How to Be Happy Though Married
Tom Shrader begins a four-part series on contentment by examining marriage through the lens of Paul's teaching in Philippians 4:11-13 about learning to be content in all circumstances. He identifies five major sources of marital unhappiness—sex, communication, money, children, and work pressures—while contrasting the world's view of marriage as 50-50 partnership with God's design for distinct roles and mutual service. Shrader emphasizes that true happiness comes not from getting our needs met but from meeting our spouse's needs within God's established structure.
“God says the reason you're in it is to fulfill that other person and to meet their needs.”
— Tom Shrader
Series: How to Be Happy
Recorded: November 18, 2004
Duration: 38 min
Themes: marriage, contentment, happiness, communication, money, children, service, roles, married couples, struggling marriages, newlyweds, husband, wife, financial stress, parenting challenges, work pressure
Scripture: Philippians 4:11-13, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, Matthew 19, 1 Corinthians 6:20, Ephesians 5:22, Colossians 3:18, Colossians 3:19, 1 Peter 3:1-2, 1 Peter 3:7, 1 Peter 3:8-9
Theological Themes: biblical marriage, complementarianism, gender roles, christian contentment, philippians, mutual submission, biblical authority, spiritual satisfaction
Full Transcript
We start a new series today, four weeks, and you've got the first outline in front of you: how to be happy though married, how to be happy though single, how to be happy though broke, how to be happy though hurting. So those are the four topics. I'm going to spend a little bit of time on this introduction every week.
If you have Bibles, open them to Philippians chapter 4, and I'll give you the premise of this series. You can obviously see what we're talking about is contentment. That's a big button for me. That's one of those things I talk about all the time.
This weekend, I'm going to be up in Williams with some of the guys from Scottsdale Bible Church, and the way it's arranged, I do a session and a half. I think it's about courage and being a man. So I'm going to talk about having the courage to be satisfied and content. That takes a lot of discipline, and it's almost contrary to what we think about instinctively.
Why This Series Matters to Everyone
Today we're talking about how to be happy though married. Obviously, if you're married, this will be important. If you're single, this may be even more important because you better get this figured out because most people I know who are single have some aspiration at some point in time to be married.
Some of you who are married may one day be single again, and this is huge - you know a whole bunch of people who are, so they tend to confide in you. They feel it's safe, and you can provide them some sort of encouragement. I don't know about broke, but I'm going to guess if you aren't, you know someone who is. And if you're not hurting, I know you will be.
This really gets into mindset a lot. Here you go. Philippians chapter 4 verse 11, Paul's writing, he said, "Not that I speak from want, I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I'm in."
The Secret of Contentment
We're going to capitalize on that word circumstance. "Not that I know how to get along with humble means, I also know how to live in prosperity in any and every circumstance." Here's the phrase again: "I have learned the secret of being filled, going hungry, both of having abundance and having suffering."
Now for some of you, those may be new verses, but the next one isn't, because the next one's one of those things they use as a screensaver. All these positive thinking guys are out there, and they'll quote this: "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
Ten years ago, the USC football team, the skilled position players, wore a little towel to dry themselves off, and it said Philippians 4:13. "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me," and that's oftentimes how that verse is viewed. I can leap tall buildings in a single bound faster than a speeding bullet. I can do all these things, think I can, think I can, think I can. That's not what He's talking about.
Learning to Be Content
What He's talking about is, "I've learned" - that word's in there twice. I find that encouraging. On the tough side, it says it's not natural, it's supernatural, but like Paul learned it, you can learn it. He said, "I've learned to be content."
I guarantee you, it will be very frustrating to the guys, because it's almost contrary to everything we hear. I picked up a magazine a couple months ago, and the cover was Psychology Today, and it was talking about what happened to the American dream. Well, I must be a prophet or something - I've been talking about this for 20 years.
The American dream and a really serious Christian life are oftentimes in competition with one another. The American dream, for whatever it is, where we are right now as a nation is the inevitable result of an American dream gone wild. The thought that everybody deserves a house, everybody should go to college, everybody should... and now you're screwed. But we did that, we made that happen, that's where we were.
We're stepping back and going, listen, especially you and me, who say we're Christians, why would our dream be a dream that had in it accumulation and achievement just for the sake of stuff? Nothing wrong with that, but that isn't our end goal. Our end goal should be, what's the Christian life? So we apply it to all these areas, and we're going to talk about contentment.
Problems vs. Circumstances
Here's the distinction we're going to make, and I'm going to use words from the Scripture. There's probably better ways to say it, but you'll get it. In any situation I'm in, so somebody comes into my office, and we've got something going on, the immediate thing I've got to do is triage it and understand: am I dealing with a problem or do I have a circumstance?
To me, a problem is something that's changeable, a circumstance is something that's unchangeable. I use myself as an illustration. My height is a circumstance, my width is a problem. I can't change this - in fact, statistically I'm probably going to get shorter. My girth, that's a problem, that's something I should be dealing with.
Once I understand, do I have a circumstance or I have a problem, if it's a problem, I need to address it. What can I do, how can we handle it? If it's a circumstance, then I have to accept it.
October 23rd, we're doing a service outside at church. We do this twice a year - we just go out, we've got a big lawn in the back. We'll get there 9, 9:30, sunscreen, sunglasses, they'll be grilling, it's just a great service. If we get out there, now we're debriefing it Monday morning, if it rains, then we're going to have a...
The Reality of Contentment in Changing Circumstances
A circumstance, if the sound doesn't work, that's a problem, so I just have to deal with those things. What Paul's saying here is, even in those circumstances, as they're changing, so if you watch just the market, I think it was yesterday or the day before, I have an app on my phone, it's a market app, and literally, the market was like up 100, down 100, up 100, down 100, up 100, down 100, up 100, down 100. If your happiness is attached to that, you're happy, you're sad, you're happy, you're sad, you're happy, you're sad, you're happy, you're sad.
But I'm not trying to live a happy life, I'm trying to live a joyful life. So in spite of circumstance, there's a satisfaction. I've learned to be content, and the reality is, most of us want what we don't have.
My daughter Sarah, if she goes in, today, if she just goes in and washes her hair, it just comes out massively curly, and so she'll either wear it down or put a little scrunchie on her. I think it's so cute. Hayley's hair is as straight as this wall. So every morning, Sarah wants Hayley's hair, Hayley wants Sarah's hair. We tend to want what we don't have.
Five Reasons Married People Aren't Happy
Now it comes to marriage, here we go. What are the five reasons people who are married aren't happy? Here's the order I put them in. The first one is sex.
Let me have you open your Bibles to 1 Corinthians 7. Now we're going to talk more about this next week, and every time I talk about this, I catch a little heat on it. So I've moderated the language, though not my position over the years.
Biblical Foundation for Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
1 Corinthians chapter 7. So Paul's saying this: "Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it's good for a man to not touch a woman, but because of immorality, let each of you have his own wife, each woman have her own husband. Let the husband fulfill his wife's duty to his wife, likewise, the wife to the husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, the husband does, and likewise, the husband doesn't have authority over his own body, but the wife does."
Now here's the key point, verse 5: "Stop depriving one another." So they're talking here about sex. Stop depriving one another. Don't do that anymore, except by agreement for a specific period of time to devote yourself to prayer, and then come together again. Here's the key phrase for me: "Let Satan have an opportunity to test you," or Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
So here's what Paul, and we'll hammer this next week, we're talking about being happy though single, here's what Paul's acknowledging. There's a problem within this group of people, the representative of office I think, who are having a problem controlling themselves sexually. He's saying if that's the case, then it's better for you to marry than just going around indiscriminately having sex.
The Logic of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
Now, if that's true, and obviously it is, then what Paul's saying is, if that was a compelling reason to be married, don't stop having sex once you're married. Because the logical extension is, Satan's now going to have an opportunity because that was something that was important either one or both of you at the time. Satan's going to have an opportunity to creep in there and begin to tempt you.
Here's the way we say it: Single, celibate. Married, celebration. That's the way we say that and here's my, just my experience. We got a whole lot of singles celebrating and a whole lot of marrieds celibate.
A Real-Life Example of Sexual Problems in Marriage
So I'm teaching a study one night and in walks this guy. Just a cool, I mean he walked in and just a cool, striking, handsome guy. He had on a baby blue, powder blue polo golf shirt and it was all stretched out. Just a muscle guy. He had great hair and the reason I noticed him, it was almost looking in the mirror. That's what it was. That's exactly what happened.
So this guy walks in, well right behind him walks this cute little girl, wife, woman. So you can't miss them because I mean we're a typical group so we're eating donuts and pudgy and they're all fit and look great. So we're all done and he said, hey man, so then I knew what the problem was. Hey man, I'd like to, we'd like to meet with you.
So they come over, they meet with Susan and me, we're sitting in the living room and they're talking and there's a bunch of stuff and you can see there's just something not right. So I said, how's the intimacy in your relationship? And he doesn't say anything and she says, he hasn't touched me in seven months. I've tried everything. I dress different ways, I've done videos, I've read books, I've done everything and I'm telling you, you would be stunned how often we hear that. First of all, that's probably symptomatic of other issues but that's a gigantic area of unhappiness.
The Communication Gap
The second one is communication. So you can kind of figure that out. So everybody makes this point, I don't know if it's true or not. All the guys use these numbers, I don't know that they're true or not. My assumption is they aren't but it's a guy speaks 10,000 words a day, a woman 25,000 words a day. I don't know if that's representative. All I know is a woman tends to talk more than a man, at least with each other.
I came home one day and I'm done. If I'm going to speak 10,000 words that day, I've spoken 9,999 of them. So I come in and Susan said, how was the board meeting? So I got one word left. I don't know whether to use a nod there or a word. I decided to use my word. I said fine.
Who was there? I thought well I'll go over quoted today for her sake. I said well typically at the board meetings the board is there so let's go with that. She said oh, was Jerry there? Jerry's a board member. I don't need word for that one. I went and here's what she said next. Now this never even occurred to me. What was he wearing? If I remember he was naked. I don't know what he was wearing.
I've had to learn to communicate. I've had to learn in some cases to just fake it and express it. Those kinds of things. I've learned to ask a lot of questions and I've learned to talk.
When Susan and I were engaged, we went down to Tucson to visit some people and come back. All the way down on the last trip we made to Tucson, we got in the car. We got to Casa Grande and I said, "Do you have to go to the bathroom?" She said no. I said, "Me neither," and then we got to Tucson. That was the extent of the conversation. It's not a lot. We do book tapes. When we take anything over an hour, we do book tapes and it's perfect. You get what I'm saying about communication? He doesn't talk. She doesn't listen.
Money and Financial Pressures
Here's the third thing: money. Dough. Stuff. We can unpack that at different levels. Most of us are unhappy with the stuff we have.
Children and Parenting Challenges
Here's the fourth thing: kids. This is especially true in a blended family situation. I can think of one couple in particular. We were meeting and I said the only problem you have is you have your kids, he has his kids. They said that's not going to be a problem. In fifteen years, the only problem they've had? Kids. With a situation where a widow and widower come together, I say that so there's no parents outside manipulating the whole situation. The only problem is kids.
Susan and I—I didn't want kids. We got married and she said we should have some kids. I said I don't want any kids. She said I think we should have some. I said we should have talked about it. We should have put this on our talk-about list before we started. I don't want any kids. They're awful. They're dirty. They carry germs. I don't want them. Why would I want a kid? I don't want a kid. She said, "Well, I'd like to have a couple." I said, "Oh man, alright, let's do this."
So we had these kids. Here's what we figured out real fast: we could have them, but we didn't know what to do once we had them. So my approach to child rearing was capital punishment. Hers was mercy. The first time something happened, I'm going bam. She goes, "Don't slap her hand. That's only going to hurt her. No, no, no. She's a good kid." I said, "If she was a good kid, she wouldn't do that." So that's another area.
Work and Time Pressures
I have one more, and it's jobs. The only reason I put this on the list primarily is it lends itself to the busyness. Something like 8% of households in America are now biological mom and dad where the mom stays home and the dad works. Something like 8%. I've heard 12% to 8%, but make your own up. I don't care. Under 15%, it's low. Got it? So it's low.
What does that do? If nothing else, it puts huge time pressures into the relationship. You add kids to it, especially when you're taking your kid from ballet to soccer to music, and you have kids that are busy, mom's busy, dad's busy. When you start seeing ads where people are saying, "Here's a goal: eat dinner together every night," that tells you you're in trouble.
Addressing Problems vs. Changing Circumstances
Here's what we want to do. A common mistake that people make: rather than solving the problems, people want to change the circumstances. We can argue over words—I don't want to do that—but you get what we're saying. I have something that's changeable, but rather than solving the problem, I want to change the circumstance. If you're in AA, they'll talk about the geographical cure. You're in Minneapolis, you're married to this person, everything is awful, you're going to get rid of the person and come to Phoenix. So you come to Phoenix and you're just as miserable here because the problem that needs to be changed or the issue that needs to be addressed is you.
Going to the Manufacturer for Answers
Here we go. Here's the basis for marriage, and we pull all of this out of Matthew 19, though you'll see that we could go to other places. We go to the scripture.
I have an iPhone. The other day my iPhone would just start to vibrate. I pushed a button which should light everything up, but it didn't light up. I'm in Anthem on the way back to Phoenix. I get home, I'm pushing buttons. I know if you push this button and one on top and hold them down, that'll start it. So I'm doing that. I get online. When I went online, I didn't go to check out the Droid. I went to see what the Apple people said. I went to the manufacturer for their input.
In marriage, I want to go to the One who designed it—that would be God. So what does He say?
God's Design for Marriage: Four Points
Four points. Number one: marriage is designed to be heterosexual. "Haven't you read that in the beginning God created and made them male and female?"
Every time we teach this, and the environment is more electric now than it's ever been, people will come and say, "Gosh, you're homophobic." I'll say no, and then they'll bait me into a conversation and they'll say, "Well, are you saying that there's something wrong with being a homosexual?" I will say no, God says. Then they'll say, "Well, you're homophobic." I'll always sit back, and this is really important: anything other than a man and woman sexually engaged in a marital setting is a perversion.
If you're a guy and a girl, you're not married, and you're having sex, that's perverted. If you're married and having sex with somebody other than your partner, that's perverted. If you're a guy with a guy or girl with a girl, that's a perversion. It's a perversion of God's plan.
I said, "Listen, here's what marriage ought to be. It should be heterosexual: a man and a woman." There was a poll I saw the other day, and the question was, "Is it okay for religious leaders to be openly gay?" The answer was—and they're just asking anybody—62% said it's okay. I don't really care what everybody thinks. Does God have a view? Take out religious leaders—is it okay for commercial bankers to be openly gay? No. Not my words, God's words.
God's Design for Marriage
From personal experience, and I try to demonstrate even now, all the love and understanding I have in that, that's not an accusation that you make in a haphazard way. God's already rendered that judgment.
Here's the second thing. It's designed to be relational. "For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother, be united as wife, the two will become one flesh." So in my life, I have great respect for my parents, and obviously I owe them a debt, not the least of which they got me into the world, although sometimes I'm not sure I'm all that jacked about that. And I like my kids a lot.
I texted my daughter Sarah at 2:57 this morning. We text a lot, we talk a lot, text is a great—those of you that don't like texting, I'm just telling you, texting is the greatest thing in the world. It's a license to be rude. So I text a lot.
But I told the girls all along, I like you, I love you, I love your mom more. You're going to go away, we're going to be together. I don't want to be sitting here when you leave and look at her and go, who are you? So I want you to understand, I love you a lot. You're ours. But one day, in all likelihood, you won't be. Because I'm going to have this moment where I give you to a guy.
When the guys wanted to get married, I met with them, met with them every week, we talked, and I said to them, here's the deal. Once they say I do, I'm telling you, they're yours. I don't want them back. And I'll do anything for you except money. I'm not going to give you any money. If you can't support them, don't marry them. They're yours. Not because I don't love them, but I got their mom. That's my responsibility. It's that kind of idea of a closeness that needs to take place in the whole relationship.
Designed to Be Close
And that's the third point I added. They run together. It's designed to be close. "The two will become one flesh." So Larry and Sue used to do a talk on marriage called "One Plus One Equals One." So you'll see in the scripture, you'll see lots of references to they were naked, they were happy. That's supposed to be the specialty. There's nothing more intimate, physically close, than a man and a woman coming together, exchanging body fluids. I mean, that's very intimate. Made it a little more sterile than it really is there. But you get that. That's what it's designed to be.
Some guys will say, "Oh, my wife's my best friend." All right, whatever. I don't know about best friend, but they're your closest friend. There is that sense. I mean, that old thing, you start to look like each other and you both look like your dog and you finish sentences.
And so Susan will do that all the time to me. I'll stop and go, "I know what you're going to say." And then I'll go, "You don't know what I'm going to say." And then she'll just tell me what I'm going to say. We're at the doctor Monday and this gal's explaining. So we're walking down the hall. Here's what she said to me: "Don't interrupt her." I said, "I haven't even said anything." She said, "I know that, but I know you're going to interrupt her. Don't interrupt her." And then I interrupted her. But you get it.
Designed to Be Permanent
And then the last thing, it's designed to be permanent or stable. "What God has joined together, let no man separate." So we can talk about that. We can talk about how indeed in God's word, because of sin, He gives us, I think, some occasions that legitimize divorce, but He's saying, listen, even in those cases. So let's say your husband has been unfaithful. Your wife has been unfaithful. Well, I think the scripture says, okay, that might be a legitimate reason for divorce. It's not a command to divorce.
The most powerful marriages that I've seen oftentimes have some sort of immorality or indiscretion in them where God has kept those people together. They've overcome that. And it's very, very powerful. That's kind of what we're looking at here in terms of the design for marriage.
God's Three Institutions
Three institutions God's established: our marriage, government, and church. We add workplace to that in terms of workplace rules, but God's established marriage. We can go through the scripture and see it. He's established government and our relationship with government, and He's established the church. Submit to your elders. These are the guys that run the church.
There was a guy one time and he was talking to me, in fact, it's a guy from this group and he was talking about going to church and they were doing a building fund. Here's what he said. I thought this is godly right here. He said, "I don't agree with what they're building. I don't agree with where they're building, but I'll tell you what, I'm giving to them because that's their issue before God, not mine."
And a lot of churches, you have people who attend, who respond to the elders and the pastor like they're season ticket holders. "I've been a season ticket holder here for a long time. There's somebody in my parking place. There's somebody in my seat." I went to speak at a church here in town. It'll remain nameless. I got there early. I like to work a room. I like to talk and try to understand people. I set my Bible and my stuff down.
I came back, my things were moved and there were two people sitting there. I said, "Oh gosh, have you seen my things?" "Yes, we moved them." I said, "Well, why did you move them?" They said, "These are our seats." Now they didn't know who I was. Think if you were a guest there for the first time, what does that say to the people? Anyway, you get the expression of that and you all go, "Oh," but you'd all do it every day.
Confusion About Marriage Ownership
God's design for marriage. Let me give you four or five points, a confusion and then a clarification. One is ownership and these overlap too. I'm not trying to draw hard distinctions here. I just want to make sure we get points on. The confusion is marriage is 50-50 in terms of ownership.
The reality is it's like everything else that we make. God says He owns it. So in 1 Corinthians 6:20, He says this: "You are
not your own. You were bought at a price. So don't be slaves to men, be slaves to God. Everything in your jurisdiction or authority has been transferred possession to you, but not ownership, including marriage. So what we're going to see is that He gives us the design for marriage.
The Purpose of Marriage
Here's the second thing. What's the purpose of marriage? Well, the typical view is to get my needs met. God's idea is to meet other person's needs.
Years ago, Larry decides he's going to do our first ever men's conference. So he calls Smalley and Smalley said, "All right, I'll do it. I'll teach." So at the end, this is like Sunday morning sundown. He said, "Guys, I'm going to give you something. You do this. Every woman in the world loves this." I said, "All right, I should listen." He said, "When you get home, ask your wife on a scale of one to ten, how would you rate our marriage? And if she says it's a five, you say, 'How can I make it a six?' She says, 'It's a seven,' and you say, 'How can I make it an eight?' Every woman loves this."
So we're in bed that night. And I said to Susan, "Susan, on a scale of one to ten, how would you rate our marriage?" And she said, "That is so stupid." And I said, "Well, Gary Smalley said every girl would like that." She goes, "That's stupid." I said, "Why is that?" She said, "Tom, I know what this is going to be. I know this is going to go. You're going to ask me one to ten. I'm going to say three. You're going to say, 'How can I make it a four?' And then you aren't going to do anything about it."
So one day, we're walking through Fashion Square. And Susan said to me, "What first attracted you to me?" Now, I'm guessing it was precipitated probably by somebody who just walked by me at Fashion Square. So I said, "Listen, I'll answer this. But I'm not going to argue about it." So the question is, what first attracted me to you? I think you're really pretty. I have a body type that I like. I like skinny little girls. So you were at the time she was like a zero to two, four, something depending on who's making the clothes. I like skinny little girls. So I said, "What first attracted to me is like your body and your face." She said, "Okay, I get that." Why did you? And we should have just all stopped right there where everybody was happy.
"Why?" I have a follow up. Like I'm a president holding a news conference. "Why did you marry me?" So I said, "Well, when we got married, I wasn't a Christian," which my kids will say that's your answer to all of your life before you were thirty. So I said, "I married you to make me happy." So I said, "What first attracted you to me?" She said, "Well, at first I wasn't attracted to you," but I should have known that. But she said, "After I got to know you, you were very funny, and you have a lot of fun, and everywhere you went was fun, and I didn't have any fun. So I was first intrigued by you because you were fun, and I am fun. So I'm not as much fun anymore." I said, "Well, why did you marry me?" She said, "I married you to make me happy."
Now, think about this, because the app represents most people. I got into it. So once we're done, I said, "All right, make me happy." She said, "All right, make me happy." You've got two people living together, waiting for the other person to make you happy. That ain't going to work. God said, the reason you're in it is to fulfill that other person and to meet their needs. In some weird way, if you really love that person, when I meet Susan's needs and I see her fulfilled, it meets the need in me, too.
The Structure of Marriage
Here's the third thing. What's the structure of marriage? Well, the confusion is the 50-50, or we operate by committee. That's what you see. If you watch Oprah long enough, or you listen to some of that stuff long enough, you'll hear them. "We have a 50-50 marriage."
So I think I've told you this story before. I get this. I show up one day at work. And my admin comes in and says, "There's a couple here. I scheduled them because I knew you were here. Nothing on your calendar. They want to meet with you." I said, "Okay." So they come in. And we're sitting at a little table. Two of them are there. So a lot of this is visual. So he's here. She's there.
So I said, "Good to have you here. I'm not sure why we're meeting. Why are we meeting?" And she says, "We're meeting because from the pulpit, you openly teach that marriage is not 50-50. And you teach it." So then I say to him, "Do you have a 50-50 marriage?" And he says, "Mm-hmm." And I said, "Well, how did you decide that?" And he says, "Well, honey, how did we decide that?" So right away, I know. I can name that tune in one note.
So we dialogue for a while. And it's really 50-50. I said, "Listen, whatever. Godspeed. We need the parking. Whatever." And I said, "But out of curiosity, in those moments when you can't get things resolved, how do you fix them?" He's done. She said, "Whoever cares most gets their way." And I thought, if I knew that was the ground rule.
God says, "No. The husband's the CEO." And then I wrote next to it, "always." A husband's head of the wife is Christ's head of the church. Church submits to Christ. So also, wives submit to your husbands.
Job Descriptions
I'm going to close in that on number four, job descriptions. The world is we're always trying to figure it out. We're always negotiating. And God says, "No, we've figured those out. They're non-negotiable."
What's the job description for the wife? It's to submit to the husband. Let me give you Bible verses there. You can look them up. Ephesians 5:22, Colossians 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1-2. "Wives, in the same way," what same way? As Christ was when He suffered, "submit to your husbands."
Submit means to line up under. It's, in a sense, a military term. He's not saying men better than women. It's not that. He's saying, "Here's the structure. There's a CEO, if you will, in this structure. And it's the husband."
"Well, what if my husband's an idiot? What if my husband makes bad decisions? What if my husband's outside of God's will?" I assume...
At some time he's a guy, so he's an idiot. He's human. He's outside God's will. You follow him anyway. I had a guy one time say to me, "My wife is submissive to me as long as I make good decisions." Well, that's not the test.
So when we do submission, I'm just telling you, it's so easily misunderstood. If I've got radical feminism or male chauvinism, both of those are extremes and wrong. It's simply saying the guy ultimately makes the call. And I will tell you this, ladies - it's an attitude as much as an action.
So if you say to me, "Is Susan in submission to you?" I'll say yes. You say, "Give me an example." I can't even think of one. It's an attitude. I can tell in the discussion. I can tell in the respect.
Job Descriptions for Husbands
Guys, there's a little more for you in job descriptions. Let me give them to you. Number one, express love to your wife. So wives submit to husbands. Husbands love your wives.
We'll have people today who want to nitpick the first part and say, "No, wives submit to husbands. That's a cultural thing." Well, when it says husbands love your wives, nobody ever disputes that. And they're wrapped up in the same idea. You want to dump "wives, submit to your husband"? Let's dump "husbands love your wives."
Don't be harsh with your wife. That's what Colossians 3:19 says: "Husbands love your wives, and don't be harsh to them." First Peter 3:7, be considerate. Here you go. Here's what this means - it means be nice. Most guys are nicer to the server. So you're going to breakfast - you'll be nicer to the server than you were to your wife.
It's the last thing: show her respect. First Peter 3:7, as a weaker vessel.
Treating Your Wife Like You Did When Dating
Here's what I try to tell guys: try living with your wife with the same attitude and the same strategy that you use to win her. When you're dating, it's always, "Where should we go? We're going to go to this poetry reading. We're going to go do all this stuff," because you think she likes that. "We're going to do whatever."
Think about this: if you're trying to get her to marry you, imagine if you used the strategy used now that you've caught her. So she calls and says, "What are we going to do tonight?" And you say, "You know what? I'm really hungry. Let's do this. I like my food hot. Why don't you get here about five? You cook, I'll eat. I don't like a mess, so you clean it up. I'll put on my shorts, belch, and pass gas and watch Everyone Loves Raymond. See you about five." Click.
Nobody's signing up for that duty. I mean that - it's common courtesy. It's just being nice.
The Way Couples Treat Each Other
But I watch husband-wives interact, and I watch the way they treat each other and talk to each other. And it's just sickening, the way guys put women down. "She used to really be something, 30 pounds ago." And I want to go, "Well, it's closer to 50, but nonetheless."
"Oh, oh, oh, this is a beautiful home. We'll never have anything like that. We live in this dump." And the minute the woman says that, guys want to cave anyway. You're going to battle for leadership, and you just verbally castrate them long enough, they're going to give up.
Living in Understanding
There's four blanks on the bottom. Let me give them to you really quickly. First Peter 3:8-9: be harmonious, be friendly, be compassionate, be humble, be gracious. It's to live with a person in an understanding way.
Now, here's what I know. Let me let you know that I know that you're probably not married to the perfect person. And what I'm saying is you have to figure out - it's my responsibility to be the husband God calls me to be, even if Susan isn't being the wife that God's called her to be.
How to be happy though married: you get into those roles, you understand this. If you're consumed with meeting your mate's needs, you're going to find joy in the midst of that, even when they don't respond.
Conclusion
I find a lot of married people who want to be single and a lot of single people who want to be married. Next week, we're going to talk to the singles.
Let's pray, we'll get you on the way. Father, thank You for this truth. It is contrary, God, to the way we think. Would You help us learn to be and be content in the circumstances You have us? God, to those things we can change, help us change it. Father, do that work. We trust You to do that and You alone. We pray to You in Christ's name, amen.