Approach All Things With Realistic Expectations
Tom Shrader addresses married couples about approaching marriage with biblical realism, teaching from James 1:2-4 that trials are inevitable and designed for spiritual growth. He emphasizes that marriage vows are unconditional promises that anticipate difficulties, and that only God can meet all our needs. Shrader calls couples to define their expectations clearly and find contentment through understanding that this life is temporary while eternity is permanent.
“These promises you are making are unconditional, and they anticipate problems.”
— Tom Shrader
Series: Marriage (2002)
Recorded: 2002 at Cannon Beach Conference Center
Duration: 1 hr
Themes: marriage, expectations, trials, contentment, commitment, realism, growth, permanence, married couples, struggling marriage, unrealistic expectations, newlyweds, marriage difficulties, seeking contentment, anniversary celebration, relationship conflict
Scripture: James 1:2-4, John 14:1, John 14:16, John 14:27, John 15:18-20, John 16:7, John 16:33, Romans 8:28, 1 Timothy 6:6-8, Job 1:12-21, Hebrews 13:5, 2 Corinthians 5:17, 2 Corinthians 5:20
Theological Themes: sanctification, spiritual growth, biblical marriage, covenant relationship, perseverance, divine sovereignty, temporal vs eternal, christian maturity
Full Transcript
Welcome to this place and this time. We know that you have all of us here for a purpose and for a reason, that no one's here by accident, that we are here as part of your plan. God, we pray that all that we do and say this weekend brings honor and glory to you. Thank you that we can worship you through the gift of music. We can express the sentiment of our hearts and our love and care for you. We pray now that as we look at your word that you would teach us, that your spirit would help us see the truth that you have for us here this morning. God, we pray that to you in Jesus' name, amen.
Good morning. It is great to see you this morning. Hope you slept well. We were celebrating Janet's birthday, what a monumental event that is. She walked by and I was looking for one of those signs that I see around that says historic site.
Last night I met a couple who was celebrating their 28th wedding anniversary today. Why don't you stand, just introduce yourself so everybody can welcome you. Let's have the lady do the talking, that would be the best.
The Gift of a Mentor
Chris made a comment as she introduced her song about the idea of the permanence of marriage. God has been so good to me in my life and He has given me so much. Susan, as I said last night, is really beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Two extraordinary children and I know that's my view, but you just need to trust me, it's really accurate.
One of the things that God gave me that I prize more as a possession now, because the more I talk about it, the more I see how unique it was, is He gave me a mentor. I mentioned him last night, his name was Larry Wright. This is an extraordinary man. I'll give you a couple of websites in the course of the day, but this is one of them: discover-life.org. That's Larry's website.
It will be one year ago this Monday that Larry died. Totally unexpectedly, he was always sick and a sickly guy, but we always thought we would have an opportunity. I just figured it would be the cancer that would get him or the arthritis, but he got up, he was preparing to preach and just grabbed his chest and went down. I happened to be on the other side of town doing our service and I got a note at 11 o'clock. They came down for our 11 o'clock service and I was getting ready to go up and they gave me a note that said Larry had had a heart attack. I went in and called and they said we don't know exactly what it is and I finished the service. When I finished the service I got to my office and there were a group of people gathered there and I knew then we were in real serious trouble. Larry died before we ever got there. Larry was dead and that was good, that was gracious.
Never, Never, Never Get Divorced
Larry used to say, and I know of no couple who speak more clearly and no man who has a greater passion for the issue of marriage than Larry Wright. When you get on that website and you start to check some things out and you hear Larry's testimony, I'm telling you it's extraordinary.
Larry used to do this: he used to say Sue and I will never, never, never, never, never, never, never get divorced. He used to say that right before a break and then we'd take a break and I'd be out hanging around at the coffee or getting some tea or something to eat. I'd hear people say, "You know, he's your buddy isn't he?" And I'd say yeah, we're good friends and they said you ought to tell him not to say that because what he's doing here is he's really setting himself up for a big fall. He's really setting himself up so Satan's going to come and Satan's going to attack him and he's going to have a big fall. You ought to tell him not to do that.
Let me remind you, and I just blow those people off, but let me remind you that that's the same thing you said when you got married. That's exactly what you said. You stood in an environment like this, in a platform like this, and you stood up and said, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. It's the very same thing as saying we'll never, never, never, never, never, never, never get divorced.
Now, I'm not naive. I know when you have a demographic, you have this many people in a room, I know you have divorce, I know you have hurt, I know you have pain. My object today is not to throw guilt on you, in fact I'm not going to do that. I'm going to do the opposite. I'm going to give you hope. We can't worry about relationships you were in, we can only focus on the relationship you are in.
When We Get Squirrely With Scripture
Sometimes we get pretty squirrely in the way we take the word and apply it. This is a sad article, and yet, I've got to tell you, I laughed in the middle of it. A woman confesses after eight years and is arrested in slaying. This is from the Arizona Republic, this is our local paper. She killed her husband. She went in, she shot him. She's married the guy that she was having a long-term affair with, and they're now involved in Christian counseling.
Now, I know this isn't supposed to be funny, but I'm kind of a sick guy, I guess. In the middle of this, the report says this: Michelle said she and Nathan knew what they were doing was wrong as far as having an affair, but they didn't know how to cut it off. The report added, Michelle said she thought of divorce, but due to her Christian upbringing, it really wasn't an option. So, divorce is not an option, but she pops the guy and that's okay. I don't know exactly how that works out.
Well, divorce is not an option for us who love the Lord, and you may be involved in a marriage
Looking Back at Marriage
That's hurting, you may be involved in a marriage that maybe it isn't bad, but it isn't good, it's just there. We're going to tell you how to power through that. We're going to do this by having you look in the rearview mirror. Some of you suggested that you were here two years ago. We did a similar exercise then. I like to use this as the basis of our discussion. And that is just to look at a marriage ceremony.
The last wedding that I did was June 28th of this year, and it was my daughter Haley. It was a magnificent time. Susan did an extraordinary job in planning all the wedding, but there was something about that. We have two girls, 22 is Sarah, 20, now 21 is Haley.
Sarah, I would have assumed, would get married and do all that. Haley never really had a date. She just didn't date, and boys she always thought were kind of yucky, and I think she still does, to be honest with you. It was so funny, because Haley's the kind of kid that you would walk down the hall and you'd hear Haley on the phone giving dating advice to her girls, and I'd say, Haley, you've never had a date? She'd say, it's just common sense.
But I know Haley, and I one time heard of a boy that was on our campus, and I heard a lot about him, and I said, if this is the real deal, I've got to meet him, and I met him, and he was even better than advertised. As I spoke with him, he was perfect for Haley. You could just tell. And Haley was ideal for him.
A Powerful Team for Ministry
He has ministry written all over Him. She understands it. So I set Him up. That's what I did. And they are absolutely extraordinary together. They are a powerful team that all things, and I cannot, who knows what God's going to do. I would be shocked if they were not a powerful team that God uses to touch people all over our area, who knows, maybe beyond, extraordinary people.
Well, at the wedding, I did this ceremony, and obviously changed it a little bit and had a chance to personalize it a little bit. There was a moment, this moment makes me cry every time I talk about it. It was an extraordinary moment. We're at the end of this service, and I'm standing right there, and I'm getting ready to say, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you, Mr. and Mrs., and Haley turns to me and walks over, and gives me this great big hug. And it was like, at that moment, she knew everything was changing. It was a great moment. It was a great wedding. But it was just like yours, essentially. So I want to talk to you from that.
Starting with the Foundation of Faith
I'm going to do something this morning that I didn't do last night, and that is I'm going to start with the assumption that you're a Christian. I assume that in a room this size, again, not everyone is, but we're going to start with the assumption that you are a Christian.
One author writes this, speaking of the faith. Please note, salvation is God-given, God-driven, God-empowered, God-originated. It is a gift not from man to God, it is a gift from God to man. Grace is created by God and given to man. On the basis of this point alone, Christianity is set apart from any other religion in the world.
Every other approach to God is a bartering system. If I do this, God will do that. I am either saved by works that I do, or emotions that I experience, or knowledge that I know. By contrast, Christianity has no whiff of negotiation at all. Man is not the negotiator. Indeed, man has no grounds from which to negotiate.
So I hope you understand that salvation is an act of God. When God works in a person's life, things begin to change. It is very important to think this through, and I'm sure, this isn't earth-shattering stuff, you know this.
Why God Left You Here
If all God wanted to do was get you to heaven, then at the moment of your salvation, He would have taken you there, wouldn't He? If all God wanted to do was get you to heaven, then once you said, I believe Jesus, who He said He was, He'd take you there. But He left you here for a reason. He left you here for a purpose.
He left you here, though, not unchanged by that experience, and by that I don't just mean some emotional experience, although it may be very emotional, I mean the reality of understanding who you are and who God is. He left you here changed to do His work.
Paul writes this, you don't need to turn there. Paul writes this, 2 Corinthians 5, verse 17, "Therefore, if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature. The old things passed away. Behold, new things have come." Verse 20, "Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were entreating through us. We beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God."
Your Marriage as a Testimony
You are an ambassador for Christ. You live in a lost world, and one of the most powerful testimonies that you have to this lost world is your marriage. It's again alluding back to Chris' comments. Most people in the world feel exactly like that gentleman she was talking to, that marriage is an option, and you may want to exercise that option, but you always have the privilege to dispose of it. In fact, there's almost an assumption that you will.
Let me say it again. We are here, and marriage is permanent, and marriage is lifelong. Let me just take you through a ceremony. We're going to make two points this morning, a couple, two or three tonight, and then one tomorrow morning.
Marriage from the Beginning
Here's the first thing that I say at the beginning of a marriage ceremony. From the beginning of the human race, marriage has been an important part of our history. Marriage is inseparably linked to God's original acts of creation. After creating Adam, the Lord God said, it's not good for man to be alone. I'll make a helper suitable for Him.
So the Lord God caused man to fall into a deep sleep, and while He was sleeping, He took one of the man's ribs and closed the place up with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib that He had taken out of man, and He brought her to Him. And man said, "And for this reason a man will leave His father and mother, and be united with His wife, and the two become one."
So God has a plan for marriage. We're trying to figure out what should marriage be. It does not matter to me one lick what the citizens of the state of Oregon or Washington or Vermont or Hawaii say. I couldn't care less. What does God say? He's the one that created it. He says marriage is to be lifelong, heterosexual, monogamous. That's God's plan for marriage.
Let me give you some advice. I've got six things. We'll look at three of them this morning. These are absolutely critical things to understand. If you don't get these, you're constantly surprised and frustrated by marriage.
Marriage Promises Are Unconditional
Here's the first thing. These promises you are making are unconditional. In just a few moments, you will vow to have each other from this day forward, and to do it for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish as long as you both shall live. You're no longer two, but you become one flesh. And what God has joined together is inseparable.
Every time I read those vows, I am struck by the fact that they're unconditional. And they anticipate problems. Isn't that what it says? Let me read them to you again. Because it sounds to me like whoever writes these vows assumes that there's going to be issues. Better, worse, richer, poorer—although I can't imagine anybody leaving saying, "You know what, you're richer, I'm out of here. I didn't want that to happen." Vacations, no, I was looking for a poor guy. Better, worse, richer, poorer, sickness, health, to love and to cherish as long as you both shall live.
Here's what I want you to understand. The normal Christian life has in it hardship and difficulty. Would you open your Bibles to the book of James? We're just going to hop around today to James and John, the Gospel of John.
The Reality of Trials in Marriage and Life
James chapter 1. James describes himself, interestingly enough, as a bondservant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ. That introduction tells me that James is a humble man. I'll tell you why. James has a brother. Who's James' brother? Jesus. If I'm writing this, I'm saying, "Tom, you may not know me, but you might know my brother." I'll bet I'll get a good seat at the game. That's how I would write that. But he doesn't say that. He says a bondservant, that is a slave, of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ.
He's writing to these twelve tribes that are dispersed abroad. They're scattered. Scattered for a variety of reasons. It may be that the pain and the suffering and the persecution has become so intense that they simply disperse to get away from it. Some are scattered because they're following the command that Jesus gave them to go to Judea, Jerusalem, the outermost parts of the earth. They're out there. They're scattered. And they are hurting. They're suffering financially. They're suffering emotionally. They're probably lonely. There's all sorts of pain.
So here's what he says to them. He doesn't say, "Just think positive." He doesn't say, "Just suck it up." He doesn't say, "Oh, don't worry about it." Here's what he says: "Consider it all joy, my brother, when you encounter various trials." That's an odd thing to say. James begins by saying, "I want you to count this as all joy. You ought to be happy about this. Consider it all joy when you encounter various trials." One of the paraphrases says, "Welcome these trials as friendly intruders."
Understanding the Nature of Trials
The word trial there in the Greek connotes something or a trouble that breaks a pattern of peace and comfort and joy and happiness in your life. In the verb form, it means to put someone or something to the test. And the idea there is a proving ground. They used to take these automobiles out in the desert and they would test them. They had testing ground. But that's not any good, because a testing ground says maybe it'll work and maybe it won't. Have you noticed the subtle change? They now call them proving ground. In other words, we know this is going to work. We just want to prove it to everybody. There's a big difference here.
These are trials or troubles that break a pattern of peace and joy and comfort and happiness in your life. They put you to the test. James says this: "when you encounter various trials." There is a sense of inevitability here. James is saying, these babies are going to come. In this life, as an individual, and let me tell you something, as a couple, you're bound to have trials. This life is hard individually. It's harder married. And there's new challenges there.
Paul, even to ministry itself, I think sometimes this gets lost. Paul's very clear. He says it's better to be single than to be married. I think he means that. He's saying, because then I can really serve. Once I'm married, I have commitments and obligations. I have things that now come into my life that weren't there when I was single.
Jim Elliot, do any of you know that name? He was the missionary who, in the 50s, just became so famous. In his group, he was an extraordinary young man, graduated from Wheaton, ends up going down into South America, and on his first trip out to reach this lost group of Indians, he's killed, martyred for his faith. We probably know his wife better now, Elizabeth Elliot is her name.
Elliot tells a magnificent story of walking across campus. Jim Elliot was the big man on campus, and she just had a thing for Jim Elliot, but so did all the other girls, apparently. I can relate to this story. I guess that's why I go right to it. It's an easy thing for me to relate to.
So the yearbooks come out, and Elizabeth Elliot comes up and says, "Will you sign my yearbook?" And he said, "Sure," you know, "Jim to Elizabeth, 2 Timothy 2:4." So she goes, "Wow, 2 Timothy, this is incredible. He's giving me a Bible verse, he must think I'm something special." She said, "I don't know what the verse is." She went home and looked it up. It says, "No soldier in active duty entangles themselves in the affairs of everyday life." In other words, leave me alone.
The Wisdom of Jim Elliot
I'll recommend a book to you. I'll recommend a lot of books. By the way, that Charles Barkley book's pretty good. I'll recommend a lot of books to you. I know they don't have that down in the bookstore. But one of them is a book called Shadow of the Almighty, and this is Jim Elliot's diary and letters written to Elizabeth Elliot. We have young men on our staff at church, we have one young man who has three copies of this, and he just leaves it around—one at church, one at work, and one that he tries to have in his car with him, and constantly reading this. And these are extraordinary insights from Jim Elliot.
At age 21 or 22, he writes about getting married, and he said, "With marriage comes Peter the pumpkin eater's proverbial dilemma: you must find a place to keep her." And then he starts to list these things. You know, with a wife comes a house, with a house comes a garage, with a garage you get tools, and all that goes with it. And then he has this marvelous line. It says this, and this runs contrary to the way you think: "Needs multiply as they're met." And he's exactly right.
Needs Multiply as They're Met
In other words, I get a car, I see this car, it's a great car, I love this car, all of a sudden I've got to find a place to park it. All of a sudden I've got to change oil. All of a sudden I've got insurance.
It's been very interesting now, because our girls are pretty much—I'm done with Haley, she's gone, and I mean that financially, although I have a sense I'm still supporting her. I don't know why I get this sense, but I think we are. I think Susan's sneaking food to her, that's my call. And Sarah, Sarah graduated from school, and she graduated in nuclear medicine, and she works at the hospital there, so she has her little deal.
And so Sarah, all of a sudden the other day, both of them get it. Haley was driving this car, we said, "All right, you can have the car, the car's yours. Now, congratulations, here's the insurance bill that just came in this morning." And Sarah just got her insurance bill and her license stamp. Well, it's not just buy a car, it's all that comes with it. Really, this is a great principle of life: needs multiply as they're met. That's a great insight.
The Key to Counting Trials as Joy
James is saying, "Look, in this life, you're going to have these various trials, you're going to have these hardships, you're going to have these intrusions that come into your life. Count them as joy." I don't understand how you can say, "Praise God I've got cancer," or "Praise God my kid's on drugs," or "Thank God," whatever it is.
Here's the key, do you see the first word in verse 3? "Because" here's the key. The New American Standard says, "knowing." Uh-oh, apparently, I don't just go, "Hey, praise God I've got a trial." I say, "Praise God I've got a trial." And the reason I can say that is, I guess I know something. There must be something here that I know.
Here's what He says: "Know that the testing of your faith produces endurance, and let endurance have its perfect result that you'll be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." That is, that you will become mature.
The Process of Spiritual Testing
So let's look at this process. This is really important. In your life, you're going to have trials. In your life, you're going to have difficulties. That's part of life. If you're trying to get away from those, you're fooling yourself. That's just the way life is. You're going to have difficulties, and you're going to have hardship.
James says, "When they come, welcome them. Why? Because I know something." What do I know? What do I know? That the testing of my faith produces endurance. So what James is saying is, you're a Christian, you've made this profession of faith, and it's real, but you don't understand the depth of that faith, and the value of that faith, until you have difficult times.
The way I like to say it, my girls are both—Haley's still in nursing school, she gets out in May—and she's taking all these classes, and these classes have a classroom, and they have a laboratory. Well, what James is anticipating here is, we've sat in the classroom, and we have this faith, but now we're going out in the laboratory to see if it's real. And the laboratory is what we call the school of hard knocks. It's life.
Testing Faith in Real Life
It's one thing to sit in here and say, "God is good all the time. All the time God is good." That's absolutely true. We sing that, and we rejoice in that. But it's easier to sing that in here than it is out there. And it doesn't take much out there to make us wonder. All it takes is a series of red lights. It's not like it takes a spot on your lung. All it takes is me getting in—I dialed somewhere the other day, "Press one if you want, press one, press one if you want, return the other." I could not, I was so mired in this network, and I'm so frustrated. "Oh God tests me hard. Oh."
You never know the life. See what it is? It's just that little, little thing. In fact, you don't even know if you've got patience, until you get in trying circumstances. I drove, it's only happened one time, I drove one Sunday morning from my house to church and didn't hit a red light. I got to tell you, I was the most patient guy you've ever seen. Calm, relaxed. Last Sunday, I hit the first three lights I came
I'm saying there's nobody here. There's not a soul on this street at 6:30 in the morning. It's one of those moments where I said, I'm not sure they really want me to stop for that. I don't think they do. They meant red when there's a lot of people, not when you're alone.
It's that kind of thought process. I've got to know that the testing of my faith produces endurance. Stamina.
The Gym Illustration
Now let me give you the physical picture of this. I started a couple of years ago working out. My first trip to the gym—and everybody that's been around me unfortunately had to listen to this story 80 times—was not a pretty one. I had a friend who took me through and showed me the machines and the weights and all this. I went the next morning on my own for the very first time.
I punched in, got on one of these machines, kind of a stair step machine. I punched in the thing—I thought, 10 minutes. I don't know, 10 minutes. Level 1 to 20, I chose 15. Well, I'm above average, I figured. 10 is average. I've got to go to something.
I'm on this thing, and I'm not doing real well here. It's counting down the time, and I'm saying, I don't know if I'm going to make it. How much time I got left? Nine minutes. I'm saying, whoa. At 2 minutes and 37 seconds, I hit the big red button that says stop. I just stopped it.
I got off and I was weak. I mean, I was hurting and starting to not feel real good. I thought, well, I'll go maybe do the weights. These weights had all these machines where you have to move the stuff, and it's like a hassle. So there's a little pipsqueak girl, about this big, ahead of me. She couldn't have weighed as much as this mic stand—a little 90-pounder. I thought, well, I'll be embarrassed, but I'll just leave the weights where she is.
She sat down and did her sets of three, and I sat down and went. We're a mile from the gym, and I stopped twice on the way home—I had to stop the car. My body was shaking and trembling, but I knew if I didn't go back the next morning, I'd never go again.
Now, I mean, the other day—vacations kind of messed us up—I went out and did 20 minutes, I think, on a treadmill. I got on my other machine for 30 minutes, did some weights, and then did the last 5 minutes on the treadmill. That's too much—a half hour is plenty.
The Principle of Spiritual Aerobics
But the point is this, and it's a principle: If physically I take my body, the more I stress it, the more I take it to the point of exhaustion, the further I can go. Aerobic activity. Get this, because here's the transition. James says trials are spiritual aerobics.
James says it's trials that take you. They test you. They push you. They don't take your faith and make it weaker. They take your faith and make it stronger.
Again, I don't know you all, so this is always dangerous stuff because this is just the way I teach. Sometimes it sounds hardcore and can be easily misunderstood, so give me the benefit of the doubt if you would.
September 11th and God's Sovereignty
September 11th was an extraordinary moment. I'm watching the other day—PBS does this thing, basically a 2-hour program on "Where was God?" Where was God on September 11th? Where was God on September 11th? He was the same place He was on September 10th. He's on the throne, my friend. He's in total control. We didn't wake up and go, "Oh, what happened to God?"
I don't mean—I'm not minimizing September 11th—but I'm going to tell you, it was so graphic and so clear, and we had what, 2,000, 3,000 people killed. Do you realize that every day in this country, 3,300 babies are killed by their mothers? So let's not get too carried away here. We're not even—this is really over the edge—but we're not even that concerned about what happened there. We're more concerned about what might it mean to me today.
I don't know one person in our church who was traumatized by September 11th. And yet I watched this thing on PBS, and you would have thought the whole world was shattered over September 11th. They had rabbis and priests and Presbyterian and Episcopal priests—I didn't bring any of the quotes—but they're basically saying, "My God was changed on September 11th." Are you kidding me?
How Trials Build Faith
What that does—it doesn't in any way destroy our faith, it makes it more real. All September 11th does is prepare me for the next September 11th.
Now, we may—and this is important again, a transition—you have in your life all the time your September 11ths, whatever they are. Do they shatter you? Do they build you? James is saying those September 11ths are designed to build you. We're not masking over that. We're acknowledging that it is something that breaks a pattern of peace and comfort and joy in your life, but it puts you to the test to prove what's real.
Often times you come out the other end going, "I didn't even know I could handle that." Haven't you been there? I don't know what the circumstances are. Haven't you been there where somebody's watching you go through something, and they say to you, "I don't think I could go through that," and you say, "I didn't think I could either. I don't know what happened. All of a sudden this came together."
I'm going to show you what happened. You're in the book of James. Turn to the left to the Gospel of John. James says, listen, you've got to know something. You've got to know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. That's something you've got to know. James said this is something that's crucial for you.
John chapter 14. I made reference to it last night, and I would recommend to you just sometime when you're in your study or you're just looking...
For a quiet time, something to just look at, study John 14, 15, 16, and 17, because it's Jesus speaking to His disciples on the night that He was betrayed. Especially John 17—that's the true Lord's Prayer. When we talk about the Lord's Prayer, that's it in John 17.
Jesus Assumes We'll Be Troubled
Well, look at John 14. We talked about it last night. Verse 1: Jesus begins with this: "Let not your heart be troubled." He starts at the beginning, and apparently He assumes that our hearts are going to be troubled. Jesus understands this very well. He says, here's the natural reaction to stuff.
He had just gotten done telling Peter that he was going to deny Him. He understands how hard life is, and He says this: "Hey, in the midst of this difficulty in life, in the midst of this hardship, the natural reaction is fear, but here you go. You don't live naturally anymore—you live supernaturally. So when everybody else is afraid, when everybody else is wondering what's going on, Jesus says, don't let your heart be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in Me."
The Promise of the Helper
And then the passage we saw last night: I and the Father are one. Look at John 14:16. Here's what you need to know. Here's why you can count it all joy: "I'll ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, and He'll be with you forever. That is the Spirit of truth." He's talking about the Holy Spirit, whom the world can't receive because it doesn't know Him or behold Him, but you know Him because He abides with you. "I will not leave you as orphans."
You're not in this alone. So you're in the midst of this marriage, and you're in the midst of this life, and you've got all sorts of hardship. You don't run. You don't cut your losses. "I didn't know you were like this. Let me cut my losses and get out of this now." No—you hang in there. "But I can't." Yes, you can. Now remember, we're addressing you as though you're Christians, because you have a power living in you, the power of the Holy Spirit.
Peace That's Different from the World's
Verse 27, still John 14: "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give you, not as the world gives. Let your heart not be troubled, nor let it be fearful. And you heard I said to you, I will go away, and I will come for you. If you love Me, you will rejoice, because I will go to the Father, for the Father is greater than I."
He said, "I want you to have peace, but it's not peace as the world gives." What does the world give us for peace? Well, the world gives us peace as the absence of turmoil. We send all these envoys all around the world, and we should, to try to establish peace. What do they mean by peace? The absence of turmoil.
Jesus says, "No. Peace isn't the absence of turmoil. Peace is the presence of God." In your life, you're going to have turmoil. There you go.
The Reality of Life's Ups and Downs
Look up here. Here's how it's going to go. The circumstances in life are going to go like this—this is life, my friend. If you are here today and you are in the midst of absolute junk, and you don't think it can ever get worse, I've got encouragement for you: this too shall pass. If you're here today and you're in the midst of some of the greatest triumphs of all time, I've got a word for you: this too shall pass. Because that's life.
It starts here, and it goes like this. All of a sudden, I come at this point—I come to Christ in repentance and faith. I'm now a Christian. I'm a saint. All of a sudden, my circumstances do what? They still go like this. It's not that the circumstances flatten out; it's just that I know that the Spirit, the Helper, God Himself indwells me, so in the midst of this, I know He's there.
So all of a sudden, in the good times, I've got a joy that's beyond anything that I can imagine. In the hard times, I've got a joy that passes human understanding.
Persecution Is Part of the Package
Look at chapter 15. It just reinforces the point again: "If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own, but because you're not of the world, I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you: A slave is not greater than his master. If they persecuted Me, they'll persecute you. If they kept My word, they would keep yours also."
He said, "Listen, you're going to have tribulation. You're going to have hardship. They persecuted Me, they're going to persecute you." So let me see if I can explain to you what He's saying. He's saying this is the way life is, and it's got a lot of hardship in it. And now you come to Me in repentance and faith, you're going to have more pain than the normal person, because now you have the wear and tear of life plus persecution. So it's going to go like this, and like this, and like this, and like this.
It's Better That Jesus Went Away
Look at chapter 16, verse 7. The very first time I read chapter 16, verse 7, it blew my mind. He said, "I tell you the truth, it's to your advantage that I go away." I'm thinking, if we today said, "Let's have the best circumstance we could possibly have," you know what we would say? It would be to have Jesus sitting right here. And Jesus says, "Uh-uh."
He's sitting there with these guys, and He said, "You're better off if I go away. It's to your advantage that I go away. You're better off without Me, because without Me, you will have salvation." And here's what He says: "I will send you a Helper." The word means a comforter, one who puts courage into you. That's who you are.
The Promises of God
Here's a promise. I had not been a Christian very long. I went to the Christian bookstore, and I was overwhelmed by all these books. I noticed over the years, the ones that look the best are generally the worst. Well, I'm checking out, and there was a book there. It was a leather-bound gold-leaf "Promises of God." And I thought, "Gosh, I need to know what God promises me. I better grab hold of these promises of God and live by those promises of God." So I went...
Confronting the Promise of Tribulation
You know what promise wasn't in that book of promises? You're there. John chapter 16, verse 33. "These things I've spoken to you, that in me you may have peace. Here's the promise. In this world, you will have tribulation."
That promise didn't make the book. All these other promises, and that promise wasn't in that book anywhere. Yet it seems to me that in my life, that's the promise that's become the most real. You're going to have tribulation.
In your marriage, you're going to have pain, and you're going to have hardship, and you're going to have difficulty. There's just no way around it. That's just part of it. You're going to have times when you aren't going to be very happy.
We Weren't Designed for Complete Happiness Here
Do you understand you weren't really designed to be happy here? Max Lucado writes this: "Unhappiness on earth cultivates a hunger for heaven. By gracing us with a deep dissatisfaction, God holds our attention. The only tragedy then is to be satisfied prematurely, to settle for earth, to become content in a strange land."
We're not happy here because we're not at home here. We're not happy here because we're not supposed to be happy here. You will never be completely—that's a key word now—completely happy on earth simply because you weren't made for earth.
You'll have moments of joy. You will catch glimpses of life. You will know moments, even days of peace, but they simply do not compare with the happiness that lies ahead. I'm not saying you can't be happy here. I think you should be. We're going to talk in a second about joy, and you need to have joy. But this is a smidgen, this is a preview of heaven.
Heaven Becomes More Real
What's interesting, and I think about it again, and I've been thinking about it a lot the last couple of weeks approaching the anniversary of Larry's death, heaven is becoming more and more a real place to me, and a place I'm kind of anxious to go to because a lot of people I know are hanging out there. It's getting a little easier. That's what James is saying.
Understanding Romans 8:28 Correctly
Romans 8, verse 28. You know that, don't you? You know that verse? Anybody quote it? Basically, what they said is, "God causes all things to work together for good. Those who love Him are called according to His purpose." Would you agree with that? That's not what it says.
Here's what it says. It says that, and that's where we want to start. I don't say that to embarrass you at all. Because that's exactly what I did. That's how I ended up stuck in this jam the first time. "And we know God causes all things to work together." See, that's where it starts. "And we know God causes all things to work together for good."
If I leave that phrase off, "and we know God causes," all of a sudden that verse is about me. It's not about me, it's about God. It's back to the very same premise that James is making. In the midst of this hardship and trials, you're going to survive because you know something.
The Importance of Doctrine
Let me make a pitch here for something that sounds very dull and very dreary, and maybe even something that you're not interested in. This would be called doctrine. How can you have hope in the midst of this world? Because you know something. What do you know? You know biblical truth. You know doctrine.
If you don't know this stuff, I'm telling you, you're going to cave. You're going to struggle. You're going to have hardship. I'm watching this September 11th. If you get a chance, by the way, pbs.org, you can get the transcript, and you can listen to these guys, these priests and pastors and rabbis. I'm telling you, it's depressing. You know why? They don't know God. They may be priests and rabbis, but they apparently are, at best, uninformed. And at worst, aren't believers at all.
Clinging to Truth in Difficulty
When I read this book, I understand. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. That doesn't mean it isn't difficult. I got an email from somebody saying, "Would you teach this if you were in New York City?" I wrote back and said, "I think I would, but I'm not there. I hope I would."
See, this is the truth. This is what we cling to. We don't expect life to be easy. There's a sense in which we're surprised. If I get on a plane, and it leaves on time, and I get off, and there's a rental car, and we drive here, and there's no rain or no fog, I'm surprised. Aren't you? I am. That's not negative thinking. It's just understanding life as it really is.
So that's one point. You better anticipate this, but you know God causes all things to work together for good. Again, let me emphasize, it's not a universal promise to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. If you're here and you're not a Christian, things are not going to work out for you, and you just need to understand that.
Realistic Expectations in Marriage
Here's the second thing. Approach this marriage with realistic expectation. Resist the temptation to expect your spouse to meet all your needs. That's not humanly possible. Only God can do that, and only He promises to do so.
Paul commands us to let our gentleness be evident, knowing that the Lord is near. He also comforts us with these words: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and guard your mind." Here's the second thing, is to have realistic
Realistic Expectations in Marriage
It's been fascinating for me to watch Tyler and Haley. One of the things that both do in their marriages - and I will confess, I struggle doing it - is that it does not appear to me that either one is trying to change the other person. Tyler has these little things he'll do that are just him, and Haley just thinks they're the cutest little thing in the world. Haley has these things, and Tyler just laughs.
The other day I came in, and he's making Sunday notes. He's redoing notes for Sunday night. I said, "What are you doing?" He said, "I'm changing the message." I said, "How come?" He said, "Well, I told Haley what I was going to teach, and Haley had five points better than mine." So he's in there working around.
So I saw Haley the next day. I said, "How was the message?" She said, "Well, it was pretty good." I said, "What do you mean pretty good? Didn't he do your stuff?" And she said, "Yeah, but not the way I would have done it." It's realistic expectations.
I alluded to it last night. I'm into this just a couple months, and I say to Susan, "You're not making me happy." Now, why is that a big deal? Because I married her, wanting her, assuming she'd make me happy. I'll tell you what - this means you've got to talk this stuff through. You have to communicate.
Defining Your Expectations
I'll give you a great example from the kids' life, then from Susan's life, then we'll close. The kids were on vacation one year. Susan and the girls flew over to San Diego. I couldn't get away for a couple days. They're in San Diego. They go to the zoo, go to Sea World. We've got a place over there - we've got a condo over there.
We drive up to L.A. We go to Knott's Berry Farm. We've got tickets. A friend of ours provided us tickets, terrific tickets for Phantom of the Opera. We did something else there. We stay in this hotel. We go up a little north, stay in the hotel, have a great time.
We drive up. We go through Monterey. We get into San Francisco. We hit all the stuff there. We're at Pier 39. We go up to Sea Ranch, which is where we always end up. We have this magnificent time, probably gone three weeks, four weeks - extraordinary time.
We're driving back, and we're just coming out of Palm Springs and over into Blythe. I said to the girls, "How'd you like the vacation?" They said, "We didn't do anything." I said, "Really? We didn't do anything? Not one thing this whole time?" "No, we didn't do anything."
The next year, we're getting ready to leave, and I said, "Girls, make a list of everything you want to do on this vacation." So they did. As we did them, I said, "Now get your list out and check it off. Check it off. Check it off." Now we're down toward the end. I said, "And we didn't do this. Is that all right?" They said, "Yep." I said, "Okay, put your initials there."
We got to the same place driving home, and I said to the girls, "Girls, how was the vacation?" They said, "It was terrific." Let me tell you something - we did half the things the second year that we did the first year, but they were defined. See, that's what you got to do.
The Godly Man Expectation
I had a couple that came to me. We're doing this premarital counseling, and we're doing all this stuff, and now we marry them. About four or five weeks into it, I get a call at night. One night, this girl - the girl's crying. "We need to come. We need to leave." I said, "Well, we'll set up..." "We can't have it until we got to go right now." I said, "Well, all right. Come on in."
So they come into the house. The door opens. She walks in. She's crying. He walks in behind her. I look at him. He goes, "I don't know. I don't know." They sit down, and I know in moments like this, I'm wasting my time talking to him because he has no idea why they're there.
So I said, "What's the problem?" And she said, "It's never going to work." And I said, "Well, why isn't it going to work?" "He's not a godly man. I thought he was a godly man. I married him. I thought he was a godly man." I said, "Are you a godly man?" He said, "I thought I was until I married her. I don't know if I'm a godly man or not. I thought I was."
I said, "Honey, how come he's not a godly man?" She said, "We pray together every night, but we don't pray together about every third morning, and we only have Bible study two days a week." Now, you know whose fault this whole situation is? Mine. Because we're sitting there, and they're talking about getting married, and I said, "What's most important to you?" And she said, "A godly man." And I said to him, "Are you a godly guy?" And he said, "Yeah." And we said, "All right, check it out."
We never defined what a godly guy was. Most women I know would kill for a husband who set that pattern. You've got to define these expectations in your life.
The Nature of Unmet Expectations
You're inevitably - and this is just human nature - you're inevitably going to trust the other person, or the job, or the house, or whatever it is, to meet your need. It's just the way it is. The nature is to get into something and never define it.
Susan and I had been married. This was our first day. I came home. I smell something cooking. Boy, that smells good. Walk in - chicken enchiladas. And I mean, I scarfed down these chicken enchiladas. Made enough for six, I ate them all.
The second night, I'm coming in, and I say, "Hmm, dinner's ready." I sit down, and I say, "Boy, that looks familiar." And the first night I'd said, "I could eat chicken enchiladas every day." The second night, I come in, and I say, "There it is." Out it comes - chicken enchiladas. They were great. They were terrific. I ate them.
I come in the third night, and I go, "There's a very fragrant aroma here in the hallway." I come in, and there's the chicken enchiladas. And there they are, and she brings them out. And so I eat them, and I said, "You know, when I said I could eat chicken enchiladas every night, it was an expression. It's just trying to tell you how good they are." Well, we had this blowout over these chicken enchiladas.
The Key to Contentment
You have got to have perspective. You have to have expectations that are defined. If the two of you are in this relationship, you better understand what the other person says is important.
In his classic book, His Needs, Her Needs, the author lays out the five things a man needs in a marriage and the five things a woman needs. Men's five: Sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration. Women: affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and family commitment. Neither of them have the same stuff on them.
When I think of love, I think sex. When a woman thinks love, they think hugging and cards. Susan has a thing called NST, non-sexual touching, which seems to me to be an oxymoron. I've never understood it. But what it means is hugging. Gary Smalley said a woman needs 12 hugs a day. So I like to kind of get in early in the day, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Get them out of the way.
Job's Terrible Day
Now what we're talking about is contentment. It's what we're really talking about. I want to give you the key to contentment. Turn to the book of Job chapter 1. Job's got all these problems. Satan comes and Satan says to God, obviously Job's happy. You've never taken anything away from him. Anybody could be happy. I could be happy. We could all be happy if you never challenge us.
Verse 12: "Alright, you can test him. Do whatever you want with everything he possesses, but don't harm him physically."
One day Job's sons and daughters, verse 13, were dining at the older brother's house. A messenger arrived at Job's house with this news: "Your oxen were plowing and the donkeys were feeding beside them. When the Sabians raided them and they stole all the animals and killed all the farmhands, and I'm the only one who escaped." And while he was speaking, another messenger arrived with this news: "The fire of God has fallen from heaven and burned up your sheep and all the shepherds, and I'm the only one left." And while he was speaking, a third came and said: "Three bands of Chaldeans have raided and stolen your camels and killed all your servants, and I'm the only one left."
All the farm animals are gone. The farmhands are gone. The sheep are gone. The shepherds are gone. The camels are gone. The servants are gone. While that one was speaking, another messenger arrived: "Your sons and your daughters were feasting at their older brother's house. Suddenly, a powerful wind swept in from the desert, hit the house on all sides. The house collapsed. All your children are dead, and I'm the only one left to tell you."
I don't believe this is make-believe. I believe this happened. This is a bad day right here. This happened to him in a day.
Job's Response: The Secret to Contentment
Listen to Job's response. Job stood up and tore his robe in grief, and then he shaved his head, and he fell on the ground, and he said: "I came naked from my mother's womb, and I will be stripped of everything when I die. The Lord gave me everything I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the Lord."
There's the key right there to contentment. I came in with nothing. I'm leaving with nothing. Paul says it this way in 1 Timothy 6:6: "Godliness plus contentment equals great gain. I came into the world with nothing. I'm leaving with nothing. So I have food and clothing. With those, I should be content."
I will tell you beyond your relationship with your spouse, in this world, the missing ingredient in most people's life is contentment. Most people are discontent. And the way you get contentment is to understand that this is temporary, and that's eternal.
The Temporary Nature of Possessions
I walked down yesterday. Did you see those Plymouth Prowlers down there by the steakhouse yesterday? I mean, those are pretty cool things. This one guy, hey, talk about problems. This guy is dusting this, and there'd be something that'd come, and he'd dust this off, and he'd dust this off, and he'd dust this off.
I went up, and there were a couple of guys. It was real interesting, because there were two guys standing there. I said, "Have you noticed there's no women around here?" He said, "No, it's all guys." So we went down to talk to this one guy, and someone said, "What's that cost?" And he said, well, it costs this, and it costs that. I said, "What kind of engine is it?" And I mean, he knew everything about this car. And everything in me wanted to say to him, "It's a car. You came in with nothing, and you're leaving with nothing. And you better understand that."
Biblical Contentment in Marriage
Hebrews 13:5: "Let your character be free from the love of money. Be content with what you have."
Gentlemen, be content with the wife God's given you. Ladies, be content with the husbands God's given you. Be content with the kids God's given you. And you have realistic expectations.
There's a couple more things that we want to talk about. We want to talk in the next session about sex. So half of you will be here. That's all right. I understand.
Let's pray. Father, we thank You for this truth. It's just nothing we don't know. They're just great reminders. Life is hard. It has difficulties. It has trials and challenges. We know that. And then our temptation is to try to make that other person fulfill all of our needs. And no human being can do that. God, remind us. How do You do that? Through Your Word. Make us students of Your Word, God. Help us understand these aren't just words on a page. This is reality. God, thank You that You didn't leave us as an orphan. You didn't leave us all alone. That even in the midst of our pain and our hardship here, we know You're with us. And God, we pray that
You put in us a contentment in the material world and a discontentment spiritually. We want to hunger and thirst more and more for You. That, God, in our heart, in the back of our mind, there is a yearning for heaven. Oh, God, for that day when we will be with Your Son, Jesus, forever. God, make us faithful till then. We pray in Christ's name. Amen.