Advice on Parenting

Prompted by his daughter Sarah's wedding, Tom Shrader shares ten principles for godly parenting, grounding them in Deuteronomy 6's call to teach children continuously and Ecclesiastes 12's conclusion that fearing God and keeping His commandments is life's true purpose. He emphasizes that values are caught more than taught, urging parents to be physically and emotionally present, to model a loving marriage, and to establish early discipline with consistency. He also identifies ten common parenting mistakes — including living vicariously through children, substituting material things for attention, and holding on too tightly — and closes by encouraging parents who have fallen short to make a fresh start with God's grace.

“Fear God, understand who the one true God is, and keep His commandments — because this applies to every person. You are not exempt from this.”

— Tom Shrader

Series: Standalone Teachings

Recorded: 2004 at East Valley Bible Church

Duration: 57 min

Themes: parenting, family, discipline, marriage, children, legacy, modeling faith, grace, parent, new parent, empty nester, struggling with parenting mistakes, raising young children, father, mother, married with children

Scripture: Deuteronomy 6:4-7, Ecclesiastes 12:13, James 3

Theological Themes: deuteronomy 6, fear of god, covenant family, sanctification, biblical parenting, spiritual formation, imago dei, wisdom literature

Full Transcript

Introduction

This morning, I want to do something just a little bit different. There are what I call these shepherding moments that we have, and there are always different things that prompt them. 9-11 was one of those. On 9-11, we stopped and took an inventory. There are things that happen nationally or internationally, things that happen in our corporate life here, where we want to cast vision or make sure we are on the same page regarding something. And sometimes — and I have done this over the years — it is in my own individual life where things will happen that I know are not unique to me, but are something you will experience too, and you can benefit from just thinking through them.

We had one of those moments. Friday night, Sarah got married. It was a great time, a great celebration. I really wish there was some way we could have had all of you there, but that was impossible. We came over to the conference center for the reception and had a terrific time. Many of you prayed for us, many of you volunteered and worked that night, and I want to thank you for all of that. It was a great night.

But it was also a significant time. It is not just that Sarah got married — this is it. Both girls are now gone. And so I want to talk to you about that.

The Wedding Video

What I want to do to set this up is show you the video that the kids put together for Friday night. I did not see it beforehand — they put it together and we were not involved in that. I share it not in some self-serving way. I know that when I go to a wedding, a funeral, or an event and they put a video up, it immediately pulls me into that person's life, even if I do not know them at all. I have been to funerals where I am a total stranger, and they start these videos, and I begin to be emotionally pulled in because I relate my own life to what I see on that screen. That is what I want you to do.

*"We met in such a friendly way, your voice the sweetest ever, your face a lovely rose bouquet. I felt like I've known you forever. That caused my heart to skip a beat, not for more facial beauty. My soul was captured by your purity. It was your sweet spirit that drew me. I know now that somehow God brought us together and since you came I am not the same, no. Life couldn't be better. I have a feeling I've not felt before and I want to be with you each day more and more. I know now somehow, oh yeah, God brought us together. Sometimes I don't know what to say, but talking to you is easy, though we can't be together each day, my longing for you keeps increasing. Sweet thoughts of you now fill my heart, I could forget you never. And if there's a time we would be apart, our Lord would bring us together. I know now that somehow God brought us together and since you came I am not the same, no. Life couldn't be better. I have a feeling I've not felt before and I want to be with you each day more and more. I know now somehow God brought us together. I know now that somehow God brought us together."*

As you watch something like that, you do not get swept away only in who they are — you start to see things from your own life.

Advice on Parenting

So here is the title for today: Advice on Parenting. The last time I talked about this, when Hayley got married, I called it Reflections on Parenthood. But now that I am done, I am an expert, so it is advice.

Here is what I know about how you will listen this morning. You will listen with the intensity with which you perceive this to be important to your life. If you are a young family with young kids, you are going to be listening very closely. If you are past this stage and do not think you need it, you will listen with less intensity. Maybe you are a grandparent, or maybe you are one of those younger people saying, yes, this will happen for me someday, but we are the exception — we are different.

I want you to know that I believed my family car would be a Corvette, if that helps you at all. You are not the exception. This is the way it is. You are not going to break this cycle — this is the way it is designed to be, and you need to listen closely. It is just like being on an airplane. If you are sitting on the runway waiting to take off and the flight attendant says, "Let me give you these basic safety rules," nobody is listening — nobody on the whole plane is listening. But if you are at 30,000 feet and she says, "If you look out to the left, that engine is on fire," all of a sudden every hand goes up and everyone is listening closely, because now it is urgent and personal.

As Christians and as human beings, you are also going to have almost endless opportunities to talk about parenting. The things we are going to discuss this morning are important to keep handy — whether in a Bible, in your mind, or somewhere accessible — so that you can share them with others. This is not an all-encompassing list, and I understand that completely. There are things you can add to it and improve upon. But hopefully it will be helpful. Those are the ground rules for the next forty minutes.

Parenting Is the Toughest Job in the World

Here is the first thing. I honestly believe that parenting is the toughest job in the world. I do not say that because it is what you are supposed to say — I say it because I believe it. And the reason it is so difficult is that you are never off duty.

You Are Never Off Duty

You are never on call — it is 24/7. It is absolutely relentless. There is never a break. And if I could add to the excessive pressure you already feel, let me remind you that these are not even your kids. They are God's kids that He has entrusted to you. God is going to judge you on how you handle this.

These kids, especially when they are young, are going to test you and challenge you, and they are going to pick the place of the test and the time of the test. I can pretty much guarantee you it will be inconvenient and it will be public. That is how they do it, and they know it instinctively.

The Showdown at Grace Community Church

Sarah was four years old, which was about twenty years ago, which made me thirty-four. I had just finished teaching a class on parenting — how foolish is that — at Grace Community Church. We were done, standing right in the center of campus where everybody walks, and we had come in two separate cars for some reason.

I said, "Haley, you go with your mom. Sarah, you come with me." Sarah said, "No." I said, "Okay, Sarah, give me your hand. You go with me." "No." I already violated a basic principle right there: delayed obedience is disobedience.

I see this somewhere else now, and it must be the new approach because I am starting to see it pop up. A parent says, "Biff, come over here right now." The child says no. Then the parent starts counting: "One, two, three, four, five." What is that? The way it is supposed to work is this — "Biff, come over here." "No." One. And that is the end of it.

Back to my story. I said, "Sarah, you come with me." "No." I spanked her. A little crowd began to gather. I said, "Sarah, you come with me." "No." I spanked her again. She is crying, and things are just unraveling. I said, "Sarah, you come with me." "No." I need to pause right here and tell you something: she is just like her mom.

I came back and spanked her again. Then I said, "Sarah, give me your hand. You come with me." And she put her hand up, and I took it, and I was so happy to see that hand, and away we walked. That was her Gettysburg. She made her charge, and she lost. We never had another problem with her after that. But I will tell you — if that confrontation had ended differently, we would have had to go through it again and again and again. That is what makes this job so difficult.

Take Control Early, Then Loosen the Reins

Here is the second principle: take control early, and then you can loosen the reins. When our girls were small, because we were moderately high profile, people were watching us. Several of them said, "You are too strict with your kids." Now, before you think you need to call Child Protective Services — I probably spanked Sarah four times in her entire life and never spanked Haley once. But we were very strict.

Here is a fairly old-fashioned idea: you put boundaries up, and everyone stays within them. If a child came out of those boundaries, there were consequences — something was lost. And I will be honest with you, I do not like rules. The staff here at the church will tell you I hardly make any rules, because if you are going to make a rule, you need to enforce it. But with kids, they need those boundaries. Even the experts will tell you that children are actually craving them.

Once those boundaries are established, you can let them enjoy life as they grow. I know I have said this before, but we had two relatively normal, good-looking teenage girls, and we never had a set rule or a curfew in our house. We tried to use common sense instead.

They would come in and say, "We are going out — what time do you want us home?" I would ask where they were going. If they said they were going out for supper, I would tell them they should be home by nine. They would push back: "Nine? Everyone else has an eleven o'clock curfew." We would negotiate, and we would land somewhere reasonable. Then two nights later they would come in with a different plan — a basketball game, then the boys shower, then dinner, then a movie that starts at eleven-thirty. I would say, "How long is the movie? Two hours? Be home by two." To me, that made perfect sense.

Now, I want to be clear when I say no rules and no curfew — I am not telling you to do this. It may be that if you are looking over and thinking you want to copy it, the character your children have developed is not yet at the level Sarah and Haley were at. The girls were never late. They simply understood how it worked.

Some of you who were telling us we were too strict are the same ones who named your kids Sky or Ocean or Waterfall, and who said you would never punish them and thought every behavior was adorable.

Letting Your Kids See a Godly Marriage

Let them experience the security that comes from seeing a godly marriage. Your kids are around kids all day long whose parents are getting divorced, and that divorce is producing insecurity in your children. They need to hear from you how much you love one another and how you will never put them through this.

Let me plead with you, because there may be somebody here right now saying it would be better for the kids if we were apart. No, it wouldn't. It would be better for your kids if you loved the Lord, loved each other, and stayed in that relationship. I deal with people who are 30 and 40 years old who still talk about the pain of their parents being divorced.

Let them see you love one another and care for one another. Susan and I would be down on the ground wrestling, and I'd be kissing her, and the girls would be watching, going, "No, no, no." Then they'd turn around and say, "Kiss her, Dad, kiss her, Dad." There is something about it that is reassuring and comforting. I would say to them, "You know what? I'm never going to leave her." She would say, "I'm never going to leave them." There is something deeply important about that.

It is amazing that we can be sitting at a table with a bunch of strangers having dinner and say, "I don't mean to inconvenience you, but could you pass the pepper, please?" Yet at home, with the people we say we love most, it is, "Give me the ketchup. Aren't you done with that pepper yet? How long does it take?" How is it that we show such courtesy to total strangers and yet withhold the most common courtesy from those we say we love most?

These kids are watching you like a hawk. If they see you acting one way out in the world and another way at home, you are a hypocrite bigger than Dallas. They watch it.

Making the Best of Your Situation

Here is the fourth thing: make the best of your situation. Not everybody is raised in an ideal situation. We used to say not everybody had Ozzy for a dad — and we mean Ozzy and Harriet, not Ozzy and Sharon. Not everybody had this idyllic, Leave It to Beaver household.

I can own this personally. People have said to me, "Well, you had that little Leave It to Beaver world." Let me help you out: we created it. It was deliberate. It was by design. And you can, too.

Now, some of you have blown it — just flat blown it, for whatever reason, and you are further down the road. What do you do? You have to make the best of the situation you are in. You are going to have to sit down with your kids and say, "I was wrong. I messed this up. I have not been the dad I should be, the mom I should be. We love the Lord. We have come to Him." Maybe you just got converted. And you are going to say, "From this day forward, I am going to be the dad, the mom you needed me to be — and unfortunately, I am also going to expect you to be the kid you are supposed to be. It is going to be a little difficult for a while, but this is how it is going to work."

I know how some of you feel already. Some of you have a knot in your gut right now, because I am not talking to the worst parents in the world — I am talking to good parents, and the guilt just oozes out of them. This is not about reliving the past. We cannot do that. It is about this day forward.

Some of you are single parents. It does not get any more difficult than that. And you frequently say — and it is inaccurate — that you are raising this child alone. You are not. You have the Holy Spirit and the power of God in you. As you obey, God is so gracious and so merciful in so many of those situations.

There Is No One-Size-Fits-All Approach

Here is the last point on this topic: there is not a one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. We have something we teach on campus called Growing Kids God's Way, and it has great content in it — it is worth taking. I do have to say, though, that I dislike the name. It is an unfortunate name, because it implies that anything other than what is in that curriculum is not God's way, and that everything in it represents God's definitive view. I am not sure, for instance, that God has a specific position on breastfeeding, though that subject proliferates throughout the curriculum.

There is great material in there, and we endorse it and encourage it — I just do not like the name. The point is this: find biblical principles and grab them however you can get them. I do not care how you get them. Get them and implement them into your children's lives. There is no formula where you simply do what Tom and Susan did with Sarah and Haley. It comes down to common sense, hard work, and biblical principles.

Here is an example of where there is no single right answer: schooling. Someone just last week asked me what East Valley Bible Church's position is on schooling — where should they send their kids? We do not have a position. We sent our kids to Christian school. Would I do it again? I honestly do not know. Each option has a downside. One downside to Christian school, for instance, is a false sense of assurance — every child had to give a testimony to get in, but that does not mean that every kid there is walking with the Lord.

Choosing the Right School for Your Children

We used to tell our girls, "You're in a mission field. You be the Christians in that Christian school." Especially as they got into high school, it was a great opportunity for them to defend the doctrines of grace in an environment that allowed them to talk about these things. But there is a downside to Christian schooling.

Public school has great teachers — terrific public school teachers who may even be in this room right now and certainly attend this church. But the system itself is based on the idea that there is no God. It is very secular in its nature, and if it talks about God at all, the conversation gets complicated quickly. We got into the discussion a couple of weeks ago about prayer in school. I said I do not need prayer in school — why would I want a pagan leading my child in some prayer that a lawyer wrote? Let them pray on their own.

Homeschooling has advantages, but there are disadvantages as well. One I frequently observe is a mindset that equates a compliant child with a converted child — yes sir, no sir, and the moment you are gone, an entirely different story. Do all homeschooled children tend toward isolation? Not all of them, but they do tend in that direction. It is not uncommon for us to say to a junior high homeschooler, "Bring your unbelieving friends," and hear back, "I do not have any unbelieving friends." At twelve, thirteen, or fourteen years old, a young person ought to have unbelieving friends to share their faith with.

Every option has its downsides and its upsides. Here is the reality: I have raised my children, and I am done. This is your responsibility. You know your children, you know what is best for them, and if God has convicted you toward a particular path, then follow it. Pray about it and go where He leads.

Teaching Children What Is Truly Significant

The world and everything around your children is teaching them that what is truly significant is money, fame, prestige, or power. Periodically, one of those rich, famous, prestigious, powerful people will say they want to give back — save a whale, do something for others. We were at home last night, and it just so happened that both of our daughters were there along with their husbands and Ty's dad. Sarah said, "Who cares about this game? What difference does it make? It is not going to change anybody's life." Her point is well made — it is a game. So what is truly significant?

Solomon's Conclusion: What Actually Makes You Happy

Consider Solomon in Ecclesiastes 12. God, in His grace, allowed Solomon to live in a way that placed within one man's life everything the human heart imagines would bring happiness. Solomon had intelligence and literary ability — he wrote some of the most beautiful material in all of Scripture. He had wealth beyond comparison; take his money and put it in today's dollars, and he dwarfs Bill Gates. He was creative, an architect, a builder. He had the arts, music, literature, and — if you think sex is going to make you happy — remember what Solomon had: 700 wives and 300 concubines. One thousand women were there for one reason: to make him happy. They did whatever he wanted and even tried to anticipate his needs.

At the end of his life, Solomon does not say it was literature, or the arts, or wealth, or sex. Here is his conclusion after everything has been said, heard, and lived: "Fear God and keep His commandments, for this applies to every person." This is universal. No one is exempt. Fear God — understand who the one true God is. In our context, that means understanding who Jesus Christ is and coming to Him in repentance and faith.

What You Believe Affects How You Behave

How will you know if you are converted? You will begin to keep His commandments. "If you love Me, you will keep My commandments." What you believe affects how you behave — it really is that simple. If you go home today and find a stock that closed at five dollars on Friday, and you believe it will be worth twenty-five dollars by next Friday, what are you going to do? You are going to buy it on Monday, because what you believe affects how you behave.

If you are saying Jesus is Lord but there is no physical evidence of that in your life, then we have to go back to square one and consider whether you are truly His at all. Because if you were His, what you believe would affect how you behave.

The Fragility of Life and the Brevity of Urgency

This troubles me a little. After September 11th, everyone came rushing into church. Do you remember that Sunday? This place was packed. The next week, a few fewer people. Two weeks later, everything was back to normal. Church attendance across the country is now actually lower than it was before September 11th — we are worse off than before. The reason is that we had this enormous event, we survived it, and the conclusion many drew was that maybe they did not need God after all. Others said it reminded them how fragile life is. But are you not reminded of that every day? Do you not read the newspaper or watch the news?

You Can't Teach What You Don't Know

Why do you have to be reminded of it again and again? Here is exhibit A — the man who has everything you think will make you happy. And he says, "I'm telling you, it's none of that stuff. It's fear God and keep His commandments."

Here is the next thing, and it is obvious: you cannot teach what you do not know. Periodically someone will come in and say, "It's really great to be here. We'll be getting plugged in." When asked how they found the church, the answer is something like, "We were driving by, and we just reached a point where our kids need religion. They've reached that point where they need some religious influence." Really? You don't need that? So apparently you only need it to a certain point, and then you outgrow it — it's just for kids. That is a strange thing.

What they are really saying is they are starting to feel life closing in around them, and they do not know what to do with this one area. So the thinking is: maybe if you come in for an hour a week, get a verse or a little something to throw on the kids, we'll handle the rest. But what they need is that truth twenty-four, seven.

What Deuteronomy 6 Actually Requires

Here is what Deuteronomy Chapter 6 says: *"Hear, O Israel, the Lord is our God. The Lord is one."* There is one true God, and you shall love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your might — an unrestrained, unreserved, wholehearted commitment. And these things that He is commanding you today will be on your heart. You will think about them night and day, meditate on them, and then teach them diligently.

When do you teach them? When you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, when you rise up. In other words, it is lifestyle. It is a constant thing.

One of the magnificent things I watched Susan do was turn the whole world into a classroom for our kids. It did not matter where they were — at the store, walking down the street, swimming, at Sea Ranch, at the beach. She was teaching them all the time. They would be driving down the street, see a car wreck, and she would say, "Let's stop and pray. Let's pray for these people. Let's thank God that we didn't have that wreck. Let's thank God for His protection."

And then we had the wreck. When you look at Sarah in some of those pictures, she is pretty skinny — down to eighty pounds, teeth missing. That was after that wreck, and she was a sophomore in high school — a pretty fragile time for a kid, especially a girl. Not one time did I hear her ask why. I would hear her in the ICU, her mouth wired shut, and you could hear her humming praise songs. Susan taught her that.

These things are caught, not taught. So you need to be there. There needs to be a physical presence — and not just a presence, but genuine engagement.

The Cost of Being Absent

This is a book called *Goldwater* — Barry Goldwater's autobiography. Since it is his autobiography, I would assume he is not being misquoted, though Charles Barkley did claim he was misquoted in his autobiography, so I suppose it could happen. This passage comes near the end of Goldwater's life, as he is contemplating one final run for the Senate.

He writes: "As casually as possible, I watched each of the children individually. I reflected on our marriage, how Peggy and I had done as parents. Whether each child, now an adult, had reached his or her potential, who and what we were as a family. The answers be reflected in tomorrow's fateful decision. My wife was always pleased when the family was together. Every laugh from our children and grandchildren brought a smile to her face. I was pleased she was happy. In looking at her, my mind wandered back through the years. There was much to remember. Peggy had brought up the children virtually alone for many years. Joanne was born in 1936, and the others soon followed. Just five years after Joanne's birth, I left, except for infrequent liberty, for four and a half years for military service during World War II."

You do not blame him for that. He goes on: "Little Peggy was born while I was in India during the war. Even after I came home, the hours at the store were long and local politics took more time away from the family. I tried to make up for this by taking Peggy and the children on camping, rafting, and photography trips. But Peggy and I were happiest alone and maybe only with one other couple that was close to us."

Then, nine pages later, he writes this: "I thought long and hard about my relationship with Joanne and Barry. Both are stubborn and headstrong, just like their dad. Both are outspoken. Yet none of this explains the distance that had increased between us over the years."

I can explain it. Go back nine pages. You were not there. They needed you, and you decided to spend more time at the store or run for president. There is a price for that.

And notice what Barry's hobby was — photography. So even when he was with them, he was taking pictures, doing what he wanted to do. I doubt he ever said, "What would you like to do?" Some kids, given the chance, would say rafting.

Being Present for Your Children

Values are caught, not taught, so you need to be there. They need you in their corner. I was coaching girls basketball, and we had just finished a game when somebody said, "Mr. Schrader, who do we play next?" I said we play the brown team, and another girl asked which one was the brown team. Before I could answer, one of the other kids said, "That's the team where none of the parents come to the game."

They are watching everybody. If you don't think they're watching you, they're watching the other team's parents. I've been to a great many of these basketball games. These kids come sauntering onto the floor doing all kinds of routines, but I'll tell you this: they know if you're there or not, and it matters. Even if they never say thank you for it — and they will someday — they need you in their corner.

It's tough being in third grade. It's tough being in fifth grade. We have a tendency to minimize that, and that's wrong. You've got to make some tough decisions. I've said this many times: there's no way, with few exceptions, that you can be successful in the world's economy and equally successful in God's economy. Both demand so much.

I wish you could build statues to all the dads and moms who had all the talent and giftedness in the world but decided to forego that in order to raise godly children. That would be remarkable. You can't be removed. You need to be there, and you need to be in their corner when you are.

A Note from a Daughter

Here is a copy of a note Sarah left for Susan and me the night before her wedding. It was there when we woke up the next morning, and she also gave me a card here at the church right before the ceremony. God is good.

I'm going to skip some of it because parts are a little self-serving, but here is what I want you to see. She wrote: "Thank you for last night and letting me be your little girl one last time. I don't know where to start, really. So much I really want to say. Thank you for all your hard work for today. Thank you for all your hard work over the past 24 years. I know I'll always be your little girl."

Now listen to this, and think about what we've been talking about. She wrote: "Thank you for loving me, for teaching me, for disciplining me, for guiding me, for watching me, for cheering for me, for being there, for loving each other, for giving me a wonderful friend and a sister, and most of all, for loving and teaching me about Jesus." That is exactly what I have been saying.

She went on: "Please know that Sarah Schrader isn't gone. There were times in my life that I hated that everyone was watching me and wanted me to be a certain way." Our girls grew up in the fishbowl that comes with being a pastor's family. Early on, we simply taught them that this isn't fair — people are going to judge you, they're going to hold you to a standard, and that's just the way life is. But God is gracious. She wrote, "Now I don't want to be anyone else. I love you both very much, and I will always be Sarah Ann Schrader. I praise the Lord for you."

Remember the weather that Friday? It wasn't the best day. Here's what she added at the bottom: "P.S. I guess I shouldn't have prayed for rain all those months ago." In the card she gave me at the church, she said much the same thing: thank you for your example, for never giving up on me — the same idea as always being the coach, always being there. And she added, "I know that it doesn't end today. It just changed."

Ten Mistakes Parents Make

Let me flip this around and take about ten minutes to go the other way. Here are ten mistakes I see parents making. Perhaps the negative approach will be helpful.

**Mistake number one: correcting your failures through the lives of your children.** I'll meet people who say to me, "If I had my life to live over again, I wouldn't do anything differently." I can't imagine how a person could believe that. I would live the last hour differently if I could. I would do a thousand things differently. The one significant regret I carry is that we didn't have more children — and that was my decision. The honest reason was that I was afraid I would ruin a son by trying to make him be something I never was: the athlete I never was, the businessman I never was, the preacher I never was. I was afraid I would try to live my own life through him.

**Mistake number two: setting standards for your children based on what others think.** These two mistakes come together closely, and what we are really talking about is...

The Poison of Pride in Parenting

There is no way — and this applies to anything, and certainly applies to the Christian life in its totality — that you can be a good parent and be selfish. There is no way that you can be a good parent and have pride. You set these standards for your kids. You want the kid to excel, you want the kid to do this. And you know how sick it is? You're so sick that you don't even want them to succeed for their own good. You just want people to say, "You must be a heck of a dad."

Sarah was probably 18 months old, and I'm talking to this guy at work. He said to me, "How's Sarah doing?" I said, "She's doing great. How's your kid?" He said, "Oh, great." I said, "How old now?" He said, "14 months — he's potty trained." I'm driving home thinking, Sarah's not potty trained. She's 18 months, he's 14 months.

I get home and I said to Susan, "We got issues. We got problems. We got real serious problems." She said, "What's the problem?" I said, "She's 18 months and not potty trained, and this guy's kid is 14 months and he's potty trained." She said, "There's nothing wrong with her." I said, "There's something wrong. She's 18 months, Susan, and she's not potty trained. You better get her to the doctor."

Then Susan had the ability to do this. She said, "Tom, let me ask you a question. Is there anyone in your office that you're working with that's not potty trained?" I said, "Well, there's this one guy I'm not sure about, but I guess no." She said, "Relax, Tom. She'll be fine. She's going to be potty trained. It's not a big deal. Why do you even care?" I'll tell you why I care: pride.

In first grade, they take the Iowa Basic Skills Test. That summer, we get an envelope. I open it up, look at it, and my hands begin to shake — she is basically average. I had to sit her down and say, "I got some news here. This is not good. According to this Iowa Basic Skills Test, you're average. Now, that comes from your mom's side of the family, so we can work through this. There's a chance. There are possibilities." Why do you care about the Iowa Basic Skills Test? I've been around a lot of men, and when they're not lying, it's all the same thing: we want these great things for our kids not even for their own benefit, but for our own ego. It's sick.

Failing to Provide a Biblical Model for Marriage

Here is a third failure: not providing your kids with a biblical model for marriage. There is no "marriage for the new millennium." I saw a book with that title a few years ago, but it's the same as the old millennium. Marriage has not changed.

At Sarah's wedding, I took some personal time with her. I said, "I've been your dad. I'm the man in your life — I'm not anymore. He is now. He's the guy. You are to submit to him." I told her that even if he gives her advice and she comes to me and asks what I think, and I forget to ask what he said and I give her different advice, he's right and I'm wrong — because he is her man. He's the one God has placed over her. If she doesn't submit to him, she's not submitting to God. That's God's chain of command. He's going to sin, and he's going to make mistakes, and he's going to do stupid things — but she submits.

And I said to him, "You've got to love her even when she's unlovable — and she can be that way, so you better understand that." That's God's plan.

Substituting Material Things for Attention and Love

The fourth failure is attempting to substitute material things for consistent attention and love. Here's the big, dark secret that nobody will admit: it is easier to be a CEO of a multinational corporation than it is to be a good dad. It's easy to bark orders — "I want that plant in London fixed. I want that stuff shipped tomorrow. I want it in Bangkok by 0800 in the morning. We're going to teleconference at 9:47. Do you understand?" Click. That's easy.

You go home and try to talk to your teenager — that's not so easy. That's a little tougher. And I've heard it from so many men: "I'm working these long hours." You're working these long hours because you want to, and because it's easier than going home. That's it, most of the time. That's just the way it is.

And then we try to substitute. We take them camping and rafting and do some photography trip — get that out of the way — and now we think we're done. But that's not what they want. They want you.

Moms Pursuing Careers at the Expense of Their Kids

The fifth failure is moms pursuing careers outside the home at the expense of their kids. Sarah dropped off a copy of Time Magazine from two weeks ago. The cover story is titled, "The Case for Staying Home: Why More Young Moms Are Opting Out of the Rat Race." I can tell you why without a study from Stanford. Because these kids understood how awful it was to not be raised by a mom, and they are not going to make the same mistake. It's that simple.

The Two-Income Myth

One of the saddest things I see is a woman in the front seat and a child asleep in the back at 5:30 or quarter to six in the morning, on the way to daycare. What makes this so tragic is that many of these women have told me they wouldn't work, but their husbands make them. Guys, do you understand the price you are paying for this?

The world tells you a lot of lies, and it is amazing how we repeat them until they become mantras. One of the great lies is that you need two incomes to survive. No, you don't. You may need two incomes to survive with two cars and five bedrooms, but you do not need two incomes simply to survive.

When Sarah and I got married, we were as pagan as could be, and she got pregnant. I was making $1,200 a month, and that was all I could make for the next year and a half. We had no money and one car. We sat down and asked what this child really needed, and two pagans figured it out together: she really needs a mom. Stop the presses — a new idea.

Sarah's last day of work happened to be the night she delivered. She worked all day, came home, made me dinner, and we got to the hospital. She was fully dilated and ready to deliver. We got there at nine and delivered at 9:22 — first baby, hearty stock. And then she stayed home.

We used cloth diapers instead of disposable because Susan figured out we would save about four or five dollars a week. At the end of the month we were in single digits — we had no money. I am not saying that to make you feel sorry for us. My point is simply that I do not buy this idea that you need two incomes. Working Mother Magazine found that 83% of mothers in the workplace say they would rather be at home. Then go home, because your children need you badly.

The Sacrifice of Living on Less

Some of you have shared how hard it is to come to church and look around at other couples who have made decisions to have new cars, both spouses working, and a lifestyle set at a pace that everyone else is watching. That is tough stuff. We went through that. We had nothing that was new. It is okay.

Using Your Words to Deflate Your Children

James 3 talks about the destruction of the tongue. I remember the day Sarah came home and Susan met me at the door, excited, saying Sarah had something to show me. I walked in and Sarah said, "Hey Dad, I got my report card." I opened it up: five A's and a B. And I said, "Sarah, how can you get a B? What are you doing with a B? I never got a B my whole time in school." I never got an A either, but I did not tell her that.

She walked out, and I thought, what am I doing? She had been home for two hours waiting to show me those A's, and I was talking about the B. Susan looked at me and said, "What in the world are you thinking?" Sarah and I clashed a lot — we are very much alike — but it was never a morning where I let it carry over to the next day, and I think the ground rules we established came from me saying I was sorry and from the love that was demonstrated.

I went to school with a kid named Kirk. From first grade on, I heard the nuns say, "Kirk, you're stupid." We all said it too — Kirk's stupid, he's in stupid math. I heard it for four years in high school as well. The last I heard, Kirk had earned his master's degree and was an associate professor at the University of Michigan. He was not stupid.

I am not handing you a list of psychological battle scars so you can say your dad never told you he loved you and that is your excuse. I am simply saying this: if all the positive things we do for our children have value, then telling them they are stupid has to be a problem.

Discipline Is an Act of Love

Another mistake is thinking that if you love your kids enough, you do not have to discipline them. God is the model here. God loves us perfectly, and yet He does not hesitate to take us to the woodshed. If you love your children, you will discipline them.

Let me tie this together. When you are parenting out of guilt because you are not there and you are not giving them what they really need, you also become unwilling to discipline them. It all stacks up against the child.

Never Apologizing When You Are Wrong

Here is another failure: never apologizing to your children when you err. I came home one day in a bad mood after a bad day. Sarah was five years old and the first thing I saw when I walked in. I was on her, and I kept at it. Finally, when she could not take it anymore, she responded. I said, "Get down to your room. Get in that room and stay there — you are not coming out for ten years. I will bring you food."

Down to her room she went. Susan watched all of this. Our rule — and I assume all mothers and fathers share this rule — is that we never disagree in front of the children. So Susan waited until Sarah was in her room, closed the door, and came back to me. She said, "What —"

Apologizing to Your Children

She didn't do anything. I said, "You jerk, what in the world are you doing? She didn't do anything." My wife said, "You better go tell her you're sorry." I said, "Really?" So I went down. Sarah was five, sitting in her room, being tough — a little tear coming down her cheek, but she wasn't going to let me know I had gotten to her. I said, "Hey, Sarah, I blew this. I came in, I had a bad day. It's my fault. I'm sorry." She said, "That's all right, Dad." I said, "No, it isn't all right. I wouldn't let you talk that way. Your mom wouldn't talk that way." She said, "It's all right, Dad — you do it all the time."

Point Nine: Continual Exposure to Biblical Teaching

Number nine is making certain your kids are continually exposed to biblical teaching and a Christian worldview. If your kid came home in junior high or high school and said, "I don't like math," you wouldn't say, "Well, then you don't have to take it anymore. Just skip math." You wouldn't say, "You don't like history? Just skip it." But kids will come home and say they don't want to come to church, and parents give in.

I think it's a mistake not to make them be here — that's my personal view. You don't know what they're listening to, you don't know how they're going to respond, and you don't know what God is doing through a speaker or through what they're hearing. They may push back because the teaching is demanding and holds them to a standard, but keep bringing them. You don't know what God is doing in them.

The Last Lesson: Learning to Let Go

Then there is one last thing: holding your kids too tight. This is, in a sense, the antithesis of everything in the previous nine points. Haley and I were at Splash Mountain. Haley was afraid of rides — she hated going down them. Finally I convinced her to go on Splash Mountain. She was four or five years old.

So we're on Splash Mountain, and she said, "Oh Dad, I'm scared." I said, "We'll be fine." She said, "Hold me." I said, "All right, I've got you." She said, "Tell me when it's coming." I told her to watch for when she could start to see the light up ahead. You could hear her breathing, you could just feel her shaking. Then I said, "It's about another ten seconds." She kept saying, "Hold me tight, Daddy. Hold me tight, Daddy. Hold me tight, Daddy." And off we went. Afterward she said, "That's great — let's do it again!"

When they're four or five and say, "Hold me tight, Daddy," it's adorable. If they're twenty-four or twenty-five and you are still trying to hold them that tight, you are making a mistake. The whole point of parenting is that you are designed to let them go. You are preparing them to be independent of you and totally dependent upon God.

It Is Worth It

This is a difficult job, but you need to know it is worth it. It is really tough, but it is worth it — even if your children don't turn out the way you would like them to. Because you can stand before God and say, "God, I did everything the way You wanted me to. I did the best I possibly could. The results depend upon You and upon this child — they are not my responsibility alone."

I know there is a great deal of guilt in a room like this when you begin talking about these things. This is not meant to pile on. This is meant to help you resolve, from this day forward, to go forward with understanding. If you have blown it, sit down with your kids and say, "You know what, I blew it. I wasn't the godly dad or the godly mom that I should have been, but starting today, with God's grace, I am going to be. And that means things are going to change around here." You need to tell them that.

Closing Prayer

Father, thank You for this truth. Thank You for loving us enough to share it with us. God, thank You for Sarah and Haley and Susan. Thank You for all the kids and the parents who are here at East Valley Bible Church and call it their home. God, we love You. This is a difficult, difficult job, and we acknowledge we cannot do it alone. But with Your power and Your Spirit, let us be men and women who faithfully serve You. We pray that in Christ's name. Amen.