Helpful Advice for Parents

On Mother's Day, Tom Shrader steps away from expository preaching to deliver a pastoral message on parenting, offering eleven common mistakes that harm children and several positive principles to guide parents. Drawing from Deuteronomy 6 and Ecclesiastes, he emphasizes that children belong to God and parents are accountable for the process of raising them, not the outcome. He calls parents to be present, set consistent limits, model genuine faith at home, and serve as a coach and cheerleader rather than a friend seeking their child's approval.

“Just like your money is not yours, these kids are not yours. They're God's kids that have been entrusted to you, and He's going to hold you accountable, not for the end result, but for the process of parenting.”

— Tom Shrader

Series: Standalone Teachings

Recorded: 2007 at East Valley Bible Church

Duration: 55 min

Themes: parenting, motherhood, raising children, family, discipline, modeling faith, limits and boundaries, accountability, parent, mother, father, struggling with parenting, raising teenagers, young family, empty nester reflecting on parenting, grandparent

Scripture: Deuteronomy 6:4-7, Ecclesiastes 1:2, Ecclesiastes 12:13, James 3

Theological Themes: stewardship of children, deuteronomy 6, covenant family, biblical parenting, sanctification, ecclesiastes wisdom, imago dei, pastoral care

Full Transcript

Introduction and Welcome

Good morning. Great to see you this morning. Please grab the bulletin you received when you came into the room today, and we'll work our way through this.

First of all, if you are here for the very first time, we want to point out that we provided you a guest registry card, and we would ask you to take a moment and complete that card. We wrestle back and forth over the best way to identify and communicate with those of you who are new to the church, maybe even here for the first time, and we resist anything that might make you feel uncomfortable. We are not going to ask you to stand or anything like that. You need to understand that the beginning of this communication starts with you and completing that card.

As you leave the room today, there should be a gentleman or a lady by the door who have a little packet of information they would love to share with you about East Valley Bible Church. In the bulletin, in the right-hand column, right center, you will see the Getting Connected or Connect One class. The next Connect One class is next Sunday at 10:30, this very hour, in room 100. It is an opportunity for you to meet some of the staff, and then after the service we have lunch together and spend an hour or so — longer if necessary — in a Q&A time where I will answer any questions you have about East Valley Bible Church. You need to register for that so we can make sure we have lunch and childcare prepared for you.

Upcoming Events and Announcements

A couple of other things are in the bulletin. Singles, a reminder of the retreat at the end of July — details are in the bulletin. Next Friday night in the chapel is an evening of praise and worship. We do about three of these a year, and it is simply a time to come together with lots of music and times where we stop and pray.

A special guest this Friday is John Kingsley. Many of you know John — he has played guitar here and is an extraordinary guitar player who has been faithful not just in playing but in coaching and instructing others. John and his family are moving to California, and we will miss them, so we are going to feature him. The chorale will be here, the men's group will be here, and it is going to be a great evening. That is the 18th, in the chapel, with refreshments in the conference center afterwards.

Let me talk about student ministries. Today is the last day you can register for summer camp and receive the price discount. Brochures are in the lobby of both rooms, and you can register over in the office this morning to save some money. Also, a week from tomorrow — the 21st of May — here in the chapel, there will be a Parents Summit for junior high and high school parents. We want to talk about student ministries, where we are, summer camp as it is coming up, and get a lot of input from you.

One last thing on student ministries: gentlemen, if you are interested in being a crew dad, it is an interesting position. You go and serve, you take vacation time, and we do not pay you — so it is a great spot. God has transformed lives through the crew dads, and if you are interested, the meeting is next Sunday up in room 210 at one o'clock. Talk to some guys who have served on the dad's crew, and you are going to come away saying it is just a great experience.

You will also see in the bulletin a list of gentlemen who graduated Friday night from the training center, along with a brief bio about each of them. There are three or four other churches represented, and God has really used the training center in a significant way over the last three years. We are grateful for what He has done and grateful for this list of men. This is something Chris Mueller spearheaded during his time here. I had lunch with him Friday — he is doing well and sends his best. God has used Chris in a significant way here, and now over in California, and we are grateful for that.

Prayer Needs and Community Ministry

Let me mention two other things that are not in the bulletin. When I left this morning, I received an email from Mary saying that Jim McBurney — some of you know Jim and Jan McBurney — has been sick for a while and was on call for a liver transplant. He only went on the list two weeks ago, but we got a call last night at 4:30 that there is one ready. He is up at Mayo right now in surgery. Please be praying for the family and the doctors. My sense is that if a liver became available, there was probably an unexpected death, and I would encourage you to be praying for that family and the hurt, pain, and suffering they are experiencing as well. Those are tough things, as you know.

Lastly, there is a new organization called the Pregnancy Care Center of Chandler, located over on Alma School, not far from Planned Parenthood. I do not know a great deal of information about the organization, but I do know that the two or three people I know who are involved are quality people from our church. They have a walk-a-thon next week.

Mother's Day Acknowledgment

After the service, if you would, please go out into the courtyard and see if there's a way you can help with the Walk for Life. It is a fundraiser for what I'm sure is an incredible organization. It is one thing for us to take our pro-life stand as we do. We love organizations that are out there saying, "We're pro-life — let us see if we can help you when you're in the midst of that situation." Joan Maloof and Jack are out there, so you can stop and visit them.

Now let's talk about Mother's Day. Every year on Mother's Day and Father's Day, we take a few minutes to state the obvious: we are so grateful to those of you who are moms and grandmas who are here today, and we recognize the ministry that God has given you. It is an important ministry. Someone told me today there are just over 10,000 mothers currently deployed in Iraq, which is an interesting thought to sit with as well.

Being a mother is something I know nothing about from firsthand experience, and a great deal about from observation. I admire you, and we love you, and we are grateful to you. We traditionally ask the moms and grandmas to stand so we can acknowledge you and pray for you.

Father, thank you for this group of women who are standing. You gifted them with the gift of physical life for young boys and girls. It is a task that is huge in its importance, and we thank you for these ladies who stand before you now. Probably some of them are thrilled with how things are going; others may even be in the midst of struggle — all of them genuinely loving the gift that You have given them.

I thank you for these ladies who have tackled an enormously important job and task. God, You have gifted them for that task, and we thank You for that. We pray that they feel encouraged, that on this day they would accept our acknowledgment, our recognition, our love, and our thanks for the job that they perform with love and grace and mercy. As they succeed, we pray that they would give You the glory, and as they struggle, we pray that they would not become overwhelmed and discouraged, but that they would turn to You for strength and encouragement and love. God, thank you for these ladies. We ask Your blessing on them in Christ's name. Amen.

A Story from Home

Yesterday, Susan and the girls were hosting a baby shower at our house, so my responsibility was to get out — and so I did. As I was leaving, Hayley had arrived early, and the three of us were standing in the kitchen together. I asked, "How's Brayden doing?" Hayley said he was doing really well. She said that every morning at breakfast, when he finishes his breakfast bar or something he really likes, he begins whining because he wants more.

But she said that this particular morning, Tyler was feeding him, and when he was done, Brayden simply said, "All done, all done." And she said, "I could just smack him right in the head — he is so different." She had been watching Tyler with them: they play hide and seek, they run around, and sometimes it just gets to her a little bit.

Susan said, "You know, that's what it was like with you girls." She said that when she would drive home at night and the girls were young — and this went on for a long time — they would be sitting outside waiting for her to come home. It was, "Daddy, play with us, Daddy, love us, Daddy, wrestle, Daddy, do this." And Susan would say, "It's just not fair. I spend all day saying no, no, no, and here you are, and all of a sudden you're their buddy."

I understand that reality. Being the one who is around all day, and in many ways being the primary person saying no — I know that is tough. I admire you ladies greatly, and we appreciate so much what you do and how important it is.

Introduction to the Parenting Series

Normally this is where I would say, "Open your Bibles" — but you can close them today. I'm going to use Mother's Day and Father's Day to talk about parenting. I haven't addressed this topic in three years, so I want to take today to share some general reflections and observations, and then on Father's Day, June 17th, I want to talk specifically about inheritance and what you can leave your kids.

Interestingly, I had three separate men this week ask me, "How much money should I leave my kids?" That was the gist of each conversation, which struck me as a very telling question. So today the focus will be general observations about parenting, and on the 17th we will turn to the question of inheritance.

I have about eighteen points today. You are welcome to write them down, and I have also put my outline in Karen's box with a note asking her to post these on the website as quickly as she can, so you should be able to find them there tomorrow if they are worth having.

Why Parenting Is a Difficult Topic

Let me make one general observation before we work through the points. Over the years I have learned that when you talk about parenting, it is a very difficult topic that generates all sorts of reactions, and I think there are some reasons for that. There are lots of theories and opinions about it, and everybody seems to have a view. There is no one singular, monolithic family — every family really is different. Their desires are different, their makeup is different. It is no longer Ward and June and Beaver and Wally. It is not this monolithic picture of two biological parents in a single household.

The Weight of Parenting

This topic is more and more difficult as we see, in some instances, single parents or blended families. What makes it the most challenging to talk about is that inevitably when I talk about parenting, I see a ton of guilt and fear. I see a lot of people who, the minute we talk about parenting, are riddled with guilt, and that is not my intention today. My intention is to be helpful and encouraging, and in some cases to really offset some of that guilt.

The other thing I see in parenting is a lot of fear. I see a lot of parents — especially people like me, who were converted later in life after a particularly wild life — often parenting out of fear. In other words, they know what they were like, and they are determined to make sure their kids do not become that, and that complicates parenting as well.

I want to start with one overarching truth, and this is really important: just like your money is not yours, these kids are not yours. They are God's kids who have been entrusted to you, and He is going to hold you accountable — not for the end result, but for the process of parenting. Just as the focus in evangelism is not whether a person responds but whether we proclaim the truth, in parenting the process is what matters.

Eleven Ways to Ruin Your Kids

Because some of you may have this desire, I want to start with eleven things you can do to ruin your kid. These are eleven things you can do — if you do them, you can screw your kid up. They are in no particular order, though I placed them in an order for some reason, and the first one particularly resonates with me, so perhaps this is my issue.

**Number one: you can really mess your kid up if you try to live your life through them.**

We have two kids, two girls — Sarah, who is the oldest, and then Haley. Every time I talk about parenting I feel a little funny, in the sense that we never had a problem with either child, and that is entirely due to God's grace. Humanly speaking, I think it is due to Susan. We never had an issue — not even much of a slight issue.

And in spite of the fact that we had two wonderful kids, I did not want any more. Susan and I talked about it, and we stopped at two. I regret it. I wish we had more kids, but we do not. One of the reasons we stopped is that I was afraid we would have a boy, and I did not want a boy. All I ever wanted was girls. The reason I did not want a boy is that I was convinced I would screw him up, because I would try to make him be everything I was not — the baseball player I was not, the speaker I was not, the musician I was not, whatever it was.

People are relatively easy to understand in that we are driven by pride, and most of our bad behavior can be attributed to it. I was fearful that my pride would kick in. Looking back now, I think I could have raised a boy, but I also know how vulnerable I was.

When Sarah finished first grade, they took the Iowa Basic Skills Test. There is a wonderful story about a boy named Tyler, who loved school but one morning woke up crying and told his mom he did not want to go. When she finally unpacked it, he said, "We are taking the Iowa Basic Skills Test, and I don't know anything about Iowa." Sarah took the test at the end of first grade, and about two or three weeks later the results came. I opened them up, and in virtually every area she was average. There were a couple of little spikes, but almost all of them were average, and it absolutely devastated me.

I had to sit down and think about what to do. I did not sit down with Sarah and tell her she was average — though I am not proud of my first instinct. What I discovered in that moment, and have subsequently relearned from parents all over, is that parents rarely even truly want what is best for their kids. They want what would be good for their kid so that either their own life will be easier as a parent, or so that people will think better things of them. That is what so much of it is really about.

Tyler's dad is giving hitting lessons to seven-year-olds. What can you say to him? There is nothing to teach a seven-year-old at $75 an hour. That child is not going to become whoever the parent imagines — an Albert Pujols. Pride drives so much of it. Let your kid be your kid.

**Number two: you can really mess your kid up if you refuse to fulfill your God-given role.**

Moms should be moms, dads should be dads, and husbands and wives should be husbands and wives. To allow your kids to see what a godly mom looks like, what a godly dad looks like, what a godly couple looks like — one of the greatest things you can do for your children is to love one another.

**Number three: you can really mess your kids up if you give them stuff instead of consistent love.**

Let me read from an article in Newsweek magazine: "Despite their good intentions, too many find themselves" — speaking of parents — "raising 'wanting machines,' who respond like Pavlov's dog to marketing that's aimed right" —

The Danger of Overindulgence

Even getting what they want doesn't satisfy some kids. They want more. A growing number of psychologists, educators, and parents think it's time to stop the madness and start teaching kids what is really important — values like hard work, delayed gratification, honesty, and compassion. Consider this observation: saying no is harder when you can afford to say yes. That pretty much nails our demographic.

Kids who have been given too much too soon will grow up to be adults who have difficulty coping with life's disappointments. They develop a distorted sense of entitlement that gets in the way of success both in the marketplace and in relationships. Psychologists say parents who overindulge their children may actually be setting them up to be more vulnerable to future anxiety and depression.

I learned in parenting very quickly that one of the most useful tools I had was the word "no." I watch Haley use it with Brayden now — Gracie is still a little young to understand it, but Brayden gets it, and you can watch him respond. The operative term is consistency. It is easier to give them things, especially when you have the resources, just to get them quiet, than to say no and consistently love them.

A Lesson from the Ice Cream Shop

We were with the kids at an ice cream place I had never been to before. Along with the ice cream, there was a giant table with seven or eight stations of toppings — gummy bears, sprinkles, chocolate chips, all of that. I was sitting right next to it, just in case you run out of things on your ice cream.

There was a little kid working his mom. She had come in to get some ice cream, and he had already talked her into buying him some. She bought it, said "let's go," and he said he wanted some of the toppings. She said no. He kept asking. She finally gave in and told him he could pick one thing. He got his sprinkles, she said let's go, and then he said he wanted something else too. This went on — and I am not kidding — until you could not find the ice cream underneath everything that kid had piled on top of it.

All I could think was, that child has no boundaries. That is stuff instead of consistent love. They may seem like they go together, but they do not.

The Bumper Sticker Problem

I understand being proud of your child, but that pride ought to be almost an intramural pride — kept close to home. I do not put a bumper sticker on my car that says my kid is an honor student at wherever. No one cares. There is not one person who cares. I think it is actually not healthy for the child, and I do not understand what you are trying to communicate by putting it there.

Withholding Discipline

Here is the fourth thing that will ruin your children. Dr. Dobson says the number one mistake we make in parenting is thinking that if we love our kids enough, we do not have to discipline them. A psychologist from Temple University writes this: "Children need limits on their behavior because they feel more secure when they live within certain structures. Parents should not make the mistake of projecting their own needs and feelings on their children. As adults, we don't like it when people tell us what we can or can't do. To children, it doesn't feel that way. Children learn self-control by watching how other people behave, especially their parents."

Today's parents put in more hours on the job, and at the end of a long work week, it is tempting to buy peace with a yes rather than spend precious family time fighting conflict with a no. Anxiety about the future plays a role as well. Well-intentioned parents struggle to say no to all the sports equipment and arts and language lessons they believe will help their kids thrive in an increasingly competitive world. But these parents are confusing permissiveness with love. Experts agree: too much love will not spoil a child, but too few limits will.

The Overscheduled Family

I talk to many people, and we are going to carry on a campaign starting in the fall to try to eradicate the phrase "I'm too busy" from people's lives. We probably will not fully succeed, but we are going after it. As I talk to people and they begin to describe their lives — especially families with a couple of kids — they describe going from T-ball to ballet to guitar practice to tutoring lessons, on and on and on. My response is: why would you let your child drive you around town like that?

Here is what we used to say to our kids: pick your thing, and you get one thing. I always had one condition — I hoped it was something indoors, because I did not want to sit outside. They took swimming one time. That was the worst. If your child ever says they want to swim, just say no and offer to buy them something instead. But putting those kinds of parameters around their activities matters. It begins to build structure.

When I am around less, when I am busy, when I have the ability to pay them off, it becomes hard to say no. And children are experts at making you feel the guilt of it.

Let Your Peer Pressure Drive Your Parenting

The fifth thing that will really mess your kids up is letting peer pressure drive your parenting. Be vulnerable to the "well, everybody does it." They have this. Everyone does that. It is peer pressure that is material in its nature, but it can also just be about expectation.

I have no idea how old Sarah was at the time — she was still young, young enough that you would still give her age in years and months. I was working downtown, and somebody's daughter who was the same age was potty trained, or so he said. I was devastated because Sarah was nowhere near that point. So I came home and said to Susan, "We've got an issue here." She said, "What's the problem?" I said, "Sarah's not potty trained." She said, "Tom, she's not even close." I said, "Well, so-and-so's kid is potty trained, and I'm really concerned." She said, "How many guys work in your office?" I said, "I don't know, fifty?" She said, "Are they all potty trained?" I said, "Well, all but two, but they're older." And she said, "Tom, why do you care? What difference does it make to you? Pride? Competition? Peer pressure?" And she was exactly right.

It has been really interesting comparing the grandpa experience to the parenting experience. There is not pride driving the grandpa. I don't care if he wears diapers to high school — I genuinely couldn't care less. It is a whole different thing, and that is one of the key differences.

Never Say You're Sorry

The sixth way to mess up your kid is to never tell them you're sorry. As a parent, you are going to make a ton of mistakes — a lot of bad judgments. Some will be apparent right away. Some will be apparent later on. Some will take years to materialize. Even after today, some of you are going to have to go home and sit your kids down and say, "I've really screwed this up. It might feel too late, at least in my mind, but we're going to start all over again. I'm your dad. I'm your mom."

I came home one day, and Susan was in the kitchen. She said, "Tom, Sarah has been out here fifteen times looking for you. She is so excited to see you. She cannot wait. She's got a surprise for you. She's down in her room." So I went down, and Sarah was lying in her bed. Her bed was pushed against the window — Sarah was always redecorating her room, always moving things around. She was sitting there and said, "Dad, look at this." She handed me a report card. She had five A's and a B.

I said to her, "How could you possibly get a B? Sarah, what are you thinking? How can this happen?" And that is when I gave her the speech about how I never got a B. She looked up at me, and then a week later she said, "You never got an A either, Dad." I said I didn't understand that, but that was a whole different thing.

I walked out, and Susan said, "What are you doing?" I said, "What do you mean?" She said, "Tom, she has been waiting around here for an hour. She couldn't wait to see you. You walk in the door, she gives you five A's and a B, and you jump on her?" I went down to my office and sat there for a while and thought, this is pathetic.

I went back down, and I was crying. I walked into the room and said, "Sarah, I am so sorry. I make a lot of mistakes with you." I made more mistakes with Sarah — Sarah was just harder because she was a lot like me, and that made it a little tougher. I told her, "I just screwed this up."

You Are the Parent, Not the Buddy

You cannot withhold discipline from your children. Your job is not to be your kid's friend. I cannot tell you how many times I have to correct guys when they say, "He's my boy, and I just want to be his buddy." Well, then you shouldn't have had him. If he's your boy, you're his dad.

I always wanted my kids to like me, but I was never particularly concerned about whether they did or not. I would have loved it, but here was my goal: my goal was to be their dad until they reached the point where they are now, and maybe then I could be their friend. I will always be their dad, but maybe we could be buddies too. You have to understand — you are a parent. You are not the buddy.

The Email from a Junior High Teacher

When we talked about this three years ago, I received this email. The writer said: "I think I understood you to say you were going to talk about the importance of parents saying no to their kids. I think it was going to be this coming Sunday. If so, I think that's great and really needed. I'm a junior high math teacher, and I can't tell you how much parents need to hear this. I've been teaching for more than twenty years, and parenting skills are at an all-time low. Parents are becoming more and more permissive with their kids. As a result, those kids are getting harder and harder to teach. At parent-teacher conferences, it's sometimes hard to determine which one is the child and which is the parent. When teachers at conferences are telling students to not talk disrespectfully to their parents, something is wrong. When I know I'm going to have to call a parent about Biff's behavior, my head starts to ache. I know I will likely hear a boatload of excuses about why Biff can't be expected to behave, or that my expectations are too high for poor Biff. Many parents are just caving to their kids, and these kids are running the show. I feel like I want to get buttons made for the parents of my students that say 'Just Say No,' but I really need my job."

Apologizing to Your Children

I made a mistake, and I'm sorry. That's exactly what I told my daughter — I was wrong, I made a mistake, and I'm sorry. And this is exactly what she said back to me: "Dad, that's okay. You do it all the time." So I think she owes me an apology, the more I think about it.

I've thought about this a lot in my relationship with Sarah, because we had our moments — never big issues, just little things that were more self-induced. I was an idiot with her frequently, but I think the reason we survived that so well is that it was really clear to her, on a consistent basis, that I loved her. The depth of our relationship was strong enough to endure my stupidity. But you are going to really mess your kid up if you can't say you're sorry.

Teaching Children Spiritual Truth

Here is the seventh thing. You will mess your kid up if you teach him to be open-minded about spiritual matters. I think it's wonderful to expose kids to all sorts of reading and thought at a level they can comprehend, and to see competing ideas — that's important. But I was going to speak to a high school graduation party and simply say to the parents and kids that nine out of ten church kids, statistically, won't be going to church in five years. You can't argue with that. Many will drift back, but nine out of ten over the next four or five years will drift away.

That's why I think it's so important for you and me to make sure we are presenting not just doctrinal truth but godly lives, that we're teaching these kids about God and who He is and the truth, and that we're not just trusting them to ultimately figure it out on their own. We don't do that with food. We don't say, "Here's some Twinkies, here's some cupcakes, here's a bunch of trans fats — eat whatever you like." But I meet parents all the time, especially when their kids hit junior high and start to push back for the first time, who back off and start talking about not wanting to force this stuff on their kids. I wouldn't force it either, but even if a kid is sitting in church with arms crossed and head back, they are hearing something, and you are teaching them the importance of church.

Guarding Your Words

Here is the eighth thing. You will really mess your kid up if you don't restrain your mouth. I was out the other day and witnessed a woman having a problem with her child. She said, "You're stupid. Sit down. Shut up. I don't want to hear from you." Everything in me wanted to ask, "What are you thinking?" James chapter 3 talks about the tongue and the power of the tongue, and life and death is in the tongue. When a child hears "you're stupid, you're lazy, you'll never amount to anything" over a long period of time, they begin to believe it.

The Two-Income Myth

Here is the ninth thing. You can really mess your kids up if you accept the myth that you need two incomes to survive. It always gets a little quiet at this point, but let me be clear. I'm sure there are some people who genuinely need a second income, but I would guess that number is very few. Most of the people involved in financial counseling will tell you that most problems are not that people aren't making enough money — it's that they're spending too much. That's generally true most of the time.

When you have kids, I think it's essential that mom is home, and that oftentimes means sacrifice. Susan and I were not even Christians when we had Sarah, and common sense simply told us that Susan needed to be home. What does a child need all day long more than a mom? If you want to be discouraged, go sit in the parking lot at any daycare and watch the moms and dads arrive at 6:15 in the morning, waking their little ones up in the car, dragging their blankets and stuffed animals inside and leaving them there all day. However well-intentioned the caregivers may be, there is no way that whoever is watching that child loves them the way their mom would.

There is a huge price to pay when you communicate through your work that stuff is more important than the child. I continually tell newly married couples that if both of you are going to work, that's fine, but get yourself into a position where you are spending none of her income so that you aren't addicted to it. Because when you decide to have kids, if you're hooked on that money, you'll have no choice but to send her right back to work. It's a huge issue.

Staying Together for Your Children

Here is the tenth thing that will mess your kid up: when you have problems, just split up because it's best for the kids. I have never believed that. Let me tell you what I hear: "All we do is argue and fight. We can't get along. It's hard on the kids. What's best for the kids is for us to split up." No. What's best for the kids is for you to stop arguing and fighting. That's what's best for the kids — that's the best thing you can do for them.

I deal with 45-year-old men who are still reeling from a divorce their parents had 25 years ago. Almost every parent has had some circumstance where a child hears something at school, or overhears a comment between the parents, and internalizes it — then comes in and asks, "You're not going to get a divorce, are you?"

The Eleventh Thing

Here is the eleventh thing you can do that will really mess up your kid. Hold them—

Holding Loosely: They Are God's Kids

Somehow you have to understand that your children are not ultimately yours to hold too tightly. Susan and I figured this out before we had a Dobson book to guide us. What we decided was that we wanted our kids to be independent of us but totally dependent upon God. So we tried to make them as independent of us as we possibly could, and we tried to say to them that they are not even our kids — they are God's kids, and He has entrusted them to us.

In a way, when we would ask them how many people are in our family, they would say four, and we would say, no, really two. You guys just dropped in here for twenty years, and then you are out of here again. I don't think either of my girls ever misunderstood that I loved their mom more than I loved them. Their mom was more important to me than they were.

I stood right here and married both of them. At Haley's wedding, she was now Mrs. Tyler Johnson, and we were at that awkward point where the singing was still going on, so we were waiting. I was looking at her, and I had a flashback — as real as anything — and I went right back to Splash Mountain.

Haley was always the last one. She never wanted to go on any rides. The Ferris wheel scared her, and she didn't want to go on Splash Mountain either. She saw the logs coming out, watched people going down, heard them yell, and said, "I just don't want to go." Finally, at the end of the day, I talked her into it.

We got in line, got on, and she said, "I am really scared." I told her she would be all right. We were in that log, just the two of us, and as we came up it got dark. She said, "Oh my gosh, Dad, it's dark — hold on to me." I said I was holding on to her. Then we went over a small drop, and she said, "Oh, that wasn't so bad." I told her I didn't think that was it, and that the big one was still coming. Now she could see the opening and hear everyone screaming ahead of us. What she kept saying was, "Hold me tight, Daddy, hold me tight." I was holding on to her, and off we went.

Standing there at her wedding, looking at her as Mrs. Tyler Johnson, all I could hear in my mind was her voice saying, "Hold me tight, Daddy, hold me tight." But they are not your kids. They are God's kids. So it is not about holding them tight, Daddy — it is about raising them to be independent of you but dependent upon God.

Five Positive Things You Can Do

Those were eleven things you can do to ruin your kids. Now let me give you five or six positive things.

**Number one: remember that you are the boss.** Marcia Moritz, who founded an organization called Parent Encouragement Network, writes this: "It's almost like parents have lost their parenting skills. They want to be their kids' best friends and make sure they're having fun, but what the kids really need is for parents to be parents." It is not about whether they like you. It is not about whether you are buddies.

I spend a lot of time with men, and I hear them say, "My son and I are buds," and I think — okay, I guess — but you are his dad, not his buddy. He has friends. Let him go find friends. You are not one of them. You are his dad. Your children are going to test you, they are going to push you, and you need to set boundaries and enforce them firmly and lovingly.

**Number two: there is no one-size-fits-all parenting.** Every kid is different. People ask me, "Did you treat Sarah and Haley the same?" No. "So you were inconsistent?" Well, yes, if you put it that way — but Haley was different from Sarah. What Haley needed, Sarah didn't. What Sarah needed, Haley didn't. It only makes sense that you parent them differently.

That is why I resist the regular demands about what East Valley Bible Church's stance is on education. Here is our stance: you should be educated — go get it. I don't care where you get it. Public school, private school, home school, online — whatever works. You are the parent, not us. You figure out what is best for your kids. I have seen families where different children were doing different things, because the parents were responding to where each individual child was at that point in time.

Your parenting will also tend to mirror your personality. I tended to parent the way I would have wanted my own parents to parent me, based on who I really was. So this will trouble some of you, but our girls never had chores, never had an allowance, had no particular household responsibilities to speak of, and I actually discouraged them from getting jobs. I know that is contrary to what many of you believe, but I thought it was right for our kids.

The primary reason most people have their kids get a job is to teach them responsibility — but our girls were already very responsible. What I observed in families whose kids did have jobs was that they could not coordinate vacations, they stopped eating meals together, all so the child could earn twenty dollars a week. That did not make sense to me. But that is me. Am I telling you to do it that way?

Teaching Kids What Truly Matters

We taught our kids that their room is their room. If you want to make it a dirty pit, you make it. We couldn't care less — it's your room. One of our girls, and I won't tell you which one, but it wasn't Sarah — you could not walk into Haley's room and step on carpet. There was junk everywhere. It was a mess. There were times when I would say, "Haley, this is just ridiculous. But if you want to live this way, you live this way. Don't bring it outside, don't let it get beyond that door." You go to her house now and she says, "Well, gosh, I've got to get it clean." Haley the other day was complaining to me about the price of gas — that made me laugh.

Here is the third thing: teach your kids what is truly significant. We are studying the book of Ecclesiastes in Priority Living right now. The word Ecclesiastes means "the one who has assembled the facts." It is Solomon at the end of his life, looking back over that life. Solomon is the one man in history who has whatever it is you think will make you happy. And he says early — you cannot say it any earlier — chapter 1, verse 2: "Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless." He gets to the end of the book and says, "Here is the conclusion, when all has been heard: fear God and keep His commandments." That is what you need to teach your kids. That is what they need to catch from you.

Deuteronomy 6:4 says, "Hear, O Israel, the Lord is your God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your might. And these words which I am commanding you today shall be on your heart, and you shall teach them diligently to your sons. You shall talk about them — talk about lifestyle evangelism — when you sit in the house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, when you rise up." They are constantly in front of you.

Eugene Peterson paraphrases it this way in The Message: "Write these commands that I've given you today in your hearts. Get them inside of you, and then get them inside your children. Talk about them whenever, wherever you are — sitting at home or walking in the street. Talk to them from the time you get up in the morning to the time you fall into bed at night."

You Cannot Teach What You Do Not Know

Let me give you a few more things quickly. First, you cannot teach your children what you do not know. There is no way you can teach them to fear God and keep His commandments if you do not know what those commandments are. It will be very important for you to be growing in your understanding of God and who He is, and to let that understanding transform your life.

That leads to the next point: your actions cannot be separated from your words. You cannot talk about the importance of God and then live something entirely different at home. I have not had consistent contact with students for a while, but when I did, here is what I would hear over and over again: "My parents are one thing at church, but something totally different at home." You cannot fool your children. If you are walking around with a big Bible and talking about all the right things, but your life does not match that, they will see right through it. You will quickly be labeled a hypocrite.

Kids Need You in Their Corner

One more thing: these kids really need your support. They need you in their corner. They need you as a fan. I received an email dated Wednesday, March 28th, 2007 at 6:01 p.m. — about a month and a half ago. It was the very day I had taught on the topic of wives and what they should be. This email was from my daughter — she is 27, she is married, and she is a mother. It was actually a series of three incredible emails relating to that day's topic. Here is the last sentence: "I am so thankful for having you as my cheerleader, my coach, my fan, and most of all, my dad. I love you, Daddy."

A 27-year-old woman wrote that. When I read it, I thought, this is what a child needs. Notice what it does not say. It does not say, "Thank you for the stuff." It does not say, "Thank you for paying for college." It says, "Thank you for being my cheerleader, my coach, my fan, my dad." These kids desperately need you in their corner.

It Is Worth It

My last page has this on it: it is a difficult job — but it is worth it. I go back and forth on this. There is one side of parenting where figuring out what to do is sometimes straightforward. It is the doing it that is so difficult, and what makes it especially difficult is consistently having to deal with the same things. Saying no, no, no, no — ask your mom. And then she says no. And then nobody wants to hear another word about it.

It is an important task to understand that God has given you these children, and they are His, not yours. You will be held accountable for the process, not the end result. It is a difficult task, and to you moms in particular — especially those of you who are single moms — so much of that burden seems to fall on you. Thinking of that brief conversation with Haley and Susan yesterday: here is dad, and dad gets to have the fun, but you are there almost all the time. God is using you in a special way, hopefully, to steward the gifts He has given you.

Father's Day we are going to talk about inheritance, but between now and then, we will be back into the gospel.