Mistaking Lusts for Love

Tom Shrader examines Samson's relationships in Judges 14-16 as the third session in his 'Dumb Mistakes' series, focusing on the critical difference between lust and love. He shows how Samson's pattern of choosing partners based purely on physical attraction led to his downfall with Delilah. Tom contrasts worldly criteria for relationships (physical attraction, financial status) with God's standards, emphasizing that true love requires shared faith in Christ and commitment that can sustain a marriage through difficult times.

“What gets you into this relationship is not strong enough to sustain it.”

— Tom Shrader

Series: Dumb Mistakes: How to Avoid Them (2017)

Recorded: October 05, 2017

Duration: 39 min

Themes: love, lust, relationships, marriage, temptation, attraction, commitment, discernment, single adult, dating relationship, choosing spouse, struggling with attraction, young adult, relationship counselor, married couple, new believer

Scripture: Judges 14:1-4, Judges 16:1, Judges 16:4, Judges 16:15, Judges 16:20-21, 2 Corinthians 6:14, 1 Corinthians 6:19, 2 Corinthians 5, Hebrews 11:32, 1 Peter 3:3

Theological Themes: biblical marriage, sanctification, spiritual discernment, covenant relationship, worldliness, biblical standards, christian dating, godly character

Handout Link

Full Transcript

Session three, this is an eight-session series, Dumb Mistakes, and subtitle in the operative part, How to Avoid Them. Dumb Mistake number three, Mistaking Lusts for Love. If you're married or single, you're going to want to hear this.

We're going to talk, and we're going to take you right through this. You see that standard introduction? Background, mistake, result, principle, solution? We're going to spend a lot of time on background. These stories do take some time to develop. And then a lot of time with this kind of some advice.

We're going to end up by talking about lust and love and talking about how do you choose a partner. And you at this point may be saying, wait a minute, I've already chosen a partner. I'm just telling you, here's what I've learned. Those of you who are around, you have infinite opportunities to be counselors in an informal way. So you're going to need that stuff.

Samson's Story Begins

Open your Bibles to Judges chapter 14. If I said we're going to talk about lust and love, we kind of had two ways to go with this. One would have been David and Bathsheba. We went with Judges 14, where we'll introduce you to Samson and a series of young ladies.

We're going to talk about love. And whenever we do, that can always easily be convoluted. I find the whole male-female relationship to be very difficult. It's hard to process. I'd rather be celebrating 60 years than getting engaged. But that's the way life is. We can't even get our arms around it.

Love is in the air. I just wrote down some of these titles. Love is all you need. What the world needs now is love, sweet love. Hello, I love you. Won't you tell me your name? That was my favorite. I thought that wasn't right. I just got to do this that way. My wife just ran off with my best friend and I'll sure miss him. These were all my favorite love stories. I love a love song.

Well, love, lust, feeling, emotion, we deal with it all the time. You talk about it all the time. I guarantee you, pick a restaurant, go down to the agri down at Central and Camelback, look for two people. I was going to say two ladies, but not necessarily two ladies. Just look for two people, go at off hours, go at 10 or two, and look for two people sitting by themselves in an open restaurant. Use your head. Always go and sit right by them and absolutely just listen to everything they're saying. And you'll hear something about either my boss is stupid or a love story or both. I have a stupid love story boss. One of those two.

Samson's First Mistake

Well, here's Samson. Look at Judges 14 verse one. Samson went down, and here's a problem. Now here's the word. And saw a young Philistine woman. This word see becomes a problem for him.

When he returned, he said to his father and mother, because they're the ones who would arrange marriages. I have seen a Philistine woman in Temna. Now go and get her for me as a wife.

And his father and mother replied. This is probably the same thing some of you heard when you brought this guy home. Isn't there an acceptable woman here? You can do better than this, if I'm paraphrasing. Why do you go and get an uncircumcised Philistine, go there to get a wife? But Samson said to his father, get her for me.

Now, just to help you understand, these are arch enemies. Hatfields and McCoys, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, the Philistines, here's what you're going to see. In a little bit, Samson's going to end up marrying. Hey, the father-in-law hates him. The father-in-law brings in the best man to consummate the marriage. At the reception, which lasts seven days, Samson goes in and starts killing in-laws. So it's actually kind of a cool story, but he said, go get her for me.

Then he went down and he talked to her and he liked her. That's my favorite part of the story. And the reason I laugh, and I mean this, this is exactly what happened to Susan and me. I was living in apartment 202, 201 was vacant. I heard two young girls were moving in. I saw this one girl move in, and then I saw this other girl come up, and she's coming up the stairs carrying a bunch of stuff. So I could only see her from like the waist down, and she was absolutely perfect.

And then she came out and you could see the rest of us, oh, she's got great hair, she's beautiful, she's cute, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I just remember, well, this is perfect. Living next door, you can drink and walk. I mean, it just had all sorts of possibilities. It had all sorts of possibilities to me at the time. I remember finally, because I had to work through the roommate, because I got the roommate's the one I met first, blah, blah, blah. So now I'm to Susan, and I remember she started talking and laughing. I thought, oh my gosh, that's kind of like an add-on. I never expected that. I was so focused on this person, this human being, this physical aspect of this. So when I read this, I thought, I'm Samson. I've been there, done that. I get this story.

A Pattern Emerges

Well, now we fast forward to chapter 16. That gal and that marriage is gone. Samson went to Gaza. Look at this, chapter 16, verse 1. Samson went to Gaza where he, do you see it? Saw a prostitute. We're starting to see a theme here.

And he went to spend the night with her, and the people of Gaza were told, Samson's here. They surrounded the place. They lay in wait for him all night. They made no move during the night, saying at dawn we'll kill him. But Samson lay there only until midnight.

And then he gets up, and apparently whatever took place did not sap his strength, for he grabs two posts in the city gate. He tore them loose and the bar, put them on his shoulders, and carried them to the top of the hill that faces Hebron, uphill 38 miles.

Verse four, sometimes later. So here's the story. Sometimes later, he fell in love with. And again, there's that phrase. It's like, I got the measles. I got the chickenpox. I fell in love. Somehow it's like this thing that just happens to me. I fell in love with a woman from the Valley of Sorok, whose name is Delilah.

My, my, Delilah. The ruler of the Philistines, these arch enemies, wanted to get Samson. Samson had just wreaked havoc with them. They went to her and said, "See if you can lure him into showing the secret to his great strength, how we can overpower him, tie him up, subdue him. And each of us will give you 1,100 shekels of silver." So literally thousands and thousands of dollars, if she could somehow get them so they could control him.

Now, every once in a while through Scripture, and you tend to find it more in the Old Testament than the New, you find these moments that are like deja vu. I have been married half the time that Alan Betty had. We'll be married 30 years in June. It's been a long time since I went on a date with anybody other than Susan. But I remember that there was one line that when women spoke it, I was vulnerable. Delilah uses it. Look: "Tell me the secret to your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued." That used to melt my heart when I heard that. I don't know about the other guys, I don't know how you other guys resisted. But when I heard that one, I was a sucker.

Samson answered and said, "If anybody ties me with seven fresh thongs that have not been dried, I become as weak as any other man." Then the rulers of the Philistines brought these thongs and tied them up—they hadn't been dried. The men were hidden in the room and Delilah called out, "Samson, the Philistines are upon you!" That's like his little wake-up call. But he snapped these things as easily as pieces of string. So the secret of his strength had not been discovered. That's the background.

He Confused Lust and Love

Here's dumb mistake number three: He confused lust and love. Judges 16, verse 15: "Then she said to him, 'How can you say you love me when you won't confide in me? How can you say you really love me? You don't even talk to me. This is the third time you've made this fool of me. You haven't told me the secret of your strength.'" And with such nagging, she prodded him day after day. Some of your translations will say she pestered him until he was tired to death.

He told her everything. "No razor has ever been used on my head because I've been a Nazarite set apart from God since birth." So his parents took him and they made a vow to God. There were two things essentially: He'd consume no alcohol and his hair would not be cut. That would be a symbol. He's not saying grow your hair long and abstain from alcohol and you'll be strong—I'm testimony to that. What he's saying is, "Listen, this is a man who is committed to God. We're dedicating him to You, Father."

Look at this. When Delilah saw that he had told her everything—I find that, especially in the Old Testament, anywhere in Scripture, but in these Old Testament stories, I see things like that and I just put a little question mark. How did she see that He told her everything? This must be a gal who's pretty in tune with either reading faces, hearing things, knowing Him. He told her everything. She sent word to the Philistine rulers: "Come back one more time. He told me everything." They returned with their silver in their hands.

Having put Him to sleep on her lap, she called a man to shave the seven braids of his hair, and so began to subdue him, and his strength left him. The result, Judges 16, verse 20: "She then called, 'Samson, the Philistines are upon you!' And he awoke, and he thought, 'No problem, I'll just go out like I did before and shake myself free.' But he did not know that the Lord had left him."

Then the Philistines do Samson a great favor. They gouged out his eyes and took him down to Gaza, and binding him with bronze shackles, they set him to grinding in the prison. Let me just put that in some context for you. That would be, in that very chauvinistic, sexist culture, women's work—very degrading. Here's this giant, strong man who's now been humiliated.

When the Lord Had Left Him

I've got two or three big points I want to make. We've got 22 minutes, which is a good chunk of time. This would be something we could pass over really easily, and I don't want to do it. But look there in verse 21: "But he did not know that the Lord had left him." You and I, who are Christians—and we're going to unpack what that means—we'll never experience the Lord leaving us.

This is a card that we used at church. We've had them out two or three weeks, and they're invitations to our Good Friday services and then Sunday services. I just look down and see 5:45 and I just go, "Oh my golly." On the back, there's a picture of a cross and there are four sayings. We decided this year that for Good Friday, we're going to do something a little bit different. We're just going to do little teaching vignettes around these four sayings.

Let me read them to you: "Behold the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world." "Father, if it's possible, remove this cup from me." "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?" And "It is finished."

The Gospel at the Center

As we approach Easter, Good Friday, death, burial, resurrection of Christ, it's important for us—I think, though we need to do it all the time—to make certain in here. Though I'm sure many of you know this truth, I also know maybe not all of you. And even if this is familiar territory to you for the next five or six minutes, you should never grow weary of this. Because this is the Gospel.

"Behold the Lamb of God." From the beginning of this book—and I think I did it a couple of weeks ago—in the other Bible I use, pages 1-3 are the story of the creation of man and the fall of man. Pages 4-1268 are the story of God fixing it. At the centerpiece of all this story in the history of mankind is the event that took place 2,000 years ago on what we celebrate as Good Friday and Easter. For thousands of years, the Israelites

They had killed millions of lambs. It was said at the time of Passover in Jesus' life, at the end of His life, in that crucifixion time, that on that Passover they estimated they would have killed about 250,000 lambs in that single sacrifice. Thousands, millions of lambs killed. But always in the context that this is just a picture. This isn't really going to be able to save you. This is not the final sacrifice. And we're going to come back and do this again next year, and again, and again, and again, and again.

The Problem with Trying to Earn God's Favor

Almost always, like last night I'm watching Bill O'Reilly try to unpack Jeremiah Wright. And if you leave it political, you're fine. But if they get into theology, they're absolutely in trouble. And so O'Reilly's now got another guest talking about, have you followed this, the new seven deadly sins? Have you seen any of that? So a Catholic bishop has said, well, there's these new seven deadly sins. And I'm going to defend him in the sense of what he's saying is, here's the old one and here's kind of an updated version. It really doesn't matter.

But there they are. And O'Reilly's talking about, well, I'm really working hard. I'm really going to church and something about giving, and I'm really giving a lot of money, and I'm really hoping that's going to do it. And I'm telling you, he's lost as a goose. If he's trying to make God happy by what he's doing, he's lost as a goose.

And that's what I say to you a thousand times. You've got two types of people. You've got biblical Christians and you've got everybody else. And that's a beautiful picture of everybody else. I know I've got problems and I'm trying to fix them. Good Friday's all about the fact you can't fix them. But Jesus did.

The True Gospel: It Is Finished

When He said it is finished, what He's saying is that His death paid the price for your sin, come and believe. That's the gospel, man. That's the gospel.

And I remember one time I got convicted. When I started teaching, I'm a little more selective now, but when I started teaching, I would go wherever they invited me because I was under this silly impression that the way you would get better at teaching would be to teach. And I didn't sit back and say, well, gather thousands. I didn't have anything to say. And I just went around. I mean, I did spend three years. I carried Larry's, I did everything.

And I'm teaching in a nursing home. And the only thing worse than a nursing home teaching is a junior high group. And I'm teaching in a nursing home and I'm up there and I'm unpacking the gospel and I'm pulling my heart out and I'm going as hard as I can. And there's a lady in the back who clearly can't hear very well because she's talking a little bit louder. And so I'm presenting this gospel that you just heard. And here's what you hear in the back: "It can't be as easy as that." And I said, well, let's talk about that. And she got into forgiveness and all that.

The Scandal of Grace

You know, when you hear the gospel, if you're here, you're not a Christian, maybe you think you are, not really sure. When you hear the gospel, you should be going, "It can't be as easy as that." You should ask questions like, wait a minute, are you telling me that I could murder somebody next week and still go to heaven? Yeah, we don't recommend it. That's not the goal or the target. But see, as long as you're thinking about I could, I could, I could, you're missing the fact that He did. That's what Good Friday is.

The True Agony of the Cross

The agony of the cross, okay? We get hung up. I don't know if you saw the Passion of Christ. That's five years ago now. I don't like, I'm really kind of a weenie guy. I don't like the violent stuff. Now, I know some of you guys think less of me. I don't, whatever, you got issues. But I'd rather go, I am a chick flick guy. You got male, I could watch, you got male. I cry every time at the end of that movie, every time. And I'll watch it, I'll fast forward to get to the end. I was hoping it was you. It's me, it's me. Oh, I love, I love that movie.

And I'm not like, I don't know what that is. When I saw the Passion of Christ, I just said to Susan, I don't want to see that. And I took our staff and senior leadership team and we rented a theater so we could all see it at once. And I just said to Susan, I don't want to go, I don't want to go. We sat in the top row, way in the corner. And I just sat like this, hey, you're sick. But I had no problem with the violence, which is amazing to me. And I'm driving home going, why is that? And then it came to me, because the violence had context for me.

And I don't know if you saw that, but I'm gonna guess it was pretty close to a lot of what happened. Here's the deal, that's not the agony of the cross. Thousands and thousands and thousands of people died a more physically excruciating death than Christ. That's not the agony.

The agony is that moment when He says, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" Because in that time, is this mystery? You bet. Is it true? You bet. 2 Corinthians chapter five, God made Him, Jesus, who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf. It's not that Jesus sinned, but at that moment, God treated Him as though He were guilty of all the sin that all His people had created. You get a picture of how much God hates sin.

The agony of the cross is that moment when Jesus cries out, "My God, My God," the only time He refers to Him, by the way, as God, in His whole earthly life, every other time His Father. There's the separation. "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" And Christ, at that moment, redeems His people. When He said, "It is finished," He meant, done. No more sacrifice, don't need to kill another lamb, don't need daily sacrifice, it's done. The fancy word that they teach you if you went to school would be propitiation.

The wrath of God is satisfied. At that moment, I know that God lives in me. People would come in, all different types, and say, "I know God is in this room." Here's how I know He's in the room. I know He's in at least one person in here, and that would be me. That's not arrogant, that's just the reality—I'm a follower of Christ and the promise is He dwells in any believer. I know many of you are followers of Christ. God's not just in this room, He's in your life. Unlike Samson, where we say, "Well, God left him," and we can get into all the theology of that, you never have to fear that.

The reason I spent ten minutes on that is because of the questions I get. The number one question is, "Who's the Antichrist, and when does Jesus come?" Here's the tip: I don't know. That's what the book says. The second question I get is, "Can I lose my salvation?" The answer to that is not if you're truly here. If you're truly here, this is a wonderful thought. Think with me. If right now you died, you'd go to heaven. If that's true right now, then it's true forever. That's a wonderful truth. That's a wonderful reality.

Dumb Mistake Number Three: Confusing Lust and Love

We've got to get through the story. Dumb mistake number three is he confuses lust and love. The result is that he is separated and punished. I say punished, by that I mean there is a discipline at this point that takes place. It's probably important to make sure we make that distinction. If you're a follower of Christ, God will not punish you, but He will discipline you.

I'll tell you something really amazing. I remember, because I didn't know a whole bunch of scripture, but I'm reading through. You go through Hebrews chapter 11, the hall of fame of faith, and you see Noah and Abraham and David, all these people. You get to verse 32, and the author of Hebrews says, "I don't have time to write about all these other guys," and names Samson. I'm thinking, "You've got to be kidding me." It's a wonderful picture of God's forgiveness, but is there discipline attached to this? You bet.

If you're a follower of Christ, and you are today, sitting there in sin, do you understand that He will discipline you? Let me speak humanly, just like you discipline your own children. I just have a great life in terms of talking to people, but I was with a young guy the other day, and this happens a lot. "I want to meet you, I want to meet you one time, I want to talk for an hour."

The Discipline of Loving Parents

I will typically, when it starts, depending on who, I'll say, "Go." We'll sit down, I'll say, "Go. Don't need any foreplay here, just get to it. Tell me what you're after." If you get a really cool guy, he'll have a notebook, and he'll have all these written questions. So this guy's got all these questions. He said, "I'm going to have kids. Tell me about raising kids."

I said to him, "Have you ever seen Dog Whisperer? You know the show?" I'm telling you, if you want to know how to parent, watch Dog Whisperer three times. It's the best show on parenting you'll ever see, because it's the same principle. Set the boundaries. When they cross them, discipline them. Be consistent. Reinforce it. It was always a little odd, rubbing the seven-year-old's face in it. I never got that part. But you see the principle.

You have to discipline them. The biggest mistake I see in so many parents' lives is they think if they love their kid enough, they don't discipline them. Just the opposite. If you really love your kid, you'll discipline them. God's the same way with you.

If you would sit down today, and on the way to work, you pray, when you get out here and you're heading east, and you have a half hour down here at the light, and you pray, if you start "Father," then you're saying, "I'm His kid," and what you are implying is you treat me like a loving child from a loving father. That means discipline. That's the result of this.

Using God's Criteria for Choosing a Partner

Here's what I want you to look at. It's a principle. I'm going to take the principle and all this stuff, put them into one. In this whole idea of love and lust, the principle is using God's criteria for choosing a partner. Let me give you two passages here. 2 Corinthians 6:14 and 1 Corinthians 6:19.

"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between a temple of God and idols? We are the temples of the living God." "You are not your own. You were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body."

The World's Checklist vs. God's Standards

I wanted to use two checklists. This is the world's view. If you said to the world, "You need to choose a partner," here's the four or five things they're going to go through. Number one, do they turn me on? In other words, how do they look? Now, I'm not stupid. I would put that on the list too. Just the story I told you with Susan, there's that initial physical reaction.

I will tell you this, that to this day, if Susan and I were sitting in here now, and I was sitting here and she was sitting behind me, if she reached over and put her hand on my shoulder or put her hand on my leg, literally, my body just lights on fire, she just turns my crank. So I'm not minimizing "turns me on," but that can't be the driving force.

I will tell you this, and this is what I've learned. What gets you into this relationship is not strong enough to sustain it. What gets you into it, that physical attraction, and they just turn me on, and all those things, which are fine and dandy, that's not enough to keep you in it. But here's what the world says. You go down to Fashion Square and you say, "Hey, I'm thinking of hooking up. Who should I look for? What should I look for?"

someone that turns you on. Number two, this is pragmatic: do they have a better job than you? Are they even working?

I have in my life, this is really cool at work, we have at church staff and around an incredible group of gals, let's say 24 to 28 who are single. They are incredible. They're beautiful, they're smart, they love God. And they're single. I'm talking to one of them that makes me laugh almost all the time. She was in the coffee shop the other day having a coffee, and I went by because I was ordering and going to a meeting. I said, "How are you doing?" "Fine." I don't know how, but I said, "Any guys?" And she said, "I'm to the point that if I say, 'Do you have a job?' and he says yes, he's in." She said, "None of these guys work. I've given up that they'd have their own place. I know they're all living at home."

It's amazing. I'll tell you this, if you're single and you want to find a gal, they're lined up. They're 500 deep. I'll tell you what they want from you. They lie a little bit. What's the number one thing? "Sense of humor." That's a crock. I wouldn't have been sitting at home alone all those years. I can tell you that. That ain't true. I don't buy that. They're as physically attracted as you are.

But I will tell you this: if you've got a godly gal, guys, I'm going to tell you, here's what she wants you to do. Be a man and lead. She's not looking to be dominated. She's not looking for "meet Tarzan and Jane." But you know what? Lead.

The Reality of Modern Dating

There was a show that used to be on TV, one of my all-time favorite shows. I never watched the show. I just had it on in the background because every show had this moment in it, which was my favorite. Every show, individual show, had this moment in it, and it was a show called The Dating Game. In The Dating Game, there was this wonderful moment. You know the show. I don't need to explain it to you.

They would say, "Who do you want?" "I want bachelor number three." "All right." And then they would say this. This was my favorite: "Let's meet the bachelors you didn't choose. Bachelor number one is a brain surgeon, a bodybuilder. Loves friends and family, cuisine and opera. Said it's Thomas Jefferson that stimulates him. Meet bachelor number one." Bachelor number one would come, and you see her go. "Let's meet bachelor number two. Bachelor number two is a corporate attorney who loves to fly his own jet. He loves cooking, the arts, stimulated by Mozart and Churchill. Meet bachelor number two."

And then all of that is dressing. Here's the issue. "Let's meet the bachelor you did choose. Bachelor number three is a trainee at Circle K. He loves to skateboard. His favorite food is a double whopper with cheese. When asked who do you admire most, he said Gilligan. Meet bachelor number three." I love that moment. You're looking at it humanly, and you go, "I guess he's got a better job."

Let me give you a couple more quickly. And this is you, especially now if you're talking 25, 28 years old. You kind of go, "Hey, you got any debt? Does subprime mean anything to you? Is that a leased BMW or do you own it? Hey, you got any unpacked baggage with you? When I came to pick you up, did I hear a little voice go, 'Hi Uncle Bill.' Am I going to have to deal with that too?" See that? That's what the world's saying. And then the last one is, "Am I going to have to commit to that?"

I was in line at our coffee shop and one of the gals was in there behind me and I said, "Hey, let me get it. What do you want?" She said, "You don't have to buy it." And I said, "I understand that. That's what makes it okay. You want to?" She said, "You know what? When I go on a date, these guys will say, 'Hey, why don't you pick this one up and I'll get the next one.'" I have no concept of that. But all of them will say it's pretty much standard now that by the end of the first month, certainly by the end of the second month, we're sleeping together. So the world goes, "Hey, am I going to have to commit to this?" Because commitment is "let you pay for it and then I'll sleep with you."

What God Says About Choosing a Partner

What does God say? Number one, here's what God says. And if you're married, you're a grandpa, you're some person that says, "I'm never going to get married again, I don't need this," yeah, you do, because people are going to ask you this.

Number one: does this person share your faith? Are they committed to Christ? I said it before: what gets you into this won't keep you into it. Do you hear the vows? "Better, worse, richer, poorer." They're telling you this is going to be tough. Some of you don't even like yourselves and can hardly live alone, and now you're going to drop another person into it? And you think this is going to be easy?

What's going to make this thing work is not that you get along and you're compatible and blah blah blah blah blah. What's really going to make this thing work is that in those tough times, you're relying on something greater than you. And at the middle of this, the thing that makes it work, the things that hold it together, is your faith in Christ.

Here's the second thing. And I'll put number two and three together: Am I committed to somebody else? Are you committed to somebody else? Now again, I'm addressing you as adults, and older. By that, I mean we're not talking to teenagers here. But by the time you're 25, 35, 45, it could be committed not just emotionally, but this whole idea of divorce and remarriage and "Am I free to be out there?" And this is sticky stuff.

Here's the fourth thing: Can I see myself committed to you forever? That's a big deal. I have this thing, this question that I ask when I do the women's deal. I just ask a bunch of questions, and one of those questions, and I know it resonates, is to the gals. I'll say, "Would you want to come home to you?" One of the things I'll say to the guys: "Would you want to..."

You to come home to you? This is forever.

Now I'm going to give you some advice here. Here's what the Bible says. The Bible says wives submit to your husbands, husbands submit to your wives. Wives submit to your husbands. You better figure out, are you going to be able to submit to this guy? And I'm just telling you, if you're at In-N-Out Burger and he's holding up the line because he can't figure out whether they have the double or the single or what he wants on it, dump him. You don't want to live with this. If this guy can't figure out what to order for dinner, why do you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy?

Lead. The roles are so confused and I hope you understand that this is not sexist domineering. God designed you to lead. Men be men. And gals, you got to submit to them. And I'm just telling, and the only reason that you'd pick a guy like that is if you wanted to work him and dominate him and drive him, in which case you're out of your role and this thing is screwed. Guys, you got to love her. So you might want to pick somebody that's lovable.

A Story About Premarital Counseling

The only time this happened to me, I used to do premarital counseling. I have to guard this story. I used to do some premarital counseling and there was somebody from a Bible study that said, "My daughter's getting married, we don't have this or that, will you do this?" And I said, "Oh gosh. Okay."

So I meet the gal and the fiancé and we set this thing up and they're blowing meetings and she's canceling and she's moving it around. She's driving me absolutely crazy. Well then finally we're in this meeting and I said, "Is everything set for the wedding?" "Yeah." And I said, "Where is it?" And she said, "It's out of town." I said, "No, no, no. I'm not taking a whole day to go do this wedding. No."

She starts, "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh." I said, "Save the tears." They stop like that. And I said, "I got to tell you, I'm done. I am done. You are the most..." And honestly, I know you need to know, I'm a real wimp. I'm fairly authoritative, maybe here, but one-on-one, I'm a weenie. I fold. And I said, "You're the most selfish person I've ever seen in my life." And she said, "I have to go to the bathroom." And she got up and left.

So she got up and left. I said to the guy, I said to the guy, "Listen, while she's gone, run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. We came together. We'll get her a ride. Call her a cab. Run." And I said, "I know what you're thinking." Because she was beautiful. And I know what you're thinking. "I can put up with all this." But I said, "I'm telling you, the sex will not even be good. She's too selfish to be any good in bed. Run. Run while you can."

Well, I'll tell you what, that's the best advice you can give to somebody. Can you grow old with this person?

The Ultimate Question: Will This Relationship Please God?

And here's the last thing. Is this whole relationship going to please God? Is God going to be glorified?

The solution to all this, and I'll just give you the verses, 1 Peter 3:3, and it's really driven at the woman, but it applies to all of us, where God says through Peter, essentially, don't be worried about the outside. Are you right in the right condition, right mindset, right heart with God? Here's Samson's problem. He saw. He saw. He saw. I understand that. There's a lust part of that.

God says, "I've got a whole different set of criteria for what makes a relationship work." And it's about knowing me and caring for one another and loving one another. It's not to fall in love, out of love, in love, out of love. When at its core we understand love is a commandment.

Love Is More Than Feelings

Let me say it again, then you can go. I am not saying this is some sort of mental thing and there's no feelings attached. I have huge feelings for Susan. But I'm telling you, those feelings won't sustain it. You pick any endeavor you're involved in that you really got into - exercise, golf, work - that feeling that got you in it will not sustain it. There's a level of a commitment beyond that, especially in our culture.

It's easy to confuse love and lust. Again, to those of you who are married, I'm telling you, there are endless opportunities to counsel the people around you and help them in this area. God provides us some helpful instruction there.

Let's pray together. Father, thank You for this wonderful truth that You give us. God, I pray that You continue to work in our lives. God, male-female relationships can be very confusing. Help us go to Your word. What does Your word say?