RadioShack ran an ad and the tagline was "we have thousands of things you never knew you needed." Not things you wanted—these things you really need. Like if you don't have a global positioning satellite to get you from the bathroom to the bedroom, you may not make it. It's that kind of a deal. Well, you need to get this.

In a world where I see this most—and let's see if this rings true for you—probably the biggest battles, although the most visible battles, would be with your kids. You see how the kids so often are just prone to whatever the newest shoe is or the newest gimmick is or the newest play game is or whatever it might be. Now you need to know that they learn that from you. But it's easier to identify in them and you try to tell them money's more than—you know, life's more than money. It's more important than all these things. You need to be satisfied with what God's given you. Well that indeed is true.

I think you fight this all through your life and most people that I know in their core are discontent. They're discontent with all the things that we talk about in a normal sense—the material things. Most people are discontent with the spouse God's given them. Many people are discontent with the children God's given them.

The Tragedy of Comparing Our Children

I mean, it's one of the most saddest things that I get to watch when I'm out. This is my favorite story: my girls were cheerleaders and so I'm the only guy at a ballgame saying somebody take a timeout so we can see a cheer. Not enough of this game, let's see a cheer.

We're at a game. Score is 34 to 4 at half and it's not the game that I'm there to see—I'm waiting for the girls. The final score this game is 64 to 4. We're walking to the car and I hear this guy say to his son, "That Billy—this is another kid on their team—that Billy can really run. That Billy can really jump. Boy, can Billy play defense. Man, Billy can really pass. Billy's like a coach on the floor." What this kid is hearing is "I wish you were Billy."

Now I believe children ought to obey their parents, but this is one time when I'd love to hear that kid say, "You know what, dad? That Billy really can shoot and that Billy really can dribble and that Billy really can pass and that Billy really can play defense and that Billy really is like a coach in the floor. You know why, dad? You know why, dad? Because he's got his dad's genes, not yours. That's the problem. The apple didn't fall far from the tree, dad."

The Root Issue: Pride

I think a lot of people are discontent with their kids. I'll tell you what the core of all this is and we got to go on because we can't spend a lot. It's pride. That's all that is. It's just pride.

Look, I'll be honest rather than go for you. I'll be honest. I wish my girls were kind of a cross of Madame Curie and Elizabeth Elliott and Cindy Crawford—an interesting combination there, but I'm pulling names out of my head. You know why? I'll tell you why: so that when they walked in the room and they began to speak, you would look at Him and say, "They must have one heck of a dad."

See, so often we want them to succeed not only because we want them to succeed—we want it for our own good. My son-in-law has a really good friend who came into the major leagues at the end of the year and He was up there—

The Key to Contentment

For the last three weeks of the season he hit almost .500 in the time. He was up there and stole three or four bases, and his dad has been on him saying, "How can you go three for four or five? Why would you not go five for five?"

Enough of that. Here's the key to contentment. You see it in verse 6: "Godliness plus contentment is great gain." It's in the form of an equation. Here's my pitch: godliness plus contentment equals great gain. If it's in the form of an equation, we may say that the godliness is more important than the contentment, but both are essential if we're to get to great gain in God's economy.

So you can have all the godliness in the world according to this verse, but if there's not a sense of contentment—now, I happen to believe that true godliness produces contentment. That's what this is. Godliness plus contentment equals great gain. We came into the world with nothing. If we have food and covering, with those we should be content.

I'm telling you, for years I taught this verse, and this passage in verse 7 drove me nuts. Verse 7 doesn't fit. Verse 7 breaks the flow. If I were writing this, it would say godliness plus contentment equals great gain, skip verse 7. Who cares what you came in or left with? If I have food and covering, with those I should be content. Wouldn't you agree with me that it reads better that way? Say yes. Yes, it does.

Now here's the problem: God wrote this thing, so we know verse 7 has to be there. And it bugged me for years why verse 7 was there until one day, standing at Forrest's home on this side of the platform with these words on the screen, I saw it.

Understanding Why We Can Be Content

Verse 7 has to be there because you'll never be content unless you understand verse 7. That's why verse 7 is there. He can talk to you about contentment until you are blue and bored, but it isn't going to make any difference if you don't understand you came in with nothing and you leave with nothing. You came in with nothing; you leave with nothing. So contentment's a pretty easy deal.

Remember we looked at Job last night. Everything's gone. Everything's taken away. What's he saying? "God gave it to me. God took it away. Praise the Lord."

So that's the kind of the closer of what we looked at this morning when we were talking about this whole idea of expectations—expectations in the relationship. It's beyond that. It's expectation in life. You need to be a person who's content. And as Christians, we probably are the only ones who truly have the capacity to be content in this life.

Marriage Requires Unselfishness

Here's the third one as we're working our way through the things I say in a marriage ceremony: marriage requires unselfishness. Listen to these words from 1 Corinthians 7: "The husband shall fulfill his marital duties to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone, but also to the husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you."

Though this passage speaks primarily of sexual intimacy, the application touches all areas of marriage. You are to become one. You are to set aside the concerns about your rights and to be concerned about meeting the needs and the wants of your mate.

Open your Bibles to 1 Corinthians 7 if you would, and we're going to look just briefly at this area of the sexual part of marriage.

Sex Is Good

Sex is good. Do I hear an amen? Amen, brother. Preach it, brother. Now, it's interesting to me that all the amens came like this: "Amen." I didn't hear "Amen!" I never hear that, but that's okay. We're working you into this. You're going to be there before long.

There is a story that I read years ago about a Puritan church. This is back around the time of Jonathan Edwards—from the 1750s, the time of Jonathan Edwards—where the church performed church discipline on one of the men because he was not having sexual relationships with his wife. Now that's my kind of Puritan-type church right there, isn't it? Doesn't that blow some of the stereotypes away?

Why is this issue of sexuality so important? Well, one of the reasons is because it is the most intimate act you can possibly have on earth. There you lie without any clothes on, absolutely naked and vulnerable with this other person.

A Primary Reason for Marriage

Now I believe that one of the primary reasons to marry—now those of you who are stuck up on language would understand this sentence is not good because you can only have a primary reason, but every time I say primary reason in this I get in trouble—so I say one of the chief reasons to marry is sex.

You have it in front of you there. Look at 1 Corinthians chapter 7, verse 1, and I'm going to read from the New Living Translation, and you have yours in front of you: "Now about the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to live a celibate life."

Verse 8: "Now I say to those who aren't married and to widows, it's better to stay unmarried just as I am."

Verse 38: "So the person who marries does well, but the person who doesn't marry does even better."

The Apostle doesn't stutter here in verse 1 and verse 8 and verse 38. He says celibacy is the best. Singleness is the best, while marriage is fine. "I would that you were like me and that you were single."

Why Get Married If Singleness Is Better?

So why, if singleness is better than marriage, why would you get married? Here you go, verse 9: "But if you can't control yourselves, go ahead and marry. It's better to marry than to burn."

He's saying if you can't live a life happily and serve the Lord effectively because your life is dominated by this idea of unfulfilled sexual passion—and this was really true in Corinth. Corinth was despicable, and that's who he's writing to, the church. Despicably wicked, wicked city. He says it's better for you to go ahead and marry.

Verse 37: "But if he has decided not to marry, and there is no urgency, if he can..."

The Purpose of Marriage

Paul says, "Listen, here's why I'm writing to you and talking about this very issue. I'm trying to save you from trouble." Paul says, "I'm writing to you. I'm telling you not to marry," but look at verse 28: "But if you do get married, it's not a sin. If a young woman gets married, it's not a sin. However, I'm trying to spare you the extra problems that come with marriage."

When he uses that word "trouble" there, translated "trouble," that means "to press together" or "under pressure." One author writes, "Marriage can involve conflicts, demands, difficulties, adjustments that singleness does not, because it presses two fallen people into an intimate life that leads to inevitable trouble. The troubles of singleness may be exceeded by the conflicts of marriage." That's what he's talking about here.

So Paul says it's better to be single. But if you're going to marry, he said here's one of the chief reasons: it's the sexual aspect of it all.

The Reality of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

Here's my observation: we have churches that are filled with celibate marriages and sexually active singles. It is not unusual for a couple to come in to talk to our people who handle counseling and say, "We haven't been intimate in years."

I think that's a direct denial of God's Word. God says this in His Word you've got in front of you there, First Corinthians chapter 7. He says, "But a wife"—verse 3—"Let the husband fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and the wife to the husband. The wife doesn't have authority over her body. The husband doesn't have authority over his"—verse 5—"Stop depriving one another." He's talking about sexual intimacy here, "except by mutual agreement for a time that you might devote yourself to prayer and come together again, lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

Look how the whole thing closes. Paul's saying here's one of the main reasons to marry: because you burn with passion. Now you get into this marriage and you're going to get celibate? You're in a dangerous position because you acknowledged going into this you're vulnerable in this area.

Biblical Guidelines for Intimacy

Here's what I think the scripture says. The scripture says there are times when our duty, especially prayerful duty in our service to the Lord, is so overwhelming that by mutual consent we agree. We say, "You know what? We're going to set this time aside. Maybe it's an extra time of fasting and prayer and devotion and all these other things. But we are setting the date at which we'll come together again."

I really make this pitch to you. I think there is—generally speaking, and we say generally speaking because it's generally true—I think it's generally true that if there's a vibrant sexual intimacy between a husband and wife, that marriage is in an extraordinarily healthy position.

I'll just make this pitch and then we'll go on. I'll just make this pitch, ladies. I'm telling you, generally speaking, you're the key to this thing. He's in the mood. He's ready to go. And ladies, I encourage you—and it may sound awkward and it may even make you feel kind of weird—I encourage you to talk to him about this. I encourage you to dialogue about this.

I'm not going to do a how-to thing right here, although Susan would certainly enjoy watching that, I'm sure. She's laughing in the back, but it would be one of those things where she would say, "Those who can't, teach." That's what she would say. I don't believe that, by the way. But I'm telling you, ladies, I think you hold the key to this thing, and I will tell you your relationship will skyrocket when that intimacy is there.

I have no idea when this goes away. It's somewhere after 52 and a half, I can tell you that. I had a friend who was at UCLA, and they had a professor there who taught one class a year. Great old guy, was 80 years old, and he teaches a sociology class. One day this topic came up in class, and one of the students asked him, "At what point does a man lose his sex drive?" And he said, "Somewhere after 80." And that's where it is. I'm going to let that go.

Continue to Share Your Dreams

But I want you to really take a look at this, and it ties into the fourth thing I tell them: Continue to share your dreams. To this point in your relationship—again, make sure it's me talking to the people—continue to, at this point in the relationship, you've communicated openly, honestly, and regularly with one another. Don't stop now.

Communication is the key to successful marriage. You must continue to listen to one another as you share your thoughts, dreams, ideas, and feelings.

I've got a great insight on this. When Haley and Tyler were dating, they were dating and they were moving along pretty well. I thought they were perfect for one another, and I saw it really before either one of them did. Then they kind of came together, and Tyler came in and wanted to talk to Susan and me about marrying Haley. I told them that we just needed to talk about it. We just needed to talk for a while.

So we talked for a while, and finally it was there and it was decided they were going to get married. Tyler would hang around the house, and I remember one day Tyler had been there all day. We had eaten lunch and we ate dinner, and Ty and I are watching a ballgame. Then they're back and they're doing stuff, and he leaves.

About ten minutes later, I walked down to Haley's room. She's sitting, laying in bed on her cell phone. I said, "Who are you talking to?" And she said, "Tyler." I said, "You just talked to him all day. It's like this every day." And I said, "This has reached a point where the only way you're ever going to stop talking to this guy is to marry him. That'll stop it."

Marriage Communication Changes Over Time

Go ahead and marry the guy and we'll get our money back on the cell phone. But that is pretty much true, isn't it? When Susan and I were dating, I remember a couple times we drove down to Tucson. That's about an hour and forty-five minute drive, and I mean we would talk all the way down. We would talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.

Now we'll get in the car to Casa Grande, which is about forty-five or fifty minutes away. On the other side of that is a place called Picacho Peak. We'll get to about Casa Grande and I'll say, "I gotta go to the bathroom." "Do you want some coffee?" "No, I don't." "All right. I'll check in when we get there," and we go the rest of the way. That's kind of the way it is, and part of that is we have talked through a lot of our dreams and we've talked through a lot of things.

But I'll tell you what, our life has changed. Susan came in a little bit late tonight because we've been trying to get ahold of Sarah. Sarah's just working a boatload of hours - she's working sixteen or seventeen hours a day at the hospital. So Susan called her and caught her at church. She was at church tonight and came out, and she was talking about Tyler and Haley. They asked her to go up to Denver because Tyler's grandpa died yesterday to go up to Denver for the funeral. She said no, she doesn't really know what she said. "Well, Haley and I are going to go up for Christmas. Maybe you'd like to go at Christmas?" Sarah said, "Yeah, I'd rather go at Christmas than for the funeral." Great story.

There's one little problem here. What about us? What am I supposed to do? But the reality is, I hope they do go up there for Christmas and I hope they have a great time. I'm kidding about it.

The Best Season of Marriage

I mentioned to you the other day, and I wasn't kidding about this, I think the last three, four, or five months of our marriage has been the best it's ever been. I'm convinced the reason is Haley got married. When Haley got married, all of a sudden Susan and I devoted all our attention to one another again.

We had an incident about five or six years ago. I came in one day and there's water leaking in the roof. Susan said there's water leaking. I said, "I can see that. We better get up there and check that out." So we went through this whole process. We got a guy in and he said, "You got a leak." I said, "Well, I don't need a consultant for that." He said, "You got some options. We can patch it, we can patch the section, or we can put on a new roof." I said, "What do you suggest?"

Here's what he asked - this is a terrific question: "How long you going to live here?" I said, "I don't know how long we're going to live here. Susan?" She said, "I don't know." It was a great moment because it forced us to talk about something we hadn't really talked about or thought about.

The Importance of Communication

This communication thing is a gigantic deal. Gary Smalley, who's contributed some great positive things in this area of relationships, says this - and I had no idea, I don't know who figures this stuff out - that men speak about 10,000 words a day and women speak about 25,000 words a day. I don't know if that's true or not. I know this: by the time I get home, I'm pretty well spent. My 10,000 is up pretty quick and Susan's ready to talk. I have discovered that if we just talk, she's got some great insights into stuff.

Let me encourage you - if I was going to give advice to a couple who were just getting married, I would really encourage those who've been married a while to continue to talk. There's a really neat couple here, Justin and Lindsey, last night back there. We're talking and they've been married thirteen months. They said one of the things that they decided to do early on was take weekends like this at least once a year to bring them back to those roots. That's a great idea and you need to do that.

But beyond that, you need to do it even more regularly than that, whether it's over a meal at a restaurant. You need to do something where you get rid of these kids if there are kids involved and get them out of the way, and you need to be involved this way.

Priorities in Marriage

I remember one time talking to the girls and I said, "How many people are in our family?" They said four. I said, "No, two. Me and your mom. You two are just passing through here. You're not going to be around." That's true.

I told Susan yesterday - and you do it too, you got the kids out of the way and all we talked about was the kids. "I wonder what the kids are doing. What do you think the kids are doing?" It's real interesting. Now we talked about that, but we're also talking. "I wonder what's going on at church. I wonder what our friends are doing. I wonder what this..." You gotta continue in this process of communication.

If I say the sexual part, the key is the gals. I'll say the communication part, the key is the guys. Guys, I'll flip it around. She's ready to talk. All you got to do is ask her. All you got to do is just say, "What do you think?" And you know what? Listen, I have a tendency to say, "What do you think?" and then if she's starting to tell me, I got to interrupt to let her know what she really thinks. What does she think?

The Fifth Thing: Forgiveness

Here's the fifth thing and this is the last thing for the night, and it's gigantic. Fifth: forgive each other. Every marriage, every relationship provides endless opportunities for forgiveness. In your marriage there will be mistakes, failures, even wrongs. Decide now that you will forgive each other.

Again, some advice from the Apostle Paul. I'm going to have you turn there - Ephesians chapter 4. Turn there, would you? Ephesians chapter 4. I'm speaking to them again, some advice from the Apostle Paul, verse 29: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful..."

for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander, malice along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another just as in Christ God forgave you.

Just as God has forgiven your sin not based on your deserving or earning that forgiveness, He based that on His grace and mercy. Decide now that you will forgive each other. I would guess this has got to be one of the greater issues in marriage, and that is forgiveness. With forgiveness comes extraordinary freedom, but you have to have the capacity to forgive.

A Late Night Call About Forgiveness

I get a call one night from this gal in our church, and she said, "Can you come over? It's about 1:15. Can you come over? My husband's in the house and he has a gun." I said, "Okay, I'm on my way over." I got over there and she said, "He's inside." I said, "I'm not worried about him. Where's the gun?" She said, "Now the police are in there. They've taken it away."

So she starts telling me all this stuff. I go in and the policemen are there and we're talking, and we try to get everybody settled down. I've got her sitting over here and him sitting over there, and the policemen said, "Do you think this is going to be okay?" They said, "Yeah, we're all right." I said, "All right," so she's there, he's there, and I said, "What's going on?"

So he's talking, she's talking, and she's just kind of talking along, and all of a sudden he just goes nuts on the other side of the room. I'm thinking, "Man, I must have dozed off or something. I didn't hear her say anything." I said, "Whoa, whoa, sit down here, bucko. What's the deal? Go through that again with me. Take me through this again." She said, "Well, it was this and then she said this," and boom, he went off.

What it was was a nothing deal, but she knew it was like she had a little remote-controlled machine. She could sit across the room and she knew to go "bop" on that button and set him off like a rocket ship. She had—it was an incident, something that she said she had forgiven long ago, but really never had forgiven.

Most relationships that we see that have problems go back to this. When you fundamentally sit down with them, one of the two will say, "Remember back in 1973," and then off they go.

The Progression of Unforgiveness

Do you see the progression there? You've got it in front of you. The verse, verse 31, He says this: "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander and malice be put away." Get rid of all of these things in the relationship.

Let me give you just brief definitions of those. When we look at bitterness, we're talking about this smoldering resentment. It's this thing that kind of sits inside there and just simmers. Wrath has to do with rage. It's the passion of a moment. It's that explosion that takes place. Anger—we're talking about internal. It's more of an internal hostility. Clamor is the outcry that comes from that. Internally I'm angry, now there's clamor. There's evil speaking that comes from clamor. Malice is this general term for all sorts of these issues.

It all starts with a root of bitterness. Something happens and you say it's no big deal, but you never let it go.

The Backyard Weed Illustration

A great illustration of this: Out in our backyard, I don't go out. I know you all are Northwest people, and Northwest people are outdoors people and all that stuff. It's a stereotype, but I guess it's true. I don't go out. We've got a nice backyard, nice big swimming pool, nice cabana back there. I'd probably go in the backyard twice a year max. I can't remember the last time I was in that pool. We just had the pool redone three or four years ago, and I know I haven't been in it since it was redone.

We've got a little piece of grass that we call a yard—it's not very big—and then behind that is this cabana. Then in back of that is this area that's about this wide, and it's rock. So the grass comes up to it. Here's some block. Here's some rock. Here's the wall to the alley.

I'm in the house one day and the girls come in and they say, "Have you been out behind the cabana lately?" I said, "No." I said, "Well, you ought to go look at that. That's kind of interesting back there." So I walk out there and here are these weeds. They are probably this high all through this thing.

So I thought, "Well, you know what? I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to pull these weeds." So I went in and changed clothes and I came out and I started to pull these weeds, and there was absolutely no way I'm pulling these weeds. I'm grabbing these weeds and they're just breaking off in my hand. I have no chance in the world of getting those weeds out. I can't possibly pull these weeds.

Getting to the Root

So I call the weed expert, and I said, "I need somebody to come out here." So he comes out and I said, "That's it out back. You can't miss it." He comes back in. He said, "You've got a problem." I said, "I've got a problem. It's weeds." He said, "Those roots are way down into the ground there, and we got to get them out. We're going to have to do something radical. We're going to have to take out all the rock and then the plastic that you lay down under the rock. We're going to take all that out. We're going to have to scrape everything in there, kill everything in there, and then redo the process—put the plastic back down."

I said, "How did this happen? How can this happen? We got rocks. We got grass. We can't get anything to grow normally. It is dirt. We got this, we got plastic. How did this happen?"

He said, "Well, here's what happened. Over the course of the year, kids and people are walking on those rocks. When they walk on those rocks, they perforate the plastic. When the guy comes along to cut the grass, the clippings flip over into the rocks, and a few of these hardy clippings act as stolons. They're down under there. It's moist down under there. You get a rain and it's wet down under there and it stays down under there. And what they do is they grow."

all over down under there. They have this massive network, and then when it can't be contained anymore, they just come pouring out of that plastic. That's what you got all over there.

I said, "All right." He said, "What do you want me to do?" I said, "I don't know, but you just gave me a great illustration for Ephesians chapter 4 verse 31 - it's the root of bitterness." It's the thing that happens - it's not big enough to argue over, but it's not small enough to let go. It's that thing that kind of flips into your heart. That's what I see here.

I see a progression here. That's why you can see people and all of a sudden they explode and there's this giant argument, but it's got nothing to do with what's in front of them. It goes back way, way back because that root of bitterness is flipped into your heart. That action again - too small to fight over, too big to forgive.

The Progression of Unwholesome Words

Here's what He says. You see it there in verse 29: "Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth." That word unwholesome means literally no rotten or foul word. I want you to see the progression here - all of a sudden coming out of your mouth is this foul conversation. We don't mean here swearing and cursing. It's more about any word that's good for edification.

So what are the unwholesome rotten words? Those words that don't edify, they don't build up. The word is rotten. I'm going to give you an illustration you'll never forget.

We have in the back of our yard a fruit tree that produces - and I'm not lying to you - thousands of ornamental oranges. They're not oranges that you can eat; the key word is ornamental. We have thousands, and I'm not exaggerating. We got branches that just sag with hundreds of ornamental oranges.

The Rotten Orange Illustration

One day there's a bunch of oranges around there, leaves around, some other stuff. I said to Susan, "You ought to clean that up," and she said, "Why don't you help?" I said, "You know what? Okay, I'll try it." So I went out and I rake a bunch of these leaves together. I reach down and I start picking these leaves up and putting them in a bag.

I reach down way down in there, and I get this putrefying smell of a rotten orange. You know what they are. It literally is dripping down my forearm. That's the word that Paul uses here in Ephesians 4:29 - unwholesome. That's the word he uses - rotten. That's the word He's describing, that's the language.

If you can close your eyes and you want to get a picture of conversation that's not edifying, it's you opening your mouth and just rotten stuff dripping out. He says don't talk that way. I'm not into a lot of psychobabble, okay. I'm not into a lot of feel-good and all the other stuff, but I'll tell you what - what you say and the way you say it has an effect on people.

Three People Who Have Profound Effect

Let me show you this, then we'll close. I think of three people that have had a profound effect in your life. Three people - just get them in your mind. Don't say it out loud - three people.

When I think of three people that have had a profound effect on my life, I think of Susan, I think of Larry Wright, and I think of Miss Julie. Miss Julie was my kindergarten teacher. When I was home this August, I drove by my old grade school, went in. It's an office building now and went down the stairs to look into my old kindergarten room. It's a room about the size from post to post here, about this big.

I remember the day that we were in that kindergarten room. I had to be what, five, and I'm sitting at a table. We're passing some things. We've just been coloring. We've been coloring two kids playing in the snow. We passed them in, and I heard Miss Julie say, "Whose picture is this?" I turned around and it was mine.

The Kindergarten Memory That Lasted 47 Years

I thought, "How about this?" Age five and I'm about to get my first taste of public affirmation. This is a very good thing. So she said, "Everybody look up here. Everybody look at this picture. This - he's colored here. Everybody look up here. Y'all looking up here. Now, what's your name? Tom? All right, Tom colored this."

"Now I want you to notice something. Tom has these kids colored in a red snowsuit and orange mittens and a hat. Don't you ever, ever, ever put orange and red again together."

Now that was 47 years ago and I'm over it. Hardly remember it. I have no idea where Miss Julie is - one would assume dead and in hell. She's over there next to the guy with the red sweater and the orange pants. That's what I'd like. I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, but isn't that interesting? Isn't that interesting that 47 years ago and I remember that?

You don't think you've got the power to unleash things with your own hands? You've got the power to unleash things with this tongue. You don't think those little phrases you throw at your kids don't hurt? I know that some of the greatest damage I've done in my life has been with my tongue.

The Mills Brothers Song and Hurting Those We Love

There's an old Mills Brothers song - you know, the Mills Brothers? Y'all remember? Any of you remember the Mills Brothers? They had an old song that went like this: "You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn't hurt at all. You always take the sweetest rose and crush it to the petals fall. You always break the kindest heart with a hasty words you can't recall."

Now listen to this: "So if I broke your heart last night, it's because I love you most of all." How stupid is that? I love you, so I'll cream you. But it's the way it is. It's just the way it is, and I don't know why.

I don't know why I'll say things to Susan that I would never dream to say to you. I don't know why many of you are nicer to a rat - to a waitress in a restaurant - than you are to your own wife. I don't know. I know this: it destroys a relationship. It just buries a relationship.

The Heart of Forgiveness

There has to be in your heart a spirit of forgiving. Now I am assuming that the other person has done something wrong and doesn't deserve it. I don't forgive because the person deserves it. Do you see that there? It's in front of you in Ephesians chapter 4 verse 32: "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other just as God in Christ has forgiven you."

and say, "Well, he doesn't deserve it. Well, she doesn't deserve it." That's not the issue. The issue is you forgive because you've been forgiven for so much.

So when somebody offends you, I think you only have two options really. Either deal with it or stuff it and forget it. I'm a big "stuff it and forget it" person. I don't think you have a third option that says, "Well, I'm not going to deal with it. I'm not going to forget it. I'm going to let it sit here."

Letting Go of Baggage

This may be the weekend where you guys let go of some baggage that's been sitting there for years or decades. Something that's acted as a little thorn in the relationship, and it may be a big thing.

We have a couple in our church where this guy was involved in adultery. I believe that at that point the wife has an option of divorce. But what I don't believe is that divorce is mandatory, and I think the higher road, if possible, is to forgive.

I'm telling you, if I brought you into that church and I said you look around and you pick this couple out, you couldn't pick him out if I gave you a hundred guesses. Because she's forgiven, and it's been tough. I'll see her every once in a while. She'll say, "You know, it's a struggle, but he doesn't even know I'm struggling. It's my struggle, not his. I've forgiven him." It's inspirational to me to watch God work in a person's heart.

Grace and Forgiveness

Does he deserve it? No more than you deserved your forgiveness from the Lord. You remember you were saved by grace. You weren't saved on the basis of your merit. You think you were a good person? You were a sinner. "But I wasn't so bad." Here you go, let me help you out.

How many sins do I have to commit to be a sinner? Let's go with one. And technically the answer is none. Technically, it's none because you come in as sinner, but we'll go with one just to give you a chance to confirm what's already there. Do you deserve salvation? No.

I'm convinced that what skyrockets growth in an individual, in a church, in a body, in a marriage is when I understand who God is. I think it all comes back to this. I think we always come back to the doctrine. We always come back to the character of God.

Understanding Your Own Heart

You're sitting there and you're harboring this against this other person. Why don't you listen? Rather than try to figure out why did they do it, why don't you try to figure out why you don't forgive them? I'm not denying the hurt and pain. I know it hurts and I know it's painful.

I have people that are single that are divorced that'll say, "I may get married again, but I'm never going to love like I did before because I don't want to hurt like that again." Well, if you don't want to hurt like that again, and you hold that back, then you're never going to love like that again. You're never going to have the depth of what life is going to be.

This is not about you fixing people. This is about you being the man, the woman that God would have you be. You don't need to be the Holy Spirit. We already got one of those, and that Holy Spirit is working in that person's life. There's no reason you can't forgive except you won't forget.

The Reality of Marriage

That's what I say to them on the day of the wedding: you better decide now because I can tell you there's a lot of junk that's going to happen. And this isn't going to be the sweetest little thing in the world. I said at the beginning I don't believe one couple sits there the day they're getting married thinking, "Man, we're never going to have a problem." But in the back of their mind somehow they're acting like they're the exception to it. Yet they know what's real and there's this dichotomy, that's schizophrenia. And then the problems come and they're surprised by it.

Paul says I'm telling you I'm trying to save you trouble. Don't get married. Life is hard and it's twice as hard married. That's what he's saying.

The Power Within You

I want you to understand that you've got extraordinary power, and the power is not in yourself. It's because the Holy Spirit lives in you. There's the doctrine again. The Holy Spirit lives in you. He's the comforter. He's the helper. He's the encourager. He's the one that will allow you to do things beyond anything you ever dreamt.

Maybe this is the time this weekend when you need that long walk talk on the beach. Maybe this is the time when you need to go down there and you need to say, "Listen, we've screwed up a whole bunch of stuff and we're not talking and we've lost the dream and we've lost a little bit of the old enthusiasm, but we're going to draw a line in the sand right now. And that's it. It was October 6th at Cannon Beach when we started over again."

Maybe it's forgiveness and you got to take a long walk and say, "You know what? We've been messing around with this for a long time. This is it, and with God's grace we're never going to talk about it again. It's over."

Getting Help When Needed

If you can't get there, then I suggest you get home, you get your pastor and you get them involved in your life, and get this thing fixed up. My desire is that you walk out of here and people look at you and say, "You know what? We want to be just like them. We want our marriage to be just like that."

Tomorrow morning I want to talk about scripture and the importance of scripture, and then a little bit about kids. And I imagine that's grandkids as well too. So we'll talk about that tomorrow.

Father, help us see this truth. And God, thank You that You designed us to be creatures who have this desire to be intimate, not just in word and thought but physically. God, we thank You for that. We thank You for that physical desire You put in our heart. And God, I pray each couple here would allow that to be manifest in their marriage. God, I pray that we would communicate that as we talk with one another, that our dreams and our ideas and our feelings would grow.

And God, I pray that we would forgive. For those who are here tonight that are harboring bitterness, God, I pray that they would have a refreshed view of who You are, a reminder of how much You have forgiven them, now they can live a life...

That's kind. Well, those words are overpowering—tender-hearted. Oh God, let us be tender-hearted lovers. Lovers of our spouse or kids. Of those in our sphere of influence at the church, at work. God, let us be soft, tender people who love because You loved. Who forgive because we understand how much we've been forgiven.

God, we pray that to You tonight in Jesus' name. Amen.