Is Bitterness Blocking Your Relationship?
Tom Shrader walks through Ephesians 4:30-32, explaining how unresolved bitterness escalates from resentment to wrath, anger, clamor, slander, and malice, poisoning relationships especially with those closest to us. He identifies rebellion against God's direct and delegated authority as the root of grieving the Holy Spirit, and shows how unspoken expectations and unconfronted offenses fuel bitterness over time. The remedy, he argues, is found in verse 32: a gospel-driven forgiveness modeled on how God forgave us while we were still His enemies, which is not a natural response but a supernatural work of the Spirit.
“When I consider that I deserve hell, anything else is a pretty good day. When I consider that while I hated God, He sent Christ to die for me, how can I possibly hold a grudge against someone else?”
— Tom Shrader
Series: Ephesians
Recorded: 2010 at East Valley Bible Church
Duration: 44 min
Themes: bitterness, forgiveness, anger, relationships, Holy Spirit, resentment, conflict, grace, struggling with bitterness, navigating conflict, hurt by someone close, husband, wife, dealing with unresolved anger, long-term believer, estranged from family
Scripture: Ephesians 4:30-32, Ephesians 4:17-29, Ephesians 4:22-24, Ephesians 4:25-26, Ephesians 4:28, Ephesians 1:13, Ephesians 5:1, Ephesians 5:22, Ephesians 5:25, 2 Corinthians 1:21, John 10, Romans 8, Psalm 78:40-41, Isaiah 63:9-10, James 3:14, Genesis 4:6, Matthew 18, Colossians 3:13, Colossians 3:22, Colossians 4:1
Theological Themes: sanctification, grieving the Holy Spirit, pneumatology, gospel-driven forgiveness, biblical authority, sin nature, reconciliation, progressive holiness
Full Transcript
Context and Introduction
Open your Bibles to the book of Ephesians, chapter four. We are going to finish off this fourth chapter today, looking at the last three verses: verse 30, 31, and 32. If you need a Bible, raise your hand and the guys will bring you a copy. Go about two-thirds of the way back and you will get to the New Testament. It is around page 153, and that will get you to the book of Ephesians.
Let's read verses 30 through 32, and then we will give them a little context and really try to apply them today. Verse 30: "Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption." Two key words there in verse 30: grieved, and sealed. How do we grieve the Holy Spirit, and what does this word sealed mean? Verse 31: "That all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice." You can see all those connected together, with a kind of escalation running through them. Verse 32: "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."
Walking Worthy of the Calling
We understand that these verses sit in the context of living out the Christian faith. Paul has told us to walk in a manner worthy of the calling — that if we say Jesus is Lord, we should act like it, and there should be a visible difference in the way we live. Beginning in verse 17, he says do not live like those who do not know Christ. They are futile in mind, which means empty; they think like the world does.
He traces a progression in verses 18 and 19: they are darkened in their understanding, their hearts are hard, they are callous. Be different, Paul says, and it begins in your mind. In verse 22 he says lay off the old self; in verse 24, put on the new self. Tucked in the middle is the answer: be renewed in the spirit of your mind. It starts with seeing things differently, thinking differently, and responding differently.
This renewed mind obviously affects all sorts of behavior. Paul works through specific applications of how we interact with and deal with one another. Verse 25: tell the truth. Verse 26: if you are angry, that is fine, but do not sin and do not give the devil an opportunity. Verse 28: do not steal, but work — and as we saw last week, the reason is so that you have something to share with those who are in need. And in verse 25, the reason not to lie but to tell the truth is that we are all one body, all connected together.
Do Not Grieve the Holy Spirit
As Paul moves down this path, verse 30 feels placed there deliberately, reminding us of where we have been and insisting that our identity must affect how we think. He says do not grieve the Holy Spirit. What does that mean? This is the Spirit by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
That word sealed is one we studied in depth back in chapter 1, verse 13: "In Him you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of salvation, having also believed, you were sealed in Him." Paul uses the same word in 2 Corinthians chapter 1, verse 21: "Now it is He who establishes us with you in Christ" — the NIV says "has us stand firm in Christ" — "and anoints us, who sealed us and gave us the Spirit in our hearts as the pledge." We were sealed.
In ancient times, a document would be stamped with hot wax and marked — perhaps with a signet ring — to indicate that something was authentic, legitimate, and real. It demonstrated ownership and possession. So the Holy Spirit is our seal. He is the one who guarantees and demonstrates that we are His possession, under His ownership, that He is authentic. He is the one who protects us and causes us to stand firm in Christ. He is the guarantee.
The Security of the Believer
Scripture is consistent in telling us that those who are in relationship with Christ are in a relationship that cannot be broken and will never be severed. Jesus says in John 10: "My sheep hear my voice, I know them and they know me. They follow me and I will give them eternal life. They will never perish and no one can snatch them out of my hand."
That familiar passage in Romans chapter 8 asks: what can separate us from the love of Christ? Paul lists tribulation, distress, persecution, and more — then answers that none of these can do it. He summarizes the whole passage by saying he is convinced that no created thing — and anything other than God is a created thing — none of it can separate us from the love that Christ has for us.
So if you are here today and you are legitimately a Christian, legitimately converted, you are as certain of heaven as the saints who are already there. That is not a reason or a license to sin, but it is meant to give you comfort and security, to help you grasp how great God is. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. He has sealed us.
How We Grieve the Spirit
So how do we grieve the Spirit of God? How do we, in our lives, break the heart of the Spirit of God? Two passages from the Old Testament pull out the principle, and I am not going to ask you to turn there, but we will draw from them. Psalm 78, verses 40 and 41, and Isaiah 63, verses 9 and 10 — both speak of the nation of Israel. Psalm 78, verse 40: "How often they rebelled against Him in the desert and grieved Him in the wasteland." Isaiah 63, verse 10: "He lifted them up, yet they rebelled and they grieved Him."
We grieve the Spirit of God when we rebel against Him. Here is our definition of rebellion: it is a decision to reject the direct or delegated divine authority that God has given us — a rejection of subjection or submission
The Nature of Submission to Authority
Rebellion is the decision to reject; submission is the decision to accept either God's direct or delegated authority. In our lives, we see God's direct authority clearly. God says in Scripture, "Don't lie" — when I lie, I am in rebellion to Him. He says, "Love your neighbor" — when I don't do that, I am in rebellion to Him directly. But God also has delegated authorities in our lives, and we know them: four areas — family, government, work, and church.
We will see this in a couple of weeks when we get to Ephesians chapter 5, verse 22: "Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord." And then verse 25: "Husbands, love your wife just as Christ loved the church." In both of those, He establishes a principle. When a wife submits to her husband, she is submitting to the Lord. When a husband loves his wife, he is loving her as God loves her.
So in the family, God has a chain of command. The husband leads, and the wife is in submission — meaning to line up under, to be in the right place. It is a military term, speaking of a soldier who is in proper relation to his commanding officer. It is not a "me Tarzan, you Jane" dynamic. It is not meant to be harsh or domineering, and I have seen it abused — I have seen it abused often. But that does not change the fact that it is true.
A gentleman came up after the first service and said that when he gets to the submission passage, his wife tells him: "When you're loving me as Christ loved the church, then I can submit to you." But that is not what the text says. Frankly, anyone can submit under ideal conditions. The challenge is to submit when he is not loving you as Christ loved the church. This is not about finding the loophole. The moment we hear the word submission, we instinctively want to argue about the exception.
Submission to Government and Work
The same principle applies to government. The question comes up: when do I submit? What if the government is not prudent? It is government — it is not going to be prudent. What if they waste my money? They are going to. The answer is: always, unless they command you to do something God forbids, or forbid you to do something God commands. So 99.99999% of the time, you submit. You pay your taxes. That is what Paul says. What if it is not a fair tax? Paul was paying taxes to the Roman government, the most unfair government of all. Submit. It is a decision to accept the direct or delegated authority that God has placed in your life.
God addresses the workplace as well. Over in Colossians, two books to the right of Ephesians, chapter 3, verse 22, Paul writes: "Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth." And chapter 4, verse 1: "Masters, grant your slaves justice and fairness, knowing that you too have a master in heaven." Even if you are self-employed, running the whole operation — whether it is you and two other people or you and three thousand — God says you need another box on your organizational chart. It does not go you and then everybody else. It goes God, then you, then whatever your org chart is.
I remember my first real job. I had been there two weeks and I was driving home, thinking: I do not understand how this company has survived without me. Heading into my third week, I was convinced the whole thing was a mess. In retrospect, it really was a mess — but I was young and cocky and full of myself. I kept thinking about how I was going to tell them how to restructure the company. I never had to. They fired me shortly after that, and it solved all of the problems. When I was rebelling against them, I was rebelling against God.
Submission and the Church
The same principle applies in the church, and it is astounding how few people understand authority in the church. Many treat it the way they would a shopping mall — if I do not like this store, I will go to the next one. But God has placed authority over you in the form of elders. When I am rebellious against them, I am rebellious against God.
Bitterness and Grieving the Holy Spirit
So how do we grieve the Spirit of God? It becomes clear, doesn't it? When I rebel against His direct authority or His delegated authority in my life. Some paraphrases capture verse 30 this way — The Message says: "Don't grieve God." The New Living Translation puts it this way: "Do not bring sorrow to God's Holy Spirit by the way you live." He is dealing with relationship.
He gives us the problem in verse 30 and the solution in verse 32. He says: "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice." Some translations say "get rid of all." Notice the key word — the word is *all*. Do not let any of it hang on.
Bitterness in Close Relationships
James talks in James chapter 3, verse 14 about something called bitter jealousy. It may not be an act. It may be that a person's very presence makes you bitter — they have something you don't have. You're tall, they're taller. You're smart, they're smarter. You're pretty, they're prettier. They came into life in a family with all sorts of advantages, and you've worked hard, they haven't worked as hard, they've gotten ahead. Doesn't matter. As you look at what they have, either you want it, or at least you don't want them to have it. What happens is this process of bitterness begins, and then it escalates.
It is also interesting to note that bitterness tends to take place in more intimate relationships. I tend to find anger and bitterness in closer relationships rather than distant relationships. I doubt any of you are bitter at Oprah or Bill O'Reilly. If someone is far away, even if they somehow offend you, it is easy to forgive them. It is far easier to become bitter and callous the closer someone is — a roommate, a schoolmate, someone you work with, somebody in the cube next to you, somebody in the bed next to you, a parent, a child, a neighbor. All of a sudden, forgiving becomes more difficult.
I talked to a lady this week and she made a comment that I knew fit into this lesson. She said, "I love unconditionally everyone in the world except my husband." That does not surprise me at all, because I tend to love everybody in the world pretty unconditionally except Susan. Isn't that strange? But it's true. The closer we are to people, the more opportunity there is to be offended, and the greater the expectation that they won't disappoint us.
The Mills Brothers and the Pain of Closeness
When I was growing up, my father first made us, and then led us, to listen to old music. So I genuinely love all kinds of music — a lot of big band, for instance. The Glenn Miller Story was on the other night with Jimmy Stewart and June Allyson. It's a great movie with great music. One of the groups that were alive and singing in the 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s was the Mills Brothers, and I actually saw them perform in Las Vegas. They had some great songs, but one of them had a verse that went like this:
*You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn't hurt at all. You always take the sweetest rose and crush it till the petals fall. You always break the kindest heart with a hasty word you can't recall.*
And here's the punchline: *So if I broke your heart last night, it's because I love you most of all.*
Isn't that true? The closer we are, the more we perhaps take things for granted. I don't know — it just is.
A Father's Day Reminder
It was not by accident in God's timing — though totally unplanned in mine — that we would deal with a topic like this on Father's Day. This is a day when we will inevitably see families together who perhaps aren't together very often. My suspicion is that you can apply this lesson on the way home. My guess is that you are sitting near someone who you are bitter at, or who is bitter at you.
That's the thing I think we miss so often — it doesn't have to be a huge thing. I had three or four stories prepared for today, all true, all demonstrating just how small the thing can be.
The Bread-Buttering Incident
I had a couple call and come in to see me, and I always start with the wife, because I assume the husband is somewhat oblivious to why they're there. I said, "What is it?" and she said, "No, I want him to tell you." I said, "All right, go ahead." He said, "I don't think I want to say anything." She insisted, so I told him, "Listen, we're going to go around on this for a while — you'd better say something." He said, "It's so stupid. I feel stupid." So what do we know at this point? It's stupid. I told him to go ahead and say it, that he'd feel better once it was out in the open. He finally said, "She does not know how to butter bread."
He went on to explain. She takes a piece of bread, cuts off the butter, slaps it on, and hands it to him just like that. He said it had been driving him absolutely crazy, every single day for ninety days. Once he felt free to talk, it all came out — she cuts it, she slaps it, she gives it to him, and she doesn't have a clue.
I asked him how she should butter it. The reason this resonated with me is that this is exactly what Susan does, so I already knew the answer to the question. He said she should take a little, drag it across, get a little more, drag it across — so there's butter all the way to the edges, not just a slab sitting in the middle. That was years ago, and their marriage has survived. It's laughable, right? But it drove them to take time off work and come in and talk to me. There was bitterness taking root. There was wrath. There was clamor. This is toxic stuff — but it started with bread.
Let All Bitterness Be Put Away
You have to take this seriously. It is not accidental when Scripture says "let all bitterness" be put away. He is not saying get rid of a little bit of it. If you went to the doctor with cancer and came out of surgery and the doctor said—
The Toxic Nature of Bitterness
He said we got most of it. That's very different than getting rid of all of it. Not a little bit of this — you've got to unpack all of it. That's why it's toxic. It sits in there, it simmers, it expands. The closer you get to it, the more it irritates, no matter what the other person does. So often you'll see somebody who has a giant explosion over a little thing. Why? Because it's not about that thing. It's about something else, and it's been sitting there for a long time.
Years ago there was a gas station on a corner, and a guy was getting ready to sell it at a very attractive price. We started to explore it, and here's what we discovered. Obviously gas stations have underground tanks, and those underground tanks had leaked. They had essentially poured toxic waste into the ground. To really make it right — so that the town would approve it — you were going to spend two or three times more fixing the ground than the property was worth. Bitterness is just like that. It's like toxic waste. It sits there. Everything looks okay on the surface, but underneath there's this brooding. That's the bitterness.
The Escalating Stages of Bitterness
There are grudges — "I won't forgive." It could be something as simple as buttering bread, or it could be deep sin against me, but I won't forgive. Then it becomes rage. It's passionate, you can begin to see it, the anger elevates. It's still internal — but then it's brawling. It may be verbal, it may be fisticuffs, or it may just be loud words back and forth.
But it doesn't stop there. At each one of these places we have an opportunity to stop it. But if we don't stop it, what comes next is slander. Now I'm not going to keep this just between you and me — I'm going to pull everybody else into it. I was talking to a guy at another church the other day, and he was saying they were having a little discussion in one of their departments. This is vintage rebellion, and this is exactly what God hates in the church. So this person who feels offended in a little ministry writes the pastor an email and copies 63 other people. That's slander. That's factiousness, and I believe God hates that.
When I'm in relationship — and this doesn't just mean husband and wife, it can be a pastor relationship, a church relationship, all kinds of relationships — it escalates to slander. And then to all forms of malice. At that point, I don't care what it costs. I'll even do something extraordinarily stupid. I'll suffer if it will make you suffer. I'll hurt you even if it hurts me.
How to Respond When Someone Sins Against You
So how do you respond in this process? The first thing you do is respond immediately when somebody sins against you or offends you. We get the same idea in verse 26 when Paul says, "don't let the sun go down in your anger." So I'm in this situation — somebody sins against me, somebody offends me — and you've got three options at that moment.
One is to forget it. If you can do that, that's a great option. Two is to confront it. You say, "When you said this, this is how I took it — is that what you meant? I heard you did this." Even if it is sin, by the way, you may be justifiably angry. But what was the warning in verse 26? "Don't sin in your anger. Be angry, but don't sin." So this person sinned against you — you confront it. If they don't respond, that's the end of the deal. At that point it's up to them. You forgive them. As far as it depends on you, you live at peace with one another. If they won't respond, then they won't respond.
The third option is to just stuff it — store it. That's the worst option. That's this root of bitterness. So now someone starts buttering bread, which is no big deal, but it's day one, day two — you're like the nightly news — it's day 37 of her not knowing how to butter bread, it's day 68, and it just builds and builds and builds.
Understanding Why We Get Offended
I need to respond immediately, and I need to try to understand why it is I'm offended. In the middle of all this, when God confronts Cain in Genesis 4:6, He says, "Why are you so angry? What is it that has you so bitter?" Is it telling us more about you than even them? Is all of this just revealing what's inside of you?
I get angry when my rights are violated. That's why Paul says here's your role model: Jesus, who, although He was God, did not cling to that, did not grasp that, emptied Himself of His divine prerogatives and became like you and me. So my rights are violated and I want to stand up for my rights. Or I'm just jealous — I want what you have, or at least I don't want you to have it. Or you've exposed my sin. Somehow in your response I have to respond strongly, to trump whatever your response is, because you've shown people my sin, or you've questioned my authority.
The Danger of Unspoken Expectations
I wrote this one down because it is a huge one: you have unrealized or undefined expectations. Years ago I had two guys come to see me. They were in a disagreement over their business. They sat down, and the first guy started talking. He said, "When we started the business, I assumed—" I said, "Stop. I know the problem." You assumed this would happen. This happens all the time. You assume something. You both say the same thing, you use the same words, but you have different dictionaries.
We had a couple that Susan and I had done premarital counseling for. They'd been married 60 days, and he called one Monday night and said, "We need to see you." I said okay — that's not unusual, there are little things in the beginning. But he said, "No, I don't think our marriage is going to survive." I said, "Okay, pal, it's only been two months — I think we can probably work through it." He said, "I don't know, we need to see you." I said, "When?" He said, "How about right now?" I said, "All right." So they came over, and he walked in and she was —
When Expectations Go Undefined
A couple came in to see me, and I looked at him as he walked in and could already read the situation. They sat down, and I asked what the problem was. She said, "I thought he was a godly man when I married him. He's not godly." I said, "Okay," and asked him if he was godly. He said, "I thought I was until I married her. I thought I was. I felt like I was. But apparently I'm not."
We worked through a lot of tears, but eventually we got down to the root of it — and this was partly my fault, because I had done their premarital counseling. She wanted a godly guy. He said he was a godly guy. But we never defined what that meant. Her perception was clear when she said it: "I thought we'd study the Bible together every night, pray together every night, read the same books and discuss them." He said it hadn't been like that. She confirmed they studied the Bible together maybe two or three times a week, prayed together every night, and rarely read the same books.
I said, "Okay — there are three billion women who will take him right now, just so you know. There's a long line behind you." And I learned something else from that experience, because you learn as you go. It's not just enough to have the right priorities. You have to have them in the right order. You may have a man who says these are the ten things important to him, and a woman who says these are the ten things important to her — but she has dancing as number one and he has it as number ten. She means going out dancing every Friday. He means he'll dance with her at a reception and doesn't mind otherwise. And you have tension all the way along.
That kind of tension just comes from relationship and spending time together, doing the best you can. But if you don't deal with these things — big or small — they get bigger and bigger and bigger.
The Chicken Enchilada Story
Susan and I celebrated our anniversary last Thursday. If somebody asked me to write a book on marriage, I couldn't — I genuinely don't know how ours works. It just does. But we were recalling that we never had a honeymoon. We got married on a Saturday, and knowing I wasn't going to see the best man again anytime soon, the four of us — the best man, Susan, her brother, and I — drove out to look at a place together. Then we put them on a plane, and Susan and I went back and went to work.
I came home from work that first night, and Susan had made chicken enchiladas. I said, "These are unbelievable. Can I have another one? Susan, you are unbelievable — I could eat chicken enchiladas every night." The second night, there was a fragrant aroma in the hall. I walked in and asked what was for dinner. Chicken enchiladas. I said, "Okay, these are really good." The third night, sure enough — chicken enchiladas.
I said, "Susan, when I said I could eat chicken enchiladas every night, I was not trying to be prophetic. That was a figure of speech. It was a way of saying your chicken enchiladas were good." She said something. I said something. And she said, "I will never make chicken enchiladas again." She went twenty-nine years and never made them. She's a bitter, angry woman. A few years ago she finally made them again, and they weren't as good as I remembered.
I love that we can laugh at that story, but it holds up a magnifying glass and lets us see our own weaknesses. It can happen in the office. It can be a child who has disappointed you, a parent who has let you down. It can be a little thing or a big thing — but it's in there. It's on your hard drive. How do you get it off?
The Answer Is Verse 32
The answer is Ephesians 4:32: "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other just as God in Christ has forgiven you."
I don't often hold myself up and say, "Look at me and do it this way." But I will tell you — I am really good at verse 32. I am a world-class forgiver, and not because it comes to me naturally. For a long time I lived under the old adage: I don't get mad, I get even. You cross me, I'll get you back. You may be bigger, stronger, or smarter — but somehow, someday, some way, I am going to get you. When you least expect it, I am going to jump out, jump on you, and make you pay for crossing me.
And then God saved me. One of the first things He changed was that angry heart. The reason is all right there in verse 32. He simply said, "Look at your own life. While you were an enemy, while you were helpless, while you were a sinner, Christ died for you." He didn't wait for you to ask. He didn't wait for you to ask for forgiveness.
Confronting Offense Before It Takes Root
Now, God does give us a clear process for this. In Matthew 18 — which we often think of primarily in terms of church discipline — Jesus begins with this: if a brother sins against you, go to him and show him his fault. Go to him. The idea right from the start is to confront the person in a loving way. This connects directly to what Paul has already said: lay aside falsehoods and speak the truth, because we are all members of the same body.
This is something that rarely happens, especially in the church. It is more likely to happen in business, but I don't think it even happens there consistently. Someone offends you, you let it sit, you never deal with it. It gets into your heart, spreads, escalates, and gets away from you. The next thing you know, you are in a place where you think, "I'll get you no matter what, even if it destroys me."
Instead, be kind and tenderhearted. "I can't do that." That is exactly the point. Paul is saying this is a work of the Holy Spirit in your life. There are also practical steps you can take. If expectations are unrealistic, unrealized, or undefined — define them. If someone doesn't know, inform them. If someone is rebellious, show them what God says.
Forgiveness Versus Reconciliation
Ultimately, you forgive them. Now you may not have relationship with them. Forgiveness depends upon me — I forgive them. Relationship depends upon them. So it is not at all unusual when someone asks: what if somebody has sinned against me and I am forgiving them, but they have not really responded? Can we just go ahead and pretend as if it did not happen? Obviously not. I am not going to be reconciled with the other person simply by forgiving them unilaterally. That is what Paul says: as far as it depends upon you, live at peace with one another. But reconciliation, from my end, is going to depend on the other person — whether that is something they want. There is wisdom involved in that.
Here is what he is saying: you forgive them. How do you get that perspective? Colossians 3:13 says, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Andy Murphy, who used to be out at Northwest Community Church and now lives in this end of the valley, and who worships with us on Sunday nights, said this years ago. It used to be on a little plaque in the back. When I consider that I deserve hell, anything else is a pretty good day. When I consider that while I hated God, He sent Christ to die for me, how can I possibly hold a grudge against someone else?
What Bitterness Reveals About Your Heart
You have got to deal with it. That perspective gives you the path. You should ask yourself: why am I so bitter? Is it perhaps telling us more about you than about the other person? Is that incident really just revealing something that is already in your heart — a hardness or a callousness — or does it magnify and exhibit something that is deficient in your life?
If you think your anger is justifiable, and maybe you have every right to be angry, then be angry, but do not sin. Be kind. How? As Christ was. Chapter 5, verse 1: be an imitator of God. See the contrast? We started four weeks ago in chapter 4, verse 17 — do not think like the Gentile thinks. Do not be futile or empty in your mind. Do not do what the world would do. The world does not get mad, it gets even. But think like God does. In spite of your sin and rebelliousness, while you hated Him and were an enemy, He forgave you and reconciled you to Himself. Now you go and do likewise.
Why Are You So Mad?
I love a lesson like this on a day like this, frankly. On Father's Day you see families together, and the same dynamics are at work — at school, in any sort of relationship that is strained. You really have to take a look at that. Bitterness, and the whole list — wrath, anger, clamor, slander, all forms of malice. Does that describe you? Why are you so mad?
I do not see a ton of movies, not for any moral or philosophical reason, I just do not. But one of the best movies I had seen in a while was Seabiscuit. There is a young jockey, Red Pollard, who eventually ends up riding Seabiscuit, and he is an angry guy. They expose his past throughout the film. In one race, he has been given instruction to hold the horse back on the backside so there is something left as they come around the final turn and into the stretch. Another jockey comes over and they start fighting back and forth on the backside, and he lets the horse go too early, so the horse has nothing left at the end of the race. The trainer is on him and everyone is going back and forth. Then one of the owners comes over and simply says to him: why are you so mad?
Sitting there today angry — why are you so mad? Is it something as simple as she does not know how to butter bread? Or is it some major offense, some serious sin that has been committed against you? Either way, do not let yourself and your heart become bitter. Stop it. "I can't." That is right — he will, through you. It is not natural behavior. It is supernatural.
The Poison of Bitterness Spreads
We live in a world of broken relationships. We see it at summer camp, even as we get ready to go. We will see parents who are fighting over their child, over whether their child can go to camp or not. We had a mom this year with a long restraining order and all of this surrounding her situation, and her kid could not go to camp. I thought, that is too bad, because I guarantee you what that kid could use more than anything else is summer camp.
All of a sudden it is not just you and that spouse — it is now the kids. It is not just you and that boss — it is now the whole office. It is not just you and the small group — it is the whole church. And when we get back to it, it is just a poison, a toxic presence in your heart, and you cannot forgive because you will not forgive.
The Gospel Applied
This is the gospel applied. It is terrific to talk about chapter 1 and 2 and 3 and the gospel and how great it is — and those truths are great. But now let us flesh them out. It is great to talk about being forgiven, but now let us talk about forgiving. It is great to talk about how God loves us and sealed us and will never let us go, but now in our relationships, the whole dynamic becomes conditional. You do this, I will do this. You did this, I will get you. And you go back years and years and years, and you can say, "I remember it like it was yesterday. Jimmy Carter was in the White House. He was wearing a blue sweater when he addressed the nation. You were sitting in that green chair and I was over here. We had just eaten tuna salad. I can smell it like it was yesterday."
I cannot fix them, but I can fix my own heart. That is the call, is it not? He tells you this, by the way, because in this life you will be dealt dirty. You will have people who will abuse you. You will have things happen to you innocently.
Unmet Expectations and Misplaced Hopes
Things don't always go the way you thought they were going to go. You can plan and plan — it doesn't work that way. We carry all sorts of expectations about how things are supposed to be.
I remember years ago, a man was talking about Father's Day and he said it was a terrible day for him. I asked why, and he said his kids disappointed him every year. When I pressed further, he said they didn't get him cards. I told him we could fix that easily — but first, why did he have that expectation?
It's like Christmas. If you haven't gotten along all year, why do you think that at Christmas everything is going to be fine? If it hasn't worked for 360 days, why would it work on that one day? You can't be a Picasso all year long and expect to be Norman Rockwell on Christmas. It isn't going to happen, so why even expect it?
It's About You and Your Relationship with Him
Ultimately, it's not about them — it's about you and your relationship with Him. We can go back to the prodigal son and look at the older brother. Look at the disappointment he had. "What about me? What about me? What about me?" That's our cry, isn't it?
He offended me — understood. Forgive him and move on. Why is it eating you up? "Vengeance is mine, says the Lord." He will deal with it, not you. That is His responsibility, not yours.
Closing Prayer
Father, we come to You as a Father who loves us perfectly, even as we love one another imperfectly. We pray that You would take this to our lives — and God, let us not be thinking about the person to our left or our right, the person in front of us or behind us, but what about us? God, do radical surgery on our hearts.
Get rid of the bitterness and the wrath and the anger, clamor, slander, and malice that is in us. While we spat at You, You died for us. While we called You an enemy, You sent Your Son to die for us. While we were helpless, You did what we could not do.
God, now let us be instruments of that grace and mercy to the world around us. Father, we love You, we thank You, we praise You. In Christ's name, amen.