Sex and Marriage
Tom Shrader examines God's design for marriage from Genesis 2, explaining why marriage was created as a complement to singleness and addressing who should consider marriage. He discusses the distinctives of marriage as God's sacred design involving commitment, vulnerability, and sexual intimacy within proper boundaries. Shrader provides practical guidance for singles about dating discretion and sexual purity while affirming that both singleness and marriage are equally valid paths when aligned with God's will.
“Marriage is one of those things that helps us understand that it was a part of God's design.”
— Tom Shrader
Series: Sexuality by Design (2007)
Recorded: March 22, 2007
Duration: 40 min
Themes: marriage, sexuality, purity, singleness, dating, commitment, obedience, boundaries, single adult, dating couple, engaged couple, newlywed, struggling with purity, seeking god's will, making life decisions, young adult
Scripture: Genesis 2:18-25, 1 Corinthians 7, Matthew 19
Theological Themes: biblical sexuality, god's design, marriage covenant, sexual ethics, moral will, divine parameters, creation order, sacred intimacy
Full Transcript
This is today the seventh in eight sessions working our way through a series titled "Sexuality by Design," reminding you for the seventh time that sex is part of God's plan and God's design. God has designed us with a sexual component to our life, but what He's also done is given us parameters on when and how to be involved sexually. Those parameters are within the confines of marriage, and that's what we've really talked about for the last six sessions.
Let me make this observation. There are a couple of moments today where I want to take a little side journey and come back. The principle of God providing us with something and then giving us parameters applies to every area of your life. In your life, as you look at finance or family or friends or whatever those things are, God gives you some parameters. To the extent that you follow His parameters, I think you'll find yourself generally speaking blessed and also running as effectively as you can in those areas.
That does not mean that your life is smooth from problems. We had a guy in the study yesterday whose mother is literally dying. She may have died last night. She has cancer and she's gotten very weak and she's dying. That doesn't mean as I follow God's plan it doesn't mean that I'm not going to have to deal with those issues. Those are life issues. But in these individual areas of behavior in our lives, we need to understand God's parameters.
Understanding God's Will
Here's what you get from the Christian community all the time: "I want to know God's will for my life." By that you generally mean some sort of specific direction on where to work or where to live or any of those things. The scripture doesn't really provide that. What the Bible provides you is God's moral will for your life: don't do this, do this, don't do this, do this, do this. God will give you that direction for His will for your life, and that's how you live—to live within those parameters that God gives you as His will for your life.
You want to be in the will of God? Then you do what God says to do. That's what we mean when we talk about God's will generally speaking. Those decisions that you have to face go much smoother because you now have this. What we tell you all the time when you're making decisions: ultimately you should do whatever you want to do if you're in God's moral will.
I had a guy—and this guy's shacking up with some chick—he's coming to me to try to figure out some decision he needs to make about career or finance or whatever his thing is, and he wants to know God's will. It took him forever and a day to say it, and finally he got to the point. I said, "Why would God show you some direction over in this area when you're thumbing your nose over here where He's spoken very clearly? If you're out of that will, why would you think your decision-making process would be good? You haven't obeyed and followed God's moral will. Why would you be able to start making sound decisions?" You won't, is the answer to that, by the way.
Four Questions About Sex and Marriage
Here's what we're going to do. We're going to look at four questions very quickly. Number one: why was marriage created? Today's topic is "Sex and Marriage." Two weeks from now, again the week after Thanksgiving when we get together, we change one word—it will be "Sex in Marriage."
Maybe you're here and you're married. You go, "I don't need all this stuff. I already got these things figured out." Or conversely, "I'm single. I don't need to be talking about sex in marriage." I think you do because my observation has been you tend to talk to each other. We're going to talk today about really who should get married—ultimately that's the question. Those of you that are married are frequently going to be used as counseling resources for other people. They're going to come to you. They don't want to talk about these issues, and you're going to be able to give them some wisdom. But you're going to be able to give them some why and some how to all these. So it's important for you to know and to think through these issues.
So four questions today: Number one, why was marriage created? Number two, how is marriage distinctive? Number three, why is marriage vulnerable? By that we mean why is it held in relatively speaking low esteem in many circles. And then lastly, who should be married? And then some specific instruction on the way out the door today. We'll move very quickly through the first three questions and spend the lion's share of our time on the last one.
Why Was Marriage Created?
God created man, and when God created man He gave man some activities to be involved in and some gifts and some talents. "The Lord God took man and put him in the garden to work it and to take care of it."
Now to those of you that are these highfalutin theological Christian types, I want you to see that we are in Genesis 2 and man is already called to work. For many people we think work is the result of the fall, of the sin of Adam and Eve. No. It was through Adam and Eve's sin—Adam's sin—it was through Adam's sin that work became toil and drudgery and difficulty and agonizing. But man was designed to work. You were designed to work.
There is a myth, if you will, of retirement when we say retirement and equate that to inactivity. God designed you to be working continually. You may retire from some profession for which you've been compensated financially, but He never designed you to stop and He never designed you to stop and to play full time. You are to be working.
He took the man and He commanded the man, "You're free to eat from any tree in the garden, but you must not eat from the tree of good and knowledge and evil, because the day you eat from it you'll surely die." A couple of points: man is placed in Eden. It's a perfect work environment. It's an absolute ideal place to work. Number one, it's a perfect job. At this point he's just doing his thing. I would suggest it's perfect because there's no receivables—there's none of those issues.
God's First Assessment: It Is Not Good
There's something that's far more at play, and those of you that are seasoned veterans from Priority Living studies have already spotted it. What makes this perfect is at this point, no law has yet to be violated. No attorneys are needed. And that makes it a little cheap shot at all those lawyers—don't shake your head at me, you lawyers.
But he's in Eden. He's in perfection. He is active, and yet there is a situation where you could be active and may not be fulfilled. That may be your life—very busy, yet there's some emptiness there. He has a certain level of creativity. God is presenting these animals and these beasts, and man is being allowed the opportunity to name all of them, but he still is not fulfilled. There's something lacking.
So the Lord God said in Genesis 2:18, "It's not good for man to be alone." It's the first malediction in the scripture. Up to this point has been benediction—it's good, it's good, it's good. He sees man; it's very good. He sees man is alone and He says malediction—it's not good. So I'll make a suitable helper for you. But for Adam there's no suitable helper was found.
So the Lord God caused man to fall into a deep sleep. While he's sleeping, He took out one of man's ribs, closed it up, and we're going to see that woman flows from that.
Taking Creation Literally
There are a couple of things here—two things that we want to hit head-on. Number one, I believe that this is not just a myth that was created for some ancient mind to comprehend these terribly difficult issues of creation. I believe this is your origin. I personally believe—this is just my belief now—that you take this story of creation literally.
I'll even go out, and I don't want to argue with you about this, but you have a debate about old earth, new earth raging right now. So many people would subscribe that even though man may be 10,000 years old, the earth is millions and millions of years old. I would subscribe to the new earth theory. I don't believe that—I believe the earth was created plus or minus 10,000 years ago. And I know that makes me a moron, but here's the problem.
If you believe this story, and I do, and you subscribe to an old earth theory, then you've got death preceding the fall. So I may look like an idiot in the laboratory, but you look like a moron theologically. So let's compare notes and see how we shake out here.
I just think somehow in creation implies some sort of aging process. God is the God of all—He can make anything look however old. When Adam was created, if I had walked you in and said, "Here's Adam, he's created," and I said, "How old does Adam look to you?" Now he may have only been seconds old, but he's going to look to you 28, 29, 30. Creation has within it an aging implication.
The Theological Problem of Death Before the Fall
I think there's a variety of reasons, but I think ultimately you land theologically that without—if I go back and I've got dinosaurs and death and all this stuff two million years ago, I've got death preceding the fall. I think you have a theological problem there.
So can I explain it all? I just gave you everything I know, so you don't need to talk to me about it. I can't explain it all other than God's kind of God, and He's always done it different than I would anyway, so I would assume He would here as well.
Understanding "Suitable Helper"
Man needs this area of relation. This is a grander problem for some of you, but not all of you. I don't know if you noticed this. Some of you—and it tends to be more gender specific—have a problem with at least a singular phrase in here. And not the guys. The guys seem very content with the way this is worded, but the ladies seem to be uncomfortable with the idea of a suitable helper. It's almost like an adjunct. It's almost like a second class citizen.
And that's not at all the case. In fact, in the Old Testament, the word that's translated there, "helper," is used most often to describe God Himself. It's the one who completes. It's the one that's unique. It's the one that we should desire to be in relationship with.
Historically, how we've looked at this is not that man is superior to women or women inferior to man, but as they come together, they tend to round each other out.
Men and Women Are Different
As much as we hate to admit it, and as much as it's so antiquated to admit it, men and women are different. There was a study done—it was on the evening news not long ago. One of the universities, I can't remember where, Stanford, Harvard, one of them, did an extensive study, and they discovered men and women are different. And you didn't even need a study. I found it out a long time ago. You know it too.
We can play those games, but we are different. Essentially, there are general ways that women respond, and they respond differently than men. I was raised with three brothers and obviously my mother in the middle of it, who just had to keep it all together, my dad. We didn't have a bunch of girls around. And so all of a sudden, now I got this wife, and then I have girls, and I'm saying, "Wow, they're different."
A Father's Day Example
There's no better little example, but it's perfect. It's Father's Day. The girls would come and they'd make these cards. Haley would always make one with flowers and birds, and then Sarah would always make hers with oceans because she'd see Sea Ranch, and then Susan had enough money she could buy one. So she could pay somebody else to tell me I was important.
Every Father's Day morning, Sunday morning, I'm getting ready for Sunday night church. In the parade comes on Father's Day, and I say, "Oh, Haley, this is beautiful, flowers, that's so sweet," and put it up there. And then Sarah, "Oh, ocean, we'll be at Sea Ranch before long, like six more months, that'll be great." And then they say, "Okay, Dad, we're going to go make breakfast."
So as he looked at me, and he said, man needs to be completed, a woman needs to be completed, and together, you have this package.
Marriage as God's Design
What are the distinctives about this? Well, number one, it recognizes God's intent from the beginning. Marriage is one of those things that helps us understand that it was a part of God's design. When I do a wedding, the very first point that I make is, we celebrate not some human activity in marriage, but part of God's design.
God took a man, woman, and He brought a woman to him, and there elicits from man this commitment—that's a marriage, what we see in this process now. Man said, "This is now bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh, she'll be called woman, for she was taken out of man." It demonstrates to man this idea of commitment, and there is in this process of marriage a vow.
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother, cleave—that is, be united—to his wife." There is a vow that takes place. We have that. You say that. These are sacred vows.
The Sacred Nature of Marriage
When I do a wedding, I do it very differently because I don't like all that stuff that goes on with it, and I like to say, this is a sacred ceremony. We're not in here just to try to—this is not just an excuse to get together and have a party. This is a sacred ceremony. It's part of worship.
I presume, why do you want to do it in a church? People who don't ever, ever, ever come around church—church doesn't mean anything—but somehow, at time to get married, they want to get married in a church, because somehow they understand that it's something. We won't marry them, which frustrates them, because why would we have anything to do with them when they don't have anything to do with us? They're not believers. Why not go get married at some bar somewhere? It's going to be more meaningful to you, so go do it that way. Why do you want to come here? Well, it's a sacred event.
Marriage Creates New Primary Relationships
There's vows. There's a commitment. There's a sense of loyalty. There is this sense in which I sever this relationship. I talked to Sarah about it. Sarah is more of an age where she's thinking about it a little bit than Haley. I'll say, "You know, honey, when you get married, if you do, important to understand, your relationship with us, in terms of that phase of our relationship, is over. I'm still your dad, but mom and I become really secondary, maybe even tertiary, to your whole discussion. Now that husband's your primary relationship, and your object here is to bind, unite with him, to cleave with him, to submit to him."
"If he wants you to do something, contrary to what I would want you to do, you need to do what he wants you to do. If he doesn't want to go to church, for example, at our church, you want to go to another church, you need to go happily submissive where he wants to go, because these are new relationships." You've got guys still running home, letting their moms mother them, and all this other stuff, and it's goofy, and it screws up the primary relationship.
The primary relationship now in marriage is husband and wife, even beyond the kids. Our kids have known this since they were little. "Glad you're here. Eat, drink, be merry, but you need to understand, your mom's way more important to me than you are. This isn't even a contest. Don't for a second think you're more important to me than your mom. You're not. You're going to be gone. Adios amigo. We miss you. This relationship here is my primary relationship on the planet, right there. Boom."
Priority of the Marriage Relationship
Who do I care about more than anybody else on the earth? Right here. "Girls, you're second, but not even really a close second. You're down the pike, and everybody else is way after that. Got it?" "Okay, Dad." And then they understand it.
But this is my primary relationship. My mom's not. My dad's not. My girls aren't. Girls are just given to us. They're stewards. They're not even our kids. They're God's kids that He entrusted to us to try to not screw it up, and to move them on through life to be independent, so they can start the process.
This is all part of God's design. God is the one who designed this, and now when you come together, there's the sexual intimacy part of that, and their whiz within this.
Vulnerability and Intimacy in Marriage
I'm going to help you understand something here. Especially, I think, women, although I think they know it, there is in this, this purification process. There's vulnerability. "The man and his wife were naked, and they felt no shame." Now, this is in the garden.
When we see nakedness in the Old Testament, what it means is openness and honesty. There's a vulnerability here, and yet they weren't at all apprehensive about this whole process. See, in marriage, the sexual part of it, clearly a big part of it, but it's a picture of the closest union you can form on this earth.
Sex is not just an exchange of body fluids. It's not just some physical activity that takes place. There's an emotional vulnerability. That's why divorce is one of the reasons it's so painful. There's somebody walking around here who has not just seen you naked, which is whatever it is in and of itself, but beyond that, they've seen you stripped naked emotionally. They've had access to your most private self, and that's why the tendency is to be so hurt by this process, because there's been rejection in the midst of it.
I can remember hearing, especially ladies say to me, after divorce, "I may marry again, but I'll never be that vulnerable again. I'll never be that honest again. I'll never love like that again." And I tell them, then you'll never experience all that a relationship could be, because you're going to hold back. And I'll tell you what'll happen is, you'll hold back, you'll not emotionally connect, and when the hard times come, you'll cut and run, and you'll replicate the behavior you already have.
That's why second marriages fail more than first, third more than second, fourth more than third, fifth more than fourth. Those are statistics you get from the Census Bureau. I don't make those up, and that's what's happening here. All that baggage comes forward, and now I'm not going to unite with you, not just physically, but emotionally, and consequently, you'll never experience love the way it was designed to be.
Marriage Under Attack
Why is marriage vulnerable? Marriage is held in lowest self-esteem because primarily, you have a situation—this is out of Matthew 19, this is where Jesus is talking about God granting divorce—when marriages are destroyed, it discounts the importance that God puts on the marriage, and it discounts the importance that we as a culture put on the marriage.
But the real message is, who should get married? Two sources that I go to for important data like this: Cosmopolitan magazine. I always go to Cosmo and Mademoiselle.
What Women Want in Marriage
So here's what Cosmo—and don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger—Cosmopolitan, ladies are first. Ladies, we're going to go with you first. Gentlemen, please do not participate in this exercise. Women, what are the top five, according to Cosmopolitan magazine, what are the top five things that a woman looks for in a man that she is going to marry?
Any guesses, ladies? Security is the first guess that we have. What else? Sense of humor. I always hear that, and it makes me think that my dating process should have been so much easier than it was. I think that's the token they throw in. I think they throw that in, but they'd much rather have a tall, humorless stud than a short, fat, funny guy.
By the way, humor is on the list at number five, but it's an absolute joke, it's a lie. It's just not true. No woman marries some guy because he's funny—it just doesn't happen. What else? Honesty. Honesty is not even in the top hundred.
Here they are. Number one is achievement. They want a guy who can get something done. Number two, a leader. Number three, occupational ability. That is, somebody with a future. Number four, economic ability, earning power. Starting to smell very much like a meal ticket. Number five, humor.
So according to women surveyed by Cosmopolitan, what they said they want is a driven, competent leader who can provide. Maybe overarching all of that, the idea of security. That would line up with how we talk about women looking at life differently than men. I just had this conversation yesterday, talking with a couple. He kept talking about "our house, our house, our house." She kept talking about "our home, our home, our home." To him, it's bricks and mortar and somebody comes along and offers us more money, it's gone. To her, "I don't care how much they gave me, I'd never leave this place." So that's just the way we view things.
What Men Want in Marriage
All right guys, you'll do a lot better than the gals did, I guarantee you. Guys, what might some guys—not necessarily us—what might some guys look for in a woman? What would you venture as a guess?
Good looks would be number one. Affection is number three. Anything else? Money. You must be very confused. You're looking for just the right man in your life. Oh, you have so many problems. Money didn't make the list. What else? Personality. I'm going to put that in there as number four.
I'll give them to you. Number one, physical attractiveness. Number two, erotic behavior. Number three, affection. So there must be a distinction between erotic behavior and affection. Number four, social ability. Oh, she can talk. Number five, domestic ability—that is, keep house.
And while we laugh at those on both ends, what you see there is these things that we call stereotypes are really real to us. Those are the things that we look at. When we talk about a guy, and that's the way a guy's wired, you just—gals, you just got to know that's what a guy's thinking about. Guys, you got to know when you deal with a woman, those are the areas that she's thinking about.
When Women Are Vulnerable to Marriage
I'm going to take just a second, gals in particular. Let me read this to you. This is from Mademoiselle. This is kind of interesting. This is six times when you, as a single gal, if you're here—so how many of you are single, by the way? Not a ton in this room. Some. If you're single, ladies, you are especially vulnerable on these six occasions to marriage or marriage proposals.
Number one, when a best friend or a sister marries. You're very vulnerable. I would add, especially if it's a younger sister. Number two, when an ex-spouse or a boyfriend marries. You're going to get back, you need to get moving on. Number three, when your career hits a standstill. You know, you want to be Mary Tyler Moore, Marlo Thomas, and all those things, but all of a sudden—
When to Consider Marriage
When that stands down, you start to look at other areas in life, and marriage becomes one of those areas. Again, not me, please don't shoot me, it's Mademoiselle. Number four, when your mom's on your case to get married. When your mom said, "When I was your age, I had four kids." And you go, "Well, whatever, but you were 12, mom, you had promiscuity problems." But now your mom's on your case.
Number five, when there's a serious illness or death of a loved one. You start, and see how that's all that life and reflection. And then number six, here you go, ladies. Ladies, tell me what that is. It's a biological clock. Just in that exercise yourself, you see the difference between men and women. Guys are going, "Somebody hitting a table," and women go "biological clock," because that's the difference, because they get it.
A Lesson About Communication
That's why, let me make a sub point here into relationships. Ladies, use that exercise right there ought to demonstrate to you why you should never be subtle with a guy. Men don't get subtle, and you'd go through this, and you go, "Oh, he just doesn't want to, he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand it." They don't.
Susan and I, early on in our relationship, I would just say, "Okay, if I say to you, 'How you doing,' and you say, 'Fine,' that's the answer we're going with. Don't say, 'Fine,' and I'm supposed to process this, because I'm not going to waste any time on it. If you aren't fine, you tell me you aren't fine. If you are fine, then you say fine, because I'm not going to get it. I won't know. Look, I'm struggling with English. I'm never going to master body language."
Tell me, and our marriage has been great in those areas, because she'll try every once in a while, she'll go into that. It doesn't work. Nobody cares. I don't even notice. I'll say, "How's everything?" "Fine." "Oh, great. I'm going to go hit balls." Boom, boom, boom. You see? Unless you go, "Oh, no, no, no, there's not fine. You know, you do this, and this, and this." "Oh, wow, you should have told me that. I'll fix that." See that, and that's a guy deal.
Who Should Get Married
Number one, people who don't have the gift of singleness. Paul is writing in 1 Corinthians 7, and He said, "I wish that all men were as I am, that each has been given his own gift from God. Each one has a gift. Now, to the unmarried and to the widows, I say, it's good for you to stay unmarried as I am."
Here's what Paul's saying. Paul is saying that I am better off single than married, because within singleness, there's a freedom that I don't have in marriage. Very important here. For Paul, as in everything in life, it's not an issue of extra spare time. For Paul, it's an issue of serving in the body of Christ.
As much as I love, and I obviously do, more than I ever dreamt possible, Sarah and Haley and Susan. I love them way more than I ever dreamt even possible. And as much as I'm able to do what I do, I still could do more in the body and serve more if I didn't have a wife and kids. I could.
The Reality of Family Commitments
Tuesday night at 4:30, I'm at an eighth grade basketball game, and I'm there because the girls are now coaching cheer, and I went to their games. I can't go to all of them now, but I wanted to let them know how much I supported what they were doing as they were starting to work with these eighth grade girls, and really developing them into young women. It was so cool for me, because I was in that same gym four or five years ago, watching my girls cheer when they were in seventh and eighth grade, and now they're running that show, and they are just so good. I mean, it's just so cool to watch that.
But again, that took me a while. I had to leave church and what I was doing to get there to do that, and it cost me two, two and a half hours. In theory, had I not been married and didn't have these kids, I'm free, and that's what He's saying. That's what He's saying. I'm better off, if I can, to stay single. Not so that life is willy-nilly, and can play more golf and polish more rocks and shop more, but so I can serve within the body of Christ.
Recognizing the Gift of Singleness
Now, who doesn't have the gift of singleness? Well, if you lack self-control. That is, if sex is a big deal to you. If you can't control yourself, then you should marry. That's better than to burn with passion.
If you're one of those people, I did, not this time, but the last time I taught this, the first session was on sex. Anyway, it was if you're single, don't have sex. And I'm all done. I'm in there alone, and four gals come back in. They were four young, extraordinarily attractive women, single. And here's what they said to me, all four of them. "You don't know how hard it is to abstain from sex when you're a young, single woman." I said, "I don't think I do. You're breaking down stereotypes."
Whether you're a gal, whether you're a guy, if this sexual purity is an issue for you, then you probably don't have the gift of singleness. Marriage becomes an important issue, but if you go, "Sex, you know what? I can take it. I can leave it. It's not an important issue." That's a good sign towards singleness.
When Relationships Head Toward Intimacy
You need to be married if you have a relationship that's headed towards sexual intimacy. Now, to the unmarried I wrote about you, this is, again, Paul writing to the Church of Corinth, and He's saying there needs to be sexual purity here. If you're in a relationship, you're dating, you're in some dating relationship, and that dating relationship is heading towards sexual intimacy, then you need to either put some very heavy parameters around you, or you need to stop the relationship, or you need to move it toward marriage.
Now, what's sexual intimacy? At the risk...
Boundaries in Relationships
At the risk of being repetitive, I still know there's some of you that weren't here when we talked about this. Here's the question: How far can I go? That's what I want to address, and that's exactly the way I would ask the question, because I want the boundaries. Give them to me. Tell me. Let's net this out.
Well, when we had our discussion, here's what we said. We got general consensus that penetration was intimate, but we said, let's try something different. Rather than start there and move back to find the line, let's go to the other end. Let's start with holding hands and see how far we can go this way, and we didn't get very far before we hit intimate.
Obviously, if you're sitting there naked touching each other's genitals, I'm sensing that's intimate. But here's what I want you to see though. I can have on a ski suit and a turtleneck and a hood and have my tongue down each other's throat. There's a level of intimacy here, so here's what we said. We said anything that's intimate is something that you would not want your mom to see you do or something you wouldn't do with your sister. For some of you, we had to redefine your relationship with some of your sisters, but nonetheless, we had to say that line is right there. It isn't a very long line.
How can that not be intimate? That's the beginning of intellectual and emotional and physical intimacy that was designed to take place within the confines of marriage. If you're headed toward this, something needs to happen. If you can't live without intimacy, that's the last point, and it ties the whole thing together.
Practical Application
Let me get to the practical as we head you out the door. Five things.
Evaluate the Validity of Being Single
Number one, evaluate the validity of being single. Singleness is one of those things that, especially among churches and Christians, is almost like there's this unspoken attitude that something's wrong with you if you're single. When I used to start speaking, I'd go to these speaking engagements, and there was always a little Christian old lady—and I don't mean chronologically, they just think like Christians—but little old lady, and she would hear I had these two girls, and she would say, "I have grandbabies, and we've been praying since they came out of the womb for a spouse for them. Do you pray for a spouse for your girls?"
And I say, "Well, no I don't." And they go, "Oh my, you're the speaker, you're supposed to be spiritual. Why wouldn't you do that? Will you start doing that? Would you promise me you'd do that?" And I'll say, "No I won't," because here's an overarching problem: What if God wants them single?
If I've been praying now for 23 years, "God get him a spouse," and now they're 23, I'm going to start to try to make that happen. I'm going to start to say, "God's failed, they failed, have you met so-and-so? Here, I want you to meet him, he's a nice boy," and we go through this whole process. Well, now I'm trying to manipulate that. Maybe God wants him single. And secondly, you may have me praying against the will of what God really has for that kid.
Our prayer has always been, "God, if you want him married, boy, we pray you'd give him a great spouse, but from what we can tell, they're even better off single. All likelihood, they won't be, but God, if you want him single, it's okay." You see that even at Archer. Archer's words show, and I'm sensitive to it, but you have so many couples and so many kids, you tend to talk in the context of marriage. And if you're single, you feel left out. So now it becomes just a giant problem.
So now you want to start a singles program or singles ministry. And what you really have in common is nothing more than a desire to be married. And you create this whole meat market effect and all these things. It's a very hard issue. The simplest way is to understand, even though it may be awkward, is that singles and marriages are equal. They're equal in this setting.
Exercise Discretion in Dating
Here's the second thing: Exercise discretion in dating. I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, and I know that. So I try to simplify things as much as I can. Most people end up marrying somebody they've been engaged to. And most people are engaged to people they've dated seriously. And most people who date someone seriously dated them casually. And most casual dating relationships began with a first date. Therefore, don't date anybody that isn't a Christian. Don't date anybody you wouldn't marry.
Because here's what's going to happen. I'm just telling you, this other person's going to be a nice person, and you're going to fall in love with them. And you're going to say, "Oh, they're so sweet. Oh, they're so nice. I know they're not a Christian, but I just think if I'm with them, and they get to see me, they're that close, and now we're together," and you know what's going to happen? They may well be as close as they're going to ever get. Because right now, they're giving you every little inch they can, because they're trying to get you married. Do you understand that?
Gals, you know this. The guy asks you out for a date, and you say, "Well, are you a Christian?" And he says, "Well, is that important to you?" And you say, "Yes." And he says, "I am very, very, very devout. Very devout. I'm devout." "Where do you go to church?" "Well, where do you go to church?" "Well, I'm a Lutheran." "Well, I've been raised as a Presbyterian, but I've always had a fondness for Lutherans..." I mean, it's a joke. Everybody's lying to each other. That's what dating is all about. And then, I don't understand anything until I'm married. You've got to nail this stuff down.
early on in a relationship. Two more, three more. Figure out where you are with this relationship and this issue of intimacy. Make sure you put yourself in situations that guard against immorality. If you're a person who's just very susceptible here, then you ought not be alone in a vulnerable setting.
Well, that means I'm weak if I do that. Yes, you are. It means you're weak, but it means you're smart. You're a smart, weak person, and that's a great place to be. There's nothing wrong with that.
And then, lastly, you engage in marriage before intimacy, not in intimacy before marriage. Don't reverse this order, and to the extent that you reverse this order, you will always pay some price for that. Always pay some price associated with that.
Moving from Singleness to Marriage
So, when we talk about sex and marriage, what we're talking about really at its core is, as we look at this issue of sex, we're really looking at it one last time to the perspective of a single person. How do I move from singleness to marriage, and what role does sex play in that, and should I be married? Hopefully, that helps us answer this question.
Now, the last session in this series, two weeks from today, after Thanksgiving, will be sex in marriage. We've got God's plan. We've got God's design. We know what God's intended. Now, we're in the marriage relationships. How does sex play itself out within that context of that relationship? We'll talk about that in two weeks when we get together.
Closing Prayer
Let's pray together. Father, thank You for this. Help us see the truth of this. This is a... it just seems so obvious to us, and we laugh about these things, because we know they're true, even in a society that wants to pretend sometimes that they aren't.
This is the way, God, You've made us. This is the way You've wired us. Help us understand that these are serious issues that have broad implications throughout the rest of our life. Father, teach us that truth. Help us see that and understand it. We pray this to You in Jesus' name. Amen.