Divorce and Remarriage
Tom Shrader works through 1 Corinthians 7:8-16, addressing divorce and remarriage in a church where many members carry painful marital histories. He explains that God permits divorce only in cases of sexual immorality or desertion by an unbelieving spouse, and that remarriage is permitted for the faithful partner only when the divorce rests on those biblical grounds. Throughout the teaching, Shrader emphasizes that God's primary call is obedience rather than personal happiness, and he offers pastoral encouragement to those in difficult marriages to trust God's design and pursue reconciliation where possible.
“Remarriage is permitted for the faithful partner only when divorce is on biblical grounds, and the purpose for a biblical divorce is to make clear that the faithful partner is free to remarry, but only in the Lord.”
— Tom Shrader
Series: Life Management
Recorded: 2001 at East Valley Bible Church
Duration: 1 hr 6 min
Themes: divorce, remarriage, marriage, obedience, reconciliation, faithfulness, suffering, forgiveness, going through divorce, considering remarriage, married to an unbeliever, struggling in marriage, spouse, divorced before becoming a christian, new believer, carrying past wounds
Scripture: 1 Corinthians 7:8-16, 2 Corinthians 6:14, 1 Thessalonians 5:18, Philippians 4:8, 1 Corinthians 10:13, Genesis 2:24, Malachi 2:16, Matthew 19
Theological Themes: biblical marriage, hermeneutics, sanctification, covenant theology, pastoral care, sexual immorality, biblical authority, spiritual obedience
Full Transcript
Introduction
Turn to 1 Corinthians chapter 7. This is a really important chapter with extraordinary practical application to us. Paul deals with marriage, and he deals with singleness and celibacy. The section we look at today covers verses 8 through 16, and what Paul is really talking about in here is divorce and remarriage.
In a culture where the divorce rate is 30, 40, or 50 percent, we can pretty much guarantee that the divorce rate within the church is going to be something like that. And I don't mean among believers — I mean among those who are now part of the church. Many of you come with backgrounds that include divorce and the pain and all that goes with it, and there are always questions. These are typical questions that we get almost every week somewhere on campus: Are those who were married and divorced before becoming Christians allowed to remarry? If I'm married to an unbeliever, should I stay married to them or divorce them? Under what circumstances is a divorced person allowed to remarry? And, on the other side of that, is there ever a time when remarriage is forbidden?
We will touch a lot of nerves today, and that is just part of the nature of this topic. Our hope is to give you exactly that — hope, not guilt. Some of you are going to look at this and see that you have sinned. We want you to come face-to-face with that, ask God's forgiveness, and move on, just like any other sin. These situations are more difficult because they involve human relationships, and those are sometimes very complicated. But it strikes me, as I work my way through these eight or nine verses, that God is not confused and gives us some pretty clear instruction.
The Historical Background
As a way of introduction, I have assembled the writings of three or four different commentators. Divorce was rather rare in Jewish communities at that time, but in Greek cities like Athens and Corinth and other Roman cities, divorce was frequent. Even women could divorce their husbands, and did so very easily in those days, so that here in Corinth the apostle addresses a condition very much like the one we have right now in America.
His word to us in this chapter is right on target. He understands the pressure behind the breakup of marriage. He is thoroughly familiar with the acceptance of divorce by the world around us and the temptation that creates in Christians to look for an easy way out of an unhappy or difficult marriage. In the Roman Empire in Paul's day, divorce was so common that it was not impossible for men and women to have married 20 times or more.
An active and vocal feminist movement had also developed. Some wives competed with their husbands in business and even in feats of physical strength. Many were not interested in being housewives and mothers, and by the end of the first century, childless marriages were common. Both men and women were determined to live their own lives regardless of marriage vows and commitments.
The early church had members who had gone through multiple marriages and divorces. Not only that — and this is really important as we study this today, as we touched on last week — some believers had gotten the notion that being single and celibate was more spiritual than being married, and they were disparaging of marriage entirely. Perhaps someone was teaching that sex was unspiritual and should be forsaken. The situation was difficult and perplexing even for mature Christians, and for the immature Corinthians it was especially confusing. That is the backdrop. Paul is writing to this group, addressing the whole issue of divorce, marriage, and remarriage.
Three Types of Single People
Here we go — verse 8: "But I say to the unmarried and to the widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control, let them marry, for it is better to marry than to burn."
As Paul writes in the section we look at today and in the rest of this chapter, he identifies three types of single people. He identifies two of them here in verse 8. The first are the unmarried. That word appears only four times in the New Testament, and all four times in this chapter. When Paul uses the term unmarried, he is speaking of a —
The Three Categories of Single People
Paul uses three different designations to describe single people. He uses the term "unmarried" to refer to a person who was at one time married but is now divorced. He uses the term "widow" exactly as we do — somebody who was married and is now single because their spouse has died. Later in the chapter, he uses the term "virgin" to describe a single person who has never been married.
Back to the text. Paul says, "But I say to the unmarried and to the widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I am." In other words, he says to those who have been divorced and to those who are widowed that it is best for them, if they can, to stay single. He uses the phrase "even as I am."
John MacArthur captures that phrase and writes this: "By that statement, Paul affirms that he was formerly married because marriage seems to have been required for membership in the Sanhedrin to which Paul may have once belonged, and because he was so devoutly committed to the Pharisees' tradition, we may assume that he was once married. His statement here to the previously married confirms that — even as I." Likely, Paul was a widower. He does not identify with the virgins — those who have never been married — but with the unmarried and the widows. That is who he is speaking to, and that is who he identifies with.
The Gift of Singleness Versus the Need for Marriage
Paul says that if you have the gift of singleness, that is a good place for you to be. However, if you lack self-control — and he is talking about in the area of sex — then it is important for you to go ahead and get married. That is far better than to burn. The word "burn" means literally to be inflamed, to have a strong desire so consuming that it becomes a distraction, perhaps even a hindrance, perhaps even a cause for immorality. If you have a desire to be married that is so strong it is constantly present and becoming a source of temptation, then you need to be married.
We must be careful to understand something here. There are many Christians — and women especially — who love to play matchmaker, who love to bring this person together with that person, which is fine, unless the person involved has the gift of singleness and enjoys being single and God has called them to be single. Paul will make clear a little later that being single is not more spiritual than being married, and being married is not more spiritual than being single. What he will say is that there are some very clear advantages to being single. We do not want to push people into a state of marriage or singleness that God has not called them to.
Practical Advice for Singles Who Desire Marriage
Let me spend a moment on this and offer some advice. If you are single and your desire to be married is very clear in your mind — you believe God has gifted you with that desire — here are a couple of things to consider.
First, if you want to be married, find God's type of person. Second Corinthians chapter six, verse fourteen says, "Do not be bound together with unbelievers." In other words, you are not permitted to marry someone who is not a believer, not a Christian. I will take this a step further, and I will offer a disclaimer because there are even some in the leadership here at the church who would disagree with this — but this is my position. I do not think you should date an unbeliever. My logic goes like this: we know you cannot marry an unbeliever — that is clear. Most of the people you marry are people you were engaged to. Most of the people you were engaged to are people you dated seriously. Most of the people you dated seriously are people you dated casually. And most of the people you dated casually are people you went out with once. So I would not even start that process.
There are so many of you who are students and young adults beginning that process of dating, and I think you need to have an extraordinarily high standard. We used to tell the young women this: it is not just a matter of whether he is a believer. Some guy asks you out, you want to go on a date, and you ask, "Are you a Christian?" He says, "Is that important to you?" You say yes, and he says, "Yeah, I really am — put me down for yes." Do not let that be enough. Show me the fruit. Is he involved in a church? Is he involved in Bible study? Is he discipling people? I know how hard that is because there are not always many such people around. But if God has called you to be married, He will provide that person. There is nothing wrong if God does not bring that person along until you are twenty-five or thirty-five. It does not matter — you wait for that person, and you do not lower that standard.
This is really key. I see many people end up in trouble because they say, "That is the standard of the person I am going to marry, but this is just a nice person from math class, so I will just go ahead and go out once." And then you go out, and by the world's standards he is a pretty nice person, and he sweeps you off your feet. Now you are deeply struggling in a relationship you would never have entered if you had simply kept the standard where it ought to be.
Becoming the Right Person While Waiting
Some singles become very frustrated in this process and begin searching very hard. Here is what you should do instead: be God's type of person. Like tends to attract like. Whatever you are looking for in a spouse — those are the qualities you want to cultivate in your own life. That will become attractive to the people around you. Stay busy, grow closer to Him, and serve Him. Stay spiritually active. Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is holy..."
When Divorce Has No Biblical Grounds
Whatever is good repute, if there is excellence, and if there is anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things. Do not give in to the temptation to be involved sexually. First Corinthians 10:18 tells us that no temptation overcomes you, but such is common to man, and He is faithful to give you the strength to endure that.
If you are single, use your head. Do not be putting yourself in dangerous circumstances or tempting situations. Be content. I have found many single people who are so anxious to be married that they have no joy in their life and no thankfulness. Chris Christensen's favorite verse, 1 Thessalonians 5:18 — "in everything give thanks" — has taken on new meaning for Chris in the last couple of months. Thank God for your singleness. Thank God for the gift that He has given you. If you desire to be married and you are single, and if you lack self-control, it is better to be married than to burn with lust.
Instructions to the Married
Now, to the married, Paul says, "I give you instruction, not I, but the Lord" — in other words, this is what God says — that a wife should not leave her husband, but if she does leave, let her remain unmarried or else be reconciled to him, and that a husband should not send his wife away. That phrase, "leave" and "send away," in both of these contexts means divorce.
Here is what he is saying. He is talking about Christians, and he says: here are two people who are married — you should not send that other person away, you should not divorce that other person. Are there exceptions? Yes, there are, and he will give us those in a moment. But he says, if you are married and you divorce without biblical grounds — as he indicates at verse 11 — you shall not remarry. You can be reconciled to your spouse, but you cannot remarry.
Here are the vows we exchange right here on this platform: "I, Tom, take you, Susan, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish as long as we both shall live." Every time we recite those vows, I am reminded that they anticipate difficulties — for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.
What Paul is addressing here are those who say, "We are just not compatible. He is nothing like I thought he would be. He presented himself as one thing when we dated, but now he is something else. She came across as this sweet, submissive, kind person, and then I married her and she was transformed almost overnight." Paul is saying you have no grounds for divorce there.
People come up and ask: what about abuse? What about neglect? What about this situation or that one? There are two exceptions, and we will look at them in a moment. One is sexual immorality, and the other is desertion. If I am in a marriage and I decide to end that marriage on grounds that are not biblical grounds, Paul says I have no basis for remarriage. In fact, to remarry would be wrong.
A New Revelation: Believers Married to Unbelievers
Verse 12: "But to the rest I say, not the Lord." Spend a moment on that, because it can look as though Paul is saying, "This is just my idea." That is not what he is saying. He is addressing something that was not given by God previously — this is a new revelation from God. He says that if a brother has a wife who is an unbeliever and she consents to live with him, let him not send her away. And if a woman has an unbelieving husband and he consents to live with her, let her not send her husband away.
He is addressing this situation: a marriage between a believer and an unbeliever. It does not really matter how they got there. We can arrive there in one of two ways. Either the person was a believer all along and disobediently married an unbeliever, or — and this is likely — two unbelievers married, and then God converts one of them. The Holy Spirit moves in the heart of one of those people, and now one of them is converted.
What Paul is addressing is a thought that was prevalent at the time in Corinth, and it went like this: "If I am a believer married to an unbeliever, I have come to Christ and now I am yoked with this pagan — the truly spiritual thing to do is to separate from that person. In fact, he or she will defile you." Paul says, absolutely not. If you are married to an unbeliever and that wife or husband wants to stay together, then you stay together.
The Sanctifying Presence of a Believing Spouse
In fact, look at verse 14 — it is quite interesting. He says that rather than that unbeliever defiling you, exactly the opposite happens: "The unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her husband. For otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy."
Paul is not saying that if you are married to an unbeliever and you hang in there, that person will necessarily be converted. He is not talking about salvation here. What he is talking about is that in that marriage relationship, the believer becomes a display case for the works of God. That believer brings a whole dynamic into the marriage that is not present between two pagans. It is not what God would design with two believers together, but God still works in that marriage.
I know here on campus we have many — and we typically think of it this way — women who are married to unbelieving husbands. It is amazing what calmness and peace they bring into that household because of their presence and their obedience in that situation. Forget how they got there. Now they are there. What should they do? Well, if that unbelieving spouse —
The Believing Spouse and the Unbelieving Partner
If a spouse wants them to stay, they ought to stay. They become a way that God works in that marriage. Frequently, we see that believing spouse become the vehicle God uses to touch the children or to touch the parents.
We typically talk about wives married to unbelieving husbands, but in Priority Living I see a lot of men who become Christians and are married to women who say, "I don't want any part of this. I didn't want this. We're not partying anymore — we had the good life, and now those things are gone. I don't like this at all." Frequently, God will work in the life of that believing spouse, and He will bless and bring a sense of peace to that family that would not be there otherwise.
So if I am married to an unbeliever and that unbeliever wants to stay, Paul says, let him stay. However, verse 15 says, if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave — and the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such a case. If I am married to an unbeliever and that unbeliever wants to leave, Paul says you do not have to wrestle with them. If they file for divorce, you do not have to fight it. There is nothing super-spiritual about that. If they want to leave, you let them leave.
This is a key piece of information: the brother or sister — that is, the faithful believer — is no longer under bondage. In other words, that believing spouse is now free to remarry. Then Paul adds something interesting in verse 16: "For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?"
I have heard this taught for a long time as meaning you should hang in there, because you do not know what God is going to do in that unbeliever. And indeed, if the unbeliever wants you to remain in the relationship, you do. But if the unbeliever wants to leave, you let them leave — because you do not know what God is going to do. That is the whole point. Maybe He will save that person, maybe He will not. If the unbelieving one wants to leave, Paul says, let him leave.
Foundational Principles on Divorce and Remarriage
Looking at that section, the teaching seems, at least to me, fairly clear. There are some exceptions and tough questions that will inevitably come up, but they generally represent a small percentage of situations. So here are the principles and guidelines we use as we talk about divorce and remarriage.
**Principle one: God hates divorce.** God's design for marriage is stated in Genesis 2:24 — "For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and the two become one." Malachi 2:16 records God saying plainly, "I hate divorce." Jesus quotes from Genesis 2 in Matthew 19 and says, "For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and the two become one flesh. Consequently, they are no longer two but one. What, therefore, God has joined together, let no man separate."
God's design is that marriage would be a permanent, lifelong, heterosexual union. However, God does permit divorce because of man's sin — not because of a flaw in His plan, but because of man's hardness of heart.
The Two Biblical Grounds for Divorce
In the New Testament, we see two instances in which God says divorce is permissible. Number one, sexual sin — I have an unfaithful spouse who has committed adultery. Number two, I am deserted by an unbeliever. Let us look at each one of those.
If you are married to someone who has been unfaithful, you have biblical grounds for divorce, and that is an option for you — but you are not required to divorce that person. I have seen God work in marvelous ways, where He has taken a marriage in which trust was broken and put that marriage back together. He is the God of the impossible.
I know — and I speak from my relationship with Susan — that the basis of our relationship is not only our relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, which is at the core of it, but also the sense of trust we have for one another. When that trust is broken, it is very hard to restore, but it is not impossible. If your spouse has been unfaithful, you have the biblical right to divorce, but you do not have a mandate. It is not mandatory. You have a freedom there.
Desertion by an Unbeliever
Regarding desertion by an unbeliever, I have been in situations where I meet with someone to talk through their circumstances. They are a Christian, their spouse is not, and the spouse has been faithful. The marriage is not particularly good, but the spouse has been faithful, and they want to know what their options are. They cling to this category of desertion by an unbeliever.
What is often going on in the back of their mind is this: "I will make this marriage so bad that this unbeliever will blow right out of here." You do not have the freedom to do that. If that partner wants to stay with you, you create the most loving and peaceful environment you can. But if that partner says, "I want to go," then you are free.
The Freedom to Remarry
**Principle four: remarriage.** Remarriage is allowed for the faithful partner only when the divorce is on biblical grounds. Grace Community Church in Los Angeles has issued a white paper on divorce and remarriage, and in the section dealing with remarriage, they include this paragraph:
"Remarriage is permitted for the faithful partner only when divorce is on biblical grounds."
And then this sentence — it is a strong sentence: "In fact, the purpose for a biblical divorce is to make clear that the faithful partner is free to remarry, but only in the Lord."
In other words, if I have been the faithful partner in a marriage dissolved through a biblical divorce, I have the freedom to remarry — with this caveat: only someone who is a believer. The divorce is unbiblical —
The Sanctity of Marriage
Remarriage is not permitted unless the former spouse remarries or dies. If the divorce is unbiblical, then the path forward is to move toward reconciliation or remain in a state of singleness. Paul addresses an issue in 1 Corinthians 7 that is amazingly relevant to us two thousand years after he wrote that chapter. The basic premise we ought to cling to, before we get sidetracked by all these other discussions, is how sacred marriage is to be.
To those who are single, I hope you see the solemn call of marriage. At this church, we take this so seriously. I would suggest that, other than perhaps handling the Word the best we possibly can, it is probably the most serious charge we have.
Navigating the Hard Cases
If you are single and you can control yourself sexually, whatever the grounds are for your singleness, Paul says you are better off single. If you are married to an unbeliever and that unbeliever wants to stay in the union, you stay. If they want to leave, you let them go. If your spouse has been unfaithful to you sexually, you have the option — though not the obligation — to divorce them, and the freedom to remarry.
This is a hard topic, and you can see it in the room. Everyone gets very quiet, because it hits so close to home. The mind naturally begins to slice and dice these categories, looking for loopholes and trying to find a way to take an unbiblical divorce and make it biblical.
Obedience Over Happiness
God says to do what is right. His desire for you is not simply that you be happy. I have had — and you may find this striking — probably half a dozen men say something like this to me: "God wants me to be divorced." When I ask how they know that, the reasoning goes: God wants me happy, my wife makes me unhappy, therefore God wants me divorced. That works out logically, but not biblically. God wants you obedient more than anything else. The tougher the circumstances, the more important it is that we are obedient to the instruction He gives us, and I think that instruction is really quite clear.
Looking Ahead
On the balance of this chapter, Paul begins to deal with some of the ancillary issues and then speaks about singleness, laying out some of its advantages. We will look at those over the next couple of weeks.
Closing Prayer
Thank You for Your Son, Jesus. Thank You that He came to give us life — and that life is not just heaven, not just the absence of hell, but the fulfillment of the life You have given us to live right here. God, we pray that in these issues that are so practical and so immediately face to face for us, we would prove faithful stewards of what You have called us to be.
God, I pray for those marriages that are here today that are really hurting. I pray that You would give those people strength and a sense of contentment in You. I pray that we would always look to find our meaning and our purpose not in circumstances, not in the situations around us, but in our relationship with You.
God, I pray for those who are married to unbelievers, and yet that unbeliever has said they are willing to stay together. Rather than letting them be filled with sadness or bitterness, let them rejoice that You have provided them an environment where they can still worship and be part of the church. God, let us be faithful wherever we find ourselves. We pray this in Jesus' name, amen.