How to Be Happy Though Single
Tom Shrader teaches from Paul's prison letter in Philippians 4 about learning contentment regardless of circumstances, then explores 1 Corinthians 7 to address biblical singleness. He argues that Paul presents singleness as superior to marriage, offering simplicity, focus, and freedom to serve God without divided interests. Shrader challenges cultural assumptions that married life is the ideal, emphasizing that God's design for singles is celibacy and that they have unique advantages for kingdom work.
“Paul saying listen I want you to understand that these are not second class citizens.”
— Tom Shrader
Series: How to Be Happy
Recorded: December 02, 2004
Duration: 39 min
Themes: contentment, singleness, happiness, joy, circumstances, celibacy, freedom, service, single adult, never married, divorced, widowed, young adult, dating, considering marriage, serving ministry
Scripture: Philippians 4:11-13, Matthew 19:9-11, 1 Corinthians 7:1-40, 1 Corinthians 7:8, 1 Corinthians 7:28, 1 Corinthians 7:32, 1 Corinthians 7:38-40, Matthew 18
Theological Themes: contentment, biblical singleness, sanctification, spiritual maturity, kingdom work, divine calling, holiness, spiritual gifts
Full Transcript
Week two, you've got outlines in front of you. A bunch of you are going to check out in about five minutes, which is too bad, because you're going to miss something that's really good. But here's the series title. If you have Bibles, open them to Philippians chapter 4.
The title of this series is Don't Worry, Be Happy, and the subtitle is Learning to Celebrate the Circumstances of Life. Don't Worry, Be Happy, here you go. Here are the four topics: How to be happy though married. How to be happy though single. How to be happy though broke. How to be happy though hurting.
The problem with all of them is you'll go, oh, well, that's not me, therefore, you're thinking you don't need it. So last week, we talked about how to be happy though married. So if you're single, you could easily go, I really don't need that. But in your mind, you're thinking, well, maybe one day I'll be married and I'll need that.
Today, how to be happy though single, and a lot of you are about to make a tragic error. You're about to think, oh, I don't need this, I'm married, probably never going to be single, married to this guy or this gal, I'll die first. I'm never going to need this. The reality is 50 plus percent of the adults in Maricopa County are single. When they start to think about marriage, they're going to talk to people like you, or you've got kids, or you've got grandkids. Obviously, I used all of this stuff when I was talking to my kids as I was raising them. So you may go, okay, it doesn't apply to me, but the reality is it does.
Paul's Secret to Contentment
Here you go. Philippians chapter 4, and we looked at this last week, and I said all four weeks, we're going to spend time in this passage, more time today than any of the four. Paul writes this, and He's writing from prison. "Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstance I'm in. For I know how to get along in humble means, that would be like prison, or how to live in prosperity. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of being filled and of going hungry, of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
So twice in there, we see the word, I have learned. To me, the minute I read that, I go, okay, this is something, this is my way of encouragement, that I can learn. And then He says it's the secret. And everybody wants the secret. Paul says, I have learned the secret.
I just had a human curiosity, I want to know what that is. I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry. What He's saying is, I've learned to live in a sense now, cut me slack, independent of my circumstance.
The Difference Between Happiness and Joy
Difference between happiness and joy. If you watch the last two days, I was in a bunch of meetings yesterday, and I was in doctors. I've been to doctors every day now. So I got nothing to do. So I've checked the stock market, and literally, the stock market the other day was down 75, up 100, up 25, up 200, up 100, up 300, down 100. If you are looking for happiness, and you own that stock, this is very important, you're up, you're down, you're up, you're down.
The other day, I said to Susan, two weeks ago, I got to give up the Iowa football stuff. It's driving me crazy. I can't handle this. I can't stand going into Ames. So you go into Ames, where the stadium seats 13,000 people or something. And you go in there, and you lose. But you got to understand, that's their Super Bowl and everything. Anyway, I can't handle it. I'm done. I'm done with this, screw all the college football. I'm never watching it again.
So she said, okay, really slick, and I said, yep. And she said, okay, well, next Saturday, why don't we go to some garage sales and antiquing? See, fortunately, I know she's not strong enough to go out of the house, let alone that. And I know, in the midst of all her pain and sickness, she still has a fiber of cynicism and sarcasm to stick it in my ear. That's what she's doing.
I can't handle it. And finally, I said, you're 61 years old, give it up. And so the next week against Pitt, even though they were down 24 to 3, I had a certain peace about it. I had a zen approach to football. I just give it up. I can't quite get there. Here's my problem. If they score, I'm happy. If they give up a score, I'm sad.
Paul said, I've learned the secret of being in those circumstances but living apart from them. I don't want to be naive and say it doesn't matter. If you're eating filet or you're eating a really bad hot dog, I get that there's going to be a response to that. But what Paul's saying is, my identity and my joy is not attached to my circumstances. So from prison, I can write, I'm filled with joy. That's His whole point. And He's also saying, I have learned this.
Learning From Teachers and Mentors
Larry Wright, who is my hero, role model all rolled into one. Larry used to say, because we would talk a lot about teaching. He was not much help, honestly, on creative stuff or preparation. We would just talk ideas and concepts. And I offered Him an observation, which He affirmed was true. After you teach for a while, you develop an affinity for one particular topic.
I've said this to you before, you pick any Larry Wright tape, Ezekiel chapter three, I don't care. You pick the tape and in 45 minutes, 90 times out of 100, He'll talk about marriage. If you come back, you all know this. If you listen to me long enough, and one session may be long enough, depends on your pain tolerance. If you listen to me long enough, you're going to hear me talk about...
The Reality of Life's Challenges
Two of the topics that are in this series you're going to hear me talk about are satisfaction or contentment, and you're going to hear me talk about suffering and pain. Because to me, that's real life. What I've learned as a Christian is that I can live in the midst of really awful stuff.
Like right now, we're in the midst of really awful stuff with Susan—it's just bad. I can be in the midst of it. I might not be smiling and frivolous, but I can find joy in that. That's what He's saying in this. Paul writes in prison and he said, listen, I've learned this.
A Framework for Every Situation
Now, here's what we're going to do every week—less each week, but I want to make sure we get the point. Here's the challenge in every situation we walk into. So you can put this to work today, whether it's dealing with marriage, singleness, work—just now, I just had a 46 minute conversation regarding a staff thing.
Really quickly, here's what I do in every situation. I do it so often that I don't even think about it. When a situation comes in, the first thing you have to do is say, is it a problem or a circumstance? And I use those words—there may be better words, I don't know if there are.
I define the problem this way: something we can change. A circumstance: something we're stuck with. So right now, where we're living within our life is Susan's cancer, and we got it, and it affects everything. It's a circumstance—I can't change it.
A problem is something that comes—so I use myself. My height is a circumstance, my width is a problem. My height, I can't control. My width, though I can control it, I'm just not doing very well at it right now.
Responding to Problems and Circumstances
Once I delineate, if I have a problem, I commit to address it. If I have a circumstance, I accept it. If I can get it changed, or maybe it's something that's changeable, but not by me, maybe it's something, then I just accept that. This is the way it is.
Here's the phrase—it's become part of the culture now: It is what it is. That's a sense of going, okay, there's a circumstance, that's the hand we're dealt, we just got to play it.
The fourth thing that we talk about is to find joy in the midst of this, to try to live apart from that, in the sense that I'm not apart from the circumstances that I'm in or the situation I'm in, but in the middle of it. If the stock's at 22 or the stock's at one, I'm finding joy in all those, though obviously the expression's going to be different. That make sense? Sure it does. I answer my own question.
The Basis for Singleness: God's Design for Marriage
Here we go through the outline. The basis for singleness. We're talking about singleness. God says, and we're in Matthew chapter 19—I don't think I put the verses on there. Matthew chapter 19, verse 9: God says marriage means commitment for life.
Matthew chapter 19, verse 9: "I tell you that anyone who divorces a woman except for marital unfaithfulness and marries another woman has committed adultery." So God institutes marriage. God's design for marriage is very simple: heterosexual, it is monogamous, and it is lifelong.
So we said this last week, we can't say this enough. Anything other than that is perverted. So in the evangelical right-wing Christian community, when you do homosexuality, these guys go nuts. It's like chum for a shark. Get Him, it's awful, I got it.
And I'm all right even saying it's a perversion if you'll let me go along and say, and if you're having sex with somebody other than your spouse, that's a perversion, and if you're single and having sex, that's a perversion because God's design is heterosexual, monogamous, lifelong.
Biblical Grounds for Divorce
Now, what the Bible tells us is because of our sin, though God hates divorce, there are biblical grounds. And by the way, people will debate this. Biblical grounds, but it seems to me at least one He's saying here is marital infidelity.
So to me, here's what we get. You have a husband, wife—let's say the wife has an affair. We see more and more of that now. The wife has an affair, the husband's going, do I have grounds to divorce her? Well, if that's the driving force, yeah, you have grounds for it, but you don't have a command to do it.
So some of the strongest testimonies of God's restoring grace, to me, is to watch Him put a marriage together where one or both—because usually one's unfaithful, the other's going to get even. Once that happens, to be able to go, okay, God can bring that together, but God's desire is that marriage would be a lifelong commitment.
So here you go. You vow to love, to cherish, to nurture, for better or worse, rich or poor, sickness, health, till death do you part. Now, that's not a goal. That's just saying I'm in this thing.
The Weight of Marriage Vows
Those vows—and I always do this. I do it at the rehearsal with the couple, and I do it during the ceremony. Much more direct, and much more confrontational with the couple. I do it at every rehearsal.
I go, listen, it is not too late to call this off. This is a lifelong deal. You need to feel the weight of that, because right now, you can get out of it. After tomorrow, you can't. That's the deal.
Now, man says in verse 10, the disciples said to Him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it's better not to marry." Man says, if marriage means that commitment for life, forget it. So they're going, wait, that's way too deep.
The Gift of Singleness
Now, here's a subset that gets lost in this. In the Jewish culture, you could get a certificate of divorce for almost anything. You could come in and say, she screwed up the meal, and they go, oh my gosh, it's over. You're out. So Jesus is coming along going, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is the deal.
So that man—this is what we're saying—that's new information. If it's supposed to be for life, forget it. God says it is in every person that can be single for life, Matthew 19:11. Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but to those whom it's been given." Well, here you go. You've got a gift.
We're going to talk about singleness for the rest of our time. We're going to talk about the reason to be single, the reason to get married, and the advantages of being single, or the disadvantages of being married. And God says, listen, if you're going to get married, or if you're going to forget to get married, that's the fourth thing on your outline. If you're going to forget to get married, then you need to forget about sex, too.
I take all heat all the time about this, but I always say the key reason—and I backed off to say a principal reason, just because I don't want to argue with people—the key driving reason to get married is sex. That's what He's saying. Now, are there other things? There's companionship, and helpers suitable, and all this. But Paul's coming, when we get to 1 Corinthians 7, Paul's going to tell you—I'm going to give you the overview, then we'll unpack it. You're better single than married, which is really interesting, because in the church, by and large, all you see are a bunch of married people.
I would say you even have a snobbery, and even a prejudice against single people, I think. There's a presumption that there must be something wrong with you if you're single. Now, nobody will say it out loud when you're in the room, but they'll all say it in the car on the way home. They're not going to say it to your face, but think about this, just the big churches in town, do you know anybody on an elder board that's a single man? How can that be when you got all these singles in the church? I oversee four of them, and we don't have any.
Defining Singleness
Here you go, it's a sex thing we talk about from here on out. Webster's definition of single: unmarried. Working definition: uncommitted. God's definition of single: celibate. So if you want a bumper sticker: single, celibate, married celebration. God is not a snob when it comes to sex, nor should the church be.
I remember reading an article about a Puritan church, so think Puritan, get your Puritan preconceived notion on. A Puritan church in 1750 was going to do church discipline. Let me explain to you what that is, because some of you probably haven't even seen this. Matthew 18 says, if a brother sins, go to him, confront him, and if he confesses, you've won him over. If he doesn't, take a brother, and if that doesn't work, go to the church. So we still do this. We do it on rare occasion, doesn't happen often.
Church discipline, by the way, takes place all the time. I think I've been church disciplined often, where somebody's come to me and said, you did this, this isn't right, and I go, oh my gosh, I'm sorry. In 1750, church discipline, they're coming before the church, and they are disciplining this man for not meeting the sexual needs of his wife. Big deal. In 1750. Puritans. Not meeting the sexual needs of his wife.
Webster says unmarried, our working definition in our culture says uncommitted. How good is God? I have a three minute drive from my house to church, and yesterday, I'm driving in, there's a Michael Jackson song. I'm still in my Michael Jackson phase, so I had two Michael Jackson songs driving in today. Two Michael Jackson songs and then two Prince songs, back to back. It was a great morning.
So I'm driving in, I get to hear the end of Michael, and then the commentator, I think it was Beth, was saying, listen to this: 30% of men and women say there's no romance anymore to the sex. In other words, you don't even have to buy me dinner to have sex with me. That's the culture, that's the world you're in.
The Cultural Breakdown
I'm developing this whole new thought process on education. You might say, how do those go together? It's intriguing how they go together, but we don't have time to talk about it. But think about the culture now. So you got marriage breaking down, family's breaking down, 40, 42, 43% of the babies born in America, born out of wedlock. This thing is just all imploding all around us. So you got uncommitted, oh, it doesn't matter, it's just a piece of paper. Well, that piece of paper is holding the culture together. God says, if you're going to be single, be celibate.
Three Kinds of Singles
Three kinds of singles, here's the first kind. There are people who are designed to be married and looking for a partner for life. Now, you'll notice under this, we wrote process. This is really good. I'm going to give you a four-step process. So this is somebody who's single, who wants to be married, they're designed to be married. Here's the four-step process.
Number one is introduction. Examination, that's a big one, bunch of asterisks about that, stars, circles around that. Then dedication, that's the piece of paper, and then consummation, that's the sex. Here's the deal, that is not a random order.
The Four-Step Process
So I meet somebody, that's kind of easy, happens a variety of ways, can do it different, doesn't matter. Here's the key part: the examination. Love is blind only after you say, "I do." In this process, you ought to be scrutinizing everything, because you are now stuck with this person the rest of your life.
I talk about this in church. Susan and I are married two weeks, we're at a red light, I crack my knuckles. She goes, "Oh, oh, oh, don't do that." And I said, "Wait a minute, wait. I've been cracking my knuckles for months, you've never said anything at all, and now we're into this forever, and I crack my knuckles, I'm not going to stop. I got bad news and worse news for you. Bad news is I'm not going to stop, worse thing is I got a whole bunch of other bodily functions I'm going to spring on you in the next three or four months that are way worse. You'll wish I was cracking my knuckles." I mean, I don't understand this.
Well, here's what happened. The dating process is so phony because nobody's
If you're dating somebody and your friends say they don't like them, ladies, you've got this guy and you really like him. He's really cute and handsome and has all this money, but your friends don't like him. I can almost guarantee you should dump the guy. Unload the guy because they're seeing something you aren't seeing. He's probably being different—probably the real him—with them and not with you.
Guys, it's the same thing. You got this gal. She's beautiful, she does yoga, she does Pilates, she's got a nice smile, her teeth are white, her body's great. But your friends are going, "I don't know, dump her." You're distracted by the yoga and you're missing that she can't spell UCLA. Something's wrong. It ain't happening.
I'm just telling you, I've watched it a thousand times. It's so hard in that process. Love is blind. So if there are those things, if there's a doubt—and I know this—can you ever get to a point where there's no doubt? I don't know. But if there are doubts, you've got to have the strength to get out of this. You've got to have the power to get away because once you're in it, man, for you to get out of it is sin, and the repercussions of that for the rest of your life are huge.
The Foundation of Commitment
And then there's dedication. Here you go. My generation had our issues, but we had a song. The Doors were singing, "Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name." I'm in love, going to have sex. Could you wear one of those tags that say, "Hello, I'm Beth"? Could you wear a tag or something so I know?
That's how frivolous it's become. "It's just a piece of paper." God says, "No, no, no. It's not a piece of paper. It's a picture of your commitment to one another, and the sex takes place only after that."
Those Designed to Be Single
The second group that you have are people who are designed to be single and not looking for a partner for life. Here's what we try to do, and everybody does it different, and the reason everybody does it different is because there's no right way to do it. We try the best we can to mainstream our singles, especially in our small groups, into small groups.
I'll hear this all the time from guys who lead groups that are predominantly married where a single comes in. Here's the biggest mistake they see all the time: they try to hook them up. They spend all this time saying, "You need to—" Listen, I'm going to speak on behalf of all the single people. You know what? Leave us alone. They're single for whatever reason. Who knows why? Doesn't matter. They're happy. It's not like you're trying to come and in reality probably what you want is misery loves company. Leave them alone.
So here you go. Sarah's like six months old. We're brand new to the whole church experience, so we bring her into nursery. I don't know if they did it intentionally or whatever, but they got all these little old ladies working in the nursery with the small kids. So like my first trip in, they're giving me Sarah and they said, "She's so cute." I said, "You know, a lot of people say she looks like me," and she didn't get it. So she said, "Can I give you some advice?" I said, "Sure." "I want you to do what I started doing for my granddaughter the day she was born: start to pray for a spouse for them."
So I thought, okay, I'm not going to argue with this little old lady. But I walk away and go, here's the deal: what if they got the gift of singleness and God doesn't want them to marry? Can you imagine Paul's grandmother going, "Oh God, bring a woman for Paul"? Leave them alone. They don't need your help.
When Help Is Appropriate
Now there's those instances if I go back to square one where you talk to them and say, "Yeah, I'd really like to find somebody." Then it's okay to say, "Hey, have you met this? Do you know this?" But by and large, if you got single people who are single and happy, leave them alone.
The undercurrent of that is "married is better than single." "Oh, but I want to get started on my grandkids." Can you be more selfish? People say things and it really reveals their heart, though if you confronted them they'd never say it. Or you got kids that finally get married and now they've been married two or three years and they don't have any babies, and "we can't wait to have grandbabies." Leave them alone. Live your own life. Butt out.
Those Looking for Hookups
Number three: people who are designed to be married and they're looking for a partner for the night. In other words, they want to hook up, but they don't want to—they're designed to be married. The sex drive is huge. They're designed to be married, but they're not looking for a lifelong commitment. They're looking for a night. They're looking for a one-night stand or a relationship that has no commitment.
We see that all the time. I can't say I don't hear as much anymore, but I used to hear it all the time, especially about our noon study, that guys would say and girls would say, "This is a great place to come and hook up." So like for a long time—I don't know what it's like now—but for like a long time, it's got that whole Bible singles thing. That was a place to go and hook up.
You'd go, you'd walk in. I had to teach there one day and I walked in and I went, "Wow, if I was single, I don't know that I'd be here at 9 when it started, but I'd be here at 10:15 when it was over."
A Warning for Women
Well, part of what happens—and I'm going to give you a lady—I'm just telling you, guys generally are just bad. So I'm going to talk to the women because you can restrain this. When you come into a study or you come into church or something, you let your guard down. "Oh, we're at church."
Think about it: if you're out fishing, where do you go? You go where the fish are. If you're looking for a gal that you might want to spend your life with, where do you go? You don't go to the strip club. You go to the church. Church is filled with this. Be careful. That's all I'm saying. And we see it all the time where people will come and want—
Here are the two basic kinds of problems we have: people who should be married and they're single, and people who should be single and they're married. You've got people in the wrong place. I mentioned it last week—tie these together. We've got celibate marriage and celebration singles going on sexually. So the contemporary single says, "I can't be celibate or committed," and a contemporary God says, "You have to be celibate or committed."
Let me make these points. Paul's writing to this church at Corinth and he says in 1 Corinthians chapter 7 verse 1, "Now to the matters you wrote about." So this church at Corinth has written to him.
Background on the Church at Corinth
A quick background about the church at Corinth: if you look at a map of Greece in the back of your Bibles, you'll have maps and you'll go to Paul's missionary journey. If you look at Greece, it has kind of an hourglass shape to it. On this little connected area, that's where Corinth is. It's a town filled with sailors and shipping. It was a shortcut from Rome to the east. It was filled with commerce. Think what that breeds now—sailors, commerce, guys who have been out at sea a long time. Get your picture of Corinth.
In ancient Greek, if you went to a play and they were depicting a Corinthian, if it was a man he was a drunk; if it was a woman she was a prostitute. So it was this town filled with problems. Paul writes and he says, "I'm writing in response to what you wrote." We know they had problems because Paul's writing to tell them they had one situation where they had a guy who's sleeping with his mother, and Paul's giving him instruction on how to deal with that.
Consider the Superior Value of Singleness
Here you go, number one—I'm going to give you these really quickly. Consider the superior value of singleness. 1 Corinthians 7 verse 8 and 38: "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say it's good for them to stay unmarried as I am." Then verse 38: "He who marries a virgin does right, but he who does not marry does even better."
Paul's saying, "Listen, I want you to understand that these are not second class citizens." I have people all around that look and go, "Really? Is he saying better?" Well, that's what he says. Why would he say that? We're going to get to it in a moment.
We were on vacation and it was somewhere on the television—we had HBO and they had done a documentary on Gloria Steinem. It was really interesting, honestly. I mean, it was really—you got some real insights into her. But I remember when Gloria Steinem made the comment that a woman needs a husband like a fish needs a bicycle. That was her comment. Well, interestingly enough, at whatever it was age like 64, 66, apparently the guppy needed a swim because she got married.
Now I would make that point even stronger. Let's let this sit for a while—we'll come back to it. But single is not the minor leagues or second class citizens.
Confirm Unique Assignment
Number two: confirm unique assignment. Verses 2, 9, 37: "But since there's so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, each wife her own husband." Verse 9: "But if you cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it's better to marry than burn with passion."
This is what's gotten me in trouble in the past, so I'll go down this road again. Key reason to marry—maybe primary—and this is what he's saying. Think about this. I'll bet most of you never even thought about what Paul's saying. It's better to be single than marry, and if you're going to marry, it's because you're burning with passion.
Now, are there other reasons? Do you have companionship in this? Yes. I know how bad this'll sound, and I'm going to say it anyway. Essentially, everything in my relationship that I have with Susan, other than sex, I could get somewhere else. Boy, it got quiet. All of our roles—cook, clean, friend, within God's prayer—I can find all of these things, but there's a uniqueness here.
That's why this sexual thing is so important, because there's an intimacy there. There's to be not just a bonding of physicalness, but there's an emotional connection. This should not be some frivolous thing. You shouldn't be Wilt Chamberlain that can have sex with 10,000 women, because there's something other than exchanging body fluids that takes place in this moment. That's why even as you're aging, it's important to keep this moving along.
Contemplate the Simplicity Inherent in Singleness
Number three: contemplate the simplicity inherent in singleness. I go to a lot of weddings, right? Now, it's almost like prom. They're all challenging each other at how unique to be, and it's become extravagant. It just—that's my problem, not yours. So they also have to find something to say. So they'll go, "Oh, love is patient, love is kind."
Here's what I'm waiting. I would think about offering a contribution to the cost of the wedding if somebody would read 1 Corinthians 7:28: "But to those who marry, you will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this."
Now, it's interesting, and you can see it—I can confirm, those in the front can confirm it. The first time I'm teaching this, I got to this, I wrote next to it, "Amen." Sarah came in and said, "Dad, I need help." We went away. I came back, and you can see—you can see the handwriting, confirm it in the front—here's handwriting other than mine. It's Susan's. It said, "What did you mean by this?" Question mark, right?
So I went out and I said, "Here's what I mean. Here's why it's simpler." People aren't reading my stuff if I'm not married to them—stay out of my stuff. That didn't work. Here's how I'm saying it: What's easier to operate—sole proprietorship, 50-50 partnership? It's just so much easier.
I ended up this summer staying downtown, so I was downtown staying overnight. Susan wasn't with me, and I could go—like it was time to eat, and I was like, "I can go wherever I want. I can order whatever I want. She's not going to say, 'Gee, you shouldn't eat that.'" So I go to the teepee, I eat like five things of chips, and 14—
Whatever else I eat at. But you get two people together, you're four guys. Let's say four guys, four friends, you just play golf. Let's go eat, where should we go? I always go, it doesn't matter to me. But everything gets harder if you put another person with it. You got one person, it's easier. Put another person with it, it gets more complicated. There's a simplicity to this.
Cultivate the Focus That's Possible in Singleness
Here you go, number four. Cultivate the focus that's possible in singleness. This is where it always gets dicey. First Corinthians 7:32: "I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs, how he can please the Lord. A married man is concerned about the affairs of this world, and how he can please his wife, and his interests are divided."
All He's saying is, here's the beauty of singleness. You don't have to necessarily worry about just the needs of another person, nor be driven by meeting those needs. So you might say, I have to have this job, because I have these kids. They have to go to college. We have to find all this money. We got all these things we have to do. You're single, you have to think about, in a healthy way, all you have to think about's yourself.
Susan and I were in a condo this summer for like a week. And I said to myself, I could live here if it was just me. I know it sounds harsh. I shouldn't even say these things out loud. But I could. Susan couldn't. It was one bedroom, one bedroom's fine. There's a freedom there. It's not a freedom, by the way, to waste your life. It's a freedom to invest your life.
The Dangerous Effect of Earthly Things
Let me read to you, I love this quote. It's written by Jim Elliot. At the time, he was 19 years old. If you don't know that name, Jim Elliot, Google it. You need to search it out. If you're somebody who wants to have this dialogue or conversation with a young man, and you're looking for maybe a book you can read, and you read chapters at a time, you get this book called Shadow of the Almighty. It's his diary that his wife, Elizabeth Elliot, has written and added some stuff to.
At age 19, Jim Elliot writes this: "I've been musing lately on the extremely dangerous, cumulative effect of earthly things. One might have good reason, for example, to want a wife. And he may have one, legitimately. But with a wife comes Peter the Pumpkin Eater's proverbial dilemma. He must find a place to keep her. And most wives won't stay on the terms that Peter proposed. So a wife demands a house. A house, in turn, requires curtains, rugs, washing machine, et cetera. A house with these things must soon become a home, and children the intended outcome."
I'm going to tell you that you need to write this sentence down. This next sentence is a great sentence. It's one of my go-tos all the time. "The needs multiply as they're met."
How Needs Create More Needs
So the mind says, I've got a need for a place to live. I need a place to live. That meets that need, but it creates new needs. That's all he's saying. And how I meet the need determines things. So I need a place to live. Well, that can be a studio. That can be a big house. I'm not making a judgment on any of them. It's just obvious. If I'm in a studio, I don't need as much furniture. I don't need as much electrical bills. It doesn't need the care. I mean, how many people have said, I want maintenance-free living? So I have a house, but it creates a need. That's all he's saying. Needs multiply as they're met.
"A car demands a garage. A garage, land. Land, garden. Gardens, tools, and tools need to be sharpened. Whoa, whoa, whoa to the man who would live a disentangled life in my century. It's impossible in the United States if one insists on a wife. I have learned from this that the wisest life is the simplest life, one in the fulfillment of only the basic requirements of life."
Listen to profound wisdom here. "Shelter, food, covering, and a bed, and even these can become productive of other needs if one doesn't take heed."
Putting a Lid on the American Dream
And that's where you are. When I do my talk, I'm on my way to San Francisco next weekend to 30 guys who I'm going to ruin their life, and I'm going to just tell them, can you put a lid on your dreams here? The American dream is crushing us, not helping us. Here you go. I hear an ad yesterday for loans. Government guaranteed 125% of the assessed value of your home. Have we learned nothing in this whole thing? Are you out of your minds?
Celebrate the Freedom Available in Singleness
Let me give you the fifth one, then you can get out of here. Celebrate the freedom that's available in singleness is verses 39 and 40. "A woman is bound to her husband as long as she lives, but if the husband dies, she's free to marry anyone, but he must belong to the Lord." So now in that whole introduction examination process, it needs to be a Christian. He says, "In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is," meaning single.
So for a lot of you, that kind of rocks your world, but here's all He's saying: if you can handle singleness in God's economy, you're better off there because you're free not to get your handicap down to single digits, but to enslave yourself to Christ.
The Reality of Marriage Commitments
What he's saying in the most common sense, you can't even argue, I don't think you can argue with this. It's common sense. Once I enter into this relationship, because I'm now committed. I talked to you before. My commitment to Susan supersedes every other earthly commitment I have. I love Susan more than I love the kids. I used to tell them that. I love your mom more than I love you. I love you, but I love your mom way more. I didn't say it to my parents, but I demonstrated it. I'm very grateful for you, but I love Susan more than you.
I'm now in that. I'm at, for better or worse, richer, poorer. And I'm not saying this so you will pity me. I spent three hours yesterday afternoon just sitting in at the doctor's office, just waiting, watching, looking at stuff drip. I wouldn't be doing that if I wasn't married to Susan. And I'll tell you something, my doubt...
I'd stay married to her if I wasn't committed to Christ. And that's just the truth. You may have a lesser view of me, but I'm just telling you that's the truth, because this sucks. But see, it changes everything, because it's not about me being happy. It's about me finding joy, and the joy is going to be found in a healthy relationship with Christ, which means these other relationships reflect the health of that. That's what He's saying.
Father, help us see these truths, drive them deep into our heart. We ask it in Christ's name, amen.