Six Principles for Fathers
Tom Shrader outlines six principles fathers should instill in their children: the principle of consequences (Galatians 6:7), authority and submission to God's chain of command, opportunity to impact others through obedience, duty to do what is right regardless of cost, significance found in Christ rather than in possessions or relationships, and reverence for God as the foundation of all the rest. He draws on the legacy of Ruth Graham as a launching point, emphasizing that every parent is already leaving a legacy whether intentional or not. The teaching closes with a direct challenge to fathers that they cannot pass on a faith they do not personally hold, and that the tyranny of the urgent will crowd out the most important investments they can make in their children's lives.
“You can't pass on a faith that's not yours.”
— Tom Shrader
Series: Standalone Teachings
Recorded: 2007 at East Valley Bible Church
Duration: 41 min
Themes: fatherhood, legacy, parenting, authority, obedience, reverence, significance, consequences, father, parent, husband, raising children, leaving a legacy, middle age, struggling with priorities, mentor
Scripture: Galatians 6:7, Romans 13:1, Ephesians 2, 1 John 5:21, Deuteronomy 6:6-7
Theological Themes: sanctification, biblical authority, fear of god, submission, imago dei, spiritual formation, sowing and reaping, chain of command
Full Transcript
The Legacy We Leave
When I heard Ruth Graham died, I went right to the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association website to see what they had. There was a tribute to Mrs. Graham on the website, and I have watched it five times. It has a little piano music behind it — just pictures of her, Billy Graham, and the kids — along with a section of tributes from people writing in and comments from dignitaries and others as well. I found myself drawn to it again this morning, and I am really touched by the impact she had on the lives of so many people.
I told you on Mother's Day that on this day I would talk to you about fathers leaving a legacy, and to me that is a perfect transition — the legacy she had, and the legacy that you will have. Let me read you Webster's definition of legacy. First: money or property left to someone by a will. Second: anything handed down from, or as from, an ancestor. One definition is money or property left by will; the second is anything handed down from someone serving the role of an ancestor.
I did not read one tribute on the Billy Graham website that said, "Dear Mrs. Graham, thank you for the money or property left to me by will." I think that aspect of legacy gets blown way out of proportion. I periodically come across men who have some money, and one of the unwise things they do with it is leave it to their kids. If the child is fifty years old and still needs your money, they are likely going to misuse it anyway. If you want to take the edge off your kids, go ahead, but the vast majority of your resources ought to be funneling into the kingdom of God, wherever that leads for you. For Susan and me, we told our girls we would help them out a little, but our money is going to East Valley Bible Church — something far more important to leave than wealth. I have been around enough of these situations to see kids fight over money, and when that happens, the most important inheritance has been missed entirely.
You Are Already an Ancestor
The second part of Webster's definition is anything handed down from, or as from, an ancestor. I never really thought of myself as an ancestor before, but that is exactly what we are — people passing things down to our descendants. In the broad sense, everyone in this room has a legacy, is an ancestor, and has descendants.
My father died — we are coming up on the anniversary, July 2nd of last year. At the memorial service there was a share time, and I was stunned. I see my dad simply as my dad; I do not see him as anything other than that. I was stunned at how many men stood up and talked about my father as their mentor. They described how they would bring him into their work, spend time with him, and navigate their decisions together. It was a wonderful tribute to him.
We had also gone home some years before for an event in his honor. All the boys came home, the wives were there, all the kids — I think everybody was there. One woman stood up and said, "Working with Jim has been such a blessing. He is so patient, so kind, so slow to anger." The next woman said, "Working with Jim has been incredible. He is so patient, so slow to react, just very kind." The next said, "Working with him has been such a treat. He is just so slow." My brother leaned over and said, "Who are these people talking about?" And I said, "Well, maybe work is a little different than home." But that slowness, that patient edge — it was there.
You have a legacy that is far bigger than you realize. On that entire Ruth Graham tribute website, not one of her children wrote a note — and yet people were writing from all over, influenced by her life. You have a legacy whether you want to leave one or not. You may sit down consciously with a will and write things out, but you are leaving a legacy right now. Perhaps a poor one, but you are leaving one. It might be called a reputation — the way you treat people, how you conduct yourself, who you are when others are watching. I have a friend who is a doctor, and I have always thought the best way to understand how a doctor is really doing is to ask the nurses. So I ask them, and the answer itself is a legacy. People look to you for input and example all the time.
Six Principles for Fathers
We are really talking today about legacy within the immediate family. If the overarching goal is to make our children independent of us and dependent upon God, then there are at least some principles I want to build around that. I have six of them.
Here is the first one: the principle of consequences. We try to teach our children that what you do today affects tomorrow. God says it this way in His Word, Galatians 6:7 — "Do not be deceived. God is not mocked. Whatever a man sows, this also he will reap."
The Principle of Consequence
One of the best sales calls I ever made, I walked in and this guy had one of those metal frames on his desk with balls hanging from strings. You would take the one ball, hold it out, let it go, and it would swing and strike the others. The end ball would go out, and so on. What it taught you is this: whatever happens here affects what happens over there. Your life has consequence to it. What you do today affects tomorrow. Life is not random or an accident.
Everything happens for a reason. That is what Oprah said — and I want to get Oprah in early today because I have a Martin Luther quote and a Jimmy Buffett quote coming in a minute, so let me get the weakest one out of the way. I do not think she has really thought that through or processed it, because it would have enormous ramifications if it were true. But it is true. She may not fully believe it, but it is true.
Life is not like a random collection of photographs — one from summer camp, one from the beach, one from the mountains, one from Fourth of July, one from Christmas. Think instead of film, like the film from summer camp we just watched. Each frame depends on the one before it and the one after it. They are all connected. What you do today affects tomorrow. You will reap what you sow.
Now here is what this means, and this is a very difficult thing to communicate to anyone. I think it is one of the keys to understanding the Christian life, and it is certainly a key principle if you can get a child to think this way. The principle of consequence demands long-term thinking and God's perspective. I have to understand how God thinks, and then I have to be disciplined enough to think that way.
God says there are consequences to what you do. Consider the simplest example: if there were no consequences, it would radically change what I eat. I could have a double cheeseburger from Sonic — ketchup only — with a chocolate mint shake to dip the burger in, and fries. I think that is an incredible breakfast. But there are consequences, so I cannot simply eat that way. Susan and I are going out for dinner tomorrow night for our anniversary, and I am already weighing what to order. If I eat a heavy piece of meat at 6:45 in the evening, that is not going to work. But telling a waiter I want a salad does not quite fit the male image I am trying to cultivate either. If there were no physical or medical consequences, I would behave radically differently — and that is just a silly, small example.
God says today affects tomorrow, and that is genuinely hard to internalize when you are thirteen. It is not very easy at thirty-three either. If you can instill in a child the discipline of delayed gratification — and that is not a popular bumper sticker — you will have given them something profound. Nobody wants delayed gratification. It does not even sound like fun. But it is the reality of how life works.
If you want to be an athlete, you have to put in the work. Think about Tiger Woods. Did you see what Tiger did yesterday after finishing a good round? He went straight to the practice range. His nineteenth hole was another hour and a half of practice. I may want to play like Tiger, but I do not want to practice — and it simply does not work that way. I want all the success in business without making the cold calls or starting at the bottom. I saw it constantly: people would look at the number one sales person and want what he had, but they did not want to do any of the work it takes to get there. If you can instill in your child a genuine sense of the principle of consequence, you will have given them a foundation for life.
The Principle of Authority
The second principle is the principle of authority — the understanding that God has a chain of command. Now, by nature we are all rebellious. Let me give you an example. A couple of years ago, when my hair was growing out, I was having a hard Sunday morning trying to get it to sit right. It was getting hot on my neck, and I thought, that is it, I am going to cut it. I was on my way out the door, fully decided, and three different people said to me, "Why don't you cut your hair?" And I thought — well, we will not be cutting any hair anytime soon. I was ready to go. If they had just said nothing, I would have had a haircut that week. But the moment someone told me to do it, I dug in.
There is something in all of us that resists being told what to do. It is like a wet paint sign — the moment you see it, you want to touch it. That is simply human nature pushing back against authority. We tend to think life is just between God and me, but God says no. He has established a chain of command: government, family, church, and work. That is how it works.
When we are with students, here is the point we drive home: the number one way we will really see if you are in submission to God is if you are in submission to your parents. If you are giving your parents a hard time, if you are in rebellion against them, if they say no and you go close yourself in your room and play hardball and refuse to talk to them for a day or two or a week — do not come to me talking about how great God is. I am not buying the act. Because if God is truly great to you, you will be in submission to your parents even when they are wrong and have made mistakes.
Your parents will make mistakes. They will get things wrong. Even when they are telling you to do things you do not want to do, sit down and talk with them. Try to reason with them. Try to explain your case. But at the end of the day, you submit.
Romans 13 makes this plain: "Let every person be in submission to the governing authorities. There is no authority except from God. Those that exist are established by God." That same principle extends beyond government. When rebellion starts pouring out of us, it shows up everywhere — including at work.
Authority in the Workplace
You walk into work and suddenly the whole organization is the problem. The home office does not know what they are doing. Nobody is pulling their weight. The guys upstairs are sitting in ivory towers. But here is the simple truth: they are the boss. That is the way it is. If you do not understand authority, you have a problem.
The greatest thing you can do to undermine your Christian witness is to go to work tomorrow and rip the organization apart. Gather around a lunch table with four or five coworkers and spend the hour complaining about the people you work for, and you are just like everybody else. There is nothing distinctive, nothing that points anyone to God. You have to understand authority, and you have to teach your children to understand it.
One of my kids challenged me on something once. They said God is in charge of this house. I said, no — God left me in charge of this house. And if you are not responding to me, you have a problem with God. It is the same principle all the way through. If I am a wife and I am not submitting to my husband, I have a spiritual problem. If I am a husband and I am not loving my wife as Christ loved the church, I have a serious spiritual problem. You have to teach your children the chain of command. Teach them to honor a position even when the person in it is making mistakes.
The Principle of Opportunity
The third principle is the principle of opportunity. You need to see — and you need to genuinely believe this yourself — that you can impact generations in a very simple way just by obediently following Him.
My favorite part of summer camp is Sunday morning. I do not know if it is the kids' favorite part or anyone else's favorite part, but it is mine. We are outside in an amphitheater, maybe fifteen or twenty rows of students seated looking down toward me, and beyond me is the ocean. On Sunday morning the sailboats are out there. It is an unbelievable sight. I have yet to be able to walk out and say good morning without the emotion hitting me, and that is not typically my style.
By Sunday morning, God has been working all week. Two things start to happen at that point in camp. God begins to work and soften some students, while others have dug in and hardened. One brings you great joy and the other brings you great sorrow, and both pull your heart apart at the same time. It is a wonderful and difficult moment all at once.
A Student's Testimony
Over the years we have developed a tradition at camp. On Friday night I share, but on another morning I have either a staff person, a student, or a dad share their testimony. I have developed a preference — now a tradition — that on Sunday morning one of the girls will share.
The girl who shared this year was incredible. Her testimony was this: three years ago, I was sitting where you are, and I did not want to be here. I did not want to respond. I did not want to sing the songs. I did not want to hear the Word. I did not want to hear about God — and He just broke my heart. It is a beautiful picture of the doctrines of grace. She was not seeking it, she was not wanting it, and God ripped her open anyway. Three years had passed, and she was still following Him. It was a beautiful testimony of how God had transformed her life.
The point of a testimony is always to be thinking about God and who He is, not to focus on the person sharing. But in the course of what she said, something stood out. She was speaking, I was sitting on the steps right in front of her, and she said she had not wanted to go to Gilbert High. She had a school she wanted to attend. Her parents told her that was not going to happen.
The Principle of Duty
Here is the fourth principle: teach your child the principle of duty — to do what is right, whatever the cost.
Imagine today if you gathered a group of people together and said, "I have an idea for a paramilitary organization I want to get started, and I've been working on a pledge. Tell me if this works: On my honor, I'll do my best to do my duty to God and to my country, to obey the Scout law, to help others at all times, to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight." You couldn't get a school board in this country to sign off on that. God, country, physically strong, mentally awake, morally straight — there's an undercurrent there people take issue with.
Here is the message: morally straight. Do what is right because it is right. Even if it doesn't feel right, do what is right because it is right, and keep doing it until it does feel like the right thing to do. Teach a child to think that we do the things that are correct, which most often means submitting our will to God and sometimes to others, and to not make everything an issue.
We used to say, "No big deal, no big deal." We need to internalize that, because right now we are making big deals out of everything — out of our rights, out of every perceived slight.
Where Have All the Followers Gone?
Lee Iacocca has written a book called *Where Have All the Leaders Gone?* One review says: "Iacocca is outraged. Now 82, he's seen the U.S. overcome some of the worst crises, including the Great Depression and World War II, through great leadership. As the CEO of Chrysler Corporation, he brought the company back from the brink of bankruptcy and worked with the government to overcome the fallout of the 1970s oil crisis. Now he says our government has fallen into the grips of arrogant ideologues and spineless detractors. Our business leaders are more obsessed with stock options and trumping each other's multimillion dollar salaries than they are with creative solutions to pressing problems like healthcare, competitive edge in a global marketplace, massive trade deficits, and the slow death of the middle class." The review goes on to note that although Iacocca presents a brutal analysis of cronyism in Washington and the abysmal situation in Iraq and failed policies at home, he is not a pessimist. With a reputation as a straight shooter, he hopes to inspire more young people to vote. It is described as a surprisingly outspoken take on the pressing need for real leadership in this country.
Do we need leaders in this country? Yes. Are most of these leaders blowing in the wind? Yes. But here is the deal — they are trained to do that by us. Somebody needs to write a book called *Where Have All the Followers Gone?* Nobody follows anymore, and you cannot lead if you do not follow.
If you are standing there saying, "I want, I want, I want," nothing works. In the last 2004 presidential debate, about ten days before the election, they gathered thirty undecided voters in a room. They were asked, "What would you like to hear from the candidates tonight?" The first man who stood up said, "I'd like to hear what they're going to do for me."
Here is the problem. You cannot have 300 million special interest groups all asking, "What are you going to do for me?" For a country to work, for a business to work, for a church to work, for a relationship to work, for a family to work, you have to be asking, "What about you?" — not just, "What about me?" There has to be something bigger than yourself.
Something Truly Radical
Now, I have no problem with whales, but when people start thinking about how to leave the world better, it is easy to land on causes that feel big but stay on the surface. Let me give you something truly radical: the God who created the world is in the process of changing the people who are in the world. The only thing that is ultimately going to matter in your life is not whether you can read — though it is good if you can — but whether you use that reading to read His Word and allow God to transform your heart. That is big. Grab that. Do not think small.
That desire to be part of something big, something radical, something great — everyone has it. But real radical change does not come from external movements or pledges to ourselves. It comes from God saving and transforming a life, one person at a time. A student taking advantage of the opportunity God drops in front of her, simply loving someone who is hurting, inviting her to a student ministry, to summer camp — and it is at that camp that God saves her. That is what God is doing all around you, all day long. Do not miss it.
The Danger of Pursuing Self-Interest
Paul, writing to the Philippians, says of Timothy, "I have no one else of kindred spirit who will genuinely be concerned for your welfare. For all the others seek after their own interests, not those of Christ." Somehow in my life, I have to understand that this is not just about me. It is not about how much money I am going to make or how much vacation I have, because all of a sudden compensation trumps character. My entire life becomes pursuing one pleasure after another.
When I address this topic in Priority Living, I have business leaders tell me over and over again, "In my company, the bottom line is the bottom line, and I don't care how you get there." Some of you are managers, and a management philosophy I have heard goes like this: "I try to get my guys in debt right away, because the more debt they have, the more need they have, and the harder they will work." That may be true. That may even make you more money. But what are you doing to people?
I had a new boss come to town once, and he met with a few of us. He said, "My strategy is to keep guys guessing, keep them wondering, always on edge, never knowing where they stand. What do you think about that?" I told him that we had said to the last leader that we did not think he loved the people enough. This is not just about the bottom line. I am a free-market capitalist, but we are dealing with people here, not numbers.
Martin Luther said it this way: believe in Christ and do your duty at the state of life to which God has called you. In other words, wherever God has placed you, you do what is right. You cannot teach your children what you do not know, so begin teaching them that you do what is right, regardless of the cost.
The Principle of Significance
The next principle is the principle of significance. It means understanding that there is something important about you — important enough that God chose to come, to live, and to die so that you would have eternal life. I find my significance not in what I wear, where I live, or what I drive. I find my significance in my relationship to Him.
This past summer at camp, we did something we had never done before, and I hope we do it again. I took the girls aside, Tim took the boys, and I simply had a conversation with them as though I were their father. I said, "I know some of you have dads who are very involved. Some of you have dads who are physically present but not really there. Some of you have no dad at all. I am going to talk to you as if I were your dad. I am not your dad, so if I say something different from what your dad says, listen to your real dad. But let me tell you something."
We talked about how to dress. When you dress in a way that draws that kind of attention, what does it say about you? What does it communicate to the people around you? It is hot where we live — 115 degrees — and scoop necklines are everywhere, so layer, girls, layer. When you dress that way, guys are not sophisticated enough to read any subtle message into it. They think you are after them, and that is not what you want to communicate.
And beyond all of that, when you are fifteen or sixteen years old, why do you need a boyfriend anyway? I would have said the same things if I had been with the boys. But I was with the girls, and I was trying to say to them: why does that guy, those clothes, that look matter so much to you? If those things are that important to your sense of self, it is a picture of a spiritual problem, because your identity ought to be tied up in Christ.
Guarding Against Idols
The last verse of 1 John — I believe it is 1 John 5:21 — says, "Little children, guard yourselves from idols." An idol is anything creeping into your heart where you are finding your identity. If your identity is cheerleading, if your identity is football, if who you are is "I am the sales guy," "I am the president," "I am the vice president," "my yacht is bigger than your yacht" — if that is where you are finding your identity, you will never win that game. You can never win that game.
My identity is in Christ, and that gives me something that nothing else can. That does not mean I need to look slovenly. I can still care about how I present myself. There is nothing wrong with that. But I do not find my identity there. If I am a girl and my boyfriend leaves me, or if I am a boy and my girlfriend leaves me, I can understand that is difficult. I have experienced that, and I can relate to the pain. But it is not devastating.
What is truly devastating is if somehow your relationship with the Creator God of the universe were severed. That is devastating. Everything else is insignificant compared to that. Being able to say to kids, "That is where you find your significance" — that is one of the most important things a father can do.
The Principle of Reverence
The last principle is not last because it is least important. It is last because it ties everything else together. It is the principle of reverence — understanding who God is, having an accurate view of Him, and loving God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.
"These words, which I command you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise up." On this Father's Day, if there is one thing to carry forward, let it be this: a reverent, whole-hearted love for God that flows from you into the lives of your children.
Passing Faith On Through Daily Life
Here is what you can give to your kids: a sense of God and who He really is. Teach them to love God with all their heart, all their soul, all their mind. I love the way Scripture puts it so practically — whether you sit in a house or walk by the way or lie down or rise up. This is a lifestyle. This is the way you live.
It doesn't do any good for them to come to church with you and see you do all the things that are good and appropriate if it doesn't match the way you live at home. There's nothing wrong with catechism. There's nothing wrong with understanding God's Word. Those are all good things. But when a kid is asked why we're here and answers "to glorify God and enjoy Him forever," it is your responsibility to take that answer and make it come alive on a daily basis.
They need to see you as you struggle. We never really hid much of our struggles. We used our heads, but if we had issues and struggles, we wanted our girls to sense that there is struggle in our life. Just because we love God and do the best we can to avoid sin doesn't mean we don't have struggle — we do, we have a lot of struggle. But that's where we see God work. He tends to work most there. I don't even know how real my faith is until I see it tried.
They need to be in there with you. Susan was the best at this. I remember Sarah had gotten the idea that we needed sunflowers, so they planted sunflowers in the back. That next morning she was out there looking for the sunflowers, and Susan said, "Whoa — this is a great teaching opportunity." Susan told her: we sow, but we don't reap for a while. We're going to have to take care of it, nurture it, pull those weeds out, keep that soil loose. Wherever they were — on vacation, walking by the beach, going to the store — Susan was constantly teaching the girls scripture through the life around them.
What You Need to Pass On
That is what you need to do. That is the legacy you have to pass on to them. What I hope I communicated to the girls is this: there are some people who have a whole lot more than you. They have more money, more beauty, more of everything — they're smarter than you, more talented than you. Some of them have a whole bunch more than you. And some of them have a whole lot less than you. But what you have is exactly what God thought you needed. You don't need any more. You don't need any less.
He gave you a job to do, and there is no way God is going to give you the job and not give you the talent, the skills, the time, and the resources to do it. So relax. How much time is wasted — and I'll go ahead and answer this on my own: a lot — playing "I wish I had" and "if only I did"? You don't. That's like me wishing I were tall. It doesn't matter. It isn't going to happen. I can't do anything about it.
I wish I were smarter. I'm not. I wish I could sing. I can't. I don't waste any time, I don't waste any thought on that. I'm not going to waste a brain cell on something I can't change. I am exactly the height God wants me to be. That is what I need to understand.
Observations Before We Close
Gentlemen, these principles are principles for you to pass on to your kids — to see God as He really is, which inevitably helps you see God as He really is, and to see yourself as you really are. I think this is something very easy to understand. I don't even think it's complicated. It is very hard to do.
Let me give you a couple of observations. You cannot pass on what you don't have. If you don't understand the principle of duty, you can't pass it on. If you don't practice the principle of consequence, if you're not pursuing delayed gratification — if you see something you want and just get up and go do it — what has the kid learned? You can't pass on a faith that isn't yours.
I've been around long enough to know that the tyranny of the urgent will rob the heart, the design, and the motive. That's what will happen. You'll say, "I'm going to do it, I promise, I'm going to do it." I say this every Father's Day.
A Picture at the Father-Daughter Tea
We were at the father-daughter tea we go to every year — we were there yesterday. All the little girls were there; the oldest was about seven. And then there was me with my twenty-six and twenty-seven year old. But we do it. It's not very masculine. Cucumber sandwiches, goat cheese — I'm not a big goat cheese and fig guy, but I'm there. It's an incredible thing, and it's very much oriented in its message toward the little girls.
The man putting it together got up and sang "Butterfly Kisses." There was a guy there I was watching. He had his five-year-old girl with him, and I can hit rewind and put myself right back there so fast. She was the cutest little girl. They brought flowers for the girls, and I could see this guy, and I was really cheering for him — because you could just tell he didn't want to be there. He was just too cool, too much of a man for this. And it takes a long time to eat cucumber sandwiches.
A Prayer for Fathers
At a wedding reception recently, I watched a father sitting there listening as "Butterfly Kisses" began to play. He was looking at his little girl, and I could tell exactly what he was doing — he was projecting himself out fifteen or twenty years. He wanted no part of what he was feeling, and the next thing I knew, the tears came.
All I could think of was that I wanted to go over to him and say, "I would love to have a cup of coffee with you." I didn't, but I prayed for him that night. I prayed that he remembered those tears on Monday morning, because when Monday morning comes, the call comes, and we are off and running, and everything begins to distract us.
This is not easy. The principles we have talked about are not complicated to figure out, but they are hard to pull off. So I want to ask all the dads and the grandpas to stand, so that we can pray for you.
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Father, thank You for these men who are standing. They have an awesome privilege and responsibility. Remind them that they cannot give away what they do not have.
Life is going to come in and zap us — it may happen as quickly as by the time we get to the car. We are going to get short on time and then short on patience. God, remind us of our thoughts at this very moment. Right now we see it so clearly we cannot miss it.
Help us think long term and be the men You want us to be. Let us be men called by You to live lives that bring honor and glory to You. We understand we cannot completely control the outcome, but we understand we are major influences on our kids' lives.
Remind us it is never too late to begin this process, and never too early. God, let us be Your men. We pray that in Jesus' name, Amen.
Have a great Father's Day. We will see you next week.