Sex in Marriage
Tom Shrader walks through 1 Corinthians 7:1-7, addressing the Corinthian church's misguided belief that celibacy within marriage was a mark of superior spirituality. He argues that God designed sexual intimacy as a mutual obligation and gift between husband and wife, not something to be withheld for spiritual reasons or used as manipulation. Drawing on commentators including John MacArthur, Ray Stedman, and Ed Young, Shrader frames the sexual relationship as a reliable barometer of the overall health of a marriage and grounds the discussion in five scriptural purposes for marriage: reproduction, pleasure, partnership, illustration of Christ and the church, and guarding against immorality.
“Sex is not the most important thing in marriage, but it is a reliable barometer of the whole atmosphere of the relationship.”
— Tom Shrader
Series: Life Management
Recorded: 2001 at East Valley Bible Church
Duration: 43 min
Themes: sex, marriage, intimacy, husband and wife, purity, temptation, mutual respect, relationship health, married couples, husband, wife, struggling with intimacy, navigating marital conflict, newlywed, couples in crisis, feeling disconnected in marriage
Scripture: 1 Corinthians 7:1-7, Genesis 1:28, Ephesians 5, Philippians 2:3, Matthew 5:27
Theological Themes: biblical marriage, sanctification, imago dei, covenantal intimacy, sexual ethics, scriptural authority, marriage as illustration of christ and church, guarding against immorality
Full Transcript
A Graduate's Testimony
Open your Bibles, if you would, to 1 Corinthians chapter 7. This is a really relevant chapter. Paul deals with a variety of things here, and we will talk about them over the next couple of weeks.
Before we do, I want to show you a short video. This week, as you may know, at one of the commencement addresses, one of the valedictorians drew a great deal of attention to himself as he took his robe and revealed what was underneath — which was very little, and was an ugly thing to see. Everybody got to discuss it, and it was on the talk shows and television and all that goes with it.
There were a lot of valedictorian addresses this week, however. There was also one given right on the other side of Elliott, over at Mesquite High School, where four, five, six, seven thousand people gathered. It was the first graduating class that had gone all the way through Mesquite, so all of the superintendents and principals were there — it was a big deal. The student giving that valedictorian address was Tom Christie, who attends church here, and I thought I would show you the video.
Now, when we say this is an amateur video, this is an amateur video. Someone is holding a single camera, so we cannot control a lot of the sound and you will see some movement. Even so, I think it is important for you to take a look at this.
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*[Video plays — Tom Christie, Valedictorian, Mesquite High School Class of 2001]*
"As the Valedictorian of the Class of 2001 of Mesquite High School — Valedictorian isn't very easy to say — before I begin, I would just like to thank one guy who has impacted more students here than anyone else could have, one person who knows more of our names than anyone else. Guys, would you join me in a round of applause for Maka?
Over the last three years, we have learned a lot of things. Teachers have taught us algebra, chemistry, biology, about photosynthesis, protons, and ions. We have been taught about history, about civil rights and the Civil War. We have been taught about many things, and we stand here tonight to graduate, to be done with this, to have been taught what it is that we need to know for life.
Yet for all the things that we have learned so far, there is one other truth that we have not been taught. One truth that has the power to impact lives. One truth that has changed many lives here. There is a Creator. There is a God. Yet this God is not a happy God. This world around us, with us, has turned against Him. We have turned in rebellion against God. This is known as sin. Whenever we lie, or steal, or cheat, or disobey our parents, we are sinning, and we turn against God. And we can do nothing about it.
There stands a day where, after all of this — after we graduate, after we live our wonderful lives, if they become wonderful — we will die, and we will stand before God, and we will be judged for the things that we have done here. Yet all of us are guilty of sin. Every single one of us here. Parents, do you ever remember teaching your kids to lie? Or the day when you taught them to disobey you? It is built into us. It is something that has destroyed us. It has brought us to where we are. And there is nothing we can do — but God.
Two thousand years ago, Christ came. God sent His Son to this earth. His Son came to do what we could not. He lived a life without sin. Yet He died. He died a death He did not earn. He did not deserve to die upon a cross. Yet He did. And He did so as part of God's plan — a plan to offer us hope. For all of us. To be free from the guilt.
Today is not a day of celebration when we think back on all the things that we have wasted. But today could be a day of celebration. When two thousand years ago He died upon a cross, Christ offered us something so incredible. He offered us forgiveness and hope and peace and a future. He offered us freedom from judgment. He offered us freedom from sin.
Graduation is to be a day of celebration. Yet how can we celebrate when we know that at one point we will die and stand before God, who is holy and righteous? Yet there is a solution. By faith in Christ, we can be forgiven for what it is that we have done. We can be forgiven for our sins against God. How awesome is it that God would offer us that — that by faith alone, coming before God, recognizing the fact that we have nothing, that we bring Him nothing, He would offer us forgiveness?
Graduation is a day of celebration, yet it can be more than a day of celebration based upon the things that we have done here over the last three years. These three years have been great, but the future can be so much brighter if we are freed from the things that entrap us, if we are freed from the bondage of sin.
I offer you the opportunity tonight — an opportunity to know who our Creator is, to know Christ, who can forgive us for the things that we have done and the things that we will do. Now, graduates, there is no other piece of advice that I could offer you. There is no other thing that I could say to you that would be more important than what I have said. For I could have said things that would last a lifetime, yet what else will last beyond a lifetime?
Graduates, I congratulate you for what you have achieved, and I hope that you will continue to pursue excellence over the next years of your life. I hope that you would recognize the importance of the things that the teachers have brought into your life — that they have given you hope, that they have brought you teaching, that they have taught you to think and to reason, to be able to understand. Yet I offer you one thing that, apart from it, there is no hope. Congratulations, graduates. I hope that you would pursue the best things over the future, pursue a great life. Thank you."
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Again, congratulations to Tom, and to the class. All three services have responded exactly the same way.
Introduction
Now concerning the things about which you wrote: it is good for a man not to touch a woman. Paul is responding to a letter he received from the Corinthians requesting instruction. He is dealing with the immorality present in that city, and yet there are other questions he must address as well. Even within marriage, some who had become Christians thought that, now that they were believers married to unbelievers, they ought to leave their spouses. Others believed that even as Christians, there should be no sex between married partners, because celibacy was somehow a higher spiritual condition. Paul begins to deal with all of this in the first seven verses of chapter 7.
The Context of Corinth
When Paul wrote to the church at Corinth and spoke about marriage, he was writing to listeners who filtered his words through any of four different types of marriage recognized in that culture. Slaves were permitted to come together as tent companions — a kind of pretend marriage in the eyes of that economy. There were also those who were not slaves but lived together in a common-law arrangement. Some fathers sold their daughters to a prospective spouse. And then there was marriage as we know it, complete with a bridal cake, vows, a bouquet, a matron of honor, a best man, and everything that goes with it. Virtually every adult in Corinth had been through some version of one of these arrangements, so when Paul speaks of marriage, divorce, and remarriage, he is speaking into that complex reality.
Paul is writing to a city filled with sexual immorality, and he is now trying to sort it out. He begins in chapter 7, verse 1: "Now concerning these things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman." That phrase — to touch a woman — is a Jewish euphemism for sexual intercourse. Paul is saying there ought not to be sexual contact between men and women outside of marriage. He is not speaking of a husband and wife here, but of a man and a woman in general.
Marriage as the Proper Context for Sexuality
Paul continues: "Because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and each woman her own husband." He is saying that because immorality exists and because there is within people this desire to fulfill the sexual urge, that desire needs to find its expression within the context of marriage. Even within marriage, he is making two points: there ought to be fidelity and sexual intimacy, and there ought to be exclusivity. Paul is telling the Corinthians that if the sexual drive is to be addressed, it must be addressed within the confines of marriage.
There are some striking parallels between the culture of Corinth and the one we live in today. A couple of years ago, a church in Newport Beach asked me to lead a men's retreat. At dinner before the first session, I was going around the table talking to the guys, and I noticed two of them were single — which is unusual, because at most church men's retreats you don't find many single men. As I moved to another table and asked a man about his family, he told me he was single as well. When I got up to speak that night, I mentioned how unusual this seemed and asked how many of the men present were single. I have led a great many men's retreats, and nothing like what happened next has ever happened before or since — roughly a hundred men out of around three hundred stood up. I told them I did not have an answer yet for what that meant, but that I would before the weekend was over.
When the session ended, a couple of men made their way up to talk to me. You could see right away these were physically impressive, put-together guys.
The Context Paul Is Writing Into
At least we have a basis — we can connect here. That is the relationship we will have. So they came up and said, "Hey, we're single too." I said, "What is going on?" He said, "Here's what's happening. In Newport Beach, there is so much sexual immorality, and the women are so aggressive, that we understand we have to be in the world. We flee immorality, but we find strength from being with other Christian guys."
That is the audience Paul is writing to — people in this world, that Newport Beach kind of world. It is here, and it is all over our culture. He says, listen, because of that immorality, if there is an outlet you are looking for, then what you need to understand is that outlet ought to take place within marriage.
Five Reasons to Marry
For a long time I taught that the primary reason to marry was sex. I have subsequently changed that view — only because I grew weary of dealing with emails. So now here is what I say: one of the primary reasons to marry is sex. Now, by definition there can only be one primary reason, but scripturally, here is what we know. We are to marry for at least five reasons we can find here.
**Number one: to reproduce.** Genesis 1:28 — "God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth.'" One of the scriptural reasons to marry is reproduction, procreation. Some have elevated — and I use that word in quotation marks — sex to the point where they say it is only for procreation.
The Catholic Church, in which I was raised, believes that Mary was a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus and that she remained ever a virgin. That becomes the role model for the family. They believe that Joseph and Mary never had sex. Here is what we know from Scripture — and this is how we address such teaching. We know Jesus had at least four brothers, who are named, and sisters, plural. So that teaching is not only destructive; it is anti-biblical. One of the legitimate reasons to marry and to have sex is, indeed, to reproduce.
Sex Is Also for Pleasure
**Number two: pleasure.** Ray Stedman — who is not, in my view, a wild and crazy guy, but a pretty conservative, laced-up man — writes this:
> "One thing is clear: sex in marriage is given to us for the mutual pleasure of those involved. It is the highest form of physical ecstasy, without a doubt. Nothing compares to it, and God likes it that way. He has designed it that way. He has given us our erogenous zones and permitted them and intended them to be aroused and excited. He intended for human beings to experience the exquisite ecstasy of orgasm, and He designed it so that it be protected and experienced within the walls of security that marriage provides. Within those marriage boundaries, sex is designed to be exquisite pleasure, which a married couple experiences frequently."
Marriage Is Partnership
**Number three: partnership.** The two become one — that is the first malediction. In other words, God looks around and says, "It is good, it is good, it is good." Then He looks at man alone and says, "It is not good that he should be alone." So there is the idea of partnership.
In marriage the two become one, not just in a physical sense, but there is a closeness that supersedes every other relationship. A man and a woman leave father and mother and replace that relationship. Even as children come into the family, I do not believe that supersedes the marriage relationship. We love our girls very, very much and care deeply for them, but by far I have a stronger bond and commitment to their mom than I do to them. It is a different relationship. I have a closeness with Susan that I cannot have with any other person on this planet.
It is also an illustration of the church. Ephesians 5 — "For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church. Husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church."
The Duty Each Spouse Owes the Other
**Number four: to remain pure.** He is saying, listen, it is not good for a man and a woman to lack sexual intimacy. Now, because there is this desire and there is immorality all around, let a man have his wife and a wife have her husband. Within that, here is some specific instruction.
"Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise the wife her duty to her husband." The word *duty* means that which is owed — a debt. He is not saying the man is superior to the woman or the woman superior to the man. He is saying there is an equal responsibility here, and although it is about sex, it is deeper than that.
Verse four: "A wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise, the husband does not have authority over his body, but the wife does." It is in the present tense — something that is always true. In other words, my responsibility — my privilege, though he uses the word *duty* — in marriage is to fulfill the physical needs that my wife has.
Abstinence Within Marriage Is Wrong
John MacArthur writes this:
> "That celibacy is wrong for those who are married should be obvious, but it was not obvious to some Corinthian believers. Because of their erroneous belief in the spiritual superiority of total sexual abstinence, some members in the church practiced abstinence even within marriage. Some overzealous husbands apparently had decided to set themselves apart wholly for God. In doing so, they were neglecting — even denying — their responsibility to their wives, especially in…"
Sexual Intimacy as a Reflection of the Relationship
The practice of deprivation probably was most common when a spouse was not a believer, but Paul applies his command to all marriages. Married believers are not to sexually deprive their spouse, whether the spouse is a Christian or not. As MacArthur writes, sexual expression within marriage is not an option or an extra. It is certainly not, as some have considered, a necessary evil in which spiritual Christians engage only to procreate. It is far more than a physical act. God created it to be an expression and experience of love at the deepest human level and to be a beautiful and powerful bond between husband and wife.
Sex becomes, in some ways, a picture of the rest of the relationship. Dr. Ed Young writes, "Sex is not the most important thing in marriage, but it is a reliable barometer of the whole atmosphere of the relationship. If sex is to be dynamic, many other foundational things must be securely in place, so that the state of your table for two can tell a lot about the state of your union." What he is saying is that when you look at the sexual lives of a husband and wife, it tells you a great deal about the depth of that relationship.
Now, understand what Paul is writing. He is writing to deal with a problem in that church. The problem was that husbands and wives were saying, "I am spiritual, and my spirituality means that my sexuality has to be put aside." Paul says, no, not at all. There were also some who were married to unbelievers and were saying, "I do not want to defile myself by having contact with this unbeliever." Paul says no to that as well.
Unselfishness as the Foundation of Marriage
It becomes a picture, as I said, of something deeper. When I perform a wedding, part of what I do is offer instruction, and one piece of advice is this: marriage requires unselfishness. Though the passage we are looking at speaks primarily of sexual intimacy, the application touches every area of marriage. You are bound to become one. You are to set aside concerns about your own rights and be concerned about meeting the needs and wants of your mate.
As we have said, one of the scriptural reasons to marry is not just pleasure or reproduction, but partnership — coming together as one. The words Paul writes in Philippians 2:3 are helpful here: "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." What Paul is saying is that within the marriage relationship, we understand that we have the privilege and the responsibility to be satisfying and pleasurable to our mate.
The Ground Rules for Abstaining
Verse five takes it even a step further: "Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again, lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control." There were some in that church who were saying, "If I want to be truly spiritual, I will deprive my mate." There were others — and I will guarantee there are some in a body like East Valley Bible Church — who were using sex and the withholding of it to intimidate or manipulate their spouse. Paul says, do not dare do that. Stop depriving one another of sexual intimacy.
If there is indeed a time for abstaining, Paul gives clear ground rules. First, it must be by mutual consent. What I appreciate about that is it means the two are talking about sex — they are agreeing together, never unilaterally. Second, it is only for a specific, set-apart time. Third, it is for a specific purpose: prayer. Paul is saying that there are times when something enters our lives — grief, illness, or a matter God has gripped the heart with — and it is right for the two of you to commit to pray and focus on that issue spiritually. But it is only for a season, and then you come back together and resume sexual intimacy, in order to avoid temptation.
Notice how careful the thinking is. One of the reasons to marry, Paul says, is because of the inability to control sexual desire. When you enter that relationship, those desires are fulfilled within it. If you begin to pull apart and discontinue that intimacy, you are placing the other person in extraordinary vulnerability to temptation. So Paul is saying that if there is to be a period of abstaining, it must be mutually agreed upon, limited to a specific time, for the purpose of prayer, and followed by coming back together — because he understands how Satan works.
Singleness as a Gift
Verse six reads, "But this I say by way of concession, not of command." What Paul is not saying here is that you must be married. The word concession carries the idea of shared awareness — of thinking the same thing as someone, of having a common mind or understanding. He is saying, "I want you to be aware of this. I am not commanding you to marry." The implied question being addressed is whether singleness is better than marriage — whether it is better to be single and celibate than to be married.
Paul's answer is found in verse seven: "Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that." What he is saying is that some people have the gift of singleness. Some have no desire to be married, or if they do, it is not a driving desire.
Singleness and Marriage
Paul's idea is that singleness is not superior to marriage — that was the battle he was fighting. We fight a slightly different battle today. I think we live in an environment that implies marriage is better than singleness. Sarah was probably not three months old when a grandmotherly old lady said to me, "I hope you're praying for a spouse for your daughter. I've been praying for my granddaughters to find spouses." I wasn't going to get into an argument with her, but I wasn't praying that, and I haven't been.
Here's what I pray: "God, have her do what You want her to do." Maybe He wants her single. All of a sudden, I'm praying contrary to the will of God — and that sounds like a little thing, but it's a great indicator of how we submit God's will to our approval. Maybe God doesn't want her married. Paul was fighting a society that said singleness is better. I think we live in an environment where we say marriage is better. Paul says neither is the case — you've been gifted to either be single or be married.
Paul does seem to imply that singleness has its advantages. As we read through this chapter, he speaks very positively of singleness. Here's just a little glimpse of that: "Yet I wish that all men were even as I am" — and he is single.
Paul's Own Story
Now, for some of you this will be new information, though we've touched on it before. Although Paul is single here, we are almost positive that at one point he was married. We don't have chapter and verse for that, but we do know that every good Jewish boy would understand he was expected to be married, usually by age 18. We also know Paul was a member of the Sanhedrin, and a qualification for the Sanhedrin was that you were married. We have every reasonable expectation that Paul was married at some point.
That raises the question: what happened to his wife? The answer is, we simply do not know. There is nothing in Scripture, and not even anything in tradition that really speaks to it. It may be that she died. William Barclay is a little more aggressive — here's what he writes: "It may be that Paul's wife died; it is even more likely that she left him and broke up his home when he became a Christian." But we have no idea whether that is true or not. What we do know, with pretty good certainty, is that we think he was married, we know he is single now, and we do not know what happened to his wife.
Paul is saying, "I wish you were like me — I am now, at this point in my life, called and gifted to be single. I couldn't be on these missionary journeys, I couldn't be doing what I'm doing, if I had a spouse and children." As we work our way through this chapter, he will again and again return to this idea: there is a freedom in singleness that is not there in marriage. But for now, that is all we can say on the subject.
God Invented Sex
Here is what you need to know about sex. Number one: God invented it. It is His idea. I'm afraid that sometimes we think Hugh Hefner came along and then sex arrived. God created us this way. "It is not good for man to be alone; I will make a helper suitable for him." Human sexuality is unique among creatures. We are not just animals, and that is why we say sex totally involves us — it is not just a physical act, though it is certainly that, but it encompasses the mind, the soul, and the heart.
There is something about sexual intimacy that is unique among all human experiences. In fact, if you can go from partner to partner and feel no attachment — if it is purely physical — then something is seriously wrong. You are deficient there.
The Boundaries God Has Set
Because sex involves the whole person and the whole psyche, it requires boundaries. Let's look at them quickly. No sex outside of marriage — if you are single, there is to be no sexual activity. If you are married, your sexual activity is to be with your spouse, and your spouse alone. No sex with the same gender — homosexuality and lesbianism are wrong. It is remarkable that when we say that, we get such a strong reaction, yet nowhere in the Old or New Testament do we see same-gender sex spoken of in a positive fashion.
No sex with immediate family members or animals. And no fantasy about anyone other than your spouse. Matthew 5:27-28: "You have heard that it was said, you shall not commit adultery, but I say to you that everyone who looks upon a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart." That is the verse that got Jimmy Carter into all his trouble. These are the boundaries.
When we were raising our girls, here is what we said: here is a boundary, and here is a boundary — you do whatever you want inside here, you have a bucket load of fun inside here, just don't go outside these lines. But here are the lines — let the games begin. That is exactly what God is saying.
Sex as a Barometer of Marriage
Let me return to the Ed Young quote, because I think it is significant: "Sex may not be the most important thing in marriage, but it does become a barometer of everything else." Rarely do people come into our office to talk about problems in their marriage and then say, "Oh, but the sex life is terrific." You would be surprised — perhaps shocked — at the number of people who, when they come in to talk about their marriage, say they haven't had sex in six months, seven months, eight months, or a year.
I have a friend who is an unbeliever, and he said, "My wife and I have sex once a year, and we're three years behind." That is not good — and it is a telling indication of where that marriage truly is. Paul wants to set the record straight: there is nothing inherently good or superior about celibacy, and within marriage, celibacy ought not even be the case.
Within the Boundaries God Has Given
Sexual intimacy in marriage should be a consideration except for a specific time, for the purpose of prayer, and by mutual agreement. Otherwise, the boundary is clear: go at it. This is the kind of thing we don't talk about much in church. We somehow get the idea that if you're really spiritual, you're a prude or Victorian. God says, not at all.
To me, these are very encouraging words, and I think they are a no-brainer, really, across these seven verses. It gets a little more complicated when Paul starts to talk about divorce and remarriage, but this portion is pretty clear. He is speaking to that generation and to ours as well, and he says that within marriage there ought to be sexual intimacy. In fact, he uses pretty strong words when he starts talking about duty and responsibility.
Sex Is a Spiritual Issue
This is the Sunday I wanted to assign homework, but I rejected the temptation to do so. What I do want you to see is that when you talk about sex, it's not just sex — it really is a spiritual issue, and you need to understand it as that. God gives us those boundaries, we understand what they are, and within them, sexual expression is part of the way God has created us.
Next week we start to talk about things that are a little more complicated, both for that culture and in translating them into our culture as well. I think we can do that, and we'll take a look at it then.
Closing Prayer
Father, we pray that You would help us understand that You have created us male and female, and You have put in us a sexual desire. God, help us understand whether You have made us to be single or married. If single, we understand that sexual purity is an absolute. Within marriage and within the boundaries that You have given us, God, help us understand that we have the freedom to express our love for our partner. God, make that real to us. We ask it in Jesus' name. Amen.